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Challenge extreme terms

Often, when people are being difficult, they speak in


extreme terms that match their worldviews.
So, if the other person says, ‘I always have to’ or ‘You
never…’, acknowledge their view, but then present your
perspective. ‘I know you think I never… but actually, I
often…’ or, ‘I understand that it seems like it’s always you,
and yet…’
See if you can avoid linking sentences with the word ‘but’.
When the other person hears ‘but’, they know you are
going to refute their view. Try to avoid the word altogether
or, when it’s appropriate, use the word ‘and’ rather than
‘but’. For example, ‘I know you feel angry and I’m feeling
upset.’ Sounds so much less defensive than ‘I know you’re
angry but I’m feeling upset.’
Another example of this is if you apologize for something:
‘I’m sorry I raised my voice, but I couldn’t help it.’ The ‘but’
disqualifies the apology. Take responsibility for shouting.

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