RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

- Though she will claim otherwise, she is perfectly safe and experiences no pain or
visionary states inside the Machine. Do not be fooled by her slanders.

- Bring her home before midnight, or at the very least back somewhere she can still
hear the Machine "singing." In the event of your clocks beginning to go backwards
after midnight or your path being blocked by an "empty" woman-shaped shadow
cradling a jade cube and reaching out to caress your face, do not bring my daughter
home under *any circumstances* until you are contacted by me using the one-time
pad you will receive shortly.

- If you ever make my daughter cry, close your eyes and cover your ears immediately.
If possible, place a damp cloth over your nose and mouth (you should be able to
uncover your ears for up to five seconds without suffering permanent cognitive
impairment) but the most important thing is to feel your way quickly and calmly to at
least 13.8 meters away, before the formation of a Sphere.

- No alcohol or drugs except the gray pills. Either of you may take more if you begin
to see "the Sinner" instead of only hear him, but do not exceed 17 doses combined
between the two of you within 24 hours. Discontinue use immediately if your sweat,
tears, or any other fluids begin to "reach toward" the star Algol.

- I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a lot of property to bury things on. We may be able
to hide in an improvised ditch should the unthinkable happen, even though we both
know that no firearm would protect us.

- As her boyfriend, it's your responsibility to protect my daughter from the man in red.
If you encounter him, remain calm and cordial but do not acknowledge any question
or statement he makes regarding anything "in the attic." Once you are certain he will
not reappear, immediately destroy the feather you will find in your hand.

- Do not resist when my daughter becomes violent—Going limp has repeatedly proved
the best way to avoid serious injury. Wait calmly for her skin and joints to fuse back
together, signaling the end of an "episode." While prone, do not swallow anything she
spits into your mouth.

- While you're spending time under my roof, know that I'll be watching your every
move for signs of nerve damage, the onset of various forms of palsy, or the known
mannerisms and speech patterns of the man in red. This is for your protection.

- DO NOT SWALLOW ANYTHING SHE SPITS INTO YOUR MOUTH.

- If you ever get her pregnant, God help us all.