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“To love oneself,” wrote Oscar Wilde, “is the beginning of a life-long romance.” As is the tale of
every love story, times will bring both sun and storm, testing our deepest intentions on how we
relate to ourselves. Love comes easy on good days, when our self-esteem stands tall on our
accomplishments. It’s when we fall that our self-directed goodwill often deserts us. Suddenly, we
remember all our faults. Our internal monologue muds with harsh judgments. We blame and
shame ourselves for our pain. We abandon ourselves and look to whoever (and whatever) would
give us comfort. One way to winning back our own hearts and reclaiming our well-being is
through self-compassion.  

As a concept derived from Buddhist psychology, self-compassion entails treating oneself with
kindness and care, like we would treat a dear friend. Kristin Neff, one of the leading self-
compassion researchers, has identified 3 main components of self-compassion: self-kindness,
feelings of common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness refers to acting in kind and
understanding ways towards ourselves. For example, instead of being critical (I’m so
disorganized! I’ll never be successful!), our inner voice is supportive and warm (It’s OK that I
missed the deadline. I worked hard and I’ll make it next time). A sense of common humanity is
the recognition that everyone makes mistakes and no one is without their weaknesses. Accepting
that we are not alone in our suffering comforts us with feelings of inclusivity rather than
alienation. Finally, mindfulness offers a “meta-perspective” on our hardships, helping us to not
exaggerate our distress and become engulfed by it.
Source: Marianna Pogosyan

A wealth of research has shown the positive consequences of self-compassion on numerous

aspects of our wellbeing, including a greater life satisfaction, emotional intelligence,
interconnectedness with others, wisdom, curiosity, happiness and optimism. Self-compassion is
also associated with less self-criticism, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, and perfectionism
(Neff, 2009). Importantly, to reap the benefits of self-compassion, we don’t need to compare
ourselves to others or inflate our egos. Thus, self-compassion can lead to greater emotional
resilience, since unlike self-esteem, our heightened feelings of self-worth will not be contingent
on our successes.

Strategies for increasing self-compassion

Chris Germer, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion training
program, has been witnessing firsthand the transformative power of self-compassion among his
clients. He views self-compassion as an antidote to the habitual threat-based reactions (fight,
flight, freeze) that people have when things go wrong. Instead of becoming self-critical (fight),
abandoning ourselves (flight) or getting stuck with “why me?” ruminations (freeze), self-
compassion gently turns us towards self-care.
Here are some behavioral and mental strategies from Germer on how to increase self-
compassion.

Just as you would with a dear friend who is struggling, ask yourself this question:

“What do I need?”

Surprisingly, as Germer points out, we are not very good at answering this question for ourselves
when we feel under threat. When you can’t identify your needs, asking yourself the next question
can help you towards the right direction: 

Why am I so harsh on myself?

I’m asked this question way too often from both readers and people who attend my workshops — 
self-reflection makes them realize they are ruthless on themselves.

From leadership gurus to the media (even dentists), everyone is trying to trick us into this
confidence nonsense. You have to look good and feel good to conquer the world, they tell you.

What’s driving everyone anxious is this: no matter how hard you try, no matter how successful
you are, no matter how good you are — it’s never enough.

The “be more confident” advice is hurting us — the more we try to boost our confidence, the
more damage we cause.

Stretching beyond your comfort zone is one thing; being harsh on yourself is another. Not
understanding the difference between the two hinders your potential as well as your
relationships.

The Self-esteem Trap Is Dangerous

Our culture is rooted in high self-esteem — you have to be special, unique, and above average.

This pressure is false pretentious. By trying to become special in the eyes of others, we turn
acceptance into a moving target. We never fulfill other people’s expectations, neither our own.

Self-esteem is a deceiving trap — once you get caught, it’s almost impossible to set yourself
free.

We are experiencing a narcissism epidemic — we are rewarding and promoting vanity more than
ever. American academics Jean Twenge and Keith Campbell found that narcissistic personality
traits rose just as fast as obesity from the 1980s to the present.

It’s not surprising that selfies have become mainstream — people prefer to see themselves that
the place they are visiting. Who cares about the Taj Mahal? We want to make sure our faces are
visible to others.
There’s nothing wrong about selfies — the narcissistic trap is the problem.

People used to take pictures to remember what they saw. Now, many take selfies to remember
how they looked to the eyes of others — they want reassurance that someone was paying attention
to them.

A culture that encourages narcissistic self-confidence does anything but help us succeed. The
need to win at all costs pushes people to cheat at school, sports, or work — they end up deceiving
themselves too.

Overconfidence is the most dangerous consequence of the confidence trap.

It forces you to compare to others: instead of becoming your own standard, you let others
define what you should care about. Continuous comparisons create the two most poisonous
emotions: envy and jealousy.

It blinds you: when we feel overconfident, we stop listening to other points of view — our
perspective is the only one we pay attention to.

You overestimate your abilities: the desire to overpower others takes over. Arrogance is a
punch you don’t see coming — it unexpectedly knocks you out.

You measure yourself by your appearance: the ‘me-ness’ cult makes us focus on the outside.
We believe that looking good will make us feel more confident. Research shows that self-
appreciation is directly linked to one’s beauty, especially among women.

The worst part? Self-esteem is contingent on success — when things go wrong, you feel
miserable.

The pressure is way too hard —most people believe they need permission to be kind and
compassionate to themselves.

Self-compassion Beats Self-confidence Anytime

“Kindness is not just about how you treat others; it’s rooted in how you treat yourself.” — 
Londro Rinzler

Pursuing self-esteem is directly linked to anxiety and depression disorders.

Research shows that we tend to see ourselves through others’ eyes — especially when we are
teenagers. A study by psychologist and educator David Elkind describes how the