BIBLICAL THEOLOGY OF

CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS

PROF. JOHN BROWN OKWII,Ph.D.

Director, SIFAT Africa.
President ,LAWNA Theological Seminary Jos, Nigeria
Trustee and Founder, Center for Peace Advancement in Nigeria (CEPAN), Jos, Nigeria
(an organization that has won awards even from the United Nations, Netherlands, Canada ,UK and US Governments).
Jovines2000@yahoo.com,jbrown22@gonzaga.edu,sifatafrica1@yahoo.com
+234-703-983-9026 ; +234-708-786-1564 SIFAT GLOBAL LEADERS CLASS 2008. LINEVILLE,
ALABAMA, USA.
 A BIBLICAL APPROACH TO
CONFLICT RESOLUTIONS
There are quite a number of constructs or methodologies I use when teaching conflict resolutions, peace studies,
and conflict management studies which range from requirements for the undergraduate degrees to graduate and post
graduate degrees. When teaching military science, the requirements are very different depending on the philosophy and the
arm of the armed forces of a given nation .Again, procedures for resolving inter-tribal wars, civil wars, disaster and relief
issues, regional and international disputes are very complicated and demand more time than the available time allotted for
this class. Since many of us here are of the Christian faith and leaders of organizations which are Christian related, I have
decided to follow the very familiar terrain so that our vocabularies will be quite conventional. I am your server. I am very
much available. In this class, our guiding philosophy is “I am because, we are”-J. S. Mbiti. The approach in the class is very
much participatory. I have many questions to provoke our thinking. Get ready!

FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES

The Bible provides us with a simple yet powerful system for resolving conflict. These principles are so simple that
they can be used to resolve the most basic conflicts of daily life. But they are so powerful that they have been used to
mediate and arbitrate bitter divorce and child custody actions, embezzlement situations, church divisions, multi-million
dollar/Shillings business disputes, malpractice lawsuits, and terrible sexual abuse cases.

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 To gain a basic understanding of this system for biblical peacemaking, I invite you to study the foundational
principles that are briefly discussed in the topics below.
• Getting to the Heart of Conflict - Conflict starts in the heart. Therefore, if we fail to address the heart in a conflict,
then any solution will fall short of true reconciliation.
• The Four G's - The biblical system for resolving conflict is captured by "The Four G's": Glorify God, Get the log out
of your own eye, Gently Restore, and Go and be reconciled.
• The Slippery Slope - A visual tool for understanding the ways people tend to and ought to respond to conflict.
• The Seven A's of Confession - A guide to making a sincere and complete confession.
• The PAUSE Principle - A biblical approach to negotiation.
• The Four Promises of Forgiveness - A great way to remember what you are really saying (and committing to) when
you say "I forgive you."
• My Pledge- Complete summary of biblical peacemaking, suitable for churches or organizations to commit to
together.
• Relational Commitments - A way for a church to make a mutual commitment to work together to pursue unity,
maintain friendships, preserve marriages, and build relationships that reflect the love of Christ.

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 GETTING TO THE HEART OF CONFLICT
Wouldn't it be wonderful if people could simply renounce their bad habits and decide to respond to conflict in a
gracious and constructive way? But it is not that easy. In order to break free from the pattern they have fallen into, they need
to understand why they react to conflict the way they do.
Jesus provides us with clear guidance on this issue. During His earthly ministry, a young man approached the Lord and
asked Him to settle an inheritance dispute with his brother. "Jesus replied, 'Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter
between you?' Then he said to them, 'Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in
the abundance of his possessions'" (Luke 12:13-15).This passage reveals a common human pattern. When faced with
conflict, we tend to focus passionately on what our opponent has done wrong or should do to make things right. In contrast,
God always calls us to focus on what is going on in our own hearts when we are at odds with others. Why? Because our
heart is the wellspring of all our thoughts, words, and actions, and therefore the source of our conflicts. "For out of the heart
come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:19).
The heart's central role in conflict is vividly described in James 4:1-3. If you understand this passage, you will have
found a key to preventing and resolving conflict.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want
something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have,
because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend
what you get on your pleasures.

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 This passage describes the root cause of destructive conflict: Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our hearts. When we
feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone
fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when
desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way. Let us look at this progression one step at a
time.
The Progression of an Idol1
I Desire
Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. Some desires are inherently wrong, such as vengeance, lust, or greed.
But many desires are not wrong in and of themselves. For example, there is nothing innately wrong about desiring things
like peace and quiet time, a clean home, a new computer, professional success, an intimate relationship with your spouse, a
life partner, or respectful children.
If a good desire, such as wanting an intimate relationship with your spouse, is not being met, it is perfectly legitimate to
talk about it with your spouse. As you talk, you may discover ways that both of you can help to fulfill each other in mutually
beneficial ways. If not, it may be appropriate to seek help from your pastor or a Christian counselor who can assist you in
understanding your differences and strengthening your marriage.
But what if your spouse persistently fails to meet a particular desire and is unwilling to discuss it further with you or
anyone else? This is where you stand at a crossroad. On the one hand, you can trust God and seek your fulfillment in Him
(Psalm 73:25). You can ask Him to help you to continue to grow and mature no matter what your spouse does (James 1:2-4).
And you can continue to love your spouse and pray for God's sanctifying work in his or her life (1 John 4:19-21; Luke 6:27-
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28). If you follow this course, God promises to bless you and use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of
Christ (Romans 8:28-29).
On the other hand, you can dwell on your disappointment and allow it to control your life. At the very least, this will
result in self-pity and bitterness toward your spouse. At worst, it can destroy your marriage. Let us look at how this
downward spiral evolves.
I Demand
Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts. This is especially true when
we come to see a desire as something we need or deserve, and therefore must have in order to be happy or fulfilled. There
are many ways to justify or legitimize a desire.
• "I work hard all week. Don't I deserve a little peace and quiet moments when I come home?"
• "I worked two jobs to put you through school; I deserve your respect and appreciation."
• "I spend hours managing the family budget; I really need a new computer."
• "The Bible says we should save up to cover unexpected problems; we need to tighten our budget so we can put more
into savings."
• "God has given me a gift for developing new businesses, and He calls me to work hard to support our family. I
deserve to have more of your support."
• "Scripture says a husband and wife should be completely united in love. I need to have more intimacy with you."
• "I only want what God commands: children who have learned to respect their parents and use their God-given gifts to
the fullest."
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 There is an element of validity in each of these statements. The trouble is that if our desire is not met, these attitudes
can lead to a vicious cycle. The more we want something, the more we think of it as something we need and deserve. And
the more we think we are entitled to it, the more convinced we are that we cannot be happy and secure without it.
When we see our object of desire as being essential to our fulfillment and well-being, it moves from being a desire to a
demand. "I wish I could have this" evolves into "I must have this!" This is where trouble sets in. Even if the initial desire
was not inherently wrong, it has grown so strong that it begins to control our thoughts and behavior. In biblical terms, it has
become an "idol."
Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people. But the concept is much
broader and far more personal than that. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or
secure. In biblical terms it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12:29), that motivates us (1
Corinthians 4:5), that masters and rules us (Psalm 119:133; Ephesians 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isaiah 42:17;
Matthew 6:24; Luke 12:4-5). In short, it is something we love and pursue in place of God (see Philippians 3:19).
Given its controlling effect on our lives, an idol can also be referred to as a "false god" or a "functional god." As Martin
Luther wrote, "To whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by 'god.' To have
a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart.... To whatever you give your heart and entrust your
being, that, I say, is really your god."1
Even sincere Christians struggle with idolatry. We may believe in God and say we want to serve Him only, but at times
we allow other influences to rule us. In this sense we are no different from the ancient Israelites: "Even while these people

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were worshiping the LORD, they were serving their idols. To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as
their fathers did" (2 Kings 17:41).
It is important to emphasize the fact that idols can arise from good desires as well as wicked desires. It is often not what
we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate
sexual relationship with his wife, or for a wife to want open and honest communication with her husband, or for either of
them to want a steadily growing savings account. These are good desires, but if they turn into demands that must be met in
order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self-pity that can destroy a
marriage.
How can you discern when a good desire might be turning into a sinful demand? You can begin by prayerfully asking
yourself "X-ray" questions that reveal the true condition of your heart.
• What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at
night?
• How would I complete this statement: "If only, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure"?
• What do I want to preserve or avoid?
• Where do I put my trust?
• What do I fear?
• When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?
• Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?

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 As you search your heart for idols, you will often encounter multiple layers of concealment, disguise, and justification.
As mentioned earlier, one of the most subtle cloaking devices is to argue that we want only what God Himself commands.
For example, a mother may desire that her children be respectful and obedient to her, kind to one another, and diligent
in developing their gifts and talents. And she can back up each goal with a specific scripture that shows that God Himself
desires such behavior.
When they do not fulfill these goals, even after her repeated encouragement or correction, she may feel frustrated,
angry, or resentful. She needs to ask, "Why am I feeling this way? Is it a righteous anger that they are not living up to God's
standards? Or is it a selfish anger that they are not giving me the smooth, comfortable, and convenient day I want?"
In most cases, it will be a mixture of both. Part of her truly wants to see her children love and obey God in every way,
both for His glory and for their good. But another part of her is motivated by a desire for her own comfort and convenience.
Which desire is really controlling her heart and reactions?
If the God-centered desire is dominating the mother's heart, her response to disobedient children should be
characterized by God's discipline toward her. "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love"
(Psalm 103:8). As she imitates God, her response will line up with corrective guidelines found in Galatians 6:1: "If someone
is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." In other
words, although her discipline may be direct and firm, it will be wrapped in gentleness and love, and leave no residue of
resentment or unforgiveness.
On the other hand, if her desire for comfort and convenience has become an idol, her reaction to her children will be
much different. It will be characterized by smoldering anger as well as harsh and unnecessarily hurtful words or discipline.
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She may feel bitterness or resentment that her desires have been frustrated. And even after disciplining her children, she may
maintain a lingering coolness toward them that extends their punishment and warns them not to cross her again. If this latter
group of attitudes and actions frequently characterizes her response, it is a sign that her desire for godly children has
probably evolved into an idolatrous demand.

I Judge
Another sign of idolatry is the inclination to judge other people. When they fail to satisfy our desires and live up to our
expectations, we criticize and condemn in our hearts if not with our words. As Dave Powlison writes:
We judge others—criticize, nit-pick, nag, attack, condemn— because we literally play God. This is heinous. [The
Bible says]"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you to
judge your neighbor?" Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe. In this, we become like the
Devil himself (no surprise that the Devil is mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We act exactly like the adversary
who seeks to usurp God's throne and who acts as the accuser of the brethren. When you and I fight, our minds
become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self-righteous judge in the
mini-kingdoms we establish.2

This insight should leave us shaking in our boots! When we judge others and condemn them in our hearts for not
meeting our desires, we are imitating the Devil (see James 3:15; 4:7). We have doubled our idolatry problem: Not only have
we let an idolatrous desire rule our hearts, but we have also set ourselves up as judging minigods. This is a formula for
excruciating conflict.

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 This is not to say that it is inherently wrong to evaluate or even judge others within certain limits. Scripture teaches that
we should observe and evaluate others' behavior so that we can respond and minister to them in appropriate ways, which
may even involve loving confrontation (see Matthew 7:1-5; 18:15; Galatians 6:1).
We cross the line, however, when we begin to sinfully judge others, which is characterized by a feeling of superiority,
indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging often involves speculating on others' motives. Most of
all, it reveals the absence of a genuine love and concern toward them. When these attitudes are present, our judging has
crossed the line and we are playing God.
The closer we are to others, the more we expect of them and the more likely we are to judge them when they fail to
meet our expectations. For example, we may look at our spouse and think, "If you really love me, you above all people will
help meet this need." We think of our children and say, "After all I've done for you, you owe this to me."
We can place similar expectations on relatives, close friends, or members of our church. Expectations are not inherently
bad. It is good to hope for the best in others and reasonable to anticipate receiving understanding and support from those
who are closest to us.
But if we are not careful, these expectations can become conditions and standards that we use to judge others. Instead
of giving people room for independence, disagreement, or failure, we rigidly impose our expectations on them. In effect, we
expect them to give allegiance to our idols. When they refuse to do so, we condemn them in our hearts and with our words,
and our conflicts with them take on a heightened intensity.

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I Punish
Idols always demand sacrifices. When others fail to satisfy our demands and expectations, our idols demand that they
should suffer. Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so they will give in to our
desires.
This punishment can take many forms. Sometimes we react in overt anger, lashing out with hurtful words to inflict pain
on those who fail to meet our expectations. When we do so, we are essentially placing others on the altar of our idol and
sacrificing them, not with a pagan knife, but with the sharp edge of our tongue. Only when they give in to our desire and
give us what we want will we stop inflicting pain upon them.
But we punish those who don't bow to our idols in numerous other ways as well. Our children may use pouting,
stomping, or dirty looks to hurt us for not meeting their desires. Adults and children alike may impose guilt or shame on
others by walking around with pained or crushed looks on their faces. Some people even resort to physical violence or
sexual abuse to punish and control others.
As we grow in faith and awareness of our sin, most of us recognize and reject overt and obviously sinful means of
punishing others. But our idols do not give up their influence easily, and they often lead us to develop more subtle means of
punishing those who do not serve them.
Withdrawal from a relationship is a common way to hurt others. This may include a subtle coolness toward the other
person, withholding affection or physical contact, being sad or gloomy, refusing to look someone in the eye especially for
westerners but those from other lands will be total avoidance, or even abandoning the relationship altogether.

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 Sending subtle, unpleasant cues over a long period of time is an age-old method of inflicting punishment. For example,
a friend of mine mentioned to me that his wife was not pleased with the fact that he was giving so much time to a particular
ministry. He closed by saying, "And as we all know, when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" He laughed as he said
it, but his comment made me think of the proverb, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day" (Proverbs
27:15). A woman has a unique ability to set the tone in a home. If she is not careful, she can pervert that gift and use it to
create an unpleasant or uncomfortable atmosphere that tells her family, "Either get in line with what I want, or you will
suffer." Such behavior is an act of unbelief: Instead of relying on God's means of grace to sanctify her family, she depends
on her own tools of punishment to manipulate them into change. Of course, a man can do the same thing; by being
perpetually critical and unhappy, he too can make everyone in the family miserable until they give in to his idols. The usual
result of such behavior is a superficial, splintered family.
Inflicting pain on others is one of the surest signs that an idol is ruling our hearts (see James 4:1-3). When we catch
ourselves punishing others in any way, whether deliberately and overtly or unconsciously and subtly, it is a warning that
something other than God is ruling our hearts.

THE CURE FOR AN IDOLATROUS HEART

An idol, as we have seen, is any desire that has grown into a consuming demand that rules our heart; it is something we
think we must have to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. To put it another way, it is something we love, fear, or trust.
Love, fear, trust—these are words of worship! Jesus commands us to love God, fear God, and trust God and God alone
(Matthew 22:37; Luke 12:4-5; John 14:1). Any time we long for something apart from God, fear something more than God,

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or trust in something other than God to make us happy, fulfilled, or secure, we are engaging in the worship of false gods. As
a result, we deserve the judgment and wrath of the true God.

Deliverance from Judgment

There is only one way out of this bondage and judgment: It is to look to God Himself, who loves to deliver people from
their idols. "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other
gods before me" (Exodus 20:2-3).
God has provided the cure for our idolatry by sending His Son to experience the punishment that we deserve because of
our sin. Through Jesus Christ we can become righteous in God's sight and find freedom from sin and idolatry. "Therefore,
there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set
me free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:1-2).
To receive this forgiveness and freedom, we must acknowledge our sin, repent of it, and put our trust in Jesus Christ
(see Acts 3:19; Psalm 32:5). When we do, we are no longer under God's judgment. Instead, He brings us into His family,
makes us His children and heirs, and enables us to live a godly life (Galatians 4:4-7). This is the good news of the gospel—
forgiveness and eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ!

Deliverance from Specific Idols

Yet there is more good news. God wants to deliver us not only from our general problem with sin and idolatry, but also
from the specific, day-to-day idols that consume us, control us, and cause conflict with those around us.

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 This deliverance is not done in blanket fashion, with all our idols being swept away in one great spiritual experience.
Instead, God calls us to identify and confess our idols one by one, and then to cooperate with Him as He steadily removes
them bit by bit from our hearts.
God conveys His grace to help us in this identification and deliverance process via three vehicles: His Bible, His Spirit,
and His church. The Bible is "living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul
and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12). As you diligently study and
meditate on the Bible and sit under regular, sound preaching, God will use His Word like a spotlight and a scalpel in your
heart. It will reveal your idolatrous desires and show you how to love and worship God with all your heart, mind, soul, and
strength.
The Holy Spirit aids our deliverance from idols by helping us to understand the Bible, to identify our sin, and to pursue
a godly life (1 Corinthians 2:10-15; Philippians 2:13). Therefore, we should pray on a daily basis for the Spirit to guide,
convict, and strengthen us in our walk with Christ.
Finally, God has surrounded us with brothers and sisters in Christ who can teach us, lovingly confront us about our
idols, and provide encouragement and guidance in our spiritual growth (Galatians 6:1; Romans 15:14). This requires that we
commit ourselves to consistent involvement in a solid, biblical church and seek regular fellowship and accountability from
spiritually mature believers.
Through these three vehicles of grace, God will help you examine your life and progressively expose and deliver you
from the idols that rule your heart. This process involves several key steps:

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• Prayerfully ask yourself the "X-ray" questions listed previously, which will help you discern the desires that have
come to rule your heart.
• Keep track of your discoveries in a journal so that you can identify patterns and steadily go after specific idols.
• Pray daily that God would rob your idols of their influence in your life by making you miserable whenever you give
in to them.
• Describe your idols to your spouse and an accountability partner, and ask them to pray for you and lovingly confront
you when they see signs that the idol is still controlling you.
• Realize that idols are masters of change and disguise. As soon as you gain a victory over a particular sinful desire,
your idol is likely to reappear in a related form, with a redirected desire and more subtle means of attracting your
attention.
• If you are dealing with an idol that is difficult to identify or conquer, go to your pastor or some other spiritually
mature advisor, and seek his or her counsel and support.
• Most of all, ask God to replace your idols with a growing love for Him and a consuming desire to worship Him and
Him alone (more on this below).
If someone told you that you had a deadly cancer that would take your life if you did not get treatment, you would
probably spare no effort or expense in pursuing the most rigorous treatment available. Well, you do have cancer, a cancer of
the soul. It is called sin and idolatry. But there is a cure. It is called the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is administered through
the Word, the Spirit, and the church. The more rigorously you avail yourself of these means of grace, the greater effect they
will have in delivering you from the idols that plague your soul.
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 Replace Idol Worship with Worship of the True God
In his excellent book Future Grace, John Piper teaches that "sin is what you do when you are not fully satisfied in
God."4 The same may be said about idolatry: It is what we do when we are not fully satisfied in God. In other words, if we
are not fulfilled and secure in God, we will inevitably seek other sources of happiness and security.
Therefore, if you want to squeeze the idols out of your heart and leave no room for them to return, make it your top
priority to aggressively pursue an all-consuming worship for the living God. Ask Him to teach you how to love, fear, and
trust Him more than anything in this world. Replacing idol worship with worship of the true God involves several steps:
• Repent before God. When we repent and confess our sins and idols, believing in our forgiveness through Christ, we
also confess our faith in Christ. Repentance and confession of our faith in the true God is true worship (1 John 1:8-
10). "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm
51:17; see also Isaiah 66:2b).
• Fear God. Stand in awe of the true God when you are tempted to fear others or are afraid of losing something
precious. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of [all wisdom]" (Proverbs 1:7). "Do not be afraid of those who kill
the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell" (Matthew
10:28). "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore
you are feared" (Psalm 130:3-4).
• Love God. Desire the One who forgives us and provides everything we need instead of looking to other things that
cannot save you. "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your

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 mind' " (Matthew 22:37). "Those who seek the LORD lack no good thing" (Psalm 34:10). "Seek first his kingdom and
his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33). "Whom have I in heaven but
you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25-26).
• Trust God. Rely on the One who sacrificed His Son for you and has proven Himself to be absolutely dependable in
every situation. "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man" (Psalm 118:8). "Trust in the LORD with
all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). "His divine power has given us everything we
need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through
these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine
nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires" (2 Peter 1:3-4).
• Delight in God. Find your greatest joy in thinking about God, meditating on His works, talking to others about Him,
praising Him, and giving Him thanks. "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart"
(Psalm 37:4). "My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long" (Psalm 71:8). "Rejoice in
the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4). "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all
circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).
As these passages indicate, God has designed a wonderful cycle for those who want to worship Him above all things.
As you love, praise, give thanks, and delight yourself in God, He will fulfill your desires with the best thing in the world:
more of Himself! And as you learn to delight more and more in Him, you will feel less need to find happiness, fulfillment,

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and security in the things of this world. By God's grace, the influence of idolatry and conflict in your family can be steadily
diminished, and you and your family can enjoy the intimacy and security that come from worshiping the one true God.
The Four GsConflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. Even when conflict is caused by sin and causes a great deal of
stress, God can use it for good (see Rom. 8:28-29). As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1, conflict actually
provides three significant opportunities. By God's grace, you can use conflict to:
• Glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating him)
• Serve other people (by helping to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love)
• Grow to be like Christ (by confessing sin and turning from attitudes that promote conflict).
These concepts are totally overlooked in most conflicts because people naturally focus on escaping from the situation
or overcoming their opponent. Therefore, it is wise to periodically step back from a conflict and ask yourself whether you
are doing all that you can to take advantage of these special opportunities.

1st G: Glorify God

When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live "to the glory of God," he was not talking about one hour on
Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring him praise in day-to-day life, especially by the way that
they resolved personal conflicts (see 1 Cor. 10:31). "How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?"
As mentioned above, you can glorify God in the midst of conflict by trusting him, obeying him, and imitating him (see
Prov. 3:4-6; John 14:15; Eph. 5:1). One of the best ways to keep these concerns uppermost in your mind is to regularly ask
yourself this focusing question: "How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?"

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2nd G: Get the log out of your own eye
One of the most challenging principles of peacemaking is set forth in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus says, "You hypocrite,
first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
There are generally two kinds of "logs" you need to look for when dealing with conflict. First, you need to ask whether
you have had a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict. One of the best ways to do
this is to spend some time meditating on Philippians 4:2-9, which describes the kind of attitude Christians should have even
when they are involved in a conflict.
The second kind of log you must deal with is actual sinful words and actions. Because you are often blind to your own
sins, you may need an honest friend or advisor who will help you to take an objective look at yourself and face up to your
contribution to a conflict.
When you identify ways that you have wronged another person, it is important to admit your wrongs honestly and
thoroughly. One way to do this is to use the Seven A's of Confession shown below.
The most important aspect of getting the log out of your own eye is to go beyond the confession of wrong behavior and
face up to the root cause of that behavior. The Bible teaches that conflict comes from the desires that battle in your heart
(James 4:1-3; Matt. 15:18-19). Some of these desires are obviously sinful, such as wanting to conceal the truth, bend others
to your will, or have revenge. In many situations, however, conflict is fueled by good desires that you have elevated to sinful
demands, such as a craving to be understood, loved, respected, or vindicated.

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 Any time you become excessively preoccupied with something, even a good thing, and seek to find happiness, security
or fulfillment in it rather than in God, you are guilty of idolatry. Idolatry inevitably leads to conflict with God ("You shall
have no other gods before me"). It also causes conflict with other people. As James writes, when we want something but
don't get it, we kill and covet, quarrel and fight (James 4:1-4).
There are three basic steps you can take to overcome the idolatry that fuels conflict. First, you should ask God to help
you see where your have been guilty of wrong worship, that is, where you are focusing your love, attention, and energy on
something other than God. Second, you should specifically identify and renounce each of the desires contributing to the
conflict. Third, you should deliberately pursue right worship, that is, to fix your heart and mind on God and to seek joy,
fulfillment, and satisfaction in him alone.
As God guides and empowers these efforts, you can find freedom from the idols that fuel conflict and be motivated to
make choices that will please and honor Christ. This change in heart will usually speed a resolution to a present problem,
and at the same time improve your ability to avoid similar conflicts in the future.

3rd G: Gently Restore

Another key principle of peacemaking involves an effort to help others understand how they have contributed to a
conflict. When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is
Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." If this verse is
read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If

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the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than
simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins.
Just before this passage, we find Jesus' wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering
sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12–14). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration,
not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to "go and show him his fault" by adding, "If he listens to
you, you have won your brother over." And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21–35, where he uses the
parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21–35).
Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of
their wrongs. Similarly, Galatians 6:1 gives us solid counsel on what our attitude and purpose ought to be when we go to
our brother. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Our attitude should be
one of gentleness rather than anger, and our purpose should be to restore rather than condemn.
Yet even before you go to talk with someone, remember that it is appropriate to overlook minor offenses (see Prov.
19:11). As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer "no" to all of the following questions:
• Is the offense seriously dishonoring God?
• Has it permanently damaged a relationship?
• Is it seriously hurting other people? and
• Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?
If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, an offense is too serious to overlook, in which case God commands you
to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As you do so, remember to:
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• Pray for humility and wisdom
• Plan your words carefully (think of how you would want to be confronted)
• Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses (rehearsals can be very helpful)
• Choose the right time and place (talk in person whenever possible)
• Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Prov. 11:27)
• Listen carefully (Prov. 18:13)
• Speak only to build others up (Eph. 4:29)
• Ask for feedback from the other person
• Recognize your limits (only God can change people; see Rom. 12:18; 2 Tim. 2:24-26)
If an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict, do not give up. Review what was said and done, and look for ways
to make a better approach during a follow up conversation. It may also be wise to ask a spiritually mature friend for advice
on how to approach the other person more effectively. Then try again with even stronger prayer support.
If repeated, careful attempts at a private discussion are not fruitful, and if the matter is still too serious to overlook, you
should ask one or two other people to meet with you and your opponent and help you to resolve your differences through
mediation, arbitration, or accountability (see Matt. 18:16-20; 1 Cor. 6:1-8

4th G: Go and Be Reconciled

One of the most unique features of biblical peacemaking is the pursuit of genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. Even
though Christians have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world, we often fail to show that forgiveness to others. To

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cover up our disobedience we often use the shallow statement, "I forgive her—I just don't want to have anything to do with
her again." Just think, however, how you would feel if God said to you, "I forgive you; I just don't want to have anything to
do with you again"? Even though Christians have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world, we often fail to show
that forgiveness to others
Praise God that he never says this! Instead, he forgives you totally and opens the way for genuine reconciliation. He
calls you to forgive others in exactly the same way: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:12-14; see also 1 Cor. 13:5; Psalm 103:12; Isa. 43:25). One
way to imitate God's forgiveness is to make the Four Promises of Forgiveness when you forgive someone.
Remember that forgiveness is a spiritual process that you cannot fully accomplish on your own. Therefore, as you seek
to forgive others, continually ask God for grace to enable you to imitate his wonderful forgiveness toward you.

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS
Be Prepared for Unreasonable People
Whenever you are responding to conflict, you need to realize that other people may harden their hearts and refuse to be
reconciled to you. There are two ways you can prepare for this possibility.
First, remember that God does not measure success in terms of results but in terms of faithful obedience. He knows that
you cannot force other people to act in a certain way. Therefore he will not hold you responsible for their actions or for the
ultimate outcome of a conflict.

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 All God expects of you is to obey his revealed will as faithfully as possible (see Rom. 12:18). If you do that, no matter
how the conflict turns out, you can walk away with a clear conscience before God, knowing that his appraisal is, "Well
done, good and faithful servant."
Second, resolve that you will not give up on finding a biblical solution. If a dispute is not easily resolved, you may be
tempted to say, "Well, I tried all the biblical principles I know, and they just didn't work. It looks like I'll have to handle this
another way (meaning, 'the world's way')."
A Christian should never close the Bible. When you try to resolve a conflict but do not see the results you desire, you
should seek God even more earnestly through prayer, the study of his Word, and the counsel of his church. As you do so, it
is essential to keep your focus on Christ and all that he has already done for you (see Col. 3:1-4). It is also helpful to follow
five principles for overcoming evil, which are described in Romans 12:14-21:
• Control your tongue ("Bless those who curse you;" see also Eph. 4:29)
• Seek godly advisors (identify with others and do not become isolated)
• Keep doing what is right (see 1 Pet. 2;12, 15; 3:15b-16)
• Recognize your limits (instead of retaliating, stay within proper biblical channels)
• Use the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (see also John 3:16; Luke 6:27-31)
At the very least, these steps will protect you from being consumed by the acid of your own bitterness and resentment
if others continue to oppose you. And in some cases, God may eventually use such actions to bring another person to
repentance (see 1 Sam. 24:1-22).

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 Even if other people persist in doing wrong, you can continue to trust that God is in control and will deal with them in
his time (see Psalms 10 and 37). This kind of patience in the face of suffering is commended by God (see 1 Pet. 2:19) and
ultimately results in our good and his glory.

Get Help from Above

None of us can make complete and lasting peace with others in our own strength. We must have help from God. But
before we can receive that help, we need to be at peace with God himself.
Peace with God does not come automatically, because all of us have sinned and alienated ourselves from him (see Isa.
59:1–2). Instead of living the perfect lives needed to enjoy fellowship with him, each of us has a record stained with sin (see
Matt. 5:48; Rom. 3:23). As a result, we deserve to be eternally separated from God (Rom. 6:23a). That is the bad news.
The good news is that "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall
not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Believing in Jesus means more than being baptized, going to church, or trying
to be a good person. None of these activities can erase the sins you have already committed and will continue to commit
throughout your life. Believing in Jesus means, first of all, admitting that you are a sinner and acknowledging that there is no
way you can earn God's approval by your own works (Rom. 3:20; Eph. 2:8–9).
Second, it means believing that Jesus paid the full penalty for your sins when he died on the cross (Isa. 53:1–12; 1 Peter
2:24–25). In other words, believing in Jesus means trusting that he exchanged records with you at Calvary—that is, he took
your sinful record on himself and paid for it in full, giving you his perfect record.

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 When you believe in Jesus and receive his perfect record of righteousness, you can really have true peace with God. As
you receive this peace, God will give you an increasing ability to make peace with others by following the peacemaking
principles he gives us in Scripture, many of which are described above (see Phil. 4:7; Matt. 5:9).
If you have never confessed your sin to God and believed in Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and King, you can do so
right now by sincerely praying this prayer:
Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I realize that my good deeds could never make up for my wrongs. I need
your forgiveness. I believe that you died for my sins, and I want to turn away from them. I trust you now to be my Savior,
and I will follow you as my Lord and King, in the fellowship of your church.
If you have prayed this prayer, it is essential that you find fellowship with other Christians in a church where the Bible
is faithfully taught and applied. This fellowship will help you to learn more about God, grow in your faith, and obey what he
commands, even when you are involved in a difficult conflict.

Get Help from the Church

As God helps you to practice his peacemaking principles, you will be able to resolve most of the normal conflicts of
daily life on your own. Sometimes, however, you will encounter situations that you do not know how to handle. In such
situations, it is appropriate to turn to a spiritually mature person within the church who can give you advice on how you
might be able to apply these principles more effectively.
In most cases, such "coaching" will enable you to go back to the other person in the conflict and work out your
differences in private. If the person from whom you seek advice does not have much experience in conflict resolution, it

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may be helpful to seek for a Christian specialist in conflict resolution and peace building. When individual advice does not
enable you to resolve a dispute, you should ask one or two mutually respected friends to meet with you and your opponent
to help you settle your difference through mediation or arbitration (see Matt. 18:16-17; 1 Cor. 6:1-8

The Slippery Slope of Conflict

Staying on Top of Conflict

Conflict can make life very awkward. It often catches us off guard and leads us to say and do things we later regret.
When someone offends us, we often react without thinking. Soon it is as if we are sliding down a slippery slope and things
are going from bad to worse. As the illustration shows, this slippery slope can drop off in two directions.
Conflict can make life very awkward. It often catches us off guard and leads us to say and do things we later regret.
When someone offends us, we often react without thinking. Soon it is as if we are sliding down a slippery slope and
things are going from bad to worse. As the illustration shows, this slippery slope can drop off in two directions.

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Escape Responses
The three responses found on the left side of the slippery slope are commonly used by people who are more interested
in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it.
Denial—One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that no problem exists. Another way is to refuse to do what
should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse
(see 1 Sam. 2:22-25).
Flight—Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may take the form of ending a friendship, quitting a
job, filing for divorce, or leaving a church. Flight may be legitimate in extreme situations (see 1 Sam. 19:9-10), but in most
cases it only postpones a proper solution to the problem (see Gen. 16:6-8).

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 Suicide—When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation (or make a desperate
cry for help) by attempting to take their own lives. Suicide is never a right way to deal with conflict (see Matt. 27:1-5)

Attack Responses

The three responses found on the right side of the slippery slope are often used by people who are more interested in
winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship.
Assault—Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal
attacks (including gossip and slander), physical violence, or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally (see
Acts 6:8-15). Such conduct usually escalates conflict.
Litigation—Although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge (see Acts 24:1-26:32; Rom. 13:1-
5), lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to achieve complete justice. This is
why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle their differences within the church rather than the civil courts
(see Matt. 5:25-26; 1 Cor. 6:1-8).
Murder—In extreme cases, people may be so desperate to win a dispute that they will try to kill those who oppose
them (see Acts 7:54-58). While most people would not actually kill someone, we should never forget that we stand guilty of
murder in God's eyes when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others (see 1 John 3:15; Matt. 5:21-22).

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Conciliation Responses
The Gospel Is the Key to Peace. A true peacemaker is guided, motivated, and empowered by the gospel, the good news
that God has forgiven all our sins and made peace with us through the death and resurrection of his Son (Col. 1:19-20).
Through Christ he has also enabled us to break the habit of escaping from conflict or attacking others, and he has
empowered us to become peacemakers who can promote genuine justice and reconciliation (Col. 3:12-14).
The six responses found on the top portion of the slippery slope are directed at finding a just and mutually agreeable
solution to a conflict. These responses may be divided into two categories: personal peacemaking responses and assisted
responses:
Personal peacemaking responses are carried out in private between the parties themselves. Although it is appropriate
for one or both parties to seek advice on how to implement these responses, they should normally try to resolve their
differences one-on-one before asking others to intervene in the dispute.
Overlook an offense—Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately
overlooking an offense. "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense" (Prov. 19:11).
Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it
grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.
Reconciliation—If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or
relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. "[If] your brother has something against you ... go
and be reconciled" (Matt. 5:23-24). "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently"
(Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).
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Negotiation—Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to
money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other
person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. "Each of you should look not only to your
own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4).
If the parties cannot resolve a dispute through personal peacemaking, they should pursue one of the assisted responses.
This will require that they seek help from other people in their church or community.
Mediation—If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to
meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. "If he will not listen [to you],
take one or two others along" (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority
to force you to accept a particular solution.
Arbitration—When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one
or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. "If you have disputes about
such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church" (1 Cor. 6:4).
Accountability—If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands
his or her church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance,
justice, and forgiveness: "If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church" (Matt. 18:17).
As you can see, the escape responses only postpone a proper solution to a problem, and attack responses usually
damage relationships and make conflicts worse. Therefore, you should generally try first to deal with conflict personally and

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privately by using one of the first three conciliation responses (overlooking, discussion, or negotiation). To learn how to
carry out these steps in a biblically faithful manner, see The Four Gs.
If repeated efforts at personal peacemaking do not resolve a matter, then you may need to pursue one of the other
conciliation responses (mediation, arbitration, or accountability), which will require the assistance of other people in your
church or community.

Seven A’s of Confession

As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find
freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they
have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: "I'm sorry
if I hurt you." "Let's just forget the past." "I suppose I could have done a better job." "I guess it's not all your fault." These
token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help
you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A's.
1. Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
2. Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
3. Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
4. Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
5. Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
6. Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)

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7. Ask for forgiveness. See Matthew 7:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9; Proverbs 28:13.

The PAUSE Principle

Even when you manage to resolve personal offenses through confession and forgiveness, you may still need to deal
with substantive issues, which may involve money, property, or the exercise of certain rights. These issues should not be
swept under the carpet or automatically passed to a higher authority. Instead, they should be negotiated in a biblically
faithful manner.
As a general rule, you should try to negotiate substantive issues in a cooperative manner rather than a competitive
manner. In other words, instead of aggressively pursuing your own interests and letting others look out for themselves, you
should deliberately look for solutions that are beneficial to everyone involved.
As the Apostle Paul put it, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better
than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:3-4; see
Matt. 22:39; 1 Cor. 13:5; Matt. 7:12).
A biblical approach to negotiation may be summarized in five basic steps, which we refer to as the PAUSE Principle:
• Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)
• Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)
• Understand interests (identify others' concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)
• Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)
• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don't argue)
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 If you have never used this approach to negotiation before, it will take time and practice (and sometimes advice from
others) to become proficient at it. But it is well worth the effort, because learning the PAUSE principle will help you not
only to resolve your present dispute but also to negotiate more effectively in all areas of your life.
Four Promises of Forgiveness

Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with
him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us: We must release the person who has
wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the
wrongs, and not punish others for them. Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:

1. "I will not dwell on this incident."

2. "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."
3. "I will not talk to others about this incident."
4. "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship."
By making and keeping these promises, you can tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You
promise not to dwell on or brood over the problem or to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for
your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he
calls us to do for others.

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 My Pledge
A Commitment to Biblical Conflict Resolution. As a person reconciled to God by the death and resurrection of Jesus
Christ, I believe that we are called to respond to conflict in a way that is remarkably different from the way the world deals
with conflict.1 I also believe that conflict provides opportunities to glorify God, serve other people, and grow to be like
Christ.2 Therefore, in response to God's love and in reliance on his grace, I commit myself to respond to conflict according
to the following principles:
Glorify God — Instead of focusing on my own desires or dwelling on what others may do, I will rejoice in the Lord and
bring him praise by depending on his forgiveness, wisdom, power, and love, as I seek to faithfully obey his commands and
maintain a loving, merciful, and forgiving attitude.3
Get the Log out of My Eye — Instead of blaming others for a conflict or resisting correction, I will trust in God's mercy
and take responsibility for my own contribution to conflicts—confessing my sins to those I have wronged, asking God to
help me change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any harm I have caused.4
Gently Restore — Instead of pretending that conflict doesn't exist or talking about others behind their backs, I will
overlook minor offenses or I will talk personally and graciously with those whose offenses seem too serious to overlook,
seeking to restore them rather than condemn them. When a conflict with a Christian brother or sister cannot be resolved in
private, I will ask others in the body of Christ to help us settle the matter in a biblical manner. 5
Go and be reconciled — Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, I will actively
pursue genuine peace and reconciliation—forgiving others as God, for Christ's sake, has forgiven me, and seeking just and
mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.6
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 By God's grace, I will apply these principles as a matter of stewardship, realizing that conflict is an assignment, not an
accident. I will remember that success in God's eyes is not a matter of specific results, but of faithful, dependent obedience.
And I will pray that my service as a peacemaker will bring praise to my Lord and lead others to know His infinite love. 7

Relational Commitment
Much of the conflict that churches experience today arises because they have not clearly established and communicated
how they will govern their affairs and relate to one another. As a result, there can be significant confusion and disagreement
among both leaders and members over how a church will function and act. When members' expectations are not met and
they are treated differently than they wish or expect, they can become deeply offended. All too often this leads them to move
from church to church, and in some cases to file retaliatory lawsuits.
One of the most important steps a church can take to prevent this type of confusion and conflict is to adopt clear and
comprehensive governing and relational policies. Traditional church governance documents include a constitution and
bylaws, which are sometimes linked to a denominational book of church order.
These types of documents are crucial to establishing a church's legal right to govern itself. Courts strongly support the
"right of association," which involves, among other things, a right to associate for advancement of common belief, a right to
establish standards for members, and a right to exclude and expel persons from membership.
Most courts will uphold reasonable practices conducted pursuant to clearly established religious beliefs. Therefore,
clear and detailed governing documents can play a decisive role in conflicts in which a court is asked to scrutinize a church's
conduct.
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 Even the best of church documents almost always fail to fully address crucial relational issues that can lead to
devastating conflicts or legal liability. These issues include:
• conflict resolution and lawsuits against the church
• marriage, divorce, and remarriage
• preventing and responding to sexual abuse
• biblical counseling
• confidentiality
• accountability and church discipline.
Each of these issues is specifically addressed we conduct workshops, seminars and peace building simulations. These
Commitments pull together key relational principles from God's Word and serve as relational guidelines for a particular
congregation. These Commitments accomplish several important purposes:
• They remind church members of their mutual commitment to work together to pursue unity, maintain friendships,
preserve marriages, and build relationships that reflect the love of Christ.
• They help to prevent surprises, disappointed expectations, confusion and conflict by describing how church members
and leaders expect to relate to one another within the church.
• They provide a clear track for a church to run on when conflict threatens to divide them, and they show how to move
quickly toward reconciliation.
• They establish guidelines for how the church leaders will counsel others, guard confidential information, and protect
children from abuse.
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• They define and limit the spiritual authority of the church leaders and thereby insure that all members are treated
fairly.
• Finally, they reduce the church's exposure to legal liability by clearly establishing its relational practices and by
affirming a mutual commitment to resolve conflict biblically.
Although these commitments could be added directly to a church's bylaws, we do recommend that they be organized
in a separate document that is referred to within the bylaws. This approach can simplify efforts to educate people and obtain
informed consent on these issues. A separate Relational Commitments document provides four benefits:
• It prevents these important concepts from being buried in and obscured by the more general governing provisions of
your bylaws, thus increasing the likelihood the people will actually read and understand them.
• It presents these concepts in a more personal, pastoral and appealing form, thus increasing the likelihood that people
will have a positive impression when they first see these commitments.
• It provides a simple and winsome way to let visitors know how the people in your church love, encourage, support
and minister to one another; this may lead visitors to think more seriously about joining your church.
• It allows you to present these concepts to attendees and let them know that these commitments apply to all the people
who regularly worship in your church, whether they are members or attendees. In other words, a separate Relational
Commitments document, properly used, can help you to obtained informed consent to your practices from every
person who regularly attends your church, regardless of whether they become formal members.

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Biblical Conflict Resolution
Acts 15 records the conflict that took place between Paul and Barnabas and a group of men from Judea over the issue of
whether or not Gentiles should be circumcised. You think you have tough conflict issues to resolve, how would you like to
deal with that one? But there are six valuable lessons on conflict resolution we can glean from this passage:

1. Hear Both Sides of the Story - Paul and Barnabas reported how God had used them to see the Gentiles converted.
Believers who were part of the party of the Pharisees explained how the Gentiles must be circumcised and required to obey
the law of Moses (Acts 15:2-5). The apostles and elders heard both sides of the story.

2. Engage in Discussion – Next, the apostles and elders took time to discuss the matter (Acts 15:6-7).

3. Present the Facts and be Sensitive to What God is Doing - After much discussion, Peter addressed the crowd by
drawing the crowd’s attention to the facts … the work God was doing among the Gentiles and the reality that God had
accepted the Gentiles by giving them the Holy Spirit (Acts 15:7-11).

4. Provide Supporting Evidence - Paul and Barnabas shared about the miraculous signs and wonders God had done
through them among the Gentiles. Then, James spoke up and quoted the prophets to confirm the work of the Spirit among
the Gentiles (Acts 15:12-18).

5. Based on the Facts, Articulate a Responsible Solution to the Conflict - James said: “It is my judgment, therefore, that
we should not make it difficult for the Gentiles who are turning to God. Instead, we should write to them, telling them to
abstain from food polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from the meat of strangled animals and from blood. For Moses
has been preached in every city from the earliest times and is read in the synagogues on every Sabbath” (Acts 15:19-21).
The solution was based on the facts. However, the solution also did not ignore the Gentiles’ responsibilities.

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6. Put Together a Communication Strategy that Brings Clarification - After the solution was articulated, the apostles
and elders put together a team to deliver a letter to the Gentile believers in Antioch, Syria and Cilicia. The letter brought
clarification to the entire situation and provided a solution.

Question: Which of these principles is the easiest to forget when you’re trying to resolve conflict? What other
strategies or ideas have you found helpful in conflict resolution?

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 Citations:
1
I owe Paul Tripp, David Powlison, and Ed Welch of the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation
(www.CCEF.org) a great debt for the many insights they have given to me on this topic through their books and seminars.
2
F. Samuel Janzow, Luther's Large Catechism: A Contemporary Translation with Study Questions (St. Louis: Concordia
Publishing House, 1978), p. 13.
3
Journal of Biblical Counseling 16, no. 1, fall 1997.
4
John Piper, Future Grace (Sisters, Ore: Multnomah), page 9.
5
Matt. 5:9; Luke 6:27-36; Gal. 5:19-26.
6
Rom. 8:28-29; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; James 1:2-4.
7
Ps. 37:1-6; Mark 11:25; John 14:15; Rom. 12:17-21; 1 Cor. 10:31; Phil. 4:2-9; Col. 3:1-4; James 3:17-18; 4:1-3; 1 Peter
2:12.
8
Journal of Biblical Counseling 16, no. 1, fall 1997.
9
John Piper, Future Grace (Sisters, Ore: Multnomah), page 9.
1
0 Matt. 5:9; Luke 6:27-36; Gal. 5:19-26.
1
1 Rom. 8:28-29; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; James 1:2-4.
1
2Ps. 37:1-6; Mark 11:25; John 14:15; Rom. 12:17-21; 1 Cor. 10:31; Phil. 4:2-9; Col. 3:1-4; James 3:17-18; 4:1-3; 1 Peter
2:12.

Noted References
1 Prov. 28:13; Matt. 7:3-5; Luke 19:8; Col. 3:5-14; 1 John 1:8-9.
2 Prov. 19:11; Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 6:1-8; Gal. 6:1-2; Eph. 4:29; 2 Tim. 2:24-26; James 5:9.
3 Matt. 5:23-24; 6:12; 7:12; Eph. 4:1-3, 32; Phil. 2:3-4.
4 Matt. 25:14-21; John 13:34-35; Rom. 12:18; 1 Peter 2:19; 4:19.

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