Wednesday, 19 December 2018

KARMA IS A BITCH

Hi guys. Bhaiyya…. Are guys don’t worry….tum main se kisi ko

nahi….I was toh calling AC wale bhaiyya. Bhaiyya room mein Helium
levels dheere dheere badhana taaki logon ki shak na ho. Jokes funny
toh nahi hai, phir benchod hum kyun itna has rahe hai. Just kidding.
Or am I? Arey bhaiyya bola na dheere dheere.

If I’m not looking at the audience and looking down it’s not coz I’m a sanskari girl.
Nahin woh main hoon. I’m very very sanskari (in a sexy voice) and thats why all the
uncles and aunties love me. No when I say uncles, its in a good way…coz u know
im sanskaari. So anyway if I’m looking down it’s coz I have a stage fear. It’s not coz
my parents gave me values but coz at a very early age they made me realise I’m
worthless. So basically I’m a worthless woman with a lot of values. No No. It’s not
sad. It’s something I celebrate. With a bottle of beer, drinking in front of my dad. And
when he gets angry and yells at me that I’m a worthless piece of shit, I feel like I’m
serving my purpose.

But after I told him I wanna be a writer, he stopped yelling at me. Now he just
throws those looks. On my way out, on my way in. But even I’ve decided that I’m
gonna prove him wrong. Main movie banakar hi rahoongi.

Isi josh mein script leke pahunch gayi… Producer ke office.

This script that I wrote was inspired from the love story of a guy I met during my
travel. So it was real and heartfelt.

I narrated him the entire script and in the end the heroine dies.

The producer was very unhappy. He said the audience won’t like it.

So I went back with another one. Only this time the hero dies.

Again he was unhappy and said ‘How can a hero die?’ I wanted to say like all other
humans but I restrained.

Now I went back again. This time no one dies. And they both get together and he
said it was too routine.

But I didn’t give up. This time in the end they get seperated. He gave me that papa
wala worthless piece of shit look. I got so used that I know one when I see one.

So just to prove otherwise, I gave him what he wanted.

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Hero kills a bunch of bad guys and saves the heroine and the end. So people are
dead toh main bhi khush and we don’t tell the audience whether the girl and guy got
tother after the tiring fight toh woh bhi khush.

Just like my father…. Who thinks I’m an extraordinary daughter when I do ordinary
things.

Men assume women are not funny. Yes they aren’t and I totally agree.

It’s not funny when your mom tells you beta ghar jaldi wapas aana. Mummy toh aise
hi bolthi rehti hai.

Par jab papa bolte hai, jaldi wapas aa, toh phat ke haath mein aa iati hai. And
comedy comes out of tragedy. Which explains why men are more funny. Party mein
drink pakad ke jab dimag mein aata hai hi ki ‘wow what a sexy girl’ or ‘wow what a
dude’ or when you feel like doing something naughty, you hear your dad’s voice
from behind. ‘Kya kar raha hai’ and if your imagination is strong, you’ll see him too.
And see, it is funny.

Kabhi unwanted jagah pe unwanted kaam karte hue mom ki yaad aayi? Nahi na?
Agar aathi toh it also means there is something psychologically wrong with you.
Woh alag baat hai.

And then girlfriends. See men are funny. They get the joke. You know this is exactly
whats wrong with a woman’s sense of humour. They get offended. With almost
everything under the sky. They even get offended even when ur ex looks better.
Which is actually funny if you think about it. He left a better looking girl to be with
you. Ha ha jokes on you. No but we have to be annoying about it.

Girl : ‘Hmm’

Guy : Kya hua jaanu ?

As if he’s diffusing a bomb. Ek dum pyaar se. Aur soch raha hai red wire kaatoon ya
black. Kausa cut Karne se main bachoonga.

But what he doesn’t understand is chahe laal ho ya kaala…… I think aap sab ki
kabhi na kabhi kati. I don’t think I need to finish the sentence.

So anyway,

Guy : Kya hua jaanu?

Girl : Kuch nahi

You know if you’ve noticed, most psychology students are women.

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 Wednesday, 19 December 2018
But I think even if this girl tops her university I bet she would say the same.
Padhaayi gayi bhaad mein Maine mummy se seekha hai ki direct attack nain Karna
hai. It’s like a lion hunting a deer. We wait patiently.

Agar deer chutiya hai toh…. What am I saying.

Deer toh chutiye hote hi hai.

Pagal hai.

Ghaas kaon khaata hai.

Aur vegetarians…..seriously?

You know this is one topic where equality exists. When men and woman are
considered equally chutiya for their food choices.

So lets get back to the hunting lion. I mean women.

After a lot of Jaanu, Sona, Babu she acts as if she’s giving up when all this while she
was dying to pounce.

Girl : I saw your ex today. And she was looking very pretty.

No that wasn’t funny. At least not for men.

Arey bhai. Kaise mard ho?….apne life ke tragedy pe khud has rahe ho.

But I understand how this is funny to u.

Yeh phir se woh papa wali situation ho gayi. You are dying to see ur ex. Mann se laal
tapak raha hotha hai.

But no no no no no.

You don’t cut the red wire. Kaali wali pe dhyan do.

Dimag boltha rehtha hai kaali, kaali. Maybe thats how maa kaali got her name.
Anyway but there is another inner voice. Yeh woh voice jisko hamesha mute pe
rakhna chahiye. Nahi toh zindagi……u get it.

But you know there are some brave men. Chaahe laal wali katoon ya kaali….. Ek na
ek din toh sab ko marna hai. Chalo atleast himmat se marte hai.

Yeh lo…..laal wali ko kaata. Kya Kar loge?

Girl : It was a mistake I chose you. You don’t love me only.

Uss time pe jo yeh doosra voice hai …. jise Maine bola ki mute pe rakhna hai, woh
auto activate ho jaatha hai.

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And it tells the guy : Chutiye….. Tu wiase bhi kaunsa shahjahan ki aulaad hai. You
don’t love me. Agar banna bhi pada shahjahan…. Toh dhang wali ko toh dhoond. Is
ke liye taj mahal kya red roses bhi bekar hai. Tu fikar mat kar. Hum dhoond lenge.

Tab ek teesri aawaz aathi hai. Yeh path nahi andar se baahar se aathi hai ya Kahn
aur se aathi hai. Par hai bahut powerful.

And its called sacchayi ki aawaz.

Aur woh bolta hai : ‘Chutiye… uski mat sun. Raat ko horny hua toh woh aake Todi
na soyega tere saath. Yeh wali ko maintain Karna musukil hai, acchi wali aayi
toh……(Head nod).’

Aur sacchayi ki toh hamesha jeeth hi hothi hai.

Toh aadmi ki haalat uss hiran ki tarat hotha hai jispe sher ne gale pe waar kiya.
Aawaz hi nahi nikalthi hai.

I always liked this second kind of men who were brave. Aur mere jo svare
boyfriends the sab yeti catageory. Sabne laal wire kaati. No I am sanskari
only…..they were not. I am funny. Abhi bhi when some of u aren’t laughing doosri
aawaaz Bol rah hai ki ‘ they don’t have a sense of humour. But u are hilarious’ Some
times I get this eyes closed emoji also for effect.

I am funny. Thats y they never took me seriously.

I warned them that if they cheat on me I’ll leave them. And they did and I left.

I wish they were mature enuf and it would have spared some emotional scarring. Oh
not me… im talking about them.

You know, the name of this comedy set tonight I’m performing is named Karma is a
bitch. Well most of u might have already contemplated this but let me tell it again,
whoever said that was a man. Coz he knew what women are capable of.

Being a woman I can say it and its funny but don’t repeat it coz we women get
offended.

I’ll tell u the funniest part of the biggest tragedy of my life.

So women have this thing called 6th sense.

No no it’s very much true. You might not believe but it exists.

Dude I’m talking about 6th sense not common sense. We keep calling till the guy
answers his phone and then argue about it for another hr, however spoilt u are, we
still think ur friends would spoil u, we expect ur world to revolve around us and all
that is due to our lack of common sense not 6th sense.

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So I was dating this guy. And one day I had this feeling that he was cheating on me.
In the end I warned him that if he cheats on me I’ll leave him and I had to leave but
thats a different story.

One day my 6th sense told me he’s cheating on you.

You know 6th sense is like a roulette table. The wheel is like a woman’s mind. Har
baar kuch na kuch lagta rehta hai. But kabhi kabaar she gets the number she bets
on.

Can u guess where’s the man at this roulette table?

He’s the dealer. Use ke haath mein hotha hai ladki ka dimaag. Oops I forgot, Im a
feminist so I take that back. Also coz its inside info.

So agar dealer mein talent hai toh har baar he can dodge the number she bet on.
She bets on 19 and u show 20. U know unnees bees. She thinks ‘So close’ and he
thinks ‘ phew…..so close’. Yahan pe kaun kaun vegas gaya? I pity the rest. No not
women. Humien vegas ki kya zaroorat hai. We are happy anywhere. We clean a
table, we are happy. Sabzi mein namak theek se daala toh slot machine pe lottery
jeeth Jane ke barabar hai.

Aur yahan kaun kaun 6th sense ke chakkar mein pakda gaya?

Haan theek hai mat batao….the women in ur life must be watching. It’s ok I
understand. So if the woman is sitting beside u is looking at u right now…. It means
uska 6th sense on ho gaya…..bach ke rehna beta.

Toh aise hi lagi meri number ek baar.

Aur patha hai kyun?

He was being extra nice.

Once I asked him to cut his hair and he said my life my hair my wish.

And now I said ‘I don’t like ur tshirt’ and he goes and changes.

So I confronted him and he said my life my wish and we broke up.

Then I saw a pic of his after a month.

In Sri Lanka.

With her.

Wearing the tshirt I said no to.

And a bloody haircut.

That was an enlightening moment in my life. And u know what I decided.

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I want to be that girl.

So I started dating a committed man. Just to see if the grass is greener on the other
side. Toh mai aise hi churne nickel gayi.

I said to my new boyfriend : I would love to see you in a beard.

After a week, he shows up with a beard.

Also tells me that his gf doesn’t like it but he’s still keeping it.

Andar se woh doosri wali aawaaz aayi. Dekhaaaa…

And I was happy.

Doosri wali aawaaz boli : Haar ke jeethne wale ko hi baazigar kehte hai.

But the bitch is watching. And sometimes it feels like sanskaari hona extra burden
hai coz accha karo toh normal hai but burn karo toh I’m breaking karma’s
expectations. Kabhi kabhi toh lagta hai uska full concentration mujhpe hi hai.

Aise khush hui nahi ki uska call aaya. Aur isne uthaya.

That is when I realised ki bhai…..uska 6th sense activate hua.

And I started planning a holiday.

In Goa.

With him.

No shirt. Dude I’m sanskaari…..this is on the beach so it’s allowed.

And this thick beard.

You know on a roulette table, you can also bet on color?

Again red and black. Not related. Just saying.

So she warned him ki if you cheat on me I’ll leave you.

And then US.

But Adele coz he left me.

Uss din bas ek hi thought tha dimag mein….. why?

Then andar se woh teesri aawaz aayi : Karma is a bitch with no order of preference.