The Role of Family in the Unbearable Lightness of Being

There is a hidden link to be found in a Milan Kundera’s protagonist in Unbearable Lightness of

Being, and that is family. Traces of family can be found throughout the novel and its impact on
the different protagonist of the novel, namely the two female protagonists Tereza and Sabina.
As we delve deeper into the role of family in the novel, the theory of family system interaction
will help in exploring the influence of family in a more in-depth manner.

The family system theory focuses on “the family as an emotional unit and uses systems
thinking to describe the complex interactions in the unit”(Kerr, Michael E, 2000). The theory
discusses how family, mainly parents, has a large capability to affect other family members
through the interactions they have. The theory states that there is always an interdependence in
family, though the degree of it may not always be the same. It then branches into other
concepts wherein the theory and its impact is shown in more specific situations and conditions.
In this essay, I will focus on three concepts, the differentiation of self, family projection process,
and emotional cutoff.

As a background, differentiation of self is one of the eight concepts in family system theory.
The concept of ​differentiation of self ​focuses on how family can affect the ability of a person to
think and act. Family is said to have the power to exert pressure on a person to conform to a
certain way of thinking. As such family to a certain degree can affect the development of one’s
self.

This being said, Tereza is a great example of concept of differentiation of self. This is due to
the fact that Tereza is heavily influenced by her mother. Looking at the first chapter Soul and
Body, it is revealed that “Tereza’s mother had frequently looked in the mirror”(Part 2, Ch 4, p
42). This was due to the fact she was vain. During Tereza’s childhood, Tereza often witnessed
her mother looking at the mirror. As a result of this experience of her mother often looking in the
mirror, it had gained weight on her as eventually she often looked into the mirror. The book then
proceeds to describe Tereza’s life being a continuation to that of her mother's saying “her entire
life was merely a continuation of her mother's”(Part 2, Ch 4, p 41). With her life being treated as
a mere continuation of her mother’s, her sense of identity and self fades. Her identity is
seemingly becoming that of her mother's. Both her mother’s desire to look at oneself and
appearance had been passed down to Tereza which further more resulted in the loss of
differentiation in one’s self. As a result, Tereza’s identity has been tied to her mother, which
causes her to conform to the thinking of her mother, and in the process losing ability to
differentiate one’s self. Her mother had influence the development of Tereza’s differentiation of
self, in that Tereza was merely becoming her mother and was nothing else. This then leads to
Tereza actively searching for her own identity throughout the entire novel.
 Aside from the concept of differentiation of self, another concept from the theory of family
system, that Tereza can be linked to is ​family projection process​. The family projection process
is a described as how a family’s emotional problems is projected or transmitted to a child. The
result of this is, it can creates different types of problems to be inherited and impaired functions
in the child.

Family projection process in the case of Tereza can be traced back to when Tereza’s mother
realizes her failure with her life; since she had separated with her first husband, was forced to
take care of Tereza, and was no longer beautiful. Afterwards Tereza’s mother searches for
culprit to blame. It is stated that “the hostage who could do penance for all the culprits, was
Tereza”(Part 2, Ch 5, p 43). Tereza’s mother had blamed Tereza for how her life ended
becoming. In this situation, Tereza’s mother’s problem was how her life was far off from the one
she had dreamt off. As a result she then ingrains “If a mother was Sacrifice personified, then a
daughter was Guilt, with no possibility of regress”(Part 2, Ch 5, p 44) on Tereza by constantly
reminding her. Tracing this back to family projection process, the problem of Tereza’s mother is
projected onto Tereza through the use of guilt in the part of her mother. This guilt then becomes
a problem to Tereza, as it served as an anchor; a part of the heavy suitcase Tereza carried
around which symbolized the heaviness of Tereza. This guilt then continued to haunt and follow
Tereza wherever she went, often leading her to think of her obligation to her mother. This guilt
played an important role as it affected many of the decisions Tereza made. As a result of the
family projection process​ Tereza becomes interdependent on her mother, and when Tereza
finally decides leaves her, she is filled with unease and a sense of longing for her mother. She
then finds Tomas who serves as substitute to her mother, to whom she becomes attached to
and interdependent on. This can be seen as how Tomas views Tereza in Part one Chapter
three, where it states “she seemed a child to him, a child someone had put in a bulrush basket
daubed with pitch and sent down-stream for Tomas to fetch at a riverbank of his bed”(Part 1, Ch
3, p 6). Tomas had somewhat taken the role of Tereza’s mother by becoming substitute parent
to her. This attachment and interdependence on Tomas eventually becomes a problem as it
becomes a source of conflicts between them.

In the book focusing on another female character of Tereza, Sabina is found. Among the
concepts of family system interaction, she is best linked with the concept of ​emotional cutoff​.
The concept of emotional cutoff delves into how an individual manages their unresolved issues
with their parents, through distancing themselves.

Relating this to Sabina, in the third part of the book Words Misunderstood, Sabina’s
background was told. Sabina was forbidden by her father to love a boy her age, and her father
had mocked Picasso, whose art Sabina held so dear. As such when she finished school, she
distanced herself from her parents because of her unresolved issues with her parents, which
was that they could not understand her. She deals with it by cutting them off by moving to
Prague. It was then revealed that Sabina’s mother died, which was soon followed by her father’s
suicide. The deaths of her parents forever left the issues she had with her parents unresolved.
Sabina had also felt betrayaled after learning that her father committed suicide not just because
of her mother’s death, but also because he could not accept his daughter. It the book it is stated
“Was it really so terrible that her father had painted vases filled with roses and hated Picasso?
Was it really so reprehensible that he was afraid of his fourteen-year-old-daughter’s coming
home pregnant?”(Part 3, Ch 3, p 92). Her father could not accept her daughter and it became
one of the reasons for his suicide. As stated in the family system theory, in a family there is a
certain degree of interdependence, and when her parents die she is forced to become
independent. Sabina deals with this cutoff through betraying others like how she had been
betrayed. She begins by betraying her husband by leaving him. This serves as her first betrayal.
The book states “The first betray is irreparable. It calls forth a chain reaction of betrayal.”(Part 3,
Ch 3, p 92). After Sabina’s first betrayal, she continues a lifestyle filled with betrayals. This can
eventually be seen when Sabina betrays Franz who had given up his family just for her. Sabina
although recognizing Franz’s love for her, simply betrays him because she desired to. This
leads her to be a light character, since nothing is able to tie her down. As soon as something
starts to weigh her down she betrays it to free herself once from any weight.

In conclusion, family places an important role in the development of the protagonists in The
Unbearable Lightness of Being. This becomes more evident through the lense of the Family
system interaction theory. By using the concepts from this theory, specifically the differentiation
of self and family projection process, readers are able to see how Tereza’s mother has affected
the shaping of Tereza, and Tereza’s mother has influenced her actions and decisions from the
beginning to end of the novel. While in the case of Sabina, using the concept of emotional
cutoff, readers are able to see why Sabina desires betrays others, which can be traced back to
her parents.

Sources:
Kerr, Micheal. E. (2000). The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Retrieved August 06,
2017, from http://thebowencenter.org/

Kundera, Milan.(1984). The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc.
Retrieved August 06, 2017.