ASSISTANT

(over intercom) ​Hello, Mr. Agent, sir?

AGENT
Yes, Stephanie?

ASSISTANT
There's a Mr. Bach here, he'd like to see you.

AGENT
Oh God. No, not him! Tell him I'm sick!

ASSISTANT
All right sir, I'll send him right in.

AGENT
WHAT NO!

(Enter Bach - essentially Jade in a suit)

BACH
Hello there my lovely agent! I was wondering how you be doing these fine days?

AGENT
(Trying to escape out of the window. The window is locked, alas)​. Well enough, well enough!
Very busy, of course! Very busy! So busy I have to... I have to open… this… argh, Jesus Christ,
I give up.

BACH
I thought you must have been being busy because I have not had a phone call from you for
quite some time.

AGENT
Well, you know how it is. Incidentally, we thought you were dead.

BACH
Vell I am vell over 500 years old by now, but a little thing like that would not stop me from writing
beautiful classical music! Speaking of writing music…

AGENT
Oh God. I mean, oh good.

BACH
I've written just a little something. I think you will be liking it.

AGENT
Tell me about it. Wait. Actually. No. I'd like to guess. Is it a sonata?

BACH
No, actually, it's…

AGENT
No. Like I said, I want to guess. A sonatina, perhaps? A lovely lilting sonatina to lift the spirits
and bring joy to everyone?

BACH
Close! But not quite!

AGENT
A cortege, then. A nice meaningful cortege with lots of nice big chords.

BACH
Well, who doesn't love a cortege? But alas, this is something different.

AGENT
Is it a prelude? A rondo? An allegretto?

BACH
No, none of those things. I will tell you.

AGENT
I know what it is.

BACH
You… you do?

AGENT
Absolutely. Everyone knows what it is, Bach. But come on. Tell me anyway.

BACH
Well, it's a simple little tune that passes from one hand to the other and back again! I call it a -

AGENT
A fugue.

BACH
How did you know?!

AGENT
How? Because you've written a book called Five Billion Fugues. Jesus Christ, Bach, it's more
fugues than anyone in the world could play in a lifetime! And you KEEP bringing them to me and
I KEEP telling you nobody likes Fugues anymore! They haven't for hundreds of years! In fact,
here is a little poem to help you remember.
If you should ever write a fugue,
Before one or both of us is dead,
I'll buy a sharp metallic tube,
And use it thus to slice off your head.

BACH
That's a lovely little poem.

AGENT
I'm glad you like it.

BACH
I wonder if I could make it into a fugue?