ON THE CELEBRATION OF BEING ALONE

By Ed Ballou

Copyright Ed Ballou, 1998 edballou@icloud.com

CHARACTER:

NUMBER 46 - He may be wearing a white three-quarter mask, leaving his mouth and chin free.
The mask eyes are sunken and dark, with the forehead heavily ridged.

SET: A stage. DOWNSTAGE, a placard reading “A small, dingy room”. UPSTAGE, a door in its
frame. DOWNSTAGE CENTER, a closed window with shade drawn, in its frame, facing and
opening out onto the audience. An old and small icebox to the side. An old bed opposite the
window. A table with two chairs.

Accompaniment may be by cello or bass fiddle.

AT RISE: Empty set. A pause. NUMBER 46 home from work. NUMBER 46 ENTERS through
door - coming into room slowly, he grasps the lapels of his coat, pauses, stares, slowly takes off
his coat, throws it on table, slowly goes over to the window, pulls up shade, stares out blankly a
moment, turns, slowly goes back to table, pulls out a chair, slowly sits, stares at coat, pauses,
touches it, a pause, looks up, stares, looks at icebox, slowly gets up, slowly goes over to icebox,
starts to open icebox door, pauses, touches icebox.
1
NUMBER 46
I’m not supposed to have this.
(Pauses, opens icebox door)
This is just supposed to be a room.
(Staring into icebox)
No kitchen. No bathroom.
(Pauses, staring)
Just a room.
(Suddenly slams icebox door shut, pauses, hand on
icebox. Slowly.)
I’m not.. supposed.. to have this.
 2
NUMBER 46 (Con’t.)
(Slowly turns and goes back to table, sits down in
other chair, stares at coat, pauses, looks up, stares,
looks at window, slowly gets up and goes over to
window, stares out through it, raises it, the
SOUNDS of a city float into the room, he stares out,
slowly turns and looks around the room, turns
quickly around, stares out, pauses, shouts out
window)
Oh, I see you down there! I see you all right!
(Pauses)
Crummy bastards!
(Utters a sound of disgust, a wave of the hand, as he
turns and circles a few steps around the window,
comes back to it, stares out of it)
Oh, yeah!
(Pauses, stares out)
Look at you! Down on the street! Five stories down! Lined up in rows.. in your little tin cars..
waiting for a light on a pole to change color! Change color!
(Turns quickly from window, turns quickly back)
Biggest goddam change in your entire goddam day! And you down there! You on those
sidewalks! What the hell do you think you’re doing?
(Stares out)
Don’t think you’re not noticed! - oh, you’re noticed all right! - oh yeah, you’re noticed!
(Stares out)
That’s right, don’t bother to look up! Don’t bother! Because I can see what you’re doing - oh
yeah, I can see what you’re doing to each other!
(Stares out)
Do you know what you’re doing? Do you have any idea what you’re doing to each other?
(Stares)
Nothing, nothing, you crummy bastards - oh yeah, nothing!
(Stares out)
If I came down.. if I.. jumped - jumped! - down to you - right now! - five stories down!.. why..
you wouldn’t even know me - wouldn’t even know me!
(Stares out, starts to laugh quietly but hysterically -
suddenly catches himself, stares out)
I’m a stranger down there!
(Stares out, pauses, slowly reaches into his shirt
pocket, grabs a handful of some slips of paper,
pauses, stares at them, suddenly flings them out the
window, stares out, bellows)
In the pocket! Did you see the slip? Did you look at the number? Do you ever look at the
number?
 3
NUMBER 46 (Con’t.)
(Stares out, bellows)
46! 46! If it’s 46, that’s me! Me! I’m Number 46! I inspected your goddam new shirt for you!
Number 46! I saw your shirt was free from defects, free from fault! That’s what I did today -
that’s what I do all week! Number 46 does that for you!
(Stares out)
And so you! - you don’t even know me!
(Stares out, suddenly cocks head toward door,
freezes, a pause, turns head back to window, stares
out. Again, suddenly cocks head toward door,
freezes, a pause, slowly turns toward door, stares at
it, suddenly shouts out.)
Who’s knocking?
(Pauses, suddenly turns back to window, bellows
out of it)
Who is it, which one of you is it, which one of you bastards is there?
(Stares out, pauses, slowly turns towards door,
stares at it, slowly turns back to window, closes it,
turns and slowly walks over to door, staring at it,
pauses in front of it, slowly puts hand on doorknob -
suddenly pulls it open. Empty. He pauses, leans out
door slowly, looks one way, then the other, pauses,
slowly straightens, shuts door, turns, pauses, stares
at window, suddenly cocks head toward icebox,
freezes, slowly turns and goes over to icebox,
staring at it, pauses in front of it - suddenly pulls it
open, pauses, looks at entry door, chuckles, nods
head, slowly reaches into icebox, pulls out a can of
beer, closes icebox, slowly turns and goes over to
table, slowly sits down, pauses, stares,
unconsciously tears tab off beer can and puts it in
shirt pocket, stares, raises beer to lips, hesitates,
suddenly toasts loudly.)
On the celebration of being alone!
(Makes as if to drink, pauses)
No... I don’t feel alone.
(Pauses)
I don’t feel anything - just tired, hungry.. a little cold.
(Makes as if to drink, pauses)
But inside?
(Pauses, stares)
A great hollowness.
 4
NUMBER 46 (Con’t.)
(Finally drinks long, pauses, stares, looks over at
window, stares out)
Today was a dark day.
(Stares out)
Dark days, dark moods...
(Stares out, suddenly shouting)
I’m awash with moods - I make no effort to control them: can one control the tides?
(Pauses, suddenly gets up, leaving beer on table,
goes over to window, stares out, a pause)
Wriggling minnows in a bright pool..
(Stares out)
.. so carefree.. unknowing.. until.. stork-stab in your sides...
(Stares out, raises window, city SOUNDS float into
the room, he stares out - suddenly shouting)
The common man is down there!
(Stares out)
I despise the common, the ordinary in me! The everyday! I curse it!
(Stares out long - suddenly starts)
Am I lost in a daydream?
(Stares, suddenly laughs hysterically - just as
suddenly catches himself)
A daydream! God knows I have enough of those!
(Stares)
Daydreams! You live the ought-to-be! Right the wrong! Wrong the wicked! Kiss the pure!
(Stares)
Love the unlovable.
(Stares)
My night dreams. Beyond control. Dreams of.. isolation...
(Stares long - suddenly starts, slowly goes back to
table and sits down, stares at coat, pauses, slowly
picks up and hold a sleeve, pauses)
Love...
(Pauses, lets sleeve drop, stares at it)
.. made it all bearable.. somehow...
(Stares)
The girl that I love - loved - it’s not clear which, anymore - was much younger than I..
(Stares)
A dark, mysterious girl! - who smiled and danced and pouted and sang and!.. touched me...
(Stares)
And yes, she loved me!
(Stares)
She came out from shelter - my laughing young virgin..
(Gestures at self)
Two laughing virgins!
 5
NUMBER 46 (Con’t.)
(Pauses, stares at coat - suddenly grabs and holds
the sleeve)
So I thought.. so I believed!
(Pauses, staring at sleeve, at coat - suddenly sweeps
coat and beer to floor, stares at coat, pauses)
There’s a certain point at which your life just goes beserk...
(Stares)
And so I, the fool! - thought my world had rotted! - become diseased...
(Stares)
I with it.
(Stares)
There was no consolation, no solace...
(Stares)
No help!
(Stares)
And so I suffered - suffered long! - until!.. until I thought I’d found a cure...
(Stares - suddenly laughs hysterically - just a
suddenly catches himself)
A cure! And did I take it?
(Pauses, stares)
It takes you.
(Pauses, stares)
I had a dream last night...
(Pauses, stares)
I was fishing, just standing there fishing..
(Rises slowly)
.. when suddenly I..
(Turns and faces window, stares at it)
.. hooked something...
(Stares at window, slowly moves toward it - finally
almost reaching it during the telling of the dream)
I reeled, reeled, pulling it in, pulling it in, then pulling it out from the water: a fish! It kept
flapping, flapping, its huge eyes bulging horribly, and I!.. I just wanted it off! Off! But I was
afraid to touch - afraid to grab! - that dripping black body - and pull it from the hook! I was
afraid - I was so afraid - I’d rip its mouth! I grabbed a big bowie knife.. and tried to.. cut the line!
The blade seemed so sharp.. the line kept fraying, fraying.. but just wouldn’t part! I sawed away
with that big knife for what seemed like hours - days! - and that fish! - he kept flopping and
gasping and bulging as I cut and cut and sawed like a madman! But I couldn’t - I just couldn’t
sever the line! I went wild! I grabbed that black fish in my hands! He kept slipping! I pulled on
him.. with all my might! Straightaway! Pulled, pulled, and pulled! Suddenly he came off!
Cleanly! I didn’t rip his mouth! He came cleanly! And I held him! In my hands, I held him!
I held him!
(Looks down at hands)
 6
NUMBER 46 (Con’t.)
But he felt himself freed, suddenly leaped out of my hands and dove back.. into the dark, dark
waters!
(Freezes, staring at open window, a pause. Slowly.)
I flit with.. suicide.. I am drawn to its flame like a blind, crippled moth...
(Pauses, starts to circle window slowly)
I circle, circle - again, again, returning to the mystery of its light, appearing so sudden in the
darkness - so sudden, and at first so unexpected...
(Pauses, stares at window. Slowly.)
Questioned.. questioned.. questioned...
(Pauses)
Finally believed..!
(Pauses, circles window, staring at it, voice rising,
moving closer to window - an increasing tempo of
voice and movement)
A staring, circling, staring - I can feel the heat now! - singeing my drabness, antenna to ash! - my
circles grow tighter, hot flame licking brighter..!
(Suddenly turns as if blinded, hands to eyes, just in
front of window, his back to it - shouts out)
Tighter and tighter, awaiting the turn..!
(Freezes, his body in extreme tension, slowly
lowers his hands, stares, a pause - suddenly whirls
to window, grabs the windowsill with both hands
and lunges out the window - suddenly freezes, half
out, body in extreme tension, eyes staring out -
suddenly screams out)
The pain is so constant - so terribly constant!
(A pause - he suddenly breaks, staggers back from
the window, his face in his hands, sobbing
uncontrollably... catches himself, pulls out his shirt,
wipes his eyes on his shirt, slowly turns, stares at
coat, slowly goes over to it, stares down at it,
pauses, slowly reaches down, slowly picks up coat,
tenderly brushes it off, and holding it gently, slowly
goes over to the bed, slowly and heavily sits down
on edge of bed, gently lays coat across his lap,
staring at it, a pause. He slowly speaks, staring at
coat)
Why..
(Looks up and stares out window)
.. why is it all so very.. frightening?
(Stares out window. A pause.)

CURTAIN