Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I made How this change

WP1 submission question I received to what I initially impacts my paper?

(from whom/where?) wrote

“Hong Kong people” Rachel: “This is a “the People of Hong It makes the
more idiomatic Kong” expression idiomatic
expression to use in and decent.
English the people of
___”

“are desperate for" Rachel: “are suffering from" It clarifies the meaning
“This phrase makes it of the sentence: people
seem like they want of Hong Kong are
this, is this what you actually suffering from
mean?” violence, not eager for
it.

“How Genres and I think the original title “Hong Kong Protest in The deletion of useless
Rhetorical Situations is too lengthy and Different Genres and words makes it clear
Contribute to the tedious. Readers might Rhetorical Situations” that the focus of this
Expression of have known idea what (Title) article is going to be
Different Opinions on the article is mainly genre and rhetorical
Hong Kong Protest” about after reading the situation,
(Title) title. understandable and
succinct.

“On the contrary" I think there is no “In fact" The replacement of the
contrast between the word makes the logic
former sentence and more fluent and
the following sentence. reasonable by
The following clarifying the
sentence is actually an relationship between
expanded explanation the two sentences.
for the previous short
sentence. Therefore,
it’s better to put “in
fact” here.

“some protesters come I think “Come up” “some protesters take The change in phrase
up in Hong Kong…” might not be the best to the street in Hong makes the action
phrase for here, Kong…” clearer.
whereas “take to”
would be clearer and
audience would better
visualize the scene.
“The language is quite I think the description The language is quite The additional
formal and the subject needs specific formal and the subject example makes the
is in the first person.” evidence from the is in the first person argument more
primary resources to such as “I sincerely credible and powerful.
make it more concrete appeal to you.” It also helps readers to
and tangible. see in what form the
use of formal tone and
first person comes out.

“Blog…is a form of Rachel changed it. “Blogs…are a form of The use of plural form
online journal…” online journal…” would be more
preferable
grammatically

“So how does the I think the previous “So what choices do The new sentence
rhetorical situation sentence does not the authors make?” connects perfectly with
influence choices that correspond well with the statement in the
the authors make?” the main focus of the previous sentence,
next paragraph, and it which is a quote from
is also a little bit Jessie Szalay: “your
sophisticate. rhetorical situation will
largely determine what
choices you make.” It
also serves as a good
transition to the next
paragraph by
introducing the main
focus of it.

“In a word, when I think the previous “In a word, Sample 3 The change fixes the
comparing Sample 3 sentence doesn’t make and 4, discussing the grammar mistake and
and 4, the same thing, sense grammatically. same topic that the makes the expression
the police suppressing The use of “thing” is police is suppressing clearer. And the
the protesters, has two also a little blurry. the protesters, have replacement of “thing”
opposite versions…” two opposite by “topic” also makes
versions…” the expression more
concrete.
 “People of Hong I think the last portion “People of Hong The elimination of
Kong…hoping the of the first half of the Kong…hoping the repetitive words makes
world listen to their sentence is a little world listen to their the sentence clearer yet
voice and learns what redundant considering voice, while blog users does not lose essential
they are suffering now, the fact that people’s compose…” ideas. Besides, the use
while blogs use…” suffering is just of “blog user” is
mentioned at the consistent with the use
beginning. Also, the of “people of Hong
use of blog does not KONG,” which are
correspond well with both human subjects.
the use of “Hong Kong
people at the beginning
fo the sentence.”

Text from my initial A comment or The change(s) I made How this change
WP3 submission question I received to what I initially impacts my paper?
(from whom/where?) wrote

“Indian” Rachel: “This is an “Incas” This makes my paper

outdated term.” avoid being offensive
Peer: “Not sure about and conform to the
coming in so strong culture that we no
with “Indians.” longer use this term.
“I hate my ‘Latin Rachel: “Lack of “History is too far This is an analytical
American History’ enthusiasm” and “I away from us.” essay that I should still
course.” think you need to add keep it academic. I
elements to still keep it change the hook into
focused and something relating to
academic.” “history” which is my
topic. So then it makes
the idea of the whole
passage more clear.
“Europeans were Rachel: “careful to not Deleted. This text easily gets
surprised” fall into perpetual euro- misunderstood by
centers outdated ideas.” others that “The native
people were primitive,”
so it’s better to be
deleted. As scholars, we
always try and adopt a
tone that takes into
account narrative’s that
were shaped by the
politics of history.
“Learning from the Rachel: “Why not "Learning from the Avoid the random
Incas, we could live in connect this back to Incas, today farmers interject of the topic of
a cool house without an fridges and food?” store their crops in a sustainability but create
air conditioner.” shady and cool a smooth transition
basement to keep them between the fridge and
fresh for a long time. the AC.
Even more, in the
future, we might live in
a cool house without an
air conditioner using
this technique.”
"I believe as long as the Rachel: “OK, why?” It’s challenging to The thesis statement is a
writing is based on deliver the message to little bit abrupt. I add
children’s the new audience, who some difficulties of
characteristics, the has a great disparity of translating prior to the
translation will be comprehensive ability thesis and the
successful holding the and knowledge reserve techniques I used in the
intention even in with that of the primary following analysis to
subjects like history source. However, I make it successful,
that seems hard to believe as long as the which explains “why” I
grasp by children.” writing is based on think so. This change
children’s makes my thesis more
characteristics, the reasonable.
translation will be
successful holding the
intention even in
subjects like history
that seems hard to
grasp by children. In
the following I
elaborate on how I use
imagination to
overcome children's
fear or indifference
toward history, use
appropriate rhetorical
appeals from an angle
of a child, and convey
educational meaning to
my audience.
“Just as a tangent Rachel: “not ideal to Move it into the It’s abrupt to begin a
touches a circle begin a paragraph with conclusion paragraph: paragraph with a quote,
fleetingly and at only a a quote.” “Overall, a successful and I think this quote
single point…” in the translation in children’s has loose connection
beginning of a books can’t do without with the following
paragraph adjusting to the sentence but more
characteristics of the appropriate ate to be as
intended audience and a conclusion. This
upholding the intention change makes my
of the primary text. conclusion stronger.
“Just as a tangent
touches a circle
fleetingly and at only a
single point…”
"Come on! Let’s take I think the original text “Come on! Let’s take I change the vague time
the time machine back is not specific enough. the time machine back into a specific “five
to Incas time and find to five hundred years hundred years ago” to
out what’s going on.” ago and find out what’s add more details, which
going on.” makes my article more
informative and
convincing.
"For this project, I I think it should be “This is more impactful Bringing it forward into
decide to translate a moved into the first on children who absorb the introduction part
reading, “Lessons in paragraph. the abstract more ensures to clarify to my
Sustainability from the difficultly. For this audience the reason
Inca Empire”… in the project, I decided to why I’m doing this
second paragraph translate a reading…” translation, which is an
in the first paragraph important intention of
this article for the
audience to know.
“These original words I think I shouldn’t "My intended audience I change my way of
that have been replaced focus on “unnecessary” is children who are in communicating the idea
are academic for children to know the grade of one or two, of using simple words
terminology for this which looks like who just get an entry- for children into a more
topic, which are ignoring the terms. level understanding the convincing reasoning
unnecessary for abstract facts and easily by stressing on the
children to memorize. I lost attention, so I characteristics of my
translate them into their believe excessive terms audience. This more
upper concept, the and details will not conforms with the genre
modern version, that catch my audience, but conventions of
can be better instead distract them.” children’s books.
understood by the
children.”
“Indians must be tired Rachel: “Maybe not in Deleted. The original text
of eating potatoes for good taste.” doesn’t make much
their whole life. Well, sense so I choose to
you must miss the meal delete it.
cooked by your mom.”