“THE HILL”

a comedy for 3 male actors

by Peter Quilter

©Peter Quilter, 2018

peterquilter@yahoo.co.uk

1
CHARACTERS

The three men are all of similar age, in their 40s, 50s or 60s.
(in order of appearance)

TONY

DANIEL

SAM

SETTING

During the course of the play, the three men will walk up a tall hill in the
middle of open countryside. The journey up will take them two days.
Scenes take place during breaks in the walk, a site where they sleep in a
tent for the night, and the peak of the hill.

Peter Quilter
Peter Quilter's plays have been produced in over 40 countries around the world and
translated into more than 30 languages. He has had 3 successful shows in London's
West End and has received 2 Olivier Award nominations - Best New Play for “End of
the Rainbow” and Best New Comedy for “Glorious!” He also had a hit production on
Broadway, which was nominated for 3 Tony Awards. His work has been presented by
10 of Europe’s National Theatres and his shows have played in many other iconic
venues, including the Gielgud Theatre in London, the Belasco Theatre in New York, the
Volkstheater in Vienna, and the Opera House in Sydney. "End of the Rainbow" has
been adapted for the movie "Judy", starring Renée Zellweger, which will be released in
cinemas worldwide in autumn 2019.

Official website - http://www.peterquilter.net

Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Quilter

2
 ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

MUSIC PLAYS –

“YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME” (RANDY NEWMAN)

THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL. LIGHTS RISE SLOWLY ON THE SCENE, LIKE THE SUN
RISING EARLY IN THE MORNING.

DANIEL IS RE-ORGANISING THE CONTENTS OF HIS RUCKSACK. TONY ENTERS,

WEARING HIS OWN RUCKSACK ON HIS BACK. TONY IS THE ONLY ONE IN THE
GROUP WHO IS OVERWEIGHT. THE MUSIC FADES OUT

TONY

I knew this would happen. Your rucksack was already packed. So how could you possibly
need to empty it all out again?

DANIEL

It was annoying me. Bits sticking out, the weight was uneven. I’m finding a better system.
Re-distributing everything. Making it neater.

TONY

I just threw everything into mine. It took me three minutes.

DANIEL

It also only takes you three minutes to shower – and look how that turns out.

HE CONTINUES RE-PACKING THE RUCK-SACK

..It would all fit better in a suitcase.

TONY

You can’t carry a suitcase on your back up a hill.

DANIEL

I could try. Sam would be able to do it – and still manage to look cool.

TONY

Well, we all have our crosses to bear.

DANIEL

Where is he?

3
TONY

He took the opportunity to phone, erm - his fiancé.

DANIEL

Her name is Abigail.

TONY

I know that.

DANIEL

Well, clearly you don’t, because you referred to her in the car as “Annette”.

TONY

I had a unique moment of confusion.

DANIEL

You did it twice.

TONY

I had two unique moments of confusion.

DANIEL

Which would be fine, except that Annette was his “Ex”. The one that went off with his brother.
So, you know – some mistakes are unfortunate and others are tsunamis. Try and be more
careful.

TONY

Do you think he noticed?

DANIEL

He nearly drove us into the river!

TONY

Don’t exaggerate.

THE RE-PACKING CONTINUES

..You need a hand with that?

DANIEL

No, I think I’ve got it now. This is such a nightmare. Maybe it would have been better if the
idiot had drowned us all.

4
THE VERY HANDSOME SAM ENTERS, WITH A LARGER RUCKSACK AND ALSO A BAG
HOLDING A TENT

If you’d called me an “idiot” maybe I would have done.

TONY

He’s upset about his rucksack. Having one of his famous anal moments.

DANIEL

I am not having an - …Well, yes, alright – I am. These things can be very stressful. (TO SAM)
How is she?

SAM

She’s great.

TONY

Did you give Annette our love? (DANIEL STARES AT HIM IN DISBELIEF) - Did you give
Abigail our love?

SAM

Yes, I did give Abigail your love. I think you’ll find that someone else is giving love to
Annette.

TONY

Yeah, sorry. I get a bit muddled in my head.

SAM

Then maybe we should have it removed..?

DANIEL

But she’s fine?

SAM

Of course. It was kind of odd, actually. I only left her yesterday morning, but I think she’s
missing me already. Can you believe it?

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) No.

SAM

It’s a strange thing to be missed. I suppose I’ll have to get used to it. I almost felt guilty.

DANIEL

Almost?

5
SAM

Think about it for a second. This is my final week of freedom.

TONY

Hardly seems possible.

SAM

So dreams do come true after all?

DANIEL

No, they don’t. Not in my experience.

SAM

Oh shut up and re-pack your rucksack for the third time.

DANIEL

Fourth, actually.

SAM

Daniel, if your life is this complicated at the bottom of the hill, how’s it gonna be at the top of
the hill?

DANIEL

That’s why I don’t go up hills. (HE SLOTS THE FINAL ITEM INTO THE BAG) There, I think
that’s done it.

SAM

And we’re all thrilled.

TONY

(TO SAM) You nervous about the big day?

SAM

No, not especially. She’s controlling all that. The invites, the music, the guest list, the
ceremony, the flowers. It’s like a military operation.

TONY

How come they’re letting you get married in a church?

SAM

Eh?

6
TONY

With your sexual history, I’m surprised they even let you in the door.

SAM

They don’t care. You can do it anywhere these days. My cousin got married on an airboat in
the Everglades. I think he was hoping his new mother in law would get eaten by a crocodile.

DANIEL

Your way is better. In a church, traditional.

SAM

Yeah, there’s still something about it, isn’t there. The stained glass windows and the walk down
the aisle. I mean, you can get married in your garage and have the reception at KFC, but it’s not
the same. I think a bit of romance is important. And you only get married once, don’t you.

DANIEL

Well, let’s hope so. You have to start behaving yourself.

SAM

I know that. It’s a bit of a relief, to be honest. To finally be forced to settle down, to stop the
endless pursuit of sexual conquest. I think that’s one of the main reasons I’m doing it. To sign
a contract that stops me from endlessly having intercourse with every beautiful woman that
crosses my path. You know what I mean?

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) No.

SAM

You two are funny together. You’re like a married couple.

DANIEL / TONY

(AT THE SAME TIME, SARCASTIC) Oh, thanks a lot!

THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG AS IF TO SAY “WHY DID YOU SAY
THAT?”

SAM

So, are we ready to go at last? Because this is all taking a bit long. We should be walking by
now. If it’s all the same to you, I would actually like to get back in time for the honeymoon.

DANIEL

Don’t panic. We’ve got two days.

7
SAM

It’s taken you longer than that to pack!

TONY

Where is it you´re taking her again?

SAM

Who?

DANIEL

Your wife!

SAM

Bermuda. Not my choice. Don’t know how much fun it will be.

DANIEL

(DRYLY) Yeah, Bermuda is bound to be horrible. Sat in your 5 star beach hut over-looking the
ocean with 24 hour room service and a horny new wife. Don’t know how you’re going to cope.

SAM

Well, you can mock me, but I’m genuinely nervous about it, to be honest.

DANIEL

Why?

SAM

Well, there’s nothing to do there. In Bermuda. On the beach. I mean, apart from the obvious.
Swimming, food and sex. And you can’t do that for 18 hours a day.

TONY

You could give it a go.

SAM

So, in-between, we have to - ..you know, we have to make conversation. A lot. Two whole
weeks of talking. I don’t know if we’ve got that much to say to each other.

DANIEL

But - aren’t you in love?

SAM

I´m confident about us being in love. I’m just not so confident about us being in conversation.

8
DANIEL

Sam!

SAM

I’m not saying it’s a problem. I’m simply registering a concern. She might want to know
everything about me.

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) Don´t tell her!

SAM

Well – there you are - exactly.

DANIEL

I wouldn´t over-think it. You might find it a beautiful thing to be alone together and speaking
on an intimate and deeply honest level. As you tell endless lies to each other. And eventually,
you´ll arrive at a moment when you don’t feel the need to speak at all. When the silence is
comfortable. And that’s what love and companionship really is. …And when you find it, you
have to grip hard and hold on to it. If you can. Which is not to say it won’t let go of you and
drop you into the trash can.

SAM

Is that what you feel happened between you and -

DANIEL

I don’t want to talk about it.

SAM

I didn’t even finish the sentence!

DANIEL

I knew where you were heading.

SAM

You have to open up about it, Daniel. Break-ups are hard and that’s what you need your friends
for.

DANIEL

It´s done. It was over six months ago.

SAM

Yeah, and still you won’t talk about it. So it’s obviously still bothering you.

9
DANIEL

I’m alright, Sam, okay? It takes me a while to move on. And this isn’t the right kind of
discussion on the first day of the climb. (HE PUTS THE RUCKSACK ON HIS BACK) There
are far more important things to think about this week.

SAM

Well, okay, but I want to make sure it gets out of your system before we go home for the
wedding. You have a reputation for crying your eyes out at these kind of events.

DANIEL

I do not! …Yes, alright – go on.

SAM

Well, I don’t want you suddenly getting all emotional and hysterical at my wedding reception.
You can’t be up there at the head table, sobbing and snotting over your foie gras and pork
medallions.

TONY

I’m glad you brought that up – why are we having that for lunch? You’ve never had anything
“medallioned” or “foie” in your life.

SAM

At weddings, you don’t eat the food you prefer - you eat the food you aspire to..

TONY

Is it my imagination, or did you suddenly disappear up your own backside? It’s a clever trick –
you should see if the hotel is running a talent competition.

SAM

It’s a posh occasion!

TONY

How posh? Will there be beer?

SAM

After the Pimms and sorbet, there’ll be beer at the bar, Tony, yes.

TONY

And will there also be nuts on the bar?

SAM

No. Olives with anchovies.

10
TONY

Christ, it’s like the world’s gone mad.

SAM

(BACK TO DANIEL) Just try and hold it together. No open weeping over your plate of pork.

DANIEL

I’m having the fish.

SAM

Well, don’t sob over your trout and almonds either.

TONY

If there’s nuts on the fish, why aren’t there nuts on the bar..!? Just putting that out there..!

SAM

(RAISING HIS VOICE) I didn’t organise it, Tony! I’m only the groom!

TONY

No need to shout!

SAM

You’re getting a free meal, so stop complaining and be grateful.

TONY

It’s not free – I bought you a toaster!

SAM

Thank you – I look forward to the surprise!

DANIEL

Speaking of which - buy Abigail a present while you’re here.

SAM

Why?

DANIEL

Why!? Because you’re away from her during the build up to the wedding.

SAM

I didn’t choose the date, Daniel.

11
DANIEL

No, but it’s a gesture, isn’t it. I’m serious – you should do that.

SAM

Alright – on the way back, I’ll pick up some flowers from the petrol station.

DANIEL

And they say romance is dead..

TONY

Are we going, then? Or are we gonna stand here all day yapping? I’m not expressing a
preference, I’m just urging a decision.

SAM

Yes, let’s get on with it. Forward into battle. The three musketeers.

DANIEL

I liked it better when it was the four musketeers.

TONY

We all did.

SAM

He’s here with us. I know he is.

THEY ALL NOD IN AGREEMENT

DANIEL

..OK, so let’s quickly check the map before we -

SAM

We don’t have one – we don’t need a map. (POINTING UP THE HILL) It’s that way!

DANIEL

You still have to check the map! I can’t believe you haven’t got a map. We have to have a
map. Shall I go and get a map?

SAM

As long as you stop saying the word “map”, I don’t care what you do.

DANIEL

They sell them at the kiosk. I’ll be one minute. Better to know exactly where we’re going.

12
DANIEL EXITS TO BUY A MAP. TONY AND SAM SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT

TONY

…You sure this is what Gareth would have wanted?

SAM

We have to do something. Doing nothing’s easier, but it’s not always better. We have to mark
what’s happened. It feels right, doesn’t it? I know it´s not enough, but it’s right.

TONY

Help me a bit when it gets hard up there.

SAM

We will.

TONY

I mean it. When I need a hand, give me a hand. When I need a push – bloody push.

SAM

Don’t worry about it. This’ll be good for you. A steep two day climb, fresh air. You’ll feel
twenty years old.

TONY

No, I remember what it was like at twenty years old, I’m not going through that again.
I remember what you were like too.

SAM

Oh my God, I don’t know how I survived all that. I never got any sleep.

TONY

Yeah, you kept us all awake too. And not in a good way.

SAM

Should I take my engagement ring off?

TONY

Why? You hoping to get laid half way up a hill?

SAM

No – I mean – I don’t want to scratch it on the rocks.

TONY

Rocks!? What rocks? Nobody told me about rocks.

13
SAM

There will be rocks, Tony, streams, nettles. It’s countryside. There will be inevitable moments
of nature. None of this should be a surprise to you.

TONY

I think that if there’s a hill – and the top of the hill has a view, and people want to climb the hill,
then – why not clean it up a bit, clear the rocks, make it safer? Or, in an ideal world, put in an
escalator?

SAM

I don’t even have a response to that. I’ll take the ring off.

HE REMOVES HIS ENGAGEMENT RING

TONY

That doesn’t mean you’re single, by the way. Removing the ring is not some kind of free pass –
you do know that?

SAM

That is the furthest thought from my mind. While we’re on this trip, none of us are having any
sex, doing any flirting, nothing.

TONY

Speak for yourself.

SAM

Oh come on, Tony, be realistic.

TONY

What the hell does that mean?

SAM

Well, let’s be honest - you’ve had the same condom in your wallet for the last three years. It’s
so at home there now it’s got a pipe and slippers. And by the way – it has almost certainly
expired, so I reckon it’s time to maybe splash out on a new one.

TONY

No, no, no. I’m not changing it. That’s my lucky condom.

SAM

Though, clearly it isn’t, is it!

DANIEL RE-ENTERS, CARRYING AND EXAMINING A MAP

14
DANIEL

Okay, so let’s work out the first part of the route.

SAM

Yeah, let’s do that. (POINTING AGAIN) It’s that way!

DANIEL

I’d rather be precise. Tony, could you get the pen from my rucksack? Left side pocket.

TONY GETS THE PEN FROM THE SIDE POCKET OF DANIEL’S RUCKSACK. AS HE
DOES SO, SAM GETS A CALL ON HIS MOBILE PHONE

SAM

I better get this. You guys carry on with your un-necessary map reading..

DANIEL AND TONY CONSULT WITH THE MAP WHILE SAM ANSWERS THE CALL

Hello, Abs. ..Yes, still okay, no rain. The same weather as three minutes ago. …No, we’ve
had a slight delay as Daniel needed to re-pack his rucksack again. And again. ..Yes, they’re
fine – both looking at the map. ..I’ve no idea – you walk upwards. Which should begin any
second now. I’ll send you some photos as we go. Was there something you wanted to - ? ..No,
no, if it’s important - ? …Well, whatever style of lettering you think looks best. I really don’t
care. - I mean, I really don’t mind. You’ve got very good taste. I mean, look at who you’re
marrying.

SAM LOOKS OVER AT TONY AND DANIEL FOR A REACTION TO HIS COMMENT. BOTH
SIMPLY SHRUG AND SMIRK

…The guys gave that comment two thumbs up. …Alright then. …Yeah - me too. (HE ENDS
THE CALL)

DANIEL

“Me too”? What did she say?

SAM

Eh?

DANIEL

What did she to you that your answer was “me too”?

SAM

The usual. That she – you know – loves me and that.

DANIEL

Well, say it back to her. “Me too” is non-committal. It lets you suggest it without actually
saying it. And in reality, by using that phrase you’re not really saying “I love you too”.

15
If you look at it grammatically - you could equally be confirming that - yes, she loves you and
in reply “me too” meaning I love myself also.

SAM

I don’t think she analyzes it that deeply.

DANIEL

You don’t? Have you ever met a woman?

SAM

I could ask you the same question.

TONY

But it’s true – he does love himself. So it’s not a dis-honest reply either way.

SAM

That is a good point.

DANIEL

But you do understand what I’m, saying – from your fiancé’s point of view?

SAM

I think I’ve got the gist of it, Daniel, yes. Relax - I’ll say it next time.

DANIEL

No, you won’t. You’ve got a pathological resistance to saying it.

SAM

Don’t be daft.

TONY

Anyway, how was your future wife?

SAM

Fine. Something about invitations, or place cards, or menus. I didn’t really catch that bit.

DANIEL

She must be thrilled to have your full attention and support.

SAM

Why are you so bothered?

16
DANIEL

I think you should show more interest. Soon, you’re going to be doing everything together. So,
you should start getting involved. Your life isn’t a monologue anymore. And it’s high time you
acknowledged that. Otherwise, when the curtain comes down on “The Sam Show” it’s going to
be a bloodbath.

SAM

That’s how I am. She realises that – and, so far, no complaints. Besides, we’ve only been
going out together a year, it’s early days.

TONY

That’s already longer than any relationship I’ve ever had.

DANIEL

Maybe that’s because you have Budweiser for breakfast?

TONY

It’s a kind of toast – both are made from wheat.

DANIEL

(BEMUSED) What..?

SAM

(TO DANIEL) And besides – I don’t think you’re in a great position to be giving relationship
advice.

DANIEL

Alright, fine. Let’s end it there.

SAM

Hang on a minute, I haven´t even –

DANIEL

No. I know exactly what you’re –

SAM

I was only going to say that there was an opportunity last night for you to move on to pastures
new.

DANIEL

I have no idea what you’re -

17
SAM

You were definitely being looked up and down at the hotel last night.

DANIEL

I was not.

TONY

Oh, you were, absolutely.

DANIEL

You’re exaggerating.

TONY

No, no. My radar is excellent on these things. And I could hear wedding bells.

DANIEL

No, that was your twelve bottles of Budweiser clanging about.

SAM

You should have made a move, Daniel.

DANIEL

We’d just got here. I hadn’t even got my stuff out of the car. Besides - No. Wait. I am not
having a debate about this.

TONY

Oh dear, he’s a lost cause.

SAM

I know. Damaged goods. This is why he gives everyone else a hard time. He still hasn’t
moved on.

DANIEL

I have moved on, Sam. I have!

SAM

Then why aren’t you taking up the chances that offer themselves to you? There was such
obvious interest there.

DANIEL

I didn’t see it.

18
SAM

You didn’t see it!? He was virtually waving a flag! Neon lights above his head, a signpost.
There was a giant finger pointing down at him from the sky like the hand of God.

DANIEL

Oh, no wonder I missed it.

SAM

So, next time, do us all a favour and do something about it.

DANIEL

What´s it to do with you?

SAM

Cos it might lighten you up! Stop you being obsessed with everybody else’s relationship.
You’re really shit at being single.

DANIEL

A meaningless fling won’t stop me being single.

SAM

No, but it might stop you being a dickhead.

DANIEL

Oh, go screw yourself.

SAM

I wish I could, I wouldn’t have to pick out lettering. And don’t take all this out on me just
because Robert dumped you last year.

DANIEL

He did not “dump” me.

SAM

No, he didn’t, sorry, of course not. ..Though he kind of did, didn’t he.

DANIEL

And it’s not about him. Yes, it was nice to be with someone and I think we made a really good
couple. But what’s done is done. And, for the record, I don’t want to talk about it – ever. And
I’m certainly not going to get dragged into bed by some random receptionist at a hotel in order
to try and feel better and to convince myself for a couple of hours that I’m not actually on my
own even though I clearly am, and I certainly don’t need you two giving me a hard time about it
like you’re both amateur psychologists,

19
which neither of you are and never will be because you rarely understand anything other than
what’s in the glass in front of you, added to which one of you is showing so little interest in his
forthcoming nuptials that I’ll be surprised if he even remembers to turn up, and the other still
seems to be pinning all his hopes on a thirty year old “lucky” condom which by now would be
more at home in a museum and I thereby conclude that neither of you are in any position to
judge, so why don’t you stop yapping for five minutes so we can please God leave it there and
avoid forever more staging an intervention into my failed romantic life and instead do what we
came here for, which is to climb the fucking hill!!

A PAUSE.

SAM

…Did I say something wrong?

DANIEL

What’s the way on the map?

TONY (MAP IN HAND) AND SAM BOTH POINT UP THE HILL, EXACTLY AS SAM HAD
DONE EARLIER. DANIEL EXITS, HEADING UP THE HILL

TONY

He’s too hard on himself, that’s the real problem.

SAM

He needs a good kick up the backside, if you ask me.

TONY

Which is why nobody asks you. ..Help me put the rucksack on.

SAM LOADS THE RUCKSACK ONTO TONY’S BACK

..Did you actually like him? Daniel’s boyfriend?

SAM

He was alright. The only thing I objected to was that the minute Daniel got himself into a
relationship, he disappeared from our lives. It’s like suddenly everything had to be scheduled
around what Robert was doing. I met up with him for lunch once, hadn’t seen him in a few
months, and he gets a call half way through his couscous that Robert was finishing work early.
So he gets up like the house is on fire and leaves without blinking. Scattering a trail of goats
cheese and beetroot behind him. That’s what I never understood. You go out with someone -
super. You live together, go to the supermarket, whatever. But you have to still see your mates.
He dropped us both like lead weights. We managed only one holiday with him in that period,
and that’s only because the boyfriend went off to a conference for a few weeks.

TONY

He did a lot more than go off on a conference.

20
SAM

Yeah, well. Crap happens. Then they break up and, as if by magic, suddenly he wants to see us
again.

TONY

Nothing wrong with that.

SAM

No, I’m very happy about it. I just didn’t like the disappearing part.

TONY

So what you’re basically saying is - you like him better when he’s single?

SAM

Does that make me a bad person?

TONY

No. ..Well, yes, it does, actually.

SAM

I like him better when he’s not obsessed, not hiding from us.

TONY

That’s how Daniel is. You can’t change him.

SAM

Oddly enough, Abigail loves him to bits. Despite all his little foibles. She’s chatted more about
the wedding to Daniel than she has to me. Maybe she’s marrying the wrong guy?

TONY

Abigail and Daniel? I don’t see how that would work.

SAM

It’s not all about sex, Tony. Modern relationships are much more about companionship,
someone to tell your stories to.

TONY

Is that what you have with Abigail?

SAM

No, we’re all about sex. Though, it’s pretty weird having sex with the same person all year.
And then - for the rest of your life…?! That really is something to get your head around. Only
one vagina - forever.

21
TONY

Make sure you include that comment in your wedding speech, her parents will love it.

SAM

I’m not sure it’s natural.

TONY

At the very least it’s convenient.

SAM

I don’t know if convenience is the thing I was after. I like the variety. Don’t you?

TONY

I can’t remember.

SAM

Variety is what it’s all about. Vanilla’s very nice, but not all the time. What about chocolate
occasionally, mint choc chip, raspberry ripple..?

TONY

I think Daniel prefers Ben and Jerry.

SAM

(LAUGHING) That’s almost funny. What I’m trying to say is - you don’t have the chase when
you’re married. And I was really into the chase - the primitive cave man thing, running after a
buffalo with a spear in your hand. I like being resisted, having to pursue a woman, go into
battle to get her attention.

TONY

Are you sure you even want to get married?

SAM

Of course I do! It’s going to be different, that’s all I’m saying. It’ll be safe, easy. But I
wonder sometimes if I’ll miss the adrenalin.

TONY

And in the meantime, she’s at home missing you.

DANIEL RETURNS

DANIEL

Are you two coming?

22
SAM

Why did you turn around? Why didn’t you wait for us?

DANIEL

Because I thought maybe you’d changed your mind.

SAM

Of course we haven’t!

TONY

Well – to be honest –

TONY REMOVES HIS RUCKSACK

DANIEL

See – I knew it.

TONY

I want to be sure that we’re sure..? It’s a long way. It’s up hill. Potentially a great deal of fresh
air. Possibly even nature. Rocks! And - it involves a tent! How can we be certain this is the
right thing?

SAM

If we don’t even do it, then why are we even here?

TONY

Isn’t it enough that we’re together? Isn’t that a memorial on its own?

DANIEL

But Gareth came here and he climbed this hill every year, without fail. It was his way of
marking time, or – I don’t know what it was. His way of saying “I’m still here”. And now that
he’s not here.. The least we can do is climb the hill for him. Gareth loved this hill.

TONY

He also loved a McDonalds breakfast, so why don’t we go there instead?

DANIEL

Because that’s not the -

TONY

It was a joke! Have you lost your sense of humour?

23
DANIEL

Well, yes – obviously..!

SAM

So, let’s do it for him. Get to the top, take in the view. Tell the world that Gareth is still here.
For us, anyway.

TONY NODS IN AGREEMENT

DANIEL

..Have we all got the stones?

SAM

Yeah, I’ve got mine.

TONY

Me too. (TO DANIEL) And yours?

DANIEL

Yes, I packed mine. Five times.

SAM

So – what are we waiting for?

SAM PUTS THE RUCKSACK ON TONY’S BACK AGAIN

TONY

It better not be as far as it looks.

SAM

You should get more exercise, you do know that?

TONY

I might be a bit overweight. True. But I control my cholesterol, I’m not diabetic, I rarely get
colds, I don’t have high blood pressure, I’m not wildly stressed, I have good eyesight, I can hear
everything, I’m blessed with two fully functioning testicles – in theory, at least - and I don’t
smoke. So yes, there’s one thing wrong with me. How many things are wrong with you?

SAM

..I’m getting married.

TONY

And we need to take a long look at that.

24
SAM

No. Let’s climb that hill when we come to it…

TONY

An idiom?!? This day is turning out even worse than I thought.. (TO DANIEL) Lead on!

TONY WALKS OFF, ACCOMPANIED BY DANIEL. SAM IS LEFT MOMENTARILY ON HIS

OWN. HE DIALS A NUMBER ON HIS MOBILE PHONE

SAM

…Hi – it’s me again. We’re about to head up the hill, so there might not be a decent signal for a
little while. I wanted to say – when we ended the last call, you said the thing and I said “me
too”. And I should have – I should have said the thing. Daniel told me off about it, made a
right fuss. So – sorry I didn’t say that. But you weren’t bothered about it were you? ..Yeah, he
said you would be. That’s why I decided to call and clarify that even though I didn’t actually
say it back to you – that doesn’t mean I actually don’t mean it. …Yeah. …I know you do.
…Me too.

HE ENDS THE CALL AND HEADS UP THE HILL.

MUSIC BEGINS -

“I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU” (STEVIE WONDER) (BEGINNING AT 1:19)

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT

SCENE TWO

HALF WAY UP THE HILL. THE THREE OF THEM WALK ON.

TONY

Can we have a break now?

SAM

We’re only half way to the camping point.

TONY

That’s a fascinating nugget of information. Can we have a break now?

SAM TURNS TO DANIEL

DANIEL

I’d like to slip my boots off, give my feet a squeeze.

25
SAM

Fine. Ten minutes.

TONY

Who put you in charge?

SAM

No idea, but it does seem to have turned out that way.

THEY REMOVE THEIR RUCKSACKS AND FIND SOMEWHERE TO SIT ON THE GROUND

TONY

How come it’s cold up here? You’d think as you get closer to the sun, it would be warmer.

DANIEL

That’s not a genuine question, is it?

SAM

He may be suffering from lack of oxygen.

DANIEL

Or lack of intelligence..?

SAM

It’s very important that you drink water. And eat something to give you energy, like a cereal
bar. (HE TAKES A SMALL CEREAL BAR OUT OF HIS BAG) These are high energy. Dates,
protein, guarana. They’re very good. You got something?

DANIEL

(HOLDING UP A SMALL BAG OF CASHEWS) Yes, I’ve got these nuts.

TONY

And I’ve got these.

TONY HOLDS UP A MULTI-PACK OF MARS BARS

SAM

You were supposed to bring something healthy!

DANIEL

(TO TONY) It did say that very clearly in the PDF that I emailed to you.

26
TONY

Yeah, I didn’t open that.

DANIEL

Why not?

TONY

Because nobody normal sends out a PDF attachment reminding you to pack cashews. I
assumed I was being hacked by China. ..I presume, then, that nobody else wants one?

A BRIEF PAUSE. THEN DANIEL AND SAM SPEAK AT THE SAME TIME

SAM / DANIEL

Oh, go on then. / Yeah, why not.

TONY THROWS A MARS BAR TO EACH OF THEM

DANIEL

…I’m glad we’re doing this as a group. It would be a pretty lonely journey on your own.

SAM

Sometimes, being in your own space, with nobody bothering you, can be invigorating. That’s
why people go jogging. To get away from everybody else for an hour.

TONY

I thought they did it to keep fit?

SAM

Occasionally they do it for that too. But escaping is what it’s all about.

DANIEL

So you think perhaps this is why Gareth came up here every year?

SAM

In his own way. Clear his head, turn off all the noise.

TONY

I wonder if he stopped here? Sat right here?

DANIEL

He only ever took one photo – from the top. So we’ll never know. This is the main path,
though. So I guess his boots must have trod this way.

27
TONY

What did you write on your stone?

DANIEL OPENS HIS RUCKSACK AND TAKES OUT A LARGE GREY STONE WITH WORDS
WRITTEN ON IT IN FELT TIPPED PEN. HE OFFERS THE STONE TO TONY

SAM

..No – read it to us.

DANIEL

(READING THE WORDS ON THE STONE) “From Daniel. In memory of Gareth. From rest
and sleep, which but thy pictures be, Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow, And
soonest our best men with thee do go, Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery. Thou art slave to
fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell, And
poppy or charms can make us sleep as well And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou
then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally...”

TONY GETS HIS OWN STONE OUT OF HIS BAG

SAM

(TURNING TO TONY) What did you write on yours?

TONY

(READING) “Miss ya, mate”.

DANIEL

Is that all?

TONY

Well it gets to the point a bit quicker than yours. And by using less words, I was able to write it
big in bright red crayon.

HE SHOWS THE STONE TO THE OTHERS

DANIEL

You didn’t want to go for something a bit more – poetic?

TONY

I’m not like that, am I. And anyone coming across it will be quite relieved to read my succinct
message after they’ve battled through your epic. Who wrote that anyway?

DANIEL

John Donne.

28
TONY

You couldn’t come up with something yourself?

DANIEL

Like what? What am I able to think of that matches that kind of eloquence?

TONY

Doesn’t matter, does it. You just say what’s in your heart. Who cares if it’s naïve or foolish?
All you’re trying to be is honest. People get too hung up about wanting to say the right thing.
There is no right thing if it comes from you, if it’s personal. Everything gets over-thought and
over-processed at funerals, weddings, whatever. You even get grooms at marriage ceremonies
these days who download their speeches off the internet.

DANIEL

That’s appalling!

SAM

Yeah, that’s ridiculous!

DANIEL LOOKS AT SAM

DANIEL

…Oh my God – you did that, didn’t you!?

AT FIRST, SAM PRETENDS TO BE SHOCKED AT THE SUGGESTION, BUT HE SOON

ADMITS THE TRUTH

SAM

…I did, yeah.

DANIEL

Sam!

SAM

Well, it’s easier! There’s a structure, all the right words are there. And they put in gaps where
you can add the names of everyone. There are even a few jokes. You go through the list and
see if any of them are appropriate and just paste them in. Then at the end, there’s a section
where you speak intimately and personally to your new wife. There are dozens of choices for
that too. Some of them are really romantic.

TONY

How romantic can it be if it’s cut and paste?

29
SAM

Yeah, but she doesn’t know it’s a download, does she?

TONY

Maybe she’s using the same website? Both your speeches could be absolutely identical. That
would be hilarious.

SAM

No, she’s the kind of person who writes her own. (TO DANIEL) ..Isn’t she?

DANIEL

What are you asking me for?

SAM

Well, she’s probably consulted you about it. Wouldn’t surprise me if the two of you have been
sat in Starbucks together, picking out poems.

DANIEL

She hasn’t mentioned it. So I guess she’s writing something from the heart.

SAM

Well, I’m happy with what I’ve got.

DANIEL

And I’m happy with what I’ve written on my stone. And for the record – I actually think what
Tony has written on his is fine too. Even if it is in crayon.

TONY

Thank you. (TURNING TO SAM) And what about yours?

SAM

I haven’t written on it yet.

TONY

Really? You couldn’t find anything on MyMemorialStone.Com?

SAM

No, I looked, there’s nothing. Bit of a gap in the market there. ..Anyway, I want to see how I
feel when I get to the top. I’ll surprise you both.

DANIEL

Yeah, and then you can surprise your new wife when she finds out where your wedding speech
came from.

30
SAM

Don’t worry about it – the speech is fine. It’ll be fine.

TONY

Did you bring it?

SAM

No, of course I didn’t bring it! You think I’m going to be up here trying out my wedding
speech on a couple of arseholes like you half way up a fucking mountain?

A BRIEF PAUSE

...Oh, for fuck’s sake!

SAM REACHES INTO HIS RUCKSACK AND TAKES OUT HIS WEDDING SPEECH,
PRINTED OUT ON PINK PAPER

DANIEL

You printed it on pink paper!?

SAM

She likes pink!

DANIEL

No, she doesn’t.

SAM

Of course she likes pink – she’s a girl.

DANIEL

Well at least you’ve noticed one thing about her. Lavender is better.

SAM

Fine. I’ll re-print it on lavender.

TONY

So, go on then.

SAM

No, I don’t want to. It’s embarrassing - someone else might hear me.

THE OTHERS LOOK AROUND

31
TONY

There’s nobody for miles! And the sheep don’t give a shit.

SAM

Alright. (HE STARTS READING) “Firstly, thank you all for coming.”

DANIEL

Stand up! You’ve got to do it standing up. Otherwise it’s not a proper rehearsal.

SAM

Shouldn’t we be carrying on up the hill?

DANIEL

There’s plenty of time for that. The hill will still be here after you’ve made a fool of yourself.

SAM

Thanks for that helpful comment.

DANIEL

You’re welcome. So – I’m the bride. Tony is the father in law.

SAM STANDS UP

TONY

Wait. Why can’t I be the bride?

DANIEL

Does it matter?

TONY

Well, yes, Daniel, because you always seem to get the star part. This used to happen at school
for the nativity. You were always Joseph and I ended up as the back end of a camel or
something.

DANIEL

You should have spoken up for yourself. I can’t help it if I was obvious leading man material.

TONY

It’s not right, it’s prejudicial. The fat kids should be given a break occasionally.

DANIEL

I really don’t think the teachers were -

32
SAM

(INTERRUPTING) Guys! Are we doing this or not?

TONY

Yes. But look at me - I’m the bride.

SAM

Really? You must be bloody rich if you pulled me.

DANIEL

OK, so – ..Pray silence for the groom.

SAM

(READING) “Firstly, thank you all for coming.” (TO DANIEL) How am I doing so far?

DANIEL

I’ve got goose bumps.

SAM

(READING) “And sincere and heartfelt special thanks to the people who so generously paid for
this wedding, my new wife’s parents – insert name here.”

TONY

He hasn’t even filled the names in!

SAM

There’s no rush! Besides, I can’t remember what their names are.

DANIEL

Hence the “sincere and heartfelt”.

SAM

The husband’s German. I’ll find out before the wedding, don’t worry. I think her father’s name
is “Adolf”.

DANIEL

Well, make sure. Because if it isn’t, that might not go down too well.

SAM

Am I carrying on?

33
TONY

Yes. But with more enthusiasm. Project!

SAM

Don’t you laugh at me.

TONY

I’m not. We’ve got plenty of time for that.

SAM

(READING) “I never thought the day would come when I would get married. I thought the
bachelor life was the one for me. But everything changed when I met Abigail.” I filled the
name in that time.

DANIEL

Hurrah!

SAM

(READING) “Plus, I found out that getting married can significantly reduce your tax bill”. (HE
SMILES AND LOOKS AT THE OTHERS) ..You’re supposed to find that amusing. It says so in
the instructions.

TONY

Daniel can email a PDF to let everyone know.

SAM

(READING) “People tell me that I’m not the marrying type. That I love my car more than I
love my wife. But, let’s be fair - the car was here first!”

HE SMILES AND LOOKS TO THE OTHERS FOR APPROVAL

Now that is funny. You don’t think that’ll get a laugh?

TONY

Yeah, I’m sure Adolf will be pissing himself.

DANIEL

Stop interrupting. I want to hear the rest. (TO SAM) Stand up straight.

SAM

(READING) “My wife is one of those fascinating people whose mood and personality, likes
and dislikes, are constantly adjusting. The key that unlocks her heart has a secret password that
changes all the time. I hope I can keep guessing it correctly.”

34
TONY

I’m having trouble keeping down the foie gras.

DANIEL

(TO SAM) Keep going.

SAM

(READING) “They say that when couples marry, that as the years go by, they become more and
more like each other. But I hope she doesn’t become like me. I’m an arsehole and two of those
sharing an apartment just won’t work.”

TONY

(LAUGHING) I liked that bit. That was funny!

SAM

(READING) “And finally, I want to say that you, Annette, are the love of my life.”

DANIEL

..Annette? Annette!?!

SAM

Oh yeah – that should be Abigail – anybody got a pen?

DANIEL

Oh my God. Quick – let’s get to the top of the hill so I can throw myself off it!

SAM

I must have been distracted.

DANIEL

When writing the speech or in the entire relationship?

SAM

It was just a slip.

DANIEL

Houston, we have a problem.

SAM

Don’t be over-dramatic. You people are always so dramatic.

35
DANIEL

What people? (LOOKING AROUND EVERYWHERE) I don’t have people!

SAM

You know what I mean. Calm down.

DANIEL

I am calm. ..Alright, so I’m not calm, but are you surprised?

SAM

She’ll laugh when I tell her I made that mistake.

DANIEL

Don’t ever tell her!

SAM

Daniel, you’re getting hysterical.

TONY

I haven’t got a pen, but I do have a crayon.

TONY OFFERS SAM THE CRAYON AND HE TAKES IT

DANIEL

Don’t you see – that kind of mistake, Freudian slip, whatever, should not happen. Ever.

SAM

I’m crossing it out.

DANIEL

But that’s not the point.

SAM

I knew this was a mistake. (TO DANIEL) Look, the speech will be perfectly adequate.
However shit you think it is. I’m sure if she was marrying you, it would have been perfect.
Bursting with poetry and classical references. But you don’t get to write the speech. And it is
what it is and she’ll have to accept it. Yes, yours would have been better, but she isn’t marrying
you, Daniel, so get over it.

DANIEL

What? Have I slipped into a parallel universe?

36
TONY

Hang on, boys –

DANIEL

You think I want to marry your fiancé?

SAM

No, of course I don’t. But do you think it makes me feel great seeing what a perfect match you
are for each other. With your intimate little jokes and swapping fashion magazines and the very
best pals ever. While I’m this kind of alien that she’s still trying to work out.

DANIEL

If she really thought that, she wouldn’t be marrying you.

SAM

Well, let’s hope so. Let’s hope I’m not just a fuck buddy with a nice car.

TONY

Sam! Stop it now! ..You do not have a nice car.

SAM

(TO TONY) That’s a terrible thing to say.

TONY

Adding sporty wheels and painting it yellow does not turn a Ford into a Ferrari.

SAM

It has a Ferrari badge on it.

DANIEL

Which you bought off the internet. Which is probably where you should have got your wife.

SAM

Keep going on like that, Daniel, and I’ll punch you.

DANIEL

What just me – or all of “my people”?

SAM

Stop winding me up.

37
TONY

Everybody take it easy. Remember why we’re here.

DANIEL

If it’s not right – don’t go ahead with it.

SAM

That’s it. I’m going up the hill on my own! You can do what the hell you like.

HE PUTS HIS RUCKSACK ON

TONY

You can’t abandon us here.

SAM

Tony, we’ve only been walking a few hours. Turn around and keep going till you hit traffic.

SAM STARTS TO WALK OFF

TONY

And what about Gareth?

SAM

(STOPPING IN HIS TRACKS) Gareth isn’t here. He died, remember?

TONY

Then we owe it to him to go up the hill together. It’s not the first time we’ve argued. We’ll get
over it. Everyone needs to stop behaving like children. Daniel won’t ever mention the speech
again.

DANIEL

Erm, I don’t know if that´s strictly –

TONY

(REPEATING IT TO DANIEL WITH MORE EMPHASIS) Daniel won’t ever mention the
speech again. Okay?

DANIEL

..Okay.

SAM

Fine.

38
TONY

(TO SAM) Though if you ever again say Annette instead of Abigail – you better expect a
hurricane of shit.

SAM

You make the mistake all the time.

TONY

But I’m not going to bed with her! We really are worried about you, Sam. Maybe it’s too fast?

SAM

I didn’t set the speed. All I did was stumble onto the ride.

DANIEL

What does that mean?

SAM

I don’t know. Turns out that I don’t know anything.

HE SITS ON THE GROUND OR A ROCK AT THE EDGE OF THE STAGE

…What do you actually think of her?

TONY

Annette?

SAM

Abigail!

TONY

I like her. I suppose.

SAM

Suppose?

TONY

Well, it doesn’t matter really, does it? If you’re in love with her, that’s all there is to it. I don’t
analyze it. I simply accept your choice. Whoever you were marrying, I’d be fine with it. Even
if you were marrying a horse.

SAM

You’re comparing my fiancé to a horse?

39
TONY

Well, she does have a big nose…! (SAM STARES AT HIM) I’m joking you dickhead. The
point is that we want you to be happy. And if you’re having any doubts at all, we want you to
tell us. That’s all this is about.

SAM

Gareth would have been more tactful.

TONY

Maybe. But all you’ve got now is us. Sorry about that.

A PAUSE

SAM

…It’s not doubts. Just a bit of – I don’t know – first night nerves. ..It seems to have happened
so fast. I briefly mentioned, kind of – casually, in bed after – after - that maybe we should think
about getting engaged. And then we sort of cuddled a bit, dropped off to sleep. I didn’t really
put much thought into it and, to be honest, when I woke up in the morning, I had a vague plan to
withdraw the suggestion. You know – give the “I love you but I didn’t mean it about getting
engaged” speech.

DANIEL

That’s an actual “speech” is it? Can we download it?

TONY GESTURES FOR DANIEL TO BE QUIET

SAM

It didn’t seem a big deal at the time. I woke up, had a coffee. Then I was about to raise the
subject when I heard her on the phone to her mum discussing wedding plans! I mean, the paint
wasn’t even dry! But there they were throwing around ideas about dresses, churches, fucking
corsages. And she comes back in – eyes shining like diamonds, a huge smile, flushed cheeks,
gives me a full-on embrace. And I’m like – “oh crap”. ..She was so happy. I’d made her
really, really happy. I couldn’t steal that from her. I do love her. I do. I do love her.

DANIEL

You say that like you’re trying to convince yourself.

SAM

Define love, Daniel. Do any of us actually know what it is, what it feels like? It’s something
we’re told about, this mystical thing. But how do you know it when you have it? It’s a feeling
we’re supposed to have, but I’m not sure it exists inside everyone. Certainly not everyone
defines it the same way, feels it the same way. All I know is, I do want to be with her. Live
with her. Spend our time together.

40
TONY

Well, that’s it, then. That answers the question.

SAM

I’m simply - a bit annoyed that I have to marry her. As a physical thing to do, I mean. As an
event. It’s an awful lot of trouble, isn’t it.

DANIEL

Trouble? It’s supposed to be the most romantic, emotional, memorable thing you ever do.

SAM

And maybe it will be. I’m only expressing my concerns, you know. That’s fair enough, isn’t
it?

TONY

Sure it is. Daniel..?

DANIEL

I’m sorry, Sam. I want to be honest with you. This is not a good situation.

SAM

Alright. Fair enough. So give me some advice.

DANIEL

Me? I can give you advice on the speech and the flowers, but relationships? You’ve dialled the
wrong number. I’m the last person you should turn to. I’m gay, broken-hearted, sadly single
and completely disillusioned.

SAM

Perfect. Your life’s already fucked up - you’re in a great position to stop that happening to me.

DANIEL

Oh, thanks a bunch.

SAM

Don’t be offended.

DANIEL

I won’t if you stop saying offensive things..

SAM

I was only making a statement based on your current situation. I’m not saying your life will
always be fucked up, just that it’s fucked up right now.

41
DANIEL

Oh, I feel so much better..!

SAM

Daniel, we’re not even talking about you. Everything can’t always end up being about you.

DANIEL

And what does that mean?!

SAM

Oh Christ, forget it.

DANIEL

The next time you ask for advice, try and avoid wrapping it up in insults.

SAM

Okay – I apologise. Let’s abandon this stupid conversation. I need to clear my head. Which is
exactly what Gareth always came here to do. Maybe by the time we get to the top, everything
will be clear. A perfect view.

TONY

…Maybe we shouldn’t speak for the next hour? Stay with our own thoughts.

SAM

That sounds good. Let’s walk. Can’t we just walk? That’s what Gareth would have done. He
knew where he was going all the time and he got on with it. That’s why we’re all so lost. He
was our map. And sometimes you need a map.

DANIEL

(HOLDING UP THE MAP) My point exactly.

SAM

I was being metaphorical.

TONY

Metaphors, idioms - when will it end?!

SAM

I’ll see you guys further up the hill.

SAM GETS UP, WALKS AHEAD, AND EXITS

42
TONY

(TO DANIEL) ..Do you really feel sad and disillusioned?

DANIEL

I don’t want to. But I don’t feel I have a choice.

TONY

I understand that. More than you know. ..But you’ll find someone else. And when the
opportunity arises, I’ve got a three year old condom in my wallet with your name on it..!

DANIEL HELPS TONY PUT THE RUCKSACK ON HIS BACK

…You can’t let it beat you. It’s only a glitch. At least we still have each other.

DANIEL

Don’t speak too soon, we haven’t spent the night together in the tent yet.

TONY

Oh Christ, I forgot about that.

DANIEL

We’ve handled worse.

TONY

Yes. That we have.

THEY EXIT TOGETHER. MUSIC BEGINS -

“WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS” (LENNON-McCARTNEY)

(BEGINNING AT 0:08)

LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT

SCENE THREE

FURTHER UP THE HILL. SUNSET. SAM IS ON HIS OWN, FINISHING PUTTING UP THE
TENT, WHICH IS ALMOST FULLY ASSEMBLED. DANIEL ENTERS. APART FROM HIS
OWN RUCKSACK ON HIS BACK, HE IS ALSO CARRYING TONY’S RUCKSACK IN HIS
HAND. SAM STOPS WORKING AND LOOKS OVER AT HIM

SAM

Where’s Tony?

43
DANIEL LOOKS DOWN AT THE RUCKSACK IN HIS HAND AND FAKES BEING SHOCKED

DANIEL

Oh shit! He was attached to it a minute ago..!

HE LOOKS AROUND AS THOUGH HE HAS LOST SOMETHING

SAM

You should always stay together. Maybe he’s had an accident? Or turned back?

DANIEL

He can’t be very far away. You have to do these things at your own pace.

DANIEL PUTS DOWN TONY’S RUCKSACK AND THEN REMOVES HIS OWN

..Do you need help?

SAM

No, I can manage. I’ve been manhandling this tent for years. Haven’t used it in a while, mind
you. I used to go to rock festivals with this.

DANIEL

How old is it!?

SAM

Oh, it’s from way back when. There are things that happened inside this tent that you wouldn’t
believe.

DANIEL

I hope you’ve had it cleaned?

SAM

..Actually, that’s a good point. Never thought about that.

DANIEL

Don’t worry, I’ve brought some disinfectant wipes.

SAM

Yes, of course you have. Did you pack anything we could smoke?

DANIEL

I suppose you could roll one of them up..?

44
SAM

There, that’s starting to look more stable.

HE STANDS BACK AND LOOKS AT IT

..Makes me feel old looking at this.

DANIEL

Not you too, Peter Pan?

SAM

All I see is my lost youth. I used to fall into this tent, out of my head, covered in war paint, and
attached to some woman whose name I never knew. And drunk – so drunk. Or high. Covered
in mud, laughing, screaming, half deaf from the noise of the bands. ..And now, here I am, half
way up a hill on my way to a memorial service. About to spend a night in this tent not with a
bevy of female beauties, but two flatulent middle aged men.

DANIEL

Oy – not so much of the “middle aged”.

SAM

It’s a bit of a come down, isn’t it. Walking through those tent flaps used to be a moment of joy,
hope, testosterone. Now it’s sweaty armpits, burping and smelly feet.

DANIEL

Which one am I?

SAM

They do say life’s a joke.

DANIEL

Yes. Not a very funny joke. (LOOKING AT THE TENT) You sure there’s room for three
bodies in there?

SAM

Oh yes – quite sure!

DANIEL

Sorry I asked.

SAM

Four at a push.

45
DANIEL

That’s more than I need to know, thank you.

SAM

Shall we have a hot drink? I’ve got the camping stove. We need the cups.

DANIEL

I’ve got those. (HE GETS THE CUPS FROM HIS BACKPACK) What about water?

SAM

I filled the bottle from the stream.

SAM STARTS PREPARING EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO BOIL THE WATER

..Check Tony’s rucksack for the tea bags.

DANIEL LOOKS FOR THE TEA BAGS, BUT FIRST FINDS A BOOK AND A PACKET OF
BISCUITS WHICH HE PUTS TO ONE SIDE

SAM

Did that bastard smuggle in some biscuits?

DANIEL

Maybe it’s in case we got snowed in.

SAM

It’s the middle of spring! (SEEING THE BOOK) ..And what’s that?

DANIEL

His notebook or something.

SAM

Let’s have a look.

DANIEL

No! It might be personal. I think it’s his private diary.

SAM

Why can’t I read it?

DANIEL

The clue is in the title.

SAM PICKS THE NOTEBOOK UP ANYWAY

46
..You are not allowed to read that!

SAM

And Tony is not allowed to bring secret biscuits!

SAM FLICKS THROUGH THE PAGES OF THE NOTEBOOK, WHILE DANIEL SETS ABOUT
MAKING THE TEA –

POURING WATER FROM A BOTTLE INTO A LIGHT SMALL SAUCEPAN AND PUTTING IT
ON TOP OF THE CAMPING STOVE. SAM READS A FEW LINES AND LAUGHS

DANIEL

I don’t want to hear anything that mentions me.

SAM

You sure?

DANIEL

Sam – give it back. I’ve found the tea bags.

SAM

Hang on. I’ll just read one bit. Let’s see what he wrote last night.

DANIEL

Then keep it to yourself. …I don’t know how to turn this on.

SAM

Button on the side.

DANIEL

Which button?

SAM

Don’t interrupt – I’m reading!

DANIEL

You’re not reading, you’re invading.

AS DANIEL STARTS BOILING THE WATER, SAM CONTINUES TO READ. HIS FACE
SUDDENLY CHANGES, EXPRESSING CONCERN. SAM COMES TO DANIEL AND SITS
NEXT TO HIM

SAM

You need to see this.

47
DANIEL

No, absolutely not. Those are his own private thoughts and he’s entitled to hold on to them. I
don’t care what he says about me, whether he mocks me, takes the piss out of me, whatever.

SAM

It’s not about you.

DANIEL

Well, if he’s taking the piss out of you, that might be worth a look.

SAM

No, nothing like that. It reads like a goodbye.

DANIEL

What are you going on about?

SAM HANDS DANIEL THE NOTEBOOK, BUT DANIEL RESISTS READING IT

SAM

Trust me – you need to read this.

DANIEL RELENTS AND READS THE LAST ENTRY IN THE NOTEBOOK

DANIEL

(READING) “If this is the last thing I write, please know that I’ve enjoyed being here. Though
not as much as Gareth enjoyed being here. What is there really to look forward to? If he’s not
around, maybe I shouldn’t be either..?”

SAM

What the hell does that mean?

DANIEL

He hasn’t written anything else after that. Those are his final words.

SAM

Is it a suicide note?

DANIEL

Don’t be dramatic. He was just having a bad moment - we all have bad moments. He’s
expressing his anxieties – his personal anxieties. You shouldn’t have picked it up!

SAM

You’re the one that was rooting around in his rucksack.

48
DANIEL

To find tea bags! If he ever finds out we read this, he’ll be furious.

AT THIS MOMENT, TONY APPEARS FROM AN UNEXPECTED DIRECTION

TONY

You bastards! You fucking bastards!

DANIEL

I’m sorry.

SAM

We’re so sorry.

TONY

Those fucking biscuits are for me! If you wanted fucking biscuits, you should have brought
your own fucking biscuits.

RELIEVED THAT HE HASN´T SEEN THE NOTEBOOK, DANIEL SMUGGLES IT BACK

INTO THE RUCKSACK

…And who gave you permission to look in my bag?

SAM

We wanted the tea. So we could have some tea ...and biscuits.

TONY

No – no biscuits for you, mate. (HE GRABS THE BISCUITS) That’s an invasion of privacy.

SAM

What have you got to be private about? You don’t have to be private about anything. Not with
us. And besides – where the hell did you come from?

TONY

I took the scenic route.

SAM

Why?

TONY

Not deliberately!

DANIEL

(RETURNING THEM TO THE RUCKSACK) I’ll put the biscuits back.

49
TONY

Don’t be stupid. You can have the biscuits. They were meant for all of us. It was a surprise!

SAM AND DANIEL FAKE A MOMENT OF DELIGHT AND SURPRISE. TONY LOOKS OVER
AT THE TENT

…Only one bloody tent – whose idea was that?

SAM

I couldn’t manage to carry two more and an en suite bathroom. It’s a bit of a squeeze but don’t
worry - we can all fit in there.

TONY

I remember you used to have a tent like this at college. We used to call it the Syphillis Tent.
The girls used to leave lipstick kisses on the flaps, like comments in a guestbook.

HE NOW NOTICES THAT THE FLAPS OF THE TENT HAVE FADED LIPSTICK KISSES ON
THEM

(REALIZING) - Oh my God! I thought you had this burned! Or donated to a centre for tropical
diseases.

SAM

It’s had a wash down.

TONY

A wash down? It needs a bloody good scrubbing like Meryl Streep in “Silkwood”.

SAM

What’s that?

DANIEL

Mike Nichols movie, 1983.

SAM

Have I seen it?

DANIEL

No, you were too busy in the tent.

TONY EXAMINES THE TENT

TONY

Daniel, I don’t suppose you brought - ?

50
DANIEL

Anti-bacterial wipes? Yes, they’re in my bag.

TONY

Well, that’s a relief! Added to which - how the hell are we all going to..? What’s the sleeping
arrangement?

SAM

One of us lays on the left, head at the back of the tent, the middle one has his feet to the back of
the tent and head to the flap, and then the one on the right, the other way up. Head feet head.

DANIEL

Why? Why can’t we sleep next to each other like normal people? You worried you’re going to
fall in love with me before sunrise?

SAM

It’s in case of accidental snuggling.

DANIEL

Is that a real condition?

SAM

When you’re sleeping, you roll over, you put a hand out. You inadvertently dream about stuff
that – you know, gets you excited – and so the system has been put in place to -

DANIEL

Oh my god! We’re not 19!

SAM

I didn’t invent the system! It’s what guys do – in a tent.

DANIEL

Oh, well if it’s an official system – head feet head – then far be it from me to argue. And I’m
the middle one. Mr feet - the middle guy.

SAM

Hang on - that’s normally me. I’m better suited to facing the flap. I can keep a bit of an eye on
what’s going on outside, watch for predators.

DANIEL

Predators?!

51
TONY

We’re up a hill, it’s not Jurassic Park.

SAM

Well, whatever – the positioning doesn’t really matter, does it?

DANIEL

It matters to me. I can’t want to be at the sides, because then it feels uneven. There’s no
balance, I won’t feel balanced. I’m much more comfortable in the middle because that creates
order.

TONY

(TO SAM) Why did you even question it? Didn’t we have enough of this in the car?

SAM

I didn’t think it applied to every scenario. (TO DANIEL) You need to relax about these things,
Daniel.

DANIEL

I am relaxed – who says I’m not relaxed?

SAM

There are always six bottles of coke in your fridge and when one day I turned up with an extra
bottle, you took one out and put it in the cupboard. Because you couldn’t cope with an un-even
number of bottles.

DANIEL

What’s your point?

SAM

It’s weird.

DANIEL

Well, none of us are perfect, are we?

SAM

Speak for yourself.

DANIEL CONTINUES MAKING THE TEA. SAM ABANDONS THE CONVERSATION AND
CHECKS THE TENT. TONY SITS NEXT TO DANIEL

TONY

(TO SAM) …How far do we have to go?

52
SAM

We’re beyond half way. The idea is to get up early tomorrow and reach the top of the hill
before noon.

TONY

Then get back down again.

SAM

It’s an easier walk to the bottom. Could do it in a day.

TONY

Be faster to throw yourself over the edge.

SAM AND DANIEL BOTH STOP FOR A SECOND

SAM

..Why would you do that, Tony?

TONY

For speed and efficiency. (HE CHUCKLES) ..It was a joke.

DANIEL AND TONY CONSIDER THIS FOR A MOMENT AND THEN FAKE LAUGH ALONG
WITH HIM

…Are you two alright? You’re being slightly psycho.

DANIEL

We’re fine. We’re just - ..it was a long walk.

TONY

Yeah, my calves really ache. And my feet. All that climbing. Reminds me of that prostitute –
the one on the 8th floor.

DANIEL

You’ve lost me.

TONY

Two prostitutes meet in the street, Anastasia and Chastity. One asks the other where she’s
working these days and Anastasia replies “up on the 8th floor – and there’s no lift!” “That’s
awful” says Chastity, “and how many clients have you had tonight?” “I’ve had six of them up
to the 8th floor” she replies. “Six!? She says. “Oh your poor feet…”

SAM AND DANIEL BOTH SMILE AND LAUGH A LITTLE

…And that’s how I feel. Knackered feet and totally fucked.

53
DANIEL

It’s a charming way to put it.

TONY

Well, it’s good to have a laugh about things, isn’t it.

SAM CROSSES TO TONY AND PUTS A SUPPORTIVE HAND ON HIS SHOULDER

SAM

Yes – always good to see the funny side – stay positive.

TONY IS TAKEN ABACK BY THIS AND LOOKS AT SAM

TONY

You alright?

SAM

Yeah – just being a friend. Supportive.

TONY

Okay. So long as you haven’t been abducted by aliens or anything…?

SAM

I’m fine, Tony. How are you?

TONY

Why do you ask?

SAM

It’s not odd for a friend to ask how a mate is doing.

TONY

It is for a self obsessive narcissist like you.

SAM

I’m only trying to say that – if you ever need to open up about anything…we’re here for you.

SAM SITS NEXT TO TONY

TONY

And what would I need to open up about?

SAM

Life, love, work..?

54
TONY

I work for an insurance company that specialises in selling policies to pensioners. I will never
want to open up about work.

SAM

Then maybe at some time you’ll want to express some thoughts about Gareth..? I mean, we
haven’t really spoken at any length at all about what happened, none of us. That’s possibly
something we need to do. How it’s affected us. I know that’s not easy. We’re guys, blokes,
alpha males. Most of us aren’t designed to express our inner feelings. Daniel’s people are
much better at that.

DANIEL

How many more times? I don’t have “people”!

SAM

My point is – what I’m only trying to say is – maybe we should talk?

TONY

Yes, maybe we should.

DANIEL

Yes, definitely.

NOBODY SAYS ANYTHING

…So – are we going to then?

TONY

There’s no rush. Let’s have a drink.

SAM

Good idea.

THEY ALL SIT ON THE GROUND (OR ON ROCKS) TOGETHER. DANIEL POURS THE
HOT WATER INTO THE CUPS

(TO DANIEL) Although, now we’ve got this moment together. I thought it would be
interesting to ask you something..

DANIEL

(KEEN) You want my advice on how to style your hair?

SAM

(OFFENDED) No.

55
DANIEL

Oh. That’s a shame.

SAM

I want to know what you’ve been thinking about - during the walk?

DANIEL

Why?

SAM

I find it can be quite surprising. When you’re out in the fresh air, oxygen pumped into your
head, a person can have all kinds of revelatory thoughts. The brain starts clearing out all the
garbage. And zooms in on what’s important.

TONY

Like invitations and pork medallions?

SAM

Yes, that was pretty much it, in my case. Clearly I haven’t thrown the garbage out yet.

DANIEL

Nothing surprising from me. Sorry to disappoint. I’ve only been thinking about how I need to
change my job.

TONY

Why? You’ve got a nice job.

DANIEL

I’m surrounded all day by dead things.

TONY

You don’t work in a mortuary!

DANIEL

But museums are mortuaries. Full of people’s ancient possessions, old parchments, vases used
by civilizations that got slaughtered a thousand years ago. Everything locked in yellowing glass
cases for people to stare at. Nothing moves or speaks, nothing lives. It only sits there, decaying
in the dust.

TONY

Well, I can see why they hired you..!

56
DANIEL

They expect me to promote this – attract groups of school children, families at Easter. But I
can’t help the feeling that they should all go somewhere else. Have fun on the beach, explore
some caves, run across a field of wheat. Not stand in a room in a dull old building staring at
inanimate old stuff just because some half comatose marketing director told you to.

SAM

Yes, you should definitely change your job.

DANIEL

I know! I wish it was that easy. But you try getting a new job at our age.

SAM

We’re not old, Daniel.

DANIEL

We’re definitely not young. Not to anybody looking to hire someone. I walk in the room
feeling youthful and full of ideas. But what they see is an old fashioned bastard with major
potential for prostate problems. They don’t want us. They want young, healthy, enthusiastic,
naive young men. Fresh out of college so they can mine all their ideas, over-work them and pay
them less. So I’m probably stuck there, with the skulls and the old swords. It’s not good for the
soul.

TONY

If it makes you unhappy, do something else. Anything else. You can always come to my place
and help sell travel insurance to pensioners.

DANIEL

Things aren’t that bad..!

TONY

Cheers for that.

DANIEL

I suppose it’s not helped by the break up. It’s put a bit of a shadow over everything.

SAM

Well, the thing about that relationship is that -

DANIEL

I don’t want to hear about it!

57
SAM

Hang on a minute, I haven´t even –

DANIEL

Stop. I know exactly what you’re going to –

SAM

Why don’t we ever fully share our feelings about anything!? What is wrong with us!?

DANIEL

We do fully share our feelings. I just don’t want to share my feelings about that.

SAM

Then you shouldn’t have raised the subject.

DANIEL

I did it only in reference to my career – my miserable stuffed owl and drooping flags career. I
wasn’t in any way opening the door to some major debate about my disastrous heart-breaking
ex relationship. That subject is closed!

SAM

Alright - why all the drama?

DANIEL

I am not being dramatic!

SAM

You most certainly are! Honestly – you people.

DANIEL

(RILED) Actually, Sam, I just had a call from “my people” - and they all told you to fuck off!

TONY

Hey – hey! Let’s all have a biscuit and chill out, shall we?

HE OFFERS THE BISCUITS AROUND

…Enjoy the cholesterol.

THEY ALL TAKE A BISCUIT

SAM

(AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT) ..And what’s wrong with my hair?

58
DANIEL

Honestly?

SAM

Please.

DANIEL

It looks like it was cut by an epileptic.

SAM

It’s the roughed up look, casual. I leave it messed up deliberately. It’s that “I just got out of
bed” look.

DANIEL

That’s not a look, that’s can’t be arsed. But I’m not worried. I’m sure Abigail will eventually
get her hands on it.

SAM

Abigail likes it exactly as it is.

DANIEL

Erm…she doesn’t actually.

SAM

Oh, well I’ll be sure to consult with you about all of her opinions on me. Any notes or
comments you want to pass on now about my technique in bed?

DANIEL

We haven’t covered that.

SAM

Good! Make sure you bloody don’t!

DANIEL LOOKS AT TONY AND PULLS A FACE, HAVING CLEARLY DISCUSSED ALL THIS
WITH ABIGAIL

..Give me another biscuit.

TONY

Wouldn’t you prefer a date and nut energy bar?

SAM

Oh stick it up your arse!

59
TONY

Don’t start on me!

SAM GRABS ANOTHER BISCUIT AND EATS IT, SULKILY

..I can’t wait to sleep in a tent with you two!

SAM

Do you still snore?

TONY

No.

SAM

But how would you know that?

TONY

That’s a very good question. I’m having trouble getting hold of witnesses. ..Do either of you?

DANIEL

I wear a nose clip. It pinches the bridge of your nose to stop any noise. It works, but it’s quite
uncomfortable.

TONY

Well you hardly ever need to wear that now, do you. You sleep alone since your boyfriend left
you.

DANIEL

(AGHAST) Oh yes..! Every cloud..!

SAM

I never snore myself

DANIEL

Well, no, perfection doesn’t.

TONY

I don’t know why we’re so bothered anyway. We’ll fall straight to sleep after all this walking.

DANIEL

Yes, I’ll be out like a light.

60
TONY

Do you both dream?

SAM

Yeah, of course. But nothing that makes sense.

TONY

I hardly ever remember mine. Occasionally tiny bits. I know that Gareth pops up now and
then. In a variety of roles. It’s nice to see him. Wish I could remember more - work out what it
all means.

DANIEL

I have this one recurring dream about my school exams. I’m panicked that I haven’t studied
enough and that I’m bound to fail all of them. Then I jump out of bed, ready to grab my tie and
satchel and run to school. Then reality suddenly dawns on me and I realise that all of that was
long, long time ago. I feel such a wave of relief. Like a block of cement is being lifted off my
shoulders. I have that dream quite often. Somewhere deep in my soul the stress of those exams
has never gone away. I don’t think we ever get rid of those days of extreme anxiety. It buries
itself somewhere deep inside. Then comes to get you in the middle of the night.

TONY

I never had any anxiety about my school exams – I was predicted to fail all my exams and I
didn’t disappoint anybody. My French teacher told my mother that I would never amount to
anything. I would love to bump into him one day and thank him properly. With a large shovel.

SAM

He’s probably old and incontinent by now.

TONY

Well – fingers crossed..!

SAM

Now what about answering my original question?

TONY

Yes – your hair does look like squirrels have had a gang bang in it.

SAM

I meant – the other question.

TONY

I’ve forgotten, it was so long ago.

61
SAM

While you were walking – what you were -

TONY

Oh, that? Actually, my thoughts were all very creative. Quite entertaining, despite the aches
and pains. And the blisters – I’m sure I’ve got blisters.

DANIEL

I’ve got some cream and special plasters.

TONY

Of course you have – that’s why we invited you.

SAM

So..?

TONY

I was – well, if you really want to know? ...I was planning my funeral service.

SAM AND DANIEL NEARLY CHOKE ON THEIR DRINKS AND BISCUITS

Don’t be shocked! It’s quite a normal thing to do.

SAM

On which planet?

TONY

I’ve got a mental list of who should be invited to the church and who should be deterred. I’ve a
preference for the location, of course, and the kind of speeches that I want, the tone of
everything. Plus I’ve worked out the precise details of the cremation.

SAM

Cremation? Why would you do that?

TONY

Well, I don’t want to be stuck in a box for a hundred years. I get claustrophobic enough when
I’m in a lift.

SAM

I mean, why would you want to even be planning that?

TONY

It’s important to have it all sorted. Otherwise you’re not going to get the farewell that you want.

62
The final music you hear on this earth could be some terrible song chosen by your cousin that
you’ve always hated. Imagine being blasted off to eternity with “Copacabana” ringing in your
ears. Much better to make a list. So as I was walking, I was going through all of the songs that
I like. My very favourite music. From years gone by and from today, songs that mean
something to me. I’ve got one for when the guests arrive, one to be sung half way through the
service, one for when everybody leaves the church in tears, and of course I’ve chosen another
for when they close the curtain and lower the coffin. ...I’ve had a most enjoyable afternoon.

HE SMILES, TAKES A BISCUIT, AND EATS IT

SAM

But - ..Why would..? I mean – ..Tony, what are - .. Are you..?

TONY

(TO SAM) Are you having a stroke?

SAM

No, I - ..I can’t even seem to get the words out.

SAM ABANDONS TRYING TO SAY ANYTHING AND TAKES ANOTHER BISCUIT

DANIEL

I think what Sam’s trying to says is – Why? Why now, I mean? Why are you thinking about
your funeral now?

TONY

It’s coming to us all eventually.

DANIEL

Yeah, but not in the next ten minutes! ..Not unless you poisoned the biscuits..

SAM WAS ABOUT TO PUT THE BISCUIT IN HIS MOUTH, BUT NOW CHANGES HIS MIND

TONY

I just want to be ready.

DANIEL

I’m sorry, Tony, but that doesn’t make any sense.

TONY

You don’t ever think about your own mortality?

DANIEL

Sure. Every time I get up and drive to work, I wonder when the pain will end. But that doesn’t
mean I want to start organising my death and putting together a mix tape.

63
TONY

Well, we all have to do things at our own pace. Like climbing a hill. I do feel that Gareth’s
funeral was so badly done. It felt thrown together at the last minute.

SAM

It was. Everyone was in shock the first ten days.

TONY

I was sat there thinking “Oh, Gareth would have hated that”. People that he never really liked
giving speeches. Obscure hymns that nobody knew the words to and would have driven him to
despair. Everyone in black. He would have been so upset about that. Gareth was bright, not
dark. And he would have wanted good songs. That’s what I want when I say goodbye. You
always want to end with a good song..

MUSIC BEGINS –

“HALLELUJAH”” (SUNG BY RUFUS WAINWRIGHT) (FROM 0:00)

TONY DRINKS HIS TEA. SAM AND DANIEL LOOK ACROSS AT EACH OTHER, DEEPLY
CONCERNED BUT SAYING NOTHING. AFTER A MOMENT, DANIEL DECIDES TO SIT
CLOSER TO TONY AND MOVES TO BE RIGHT AT HIS SIDE. TONY ACKNOWLEDGES
THIS AND SMILES AT HIM. THEN SAM DOES THE SAME, SITTING HIMSELF CLOSE BY
ON TONY’S OTHER SIDE. THEN, THEY ALL SUPPORTIVELY PUT THEIR ARMS
AROUND EACH OTHER. WITH THE SONG CONTINUING, THE LIGHTS VERY SLOWLY
FADE DOWN, LIKE THE SUN SETTING AT THE END OF THE DAY

WHEN WE REACH BLACKOUT, THE MUSIC FADES INTO THE DISTANCE

END OF ACT ONE

IF THE SHOW IS PLAYED WITHOUT AN INTERVAL, THE MUSIC SHOULD NOT FADE
OUT, BUT CONTINUE TO PLAY THROUGH THE SCENE CHANGE

64
 ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. DIM MOONLIGHT RISES ON THE TENT, WITH
THEM INSIDE. THE FRONT FLAP IS SLOWLY UN-ZIPPED OPEN AND WE SEE A TORCH
SWITCHED ON INSIDE THE TENT. THE TORCHLIGHT SHINES OUT OF THE FLAP AND
INTO THE NIGHT. DANIEL’S HEAD APPEARS. HE LOOKS AROUND, SHINING THE
TORCHLIGHT IN ALL DIRECTIONS

SAM

(FROM INSIDE THE TENT) Who’s doing that?

DANIEL

Oh, are you awake?

SAM

(INSIDE THE TENT) I am now!

DANIEL

I thought I heard something.

SAM

(INSIDE THE TENT) Like what?

DANIEL

I’m not sure – it was probably nothing.

SAM

(INSIDE THE TENT) Oh good – so long as it was important! ..Can you move your feet?

DANIEL

Eh?

SAM

(INSIDE THE TENT) Your feet! They’re virtually right up my nose!

DANIEL

“Head-feet-head” is your system, Sam. Not my fault.

SAM MANOEUVRES INSIDE THE TENT AND HIS HEAD JOINS DANIEL, LOOKING OUT
OF THE FLAP

65
..You received a couple of messages on your mobile.

SAM

I didn’t notice.

DANIEL

“I love you” and “I miss you”. “Kiss, kiss”.

SAM

Well, that’s very sweet of you, Daniel, I appreciate that.

DANIEL

You should turn your phone off. Abigail likes sending messages at all hours. She does it to me
too. She doesn’t sleep very well.

SAM

She sleeps fine when she’s with me. Though, of course, she’s probably exhausted from all the
screams of passion.

DANIEL

Yeah, that’ll be it. Though maybe she’s just pretending?

SAM

Pretending to be asleep?

DANIEL

You can go with that option, if you like.

DANIEL SHINES THE TORCH AROUND AGAIN

SAM

Stop shining the bloody torch, there’s nothing out there.

DANIEL

But I want to see what the night looks like up here. I’m used to seeing streets and lampposts.
It’s nice instead to catch the moonlight on the stones and grass, the brightness of the stars. Plus,
obviously, to check there are no wild animals waiting to tear us apart. Or murderers wandering
about. Or, of course – clowns. Fucking hate clowns..

HE SHINES THE TORCH INTO THE DARK MORE NERVOUSLY

SAM

Yeah, you often get murdering clowns up here. They never thought about that when they closed
down the circus, did they.

66
DANIEL

No, they didn’t! You have to be on your guard. They try and attract your attention with
balloons..

SAM

Oh, give it a rest, Daniel. Most men grow out of that when they’re about 13.

DANIEL

I don’t think being “most men” is very ambitious. ..I need more light. Luckily, I packed a
lantern and a candle.

SAM

A lantern and a candle?! Are we planning to visit baby Jesus?

DANIEL

I don’t like engaging with someone when I can’t see their face.

SAM

Hang on.

SAM GETS HIS MOBILE, PUTS IT ON TORCH MODE, AND SHINES IT ON HIS OWN FACE

..There – better?

DANIEL

(LOOKING AT SAM’S FACE) Oh, bloody hell. You even look good at four in the morning
after a night in a tent.

SAM

Yes, I believe that’s true.

DANIEL

It’s not fair how some people get to win the DNA lottery. End up handsomer, taller, stronger.
Simply by a randomly chosen sequence of nucleotides. A few tiny chemical reactions defining
the path of your entire life.

SAM

It’s a bit early in the day for nucleotides, Daniel.

DANIEL

Yes – sorry. My brain always wakes up hours before the rest of me. …Peaceful out here, isn’t
it?

67
SAM

Yeah, it’s beautiful in its own way. You can see why Gareth liked it. The rest of the world
disappears. But it’s considerably better when the sun’s out. I’m going back to sleep. Please try
and avoid ramming your feet in my ears.

DANIEL

I thought my feet were up your nose?

SAM

That was when I was laying on my side, now I’m going to lay on my back. Same problem,
different cavities.

SAM SWITCHES OFF HIS MOBILE AND WITHDRAWS INTO THE TENT. DANIEL, NOW
ALONE, SHINES HIS TORCH ON HIS OWN FACE, FROM UNDERNEATH HIS CHIN. HE
THEN STARTS MAKING GHOSTLY HOWLING NOISES AS THOUGH TRYING TO SCARE
HIMSELF

DANIEL

(TO HIMSELF) Ooooh..! Ooooooh! (HE THEN PULLS AN EVIL CLOWN FACE) ..”Hello
Daniel. Would you like a balloon? ..Redrum…Redrum..!”

SAM

(FROM INSIDE) Oh shut the fuck up..!

DANIEL

Sorry.

DANIEL PREPARES TO WITHDRAW, BUT SHINES THE TORCH QUICKLY AROUND A

FINAL TIME. SUDDENLY IT LIGHTS A FIGURE STANDING AT THE EDGE OF THE
STAGE. DANIEL SCREAMS.

Aaaaarrrghghgh!

DANIEL DROPS THE TORCH ON THE GROUND AND WITHDRAWS HURRIEDLY INTO
THE TENT

(FROM INSIDE) There’s someone out there! Someone’s out there!

SAM

(FROM INSIDE) Oh, don’t be so –

DANIEL

(FROM INSIDE) I´m serious! Quick - have we got a gun?

SAM

(FROM INSIDE) No, I haven’t got a gun!

68
You’ll have to hack him to death with your lantern and candle!

SAM LOOKS OUT THE FLAP OF THE TENT

SAM

Anybody there?

HE SEES THE OUTLINE OF THE MYSTERIOUS FIGURE. IT IS TONY.

TONY

Yes, but keep the noise down, you’ll wake the neighbours.

TONY LIGHTS HIS OWN FACE WITH A TORCH

…It’s me.

SAM

For Christ’s sake Tony, we thought you were in here asleep.

TONY

I stuffed my rucksack inside the sleeping bag, so it looked like I was still there.. I didn’t want to
worry Daniel if he woke up in the middle of the night.

SAM

He just leapt on top of me screaming. Maybe that plan didn’t go too well?

DANIEL NOW CRAWLS OUT OF THE TENT BY CLAMBERING OVER SAM

SAM

Ow!

DANIEL IS WEARING HIS PAISLEY DESIGN PYJAMAS

DANIEL

You scared me! I nearly embarrassed myself!

SAM

“Nearly”?

DANIEL

I could have ruined my new pyjamas!

TONY SHINES THE TORCH ON DANIEL, NOW STANDING IN HIS PYJAMAS. SAM
WITHDRAWS INTO THE TENT

69
TONY

Are they the only ones they had left?

DANIEL

They’re paisley Ralph Lauren.

TONY

I’ve no idea what that means, you could be speaking Japanese.

DANIEL

What are you doing out here?

TONY

Nothing.

DANIEL

Can’t you do nothing inside the tent?

TONY

What – with your bloody toes in my teeth?

DANIEL

The sleeping bag was too claustrophobic, I had to free myself.

SAM EMERGES FROM THE TENT, CARRYING A CANDLE-LIT LANTERN. IT IS BATTERY

OPERATED, NOT A REAL CANDLE, HENCE THE SPEED WITH WHICH HE LIT IT UP. HE
IS SHIRTLESS AND WEARING FOOTBALL SHORTS

SAM

Now what’s going on, Tony? You can’t be wandering about in your underwear up a hill in the
middle of the night. The whole idea of me carrying a tent all the way up here is that you
actually sleep in it.

TONY

Is that a lantern?

SAM

Yes.

TONY

I didn’t know we had a lantern.

70
SAM

Nor did I. But it’ll be handy when we get to Bethlehem.

SAM STANDS NEXT TO DANIEL SO THAT THE LANTERN LIGHTS BOTH OF THEM

TONY

Look, you guys go back to bed. I’m fine out here.

DANIEL

You might not be, Tony. It’s pitch black out here, you could have an accident, trip over a rock
or something. Or get eaten by wolves.

SAM

There are no wolves up here.

DANIEL

How do you know that?

SAM

Because we’re not in a 1980’s B-movie.

DANIEL

The way my life is going, I’m not entirely sure about that. (TO TONY) Now come back inside.

TONY

No, I prefer to stay out here a bit longer.

DANIEL

Tony – get in the tent.

TONY MIMICS DANIEL’S EVIL CLOWN FACE AND VOICE WITH THE TORCH UNDER
HIS CHIN

TONY

But I want you to come to the circus..!

DANIEL

Stop it! Stop that now! That’s not funny.

SAM

(TO DANIEL, LAUGHING) It was quite funny, actually. But nothing on you - you’re fucking
hilarious. (HE TURNS AGAIN TO TONY) ..Come on, mate. Let’s get inside.

71
TONY

No - give me five more minutes.

SAM

Why?

TONY

Oh, you know… There are things to think about. I’ve got a lot on my mind.

SAM CROSSES TO TONY. TONY LETS THE TORCH DROP DOWN WHEN THE LANTERN
LIGHT COVERS THEM BOTH

SAM

I spent the whole evening trying to get you to talk to us – your friends. And you prefer not to do
that, but instead to wander out on a hill in the dark and talk to yourself! Can’t you see how
ridiculous that is?

TONY

Oh yes, I know how ridiculous I am. I don’t want to burden you with my problems.

SAM

Tony – you don’t have problems. You’re the jolly, funny guy. The one that brightens us all up.
Honestly, mate. What’s come over you recently?

TONY

You’ve noticed that, have you? I thought I was doing a brilliant job at keeping it to myself.

SAM

Well, I guess I must be in tune with these kind of things. Natural intuition. You may not
always be aware of it, but I’m very sensitive to other people’s inner emotions.

DANIEL

Plus he read your diary.

SAM

Daniel!

DANIEL

(MOVING INTO THE LIGHT OF THE LANTERN) It’s four in the morning – let’s cut the
bullshit. It’s cold, I’m tired – and I need a wee.

TONY

(TO SAM) You read my diary?

72
SAM

I did not read your diary. ..Well, I sort of did, yeah. Only a bit of it. We saw it sitting there in
your bag and I thought it might be good for a laugh, that’s all.

DANIEL

I told him not to, that it was private.

SAM

Yes, I knew it was private. But I decided to read it anyway. And do you know why?

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) Because you’re a dickhead.

SAM

Oh, blimey, the evil twins are ganging up again. Look – I didn’t worry about it because
whatever’s written there, whatever you say, it’s all the same to me. I will like you exactly the
same – always be your best mate. So I didn’t see any harm in it. Only, I wasn’t expecting -
..I wasn’t expecting you to say that you were - ..For you to say that..

DANIEL

For you to say “goodbye”. Why would you write a note in there where you basically say
goodbye?

TONY

I wasn’t. It was only a random thought.

DANIEL

Random thoughts can be dangerous.

TONY

They can also be private.

SAM

Well, to be fair, they’re not private anymore.

DANIEL

No, not now you invaded them.

SAM

It wasn’t an invasion.

TONY

It was. A secret invasion. A Trojan Horse.

73
DANIEL

Please – no historical references, I’m on holiday.

TONY

I’ll talk about it if and when I want to – if and when I choose to.

SAM

Alright – that’s fair enough. But you need to un-load these dark thoughts with us at some point
– and very soon. OK? ..Though, right now, all I want you to do is get back in the tent. And
stay in the tent till the sun comes up. I can’t sleep if I’m worried about you. So can we at least
agree to that? Let’s all get inside.

DANIEL

I need a wee first. I need a wee very badly.

SAM

Now you mention it, so do I. I didn’t need one until you mentioned it, but that’s bladders for
you.

DANIEL IDENTIFIES A ROCK AND GOES OVER TO URINATE. SAM GOES WITH HIM
AND PLACES THE LANTERN BEHIND THEM BOTH SO THEY CAN ROUGHLY SEE
WHERE THEY ARE AIMING

DANIEL

(TO SAM) Can you stand a bit further away?

SAM

What? Why?

DANIEL

You know I can’t wee freely if someone is standing right next to me, or looking at me.

SAM

It’s pitch black! Even a fucking owl can’t see us.

DANIEL

It’s not about that. Psychologically I just can’t do it. The tap doesn’t open. Move a bit more to
the side.

SAM

You need therapy.

74
DANIEL

Yeah, I’ll make some calls – if all three of us go, we might get a special rate.

SAM STEPS A BIT MORE TO THE SIDE AND THE TWO OF THEM URINATE UPSTAGE BY
THE LIGHT OF THE LANTERN

DANIEL

(MID-WEE) Tony - don’t you need to go too?

TONY

No. I watered the flowers earlier.

SAM FINISHES, DOES HIMSELF UP, AND GRABS THE LANTERN. HE APPROACHES
TONY

DANIEL

Oy – who turned the lights out?

SAM

(TO TONY) Tony – please come to bed.

TONY

I don’t want to come to bed yet.

SAM

You need to get some sleep. Then we’ll see how things are in the morning.

DANIEL

You two sound like you’re a married couple.

SAM / TONY

(AT THE SAME TIME, SARCASTIC) Oh, thanks a lot!

THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG AS IF TO SAY “WHY DID YOU SAY
THAT?”

SAM

You’re too good for me anyway. ..Come on, mate, please.

TONY FINALLY NODS IN AGREEMENT AND THE TWO OF THEM WALK TOGETHER TO
THE TENT

DANIEL

Hang on, wait for me. Don’t leave me here on my own - there might be snakes.

75
THEY WAIT FOR DANIEL TO FINISH. HE JOINS THEM. SAM HOLDS THE LANTERN AS
THE OTHER TWO CRAWL INSIDE THE TENT

SAM

This time, Daniel, I’m going in the middle.

DANIEL

(INSIDE) No!

SAM

I’m not debating it! It’s only a few hours till sunrise.

DANIEL

(INSIDE) Sam –

SAM

(SHOUTING) Shut up and do as you’re told!

DANIEL

(INSIDE) Don’t shout. You’ll attract any escaped convicts that happen to be around.

SAM

Don’t put your escaped convict fantasies into my head, thank you.

DANIEL

That was quite a good movie, actually.

SAM

Yeah, I’m sure it was.

SAM NOW GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLS BACKWARDS INTO THE
TENT. HE THEN LIES DOWN, HIS FACE PEERING OUT OF THE FLAP

…Right. Everyone settled?

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) Yes..

SAM

Good. Goodnight then, children.

HE SWITCHES OFF THE LANTERN. WE ARE IN BLACKOUT. MUSIC BEGINS –

“TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RAL” (SUNG BY BING CROSBY)

76
 SCENE TWO

DURING THE BLACKOUT, SAM EXITS AND TONY QUICKLY DRESSES. IT IS THE NEXT
MORNING. LIGHTS RISE AND THE MUSIC FADES OUT. TONY IS SITTING OUTSIDE
THE TENT, FULLY CLOTHED, AND EATING A SANDWICH WHICH IS HALF-WRAPPED
IN CLINGFILM.. MOVEMENT CAN BE SEEN GOING ON INSIDE THE TENT

TONY

Are you alright in there?

DANIEL IS STUMBLING AROUND INSIDE THE TENT, WHICH ROCKS ABOUT AS HE

FALLS INTO THE SIDES OF IT

DANIEL

(FROM INSIDE) I’m trying to get my pants on!

TONY

You look like you’re fighting with a python!

DANIEL

(FROM INSIDE) Well, in some ways I am..!

TONY CHUCKLES AT THIS. SAM ENTERS CARRYING A BOTTLE FILLED WITH WATER.
HE IS ALSO NOW FULLY CLOTHED

SAM

Fresh water from the stream.

TONY

Is that all? I ordered a Caramel Macchiato.

SAM

Get to the top of the hill today and I promise you - I will get you one.

TONY

It’s way back down in the town, I doubt I’ll survive that long.

SAM

Of course you will.

DANIEL IS SEEN STRUGGLING IN THE TENT

..Bloody hell, Daniel. That tent hasn’t seen so much action since 1998.

77
DANIEL

There’s nothing to lean on. I usually lean on things. I’m losing my balance.

SAM

Then dress outside.

DANIEL

(FROM INSIDE) I’ll catch a chill. You wouldn’t want that. I’m very annoying when I have a
cold.

SAM

You’re pretty annoying when you’re healthy too, so don’t worry about it.

SAM POURS THE WATER INTO THE PAN ON TOP OF THE CAMPING STOVE, AND
STARTS HEATING IT, READY TO MAKE HOT DRINKS

TONY

These sandwiches are really stale.

SAM

They were made before we drove here. They’ve been in cling film in Daniel’s bag for 36 hours.
I don’t know about “stale”, you’re lucky they haven’t grown hair and teeth. But it’s all there is
to eat for now.

TONY

I’m hungry.

SAM

Don’t worry, we’ll have a proper lunch at the café.

TONY

What café?

SAM

The one on the other side of the hill.

TONY

(ASTONISHED) There’s a café on the other side of the hill!?

SAM

Yeah, just below the peak.

78
TONY

So why did we come up this side? Why didn’t we come up the café side?

SAM

This part has a more beautiful landscape.

TONY

Who gives a fuck! The other side has bacon and eggs!

SAM

It’s better to wait for it. Achieve the climb to the top first and then the café is your reward.

TONY

This is outrageous. That information should have been made available earlier.

SAM

You had it in your hand - it’s clearly marked on the map.

TONY

I can’t read maps! I work in travel insurance. All I know about is how to over-charge people
for being old and unwell.

SAM

(SARCASTIC) That must be a very satisfying profession.

TONY

Yes, it is. And we get free use of the first class lounge when we arrive in Hell.

DANIEL APPEARS OUT OF THE TENT, NOW FULLY DRESSED APART FROM HIS BOOTS

DANIEL

Morning! What’s for breakfast?

TONY

Here – you can have this sandwich. Just say a few Hail Mary’s before you bite into it.

TONY OFFERS DANIEL THE SANDWICH, BUT HE DECLINES. HE PUTS HIS BOOTS ON

DANIEL

How long is the walk to the top?

SAM

Only a few hours.

79
TONY

Though, we’ve got to pack away the tent first.

DANIEL

We have all morning. One task at a time. Nice weather. Should be pleasant.

TONY

It would have been more pleasant going via Sam’s secret restaurant the other way up. Bet you
didn’t know about that!?

DANIEL

Yeah, it’s got four stars on Trip Advisor.

TONY

(ASTONISHED AGAIN) Why did nobody mention this!?

DANIEL

We’ll go later. It’s on the other side of the peak.

TONY

I know that now. I wanted to know that yesterday! I’m very upset at the thought that at this
very moment I could have been eating pancakes and sausage.

SAM

Sausages can give you high cholesterol.

TONY

(HOLDING UP HIS SANDWICH) And this can give you Botulism – take your pick. What a
screw up. ..How do they even get the food up to that cafe?

SAM

It comes up in a van.

TONY

In a - ? There’s a road!?

SAM

Tony – calm down, you’re heading for a heart attack.

TONY

You telling me now we could have come up here by Uber Select? Had a pizza and a piss, gone
to the peak, and been home by lunchtime?

80
SAM

Yes, in theory. But that wasn’t the point of this journey, was it? Gareth walked up here, so we
walked up here. It’s not about the speed and convenience, it’s about the experience. You can’t
sit there right now and tell me you regret it?

TONY

Of course I don’t. I’m just hungry. It makes me emotional.

SAM

You should have saved yourself a Mars Bar.

TONY

I know I should. I’ll have to have a Snickers instead.

HE TAKES A SNICKERS BAR FROM HIS POCKET AND EATS IT

..I’m planning to bring some of these to your wedding. I’ll be very popular when everybody
sees the fucking menu.

SAM

Oh God, do you have to keep yapping on about it?

TONY

Better I bring the dinner up now, than all your guests bring dinner up later.

SAM

It’ll be interesting – elegant. Can’t we have one night of elegance?

DANIEL

Exactly. It’s a special day – a wedding. People only get married - two or three times in their
lives.

SAM

Well, I’m just getting married the once.

DANIEL

In theory..

SAM

What does that mean?

DANIEL

In reality, Sam, you don’t know, do you? Half of people get divorced,

81
90% of un-married couples break up, many of the marriages that do survive end up as empty
shells with no love left. Getting married only once and for the rest of your life is not a fact any
more. It’s an unlikely ambition.

SAM

You cynical old bastard.

DANIEL

Cynical or realistic? Love was always a fragile thing. But nowadays it’s held together by cheap
glue and sticky tape. I’m a good example of this myself, aren’t I.

SAM

Doesn’t mean everybody’s romances will end up in the bin like yours did. I love Abigail and
she loves me – and we plan to grow old together, whether you find that likely or not.

DANIEL

That’s the first time I’ve heard you say that. That you “love” her.

SAM

Of course I love her. Just not a fan of saying that to her. The wedding’s taking up my entire
year and costing a fortune. I wouldn’t go through all that if I didn’t mean it.

DANIEL

I thought her parents were paying for it.

SAM

Not everything. Adolf doesn’t like to over-spend. I’m still paying for the food and the flowers,
plus anything you can think of that’s completely un-necessary is going straight on my credit
card.

DANIEL

You see? The way you’re talking about it makes me -

SAM

I’m happy to pay it! That’s not the issue. Yes, Daniel, I’ll admit to you that I have had some
previous doubts, but - ..This walk has really cleared my head and I now know absolutely for
sure that it’s the right thing to do.

TONY

And it’s great that you’re now sure about it.

SAM

…Oh of course I’m not sure about it!

82
TONY

But you just said –

SAM

I feel like I mean it when I say it out loud. But there’s this little shit of a devil inside me that
keeps banging on the door. (TO DANIEL) And that’s your fault.

DANIEL

Me?

SAM

You and all the doubters. There’s a whole wicked nest of you. Shaking your heads whenever
the wedding is mentioned, raising your eyes to the sky at the mere thought of it. You’re all
breading this negativity inside me. Even her parents – Mr and Mrs Hitler, or whatever they’re
called - and her sisters – always giving me that look of despair. Like I’ve got the word
“mistake” tattooed in jet black on my forehead, and everyone can read it apart from their
beautiful girl. Their favourite. About to throw her whole life in the toilet because of some un-
trustworthy, un-committal, though remarkably handsome guy. Why doesn’t anybody have any
faith that I mean this and I can make it work?

DANIEL

I’ll say it again - who are you trying to convince?

SAM

(SHOUTING) The world!! Everybody!! Because nobody believes in me! Clearly not even
you, Daniel, because you already made your mind up. I know exactly what you think of me. I
don’t know why you’re even coming to the damn ceremony.

DANIEL

Because I’m your best friend!

SAM

Then act like it!

DANIEL

I’m trying to protect you, you idiot.

SAM

You’re not! And I don’t need your fucking protection! I need your support!

DANIEL

You can’t have it! And you’ll thank me for that in the future because I’m the only friend
standing up to you.

83
Telling you that it’s true – there’s absolutely no hope of selflessness and fidelity and you really
are about to totally screw that poor girl’s life up!

SAM HAS NO OTHER WORDS, SO JUST SCREAMS

SAM

Aaaaarrrrghghgh!

HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO ATTACK DANIEL, BUT INSTEAD TAKES OUT HIS
ANGER ON THE TENT. HE PULLS IT TO PIECES, YANKING THE ROADS FROM THE
GROUND, COLLAPSING IT, THROWING THINGS AROUND, AND STAMPING ALL OVER
THE RUINED TENT LIKE A SPOILT CHILD. EXHAUSTED, HE THEN COLLAPSES ON
THE GROUND ON TOP OF IT

TONY

…Well, that’s the first job done.

DANIEL APPROACHES SAM

DANIEL

Sam –

SAM

(EMOTIONAL) Don’t speak to me. Don’t say anything.

DANIEL STAYS SILENT, BUT LOOKS OVER AT SAM

DANIEL

…What the hell, Sam - are you crying?

SAM

No, I’m not! ..Now get me a tissue.

DANIEL

(THINKING FOR A MOMENT) ..They’re in the tent.

SAM

Oh of course they are! ..What have I done? My whole life’s messed up.

TONY

No, not your whole life. Only the next decade or so.

DANIEL MOUTHS TO TONY “WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?” TONY JUST SHRUGS IN
REPLY

84
DANIEL

(TO SAM) Quietly rest there for a minute. Take a breath. I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry about
what I said.

HE WALKS OVER TO TONY

TONY

Tell him you didn’t mean it.

DANIEL

How can I?

TONY LOOKS AT HIM. BUT REALIZES DANIEL IS RIGHT. TONY BREAKS THE END OFF
OF HIS SNICKERS BAR AND OFFERS IT TO HIM. DANIEL ACCEPTS AND EATS IT.
TONY THEN POURS THE WATER INTO THE CUPS

TONY

Sam..? What do you want to drink?

SAM

Whisky! No – bourbon. No - triple Jack Daniels, on the rocks.

TONY EXAMINES THE TEA BAGS

TONY

I’ve got Green Tea with Strawberry and Elderflower.. (LOOKING AROUND) But the rocks I
can manage.

SAM

Why did nobody think to pack any alcohol?!

TONY

I’m sure they sell alcohol at the café on the other side. Just saying.. (HE LOOKS AT SAM)
..You can’t lie on the tent like that all day, you’ll get damp.

SAM

That’s the least of my troubles.

TONY

That’s true. But you currently have a choice of - being distraught, or being distraught with a
wet bum? Make the right decision.

SAM DOESN’T MOVE

…So that’s one Strawberry and Elderflower coming right up. This’ll put hairs on your chest.

85
SAM SUDDENLY SITS UP

SAM

..I can’t cancel it now, it’ll destroy her.

TONY GESTURES TO DANIEL NOT TO SAY ANYTHING. THEY DRINK THEIR TEA

…But if there is doubt, then perhaps it’s better to - ? I mean, when you all doubt me, why do I
get so angry about it? If you know that people are wrong, that you’re being misjudged, you’d
simply dismiss it, wouldn’t you? Not lose your marbles and massacre a tent? ..I used to adore
this tent. (TURNING TO THE TENT, EMOTIONAL) I’m so sorry. (HE PUTS HIS HAND ON
THE CANVAS) We’ll get through this, Trevor.

TONY

(TO DANIEL) The tent’s called Trevor?

DANIEL

Apparently.

TONY

Hopefully the café also sells Valium.

SAM

You need to tell me what to do. (NOTHING IS SAID) ..Tony!?

TONY

Oh, sorry – I thought you were still talking to Trevor.

SAM

Don’t be stupid – why would I talk to a tent?

TONY

I’ve no idea. Erm… I think – you have to do what your heart tells you.

SAM

I don’t ask for a cliché, I asked you to tell me what to do!

DANIEL

I think we are.

SAM

I’m not talking to you, Daniel.

86
TONY

No, you have to talk to him. I’m not taking on sole responsibility for this. Although, looking at
it from the other side – I should say that - ..I really don’t know what to say.

SAM

Oh for heaven’s sake – will someone please make a decision!? Am I getting married or not?!
Tell me, Tony – yes or no?

TONY

…No.

SAM

(INFURIATED) What do you mean – “No”?!

SAM THROWS HIMSELF BACK ON TO THE TENT AND SCREAMS AGAIN. TONY LOOKS
DESPAIRING. DANIEL RE-ASSURES HIM

DANIEL

Actors are like this when they ask if you enjoyed the show. The answer is “Yes”, regardless of
what the answer is.

TONY UNDERSTANDS. THEY DRINK THEIR TEA

TONY

…I remember you used to go the theatre a lot.

DANIEL

Robert would get us tickets sometimes. He knew quite a lot of people in the arts. Actors,
painters, poets.. It was the circle that he moved in.

TONY

I suppose you must really miss all of the –

DANIEL

I don’t want to talk about it.

TONY

I didn’t even finish the –

DANIEL GETS UP AND CROSSES TO SAM

(EXASPERATED) Oh my Lord! There’s no hope for any of us! (HE SIPS HIS TEA) And why
didn’t anybody bring any alcohol?! This tea tastes like salad.

DANIEL SITS NEXT TO SAM ON THE COLLAPSED TENT

87
DANIEL

…He’s right, it is damp. …Sam..? ..If you like her, on whatever level, talk to her about how
you feel about the marriage. If it’s love – real love – she’ll understand. If it isn’t, she won’t.

SAM SITS UP AGAIN

..And whatever happens – you’ve been honest. If there isn’t honesty and truth and trust…then
what have you got?

SAM

But it would break her heart. Listen – I’ve worked in construction my entire life. We build
things. We don’t break things.

DANIEL

You did a pretty good job of breaking the tent.

SAM

And I’ve apologised to Trevor for that.

DANIEL

The first thing is – breaking things sometimes can’t be helped. If there’s cracks in it already,
it’ll certainly snap at some point anyway. And the second thing is - ..my arse is really getting
wet.

SAM

Tough shit. Your problem is that you always think you’re right. …And this time you are. But
if you ever mention to me that I’ve told you that you’re right, I’ll have you killed. Agreed?

DANIEL

No, I’m not going to agree to being killed. (SAM STARES AT HIM) ..Yes, I agree to being
killed. …So – why don’t we stop all this for now, have a drink, and then finally finish off
climbing this bloody hill?

SAM

I don’t know if I’ve got the strength any more.

DANIEL

Of course you have – you’re the muscle in the group, remember? I know it’s steep and painful,
but we have to go through it.

TONY

…Your tea’s getting cold. And I found a random bag of sunflower seeds, so the good news
keeps on coming.

88
DANIEL GETS UP AND HOLDS HIS HAND OUT TO SAM. AFTER A MOMENT, SAM
TAKES HIS HAND AND DANIEL PULLS HIM TO HIS FEET

DANIEL

(QUIETLY AND PRIVATELY TO SAM) We have to somehow help each other, you and I.
Otherwise, how are we possibly going to help Tony..?

SAM

(LOOKING OVER AT TONY) He seems fine.

DANIEL

I know. That’s what worries me.

DANIEL ALSO LOOKS OVER AT TONY, WHO IS SIPPING HIS DRINK AND STARING
PENSIVELY INTO THE DISTANCE. BLACKOUT.

MUSIC BEGINS –

“I’M GONNA BE (500 MILES)” (SUNG BY THE PROCLAIMERS) (BEGINNING AT 2:26)

SCENE THREE

LIGHTS RISE SLOWLY ON THE PEAK OF THE HILL. THERE IS A MOUND WITH A
WOODEN CROSS MARKING THE TOP. JUST BELOW THE PEAK, A FEW ITEMS HAVE
BEEN LEFT BY PREVIOUS TRAVELLERS – A SMALL FLAG, BOTTLES, AN OLD BOOT.
TONY IS THE FIRST TO ENTER. THE MUSIC FADES OUT. HE REMOVES HIS
RUCKSACK AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH. HE CRAWLS TO THE TOP OF THE MOUND.
HE STANDS AT THE TOP AND OPENS HIS ARMS OUT WIDE. HE WAVERS A LITTLE.
SUDDENLY, SAM RUSHES ON STAGE AND SPRINTS TO WHERE TONY IS STANDING.
HE RUGBY TACKLES HIM, GRABBING HIS WAIST AND PULLING HIM TO THE
GROUND. THEY BOTH ROLL DOWN

TONY

What are you doing!?

SAM

Saving you!

TONY

From what?

89
SAM

I thought you were going to jump!

TONY

(SITTING UP) That’s a bit of an over-reaction.

SAM

I thought you were about to throw yourself off the edge. You had your arms spread open.

TONY

I was mimicking Kate Winslet in Titanic! Embracing the view and the feeling of flying, like
she did. Except that Kate didn’t get rugby tackled to the ground by Leonardo Di Caprio.

SAM

Maybe I panicked.

TONY

Maybe!? Don’t panic again.

SAM

Sorry, but after what you wrote in your notebook –

TONY

I know, I know - but you need to calm your emotions down. I saw what you did to the tent,
I don’t want to be your next victim.

SAM

Don’t have a go at someone for caring about you. (HE BRUSHES THE DIRT OFF OF HIS
TROUSERS) …And by the way - the tent’s gone.

TONY

Gone where?

SAM

Didn’t you wonder how you managed to get here first? You didn’t see we’d stopped to talk to
that group of students?

TONY

I had my head down – I was focussed on getting to the end.

SAM

Bunch of them, from the local university. They took the tent off my hands. I explained that it
was torn and broken, but they still thought they could do something useful with it.

90
TONY

Won’t we need it again on the way down?

SAM

No, we’ll get a taxi.

TONY RAISES HIS ARMS IN THE AIR

TONY

Oh joy!

SAM

Yes, I thought that might cheer you up.

TONY

Why were there students up here? They get lost on the way to the bar?

SAM

Sponsored walk of some kind – raising money to buy books.

TONY

How much did you give them?

SAM

I didn’t give them any bloody money – I gave them a tent. They can sit in there and read.

TONY

Are you alright – you sound slightly negative..?

SAM

Only slightly? Obviously I’m not trying hard enough. (HE REMOVES HIS RUCKSACK)
...Seriously, Tony, should I be worried about you?

TONY

That’s a stupid question.

SAM

I wish it was.

TONY

I’m alright. Apart from a few bruises.

91
SAM

Really?

TONY

Really. (LOOKING OFF) ..Oh look – here comes Daniel. Arriving last. At the bottom. Third
place. He’s not going to like that.

SAM

Well, let’s be supportive, make him feel okay about it.

DANIEL ENTERS, FRUSTRATED TO SEE HE IS THE LAST TO ARRIVE. SAM AND TONY
APPLAUD HIM

DANIEL

Oh, fuck off!

TONY

(TO SAM) That went well..!

DANIEL

How am I last? I hate being last.

SAM

It’s your own fault - you spent too long talking to the students.

DANIEL

They were really friendly. We were having a good chat until it suddenly dawned on me, with
complete horror, that I was old enough to be their father. At which point, I gave them twenty
quid, told them to be home early, and got the hell out of there.

HE REMOVES HIS RUCKSACK

…How’s the view?

TONY

I only caught it for a few seconds before I was attacked.

SAM

(EXPLAINING) I saw him in the distance – he looked like he was about to - ..I might have
jumped the gun a bit. I hadn’t anticipated the Titanic scenario.

DANIEL

I’m confused.

92
SAM

Join the club. Get up there and tell us what it looks like.

DANIEL CRAWLS TO THE TOP OF THE PEAK AND LOOKS AT THE VIEW

DANIEL

Wow! It’s beautiful. We made it! What a sense of achievement.

TONY

Make the most of that. Cos we’re never doing this again.

SAM

We agreed that we would do it every year.

TONY

That was before we actually suffered the experience.

DANIEL

Yes, it was much harder than I imagined.

SAM

I may not even be around next year. When I tell Abigail and her family that I’m cancelling the
wedding, I’ll be lucky to get out of the house alive.

TONY

They might only punch you in the face and tear off your testicles.

SAM

(DRYLY) Yes, I could get lucky..! Here’s hoping..!

DANIEL

(COMING BACK DOWN FROM THE PEAK) It’ll all sort itself out.

SAM

Will it?

DANIEL

In the end. Everything does. Just never quickly or easily. That’s life.

SAM

Well, life sucks!

93
DAMIEN

That’s the spirit!

THE THREE OF THEM SIT TOGETHER, ON THE SIDE OF THE MOUND, OR ON ROCKS,
OR THE GROUND

SAM

(TO TONY) You got any more secret chocolate bars?

TONY

They were all finished ages ago.

SAM

Tony..?

TONY

Oh bloody hell!

HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT A LARGE TOBLERONE

DANIEL

Oh, it was a Toblerone in your pocket. That’s a load off my mind.

THEY SHARE THE TOBLERONE AS THEY TALK

…You can really smell the freshness of the air up here.

Not easy to find pure air anywhere these days. They manage to bottle spring water, maybe they
should bottle mountain breezes too. Sell it in traffic jams.

SAM

Yes, make the most of it. Fill your lungs. It’ll be back to clouds of toxic waste tomorrow.

TONY

Not for me, I’m not getting out of bed.

SAM

I’ve been in your bedroom – it’s as toxic as anywhere. You should get a cleaner.

TONY

She stopped turning up.

SAM

She couldn’t push the door open! You had towels piled up, old pizza boxes. And the floor was
a minefield of underpants.

94
TONY

That was a one-off. I had a bad back, things got a bit behind. We’re all entitled to bad days.

SAM

Are we? Thanks, I’ll have this one.

DANIEL

We’ve got to stop all this, you know. Having bad days, bad weeks.

SAM

You’re one to talk.

DANIEL

I know – I’m equally guilty. I’m just thinking about Gareth. And how he’d give anything to
still be here. And we are here, and all we do is complain about it.

TONY

Talking of which – do you think maybe it’s time to - ?

SAM

Might as well get on with it. It is chilly.

DANIEL

Yeah, don’t want to die of cold up here. (REALISING) Oh – was that inappropriate?

SAM /TONY

(TOGETHER) Very.

DANIEL

(TO THE SKY) Sorry, pal. (TO THE OTHERS) ..Shall I start?

THEY NOD THAT HE SHOULD AND DANIEL GETS HIS INSCRIBED STONE OUT OF HIS
RUCKSACK. THE OTHERS STAND UP, RESPECTFULLY. DANIEL SILENTLY RETURNS
TO THE TOP OF THE MOUND AND PLACES HIS STONE THERE. HE BEGINS HIS
MEMORIAL SPEECH

…This isn’t much of a gesture, Gareth. I hope it at least tells you that we miss you. That we
love you. I remember the day you told us you were ill and we all said you shouldn’t worry, that
you’d get through it. Most people do. However, in your case, it seems the good die young. My
neighbour’s 103 years old. She’s a miserly, deeply unpleasant old woman. Don’t know why
she was the one that the Gods chose for a body that keeps going and going. Maybe pure evil
acts as a kind of pickle.

95
SAM

Daniel - you’re getting off the track.

DANIEL

Yeah…

HE PLACES HIS HAND ON THE STONE

…I leave this stone as a small memorial to you. To thank you for your friendship. For the
kindness, the companionship, the laughs. The advice. Christ, I miss your advice. Robert broke
up with me, shortly after you died. You’re the only person who could have put me right, guided
me out of the jungle. Instead I’m trapped here, endlessly pursued by tigers.

SAM

Daniel – even the angels don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

DANIEL

Well, I didn’t prepare anything. I put what I had to say on the stone. Alright – let me end with
this. You deserved to be here longer. Because you were the best of us. The one that made our
group complete, made our lives better. And by coming here, we hope simply to somehow tell
you that. You are forever in our hearts.

DANIEL LOOKS TO THE SKY FOR A MOMENT, PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS HEART, THEN
RETURNS TO THE OTHERS.

TONY NOW TAKES HIS STONE AND GOES UP TO THE MOUND, WHERE HE PLACES HIS
STONE NEXT TO DANIELS. HE LOOKS MOMENTARILY TO THE SKY, THEN PREPARES
TO MAKE A SPEECH

TONY

…Ditto.

HE RETURNS TO THE OTHERS, WHO ARE MOMENTARILY CONFUSED

SAM

..Ditto..?

TONY

It means – the same as what he said.

SAM

I know what it means!

TONY

Well, it’s like with Daniel, I wrote everything I had to say on my stone.

96
DANIEL

You wrote three words!

TONY

We’re not all eloquent like you. Gareth knows what I think of him. And what I would say to
him if I had the words. .. If I was brave enough.. (TO SAM) Your turn, Sam.

SAM TAKES HIS STONE AND GOES UP THE MOUND. HE PLACES HIS STONE NEXT TO
THE OTHERS

SAM

I was planning to begin by saying how sorry I was that you’ll be missing my wedding. But now
it seems the bride and groom will be missing it as well. So that’s no longer an issue. I´ve
actually never believed in funeral speeches, the usual kind you get. It’s all too glum for my
taste. All the talk of sadness. It’s wrong – it should be a celebration. Celebrating your life,
Gareth, I mean, not celebrating that you’re dead. (HE LOOKS AT THE OTHERS) And you
thought Daniel’s speech was bad..!

TONY

Don’t worry – it’s already better than your wedding speech.

SAM

Ah yes.

HE GETS HIS WEDDING SPEECH FROM HIS POCKET AND PLACES IT ON THE
GROUND, PUTTING THE STONE ON TOP OF IT

Have a read of this later, Gareth. I expect you could do with a good laugh. I want you to know
that we all wish you were here. And every single year, on this date, we’ll climb back up this hill
together – to remember you.

HE LOOKS TO DANIEL AND TONY

…Won’t we, guys?

DANIEL AND TONY BOTH MURMUR A REPLY, BUT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO JUDGE WHAT
THEY WERE ACTUALLY SAYING

…Was that a “yes”?

THEY MURMUR INAUDIBLY A SECOND TIME. DANIEL ABANDONS THIS AND PLACES
HIS HAND ON THE STONE

…Farewell, my friend. I’ll see you in heaven. …Or if I’m down in the other place, you can
send me a text.

HE IS ABOUT TO COME BACK DOWN, WHEN HE PAUSES

…I haven’t seen the bloody view yet.

97
TONY

I only got to see it briefly.

DANIEL

Let’s have a proper look together.

DANIEL AND TONY CLAMBER UP TO JOIN SAM AT THE PEAK

TONY

Can we see the restaurant from up there?

SAM

I’m sure we can see the whole world.

NOW TOGETHER, THEY LOOK OUT AT THE VIEW, THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH
OTHER

DANIEL

…It’s beautiful.

TONY

Yes, very nice. Though, I’ve seen better.

SAM

Where?

TONY

Up the Eiffel Tower, for example. There’s an elevator to the top and everything. Much more
civilized. You never been to Paris?

DANIEL

I have. Robert took me there for a romantic weekend.

TONY

Oh, shit. Quick – somebody change the subject.

DANIEL

No - that’s not necessary. I really do think today’s the day I start getting over him.

SAM

Well, that’s very good news for you. ..And fucking spectacular news for everybody else.

98
TONY

Shall we take a picture?

SAM AND DANIEL GET THEIR MOBILES OUT AND EACH TAKES A QUICK PHOTO OF
THE VIEW

…I meant with us in it!

SAM

That’s an even better idea. We’ll use mine. (TO DANIEL) My megapixel is much bigger than
yours.

DANIEL

That’s not news to anybody.

THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER AS SAM PREPARES TO TAKE A SELFIE OF THE THREE OF

THEM

TONY

Should we smile? Or is that inappropriate?

DANIEL

Depends if you want to mourn him, or remember him..?

THEY ALL THINK FOR A FEW SECONDS. AND THEN THE THREE OF THEM SMILE.
SAM TAKES THE PHOTO. HE CHECKS THE IMAGE AFTERWARDS

SAM

Let me check it’s okay.

DANIEL

You worried your gorgeousness won’t have fully registered?

SAM

Yes, that’s exactly why. ..It’s not bad, actually.

HE SHOWS THEM THE PHOTO

TONY

I look fat.

SAM

Yeah, Tony, but that’s because – ..you’re fat.

HE PUTS THE PHONE AWAY AND THEY HELP EACH OTHER TO GET DOWN THE
MOUND

99
TONY

I think being “thin” is going out of fashion. Women are soon gonna get bored with skin and
bones. In Afghanistan, obese men are considered to be the most attractive.

SAM

(DRYLY) That’s your next holiday sorted out then. I hear the beaches are lovely in Jalalabad..!

DANIEL GLANCES AT AN OLD BOOT THAT HAS BEEN LEFT NEARBY. HE SEES THERE
IS SOMETHING IN IT AND REACHES INSIDE

DANIEL

Hang on – there’s a bottle in here.

HE BRINGS OUT OF THE BOOT A MINI BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE, WITH A HAND-

WRITTEN LABEL ATTACHED TO IT. HE READS THE LABEL

… “To the next soul who arrives at this peak. Enjoy this – and leave something for the next
person. Take the gift and pass it on.”

SAM

That’s very cool.

TONY

Is it safe to drink?

DANIEL

It’s sealed and cold. And we are the next arrivals.

HE UN-SCREWS THE CAP OR POPS THE LITTLE CORK ON THE BOTTLE

..We should get a good gulp each out of this.

HE DRINKS A GULP OF THE CHAMPAGNE

TONY

What’s it taste like?

DANIEL

Kindness.

HE PASSES THE BOTTLE TO SAM

SAM

(MAKING A TOAST) Cheers, guys. Thanks for the adventure. (HE DRINKS) It wasn’t pretty,
but we’re still alive. (HE LOOKS AT TONY) ..Right?

TONY SAYS NOTHING, BUT TAKES THE BOTTLE AND FINISHES IT

100
DANIEL

We’re supposed to pass the gift on. Leave something in the boot for the next traveller. Have
we got anything?

SAM

Er…no, I haven´t. You?

DANIEL

Nothing they can eat or drink.

TONY

Hang on – I think I might have something.

HE REACHES INTO HIS RUCKSACK AND PULLS OUT A CAKE IN A LONG BOX. THE
OTHERS ARE IN DISBELIEF

DANIEL

What’s that?!

TONY READS THE DESCRIPTION ON THE BOX

TONY

(READING) “Belgian Chocolate Swiss Roll - with Hazelnuts”.

SAM

Are you joking!?

TONY

No. The hazelnuts give it a bit of a crunch.

SAM

For fuck´s sake, Tony. Were you planning to hike up a mountain or open a patisserie!?

TONY

It was Gareth’s favourite dessert. I thought we could eat it up here in his honour. But I forgot I
had it.

DANIEL

Well, give it here – we can leave it for him with the stones.

TONY PASSES IT TO HIM

..What’s the expiry date?

101
SAM

I don’t suppose he’ll mind!

DANIEL

I’ll put it in the middle.

HE ASSEMBLES THE CAKE WITH THE STONES, BUT NONE OF THE COMBINATIONS
LOOK RIGHT

No, the side. Or is it better at the top?

TONY

He’d have enjoyed that cake. Last time I saw him, we were at this café and he…

UN-SEEN BY THE OTHERS, TONY STARTS TO GET CHOKED UP

DANIEL

One cake, three stones. (PULLING A FACE) Not sure how to line it up – all so uneven.
Getting a bit stressed.

SAM

Oh for God´s sake – it doesn’t matter.

DANIEL

If I leave it muddled up, I won’t sleep tonight.

FRUSTRATED, SAM GRABS THE CAKE AND SHOVES IT INTO THE BOOT

SAM

Leave it there. It’s the thought that counts.

DANIEL

It still needs the label on it.

SAM

So, stick it on before I kill myself.

SAM TURNS BACK AND NOTICES THAT TONY IS NOW AUDIBLY CRYING. DANIEL
NOTICES TOO

Oh, no… Don’t cry, mate. Big boys don’t cry.

DANIEL

(TO SAM) No they just smash their tents up!

102
SAM GESTURES FOR DANIEL TO DO SOMETHING. DANIEL GOES OVER TO TONY, BUT
TONY WAVES HIM AWAY

TONY

I’m alright – leave me alone.

DANIEL

You’re not, and we won’t.

TONY

It’s all getting too much. It still doesn’t make any sense.

SAM

Let’s not end the walk like this. Look, we made it up here, did what we intended to do. You
should feel proud.

TONY

I feel numb. Empty.

DANIEL

Of course you do. But you can talk to us.

TONY

I’m just feeling upset for a minute - I’ve really got nothing to say.

HE WIPES HIS EYES WITH THE BACK OF HIS HAND

SAM

Well then – why don’t we all –

TONY

Except to say this - ..That it’s still a valid point, isn’t it? What I wrote in the notebook. That if
Gareth isn’t around, maybe I shouldn’t be either. At least he went at his peak. I can’t shake off
this deep feeling that maybe that’s when we all should go. I’ve thought a lot recently about
growing old - and I’m really not in favour of it. I want just one day when I wake up without an
ache in my body, one day when I can watch the news and not despair of the world, one day
when I can do things at the same speed that I used to do things. A few years ago, I started
looking at my face in the mirror every morning worried about my skin ageing, my hair
reclining. I still look. Only now I need glasses! And a bottle of brandy! I don’t want it - to get
older, because we don’t get any wiser – that was a lie. Everything is only going to get harder.
Apart from the one bit of you that you want to get harder, and achieving that requires tablets.
I’m frightened of it. Of a life always looking back instead of forward. Of getting out of bed
alone. And having to do that eight times a night. The truth is, Gareth went out in a blaze of
youth and glory. He’ll never grow old, never regret. I’m so jealous of that. I demand the right
not to grow old. I demand it!

103
SAM

You’re making a lot of assumptions. Life doesn’t always take a straight line, like you imagine
it. There’s always time to change direction - become a different person.

TONY

We don’t change as we get older, Sam, we become more of who we are. Whether I like that
person or not.

SAM

We like you. How come we like you so much? How can you not like yourself when everybody
else fucking adores you?

TONY

That doesn’t mean that any of those people will be around when I’m old. Who’s going to look
after me? I’m single, I don’t have children, I’m not rich. What chance have I got? I have this
vision of myself sitting in a room – old, alone, unable to do anything.

SAM

You need to –

TONY

(RAISING HIS VOICE) It frightens me!

SAM

Don’t be afraid - that won’t happen.

TONY

No, not if I die young. Leap into the wind from the top of this hill.

SAM

Stop saying that. Where does all this come from? Nothing you’re saying makes any sense.
Perhaps you’re not getting enough protein.

DANIEL

Oh, Sam!

SAM

Well, I don’t have the answers - you explain it.

DANIEL

(TO SAM) It’s in the back of all our minds – that fear of being alone as we slowly fall apart.

104
SAM

You really spend time thinking about this shit?

DANIEL

Clearly you don’t – and that’s because you know you’ll be alright. If you don’t marry this one,
you’ll marry the next one. They come along like busses. The rest of us aren’t so lucky. And as
each relationship comes along – if it comes along – we run at it. Praying that maybe this is the
person I’ll grow old with. Then each time that doesn’t happen, we lose more hope. That image
of inevitable loneliness becomes stronger. It’s not true for everyone. Some people like being
single. But the rest of us – we fucking hate it. Because we deserve better..

DANIEL NOW ALSO STARTS TO CRY

SAM

Oh, Christ – not you too!

DANIEL

Well you try and walk a day in my shoes.

SAM

I’ve smelt your feet – I’ll give that as miss, thank you.

TONY

(TO DANIEL) He doesn’t understand.

DANIEL

(TO SAM) No, you don’t. You don’t understand how the shadow is always there, waiting.

TONY

It’s terrible.

BOTH TONY AND DANIEL ARE NOW CRYING TOGETHER

SAM

Oh, stop it – stop. You need to toughen up guys.

TONY

I don’t want to be vulnerable. I want to be strong. But it’s hard to do that when you don’t have
somebody to love you.

SAM

I love you.

105
TONY

That’s not quite what I had in mind. And anyway - you don’t. I’m simply the next best friend
for you since he left us. I’m “Gareth Light”.

SAM

You’re hardly light.

TONY

Oh, very encouraging. What a brilliant thing to say!

SAM

Then tell me what to say. Because I’ll say anything, do anything that stops you from the
stupidity of even thinking about throwing yourself off this hill.

DANIEL

It’s not stupid. Haven’t you ever been at the top of a tower and wondered what it would feel
like to jump? Part of you wants to do it. That voice inside tries to lure you over the edge.
That’s why they have glass walkways, rope bridges. It’s the adrenalin buzz of wondering if we
could really wipe away all our troubles by diving out and into the horizon.

SAM

No - those top of the tower things are for fun! They’re not inviting you to commit suicide -
they’re offering you to challenge yourself. To feel viscerally alive, not imminently dead.

TONY

Why can’t we look forward to growing old?

SAM’S ATTENTION GOES BACK TO TONY

It should be easier. We shouldn’t become an inconvenience, a burden. The young have stolen
the world. As time slips by. I’ll be more and more irrelevant.

DANIEL SILENTLY STARTS TO CLIMB TO THE PEAK OF THE HILL

SAM

I don’t know what to say to that, Tony. I don’t have the speech inside me that you want to hear.

TONY

Can’t you Google it? TalkMeOffaLedge.Com..?

SAM

You see – that’s the Tony I know! The one that takes the piss, has a laugh, eats chocolate bars
like he just got out of prison. I’ve had enough of this negative, crying version of you. And your
nose is dribbling too – honestly, none of it is attractive at all.

106
TONY

Can you find me a tissue?

SAM

Yeah – I’ll find something.

SAM GOES TO HIS RUCKSACK TO SEE IF HE CAN FIND A TISSUE. BY THIS POINT,
DANIEL HAS REACHED THE TOP OF THE HILL. HIS ARMS ARE SPREAD OUT WIDE AS
THOUGH ABOUT TO JUMP. TONY TURNS TO SEE HIM

TONY

Daniel!!

SAM TURNS NOW AND ALSO SEES WHAT IS HAPPENING. PANICKED, HE

IMMEDIATELY RUSHES UP TO THE PEAK AND RUGBY TACKLES DANIEL TO THE
GROUND

DANIEL

Ow! Ouch! What are you doing!?

SAM

What am I doing!?

DANIEL

I only wanted to see what it felt like that. I wasn’t going to jump!

SAM

How do I know that? You’ve both been crying your eyes out. It’s like going on a day trip with
The Samaritans!

DANIEL

I wasn’t crying! My eyes were only moist.

SAM

Moist? Well, now you’re moist and covered in mud. Congratulations.

TONY

(TO SAM) You’ve got to stop over-reacting.

SAM

(YELLING) I am not over-reacting!

DANIEL / TONY

(TOGETHER) You kind of are.

107
SAM

We came up here because someone died. Not to try and increase the total! You two should pull
yourselves together. Guess what? Everyone grows old, forgets their own name, becomes
abandoned, and ultimately eats soup and dribbles. Get over it! That’s what makes life
interesting. If it was all nice and easy, there’d be no reason to embrace what we have – right
now. That’s the point. To make the most of this moment. Even if you’re hungry, muddy,
moist, suicidal and up a hill. Be grateful you’re still able to physically get anywhere.

DANIEL

It’s not as simple as that, we’re telling you –

SAM

I don’t want to hear any more about it. Not from either of you. It’s staggeringly self indulgent.
You two don’t have the monopoly on fear of ageing, my friends. We all suffer, that’s the way
the game is designed. You think I don’t know that kind of despair? Well, I do. For example - I
found … some grey hairs last week.

TONY

You’ve always had the odd strand of grey.

SAM

No - not there. Somewhere else.

HE GESTURES TO THE AREA BETWEEN HIS LEGS

..So don’t talk to me about despair!

DANIEL

..Any chance I can have them for the museum?

SAM

That is not even funny.

DANIEL

Well, to be fair –

TONY

(FINISHING HIS SENTENCE) - it is quite funny.

SAM

It’s the first sign my youth is over. That’s what it is. Me! Peter Pan. And it hurts. You are not
alone!

HE GOES FACE TO FACE WITH TONY

108
…Look at me, you stupid bastard. I’m not growing old without you. We’re a team. And we’ll
go grey and miserable as a team too, if necessary. If you don’t want to stay alive for yourself,
then stay alive for me. For us. We need you. So, please grow old, Tony. Please!

TONY

..Do you promise to push me around in my wheelchair?

SAM

I’ll push you up this bloody hill in your wheelchair if I have to. (TO DANIEL) And that goes
for you too. (TO BOTH OF THEM) Don’t give up on yourselves. I’ll always be here to listen
and help and give you a kind word. Now can we please get some fucking breakfast, you
dickheads..?

SAM GRABS TONY’S FACE AND GIVES HIM A BIG KISS ON THE CHEEK. HE THEN
TURNS TO DANIEL. DANIEL RESISTS, ALMOST RUNNING AWAY, BUT ALSO GETS A
HUGE KISS FROM SAM. TONY LOOKS INTO THE DISTANCE, BACK DOWN THE HILL

TONY

Well, you’ve given those students a good laugh..

SAM TURNS AND GIVES THE STUDENTS AN EMBARRASSED WAVE

DANIEL

They won’t touch that cake now..

SAM PICKS UP HIS RUCKSACK AND PUTS IT ON HIS BACK

SAM

We are now walking away from this bloody peak. Someone - please - lead the way out of here!

DANIEL

Do you need the map?

SAM

(YELLING) No we don’t need the – (HE CALMS HIMSELF) ..No, thank you, Daniel. We
simply follow the road. I know where the road leads.

TONY

We all do. That’s the problem.

SAM

Can’t we just go – leave this damned hill?

TONY

Forever?

109
SAM

No. Until this day next year. I’m not running away from it – so nor are you two. Gareth
wouldn’t have let it beat him. Never. So, yes, I will be back. And you?

TONY

(NODDING) Yes, I suppose.. (TO DANIEL) Daniel..?

DANIEL

And miss the chance to ache, bleed and cry? Of course I’ll be here with you. We’re at our best
when we’re together. Even when we’re at our worst..

DANIEL AND TONY NOW ALSO GRAB THEIR RUCKSACKS.

SAM

And no weeping over breakfast. I want to eat my eggs in peace. And if you can’t manage that
for me, at least do it for Gareth. We can’t leave him here worrying about you.

DANIEL

(LOOKING AT THE STONES) …Don’t be concerned, Gareth. We’ll be fine. Honestly we

will. ..Goodbye, my friend.

TONY

(AS THOUGH TO GARETH) Yeah, bye mate. Take care.

SAM

(AS THOUGH TO GARETH) Hope you enjoyed the entertainment..?! See you soon.

THEY EACH GO TO THE PEAK AND GENTLY PLACE THEIR HANDS ON THE THREE
STONES. MUSIC FADES IN –

“I DON’T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE” (SUNG BY TEDDY THOMPSON) (0:00- 0:43)

THEY PUT THE RUCKSACKS ON THEIR BACKS AND GATHER TOGETHER FOR A
GROUP HUG. THIS DONE, THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE EXIT.

AS THEY REACH THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, THE THREE OF THEM FREEZE IN
POSITION AS THOUGH SUDDENLY CAUGHT IN A PHOTOGRAPH.

LIGHTS SLOWLY CROSS-FADE TO A SPOTLIGHT SHINING DOWN ON THE PEAK OF

THE HILL. THE SPOTLIGHT PAUSES FOR A MOMENT. THEN THE LIGHT BEGINS TO
FADE TO BLACK AND THE MUSIC DISAPPEARS INTO THE DISTANCE.

THE END
©Peter Quilter, 2018

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