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How To Talk On An
Emotional Level
in Social Skills / by Julian Reisinger

WHO WE
ARE
Hi, we are
Julian and
Kristina, the
founder
couple behind
Have you ever experienced a conversation with
Love Life
someone and you didn’t know how to get to a Solved.
deeper emotional level? I for my part dislike small
We help good
talk. I just find it boring. “How is the weather in guys become
Tampa? Is this heat wave still going on?” Even successful
with the
writing it seems to make some grey cells want to
women they
commit suicide. But for the better part of my life, I like – without
had no idea how to navigate around the acting like
someone they
seemingly unavoidable small talk and how to talk
are not.
on an emotional level.

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the university campus. MORE

“How was your exam?” she – an acquaintance

who I met at the exam – asked after we were
done. Here we go again. A new round of mind-
POPULAR
numbingly polite small talk followed by some POSTS
awkward silence. “Not this time,” I swore myself. I How
needed to find a way to get to a deeper, more to Tell
Your
emotional level, but how in the world could a guy Best
Friend
whose favourite words are ‘effectivity’ and You’re
In
‘strategy’ do that? Well, strategically. Love
With
Her
The 3 Step Rule By
Kristina
Kirilova
First, I needed a transition from small talk into
How
more emotional subjects. To
Know
If a
It’s self-evident that you can’t continue a Girl
conversation that started with “How was your Likes
You
exam?” with “Great! Now tell me about your By
Sibell
Loitz
deepest desires.”
8 Ways
So I decided to give what I call the 3 Step Rule a Manipulative
Women Can
try. Ruin Your
Life Without
You Noticing
Step 1: Talk on the same level of emotion your By Julian
Reisinger
conversational partner is on.
Step 2: Show vulnerability by opening up first Quick
Trick:
in order to make the other person feel safe. How To
Make
Step 3: Gradually introduce more emotion. Her
Addicted
To
Here is how I continued the conversation: Chatting
With You
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By Julian
Join our exam
“The all-newwent
coaching program
great! I think with Kristinabe
it’s gonna and
anJulian
A. I • Limited early bird spots available!
Reisinger
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am so relieved it’s over now. All that studying Never
Run Out
made me almost go crazy and I am so happy to Of
be talking to real people again.” Things
To Say
Again
Let’s rip my answer into pieces and take a closer When
Talking
look at the remains: To
Women
By Julian
“The exam went great! I think it’s gonna be an Reisinger
A.” – I answer the question and stay on a
rational level. One foot in front of the other.

“I am so relieved it’s over now.” – I cautiously FOLLOW US

ON
introduce some emotion. INSTAGRAM
“All that studying made me almost go crazy
and I am so happy to be talking to real people
again.” – By showing vulnerability I give her
permission to open up as well.

F O L LO W
Not a perfect answer, but definitely good enough. US ON
I N S TA G R A M

Now it was her turn. I did my part and gave her

the opportunity to talk on an emotional level with
me. Here is what she threw back at me:

“I feel exactly the same way! At one point I was

so fed up with studying that I put my books aside
for a day, called some friends, and went on a
binge drinking spree. Not a good idea!”

Bingo! Now I was in the perfect spot to take the

conversation in any direction I wanted. Here are
some possible options:

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studying. Are you a party girl?” – flirting for
beginners.

“We should celebrate!” – to get shitfaced.

“It’s crazy how after all the pressure is gone

you kind of start to miss the studying.” – more
of the same.

“Are you gonna write any other exams this

week?” – small talk.

“I once went to an exam directly after going

out and aced it.” She: “Really?” I: “No, I failed
miserably and puked on the school toilet.” – to
make her laugh. (or find out she has not sense
of humor whatsoever)

We talked for a long time and decided to do more

exams together in the future. It was a
breakthrough for me. But the story didn’t end
there; I knew I was lucky that my friend was
receptive to taking the conversation to a deeper
level, but of course not everyone would
immediately open up like that.

Let’s find out why and what you can do about it.

The right situation

Not every situation is suitable for talking about
emotional topics. When you meet someone in a
parking lot with grocery bags in their hands, you
probably will do better with, “Hey, how is it going?

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you!” than with a spirited debate about sexual
desires.

What is the perfect situation?

You have privacy.

You sit in an angle to each other or next to

each other (like birds on a wire).

You are involved in an activity that doesn’t

demand any attention. (drinking, smoking,
walking, throwing a baseball,…)

Both of you aren’t stressed and have enough

time.

Both of you aren’t distracted by other thoughts

or emotions.

The right person

In my experienced, the vast majority of people
want to talk about deeper topics than traffic jams
or weather conditions. (given the right situation)
However, occasionally you will come across more
challenging types. But don’t worry, there are ways
to get through to the ‘less emotionally
expressive.’

The buttoned-up type

Some people just can’t open up unless they are
drunk, or stoned, or both. That’s fine. I have
friends who are like that and I always use the
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right. You can’t push anyone to talk about their
feelings.

How do you know someone is not receptive? I’ll

take my example about the exam to illustrate it.

I: “The exam went great! I think it’s gonna be an

A. I am so relieved it’s over now. All that studying
made me almost go crazy and I am so happy to
be talking to real people again.”

Them:

“I think I’m gonna get a B or C.”

“Have you seen Tanja lately?”

“Damn, it’s so hot today! I should have left my

jacket at home.”

So if the other person changes the topic or

obviously tries to stay in the small talk zone, you
should stop pushing. They are signaling an
unwillingness to go deeper.

You can’t force anyone to open up. You have

got to wait for the right circumstances or
create the right circumstances.

The suspicious type

Other people do want to talk about things that
move them, but need a little more trust than
others. All you have to do in that case is make

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secrets are safe with you.

I: “The exam went great! I think it’s gonna be an

A. I am so relieved it’s over now. All that studying
made me almost go crazy and I am so happy to
be talking to real people again.”

Them: “I know the feeling. It happens to me

also.”

In this example, your conversational partner

opens up a little and shows receptiveness. But
not much yet. All you need to do is show more
vulnerability so your conversational partner can
feel secure about talking openly.

A sentence that can work wonders in such

situations is: “Tell me more about it.” It gives the
other person permission to talk, shows you are
interested, and in case the other person is just a
little opposed to opening up, it causes a
slight push. Most people wouldn’t say “I don’t

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hints that they feel likewise.

Having an emotional opinion

“What do you think about euthanasia?” You
probably won’t have much of an opinion about
questions like this unless you have concerned
yourself with the topic before.

In school, and especially later in college and

university, you learn to have an opinion on topics
ranging from abortion to the war on drugs. But
who ever taught you about emotional opinions?

The whole process is laughably simple.

Whenever something noteworthy happens in your
life, ask yourself: “How do I feel about this?”

Let’s practice with some examples:

Friends meet and don’t invite you: “I feel

excluded and sad because it seems they don’t
enjoy hanging out with me anymore.”

You start a new job: “I feel excited because

this job poses new opportunities to my career,
but I am also nervous because I feel like I
have to prove myself.”

You just graduated from university: “I feel

incredibly happy and proud but the feelings
are bittersweet because I still have no idea
what I want to do next.”

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people. When someone tells you: “I’ve been
thinking about moving to Germany”, they don’t
want you to suggest cities with low crime rates
and good health care. They want to tell you about
their inner fights and why they feel they have to
go.

People are constantly crying out for attention to

their feelings but seldom someone listens. Those
who do are rewarded with lifelong friendships,
exciting romances, and happy relationships.

I think you are now well equipped to take future

conversations from boring small talk to
relationship building exchange of feelings. Just
know that even though going deeper can often be
more interesting and beneficial, there is nothing
wrong with some mindless chatter or flirtatious
joking. Every form of communication has its place
and time.

Have fun practicing!

Take care,

Julian

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