CAPTAIN ZILMO’S REVENGE

by Ed Ballou

Copyright Ed Ballou, 2019 edballou@icloud.com

TIME: The present

SETS:

Scene 1 - Captain Zilmo’s funky California writing studio - a desk with an old typewriter, file
cabinets, the Chandos portrait of Shakespeare with a gold earring up on a wall

Scenes 2, 3, and 4 - a small Off-Broadway New York stage

Scene 5 - Captain Zilmo’s writing studio

CHARACTERS:

CAPTAIN ZILMO - the playwright - wears a trench coat with cape, Australian bush hat with
emu feather, a patch over one eye

ROGER ROGER - his New York publicist - chews on a big cigar which he never lights

SYLVAN - dressed in tights and ballet slippers

CAPTAiN ZILMO’S COMIC CHARACTERS, in order of appearance:

HC HONCHO - initially appears in an Oakland A’s summer uniform, later in a blue kimono,
finally in a gorilla costume

DELMORE - initially appears as a self-employed vacuum cleaner repairman, later as a giant

chicken

CHO WAT - leader of a North Korean delegation, later appears in 50’s hipster outfit

HOO WI - Cho Wat’s sister, later appears as a diva

HOO WI - North Korean minder, later appears as a 19th century Geisha girl

THE DIRECTOR - in charge of a 19th century Czarist government agency

CRAB - The Director’s security aide

SKIPPY - a research porpoise

FRANK - leader of an environmental group called POMP: Protect Our Many Porpoises

DOCTOR KRELLMAN - a scientist conducting studies on porpoises

MAN - has mutated from living too near a nuclear plant - small arm dangling from his forehead

WOMAN - has also mutated from living too near the nuclear power plant - bald head

TIME - a cartoon figure dressed as an old-fashioned alarm clock, with clock on body, head
capped with alarm bell, arms and legs sticking out - a low ticking emanates from his character

AT RISE: Captain Zilmo alone in his writing studio, typing with two fingers on his 1938 Simplex
manual typewriter.

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Reading aloud the line he has just written)

“We’re each just trying to make ourselves happy..”

(Looks up, addresses the Shakespeare portrait)

What do you think? - too trite? - too heavy? - obscure and incomprehensible?

(Stares at portrait)

You can give me your opinion, William - me and you is buds - homie playwrights - after you,
there comes only me! - why doesn’t the world see that? - why am I so unrecognized after four
decades of writing, while you achieved success in less than ten years? - what was your secret,
Shakespeare?

(Pauses, looks up at him)

Perhaps my plays are too colloquial, my language too common - whereas your language is..
obscure at times, but always poetic, and you can sure turn a quotable phrase! - was your
success a product of flowery language, borrowed plots, tremendous insights into human
character - or what? - maybe, maybe.. I should write a new type of play for me, try and break
out from obscurity - compose an Elizabethan play with my old comic characters, and take it
straight to Broadway! - or maybe Off-Broadway - or Off-Off-Broadway - or Off-Off-Wherever -
should I borrow a plot like you? Or just.. make it up as I go along? - yes, this new play could be
my big break, my Hamlet! - it will be the revenge of Captain Zilmo upon an uncaring theater
world - this play could be a huge success - and my portrait will hang next to yours!

(Pauses, looking up at Shakespeare)

Now, where can I find a gold earring? - and where are my characters when I need them?

A spotlight on the door, which opens and a

six-pack of beer slides across the floor -
HC Honcho’s voice offstage mimics a sports
announcer voice-over)

HC HONCHO (OFFSTAGE)

That ball is outta here! - no chance for Honcho to get it - but Honcho’s really turning it on! -
blazing speed! - on the warning track..

(ENTER HC HONCHO , baseball glove in air,

mimicking an outfielder and running into a pool of
light which follows him)

HC

.. he leaps up over the fence.. and snags the ball!

(HC snags an imaginary ball I his mitt, continues

his voice-over)

.. falling into the crowd - I don’t believe it! - now he’s signin’ the ball.. tosses it to a little waif
with a Ranger’s cap on - and climbs back down onto the field to a standing ovation - what a
guy - the man’s incredible! - Honcho saves another no-hitter!

(HC waves to an imaginary cheering crowd, as a

spot lights up Delmore DOWNSTAGE LEFT)

DELMORE

(Mimics the actions in his story to the audience)

Um, uh.. well.. well, I was on my way to the Seven-Eleven, um, uh.. and I started walking up
that steep hill, you know.. and then all of a sudden I look up.. and there, on top of the hill.. was
this quite, quite, large.. um, very large..

(HC is staring at him)

DELMORE (Con’t.)

.. red, red, um, uh.. rooster!.. blocking the sidewalk.. just staring down at me! - I kept walking
up, thinking, thinking, um, uh.. it’s just a bird!.. it’ll move, it has to.. after all, I’m um, uh.. human!
- and I’m walking up, and I look up again.. and the chicken’s staring down at me, with great big
chicken eyes! - and I’m still walking up, and the chickens looking um, uh.. bigger and bigger!..
and it’s still not moving!

HC

Delmore!

DELMORE

(Ignoring him, speaking to audience)

.. and now I’m thinking, um, uh.. “What if the chicken is not going to move? What if it has
rabies or something? What if I get up there.. and it.. um, uh.. attacks me? - goes for my throat!
And this giant red chicken is staring right into my eyes.. my eyes! And it’s still to moving!

HC

(Ripping open six-pack)

What are you doing?

(Grabbing a beer, popping it open)

Stop stealing my scene!

(Guzzles his beer, staring at Delmore)

DELMORE

And so I.. so I.. um, uh, I.. slowly turn around.. and slowly.. start back down the hill.. slowly,
slowly - then faster, faster.. I look back, and the big chicken eyes are just staring at me.. and
I start running faster and faster! - and I look back - the giant eyes still staring after me!.. and
then I.. then I, um, uh.. ran back here as fast as I could! - without the.. um, uh.. without the
beer, HC…

HC

You come later!

DELMORE

(Looking over at HC)

And your line is..

HC

My line?

(Pauses)

So.. we got.. no beer.. because you.. got punked.. by a chicken…

(Delmore says nothing, looks off)

A giant.. chicken!

(Delmore waves hand at chest level)

Frothing.. at the beak!

DELMORE

It was the eyes!

HC

Delmore, you’re goofy - we got beer! - out of my scene - this is my moment!

(A spot lights up Cho Wat, Hoo Wi, and Hoo Dat

DOWNSTAGE RIGHT)

CHO WAT

If buy restaurant, what call?

HOO WI

Something speak of North Korea peaceful culture - Victorious Father Liberation Restaurant, or
Restaurant of Reunification..

HOO DAT

No, too weak - cannot be weak with American - must be strong! - maybe.. The Bomb!

HOO WI

The Bomb?

HOO DAT

The place to be - where it happening!

CHO WAT

No, no.. bomb mean something else to American - bomb scare them - maybe bunkers not
deep enough - no, maybe, maybe.. call restaurant ‘House of Boom’!

HOO DAT

House of Boom?

CHO WAT

Get their attention!

HOO WI

Maybe think we have sense of humor..

CHO WAT

House of Boom!

HC

What are you characters talking about?

CHO WAT

Premise of our play, we buy Italian restaurant in California..

DELMORE

But who are you?

HOO WI

We North Korean..

HOO DAT

We in play, ‘House of Boom’..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I wrote it ten years after I wrote your play..

CHO WAT

What their play?

DELMORE

‘Another Depression’..

HOO WI

Another depression - ha-ha! - what kind name that?

HOO DAT

Depression - Western concept!

HOO WI

No depression in North Korea - not allow!

HC

At least our play got produced - in San Francisco!

CHO WAT

We get produce, too - just wait right time..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Okay, okay - stop bickering! - you characters don’t know each other because I wrote you at
different times - but you’re going to get to know each other - and you’ll have to get along! -
because I’m going to write a new play, an Elizabethan play - for the New York stage! - and it’s
gong to be a big hit! - this will be my revenge on the theater world for not recognizing me as a
significant playwright!

CHO WAT

What Elizabethan?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Like England in the old times - you know, Shakespeare and all that?

HOO WI

We read Shakespeare..

HOO DAT

But we no like - revisionist writer!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’re going to like him, because I’m going to write a play in his style - it’s my big chance to be
recognized! - and the next chance for you characters to be on stage!

HC

You want me to play a Shakespearean character? - but I always play an alcoholic ex-Marine -
that’s my MO - I’m max macho!

DELMORE

What about ‘Sketches of the Gene Pool’, where you find your inner self, go on the wagon, wear
a blue kimono, and sketch a Bonsai tree - later you appear in a gorilla costume!

HC

You had to go there.. what about you? - you were a self-employed vacuum cleaner repairman
in our first play..

(To Captain Zilmo)

HC (Con’t.)

So, man, what kind of character am I going to play in this new one?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Maybe a character who dresses up as a woman..

(HC just stares at him)

Just kidding, HC!

HOO DAT

Oh, I dress as woman, if he not want..

CHO WAT

Chairman not want hear!

HOO WI

Re-education camp!

DELMORE

Since we’re sharing, in ‘Sketches’ I come to realize my unnatural attraction to chickens, and
indulge my secret desire to dress as a giant chicken - it’s my moment!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

That was just a caricature!

(A spot lights up The Director and Crab UPSTAGE

RIGHT - The Director stands before a mirror
practicing commands to his clerks - he imagines
himself quite a man - Crab watches the display)

CRAB

Try it again, Director - with a little more force this time - take command!

THE DIRECTOR

(Adjusting his clothes, tweaking his mustache,

striking a pose before the mirror - addressing his
figure in the mirror, stamping his foot)

How dare you!

CRAB

Not quite..

THE DIRECTOR

(Trying a new stance, stamping his foot twice,

raising his voice)

Do you know to whom you are speaking?

CRAB

Better! - a little better, close..

THE DIRECTOR

(Striking a new pose, stamping his foot three times,

screaming)

Do you understand who I am?

(He scares himself, jumps, looks around)

CRAB

I think you’ve got it - presence!

THE DIRECTOR

(Snorts)

I’ve got breeding!

(Scowls at himself in the mirror, freezes it, decides

he likes it, and starts to smile grotesquely - still
pleased with himself, he draws a cigar from his
pocket, tosses one to Crab - The Director moves
away from the mirror, looking back once and
tweaking his mustache, smiles again, sticks out his
cigar, motions to Crab to light it - Crab approaches
in trepidation, snaps his fingers a couple of times
below the tip of The Director’s cigar - of course,
nothing happens)

THE DIRECTOR

(Jerking his cigar from his mouth)

Crab.. shouldn’t you be using a match?

CRAB

Of course, Director.. but I gathered up all the matches in the Department and destroyed them,
sir - for security!

THE DIRECTOR

Then.. how shall I be able to smoke.. my big cigar?

CRAB

As I do, Director!

(Shoves his own cigar in his mouth, “lights it” with

the snap of his fingers, “puffs” contentedly,
pretending to blow out a cloud of smoke, pulls the
cigar from his mouth)

.. they last longer this way!

THE DIRECTOR

Really?

(Puts his cigar back in his mouth, pretends to puff

on it, pretends to blow out a great cloud of smoke)

Gadzooks! - and what a thought I’ve just had - my cigars will last longer this way!

(They stare at each other, puffing contentedly on

their cigars, The Director drawing particularly deep
in satisfaction)

HC

Hey, you can’t smoke onstage - there’s fire laws and such!

DELMORE

And people in the audience can get sick!

THE DIRECTOR

Gadzooks, we know that - that’s why we have no flame!

CRAB

I just snap my fingers!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I wrote it that way to get around the fire code - and the smoke thing..

CHO WAT

What play you from?

THE DIRECTOR

Our clerk author adapted Gogol’s ‘The Overcoat’ into our musical comedy, ‘The Person of No
Consequence’..

CHO WAT

Oh, we know Gogol - Russian! - we like Russian - help us subvert embargo!

CRAB

It’s even a musical!

HC

Yeah? - I thought you were just a playwright, Zilmo - you think you can write songs?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Well, I tried - twelve of them for their play..

HOO WI

I even sing in our play - as diva!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Yeah, well, I didn’t write the songs in your play - I borrowed excerpts from classic hits - I hope
I don’t get in copyright trouble..

HOO DAT

You sing song from your play - and Hoo Wi sing song from our play!

CRAB

Go ahead and sing your song, Director - you Person of Consequence!

THE DIRECTOR

(Drawing himself up in an imagined new overcoat,

looking at himself in the mirror)

Um, yes.. of course, you’re right.. a Person..of Consequence! - gadzooks! - what a keen
observation I’ve just made!

(Strokes his imagined mink collar as he admires

himself, head high, chest out - he sings to the
audience through the mirror)

“Hello out there! - know who I am?

Why, I’m your friendly director,

An extremely important man!

Would you like to work for me?

If only I can find a desk for you

I’ve just got too many clerks

I think one-hundred-twenty-two!

THE DIRECTOR (Con’t.)

Yes, in my great big department,

I’m known as quite the shepherd,

Gazing over my copy clerks flock,

As they graze pen-deep on my plot,

Of copying heaven, copying heaven,

Yes, that’s what they’ve got -

Glorious copying heaven!

Now, how do you think I got up here?

By shirking my work? Indulging a quirk?

For expensive cigars and loose women?

For the toy cannons I so dearly love?

Pop! Pop! Pop! - yes, all of the above!

Why I’m an extremely important man,

Pop, pop, pop - pop me if you can!”

(Laughs goofily)

CHO WAT

That song?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It was easy to write - I’m not a songwriter, so I have no ego involved..

CHO WAT

Good thing - ego get crush! - now Hoo Wi sing!

HOO WI

(Launching into ‘Cabaret’ like a diva)

“What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play

Life is a cabaret, old chum

Come to the cabaret

Put down the knitting, the book and the broom

It’s time for a holiday

Life is a cabaret, old chum

So come to the cabaret!”

HC

That’s all?

HOO WI

That all author let me sing - he know I sing whole song, I become great diva and no longer act!

DELMORE

Who’s going to play the lead in this new play? - I always wanted to play lead - tired of being
cast as a repairman or a giant chicken..

HC

Don’t forget your role as a Judy Garland look-alike in ‘Sketches of the Gene Pool’..

DELMORE

Please.. I could play a great lead! - who else you got?

HC

He’s got me!

CHO WAT

I be cool lead - I also play hipster manager in my play!

THE DIRECTOR

What about me? - I have breeding!

CRAB

I’m security chief in my play - the lead will be secure!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Wait a minute, wait a minute - the character I’ve actually been thinking about for the lead is..

(Pauses)

DELMORE

Who?

(A spot lights up Skippy DOWNSTAGE LEFT)

SKIPPY

“Hey, humans - down here! - it’s me, Skippy the porpoise! - I want to live like a human! - I’m
going to walk on land, drive a car, get a job and buy a house - hey, humans! - I want mine! - I’m
real Third World - hey, you guys - it’s me, Skippy!

(Muttering to himself)

Got to get me some clothes.. tired of being wet and eating fish all the time - blecchhh!

(To other characters)

Hey, humans! - got a towel? - I wanna go down and get me a hamburger!”

(A spot lights up Frank, and Dr. Krellman holding

an exotic speaker)

FRANK

“Doc! - I think I’m overcoming my fear of porpoises! - it’s great you’ve been able to crack their
porpoise language - as founder of my organization, POMP - Protect Our Many Porpoises - I’ve
been wanting to communicate with them for years!

DR. KRELLMAN

And it took me years to develop this two-way language speaker - I’m no electronic wizard, but I
kept plugging away, using my linguistic theories as a guide - the speaker seemed complete
and I tried communicating with Skippy through fall, winter, into spring - but I just couldn’t get
the damn thing to work! - finally, a breakthrough! - a quantum leap for science! - I could finally
communicate with Skippy!

FRANK

What was wrong with it, Doc? - something to do with the circuitry?

DR. KRELLMAN

No - all that time I’d forgotten to plug it in - made a hell of a difference! - now the speaker
unscrambles Skippy’s porpoise gibberish into English, and vice-versa - it scrambles my voice
into porpoise talk, and transmits it to Skippy!

 10

FRANK

A good topic for my next POMP meeting, Doc - ‘Porpoises are our brothers’ - we’re very close
to merging our species - a gap that could be leaped by someone - right, Doc?

DR. KRELLMAN

I’m hopeful, Frank - and I’ve been thinking - I could use you in a new cloning experiment with
Skippy - be good if you volunteer - I’m all out of rats!”

CHO WAT

What that from?

FRANK

‘Operation Sea Dog’ - a Captain Zilmo play that’s never been produced..

CHO WAT

No wonder, broskies..

SKIPPY

Hey, if I’m going to be in this new play, I wanna play the lead - the romantic lead!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

We don’t just need a romantic lead - we need a romantic couple..

(A spot lights up Man and Woman STAGE LEFT)

MAN

“What is it? - what? - tell me!

WOMAN

No, no! - don’t make me tell you! - the mirror! - ask the mirror!

MAN

(Running his hands over his face)

Didn’t I shave?

WOMAN

Your.. arm! - your arm! - it’s your arm! - oh, forgive me!

MAN

(Gingerly feelings arms)

My arm! - my arm? - is one longer than the other? - is that it? - don’t tell me that! - I don’t want
to hear that! - that’s grotesque!

(Holding up his arms)

Which arm?

WOMAN

The one.. growing out of your forehead!

MAN

What?

(Startled, as if he is seeing for the first time the little

arm dangling in front of his eyes)

My God! - what’s that?

 11

MAN (Con’t.)

(Reaching, gingerly touching and feeling the arm)

A thing! - honey, I’ve got a thing growing out of my head! - oh, no! - I think I’m going to be sick!

WOMAN

It’s not a thing, dear - it’s an arm.. you’ve just got a little arm growing out of the middle of your
forehead..

(Comforting him)

.. it’s all right, it’s all right - I still love you..”

CAPTAIN ZILMO

See? - romantic!

HC

Man, not sure that’s going work..

CHO WAT

Hey, bros! - what play you from?

MAN

We’re from ‘Nuclear Fall-in’..

WOMAN

And we’ve been produced..

MAN

In Canada!

WOMAN

Vancouver!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Okay, this is the cast, you guys - you’re the chosen ones! - I’ve written more comic characters,
but can’t fit them all in this new play..

HC

What’s the title?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I’m leaning toward ‘Enchanted Isle’..

DELMORE

Pretty sure that’s been used before..

THE DIRECTOR

Tell us, clerk author, what is the plot of this new play?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I don’t know..

CRAB

What’s the premise of this attempt on the life of the theater?

 12

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Like George said in ‘Seinfeld’, when asked about the premise, “It’s about nothing - absolutely
nothing!”

CHO WAT

Hey man, play comedy nor tragedy?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I hope it’s a comedy that won’t be a tragedy..

HOO WI

Where stage?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I’m thinking New York - Off-Off-Somewhere..

HOO DAT

Can wear women’s clothes in it?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

If want..

HC

Will I be the lead man? - I’m definitely an over-the-top macho hunk!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’ll defiantly have a role befitting your talents - keep the beer can..

DELMORE

Do I have to wear a chicken outfit?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I liked you better as Judy Garland..

SKIPPY

If you pick me for the lead, who’s going to be my leading lady?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Oh, we’ll fish somebody up..

SKIPPY

I’m not a fish - I’m a mammal!

MAN

Do I have to kiss my wife in this play?

WOMAN

Can I get a divorce in this play?

 13

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Why not stay married for the sake of the play? - now look, you characters - I’m still reading
Shakespeare - specifically, ‘The Tempest’ - I’ll let you know when I get some ideas - then I’ll
write the play and produce it - with all you appearing in starring roles! - until, then, go back to
the ether of your own plays - I’ll call you when it’s time for the first rehearsal - then you’ll learn
what your new roles are - and don’t forget, without me, you don’t exist and no one will
remember you - you’ll be dust motes in the rays of theatrical history - until then - good night!

(The spotlights on the characters slowly dim as

they disappear into the shadows - he looks up at
Shakespeare’s portrait)

You like my dust mote analogy, William? - okay, maybe not so good - so, let me ask you: “To
be, or not to be..” - is that the question with this play?

(LIGHTS DIM - LIGHTS RISE on a small New York

Off-Broadway stage - Captain Zilmo pacing back
and forth)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Where are those guys? - I told them to come out of their plays for rehearsal - and where’s my
director?

(ENTER HC HONCHO carrying an opened

six-pack, beer in hand)

HC

Okay, I’m here to play the lead - where’s my leading lady? - and don’t hook me up with that
North Korean who wants to wear women’s clothes - I don’t roll that way..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

First, you’re not the lead - second, lose the beer can - we’re at work!

HC

This beer is part of my character, man - so what’s my role? - I know it’s a meaty one..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’re going to play Stephano, a drunken butler..

HC

Well, I got drunken down - is this a big role, maybe a Tony?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Tonys are Broadway - Stephano’s role in this play is to bring down the lead..

HC

Which I will gladly do, since I am not the lead - who is this fool? - must be a fantastic actor with
lots of creds, since I was not chosen, and I am called The Chosen One..

(ENTER DELMORE)

DELMORE

I’m here to pick up yet another demeaning role - what sorry character am I?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’re the lead! - you’ll play Prospero, the rightful Duke of Milan..

 14

HC

What? - is this a chicken joke? - Delmore the lead?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I thought he was the best qualified..

DELMORE

Well, um.. sorry, uh.. but I don’t think I have the talent to play the lead..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Delmore, I’m gonna be stuck if you can’t play the lead - everyone else is cast!

(HC looks over at Delmore)

HC

Delmore.. buddy.. you can do this - let me coach you - first, act outside of yourself - bigger,
more manly, more sure of yourself - if you’re the lead, you’re the leader! - second..

(Rips another beer out of the six-pack)

.. have a beer!

(Puts beer into Delmore’s unwilling hand, bends his

fingers around it)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

HC - this is a serious rehearsal!

HC

I’m coaching, yo!

(Guzzles his beer - Delmore watches him, starts

guzzling, also)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Great! - I’m going to have a drunken cast on the first day of rehearsal..

HC

You want some wine, man? - you look like a guy that drinks wine - you can get a little high and
we’ll all be on the same page..

(ENTER HOO DAT dressed as a geisha)

HOO WI

Yoo-hoo! - I here for role - guess who I want play?

HC

A faggot - but hopefully we got no faggots in this play..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

HC! - that’s politically incorrect, insensitive and rude!

HC

Sorry man, I am not down with fags..

DELMORE

(Unnaturally deep voice)

Me neither, man..

 15

CAPTAIN ZILMO

We’re going to treat each other with respect during this play! - but Hoo Wi, I do think I cast you
right - you’re going to play Prospero’s daughter, Miranda..

HOO DAT

Oh, daughter! - where father?

HC

Don’t look at me, man..

DELMORE

(Unnaturally deep voice)

I’m your father, Miranda - Prospero..

HC

Watch your back, bro..

(Hoo Dat goes and gives Delmore a hug)

Stay the course, Delmore..

(ENTER THE DIRECTOR and CRAB)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Oh, I’m glad you’re here - Director, you’re playing the role of Alonso, the King of Naples..

THE DIRECTOR

(Stamping his foot)

How dare you! - do you know to whom you are speaking? - do you realize who I am?

CRAB

You’re playing a king, Director..

THE DIRECTOR

A king and not a czar? - but still, a king - that’s not so bad - even better than playing a Director!

(Pulls out a cigar, clenches it in his teeth)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

And Crab, you’re playing Sebastian, the King’s brother..

CRAB

Oh, his brother? - then I’m equal to him, no longer a subordinate..

(Takes out a cigar, clenches it in his teeth)

THE DIRECTOR

But still not a king!

(Motions to Crab to light his cigar - Crab snaps his

fingers under the end of the cigar - The Director
draws deep in satisfaction, blows out a great cloud
of imaginary smoke - Crab snaps his fingers under
his own cigar, draws, blows out an imaginary cloud
of smoke - ENTER SKIPPY)

SKIPPY

You’re looking at one happy dude!

 16

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Because you’re in my play?

SKIPPY

Because I’m walking on land! - what kind of role do I have? - I hope you’re not going to
stereotype me..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’re playing Caliban..

SKIPPY

Oh, Caliban! - sounds like a noble knight - probably I get the girl in the end - oh, thank you,
thank you - finally a human role - this could be a turning point in my career!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Caliban is a savage and deformed slave..

SKIPPY

(Pauses, looks at the others)

And I suppose they have human roles - thanks a lot!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It’s a big important role - you’re onstage a lot..

SKIPPY

Oh, I am? - more stage time is good! - does this mean I’ll need lots of makeup?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

None at all, really..

SKIPPY

I hope I’m not getting typecast..

(ENTER MAN and WOMAN)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Director, or King Alonzo, meet your son..

(Gestures at Man with arm dangling from head)

THE DIRECTOR

That’s grotesque! - this man can’t be my son - bad for my image! - and how do I introduce
him? - “This is my son..”, and they’ll say, “Oh, and who is the mother?” - indeed!

MAN

Think how I feel, walking around this way! - do you know it won’t come off? - the arm, I mean -
know what that’s doing to my social life?

WOMAN

I don’t know why you’re complaining - at least you have hair! - how would you like being called
Bald-headed Lena? - I just hope my new role has hair!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Not exactly - you’re going to be Ariel, a spirit - you won’t need hair - you’ll be ethereal..

 17

WOMAN

Ethereal? - okay, a compromise - maybe my next role..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Everybody! - here are your scripts for Scene One - let’s do a staged reading of the scene while
we wait for our director..

(Passes out scripts as the LIGHTS DIM - LIGHTS

RISE to the SOUNDS of a ship caught in a great
storm - thunder, wind howling, seas crashing
against the ship - ENTER SYLVAN in tights and
ballet slippers, script in hand, doing ballet moves
to the sounds of the storm - ENTER CAPTAIN
ZILMO, the SOUNDS diminish)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Our first rehearsal! - Sylvan, you like the script?

SYLVAN

(Pirouetting)

I want dance, dance, dance in all the stage business..

(Does a faux de paus)

.. we must have dance!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Okay, I’m down with that - although this is a play - you must have read the script..

SYLVAN

This is a play? - it is nothing more than an adaptation - I thought you were giving me original
work - your so-called revenge upon the theater world - what you have given me is ‘The
Tempest’ by Shakespeare - only he wrote it so much better!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Well, he’s Shakespeare..

SYLVAN

And you are Captain Zilmo - what kind of name is that?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It’s a nom de plume I used when I first started writing..

SYLVAN

A nom de nothing! - what is your real name?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I.. I can’t tell you that..

SYLVAN

You must be a criminal - and this script is criminal! - where is there original work in this trifling
piece of apostasy?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Apostasy? - what does that mean?

 18

SYLVAN

And you call yourself a writer!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Well, I don’t know everything - this is an original satire, what I think I do best - I was
reading’The Tempest’ to try and borrow its plot, which Shakespeare himself contrived from
different sources - when I realized I couldn’t improve on his play, I just took the whole thing..

SYLVAN

.. and plagiarized it!

(Pirouettes)

No one can improve Shakespeare - he’s the man!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

The play just went this way - see, Sylvan, I see a play as an organic work, like a vegetable
growing in a garden - you don’t plan it out ahead of time - just plant the seed, water it, and
prune when it gets too wild - you don’t want to do my play?

SYLVAN

I will only do your silly play because I want to see dance on the stage! - and because I have no
other offers, except for a small teaching job four stops away - but perhaps, just perhaps, there
is something in this little play, some kind of strange cosmic insight into the idea of revenge -
and the concept of failure, which you know so well!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You’ll see - I gave it my all! - this play is what I have to say at this late stage of my writing -
'Captain Zilmo’s Revenge’!

SYLVAN

Lose the title..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But it’s my play!

SYLVAN

(Pauses)

I will direct your play - but as I am a true artist, I must have absolute control!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Have at it, dude..

SYLVAN

That’s Sylvan! - the actors are offstage, trying to make sense of your script..

(Calls offstage)

Enter Boatswain!

(ENTER DR. KRELLMAN, script in hand)

DR. KRELLMAN

(Reading from script)

“Stay the course, men! - we’ll tame this tempest - get those tops’ls down - helmsmen, twenty
degrees starboard, straight into the swells - you sailors, tighten the ropes on the mains’l - put
your arms into it!”

 19

(ENTER THE DIRECTOR, CRAB, FRANK, MAN and

CHO WAT, all with scripts)

THE DIRECTOR

“Take care of the ship, Boatswain - we don’t want to go down - it’s not for a king to drown!”

DR. KRELLMAN

“Hold on - no need for that! - Sid, Sid Krellman’s my name - now, on or off my bus - I gotta get
goin’! - you gettin on? - your trip will be a quick one - I always drive with my foot to the floor! -
it uses too much gas and passengers get mad - but it puts an edge on my day! - I feel the wind
in my hair, the salt stinging my eyes - see, I’m not just a crummy old bus driver - I’m the
captain of a pirate corsair! - Captain Sid Krellman! - I’m English, yeah! - and I sail around the
Caribbean, attacking ships of all kinds! - crikey, sometimes it can be gruesome, mateys - ay,
blood and cannons! - yes, I’ve seen it all, me lads - the wind, the waves, the women - yes, the
women - I’m quite a bit of a sea dog, I am - yo ho!”

SYLVAN

(Stamping his foot)

Hold! - those aren’t your lines!

(Reading script)

Your lines are, “We mariners can’t control the weather - if the sea, our mistress..”, et cetera -
now, take it from the top!

DR. KRELLMAN

(Overly dramatic)

We mariners can’t control the sea - if the weather, our mistress..”

SYLVAN

(Interrupting, slapping his script)

Book, book! - who’s on book?

(No response)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I guess I’ll do the prompts..

SYLVAN

You? - where’s your script?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I.. wrote the thing..

SYLVAN

(Pouts for a moment)

Okay, places everyone! - we’re rolling through the reading with no mistakes - my goodness,
you’ve got great big scripts in your tiny little hands - just read - and don’t go over the top! -
Boatswain, finish your lines..

DR. KRELLMAN

“..if the sea, our mistress, wishes to toss us, we’ll fight as she tries to throw us down! - I go
below to get orders from the ship’s Master..”

SYLVAN

Good, good - almost good..

 20

(DR. KRELLMAN EXITS)

THE DIRECTOR

“I’ll have him hanged if we drown, Sebastian!”

SYLVAN

Hold! - I’m not done giving my notes!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But Boatswain has exited!

SYLVAN

(Pauses, looks offstage)

You may continue..

THE DIRECTOR

“I’ll have him hanged if we drown, Sebastian!”

SYLVAN

Hold!

(To Captain Zilmo)

How’s he going to have him hanged, if he’s drowned?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

A little re-writing overnight..

SYLVAN

Take it from the top, King!

THE DIRECTOR

“I’ll have him hanged if we drown, Sebastian - for I am a Person of Consequence!”

SYLVAN

Stop, stop, stop! - where does it say, “for I am a Person of Consequence”?

THE DIRECTOR

But I am a Person of Consequence..

SYLVAN

In your last play you were a Person of Consequence - in this play, you’re a Person of No
Consequence - I am a Person of Consequence - I am the director! - do I make myself clear?

(Pauses for effect)

CRAB

He understands - now for my lines! - “You’ll come from the deep to do it, brother Alonso - even
a king drowns as a peasant!”

THE DIRECTOR

“Peasants we are none - would fate dare drown noblemen?”

SYLVAN

Good, good - two lines with no mistakes! - Ferdinand, son of the King of Naples, you’re next..

 21

MAN

(Reading, arm dangling form his forehead)

“Fate would drown an usurper to the dukedom - and a brother at that!”

SYLVAN

Stop the reading!

MAN

What? - did I say something wrong? - those are my lines..

SYLVAN

It’s not your lines - it’s that thing growing from your head!

MAN

This? - it’s just a little arm, an extra arm..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

That was for ‘Nuclear Fall-in’ - you don’t need the arm for this play..

SYLVAN

Lose the arm!

MAN

But I can’t get it off..

SYLVAN

Who cast this man?

MAN

I attached it with Gorilla Glue..

SYLVAN

Off before previews!

MAN

What about extra makeup?

SYLVAN

Off! - next lines! - Alonso, usurper of the dukedom!

FRANK

“What business yours? - brother Prospero did not attend his duties, kept his nose in his
books!”

CHO WAT

“Ay, book on magic!”

SYLVAN

That’s books, books - plural!

CHO WAT

That what I say - book..

 22

SYLVAN

- sss, -ssss!

CHO WAT

“Ay, book-sss - on magic!”

SYLVAN

Please.. work on it.. next lines!

FRANK

“The dukedom needed a duke, and fate called me to action, Gonzalo!

CHO WAT

“And so cast brother adrift, Antonio, as part of plot - daughter, too! - who know where landed?
- perhaps bottom of sea!”

SYLVAN

Cut! - who wrote this play?

CHO WAT

Captain Zilmo write..

SYLVAN

He wrote it - but you’re editing it - who gave you the the right to edit his lines?

CHO WAT

Sorry, I North Korean..

SYLVAN

In this play, you’re Elizabethan! - please, just try - next!

FRANK

“Years ago and done - we sail a ship about to split - would we had never voyaged from Milan!”

THE DIRECTOR

“Would I had never funded it!”

SYLVAN

I can’t believe it - two more lines with no mistakes - perhaps we’ll actually be able to mount a
production - Boatswain - re-enter!

(ENTER DR. KRELLMAN)

DR. KRELLMAN

“Even the Master says we are lost!

(Calls to offstage)

You men, pull - pull, me hearties, pull!

THE DIRECTOR

If the ship goes down, we are drowned - if the ship is spared, you are hanged!”

SYLVAN

Three lines with no mistakes - we’re on a roll - let’s go!

(ENTER HOO WI, dressed as a diva)

 23

HOO WI

(Launches into ‘America’ from ‘West Side Story’)

“I like to be in America

Okay by me in America

Everything free in America

For a small fee in America

Buying on credit is so nice

One look at us and they charge twice

I have my own washing machine

What will you not have to keep clean

Skyscrapers bloom in America

Cadillacs zoom in America

Industry boom in America

Twelve in a room in America!”

SYLVAN

Stop, stop! - this is not America - this is a five-hundred-year-old Italian ship about to sink - and
you’re Trinculo in this play - you come later - what are you doing in this scene?

HOO WI

Could not wait - song bottled up - it want free!

(ENTER WOMAN, dressed in a gauzy outfit as Ariel

the spirit)

WOMAN

“I boarded the king’s ship; now on the beak,

Now in the waist, the deck, in every cabin

I flamed amazement: sometimes I’d divide

And burn in many places; on the topmast

The yards, and bowsprit, would I flame distinctly,

Then meet and join. Jove’s lightnings, the precursors

O’ the dreadful thunderclaps..”

SYLVAN

You! - what are you doing? - that’s from Scene Two!

WOMAN

But I caused this tempest at my master’s bidding..

SYLVAN

But we don’t know that until later - and this is an adaptation - I know my Shakespeare - you
were quoting directly from ‘The Tempest’ - you can’t quote him - that’s plagiarism!

WOMAN

But Captain Zilmo wrote that..

SYLVAN

(To Captain Zilmo)

You can’t copy Shakespeare’s words!

 24

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But he said it so much better!

(ENTER SKIPPY as Caliban)

SKIPPY

“Here comes a spirit of Prospero, to yell at me for bringing in wood too slowly - perhaps he
won’t see me..”

(ENTER HOO WI as Trinculo)

HOO WI

“No shelter, and here comes another storm - I’ll hide here - but wait, what’s this? - man or fish -
smells like a fish!”

SKIPPY

I’m not a fish - I’m a mammal - mammal! - that is racism!

(ENTER HC HONCHO as Stefano)

HC

“What’s the matter? Have we devils here? Do you put tricks upon’s with salvages, and men of
India? Ha! - I say ha! - ha, ha, ha!

SYLVAN

Stanley Kowalski is not in this play! - this is a disaster!

(To Skippy)

And Caliban, you’re in Act Two, Scene Two!

(To Hoo Wi)

Same with you, Trinculo - and lose the diva outfit!

(ENTER DELMORE as Prospero)

DELMORE

“The hour’s now come;

The very minute bids thee ope thine ear;

Obey, and be attentive. Can’t thou remember

A time before we came unto this cell?”

SYLVAN

That’s Act One, Scene Two - this is Scene One - and you’re quoting Shakespeare, again!

(To Captain Zilmo)

You keep quoting ‘The Tempest’ - is this an adaptation, or am I doing pure Shakespeare here?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It’s my revenge!

SYLVAN

(Pauses, looks at him, looks at the motley crew)

And here’s my revenge, Captain Zilmo - I quit! - I can’t do this one-joke playlet - it’s an
abomination and an insult to William Shakespeare - tell you what, you lost yourself a director!

(Storms off - SYLVAN EXITS)

HC

(Looking after him)

And tell you what, lose the tights..

 25

CAPTAIN ZILMO

HC - respect for others!

CHO WAT

Now what do? - no director!

(ENTER ROGER ROGER, with his big unlit cigar

clenched in his mouth)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Oh, hello! - everyone, this is Roger Roger, our New York publicist! - Roger, you’ve directed
before, haven’t you?

ROGER ROGER

(Pulling his cigar from mouth, New York accent)

Maybe I have and maybe I haven’t - what’s it to you?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

That’s New Yorker for yes! - cast, meet our new director!

HC

I don’t like his attitude!

CHO WAT

He not want direct us!

SKIPPY

Are you a racist?

MAN

Let’s get outta here and grab a drink!

FRANK

You buying?

WOMAN

You kidding? - who takes money from a guy with three arms?

(The CAST EXITS en masse)

ROGER ROGER

(Calling after them)

Next rehearsal tomorrow - seven pm sharp!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Thanks for doing this , Roger - I’m stuck..

ROGER ROGER

Yo - look!

(Slaps script)

I got your script in the mail, read it last night..

(Pauses)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

And?

 26

ROGER ROGER

If I’m directing this play, you got twenty-four hours to re-write it!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

What? - but that script’s the best I got!

ROGER ROGER

You can do better, kid - show ‘em what you really got..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Write more? - I got nothing..

ROGER ROGER

Break those Elizabethan shackles - crack the iron links!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Pauses)

I’ve always tried to free myself in my writing - I’ve written songs for a musical, introduced a
chorus, gone Gothic - but still I’m just scratching the surface..

ROGER ROGER

Dig!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Oh, you dig? - I dig too, man..

ROGER ROGER

Dig deeper! - go inside the well!

CAPTAI ZILMO

What if the well’s gone dry?

ROGER ROGER

You have twenty-four hours to find water..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Pauses)

Okay, I‘ll give it one last shot.. say, why are you so interested in my success? - I mean, besides
the money, which I already paid - why don’t you just walk away?

ROGER ROGER

Look, let me be the New York cynic.. I’m trying to help because I think you got something, kid -
you just have to find it - and I just have to publicize it! - also, lose the pseudonym - I know your
real name - why not just be yourself?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Because theater is itself an artifice - and because maybe it won’t hurt so bad, when I fail and
have to go home, where I can drop the pen name and still be the real me..

 27

ROGER ROGER

The real you is the real author - okay, kid, I gotta roll - see you tomorrow at seven, with those
new scripts!

(ROGER ROGER EXITS)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Calling after him)

But wait! - Roger? - Roger Roger! - don’t leave me alone in this town - this is New York!

(Looks down at his script)

Dig, huh?

(LIGHTS DIM - LIGHTS RISE on a spotlight

STAGE LEFT - ENTER CAPTAIN ZILMO and
ROGER ROGER, scripts in hand - they pause in
the pool of light)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Can’t wait to see our first staged reading!

ROGER ROGER

We’ll see how your re-write looks - but I’m not so sure about your new title..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It fits the motif..

ROGER ROGER

But no alliteration, doesn’t roll off the tongue - why not just go with ‘Enchanted Car’?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Car could mean anything - an Audi, an Uber, a self-driving car that parks you in a pond..

ROGER ROGER

But, I don’t know.. ‘Enchanted Subway Car’?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

It says it all..

(The SOUNDS of an approaching subway car

roaring through a tunnel and squealing to a stop
STAGE RIGHT - LIGHTS UP on a New York
subway car, open head on, passengers facing
each other in seats on either side)

CHO WAT

(Dressed as 50’s hipster, sunglasses, poncho, pork

pie hat)

Hey groovy, man - we at station!

HOO WI

(Dressed as diva - starts to sing)

“Clank, clang, clang

Went the trolley

Beat, beat, beat

Went my heart!”

 28

HOO DAT

(Dressed as a nineteenth-century geisha girl, with

high laminated hair with emerald butterflies)

Sing off-key!

HOO WI

Dress off-key!

CHO WAT

Lucky butterflies not take off with wig! - hey man, why door not open? - I not dig!

DOCTOR KRELLMAN

Reminds me of a role I played in ‘Operation Sea Dog’ as a railroad conductor..

(Holds onto the overhead straps, swaying from

side to side)

“Clickety-clack, clickety-clack - climb aboard and shut that door - the draft could blow out ol’
Betsy’s fire! - whoo-whooo! - damn cows - get off the track! - they’re all over - the world’s
cows should be seen, but not herd - get it? - not herd! - railroad joke - here comes the express,
here comes the express, here comes the express - right on time! - roarrr, swooosh, clatter! -
flash, flash, flash! - there goes the express - right on time!”

FRANK

I played my best role as Frank in that play - leader of POMP - remember?

(Launches into role)

“Doc, what was the first message you ever sent Skippy?” - and your line was..

DR. KRELLMAN

(Pauses)

“Why, his name! - I kept transmitting, ‘Skippy, Skippy, Skippy!’, but got no response - until
finally one day he answered!

FRANK

With a message of brotherhood?

DR. KRELLMAN

No, he said.. well, loosely translated, it came out as, ‘What the hell do you want?’ - I was in
experimental ecstasy!

FRANK

At what level do you communicate with now, Doc?

DR. KRELLMAN

Skippy has astounding intelligence! - I’ve been reading to him from Scientific American about
neutrons, metallurgy, the stars..!

FRANK

What was his response? - any advances for science?

DR. KRELLMAN

He said, he said.. ‘it’s all just a bunch of rot!’ - it’s shaken me to the core of my scientific being
- I’ve been in a quandary ever since - boggles the mind! - do you suppose he’s right?

 29

FRANK

You’re the scientist! - me, I never think on such things - and I never look at the stars - I spend
most of my time underwater - the world can’t find me down there! - if only I could head POMP
from within a coral reef - that’s what I really want to do, Doc - return to our watery origins -
become a finny beast, again!”

CHO WAT

Dudes! - not reprise ancient roles - get door open!

FRANK

(Going to doors, trying to open them)

Hey - they’re stuck!

(LIGHTS RISE on the platform, with other

characters waiting to board the train)

HC

(Dressed in blue kimono, carrying a palette and an

easel - looking into car, shouting)

Hey, you people - get out!

HOO WI

(From inside train)

Door stuck!

HOO DAT

(Looking at HC from inside the train)

Nice man!

HC

(To other characters on platform)

I’m supposed to be at an art show in the City - my own show at the Metz! - thirty-seven
paintings featuring my recent masterpiece, ‘Dump Truck in Whipped Cream’ - the critics don’t
know what to make of it, but I call it my Mauve Period - and I’m going to paint portraits at the
show - self-portraits of me! - they must have a mirror..

(Sets up easel on platform, takes up palette)

Since I can’t ride the car, I’ll paint the car..

(Holds brush up before his eye)

I’m feeling.. fuchsia..yes, ‘Subway Car in Fuchsia’ - the start of my Fuchsia Period!

HOO DAT

(Waving at him through a train window)

Yoo-hoo! - cutie!

(All the characters on the platform start peering

into the subway car)

CHO WAT

Man, feel stuck in fishbowl..

MAN

(Sitting in car, arm dangling from his forehead - to

bald Woman sitting next to him)

I’ve decided against surgery..

 30

WOMAN

No?

MAN

It’s too near my brain..

WOMAN

What are you going to do?

MAN

Therapy.. I’m seeing Doctor Meowski, a therapist for cat owners..

WOMAN

But we don’t own a cat..

MAN

His idea is I accept the arm, treat it as a pet, like a cat..

WOMAN

How you going to do that?

MAN

Through hypnosis - he says I’ll stare at the arm for an hour, while he meows softly in my ear -
that should put me under and open to suggestion..

WOMAN

(Pauses)

You want a man to whisper in your ear? - well, I’ll wait for you at the salon..

MAN

What salon?

WOMAN

The ‘Miracle Grow Hair Salon’..

MAN

It’ll be a miracle if it works! - sorry, dear..

DR.KRELLMAN

(Looking out a train window)

Where’s Skippy? - he was to meet us on the platform - I want to discuss a top-secret grant
I just received!

FRANK

Some military research with porpoises?

DR. KRELLMAN

Can’t discuss the details here, but it involves aliens..

FRANK

(Loudly)

Aliens?

 31

DR. KRELLMAN

Shhh! - they’re watching us right now..

FRANK

Who?

DR. KRELLAMN

(Loudly)

The aliens!

FRANK

Shhh!

DR. KRELLMAN

(Sotto voce)

They’re just outside the dimensional fabric - life on earth is just one big alien experiment, which
they’ve set in motion and are watching play out - but this new grant allows me to study their
slip-ups - notice how you’ll just think a random thought, and then - bam! - you see or hear it
referenced the very next day - what are the odds? - it’s a design weakness in their alien plot to
bring us to our knees - a weakness which we can now exploit to keep our humanity intact!

FRANK

(Pauses)

Are you okay?

DR.KRELLMAN

Don’t believe me? - here’s proof! - my role as Doctor Polidari in ‘Lake Gothic’, a play Captain
Zilmo set in the eighteenth century - he’s on to them, too!

(Looks wildly around as he goes into character)

“I see them! - poking their hands through the dimensional fabric - the doppelgängers! - trying
to get in here - trying to get at me!

(Wards off imaginary hands, spins around)

The doppelgängers - they’re trying to get into our world!

(Scanning his head side-to-side - stops, stares)

That’s him! - my doppelgänger! - beckoning to me - can’t you see him? - he wants me to step
through the dimensional fabric!”

(He presses himself against an imaginary fabric,

starts twitching and whimpering like a dog having
a dream, attempting to step through the fabric to
something unseen on the other side)

FRANK

Eighteenth century dopplegangers?

DR. KRELLMAN

(Coming out of character)

Merely a cover for the aliens - they’ve been here forever - since the Pyramids!

FRANK

Um.. have you ever considered medication, Doctor?

 32

(ENTER SKIPPY at a run, or a flop, onto the

platform, dressed in a Brooks Brothers suit and
carrying an attache case)

SKIPPY

Out of my way humans! - I’ve got to catch that train! - it’s my first day at the office and I’m late!
- they hired me as Personnel Director - I’m finally going to control humans - payback’s a beach!

(Bangs on the train doors with his attache case)

Hey, let me in there - I’ve got to manage some people!

(Peering into car)

Frank? Doctor Krellman?

FRANK

(Shouting through the doors)

The doors are stuck, Skippy!

Dr. Krellman

(Shouting through the doors)

Call the office with your cell - tell them you’re going to be late!

SKIPPY

(Shouting into the car)

I’ve got flippers - I can’t use a cell phone!

DR. KRELLMAN

No cell? - you’re a harbinger of the future - a being who actually thinks!

(ENTER THE DIRECTOR and CRAB onto the

platform)

CRAB

I checked with transit security - this train has issues - they can’t open the doors!

THE DIRECTOR

But that means I’ll have to wait among these people!

(Looks around)

With who knows who? - my security could be at risk! - have you checked for guns or bombs?

CRAB

Even better - I checked the info on their Facebook accounts - their postings are quite boring -
certainly not a threat..

THE DIRECTOR

Oh? - then I’m feeling safer.. Crab, I have an idea - I should have been the one to play Prospero
in our adaption of ‘The Tempest’ - he’s the most important character - like me! - he controls the
plot and the characters, with the help of his spirit, Ariel - that spirit could be you, Crab! - can
you help me take over this play?

CRAB

But, Director - Ariel is invisible at times..

THE DIRECTOR

Invisible at Prospero’s command! - and I command you to be invisible - now!

(Crab just stands there)

 33

THE DIRECTOR (Con’t.)

Well? - you’re invisible, Ariel! - go to one of the other characters - they won’t even notice you!

CRAB

(Pauses, goes over to HC painting)

Hello.. you probably can’t see or hear me because I’m invisible..

HC

(Briefly pausing in his painting, looking at Crab)

I can’t see or hear you because you’re an insect - go away..

(Goes back to painting - Crab pauses, goes back

to The Director)

CRAB

Don’t think I’m invisible, Prospero..

THE DIRECTOR

There’s more magic up my sleeve, Ariel!

(ENTER DELMORE as a giant chicken)

DELMORE

Hey, I heard all that - you’re not Prospero - I am!

THE DIRECTOR

Gadzooks! - how could a giant chicken play Prospero? - and that was the last draft!

DELMORE

How could a pompous ass believe the world revolves around him?

CRAB

He’s got a point, Director - present administration notwithstanding..

DELMORE

(Goes over to a painting HC)

HC, why is everyone standing on the platform? - our train is here!

HC

(Painting)

Train’s stuck..

DELMORE

What? - but I’ve got to get to the city - I’ve got to find people like me!

HC

(Briefly pausing in his painting, looking over at

Delmore as a giant chicken)

There are no people like you, Delmore..

(Continues painting)

DELMORE

(Looking around at the other characters)

I’ve got to find my people!

 34

(Rushes the doors to the train, wrenches them

open with a Herculean effort - a brief tableau as
the characters inside and outside the train look at
each other)

CHO WAT

Door open - we bounce!

(Exits the car with a hipster walk)

HOO DAT

What’s hunky man painting?

(Swishes out the car towards HC)

HOO WI

I have new audience!

(Singing to the characters on the platform)

“People, people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world

We’re children, needing other children

And yet letting our grownup pride

Hide all the need inside

Acting more like children, than children!”

(Dances her way out the car)

MAN

Come, Woman - I have an appointment with a cat-whisperer..

(MAN EXITS onto platform)

WOMAN

(WOMAN EXITING onto platform)

Man, do you really need a therapist? - I could learn to love the arm..

MAN

(Pausing on platform)

But what about.. you know..

WOMAN

We’ll put up blackout curtains - and I’ll close my eyes real tight..

MAN

Then forget about Doctor Meowski - and I know a good sushi bar!

WOMAN

Does this mean you don’t want me to go to the hair salon?

MAN

The lights will be out - but for now, let’s eat! - you got money?

WOMAN

(Pausing)

Let me look in my purse..

(Rummages in purse)

 35

HOO DAT

(To HC painting on the platform)

What you paint?

HC

(Pauses)

I don’t talk to people like you..

HOO DAT

People like who? - you wear blue kimono..

HC

Yeah, but that’s just because.. I’m trying to find myself..

HOO DAT

Why find? - you right here - you fine man!

HC

I am?

HOO DAT

You fine by me - show me how paint?

HC

(Pauses)

Well, maybe just a stroke or two..

HOO DAT

Ohhh - like when talk dirty!

HC

Just take the brush..

(Hands Hoo Dat the paintbrush)

.. make a long line on top of my picture of the train..

(Watches Hoo Dat paint)

.. now another.. I think you’re getting it.. now keep at it - I just felt an artistic impulse and have
to follow my gut!

(HC EXITS)

HOO DAT

(Painting a line)

I real artist.. feel real good!

DR. KRELLMAN

(Sotto voce to Frank)

The aliens are among us..

(They look around the platform)

FRANK

(Loudly)

What do aliens look like?

 36

DR. KRELLMAN

Shhh! - exactly like all of us..

(They look at the other characters on the platform)

.. completely normal..

THE DIRECTOR

Ariel, I call you - spirit!

CRAB

(Going to him)

Have a new trick, Prospero?

THE DIRECTOR

Yes, it’s called “the willing suspension of disbelief..”

(Calls out to the other characters on the platform)

Hello, all! - since we are only characters of our author’s imagination, it should be no problem to
willingly suspend our disbelief - therefore, I Prospero, declare Crab invisible - as his new
character is Ariel!

DELMORE

(Looming over The Director)

Hey! - I’m supposed to be Prospero!

CRAB

Not in this play, you’re not!

(ENTER CAPTAIN ZILMO from the wings)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I didn’t write this! - what do you characters think you’re doing?

THE DIRECTOR

We know you didn’t write it - we’re now writing this play!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But we’re not adapting ‘The Tempest’, anymore - that was before the rewrite! - and where’s
your plot?

DR. KRELLMAN

We’re working out the plot before your eyes - like an experimental theater company!

FRANK

Remember La Mama?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But you don’t really exist - I made you all up!

DELMORE

Here on this stage, we exist!

CRAB

And we’re not going away!

 37

MAN

It’s your fault I have this arm!

WOMAN

Thanks for the hair!

MAN

And we’re the only characters with no names!

WOMAN

We’re nobodies!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Sorry, it was my Stark Period..

SKIPPY

Come on, let’s do this play!

(ENTER TIME)

TIME

(To Captain Zilmo)

“Oral, baby - you better get up and do your show - now!

(A change of voice)

You better listen to me, podner - ‘cause I’m big - yeah, real big! - and tough, boy, strong -
mean! - come on now, kid - get your butt in gear!

(Cattle SOUNDS - a herd)

Yeah, this here’s a roundup and we’re all big and tough cowboys who feel so strong and we’ve
had our early mornin’ risin’ and pissin’ and et our before-the-sun vittles - yeah and we’ve drunk
our coffee outta dusty tin cups and those cows are awaitin’ on us - don’t you hear them out
there now, a-lullin’ and a-mooin’?

(Cattle SOUNDS)

That sun come up, they wanna move - we wanna be gone - we gotta market ta reach! Wichita!
Yeah, hot and dusty miles! Les’ round ‘em up! - head ‘em out! - Duke, you and Curly head out
over that way, and me n’ Oral’ll.. me and Oral.. just as soon as ol’ Oral gets up! - yeah, we’ll
both be out there inna minute..

(Cattle SOUNDS)

.. well, it’ mawnin’, Oral - yeah, a good ol’ Western mawnin ’out here under these clean
Western skies - stars are out still, a-twinklin’ - the sun’s just risin’ over the mountain tops - and
I know it’s cold! - but that early mawnin’ bacon is still a-fryin’ on the air! - Lawd, do it smell
good! - and more fresh coffee a-brewin’ - Lawdy, Lawd! Be good ta.. git on up and head ‘em
out! Move ‘em out! Yeah! Let’s go, Oral - head ‘em out! Hah! It’s in the air, Oral - it’s a new
mawnin’ and we’re both strappin’ big cowboys and young, and we fell this day comin’ on us
like we was born to it! Yeah! I’ve got me some things ta do! - cattle ta move , a buffalo or two ta
shoot if th’ need should so arise! - yeah, places ta go! I’m a man and you’re a man and you
know what we gotta do - what we’re paid ta do! Paid ta drive this bunch ‘o ornery critters up ta
Wichita, yeah, git a good price fur ‘em now - dollar a head! - that’s a lotta greenbacks, Oral -
lotta booze and a lotta broads! - yeah, I’m proud ta be a cowboy, dagnabit! - I like ridin’ muh
horse, snappin’ muh whip - swingin’ muh lariat! - don’t you, Oral?

(Cattle SOUNDS)

Are you a man, Oral? - ol’ podner - are you a doggone man?

(Cattle SOUNDS)

 38

TIME (Con’t.)

Oral - you’re not a man - you’re an Easterner - a godawful pantywaist! Move ‘em out,
cowpunchers! We’ll leave ol’ Oral and his beaver skin hat in bed - we gotta herd ta move! -
Hayaahhh!

(Whistles)

Head ‘em out!”

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Stop! Stop it! - where did you come from?

TIME

From your play, ‘Another Depression’ - remember?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

You can’t suddenly appear in another of my plays!

TIME

I’m the character of Time - I can appear wherever I want..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Now, I do remember - you were only an offstage voice that you developed into a physical
onstage presence - a major character in that play!

DELMORE

See, we do have control over your plays..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

No, you don’t - you’re just characters from my head - I write these plays, not you - and I’m
saying, “Curtain!’ - “Curtain”, do you hear? - this play is over!

(The characters just stand there, confused -

ENTER ROGER ROGER)

Well? - goodbye!

ROGER ROGER

(Takes Captain Zilmo by the arm)

Listen, kid - I’ve been watching from the wings - it’s too late - your characters have taken over
your revenge - why not go back in the wings - I’ll direct your characters - we’ll just have to see
where it goes..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Pauses)

I guess I’ll just go with the flow..

DELMORE

You’re not mad at us, are you?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

No.. I still love you - you’re my characters..

SKIPPY

We love you, too..

 39

(CAPTAIN ZILMO pauses, EXITS to the SOUNDS

of the subway car doors closing, the train starting
up and clattering away)

SKIPPY

Hey, there goes my train - empty!

ROGER ROGER

There goes your job, Skippy!

DELMORE

How will I get to my people without a train?

THE DIRECTOR

Forget about the train! - it’s time for my speech as Prospero harkening Ariel:

“Come away, servant, come! I am ready now;

Approach, my Ariel; come!

CRAB

All hail, great master! Grave sir, hail

I Come

To answer thy best pleasure; be’t to fly,

To swim, to dive into the fire, to ride

On the curl’d clouds; to they strong bidding task

Ariel, and all his quality.”

ROGER ROGER

Cut! - you’re quoting Shakespeare, again!

MAN

What do you care?

ROGER ROGER

Because I’m your new director - whatever we end up doing, it must be original!

WOMAN

You’re not the director in this play - you’re just our advisor..

CHO WAT

We can direct ourselves!

(To The Director and Crab)

Paraphrase, broskies, paraphrase!

THE DIRECTOR

(Pauses, calls out)

“Ariel, get your butt out here!

CRAB

(Appearing)

Yeah? - what you want?”

(ENTER HC HONCHO dressed in a gorilla

costume)

 40

HC

“You know.. sometimes, in the middle the night.. I wake up feeling all alone.. no mother, no
father… no loved one.. no one to call out to.. it’s just me.. I feel I’ve been shot into space in a
bubble.. and I’m lookin’ back at this little twinkle of a planet.. and nobody knows I’ve gone..
and that scares me.. and you know what scares me more?.. having no kids…”

ROGER ROGER

No, gorilla son? - HC, there is no gorilla in ‘The Tempest’, if that is what we’re doing - where
did you get your character?

HC

From ‘Sketches of The Gene Pool’ - I was feeling gorilla and had to go with my gut..

ROGER ROGER

(Pauses, to himself)

I’ll just have to try and facilitate - I owe it to Zilmo..

(To HC)

Why not lose the gorilla costume? - next rehearsal, consider wearing a sixteenth century robe..

(To the cast)

Places everyone! - please take it from the top - Act One, Scene One - let’s get this puppy
walked! - whatever dog it turns out to be..

(LIGHTS DIM - LIGHTS RISE on the writing studio -

Captain Zilmo at his desk, the various characters
lounging around him)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

I suppose you read the reviews..

DELMORE

Oh, we never read reviews..

CRAB

We don’t have to..

WOMAN

We’re just characters in your plays..

CHO WAT

We not want get depressed..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

The early reviews said ‘Captain Zilmo’s Revenge’ was the bomb - or more specifically, a bomb
- that’s why we closed after the first preview - maybe next time, you’ll trust me and follow my
script - now, I’ll never be remembered..

SKIPPY

No one remembers you unless you’re famous..

HOO WI

Which you not famous!

DR. KRELLMAN

We are only remembered..

 41

FRANK

.. if at all..

DR. KRELLMAN

.. by the work we leave behind..

HC HONCHO

.. or the characters we leave behind..

MAN

Characters like us!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Pauses)

You mean, nobody will remember me, they’ll just remember you?

THE DIRECTOR

Gadzooks - if you’re lucky!

CAPTAIN ZILMO

But if my plays don’t get performed, nobody will remember you guys, either..

(A pause, the characters look at each other)

HOO DAT

Not think of that..

CRAB

Well then, we’ve got to get produced!

HC

But how?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

(Pauses)

Listen.. I’ve been reading a book - actually, the world’s first piece of literature - ‘The Epic of
Gilgamesh’ - the story of a harsh and uncaring king who meets a man raised by animals - they
conflict, fight, but become friends and go on a search for immortality - during the trip, the wild
man dies, but the sad king continues onward, still looking for immortality - only to find it
doesn’t exist - and he returns to his kingdom to become a thoughtful and caring ruler..

(The characters just look at him)

.. it’s a four-thousand-year-old Babylonian text - of course, I read it in English, as my cuneiform

is a little rusty..

HC

Babylonia - that near Stockton?

HOO WI

Have better idea - musical comedy starring me!

(Breaks into song)

“We got trouble, my friend

Right here in River City!”

 42

CHO WAT

You got trouble, girlfriend - trouble holding note!

(To Captain Zilmo)

I think immortality play, good play - but where we play?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Forget New York! - forget money and fame! - we’ll play locally, here on the West Coast - at
centers for assisted living! - you characters will perform for people at the ends of their lives,
who age against their will - but you’ll brighten up their day! - show them that it’s good to
accept one’s mortality - because there is no immortality..

HOO DAT

What call?

CAPTAIN ZLMO

We’ll call it.. ‘The Epic Journey” - because life is an epic journey - but all journeys must come
to an end..

HC

Sounds pretty heavy, man - you gonna have enough roles for us characters?

CAPTAIN ZILMO

There’s plenty of gods and monsters!

HC

I do not do monsters, unless they drink beer..

(ENTER ROGER ROGER and SYLVAN)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Hey, how’d you get here? - I thought I left you in New York!

ROGER ROGER

We’re just characters like the others - and we don’t need a jet to travel..

SYLVAN

.. we appear anywhere, at any time - we even time travel!

ROGER ROGER

We heard what you were saying about your new play - and to help you out, I’m willing to
promote it out here in the remote provinces..

SYLVAN

.. and I’m willing to direct it!

(Pirouettes)

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Does this men we’ll have dance?

SYLVAN

Only if the spirit moves me!

 43

CAPTAIN ZiLMO

(Pauses)

Okay, tomorrow I’ll start work on the script - meet me back here at seven - if I get enough
written, we’ll have a table reading of Scene One..

SYLVAN

But you have no table..

CAPTAIN ZILMO

Already you’re being difficult - scram, you characters! - I have work to do..

(The CHARACTERS EXIT into the shadows -

Captain Zilmo looks up at the portrait of
Shakespeare)

Here we go again! - but one thing I learned, which I have long suspected - is that I’m not you,
William Shakespeare - ‘twas a conceit! - no playwright could ever be you - we are just
ourselves - but we do have something in common with you - we are all brothers and sisters of
the pen! - and tell me, William - I’ve read ‘The Tempest’ twice in a row now, and have
deciphered most of your references - but there’s still one line I can’t figure out :”Or night kept
chained below..” - I don’t get it, what does that mean? - I know you’re master of your
Elizabethan vernacular, but I am also pretty facile with modern dialogue - I just keep cutting
and editing - you know, William, it’s amazing how if you cut part of a line or a clause, you can
say the same things with less words - or even say more!

(Pauses, looks up at portrait)

But I guess you know that..

(Sits down at his 1938 Simplex typewriter, pounds

out a line with two fingers - reads it aloud)

“I am Gilgamesh, absolute ruler of Babylon - cross me, and see what power I wield over your
common lives!”

(Looks up at portrait)

Or as you might write: ”Know me as Gilgamesh - step on the hem of my robe and trumpets
will blare in your ears, declaring my absolute power over your fraught and mercurial lives!”

(Pauses, looks up)

No, I’m sure you would have written a better line - after all, you’re Shakespeare…

(He starts pecking away at the old Simplex as a

spot lights up the portrait of Shakespeare - and the
LIGHTS DIM)

CURTAIN