The topic:
Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising
and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
When buying products, the human being’s choice is more prone to be affected
by the advertisement. In my opinion, the real needs should be considered as a
priority.
It is true that the advertisement is playing an increasing role in people’s
shopping habits. Since we are surrounded by them, as which are often
common to be seen on the internet, TV, newspapers and so on, it is not an
easy thing to get rid of their influence. Secondly, the consumer know very little
about the products, then the advertisement can provide them with more
information. Thirdly, we often decide to buy some certain brand of products just
because the famous person we admire is their spokesman. Finally, the energy
of the advertisement can be reflected in their cost. For example, an
advertisement in less than one minute can cost millions of dollars in “Super
Bowl”.
On the other hand, I do believe we should go shopping according to our
Commented [AB1]: ‘a’ – you are speaking generally.
Commented [AB2]: ‘be prone to something’ – this
phrase is used with negative ideas:
likely to suffer from an illness or show a particular negative
characteristic:
I've always been prone to headaches.
He was prone to depression even as a teenager.
She's prone to exaggerate, that's for sure.
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/pron
e
Commented [AB3]: This needs to be more general sounding
– at the moment it is sounds unnatural.
Commented [AB4]: This sounds like just one – you mean
advertising.
Commented [AB5]: ‘humans can be affected by
advertising’.
Commented [AB6]: This is not clear in itself – you mean
that ‘the real needs of people should be considered’.
Commented [AB7]: ‘advertising’
Commented [AB8]: These are not really connected -
‘Since we are surrounded by them, as which …..’ –
‘We are surrounded them and they are often…..’; ‘Since we are
...
Commented [AB9]: This sentence is too complex –
‘Since we are surrounded by them, as which are often and
...
Commented [AB10]: ‘knows’ (the customer).
Commented [AB11]: These two sentences need to be
connected better to the topic sentence – ‘Advertising
...
Commented [AB12]: To connect this with the topic
sentence you could say –‘one final reason is
...
Commented [AB13]: These two words have the same meaning
– use one.
Commented [AB14]: ‘a certain brand’; ‘certain
brands’.
Commented [AB15]: ‘a’ – there are many. She is just
one.
Commented [AB16]: Not sure what you mean here –
‘power’?
Commented [AB17]: ‘but can’
 Commented [AB18]: ‘which are shown’
individual needs. The goods occurred in the advertisements do not always suit

everyone. Taking the PC and Mac computer for example, Mac is more suitable

for those who are engaged in designing or movie editing because of its

excellent display screen, while PC meets the engineers’ needs better as its

compatibility in some software. Apart from that, if we do not do enough

Commented [AB19]: Not sure what you mean here – ‘not

homework, buying goods following the advertisements is just a waste of do enough homework on the best product,…….’

money.

In conclusion, before making a decision on buying goods, we should really put

Commented [AB20]: ‘ignore the influence/ power of

aside the interruption of advertisements; take the item in need. advertisements’

Comments:

IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score

Task Fulfilment Addresses most parts of the

task although some parts may 6.0
be more fully covered than
others. The arguments you
make seem unclear at times.
You need to make one clear
point; support this point with
more information and give an
example and a concluding
sentence. There needs to be
clear first sentence in each
paragraph.
Cohesion and Coherence Uses a range of cohesive

Lexical resource
Grammatical Range
and accuracy
This is a 6.0. You use very good vocabulary and grammar but the topic sentences are
sometimes unclear and some of the vocabulary is not always relevant to the topic.
devices appropriately. Good 6.0
cohesion in your essay but
some ideas are not always
clearly indicated for example
the use of linking words like
‘firstly; secondly; thirdly’ are
not enough if they do not seem
related to your topic sentence
(paragraph 2).
Uses a sufficient range of
vocabulary to allow some 6.0 +
flexibility and precision. Uses
less common lexical items with
some awareness of style and
collocation. Some very good
collocations like: ‘brand of
products;’ ‘surrounded by’; ‘get
rid of’ – but some words used
less appropriately – ‘prone to’;
‘advertisement’ and ‘occurred’.
Uses a variety of complex
structures. Makes some errors
in grammar and they tend to
occur mid-sentence in longer, 6.5
more complex sentences.
These can affect the meaning.