HL essay example A: examiner‘s comments coversheet

HL Essay examiner’s comments coversheet

English A: literature
Example A: Identity–non-fiction

Criterion A Markband: 4
Examiner’s comments:
Knowledge of a work is revealed by the use of detailed textual support. Here, the candidate has chosen
appropriate and relevant examples, ranging quite widely throughout the work. The precise ways in which
they support the argument and underpin the developing thesis is not always very clear: the discussion of
the first quotation, centred on the words “really” and “religious” has a focus on Marjane’s uncertainty about
her faith but is followed by a rather vague and unexplored comment about her “modern” family which is
not developed. A similar thing happens in the section on the revolution, which is called “unexpected” and
Marjane’s “unawareness” of it is noted but not explained.
It may be that the topic would have benefited from further definition. Exploring the ways in which the hijab
is used to represent Marjane’s changing personality seems rather a lot to take on in 1500 words if there is to
be a good and detailed literary discussion. An interpretation is offered – Marjane moves from some
ambivalent attitudes to the hijab in childhood through a rejection of it to, finally, choosing to wear the hijab
and return to Iran. Her ultimate departure to France is not considered. Knowledge is quite good and the
interpretation is sustained.

Criterion B Markband: 3
Examiner’s comments:
This criterion assesses the extent to which the writer’s choices are appreciated. The written conventions of
the genre of the chosen work should be not simply identified but their use and the effects produced
analysed and evaluated. Here, the candidate selects some of the writer’s graphic choices: the most detailed
section is that on the panels taken from pages 75 and 95, but even here, the candidate’s use of the slightly
imprecise “frowned smiles” and on the imperative “had” do not probe the writing very deeply. The
presentation of the Guardians of the Revolution as “tall” and overshadowing… looking down” on Marjane
and choices of diction in the reference to “little whore” are similar examples of comments which tend
slightly towards the descriptive and broad. To show insight the candidate needs to provide some more
detailed exploration of a particular frame, the devices used in it and the effects created.

Criterion C Markband: 4
Examiner’s comments:
The essay has a clear structure: the introduction and the conclusion are connected and the body
paragraphs all feature a relevant idea and show how it contributes to the argument. Supporting examples
are embedded neatly in the candidate’s own sentences. Paragraph transitions are methodical. This essay,
at 1528 words, runs over the 1500 maximum word limit: the examiner is instructed to stop reading at 1500
words. In this case, we stop reading at “Life poses many changes for young Marjane” and so not much at all
is lost – the remaining part of the essay makes little contribution to the thesis or to the essay’s structure.
The line of enquiry is adequately developed.

Language A: literature assessed student work 1

 HL essay example A: examiner‘s comments coversheet

Criterion D Markband: 4
Examiner’s comments:
The writing is clear and controlled, with secure use of some sophisticated structures. Diction is a little
imprecise at times - it is not clear that the revolution was “unexpected” and the author was hardly
“unaware” of it. Some informality (“morphing”) and some probably careless errors of omission and in
punctuation are also evident. Appropriate terminology related to the work’s genre is scantly used. The
wordiness of the essay has already been noted. This candidate has a rather verbose style and, given the
lack of detail in the analysis and discussion, would have done well to pay attention to cutting out
unnecessary words and thus releasing scope within the word limit for more probing comment.

General commentary
This is quite a competent essay but the choice of topic invites rather a broad-brush
approach. The candidate’s slightly verbose written style exacerbates the problem.

Language A: literature assessed student work 2