10 Commandments of Good Parenting

Does your child have behavior problems? Your relationship with your child
likely needs some attention.
By Jeanie Lerche Davis
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD
WebMD Archive
You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something -- and she wants
it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.

In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based
on the top social science research -- some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child
behaviorproblems, he says.

After all, what is the goal when you're dealing with children? To show who's boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child
develop into a decent, self-confident human being?

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness,
says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children
from developinganxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.

"Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science," says Steinberg, who is a
distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles
he outlines "is very, very consistent," he tells WebMD.

Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg
says. Children should never be hit -- not even a slap on a toddler's bottom, he tells WebMD. "If your young child is
headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him."

Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn't agree
more. She offered a few of her own insights. "Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of
times that meant using really harsh discipline," she tells WebMD.

A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child's actions -- including child behavior problems,
Natale explains. "If you don't have a good relationship with your child, they're not going to listen to you. Think how
you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their
opinions, and agree with them. If it's someone we just don't like, we will ignore their opinion."

Steinberg's 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children -- coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.

Being a parent can be one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences
of your life, but that doesn't mean it's easy. No matter what age your
child/children is/are, your work is never done. To be a good parent, you need
to know how to make your children feel valued and loved, while teaching
them the difference between right and wrong. At the end of the day, the
most important thing is to create a nurturing environment where your
children feel like they can thrive and develop into confident, independent,
and caring adults. If you want to know how to be a good parent, see Step 1
to be on your way
Part 1 of 3: Loving Your Child

1.

1. 1

Give your child love and affection. Sometimes the best thing you can give
your child is love and affection. A warm touch or a caring hug can let your
child know how much you really care about him or her. Don't ever overlook
how important a physical connection is when it comes to your child. Here
are some ways to show love and affection:

 A gentle cuddle, a little encouragement, appreciation, approval or

even a smile can go a long way to boost the confidence and well-being of
your children.
 Tell them you love them every day, no matter how angry at them
you may be.
 Give lots of hugs and some kisses. Make your children
comfortable with love and affection from birth.
  Love them unconditionally; don't force them to be who you think
they should be in order to earn your love. Let them know that you will
always love them no matter what.

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2
Praise your children. Praising your children is an important part of being a
good parent. You want your kids to feel proud of their accomplishments and
good about themselves. If you don't give them the confidence they need to
be out in the world on their own, then they won't feel empowered to be
independent or adventurous. When they do something good, let them know
that you've noticed and that you're very proud of them.

 Make a habit of praising your children at least three times as

much as you give them negative feedback. Though it's important to tell your
children when they're doing something wrong, it's also important to help
them build a positive sense of self.
 If they are too young to fully understand, praise them with
applause and lots of love. Encouraging them for doing everything from
 using the potty to getting good grades can help them lead a happy and
successful life.
 Avoid blanket phrases like "Good job!". Instead provide
descriptive praise which lets them know exactly what is being appreciated.
For example "You did great taking turns with your sister while playing" or
"Thank you for cleaning up the toys after playing with them!"

1.

2.

 Avoid blanket phrases like "Good job!". Instead provide

descriptive praise which lets them know exactly what is being appreciated.
For example "You did great taking turns with your sister while playing" or
"Thank you for cleaning up the toys after playing with them!"

.
 3
Avoid comparing your children to others, especially siblings. Each child is
individual and unique. Celebrate their differences and instill in each child
the desire to pursue their interests and dreams. Failure to do so may give
your child an inferiority complex, an idea that they can never be good
enough in your eyes. If you want to help them improve their behavior, talk
about meeting their goals on their own terms, instead of telling them to act
like their sister or neighbor. This will help them develop a sense of self
instead of having an inferiority complex.

 Comparing one child to another can also make one child develop
a rivalry with his or her sibling. You want to nurture a loving relationship
between your children, not a competitive one.
 Avoid favoritism. Surveys have shown that most parents have
favorites, but most children believe that they are the favorite. If your
children are quarreling, don't choose sides, but be fair and neutral.
 Overcome natural birth order tendencies by making each child
responsible for themselves. Put older kids in charge of the younger one
stokes sibling rivalry, whereas making them take responsibility for
themselves encourages individuality and self-reliance.

.
 1. 4

Listen to your children. It's important that your communication with your
children goes both ways. You shouldn't just be there to enforce rules, but to
listen to your children when they are having a problem. You have to be able
to express interest in your children and involve yourself in their life. You
should create an atmosphere in which your children can come to you with a
problem, however large or small.

 You can even set aside a time to talk to your children every day.
This can be before bedtime, at breakfast, or during a walk after school.
Treat this time as sacred and avoid checking your phone or getting
distracted.
 If your child says he has to tell you something, make sure you
take this seriously and drop everything you're doing, or set up a time to talk
when you can really listen.

.
 5
1. Make time for your children. Be careful not to stifle or smother them,
however. There's a big difference between protecting someone and
imprisoning them within your too unyielding demands. You want them to
feel like your time together is sacred and special without making them feel
like they are forced to spend time with you.

 Spend time with each child individually. Try to divide your time
equally if you have more than one child.
 Listen and respect your child and respect what they want to do
with their life. Remember though, you are the parent. Children need
boundaries. A child who has been allowed to behave as they please and had
their every whim indulged will struggle in adult life when they have to obey
the rules of society. You are NOT a bad parent if you don't allow your
children to have everything they want. You can say no but you should
provide a reason for saying no or offer an alternative. "Because I said so" is
an invalid reason!
 Set aside a day to go to a park, theme parks, museum or library
depending on their interests.
 Attend school functions. Do homework with them. Visit their
teacher at open house/parents evening to get a sense of how they are doing
in school.
.

6
1. Be there for the milestones. You may have a hectic work schedule, but
you should do everything you can to be there for the important moments in
your children's lives, from their ballet recitals to their high school
graduation. Remember that children grow fast and that they'll be on their
own before you know it. Your boss may or may not remember that you
missed that meeting, but your child will most certainly remember that you
didn't attend the play they were in. Though you don't actually have to drop
everything for your children, you should at least always try to be there for
the milestones.

 If you were too busy to be there for your child's first day of school
or another important milestone, you may regret it for the rest of your life.
And you don't want your child to remember his high school graduation as
the time when his mom or dad couldn't show up.

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Part 2 of 3: Being a Good Disciplinarian

1.

1.

2. 1

Enforce reasonable rules. Enforce rules that apply to every person leading
a happy and productive life — not model rules of your ideal person. It's
important to set rules and guidelines that help your child develop and grow
without being so strict that your child feels like he can't take a step
without doing something wrong. Ideally, your child should love you more
than he fears your rules.

 Communicate your rules clearly. Children should be very familiar

with the consequences of their actions. If you give them a punishment, be
sure they understand the reason and the fault; if you cannot articulate the
reason and how they are at fault the punishment will not have the
discouraging effects you desire.
  Make sure that you not only set reasonable rules, but that you
enforce them reasonably. Avoid overly harsh forms of punishment,
ridiculously stringent punishments for minor infractions, or anything that
involves physically hurting your child.

1.

2. 2

Control your temper as much as you can. It's important to try to be as calm
and reasonable as you can when you explain your rules or carry them out.
You want your children to take you seriously, not fear you or think of you as
unstable. Obviously, this can be quite a challenge, especially when your
children are acting out or just driving you up the wall, but if you feel
yourself getting ready to raise your voice, take a break, excuse yourself or
let your kids know that you are beginning to get upset.
  We all lose our tempers and feel out of control, sometimes. If you
do or say something you regret, you should apologize to your children,
letting them know that you've made a mistake. If you act like the behavior
is normal, then they will try to mimic it.

1.

2. 3

Be consistent. It's important to enforce the same rules all the time, and to
resist your child's attempts to manipulate you into making exceptions. If
you let your child do something he or she is not supposed to do just
because he or she is throwing a tantrum, then this shows that your rules
are breakable. If you find yourself saying, "Okay, but only once..." more than
once, then you have to work on maintaining more consistent rules for your
children.
  If your child feels like your rules are breakable, he'll have no
incentive to stick to them.

1. 4

Be a united front with your spouse. If you have a spouse, then it's important
that your children think of you as a united front — as two people who will
both say "yes" or "no" to the same things. If your kids think that their
mother will always say yes and their father will say no, then they'll think
that one parent is "better" or more easily manipulated than the other. They
should see you and your spouse as a unit so there's order in your high
school, and so you don't find yourself in a difficult situation because you
and your spouse don't agree on certain things when it comes to raising the
kids.

 This doesn't mean that you and your house have to agree 100%
about everything having to do with the kids. But it does mean that you
should work together to solve problems that involve the children, instead of
being pitted against each other.
 You shouldn't argue with your spouse in front of the children. If
they are sleeping, argue quietly. Children may feel insecure and fearful
when they hear parents bickering. In addition, children will learn to argue
with each other the same way they hear their parents argue with each
other. Show them that when people disagree, they can discuss their
differences peacefully.

5
Provide order for your children. Your kids should feel like there's a sense of
order and a logic to things in their household and in their family life. This
can help them feel safe and at peace and to live a happy life both in and
outside of their home. Here are some ways that you can provide order for
your children:

 Set boundaries such as bedtimes and curfews, so they learn that

they have limitations. By doing so, they actually get a sense of being loved
and cared about by their parents. They might rebel at those boundaries, but
inwardly enjoy knowing that concerned parents guide and love them.
 Encourage responsibility by giving them jobs or "chores" to do
and as a reward for those jobs give them some kind of privilege (money,
 extended curfew, extra play time, etc.). As "punishment" for not doing these
jobs, they have the corresponding privilege revoked. Even the youngest of
children can learn this concept of reward or consequence. As your child
grows, give them more responsibilities and more rewards or consequences
for completing those responsibilities or ignoring them.
 Teach them what is right and wrong. If you are religious, take
them to the religious institute that you follow. If you are an atheist or an
agnostic, teach them your moral stance on things. In either case, don't be
hypocritical or be prepared for your child to point out that you are not
"practicing what you preach".

6
Criticize your child's behavior, not your child. It's important to criticize your
children's actions, instead of your actual child. You want your child to learn
that he or she can accomplish whatever he or she wants through his or her
behavior, instead of being stuck being one kind of person. Let him or her
feel like he has the agency to improve his behavior.

 When your child acts out in a harmful and spiteful manner, tell
him or her that suchbehavior is unacceptable and suggest alternatives.
 Avoid statements such as: "You're bad." Instead, say something like, "It was
very wrong to be mean to your little sister." Explain why the behavior was
bad.
 Be assertive yet kind when pointing out what they have done
wrong. Be stern and serious, but not cross or mean, when you tell them
what you expect.
 Avoid public humiliation. If they misbehave in public, take them
aside, and scold them privately.

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Part 3 of 3: Helping Your Child Build Character

1.

1
Teach your children to be independent. Teach your children that it is okay
for them to be different, and they do not have to follow the crowd. Teach
them right from wrong when they are young, and they will (more often than
not) be able to make their own decisions, instead of listening to or following
others. Remember that your child is not an extension of yourself. Your child
 is an individual under your care, not a chance for you to relive your life
through them.

 When your children get old enough to make decisions for

themselves, you should encourage them to choose which extra-curricular
activities they want to do or what friends they want to play with. Unless
you think an activity is very dangerous, or a playmate is a very bad
influence, you should let your children figure things out for themselves.
 A child may have an opposite disposition, ie: introverted when
you are extroverted, for instance, and will not be able to fit into the pattern
and style that you choose, and will make his or her own decisions instead.
 They need to learn that their own actions have consequences
(good and bad). By doing so, it helps them to become good decision makers
and problem solvers so that they are prepared for independence and
adulthood.
 Don't routinely do things for your children that they can learn to
do for themselves. While getting them a glass of water before bed is a nice
way to make them get to sleep faster, don't do it so often that they come to
expect it.

.
 2
Be a good role model. If you want your child to be well-behaved, then you
should model the behavior and character you hope your children will adopt
and continue to live by the rules that you set. Show them by example in
addition to verbal explanations. Children have a tendency to become what
they see and hear unless they make a conscious and concerted effort to
break the mold. You don't have to be a perfect person, but you should strive
to do as you want your children to do, so you don't look hypocritical if you
tell your children to be polite to others when they find you getting in a
heated argument in the supermarket.

 It's perfectly okay to make mistakes, but you should apologize or

let your child know that the behavior is not good. You can say something
like, "Mommy didn't mean to yell at you. She was just very upset." This is
better than ignoring that you made a mistake, because that will show the
child that he or she should model this behavior.
 Want to teach kids about charity? Get involved and take your kids
with you to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter and help serve up meals.
Explain to them why you do acts of charity so they understand why they
should.
 Teach kids about chores by setting a schedule and having them
help you out. Don't tell your child to do something, but ask for their help.
The earlier they learn to help you, the longer they will be willing to.
 If you want your son or daughter to learn to share, set a good
example and share your things with them.
 .

3
Respect your child's privacy. Respect their privacy as you would want them
to respect yours; for example, if you teach your child that your room is out
of boundaries to them, respect the same with their room. Allow them to feel
that once they enter their room they can know that no one will look through
their drawers, or read their diary. This will teach them to honor their own
space and to respect the privacy of others.

 If your child catches you snooping through his or her things, then
it may take him a long time to be able to truly trust you again.
 .

4
Encourage your children to have a healthy lifestyle. It's important to make
sure that your children eat healthy food as much as they can, that they get
plenty of exercise, and that they get enough rest every night. You should
encourage positive and healthy behavior without harping on it too much or
making it seem like you're forcing your children to eat or act a certain way.
Be the adviser, not the dictator. Let them come to these conclusions on
their own while helping them see the meaning and importance of a healthy
life.

 One way to encourage them to exercise is to get them to play a

sport early on in life, so they find a passion that is also healthy.
 If you start over-explaining to the child that something is
unhealthy or that they shouldn't get it, they may take it the wrong way and
feel like you are condemning them. Once this happens, they may no longer
want to eat with you, and they may feel bad eating around you, which could
make them want to sneak and hide junk food from you.
 When trying to enforce healthy eating habits, start it at a younger
age. Giving rewards of candy to children may create a bad habit, because
 once they get older, some may feel they should reward themselves which
can lead to obesity. While they are young, start them out with healthier
snacks. Instead of chips, try goldfish (crackers), grapes, etc.
 The eating habits they learn as they are younger are the ones
they continue to have. Emphasize on finishing their plates, and teach them
to take a small portion at a time; they can always take more afterwards,
but they can't put food back after it has been on their plate.

5
Emphasize moderation and responsibility when it comes to alcohol
consumption. You can start talking about this even when children are
young. Explain that they will have to wait until they are old enough to enjoy
a drink with friends, and talk about the importance of designated drivers.
Failure to discuss these issues early sometimes contributes to sneaking
and dangerous experimentation, if they don't understand.

 Once your friends get to an age where they and their friends start
drinking alcohol, encourage them to talk about it with you. You don't want
them to fear your reaction and to end up doing something regrettable, like
driving drunk because they're too scared to ask for a ride.
 .

6
Allow your kids to experience life for themselves. Don't make decisions for
them all the time; they must learn how to live with the consequences from
the choices they make. After all, they will have to learn to think for
themselves sometime. It's best they start when you are there to help
minimize the negative consequences and accentuate the positive ones.

 They need to learn that their own actions have consequences

(good and bad). By doing so, it helps them to become good decision makers
and problem solvers so that they are prepared for independence and
adulthood.
 .

7
Let your children make their own mistakes. Life is a great teacher. Don't be
too quick to rescue your child from the results of their own actions if the
consequences are not overly severe. For example, cutting themselves (in a
minor way) may hurt, but it's better than leaving them unaware of why
sharp objects should be avoided. Know that you can't protect your children
forever, and they're better off learning life's lessons sooner than later.
Though it can be hard to stand back and watch your child make a mistake,
this will benefit both you and your child in the long run.

 You shouldn't say "I told you so" when your child learns a life
lesson on his own. Instead, let your child draw his own conclusions about
what happened.
 .

8
Give up your vices. Gambling, alcohol and drugs can jeopardize your child's
financial security. Smoking, for example, almost always introduces health
hazards to your child's environment. Second-hand smoke has been linked to
several respiratory ailments in children. It could also contribute to the early
death of a parent. Alcohol and drugs might also introduce health hazards or
violence to your child's environment.

 Of course, if you enjoy having some wine or a few beers now and
again, that's perfectly fine, as long as you model healthy consumption of
alcohol and responsible behavior while you do it.
 .

9
Don't place unreasonable expectations on your child. There's a difference
between wanting your child to be a responsible, mature individual and
forcing your child to be perfect or to live up to your idea of what perfect
should be. You shouldn't push your child to get perfect grades or to be the
best player on his soccer team; instead, encourage good study habits and
good sportsmanship, and let your child put in the effort that he is capable
of.

 If you act like you only expect the best, your child will feel like he
or she may never measure up, and may even rebel in the process.
 You don't want to be the person that your child is afraid of
because he feels like he will never measure up. You want to be a
cheerleader for your child, not a drill sergeant.
 .

10
Know that a parent's work is never done. Though you may think you have
already molded and raised your child into the person he or she will become
by the time your child dons his or her graduation cap, this is far from true.
Your parenting will have a life-long effect on your child and you should
always give your child the love and affection he needs, even if you're
hundreds of miles away. While you won't always be a constant daily
presence in your child's life, you should always let your children know that
you care about them and that you'll be there for them, no matter what.

 Your children will still turn to you for advice, and will still be
affected by what you say no matter what age they are. As the years go on,
you can not only improve your parenting techniques, but you can start to
think about how to be a good grandparent!

Tips
 Don't live your life through them. Let them make their own choices and live
their life how they want to.
 Reflect on your own childhood frequently. Identify mistakes your parents
made, and make an effort to avoid passing them on to the next several
generations. Every generation of parents/children gets to make a whole set of
new successes and/or mistakes.
 A teen who is on the brink of adulthood needs the support of a parent more
than ever. Do not think that just because they are almost 18 or 21 years old that
you can leave them to figure it all out on their own. Do not intervene/interfere
unnecessarily, however. You have to walk a fine line.
 Don't belittle their choice in friends. Furthermore, try to maintain your own
friendships.

 If you're trying to quit a habit yourself, look into groups that can help you
overcome it. Always get support, and have someone you can talk to when you
begin to get a craving for your habit. Remember that you're not only helping
yourself, but you're helping your child as well.

 Do not share your own past misbehavior with your children because they
will compare themselves to you and thus, expect less from themselves. "So! You
were like that too".

 Encourage introspection by sharing with your children your own self-

evaluations.

 Address your needs to be loved, but value your children's needs over others.
Do not abandon your children for your love interests. Make your child a priority
when you are dating, and do not put your child in danger by introducing someone
new into the household that you do not know well. Children need to feel safe,
secure and loved. If you are suddenly leaving them out and not addressing their
needs in order to tend to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your children will grow to
feel insecure and abandoned. Love is needed by everyone, but not at the expense
of your child's emotional health. This also applies to older children.

 Listen to what your child has to say.

 Use positive phrases when they do something good, instead of always

punishing them. Never physically hurt them.

Warnings
 Do not be afraid to be a parent. Do your best, be their friend, but never
let them forget you are their parent, not a collaborator.
 While praising kids, focus on effort and not end results to avoid raising
praise-junkies.
 Parenting does not stop when a child grows up. Being a good parent
remains a life-long role. But remember that once they become adults, the
decisions they make in life are ultimately theirs with their consequences.

 Do not strictly follow the parental behavioral stereotypes of your

culture, race, ethnic group, family, or other defining factor. Please do not
believe that there is only one way to raise a child.

 Never over-indulge a child. It can lead to stubborn and irresponsible

behavior.

Sources and Citations

 http://www.blackwomenshealth.com/Being%20A%20Good
%20Parent.htm
 More4kids Parenting and FamilyAdditional tips shared with permission
from More4kids.info.
 How to Praise Your Kids the Right Way Without Spoiling Them in the
Process