Conversation

Tactics Module Worksheets

Module 1: Social Confidence

Find Your Disempowering Assumptions

1. You see yourself a certain way, but what caused that self-perception? Because
it’s not true to whatever negative rabbit hole you have taken it.
2. List 10 assumptions you have about yourself in relation to others, conversation,
and how likable you are.
3. Next to them, write out the evidence that you have for these assumptions.
4. Take a second and reflect.
5. Next to those, write out the “leaps” that you have to take to connect the
assumptions with the evidence. How do they sound?

Example: I assume that people inherently aren’t interested in what I have to say.
The evidence is that sometimes I see people not paying attention to me when I
speak for extended periods of time. (Note how the evidence is rather scant and has
to use a qualifier of “extended periods of time”)

The leap to connect those two: small signs of disinterest when I’m speaking to
someone for a long time mean that people just don’t like me and aren’t interested in
me. Is that plausible, or is that pretty weak? So where is your assumption coming
from? Is it rooted in anything real?

List Your Strengths and Weaknesses

1. We all have the natural tendency to minimize our strengths and shine a spotlight
onto our perceived flaws.
2. Write out 10 strengths you have – define these as what you do SLIGHTLY better
than some of your friends.
3. Write out 10 weaknesses you have – define these as what you do significantly
worse than some of your friends.
4. Make sure the list length is equal in length and significance.
5. How does this change the shape of your self-perception? Using the standards set
forth in points 2 and 3, how might someone else see you? How might you see
yourself as a stranger?


Example: I have a strength of telling stories because I feel like I do this just a little bit
better than what seems to be most of my friends. People seem to enjoy them and
laugh, and rarely do I lose their attention during a story. A weakness of mine is
teasing people because it feels like I am the absolute last person in my friend group
to come up with something witty. If everyone is exchanging barbs, I might be the last
person to chime in with something clever or funny.

Cost-Benefit Analysis
1. It is important to realize how you are shutting yourself off when you don’t see
the need for social confidence. It’s a tiny, cumulative effect that compounds on a
daily basis. Your lack of social confidence enables it to grow worse, and never
put yourself into situations where you can confirm it.
2. List 7 benefits you have to gain when you step outside of your comfort zone.
3. List 7 costs to you, ways that you will be harmed.
4. The second list should be much harder to write.
5. Does the cost-benefit analysis weigh in favor of playing to win, versus playing to
not lose? Assign a value of 1-10 for each of the 14 costs and benefits. What is the
total score? The benefits should heavily outweigh the costs if you’re being honest
with yourself.

Example: A benefit that I have to gain is that I could be playing more soccer, which is
my favorite sport and activity in the world, but I feel anxious about the social aspect.
A cost to me is that I might feel embarrassed or stumble slightly at first when
meeting new people.

Think about how big that disparity is.

Create Your Confidence Resume with Confidence Anchors

1. How do you remind yourself of your greatest moments and that, yes, you are still
that person?
2. Take out a large sheet of paper.
3. Write out at least 3 of the following (these are Confidence Anchors):
a. Greatest accomplishments
b. Greatest moments of wit
c. Biggest laughs you’ve gotten
d. Times you’ve been “in the zone”
e. Greatest strengths and talents
f. Recent happenings
g. Notable stories
4. Now select the top 7 moments that give you the best feeling and association, and
write them on your index cart, post-it, or old business card with a blank back.

5. Carry this Confidence Resume around with you. Read it at least once a day in the
mornings, and right before you head into a social situation you might feel slightly
uneasy about.

Example: I remember one time in college at a party at Jay’s dorm room, I felt like I
was on fire. I was super confident, I could say anything I wanted, and I could do no
wrong. We were sober, there were girls, and I felt like I was king of the floor.

Module 1: Actions and Objectives

This is the section of the module where the rubber hits the road. In other words, it’s
where you take action and apply some of the things you’ve learned to real-life
situations and practice normalizing them. Each Module will have a set of Actions and
Objectives for you to accomplish – without them, how would you measure your
progress and know how to implement these skills for yourself? I want to emphasize
that a victory for these Actions and Objectives is to simply do it versus feel good
about it. You can control doing it, and it’s unlikely that you’ll feel good about it
immediately. But notching a certain amount of victories as a result of simple action
is powerful and cumulative.

Perform these Actions in order, make sure you can do them with relative ease, and
THEN move onto the next.

Action 1: Read your Confidence Resume at least once a day in the morning. Mention
at least one of the Confidence Anchors in conversation three times a week in an
indirect manner, such as “Remember that one time I…” or “Have you done X? I did X
last year…”

Action 2: Social confidence is about feeling like you can deal with a situation or
control it to some extent. This Action gives you both – next time you are with a
friend, ask them to either pose in front of something ordinary for a picture, or take a
selfie together for no reason. You don’t need a reason. Just say you want to do it
“Just because.” Do this with each individual you meet for the next few weeks. This
will teach you assertiveness in a small but significant way.

Action 3: Next time you go shopping or order something at a café or restaurant,
instead of simply ordering, ask how the server is. Just one statement, “And how is
your day going so far?” Get into the habit of doing this whenever you have the
opportunity.

Action 4: Next friend or acquaintance you meet, comment on their shoes and ask
them where they got them. It’s time to start pushing the boundaries and building
rapport in a seemingly innocuous way. Remember, a victory here is trying, not
necessarily success.

Module 2: Pre Conversation

Visualization
1. Visualization is an exercise you should partake in before you enter a social
situation. It takes the element of stressful surprise out of it ideally.
2. Devote at least 5 minutes to each portion – there are 2 portions.
3. Watch yourself glide through your ideal scenario. Watch every step from
entering the door, who you will see, how you will deal with strangers, and the
stories you will tell. Feel free to focus on the big picture here and just get a sense
of what you think will happen. What went smoothly, and how do you aspire to
be?
4. Now watch your nightmare scenario. Don’t skip over anything. Hit every tiny
little point and try to answer every question you think will be asked. Think about
what people are likely to say. What are you unprepared for? What are the major
differences in what made it ideal versus a nightmare?
5. Write 5 aspects of the social interaction that you feel you can better prepare for.
For example, if you don’t have a good answer to “How was your weekend?” that’s
something you need to play out and prepare for. What if someone was to ask you
about your job – what kind of answer could you give that isn’t terribly
pessimistic? What if you wanted to talk to some strangers but wasn’t sure what
to say? How would you break the ice? These are all things to note.

Know Your Stories

1. Conversations often follow very predictable patterns, especially at the beginning.
You can use this to your advantage.
2. Prepare mini-stories as answers to the following questions that will most likely
come up during most conversations. Remember that you do not need to answer
these literally – you can feel free to redirect.
a. What are the questions that will always come up with friends and
strangers?
b. How was your weekend?
c. How is your week going?
d. What do you have going on next weekend?
e. How is your day going?
f. How’s work?
g. Where are you from?
h. Where did you go to school?
i. Did you catch the [current events/sporting event]?
3. Rehearse them and think about the “you” you want to present to others.


Example: I may not have done anything last weekend of note, but I did go camping
in the mountains a couple of weeks ago and it was great despite the fact that we
were approached by bears.

Role Models
1. Role models should be seen as concepts to emulate, aim for, and role play as to
take the pressure off of yourself in social situations.
2. Brainstorm 3 people (real, fictional, historical, celebrity, etc.) that you would
consider social and conversational role models.
3. List 3 adjectives for each person, and don’t repeat yourself more than twice.
4. Take all of these adjectives and create an avatar for yourself based on the
demeanor and mannerisms that you want.
5. Give the avatar an absurd name.
6. Begin slowly by asking yourself how this avatar would act in situations when
you find yourself struggling.

Example: Tony Stark, James Bond, Conan O’Brien. Tony Stark: bold, flippant, quick.
Avatar name: Josiah McCharmerson.

Module 2: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: Every day (yes, really), read the passage provided in the video lesson out
loud to yourself three times in the morning. Continue to note the difference and
improvement between the first time and the third time. Take this time to
experiment with types of external stimuli that you feel can raise your alertness and
generally make you feel positive and prepared for social interaction.

Action 2: It’s time to put your stories into use. Pick one to polish and rehearse and
use with at least one person a day. For most, this will be “How was your weekend”
and remember that you should feel free to re-direct it to something that was
interesting and makes conversation easy for the other person.

Action 3: After a few days of conversation, you should have a very good idea of the
questions that you should always have stories prepared for. You should have at least
5 in mind. Rehearse and polish these stories and make sure that you aren’t
necessarily answering the question literally or directly – you’re answering it with
something interesting.

Action 4: After you’ve mastered these sets of stories, come up with a different
version for each, based on different people that you might come across. While it’s
helpful, you can’t use the same story with every person, professional and personal.
What other lines can you distinguish from? Male/female, close/acquaintance,
coworker/supervisor, professional/personal, subdued/outgoing context. You will

also come across the same people more than once, so you can’t tell them the same
stories. You will have somewhere between 10-12 mini stories rehearsed at this
point.

Action 5: Start thinking about your avatar and how they might approach social
situations. At least three times a week, actively do an impersonation of them versus
putting yourself in their shoes. You can do this for short periods of time, such as 5
minutes with close friends. Make it an acting game and try to embody the adjectives
you imbued them with. Practice disassociating yourself from the anxiety and stress
of a situation.



Module 3: Bulletproof First Impressions

The Mirror Test

1. The Mirror Test is about improving your non-verbal signs and making sure they
match your intent and words. Consistency in your message is comforting and
inconsistency makes people doubt and distrust you.
2. Find a mirror and tell the mirror a mini story.
a. Talk about your weekend to the mirror. When you talk about your
weekend, pay attention to your body language and posture.
b. Talk about your vacation plans to the mirror. When you talk about your
vacation plans, pay attention to your level of eye contact.
c. Talk about your family to the mirror. When you talk about your family,
pay attention to your facial expressions (or lack thereof).
d. Talk about your job to the mirror. When you talk about your job, pay
attention to your vocal tonality and expressiveness (or lack thereof).
3. Are you coming off as you want? Are you telling a happy story but have a
monotone vocal tone and expressionless, robotic face? At the very least, match
up the verbal and non-verbal emotions.

Assuming Familiarity
1. We are often held at arm’s length conversationally because we remain formal
and become uncomfortable with rapport. This is how you might act at a
networking event, and guess what? It makes things instantly formal and
uncomfortable. Why not skip that level of “Hi, how do you do? My name is
Patrick.”
2. List out 10 questions you might talk to your friends about – err on the side of
“inappropriate,” “stupid,” or “no one cares about that.” Go wild, please.
3. Now imagine talking to your best coworker friend about them. They are just
people as well. If you’ve connected with them on any level, why wouldn’t they
want to speak about things that normal friends talk about?
4. Can you give any justification not to talk about them other than any of those 3
reasons from above?

Example: I might ask my friends about their dating lives and how they are
progressing. It would not be inappropriate nor stupid to talk about that.

Conversational Analysis
1. Along with predictable conversation patterns based on small talk + formalities, it
is also not that difficult to predict where a conversation topic will take you most

of the time. For example, if you talk about X, you should foresee talking about Y
and Z.
2. Using assumptions as to what the person will feel (assume they agree, disagree,
like it, ask questions, will tell a story, etc.), come up with 8 directions that the
following statements can take you topic-wise.
a. I went skiing with my brother last week.
b. I can’t believe your office is so nice!
c. That’s a great jacket.
d. I hate that café.
e. My favorite activity is painting.


Example: If someone says “That’s a great jacket,” then what are 8 directions you can
predict that the conversation will include? Where was it bought, how much was it,
my jacket, the rest of their outfit, shopping habits, budgeting, expensive versus
frugal clothing – and then as for assumptions, it might go in the direction of “I love
the jacket,” “I hate it actually,” “That reminds me of a time when I bought a jacket…”

Module 3: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: Start performing the mirror test every 2 days. This will give you the chance
to see what you are doing wrong or missing, correct yourself, and then re-evaluate.
The mirror test is a gateway to all of your non-verbal communication, which you
can’t take for granted.

Action 2: You know those 10 questions you wrote out, which you assume are
inappropriate for just unimportant for the people in your life you’ve kept at arm’s
length? It’s time to choose one, and open Pandora’s Box. You will ask one person one
question spontaneously, as if it just came to you off the top of your head. “Oh hey,
random question, but…” It may be easier to ask if you preface it with “I was just
doing this” or “My friend just asked me…”

Action 3: With Action 2, you might have asked the question quickly and then jumped
off of the topic as soon as possible. Not anymore. Action 3 is all about digging deeper
and making this more normal for yourself. With each “inappropriate” or “invasive”
topic, ask at least 4 more questions about it of the other person, including their
opinions, stances, thoughts, and beliefs regarding it. You’ll see that there really is
nothing to fear, and people are far more willing to talk about topics than you think.

Action 4: The importance of eye contact cannot be understated. The first step in this
Action is to complete the eye contact exercise at least 5 times – or as many times as
it takes for the tension to decrease and normalize. Do this frequently and
immediately to get a head start. The next step is of course to experiment with eye

contact while making sure that you don’t have dead eyes, and you are keeping the
correct ratio when speaking or listening.

Action 5: After the conversational analysis exercise, you should be more aware and
cognizant as to where a topic can go. Next conversation where appropriate, you will
say it out loud by acting like you are incredibly curious about the topic you’re your
thoughts can’t stop flowing. The other person will choose to answer one of your
statements, or all of them in turn.

Action 6: Start to phrase the conversational analyses as statements, for example, “I
bet you were thinking [that it was great,] right?” as a way of integrating them more
smoothly into conversation.


Module 4: Breaking The Ice

Social Purposes
1. Social purposes make breaking the ice and socializing in general easier because
they allow you to focus on something besides the interactions themselves. When
you have a reason to speak to someone, it’s easier to simply focus on fulfilling
that purpose versus speaking to someone for the sake of it.
2. List 5 social purposes (reasons and/or justifications) that you can use in the
following scenarios to make breaking the ice easier:
a. The grocery story.
b. At a café.
c. At a networking event.
d. At a friend’s house for a dinner party.
3. If you had a purpose you had to fulfill, the objective is to make that purpose take
precedence over the social anxiety you might feel.

Example: At the grocery store: you can ask for directions, product
recommendations, recipes, where an object is, what you might do with an
ingredient, or where someone got a specific bag.

Indirect Icebreakers
1. Indirect icebreakers take the pressure off because they give you a social purpose.
2. Write out 5 reasons to break the ice by asking for information or an opinion in
the context of a networking event.
3. Write out 5 reasons to break the ice by commenting on a situational observation
in the context of a networking event.
4. Write out 5 reasons to break the ice by asking about a shared circumstance in
the context of a networking event.
5. Come up with 10 indirect icebreaking statements based on the following picture:



Example: In reference to the picture above: Is it just me or do these lights remind
you of Disneyland?

Module 4: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: Since this Module is heavy with social purpose, it’s time to create more
purposes for you to engage with people on. In the next few days, at the first
opportunity, please (1) ask someone who is walking by for the time, (2) ask a
cashier what the store hours are, (3) ask a cashier what their recommendation of
dish is, (4) ask a coworker if they have seen the supervisor that day yet, (5) ask if
people have read the startling news from the night before, and (6) ask someone for
a piece of information you assume they have.

Action 2: Great job in asking people those 6 things. Now you are going to build upon
those 6 simple questions. In this Action, you are going to ask 3 follow up questions
according to how they answer you. At that point, you can share your own thoughts,
or disengage. Build the muscle of assertiveness and breaking the ice.

Action 3: I covered 4 icebreakers in this Module. Use each one in the next week at
least twice. Decide your favorite 2 and then use those at least 3 times in the
following week.

Action 4: Break the ice solely by commenting on an observation about someone –
their appearance, manner of speaking, vocal tone, mood, or energy level. For
example, “You seem a little X today because of Y.” Look beyond surface level and find
observations that are actually insightful and not just about the shirt they are
wearing. Do this three times a week.

Action 5: Scavenger hunt time! This is an extension of all the Actions in the Module.
You are going to have a social purpose, but not one that is directly socially normal or
acceptable. If you’ve ever participated in a scavenger hunt, you’ll know what I mean.
You will be walking up to people and asking them for uncommon or shocking things,
for the purpose of completing your list: (1) ask a stranger if they know where to buy
eggs, (2) ask a stranger if they prefer Android or iPhone, (3) ask a stranger to take a
picture of you and a friend jumping in the air, (4) ask a stranger to hold a bag for you
for some plausible reason, (5) ask a stranger for change for a $5 dollar bill.


Module 5: Crushing Small Talk

Curiosity
1. Curiosity should be your default mode. It’s what drives engagement and lets
people shine. When was the last time you were really curious about someone?
It’s probably been a while! We get stuck in our typical conversation tracks that
we never bother to think outside the box in terms of other people. The following
step should be EASY, but it’s not because we don’t exercise these muscles.
2. Construct 15 questions from the following statement:
a. I went skiing last weekend with my brother.
3. Dig deep and think about non-generic ways to engage and be curious. It’s a
whole other person in front of you! You have all the reason to be curious!

Example: If the statement is “I went skiing last weekend with my brother,” what are
some easy questions you can ask? Have you skied much in your life, are you and
your brother close, and did that take up your whole weekend?

HPM, SBR, EDR

1. HPM stands for History-Philosophy-Metaphor. They relate to you and can be
used to answer just about anything.
2. SBR stands for Specific-Broad-Related. They relate more to the topic in front of
you and the other person’s interests.
3. EDR stands for Emotion-Detail-Restate. They relate more of the other person
and how they are feeling.
4. Construct an HPM, EDR, and SBR statement for each of the following statements.
Refer to the video lesson or the PDF of the slides for key phrases if you are
having trouble.
a. I went skiing last weekend with my brother.
b. I spilled coffee all over my white t-shirt.
c. I heard about a guy who ran a marathon and then fainted.
d. When I saw the movie, I thought it was mediocre.
e. I’m hungry for pizza.

For example, H for “I’m hungry for pizza” would be: Last time I had pizza…”

Free Association
1. One of the keys to keeping conversation flowing, especially with the M and R
portions, is free association with words, concepts, and phrases. The idea is that
thinking purely in terms of conceptual relation, you can better think of topics to

talk about. Concepts are easier to think about than topics and questions, even
though they are exactly the same thing.
2. AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, free associate 20 (yeah, it’s a lot, but it serves a
purpose here) concepts, words, phrases, nouns, places, things, etc., with the
following statements:
a. I love cats.
b. The rain in Spain.
c. I drew a picture of the mountains.
d. I dropped my toast on the ground butter side first.
3. The point is to not overthink and just associate. You can replicate this process
with the most complex of concepts.

Example: dogs: cat, kennel, pit bull, corgi, pooping, poop bags, leashes, shake, paw,
tricks, dog bed.

Permutations
1. There are essentially 9 ways to respond to anything – 10 if you add in
compliments. But which work for you, and which do you stay away from most of
the time?
2. List the 4 that you feel most comfortable with out of HPM SBR EDR.
3. List the 4 you feel the least comfortable with out of HPM SBR EDR.
4. Create 2 combinations – mix the comfortable and uncomfortable elements.
Practice these altogether, and make sure there is a balance of elements that are
internal versus external-focused. HPM is internal, and SBR and EDR are external.

Module 5: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: You might think you’re curious, but you’re still not conveying that to other
people by simply asking them more questions. In order to make sure you are more
curious, force yourself to abide by this structure for your next few conversations:
question, question, question, question, THEN you can share something about your
experience or your opinion on the matter. Do this at least once a day.

Action 2: Free association helps to disassociate yourself from the situation and topic
and just think in terms of topical relations. It’s tough to do this in the moment, but
that’s what you are going to do. When someone starts on a new conversation topic,
just say OUT LOUD what the topic reminds you of – 3 topics. This is free association
in real life. After you say them out loud, then keep talking about their direct topic.
This is to build the habit of free association for topics. For example, “Skiing? That
makes me think of Sonny Bono, the Olympics, and snow. So when was the last time
you went skiing before that?”


Action 3: It’s time to start mixing the 9 frameworks and putting together a
permutation for you, if you haven’t done it for yourself yet. But even if you’ve done it
for yourself, it’s likely you’ve stayed within your comfort zone, and aren’t actually
using the 9 frameworks to your advantage. Thus, start here: B, S, B, P, S, B, H, D, R.
Use that in a conversation at least 3 times this week. If you have to hold an index
card or have the conversation by phone so you can refer to the structure, that’s fine.
Get it done.

Action 4: Good job. This is where the rubber really hits the road and you start to get
practice. Here are two more permutations to use: (1) S, B, H, S, R, (2) R, H, B, S, P. Get
used to plugging and playing in these different frameworks and you truly will never
run out of things to say.

Action 5: You can also keep it simple here. Phase one has 2 components: breaking
the ice, and then making an additional comment. Phase two has 5 components:
breaking the ice, making a comment, asking 2 questions, and then sharing about
yourself. Find the structure that makes sense for yourself. You can rely on these
structures more than you think.




Module 6: Avoiding Awkward Silence

Leading the Interaction

1. Leading the interaction is when you take ownership and responsibility over
filling the gaps and silences. It forces you take to take the leadership role in a
conversation.
2. Suppose that the prior statement was about increasing pollution, and the below
statements are how people have replied. Fill in the following gaps and introduce
a new element to lead the interaction somewhere interesting. It is your duty to
make something out of nothing from these pauses.
a. So yeah, it was pretty bad.
b. Very interesting.
c. Oh, I see.
d. I see your point.
e. Cool, that’s cool.
3. Pay special attention to the phrase you use to pick up where they dropped the
ball and transition into your new topic.

For example, to pick up the slack after someone says “Oh, I see,” you might say “So
anyway, pollution is interesting. How has work been?”

Specific Statements
1. Extremely broad, open-ended questions can be conversation kryptonite because
people simply can’t answer questions without some direction. When people try
to answer broad questions, they try to stay broad and essentially say nothing.
2. Transform the following broad questions into 2 specific statements that you can
use in conversation. Go through the progression of first writing a more specific
question, and then turning it into a statement. Remember that you are making an
implied assumption here, as opposed to a direct question. You are making a
read/guess on them, instead of asking the question.
a. What do you like to do for fun?
b. What’s your favorite movie?
c. What is your favorite hobby?
d. What is your passion?
e. So what do you think about life?
3. Remember, the key is to make your statements easy to answer and relatable.

Example: What is your passion: (1) You seem like you really enjoy being active and
outdoors. (2) You seem like you love fitness and hate days where you do nothing.


Callbacks
1. Callbacks are when you link two seemingly unrelated topics together to share
one context.
2. To practice finding either causal or relational links between different topics, list
of 4 ways the following pairs of topics are linked.
a. Dogs and cars
b. Sports and alcohol
c. Work and zoos
d. Shoes and children
e. Shopping for clothing and McDonald’s
f. Hairspray and glasses
g. Coffee and Russia

Example: Coffee and Russia: Ever wonder if the coffee in Russia takes on a faint
vodka texture?

Module 6: Action and Objectives

Action 1: Put leading the interaction into practice! This is all about transition
phrases and phases. If you know how to transition smoothly and what to transition
into, then you can lead flawlessly. Focus on the transition and bridging sentences
you use in your conversations, the ones that make sure that there are no silences.

Action 2: For your next conversation, take a physical observation about the other
person, and make an assumption as a specific statement. Do this at least twice per
conversation, and note how they react to describe their feelings on the assumption.

Action 3: Next conversation, actively make an effort to combine different topics to
create a callback. Start your sentence with, “It’s funny you mention [topic #2],
because [topic #1]…” Callbacks depend on combining topics that may not seem
related at first glance – but with a tiny bit of maneuvering, you can make them
related and appear genius and witty for it. Do this at least once a day, even if you
don’t have the answer in mind already. You may start slow, but this tactic is a
comedy gold mine.

Action 4: Take a deep breath and just observe awkward silences unfold before your
face. Observe how you can easily create one – by simply acknowledging or replying
without adding something for the other person to use. Now observe how little it
takes to prevent them, and how easy it can be if you just ask a question or follow up
on what they said.


Module 7: Keeping a Conversation Going

Reflective and Active Listening

1. The main focus here is to put the spotlight on someone else and let them engage
by talking about themselves as much as possible.
2. You can use reflective and active listening to simply rephrase, summarize, or
repeat their words back to them.
3. Say as little as possible, while prompting them to say as much as possible. This is
the important part. What phrases do you find yourself using to make this
happen?
4. Please complete this at least twice a week. Restrain yourself from speaking and
focus on listening with intent. Make it your purpose to speak as little as possible.

Big, Shocked Reactions

1. Proper reactions are a byproduct of good listening and reading people.
2. For each of the following statements, list the primary emotion that you should be
reacting with, and then list 3 phrases you can verbally express that with.
a. And then that waitress was so rude!
b. My coworker is just the most annoying person.
c. I couldn’t believe that the dog then peed on him.
d. Afterwards, the bartender said he’d never seen anything like it!
e. It was so impressive and amazing at the same time.

Example: Afterwards, the bartender said he’d never seen anything like it!: the
primary emotion is shock and awe. A phrase would be “I can’t believe it! That’s
crazy!”

Commonalities and Cold Reads

1. Commonalities create familiarity, and familiarity creates comfort and rapport.
2. Make 2 cold reads (that are not offensive) for each of the following descriptions
of people:
a. Tired, messy hair, incorrectly buttoned shirt.
b. Holding a tennis racket, wearing sneakers, and spandex everything.
c. Shoes and pants have fur and mud all over them.
d. Three-piece suit with an expensive leather briefcase and two phones.
3. How can you use a cold read that also has a commonality?

Module 7: Actions and Objectives


Action 1: This is another area where reality may not meet perception. How much are
you focusing on the other person? Active and reflective listening will force you to
face that reality. Your next conversation, make it your goal to say as little as
possible, while implementing the active listening techniques you’ve learned. While
you say as little as possible, focus on asking good questions to get them to speak as
much as possible. Pretend you are their psychologist, or a detective asking for
details. Keep that conversation going for as long as possible. See the power of active
listening and how giving the other person the spotlight can make an interaction
flow.

Action 2: Go ahead and give the shocked reaction a try. The next time someone gives
you a piece of new knowledge, explains something to you, or surprises you, give
them a shocked reaction. Make it big and use phrases like, “I can’t believe that!” or “I
never thought about it that way!” or “That changes my entire view, completely!”
Watch their reaction, and think about the difference between that and your normal
reaction.

Action 3: Make each of the following cold reads on people in the next week: a read
based on their appearance, a read based on the general context or environment, a
read based on the weather, a read based on their clothing, and a read based on what
you think their mood is.

Action 4: Fish for commonalities by your normal question asking routine. It is
inevitable that you find one. When you find one, emphasize it and bring attention to
it, “It’s so cool that we have X in common. [question about X].” This structure will
serve you will and deepen people’s feelings of familiarity and comfort.





Module 8: The Art of Being Captivating

The Goal of Entertainment

1. Entertainment should almost always be the goal of conversation, first and
foremost. There are many more ways to accomplish that goal than to achieve
sales, for example.
2. List 10 questions to ask someone you would consider a good friend. The more
intimate the better.
3. Now, ask how you would receive those questions from a coworker or
acquaintance you don’t know that well if they were delivered properly. This is
similar to homework from an earlier module, but warrants a repeat. At this stage
in the course, do you have a different conception of what is appropriate and
available to talk about? Are you still staying vanilla? If so, for what purpose?

Hypotheticals
1. Hypotheticals are fictional scenarios you pose to people to introduce a new line
of conversation and solicit their opinion. You should also have an answer to the
hypothetical you pose. Think outside the box and be creative. Don’t just rely on
the immediate context and what you can see visually. What other child-like,
playful questions can you ask people?
2. Pose 3 hypotheticals if you were to find yourself in the following contexts:
a. At a boring work event.
b. At a boring party.
c. In an extremely loud café.
d. In terrible traffic.
e. Helping someone move to a new home.

Example: In terrible traffic: What would you do if you could fly over this traffic, but
only at 5 miles per hour?

Interesting Answers to Boring Questions

1. Just like there are conversation patterns, there are questions that seem to solicit
dry and boring answers. You can plan ahead for these to instantly allow your
conversation to take an unconventional turn. Why would you subject someone to
a boring story about your family when you can easily think of an engaging one?
2. Come up with two interesting, short, punchy, and soundbite-worthy ways to
answer the following boring questions:
a. What do you do?
b. Where are you from?
c. Where did you go to school?

d. How was your weekend?
e. What’s your favorite hobby?
f. Do you have siblings?

Example: Do you have siblings?: I did grow up with someone that used to dress me
up as a girl when I was little, yes.

Entertaining Introductions
1. When you are brokering introductions between two strangers, you can ease the
transition if you can simply make them interesting to each other.
2. List 3 interesting facts about the 5 people you are most likely to run into
tomorrow – coworkers, friends, classmates, significant others, etc.
3. Think about unique experiences, interesting accomplishments, personality
quirks, and oddball hobbies.

Example: Jane, this is Hal. Hal is best known around the office for his karaoke
rendition of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

Analogies
1. Analogies can be helpful comparisons for clarity and to show cleverness.
2. Choose and develop 3 topics that you can use as analogies, and list out 10 of their
main traits, associations, and terms.
3. Put the following topics into the context of your chosen topics:
a. Tom Cruise
b. Disney Movies.
c. College tuition.
d. Moving to a new job.
e. Cooking pasta.

Example: Suppose that my analogy is working out. Cooking pasta: that pasta is about
as strong as my arms feel right now.

Personality Questions
1. These are questions that give an insight into someone’s personality, despite
seeming like non-sequiturs.
2. Formulate an answer to each of the following, and a brief explanation of what
you think it says about you.
a. What was your childhood dream job?
b. Do you like cats or dogs more?
c. What’s your safe place?
d. What is your ideal week off work?
e. What are your big guilty pleasures?


Example: I like cats a lot more. I think it might say that I’m solitary and like my alone
time… maybe. What do you think?

Pop Culture and Current Events

1. This is too easy; these are topics you know will come up at some point. Do a little
bit of research and be able to converse about anything.
2. For the current week (and each following week, really), find the 10 most salient
and impactful events and/or topics. List them.
3. Perform a bit more research, and for each of the 10 topics/events:
a. Formulate an opinion or stance.
b. Find a relatively obscure fact.
4. You need to consume more.

Example: That football game was great, I was secretly happy when that player
stormed off the field in rage. Did you know that player grew up playing football with
a can of beans?

Module 8: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: It’s time to take a bold step and be captivating. Ask a closer friend the
questions that you may have listed above as invasive and “inappropriate.” Ask all of
them, with a genuine face of curiosity, and observe how they answer. Then, take the
top 3 and ask a coworker you are on good terms with the same questions. We are all
but human. To be captivating, you need more interesting conversation topics.

Action 2: For your next conversation, use two hypotheticals. Use them in an offhand
manner, like you just wanted their feedback spontaneously. Prepare an answer for
yourself, and you can even use the hypothetical as the ice breaker. You can use a
personality question instead of a hypothetical as well. You can also ask people their
opinions, stances, or hypotheticals in terms of pop culture or current events, such as
how they would react in a certain situation.





Module 10: How to Witty Banter

Sarcasm
1. Sarcasm is when you say or imply the opposite of what’s occurring or being felt
to make a point or be humorous.
2. It is a two-step process. First, you state the current situation. Second, you state a
consequence that occurs when the opposite is true.
3. Apply the two step process to create 3 sarcastic statements for the following
statements:
a. Brr, it’s freezing today!
b. The traffic is so bad this hour.
c. I have so many emails right now.
d. I can’t wait for this day to end, I’m so tired.
e. My jacket is so thin.
f. “I’m so hungry that I could eat… you.”
g. [A car zooms by, nearly hitting you]
h. [Your friend runs up to you as fast as possible, panting]
i. [Someone yells loudly at you and your friend]
j. [Server hands you a plate of very cold fries]

Example: Step one: It is freezing today. Step two: Almost wore my sunglasses and
sandals today!

Self-Deprecation
1. Self-deprecation is when you deflect someone’s jab at you in a humorous
manner.
2. This is also a two-step process. First, you state what someone is saying in plain
terms. Second, you agree with it and amplify it to the absurd.
3. Construct 2 self-deprecating deflections for each of the following statements:
a. Your cooking is terrible.
b. That’s a weird haircut.
c. You drive like you are 70-years old.
d. Your taste in movies is like a fifth grader’s.
e. Nice chins.

Example: I am fat and have many chins. My chins have their own orbit, you better
not get too close.


Amplifying
1. Amplifying is otherwise known as back and forth bantering, and it’s when you
create an amplification chain that continues until one person breaks.
2. Take the following statements and create amplification chains that go 10
statements deep. Remember that to begin, sometimes you have to misconstrue
something intentionally.
a. I love that shirt.
b. My coffee just burned my tongue.
c. That cat is so mean and callous.
d. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken a vacation.

Example: That cat is so mean. It’s like he has a grudge against you, what did you do?
All I did was kick him last time I saw him, that’s it. Yeah, but didn’t you kick him with
spiky boots?

Instigating
1. This is when you make a big deal out of something trivial to introduce humor
and catch someone off-guard.
2. All you are doing is disagreeing with someone on a trivial opinion or stance they
present.
3. Create instigator statements for each of the following statements:
a. I just ordered a ham sandwich.
b. I was admiring that guy’s shoes.
c. Isn’t that dog super cute?
d. What about this restaurant?
e. My favorite color has to be blue.
4. Delivery is key to making clear that you are joking.

Example: HAM? The worst meat known to man?!

Role Play
1. This is when you assign roles to each party. You begin by putting yourself into a
subordinate role (this is the easiest), and then stay in the roles until someone
breaks – much like amplification.
2. For each of the following scenarios, write out the compliment, the roles that are
assigned, and then write out the role play conversation 4 statements deep:
a. Someone is a math whiz.
b. Someone cooks an amazing meal.
c. Someone is great at planning and navigating for a trip.
d. Someone has decorated their home in a very quirky way.


Example: You’re such a math whiz. You’re great at math. I think you’re my official
tutor whenever a test is coming up! It comes with a small stipend, is that okay with
you? I assume you’re properly credentialed?

Module 10: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: Use these all in conversation! Start with one at a time – focus on one for 1-
2 days, at least, and a few conversations. The move to the next, otherwise it’s too
easy to get your wires crossed and lose track of why each tactic works. You might
even be slow at first, but break down all of these tactics and go through the steps
involved in real life conversations. Besides the homework, application of these
tactics is how you think quickly on your feet and become known as someone who is
great at witty banter. Try the out one at a time.



Bonus Module 1: Dealing with Conflict

The Third Story

1. The Third Story of a version of the conflict that assumes that both parties are at
fault. It is an objective bystander’s story that exists without bias.
2. Find (1) the Third Story, and (2) alternate explanations for each of the following
statements:
a. He never washes dishes and always waits for me to do them!
b. I can’t believe that guy stole my parking spot.
c. She’s really inconsiderate and always ignores my requests.
d. Why do they always shaft us in the rankings?

Softening Your Impact

1. There is no perfect line you can deliver, but you can soften your impact when
you speak with tact and grace.
2. Turn the following statements into 2 consequences that the actions have on you,
versus a condemnation of their actions:
a. Someone keeps a mess in your designated areas.
b. Someone is very loud in the mornings.
c. Someone uses the bathroom for hours at a time.
d. Someone keeps interrupting you at work.

Example: I just feel like I can’t focus or get anything done when I don’t have
interrupted time to work, and I’m having to work late at night at home too.



Bonus Module 2: Instantly Build Rapport

Conversation Threading
1. This is when you work with what’s directly been given to you, and go on a
tangent that has been provided by the other person.
2. Find all of tangential threads in the following statements and create 2 questions
for each of them.
a. I drank coffee with my brother while it was raining.
b. He bought a new suit and the wool was from Italy.
c. My favorite book is The Giver, with Twilight in a close second.
d. I can’t wait to buy a new car; I want a black Hummer with a sunroof.

Example: With statement A, the possible tangents are coffee, brother, and rain. What
kind of coffee, and are you a big coffee drinker? Where does your brother live, and
are you and your brother close? Was it raining hard, and do you love the rain like I
do?

Asking For Stories

1. Not all questions are created equally, so make sure yours are good by soliciting
stories instead of mere statements or answers.
2. Turn each of the following statements into a series of 4 similar questions that all
ask for stories as opposed to answers:
a. Did you like that?
b. Which was your favorite?
c. How was the meal?
d. When did you discover that?

Example: Did you like that? What was your favorite part of it? How did you feel
when it ended? Are you surprised by the ending?

Leaving Details
1. Sometimes, we are the ones who are the problem in conversation; we are
making it difficult for others.
2. For each of the following questions, weave at least 4 distinct details into your
answer so others have more to ask about:
a. What did you do over the weekend?
b. How was the restaurant?
c. Did you have a good time?
d. Where are you from?


Example: The restaurant was really great. It was the third time I’d been there, and
while the drinks were really weak, the meat was awesome and we had this waiter
who kept referring to us as “the best-ordering couple he’d ever seen.”

Bonus Module: Actions and Objectives

Action 1: Use conversation threading in your next conversation. Do it at least 5 times
in the conversation consecutively. Notice how this takes the focus off of you, and
keeps the focus on whatever they are talking about. You are asking questions about
any element of their statement, and keeping the conversation flowing. For the first
few conversations, do conversation threading with just questions – ask people
questions about their tangents. For the next phase, (1) acknowledge a tangent, (2)
share something short about it, and (3) THEN ask your question about it. It’s scary
how few elements a conversation can contain.

Action 2: Your next conversation, make it your goal to get as many stories as
possible. Imagine you want to get the OPPOSITE of one-word answers. How might
you ask questions of people to elicit that kind of response? Practice generating
additional similar questions so people have a lot to respond to and will take on as
much as they can.

Action 3: The next time someone asks how your weekend was, make sure you have
at least 3 distinct details in it. The same with the following questions: what are you
doing this upcoming weekend, how was your day, how is your family, and so on.
This also fits our framework of making sure that you are giving an INTERESTING
answer versus a literal answer – you can give an interesting answer, as well as add 3
details.

Action 4: Interrupting is indeed a secret weapon. Why? Because it shows that you
feel so strongly about something that you can’t keep it inside! But you can’t do it too
often or you look self-indulgent and self-absorbed. Your Action is to interrupt each
person you talk to only once – keep that balance. And only interrupt to finish their
sentence WITH them, or to agree with them to the highest degree. You can do this
on things as little as the weather, or how they feel about their sandwich. Start small.