How to Be Assertive Without Being

Rude
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Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
Last Updated: March 31, 2021 Approved

Assertiveness is a communication skill as well as a behavior. An assertive person

expresses their thoughts and feelings in direct and appropriate ways. They also respect
the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of other people.[1] Knowing how to be assertive
without being rude or aggressive is an important life skill.
Method 1
Communicating Assertively Download Article
1.

1
Identify your needs and feelings. Take stock of when you don't feel like you're being
treated with respect. Think about situations when you felt steamrolled. Then consider
how you would like to be treated in these situations.
 When you identify your needs and feelings, you can develop expectations for
how you want to be treated in the future.
2.

2
Have clear boundaries in mind. Know what you're willing to do or what would mean
you're going too far. If you know your boundaries, then you won't have to search for
your boundaries in the middle of a stressful situation.[2]
 For example, if your brother often asks you for money, and you're not sure
how to handle it, have an exact number in mind for how much you're willing
to give. If you're not willing to give any more money, know that before you
talk to him again and be ready to assert your boundaries.
3.
3
Explain how you feel and what you need. When you are assertive, you explain how
you feel and what you need, without being rude or aggressive. These skills can help you
stand up for yourself and still treat other people with respect. [3] Convey your
opinions, thoughts and feelings in a respectful manner. If you feel unsure about
explaining your feelings, try writing them down first or practicing what you might say.
[3]
 For example, perhaps you want a raise at work, but you haven't found a good
way to speak up about it yet. The best outcome would be having the
opportunity to make yourself heard and have your request for a raise
accepted.
4.

4
Be straightforward. It can be difficult to simply tell someone what you want,
especially if being nice is one of your stronger qualities. You may feel that it seems rude
to actually say what you think. In reality, however, it isn't rude at all. Beating around
the bush will make you seem passive or bendable. Project self-awareness and strength
so you can get your way without having to argue.
 Don't sugarcoat your position to make it seem more palatable. For example, if
you want your aunt to stop dropping by unannounced, say something like
"Aunt Ida, please start calling before you come over. That will give me time
to prepare for your visit." Don't say, "Aunt Ida, would it be OK with you if
you call me sometimes before you come over? But only if it's convenient for
you, I don't really mind either way."
5.

5
Don't apologize for your opinions or needs. When you are assertive, you own your
feelings and needs, and you feel justified in having them. Don't apologize for asking to
get what you need.[3]
6.
6
Practice assertive nonverbal communication. Communication happens both with
words and with body language.[4] The way you present your position will impact the
way it's received. To have assertive nonverbal communication, practice some of these
skills:
 Maintain eye contact.
 Stand or sit with good posture.
 Speak with an appropriate tone and volume of voice.
 Keep your body relaxed and calm.
7.

7
Show appreciation for the other person. When you communicate assertively, you also
recognize the contributions of the other person. You can still ask for what you want, but
you should acknowledge when the other person has made concessions or has conveyed
their feelings.[1] Otherwise, you may come across as disinterested and rude.
8.

8
Manage your stress. When you are stressed, it's often the case that you feel you are not
in control of a situation. This can influence the way you respond in a given situation.
You might be more prone to respond aggressively or passively. Managing stress is
integral to communicating assertively.[5]
9.

9
Choose an appropriate time to have a conversation. If you're tired or hungry, wait
until you've resolved those issues before embarking on a conversation. You might lose
your cool more quickly and come across as rude if you're not feeling very good.[3]
10.

10
Practice and be patient. Learning to be assertive takes time and practice. Start
practicing your assertiveness techniques in small situations, such as telling your friend
that you don't want to watch a certain movie. Build upon each experience and soon you
will find yourself to be assertive in other situations too.[6]
Method 2
Trying Assertive Techniques Download Article
1.

1
Try the broken record technique. In this technique, calmly restate your feelings or
need each time someone tries to argue or distract you. (For example, "Please stop
making sexist jokes." "I don't find sexist jokes funny.") This is a way to stick to your
principles without disrespecting the other person.[7]
 For example, you might try to return a damaged item to a store to get a
refund. If the clerk tries to offer you other alternatives (fixing the item or
telling you it's not damaged), keep repeating that you'd like a refund.
 This technique is assertive rather than rude as it lets you make your point by
stating clearly what you want in a non-offensive way. Body language and
tone are important here. You don't want to yell or treat the other person badly.
Your simple statement is power enough.
2.

2
Try the fogging technique. Use the phrase, “You might be right,” when someone tries
to draw you into an argument. In this way, you acknowledge that the other person's
views may have merit, but you remain confident in your position. Agreeing does not
mean that you back down and change your mind.[3]
 For example, if someone says, “Your haircut looks stupid,” you can respond
with, “You might be right.” They might continue: “Didn't you hear me? You
look like a loser.” Respond by saying, “You might be right, but it will grow
back.”
 This technique is assertive rather than rude. Because you agree with the
antagonizer, you take the wind out of their argument and keep the
conversation from escalating. It's difficult for the other person to argue with
you when you might agree with them. Additionally, saying “you 'might' be
right” doesn't confirm that the bully is right, only that they might be.
Everyone has a right to their own opinion.
3.

3
Use I statements. This is a common technique taught in almost every assertiveness
training course. An I statement is when you begin a sentence with “I…” It is successful
because it focuses on what you need without putting the other person in a corner. You
allow the other person to think, feel and do what is best for them.
 Using an I statement is an assertive technique rather than a rude one because
you are taking responsibility for your feelings. You are not blaming the other
person. “I” statements are a good way to open up communication so that the
problem can be solved.
 Sample I statements are: “I feel angry when you use sarcasm,” “I feel insulted
when you put your desires ahead of mine,” or “I feel hurt when you talk to me
like that.”
4.

4
Be polite but firm. Stay within the bounds of politeness while also expressing
yourself. After saying what you need to say, listen to the other side. There's no need to
raise your voice to be heard. There's more power (and politeness) in being calm and
collected.
 That said, avoid being too smiley or giggling after you say your piece. You
can be polite without undermining yourself. Only lighten the mood in this
way if it's appropriate for what you're talking about.
Method 3
Recognizing the Difference Between Assertiveness and Rudeness
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1.

1
Understand what rudeness looks like. Rudeness is an absence of respect for the
other person, their feelings, their beliefs and their views. When someone is rude,
they are more likely to be sarcastic, angry, abusive or bullying.
 Rudeness also can include yelling, offensive language, making threats,
intimidating gestures like pointing or even shoving.
 For example: Raj and Josh waited in line all night for concert tickets. They
are excited to see the line finally moving. They have saved for weeks to
afford these tickets. Suddenly a group of older guys force their way in line
ahead of Raj and Josh. “Hey, we've been here all night. You can't cut in front
of us,” says Raj. “Look, you little freak, I'm not moving so shut it,” yells one
of the bullies as he puts his face in Raj's face and jabs his finger into Raj's
chest for emphasis as he talks.
 As an illustration of rudeness, the bully is not showing respect for Raj and
Josh, for their rights and their views. He is being abusive, he is yelling, using
offensive language and being intimidating with his body language.
2.

2
Understand what it means to be assertive. To be assertive is to “express yourself
effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and
beliefs of others.”[2] Assertiveness involves all of your communication skills, meaning
your words, your actions, your body language and your voice tone and facial
expressions. When a person communicates assertively, all of these elements are in
harmony. Simply put, assertiveness is being confident without being aggressive.
3.

3
Notice that assertive people keep their anger in check. Sometimes you'll feel angry,
and sometimes your anger will be very justified. An assertive person will speak up,
being respectful while speaking powerfully as needed, whereas an aggressive person
will lash out (with words or actions).
 Assertive people critique the thoughts/behavior, not the individual. "It was
very hurtful of you to make those racial comments to Mika" is different from
"You're a racist pig."
4.

4
Recognize respect for the other person. Assertiveness is rooted in mutual respect.
Without both parties respecting each other, you cannot communicate assertively.
Instead, the dialogue is filled with aggression or passivity. When you have respect for
the other person's feelings, you can get what you want without stepping on others' toes.
[1]
Method 4
Recognizing Your Communication Style Download Article
1.

1
Recognize an aggressive response. Communication styles are learned from our earliest
years so it might be difficult to tell what assertiveness looks like.[8] If a child observes
aggressive interactions, they will most likely adopt that style. Someone might respond
aggressively to you when you get when you want. The other person is put on the
defensive and feels intimidated. [3] An aggressive response might look like this:
 One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think you
could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person responds
with, “I have to finish getting the food ready. Why don't you get off your lazy
duff and get your own clean shirt?” Both people are communicating
aggressively. Each is aiming to get what they need without regard for the
other person.
2.

2
Recognize a passive response. When someone gets what they want out of a situation,
this might leave you feeling resentful, angry or taken advantage of. If you respond
passively, you won't stand up for your own needs. [3] A passive response might look like
this:
 One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think you
could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person responds
with, “Fine. I guess the food will just be late. Don't blame me if everyone
complains.” The first person is still being aggressive and the second person
responds passively. One gets what he wants while the other doesn't stand up
for her needs.
3.

3
Determine if you're using one-sided assertiveness. Even if the other person is being
aggressive or passive, respond with assertiveness. Assert your rights and feelings by
telling the other person what you don't like. Tell the other person what you need. [3]
 One person might say, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do you think
you could get me a clean shirt sometime this century?” The other person can
respond assertively with: “The clean shirts are hanging in the closet. I need to
finish getting the food ready.” Although the first person's request is still
aggressive and sarcastic, the second person is able to respond assertively. She
 could further assert her rights and feelings by telling the first person that she
doesn't like the sarcasm and that she would appreciate it if he would see that
they are both busy getting ready for the party.
4.

4
Recognize assertive responses. In an assertive response, both you and the other person
feel respected and heard. [3] Even if you have learned to respond aggressively or
passively, you can still learn to communicate assertively and respectfully.[5]
 One person says, “Our guests will be arriving any minute. Do I have any
clean shirts?” The other person responds with, “Yes, there are several in the
closet. I need about five more minutes with the food.” Both people address
their needs while respecting those of the other.