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Revision Matrix

Text from my initial WP submission: (Note A comment or The change(s) I made to what I initially wrote: How this change
which WP) question I impacts my paper:
received (from
whom/where?)

Writing Project 1 (WP1) Bocchino: try to Key Components of a Flyer This title tells the topic
think of a title of my essay and helps
for your WP to attract readers.

Most of the flyers are about half-page Ruby: there Although using flyers is a good way to promote I added more
long. The size of the paper largely reduced the program, creating flyers still costs money. Thus, information in this
the amount of information that can be most creators print half-page long, sometimes even paragraph to show the
included on the flyer. Moreover, these flyers smaller flyers to reduce the cost. The size of the paper constraints and their
are usually not colorful. Some of the flyers largely reduces the amount of information included on consequences. I also
are even printed grayscale. To make the the flyer, which requires the authors to introduce the removed the passive
flyers more interesting, companies have to information clearly and concisely. Moreover, these voice when I said
put more effort into changing the font, flyers are usually not colorful. Most of the flyers are “flyers are printed
sentence structures, and layouts. (WP1) printed black and white. To make the flyers more grayscale.” I changed
appealing, companies have to put more effort into the word “interesting”
changing the font, sentence structures, and layouts. to “appealing” because
this is more suitable in
this sentence.

The flyers not only have similar Ruby: I can add
contents, but also uses similar dictions and more
tones. Most flyers use informal language information
without slang or jargon because the audience here.
usually have different backgrounds. These
In addition, flyers also have similar dictions I added information
and tones. Most flyers use informal language without about the function of
slang or jargon. For instance, in the gardening service flyers and how it relates
flyer, the author uses simple sentences like “we make to the genre
your house more beautiful.” Since the function of the conventions. I also

flyers uses daily languages to avoid
explaining the terms that takes up more
space. (WP1)
Besides ethos, the flyers also have a
similar format and sentence structures. For
instance, instead of having long, boring
paragraphs, the author uses big headings,
short phrases, and some pictures to show the
key points and to make it easy to read.
Moreover, the color of the text is usually in
contrast to the background colors. These
features make the important text stands out.
The flyers also have short, simple sentence
structures. Some of them, such as the
gardening flyer and the “travel with purpose”
flyer, also used bullet-points, lists, and
pictures. Using these types of sentence
structures makes the flyers more interesting,
and it helps to attract the audience at the first
look. (WP1)
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flyers is to deliver the information quickly, using added examples to
simple words increases the readability of the text and support my idea.
avoids misunderstanding. Hence, using simple
language helps to provide information accurately.
Ruby: I can Besides content, flyers also have a similar I included specific
explain this with format. For instance, instead of having long, boring examples from the
more detail paragraphs, the authors usually use big headings, short flyers I found to support
phrases, and pictures to show the key points and to my ideas.
attract customers. For instance, in the gardening
service flyer, the author bolded and capitalized the title
and the headings when introducing the service he
provides. By bolding and capitalizing headings, the
author is able to organize the information and highlight
the main points. The author also listed the service
provided using short phrases and bullet points. Using
short phrases helps deliver the message without boring
the audience. Moreover, many authors chose to include
pictures in their flyers. For example, in the “travel with
purpose” flyer, the author includes lots of photos of the
different activities that students enjoyed. This makes
the flyer more interesting, and it helps to attract the
audience. Sometimes, images are more powerful than
words. People’s attention is more likely to be attracted
by visuals than plain words. Thus, including relevant
pictures is always a good idea to appeal to the
audience. In short, using headings, short phrases, and
images helps to send the message, make the important
text stands out, and attract the audience at the first
look.

As mentioned, these flyers have a lot
in common. First, they all utilized ethos to
build their credibility. To make the
organization more trustworthy, most authors
will put their information on the flyers. For
example, on the “travel with purpose” flyer,
the author writes the name of their
organization, “givevolunteers.org”. This
shows that the creators of this program is a
trustworthy organization, and it makes the
audience more likely to believe that this
program is well established. Similar
information is also found in the other three
flyers: “UCSB Undergraduate Accounting
Society” on the “meet the firms” flyer,
“SS805” on the dance audition flyer, and
“Gomez Gardening Services” on the
gardening flyer. This shows that appealing to
credibility is a very commonly used strategy
when creating flyers.
…...
In addition, these flyers also have
some similar content. To make the flyers less
boring, there are usually very little text on a
flyer. However, no matter how little text a
flyer has, there is always some information
that needs to be included on a flyer, for
example, the contact information. Contact
information is included on most of the flyers
in various ways: phone numbers, addresses,
and emails. Giving contact information is
also a good way to establish credibility.
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Ruby: Leaving By examining the similarities, we can see how This change
the name of the the authors have applied the genre conventions to their reorganized my ideas
organization and flyers to achieve the purpose of promoting events. by putting related
address are both First, the flyers all include similar content in their text. information together
contents of a The content usually consists of a title, a brief and demonstrates the
flyer. I can put description of the event or service, and the company or genre convention of
them together to organization’s contact information. Titles are flyers in a more
make my essay important because a compelling title tells the audience reasonable way. I also
more organized. the topic of the flyer. For example, the gardening added more information
service flyer titled their flyer “Gomez Gardening about the contents of a
Service.” This is a short, simple title that tells the flyer, such as titles and
audience the service they provide and the name of the descriptions, and talked
provider. By looking at the title, people can determine about them in detail.
whether they are interested in the service or not
quickly. The title serves as the very first step to attract
potential customers that are interested in this service
and filter out those who are not interested. It helps the
organization promote the service to people who need
it.
Another critical content to include is a brief
description of the service or event. The description
does not have to be lengthy, but it should be concise
and attractive. In the gardening service flyer, the
author listed the service he provides, such as “palm
tree trimming,” “sprinklers,” and “clean up yards and
hills,” and bolded the words “Free Estimates.” Listing
is more effective than writing long paragraphs when it
comes to promoting something in a short time. Writing
long paragraphs might bore the audience and lose their
attention while listing increases the readability of the
text and emphasizes essential ideas to the audience. By
showing the services provided, people can have a clear

People are more confident about an event or
service if they are able to contact someone
directly. Having contact information also
ensures that people who need additional
information about the event can access the
information quickly. Other important
information on a flyer includes the address
and time of the event or the price for services.
This basic information ensures that the
information is communicated accurately.
(WP1)
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understanding of what the company does. Bolding the
word “free estimate” also makes the words stand out. It
tells the audience that asking for an estimate is free,
which encourages the audience to ask for more
information. All of the above helps to grab the
attention of people in need. Hence, writing a concise
but attractive description provides the audience
information without losing their focus.
Besides title and description, leaving contact
information is also crucial. Providing contact
information also allows the audience to contact the
organization for further information. On the “Gomez
Gardening Services” flyer, the author leaves his full
name and phone number at the bottom of the page.
Providing contact information shows that the service
provider is reachable and allows people who are
interested in the service to contact him directly through
phone calls. Sometimes, including contact information
even helps organizations build their credibility by
utilizing ethos. For example, on the “travel with
purpose” flyer, the author writes the organization’s
website, “givevolunteers.org.” By leaving the link to
their website, the creators of the program show that the
organization is trustworthy, and it makes the audience
more likely to believe that this program is well
established. People who want to learn more about this
program can also find more information through their
website. The above contents are vital because they help
provide essential information to the audience in a
concise way.
 5

When creating a flyer, there are lots of Maddie: When creating a flyer, there are lots of different I replaced “samples”
different samples that people can use. (WP1) “sample” is not templates that people can use. with “templates”
the best word because “templates” is
here, try to more suitable in this
replace it with sentence.
another word

By using effective rhetoric, well-organized Maddie (CLAS): However, when taking a closer look, these flyers all This thesis answers the
layout, format, and sentence structures, mention “genre have something in common. They contain similar prompt more directly. I
selected contents, dictions, and tones, and conventions” in content, employ concise formats, use proper tone and also changed the text in
getting around with the constraints, these your thesis diction, and work within the constraints. By applying the thesis because I
flyers are able to attract people’s eyes and these genre conventions, the creators of the flyers are changed the
spread the information effectively. (WP1) able to attract people’s eye and spread information information in my
effectively. essay. I fixed problems
with word choice and
grammar.

Overall, the reason that these flyers Bocchino: You To sum up, a successful flyer should contain I changed the
are successful is that these flyers include can talk about important content, use concise format, utilize proper conclusion according to
effective rhetoric, well-organized layout, the relationship diction and tone, and work within the constraints. the changes I made in
format, and sentence structures, selected between the Flyers are created this way to achieve their purpose of my essay. I also talked
contents, dictions, and tones, and get around function of a promoting an event and to realize their function of about how the function
with the constraints. They are created this flyer and how it delivering the message effectively. By following the and purpose related to
way to attract people’s eyes and to spread the is created in genre conventions, the authors can reduce the cost, the genre conventions
information accurately. If companies follow your conclusion attract people’s attention, and spread the information of flyers.
the genre conventions mentioned above, their accurately.
flyers will be way more attractive than others.
(WP1)

Writing Project 2 (WP2) Bocchino: try to Studying Whales from Two Disciplines This title tells the topic
think of a title of my essay and helps
for your WP to attract readers.
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They study whales through different
approaches, use different methods, include
different contents, and use different dicton.
(WP2)
Bocchino: this is Although researching the same topic, economics and This thesis states my
a roadmap, not a biologists take different approaches when studying argument and tells the
thesis whales. While economists study the potential growth reader what the paper is
of the economy on whale watching by using data, about.
doing calculations, and using everyday language,
biologists focus on the changes in ecology when large
whales are hunted through doing experiments, using
complex words, and addressing the factors that were
considered in the experiment.

This shows that the target audience for Ruby: It maybe Using these terminologies shows that the target I made the subject clear
biologists’ article is people have previous unclear who or audience for biologists’ article is people have previous by replacing “this” with
knowledge about this discipline. (WP2) what “this” knowledge about this discipline. the idea I talked about
refers to. before.

Since the researching process is hard to Ruby: There are Since the researching process is hard to understand and I fixed several grammar
understand and the articles involves a few grammar the article involves information that is not commonly errors in this sentence. I
information that is not commonly known, errors in these known, biologists use first-person to make the ​piece removed the “s” in
biologists use first-person to make the article sentences. easy to follow. On the other hand, economists avoid articles because the
easy to follow. On the other hand, economists using first-person​.​ ​I​nstead, they use third-person to subject and verb doesn’t
avoid using first-person, instead, they use sound more professional. match. I also fixed a
third-person to sound more professional. punctuation error. I
(WP2) replaced article with
piece because the word
“article”is repeated in
this sentence.

Other than using different methods, the two Bocchino: talk Other than using different methods, the two disciplines I added information
disciplines also include different contents in more about the also include different contents in their articles. In about the contents in
their articles. In Cisneros-Montemayor’s contents in Cisneros-Montemayor’s article, the researcher the economist's article.
article, the researcher introduced the topic economist’s introduced the topic and the methods they used in the I also replaced a few
and the methods they used. Then, they article first place. Introducing the topic gives the readers the repeated words and

presented a series of graphs and calculations.
Lastly, they discussed the results and
summarized their findings. By including
these contents, economists showed their
researching process clearly and logically.
Similarly, biologists started their article by
introducing the topic and their research
methods. They then discussed the results and
made their conclusions. However, when
discussing the results, biologists included a
list of things that they took into consideration
when doing the research. For example, they
included a section that says “Accounting
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uncertainty in gametic phase”. Including this
content makes their research sound more
accurate, and it helps them persuade the
audience that they are trustworthy. Thus, the
two disciplines include mostly the same
contents, but biologists include a list of
clarifications when discussing the results.
(WP2)
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Kristen C. Ruegg et al., “Are Antarctic Minke Whale,” 287.
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Cisneros-Montemayor, “The Global Potential,” 1273-1277.
3
Kristen C. Ruegg et al., “Are Antarctic Minke Whale,” 287.
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background information, and it helps the researchers to added footnotes when
move onto their research question. Then, they summarizing the
presented a series of graphs and calculations. The contents in economist’s
chart​s and calculations show the audience their results article.
and build​s​ their credibility. Lastly, they discussed the
results and summarized their findings, which leads to
2
their conclusion. By including these contents,
economists showed their researching process clearly
and logically.
Similarly, biologists started their article by
introducing the topic and their research methods. By
showing that they collected the samples from a
Japanese meat market, the researchers showed that
their research is unbiased. They then discussed the
results and made their conclusions. However, when
talk​ing ​about ​the results, biologists introduced
something that economists didn’t include: a list of
things that they took into consideration when doing the
research. For example, they ​add​ed a section that says​,
3
“Accounting uncertainty in gametic phase.” Including
this content makes their research sound more accurate,
and it helps them persuade the audience that they are
trustworthy. Thus, the two disciplines include mostly
the same contents, but biologists include a list of
clarifications when discussing the results.
 8

The contents in the article include Ruby: The contents in the article include an I added some articles to
introduction, the methods they use, graphs mechanical introduction, the methods they use, graphs and fix the mechanical
and calculations, and discussion about their errors calculations, and a discussion about their findings. error.
findings. (WP2)

Besides the contents that are included Ruby: using Besides the contents in the economists’ article, I removed the
in the economists’ article, biologists also passive voice biologists also include a series of factors that they took unnecessary passive
include a series of factors that they took into into consideration when doing the research. voice.
consideration when doing the research.
(WP2)