1

Doctor, Doctor!
A farce by
Kevin L. Ash
Based on an original translation of

The Doctor in Spite of Himself

By Molière

Characters:

Samuel - Martine's husband, a miner on planet Trappist-beta, forced to be a doctor

Martine - Samuel’s wife
Malachi - Samuel’s friend, a miner enamored of Samuel
Robertaa - Martine's friend and neighbor
Georgina - Captain the starship. Lucy’s mother
Jacqueline - Georgina’s First Mate, Lucas’ wife
Lucy - Georgina’s daughter and the patient - in love with Andre
Tammy - Lucy’s best friend, a ship’s steward
Josephine - Tammy’s best friend, a ship’s steward
Andre - Ship’s galley cook, in love with Lucy
Lucas - steward on the ship and Jacqueline’s husband
Val - steward on the ship
Marlo - Ship's Security Officer, Perrin’s mother.
Perrin – Marlo’s son
Tibalt – Marlo’s husband

Translated by:
Megan Fitzgerald, Pattie Folmar, Nicole Free, Sela Grays, Jaya Gupta, Sydney Kleinmann, Matt Lee,
Erik Mailliard, Alexa Marcus, Catherine Masri, Courtney Notley, Moreau Pierson, Mallory Richards,
Marissa Rogers, Emma Roman, Raunak Trivedi, Katie Wall, Caroline Woodman, Josephine Zucker

Edited by: Isobel Betzer

 2

Act I Scene 1

Lucy, Tammy, and Josephine are sitting in the lounge.

Lucy
It’s not fair; I should be able to marry who I want! We’re in love!

Josephine
How could you let this happen?

Tammy
What do you mean happen? She’s the Captain, she can do anything!

Josephine
I wouldn’t put up with it.

Lucy
Really? What would you do?

Josephine
I’d run away!

Lucy
And where would you run to, silly? We’re on a SPACE SHIP!

Tammy
Well it’s got to land sometime doesn’t it?

Lucy
Right. I’ll just run away when I’m 30 and married to some bonehead officer.

Josephine
Don’t worry about it. She’ll come around. She was in love once wasn’t she?

Lucy
I doubt it. She’s married to this dumb old ship.

Tammy
Where’s your dad?

Josephine
Hey dummy, (thumps her in the head) shut up already. Let’s go get some snacks.

Tammy
What did I say?
 3

Lucy
I’m going to drown my sorrows.

Josephine
In what? We can’t get into the lounge. Unless you’re going to bribe a guard.

Lucy
I wouldn’t do that, I’m the Captain’s daughter aren’t I?

Tammy
Then what?

Lucy
Can’t tell a soul!

Tammy
Cross my heart!

Josephine
What heart?

Lucy
Stop! (She goes to the bench and opens a secret compartment. She takes out a flask.)

Tammy
What is THAT?

Josephine
Where did it come from?

Lucy
Andre. He got it in his last shipment.

Josephine
Is it alcohol?

Tammy
Is it toxic?

Lucy
I dunno.

Josephine
Let’s drink it.

Tammy
Should we? I don’t think we should.
 4

Josephine (grabs it out of Lucy’s hands. Lucy Grabs it back.)

Chicken. Give it here!

Lucy
No. Andre said it’s dangerous. It came from Trappist-beta. The moon-rock mining colony. (Lucy
takes off the cap)

Tammy
Don’t drink it!

Josephine
What’s it called? (Josephine grabs for the flask, as they fight for it Lucy downs the contents.)

Lucy
Moonsugar!

Tammy
Stop!

Josephine
Hey! (She grabs the flask away and tries to get the last drop.) Hoggy! You didn’t save any for us. (The last
drop falls on Tammy’s tongue.) Ooh. That tingles!

Lucy
Ulgh. (She grabs her throat and falls to the floor.)

Act I Scene 2

Samuel is sitting in a rock quarry with Malachi, holding a pick axe and drinking from a bottle. Martine comes on
from offstage.

Malachi
I wish I had half your brains and twice your problems

Samuel
If there’s one thing I learned in the Doctoral College, it’s there’s nothing to worry about except
worrying.

Malachi (hands him a bottle in a cloth sack.)

You are SO deep! Here, I brought you another bottle. Not easy to come by you know!

Martine
There you are! What do you think you’re doing?

Samuel (hiding the bottle)

I’m not doing anything, what are you talking about?
 5

Malachi
Samuel’s just giving me some financial advice. He served as the head accountant for the mining
company until he gave up life in the office, for the open air of the mines!

Martine (incredulous)
Is that so?

Malachi
Oh yeah, he’s one of the most brilliant minds I know!

Martine
I can hardly see.

Malachi
Why?

Martine
The brilliance of his mind!

Malachi (getting the joke)

Ah!

Martine
Exactly. Samuel the Great has to go now, dinner was half an hour ago.

Malachi
Are you his wife? You must be so thankful to have such a wise and learned husband as him.

Martine
What is that you’re drinking? I think it’s gone to your head.

Malachi
Wha…

Samuel (ushering Malachi off stage)

Off you go, the ball and chain requires my assistance with dinner. I was head chef on the starship
that brought us here you know!

Malachi
You don’t say! I’ll see you tomorrow, then. (exits)

Martine (Waiting and watching)

IF he lives that long! So I need your help with dinner?

Samuel
Well…
 6

Martine
Chef! When did you ever cook an egg? What was that all about?

Samuel
Just a friend, in need of a little sage advice.

Martine
You wouldn’t know sage from thyme. And when were you ever an accountant?

Samuel
When your father left us this mine, I had to cook the books!

Martine
All right Mr. Wizard, time to eat. How about tomorrow I’ll let you take care of the office and cook
dinner, and I’ll sit around drinking … what is that … moonsugar?! Really, again? It’s not healthy to
be drinking that all the time.

Samuel
Oh, leave me alone. It’s not moonSHINE, it’s moonSUGAR.

Martine
It’s addictive, and you know it hasn’t been tested. I think it’s making you loopy.

Samuel
You’re the only thing making me loopy, leave me alone woman.

Martine
WOMAN? Did you just call me woman? (She picks up a zap stick and zaps him with it.)

Samuel
OUCH! Hey, slip of the tongue, sorry. Be careful with that, that’s for the wild animals.

Martine
And what do you think you are, huh?

Samuel
Oh? I’ll show you an animal!

(They wrestle for the zap stick and he gets it from her, he chases her around the dig site zapping her playfully.)

Samuel
Now who’s the boss, huh? Now who’s in charge. (Martine grabs the bottle and takes a swig.) Hey, that’s
mine!

Martine
What’s yours is mine, remember? For better or worse! Better for me, worse for you, now! Ha!
 7

Samuel
I rue the day I took you for my wife! Aristotle was right when he said that a wife is worse than a
demon! I could write a book of philosophy based on you.

Martine
Oh, so now you’re a philosopher too!

Samuel
Of course I’m a philosopher. What, you think mining is all I’m good for? Before I met you, I served
under a famous doctor for six years, and if I chose to pursue it I could have been an even greater
doctor than he was.

Martine
Blah, blah, blah… get out of here!

Samuel
Get out yourself and finish my dinner, woman!

Martine
Again? I rue the day married you!

Samuel
Ha! Too bad I didn’t realize that marriage license I was signing was a death warrant. If your father
didn’t die and leave this mine, I’d be rich and famous!

Martine
Oh right. Always bragging about what might have been, and complaining about what is. You should
thank your lucky stars you married me. You wouldn’t have a pot to piss in!

Samuel
My lucky stars, eh? I could have been circling those stars as the Captain of a ship if it weren’t for
you, besides, I had you seeing stars on our wedding night!

Martine (Grabbing the stick away again)

Why you…!

Samuel
Oh, stop it! You can’t win this argument. I can go on and on for so long it’ll make you dizzy.

Martine
Well at least that’s something you could do for a long time!

Samuel
Why you... Well, we know what we know, and you were thrilled to find me.
 8

Martine
Thrilled to find you? A man who takes everything that I have, gives me nothing in return, and brags
about some fantasy life to everyone he meets?

Samuel
That’s a lie! Where’s my moonsugar?

Martine
You’d sell everything in the house if you had the chance.

Samuel
That’s life, my love.

Martine
You’d sell our bed.

Samuel
Well, it would help you get up in the morning - not having a bed.

Martine
And all the furniture.

Samuel
Then we could dance around the house freely!

Martine
And all you would do is sit around drinking that moonsugar from dusk until dawn!

Samuel
Then I wouldn’t get bored.

Martine
… and while you’re so busy not being bored, what am I supposed to be doing with our family?

Samuel
Family? All right. Anything you wish.

Martine
Our 4 poor little children in my arms.

Samuel
Our wha… so put them on the ground.

Martine
Who I care for every waking moment of every single day, their father loafing about.

Samuel
Oh boo hoo hoo. You live well enough, I expect some comfort in my house.
 9

Martine
Do you think we can go on like this forever?

Samuel
Darling, please.

Martine (Aims the zap stick at him)

While I eternally endure your debauchery?

Samuel
Don’t point that thing at me, woman!

Martine (backs him around the site)

Again with “woman”? Don’t point your thing at me, Mr. Man. You think I don’t know how to make
you a good husband?

Samuel
You know my soul is weak darling, but my arms are strong enough.
(he swipes at her.)

Martine (dodges him)

Ha! I laugh at your threats.

Samuel
My sweet wife, my sweet, lovable wife, as usual you’re getting irritated about nothing.

Martine (she swings the stick at him, zapping him.)

I’ll show you. I’m not afraid of you.

Samuel
Are you trying to make me mad?

Martine (zaps him again.)

Really? Do you think you scare me?

Samuel
Wait ‘til I get my hands on you, sweet heart.

Martine (Zaps him)

You wish you could get your hands on me! You drunkard!

Samuel
Stop saying that! You’re asking for it…

Martine (Zap)
Boozer!
 10

Samuel
All right, that’s enough!

Martine (zaps him on each word until he wrestles the stick from her)
Traitor, cheater, pig, drunk, slacker, worthless good for nothing …

Samuel (He pulls her in close, she knees him to the groin, he grabs the stick and begins to hit her with it and zap
her repeatedly.)
What did you call me?

Martine
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

Samuel
I said stop it! Here, this will calm you down.

Roberta arrives on the scene and pushes Samuel to the ground, he drops the stick.

Roberta
Hey, hey, hey! What is this? Stop that! What kind of maniac would beat his wife like that?

Martine (pushes her back and gives slaps her)

And what if I want him to hit me?

Roberta (in shock)

What? Well… If you want it, then who am I to argue?

Martine
This is none of your business!

Roberta
What did I do?

Martine
What does this have to do with you?

Roberta
You’re right of course.

Martine (helps Samuel up, who sits against a rock next to his bottle and takes a swig)
Look at this busybody, who wants to stop us from having fun.

Roberta
I take it back, I’m sorry.

Martine
What business is it of yours?
 11

Roberta
None, apparently.

Martine
Do you think you can just butt into our affairs?

Roberta
No, of course not.

Martine
Mind your own business!

Roberta
Not another word!

Martine
I like to be beaten.

Roberta
Ok, if you say so.

Martine
This isn’t any of your business.

Roberta
You’re right, of course.

Martine
And you’re a fool to butt in where you don’t belong.

Roberta (gets the stick from where Samuel dropped it)

I’m sorry Samuel. Please, forgive me. Go ahead, hit her. Beat your wife if you want. Here, I’ll help
you if you like.

Samuel (grabbing the stick from her hand)

What? No, I do not like!

Roberta
Ah! Well, that’s another thing.

Samuel
I’ll beat her if I want to beat her; and if I don’t, I won’t.

Roberta
Absolutely.
 12

Samuel
She’s my wife, not yours.

Roberta
Of course.

Samuel
You can’t order me around.

Roberta
Wasn’t trying to.

Samuel
I don’t need your help.

Roberta
I’ll just go then.

Samuel
You’re not going anywhere. (He backs her up against a rock with the stick) You shouldn’t butt in where
you don’t belong.
(He zaps Roberta in the stomach, and she pretends to fall, but escapes. He returns to Martine and holds her hand.)
Thanks for defending me. Let’s make up! (He leans in to kiss her.)

Martine (holds him off)

You’re kidding, right?! After you beat me like that?

Samuel
You beat me too! Besides, you liked it, you just said so. Let’s kiss and make up.

Martine
Fat chance.

Samuel
Come on.

Martine
No.

Samuel
My little cutie pie!

Martine
I said I don’t want to.

Samuel
Please?
 13

Martine
Forget it.

Samuel
Pretty please, with moonsugar on top?

Martine
No! I want to be mad.

Samuel
Oh come on! It was nothing…

Martine
Leave me alone.

Samuel
Just a little peck?

Martine
You took it too far.

Samuel (gets on one knee, takes her hand, and kisses it.)
Very well, I beg your forgiveness. May I have your hand?

Martine
Very well, I forgive you. (She kisses his forehead, then stands and gives him a little slap) And there’s my
hand. Don’t worry, you’ll pay.

Samuel
You can’t hold that against me, sometimes we get carried away. What’s a few zaps, and taps,
between people who love each other? It only makes our bond stronger.
(Martine gives him a long look)
Ok then, I’m going dig up more ore today than you’ve seen all week! Just you wait and see.

Samuel grabs up his pickaxe and his bottles of moonsugar and exits.

Martine (alone.)
I’ll see all right. And what about dinner? Forgive you? Worthless braggart. I’ll show you forgiveness.
You’ll sleep on the couch for a week. No, that’s not enough for the likes of you. I’ll find a way to
give out better than I got, don’t you worry.
(She sits on a rock and finishes off the nearly empty bottle of moonsugar.)
That’s actually not half bad.
 14

Act I, Scene 3

Val and Lucas disembark from the space ship.

Val
Seriously! What kind of planet is this?

Lucas
A mining community?

Val
How are we supposed to find a physician way out here!

Lucas
What do you want me to do about it? We have to obey orders. Besides, the sooner she marries
Horace and he gets a promotion, the sooner one of us moves up the ranks. Just think of it. No more
bunk room, my own cabin…

Val
Or mine! Besides, if we do find a cure, we’ll probably both get our own cabins, not to mention a big
raise! Except, she hates Horace.

Lucas
That doesn’t matter. Lucy may be sweet on that galley cook, but there’s no way the Captain would
consent to him as a son in law. Horace is an officer, he’s in like Flynn, and so are we!

Martine (day-dreaming on the rock)

How am I going to get my revenge?

Val
This is ridiculous. How are we going to find a doctor out here in the middle of nowhere? The
doctors on board couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her, and broke their computers trying.

Lucas
Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can find the most complicated answers in the simplest
places.

Val
Where’d you get that nugget, a cereal box?

Martine (picks up the zap stick and brandishes it like a sword, swiping at the air)
I will have vengeance! No matter how long it takes, or what the price. You are mine now, Samuel…
Vengeance will be mine… sooner or later …
(She collides with Lucas and Val, each in their own worlds.)
Oh, I’m so sorry, I was in my own little world. What are you doing down here, are you lost?
 15

Lucas
Sorry, we were in our own fog too.

Val
Yeah, we’re just searching for something that doesn’t exist!

Martine
Maybe I can help?

Lucas
Maybe, if you know a doctor, a great physician who can do the impossible, succeed where all others
have failed, and cure a girl who suddenly fell mute.

Val
Everything has failed, so we’re on a mission to find a rare and mystical wizard who can cure her.

Martine (to herself)

A wizard, huh? Well, well. Mana from heaven! (To them) You must be the luckiest men alive. You
couldn’t have come to a better place. I know a man, the most skilled doctor in the universe. He can
cure any illness.

Lucas
Really? Where can we find him?

Martine
He’s right here in the mine, he likes to dig up rocks.

Val
A doctor who’s a miner! That’s rich.

Lucas
He likes to dig up rocks?

Martine
Don’t get me wrong. He’s an extraordinary man. He just likes to be ‘one with the earth’. He is a
little bizarre, he might even seem crazy, in fact you’d never believe he’s a doctor. He dresses odd,
sometimes he might seem a bit mental, and he won’t tell you his methods. But, he can’t resist a
chance to use his marvelous medical gifts from the heavens.

Lucas
That’s true. Great men always have whimsy, some small touch of madness in them. Look at
Einstein’s hair, Monaco’s buzz!

Martine
Yes, but his madness is even greater than that, as is his genius! Sometimes when he ‘goes off’ he has
to be forced to accept what he is, he’ll never admit he’s a doctor, especially to strangers. He has to
be shocked into remembering by zapping him repeatedly, and hitting him … with this stick. That’s
what we do when we need him.
 16

Val
That’s insane!

Martine
True; but if he’s ‘gone off’, that what has to happen.

Lucas
Gone off?

Martine
Gone off. Of course, after his memory’s been jolted to the forefront, you’ll see that he does
wonders.

Val
What’s his name?

Martine
His name is Samuel, you can’t miss him. He wears a big white hat and a yellow and green outfit.

Val
Yellow and Green! So he’s a parrot doctor?

Lucas
But he’s a miracle worker, right? You said he can cure any disease?

Martine
Oh, yes! He’s magical. Six months ago, a woman every doctor had abandoned was dying. They
even arranged her burial. Samuel was summed by force, like I explained to you. He put a small drop
of, I don’t know what liquid, in her mouth and she got out of bed and walked around the room.
Like nothing had happened.

Lucas
Wow!

Val
It must have been liquid gold.

Martine
It’s possible. And three weeks ago, a young child fell from a tall church tower and broke both his
legs. He was immediately brought to this man, who rubbed the boy’s body with some kind of
homemade ointment. The child got up and ran to play hopscotch with his friends.

Lucas
Amazing!
 17

Val
That must be SOME medicine.

Martine
Without a doubt!

Lucas
Sounds like just the man we need! Come on, let’s go find him.

Val
Thank you so much for your help.

Martine (handing Val the stick)

But don’t forget the warning I gave you.

Val
If all we have to do is zap him, he’s ours!

Lucas
You have no idea how much you’ve helped us, you’re our savior!

Martine
Oh, glad to have helped. The pleasure is ALL mine!

ACT I INSERT SCENE

Lucy lies on the floor, Jacqueline comes in.

Jacqueline
Lucy. Get up. Andre is here to see you, but he can’t stay long! Your mother might come by any
minute. (Andre comes through the door.)

Andre
Lucy! (he rushes to her and they hug) How are you? (Lucy tries to talk but nothing comes out.
He looks at Jacqeuline.) Is she going to be alright?

Jacqueline
Who knows? Every doctor on board is stumped and the captain has resorted to hunting down
doctors on these far flung planets.

Andre
Can we have a minute, please?

Jacqueline
 18

All right, I’ll keep watch, but make it quick. If the Captain finds you here, she won’t even wait
for a court martial! (She exits)

Andre
Oh, my darling (he strokes her hair, Lucy pushes his hand away and goes to a mirror to fix it.)

Lucy
Don’t be so dramatic!

Andre
So it worked?

Lucy
They bought the whole thing! Who ever heard of a disease that makes you mute?

Andre
But the doctors…

Lucy
Couldn’t figure out a thing, because there’s nothing to figure out!

Andre
Do Tammy and Jo know?

Lucy
Nope. They’re great witnesses. Josephine almost got the bottle away from me, though. That was
close!

Andre
What about Horace?

Lucy
It’s perfect, he’s such a jerk he won’t marry me until I get well, so I’ll just stay sick forever!

Andre
Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to convince her.

Lucy
Good luck with that, she’s as stubborn as they come. (Jacqueline bangs on the door 3 times)

Jacqueline (in a loud voice from outside the door)

Good evening Captain!

Georgina
 19

What are you doing outside Lucy’s door? (Andre and Lucy scramble to hide him somewhere)

Jacqueline
Nothing, I was just checking on her, but she’s asleep.

Georgina
Well, stand aside. I’d like to check on her myself. (Finding nowhere else, Lucy stuffs him in the
cabinet, it remains open a few inches as he doesn’t quite fit in.)

Jacqueline
Oh, why not let her sleep? She’s been through a lot in the past few days.

Georgina
I said, stand aside! (Georgina throws the door open just as Lucy throws herself on the floor
covered in pillows and pretends to be asleep. Jacqueline looks on from the doorway.)

Georgina
Lucy darling? Lucy, how are you feeling? (Lucy pretends to wake up, and grabs her throat as if
in pain. Georgina sits on the cabinet, squishing it closed and crushing Andre. He lets out a little
cry. Lucy jumps up suddenly and sits next to her mother, duplicating the sound.)

Lucy
Huhn!

Georgina
You’re better?

Lucy
Huh han huh.

Georgina
Do you hear Jaqueline? She can make sounds!

Lucy
Hun Ha (she grabs her throat and falls to her knees, she lies down on the floor again.)

Jacqueline
It’s worn her out to make those sounds, we should let her sleep, captain.

Georgina
I suppose you’re right. (to Lucy) Don’t worry, we’re searching the galaxy for a cure. You rest
now, and I’ll get the ship’s doctor to look at you again. (She strokes her head and goes to the
door) Come Jacqueline. (They leave)

Andre (popping open the cabinet, and falling over the edge onto the floor)
There’s no air in there, I nearly suffocated!
 20

Lucy
You’re fine, you baby. I almost had a heart attack!

Andre
That was too close. What are we going to do?

Lucy
You need to go before they come back.

Andre
But you can’t get better, or she’ll marry you off to that officer!

Lucy
Don’t worry about the doctors, I fooled them once, I can do it again.

Andre
Okay, but promise not to get better until I have a plan!

Lucy
Ham Ha Hi Han (They hug and he leaves. She flops on the floor.)

Act I Scene 4

Samuel sits on a rock, holding his bottle and swigging, humming a little tune and swinging his pick to chip the rock
under him. Val and Lucas come around the corner.

Val
I hear humming.

Samuel
Hm, hm, hm… Well, that’s enough work for now, let’s take a breather.
(He takes a big final swig, holds the bottle upside down, trying to get the last drop.)
What a disappointment. As hard as this rock is, you my sweet nectar are as gentle. But why do you
have to go dry? If only you’d stay full, I’d be content forever. Oh, why do you always have to empty
yourself?

Lucas
Here he is!

Val
Are you sure that’s him?
 21

Lucas
It looks like him.

Samuel (sees the two approach)

Hide, bottle. Hide! Strangers, coming to take you away. They don’t belong down here, what can they
want?

Lucas
It’s definitely him.

Val
Well, he does look like a parrot.

Samuel (makes a grand motion to stash the bottle behind him, making it look like he’s bowing, Val starts to bow
back, but realizes Samuel’s not bowing when he turns his back on him, so he catches himself and turns around in a
circle. Samuel sees this.)
That’s an odd dance.

Lucas
Sir, is your name Samuel?

Samuel
Why?

Lucas
Because I’d like to know if your name is Samuel.

Samuel
Maybe yes and maybe no, depends what you want from him.

Val
Only to give him our admiration and praise.

Samuel
Oh, in that case, yes, my name is Samuel.

Lucas
We are delighted to meet you, sir. We’ve been trying to find you. We desperately need your help!

Samuel
If there’s any way I can help, I’m at your service. Did Malachi send you?

Lucas
You have no idea how thankful we are. Please, sit, sit. Don’t stand in the sun on our account.

Val
Sure, have a seat here in the shade. .
 22

Samuel
Ok, what’s going on?

Lucas
Please, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m sure a man of your stature must get approached all the time!

Samuel
Well I do run the greatest mine in the universe!

Lucas
Well…

Samuel
No one can cut rock like I can, to get the perfect sizes and shapes!

Val
That’s not what we mean.

Samuel
They sell for 10 units a bag. Minimum.

Lucas
Please! We’re not talking about the rocks.

Samuel
I can assure you I cut like no other.

Val
Yes, we’re sure you do.

Samuel
Then surely you will buy some. 10 units a bag.

Val
You’re making fun of us.

Samuel
I’m not making fun of you, I can’t sell them for less.

Lucas
There’s another matter.

Samuel
You won’t find better quality.
 23

Lucas
I’m sure we can’t.

Samuel
There’s no need to search elsewhere.

Val
Are you sure?

Samuel (grabs a bag of rocks and throws it at Lucas)

Absolutely. You’ll be completely satisfied, I never exaggerate. These are the best in the universe!

Lucas (Catching it in the gut and falling to the ground)

What did we do to make you mad? Why are you playing us like this? I can’t believe that a renowned
doctor like you would try to hide it, keep your gifts to yourself.

Samuel
He’s lost it.

Lucas
Come on, we know.

Samuel
Know what?

Val
Your miracles, we already know about them.

Samuel
What are you talking about? Who do you think I am?

Lucas
Who you are of course, a great doctor.

Samuel
Doctor shmoctor: Not one now, never have been. Buy some moonstone, or go away.

Lucas (to Val)

Get the stick ready, I guess he’s gone off. (To Samuel)
Please sir, stop denying it. We don’t want to have to take extreme measures.

Samuel
What do you mean, extreme measures?

Val
Measures that you won’t like.
 24

Samuel
Go ahead, take whatever measures you want. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t know what you want
from me.

Lucas (To Val)

I guess it’s time for the stick.
(To Samuel)
Please, sir. I beg you, admit who you are.

Val
Just confess you’re a doctor.

Samuel
Now you are making me mad…

Val
Why deny it? We already know.

Lucas
Don’t pretend to be someone else. What’s the point?

Samuel
For the last time, I’m NOT a doctor, I can’t help you!

Val
You’re not a doctor?

Samuel
No.

Lucas
You’re not a doctor?

Samuel
No, I told you.

Val
Alright then, you leave us no choice.
(He zaps him with the stick.)

Samuel
Hey, is that my stick?

(Val zaps him again and begins to chase him around, hitting him.)

Lucas
Why are you forcing us to do this?
 25

Val
Why make us beat you?

Lucas
I very sorry, we don’t want to do this.

Val
I’m sorry too, although it is kind of fun.

Samuel
Alright, Alright. Stop! Is this some kind of joke? You’re trying to force me to say I’m a doctor?

Val
Really? You won’t give it up? You still deny being a doctor?

Samuel
I’m no more doctor than you are… well maybe more than you!

Lucas
So you are not a doctor?

Samuel
No, by God, I told you no! (Val starts beating him again and zapping him) Ah! Ah! All right, All right,
fine. Since you want it so bad, I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor; and a pharmacist too if you like. Stop
hitting me with that stick!

Lucas
Good. I’m glad you’ve finally seen the light.

Val
Me too, but if you change your mind, I’m right here.

Lucas
We’re very sorry, cross our heart. We beg your forgiveness. Don’t we Val?

Val
Sure, sure. Forgive me too… please.

Samuel (aside)
Maybe I have amnesia. Is it possible I really am a doctor, and just forgot?

Lucas
You won’t regret admitting who you are, you’ll profit from it immensely.

Val
As will we!
 26

Samuel
Wait a minute, you’re sure there’s no mistake? You’re sure I’m a doctor?

Lucas
Of course!

Samuel
Really?

Val
Without a doubt.

Samuel
I can’t believe it!

Lucas
Of course! You’re the most skillful doctor in the universe.

Samuel
Well, I knew it was something.

Val
You’ve healed I don’t how many sick people.

Samuel
Really!

Lucas
A woman was dead for six hours, ready to be buried, and with a drop of an elixir, you brought her
back to life and she walked across the room.

Samuel
Incredible!

Val
A young child fell from the top of a church tower and broke his legs and you made him rise with
some ointment, and he went off to play with his friends!

Samuel
I almost don’t believe it!

Lucas
Come with us, and you can name your price for your services.

Samuel
I can name my price?
 27

Lucas
Your price.

Samuel
Oh yes! I remember now, I AM a doctor. Without question, I don’t know where my mind was, but
it’s very clear now! So where are we going, what’s all this about?

Val
Just follow us. There’s a girl who has lost her voice.

Samuel
Well, I didn’t find it.

Val
A comedian too. Let’s go.

Samuel
I’ll need a lab coat and stethoscope.

Lucas
We have some on the ship.

Samuel (retrieving his bottle and handing it to Val).

Here, take this. This is where I put my medicines.
(turning to Lucas and spitting on the ground)
You, step on that, doctor’s orders.

Val
Okay then! Here’s a doctor I like. He’s so crazy, I think it just might work.

Blackout.

INTERMISSION
 28

Act II Scene 1

Georgina and Jacqueline are on the deck. Val and Lucas enter.

Lucas
Captain, I think you’ll be satisfied. We’ve brought you the best doctor in the universe.

Val
Yep, they broke the mold when they made this one. He won’t be like any of the others!

Lucas
He’s worked miracles and cured thousands.

Val
Cured people who were dead!

Lucas
He is a little eccentric, like most geniuses.

Val
And sometimes he sort of loses his mind thinks he’s someone else.

Lucas
Well, he likes to joke around, and sometimes acts a little crazy, but he’s very scientific, and uses
words I can’t even comprehend.

Val
Once you get him going, it’s like he’s reading from a medical encyclopedia.

Lucas
His reputation precedes him, and everyone goes to him.

Georgina
Ok, so where is this genius? Go get him!

Val (exiting)
Right away.

Jacqueline
Really Captain, This one will be the same as all the others. The best doctor you could give your
daughter, would be a good husband.

Georgina
Thank you for your opinion, but you can keep it to yourself.

Lucas
Shut up, Jacqueline. Don’t butt in where you’re not wanted!
 29

Jacqueline
These witch doctors you’re bringing in won’t do any good. Lucy doesn’t need some mystical potion,
what she needs is a man. The right husband is what will cure her.

Georgina
Who’s going to marry a girl without a voice? Besides, I set her up with Horace, who’s an officer and
a gentleman, and what did she do? She refused to see him!

Jacqueline
Of course she did! You’re trying to marry her off to a man she doesn’t love. Why not let her marry
Andre? She loves him, and I guarantee he’d marry her, voice or no voice.

Georgina
Andre! He’s a galley cook, not an officer. She doesn’t need to marry below her station, like some
people.

Jacqueline
Are you referring to Lucas? He’s thinking about officer training, he just need a bit more…
motivation. Besides, Andre’s uncle owns the best restaurant on Trappist Prime. The chef is old and
when he retires, the job is Andre’s. Eventually he’ll inherit the whole thing.

Georgina
And when will that be? He could be waiting decades, and then what? She’s going to move to some
God forsaken planet? Death doesn’t listen to the wishes of heirs. You can wither away waiting for
someone to die before starting your life.

Jacqueline
Well, happiness is more important than wealth or station. Parents are too concerned with how much
he’s worth and what he does. I would rather my daughter marry someone she loves, rather than have
all the money in the world.

Georgina
Spoken like a true non-parent. That would be why I’m Captain and you’re first mate.

Lucas
Jackie! Don’t forget your rank you talk too much. The Captain doesn’t care what you have to say.
Stop being a know-it-all and go do your job. She knows what is best for her daughter, you stay out
of it.

Georgina
Excuse me steward, I can handle my own staff, thank you. You may say what you want in your own
quarters, but on my deck, she outranks you!

Lucas
Forgive me Captain, just wanted to make sure she shows you the respect you deserve.
 30

Georgina
That’s all well and good, but I can handle my own affairs, thank you.

Val enters

Val
Captain, the Good doctor, Samuel…

Samuel enters in a doctor’s uniform but with a strange pointed hat.

Georgina
Sir, thank you for coming aboard, we are in great need of your assistance.

Samuel (handing a hat to Georgina)

As Hippocrates said …. we should both wear hats.

Georgina
Hippocrates said that?

Samuel
Yes.

Georgina
When was that?

Samuel
In his book. His chapter on hats.

Georgina (She takes the hat and puts it on.)

Well, I suppose if Hippocrates said it…

Samuel
Doctor, having learned such wonderful things...

Georgina
Excuse me, who are you speaking to?

Samuel
To you.

Georgina
I’m not a doctor.

Samuel
You’re not a doctor?
 31

Georgina
No, I’m the Captain of this ship.

Samuel
(He grabs the stick from Val, and begins hitting and zapping Georgina about the room.)
How about now?

Georgina
Ah ! ah ! ah ! What are you doing?

Samuel
Now you’re a doctor! You have the same diploma as I do.

Georgina
I said, “What the hell are you doing?”

Lucas
I told you he was a little crazy.

Georgina
Well, enough of this insanity, get him out of here.

Lucas
He’s only joking.

Georgina (Samuel stops, recognizing it isn’t working)

Well, it isn’t funny!

Samuel
Captain, I beg your pardon.

Georgina
All right. I guess you’re forgiven.

Samuel
I’m so very sorry.

Georgina
It’s fine.

Samuel
For hitting you, and …

Georgina
Just drop it.
 32

Samuel
Zapping you with a stick.

Georgina
I said let it go. (Samuel drops the stick, Val snatches it up.)
Now, to the matter at hand. My daughter is beset with a strange disease.

Samuel
I’m thrilled your daughter needs my help, and I wish with all my heart, that you and your staff were
also ill, so I could show you the depth of my willingness to serve you.

Georgina
Thank you … I think.

Samuel
I assure you I meant it in the best possible way.

Georgina
You’re too kind.

Samuel
What is your daughter’s name?

Georgina
Lucy.

Samuel
Lucy! Ah! What a beautiful name for a patient! Lucy!

Jacqueline
I’ll go see what she’s doing.

Samuel (Noticing Jacqueline for the first time)

Who is that magnificent creature?

Georgina
She’s my first mate.

Samuel (takes her by the hand, then takes her pulse)

Oh my! What a glorious specimen of a woman! Ah - Miss first mate, I must examine you for my
files. All my cures, all my knowledge, all my talents are at your service, and...

Lucas
Excuse me, Doctor, please unhand my wife.

Samuel
What? This is your wife?
 33

Lucas
Yes.

Samuel (Lucas grabs Samuel’s hand flinging Jacqueline in a spin. Samuel takes Lucas’ hand with his other hand
and throws his arms wide, catching and hugging Jacqueline, sending Lucas flying.)
Oh, what a lucky man you are to have snagged such an amazing wife!

Lucas (recovering and pulling him away from Jacqueline, spinning her again.)
Enough, already.

Samuel
You make such a wonderful couple. A bit surprising of course, but I congratulate you on marrying
such a beautiful, (takes Lucas’ hands and flings him away, again ending up in Jacqueline’s arms) and wise, and
accomplished woman… and so gorgeous

Lucas (Again rushing back and pulling Samuel away.)

Hey! Hey! Hey! Enough with the compliments.

Samuel (Spinning into Lucas’ arms)

Do don’t want me to celebrate your marriage to such a beautiful woman?

Lucas
Celebrate with me all you like, but not with my wife!

Samuel
I am happy for both of you.
(He kisses Lucas on both cheeks, spins him away.)
And I kiss you to show you my joy, just as I kiss her.
(He catches Jacqueline again who can barely stand at this point. Kisses her on the cheeks.)

Lucas (Dizzy, trying to find his way to Samuel)

Doctor, I’m warning you.

Georgina
Doctor, my daughter will be here soon.

Samuel
And I’m here waiting, Captain, with all my great cures!

Georgina
Where are they?

Samuel (touching his forehead.)

Here in my head.

Georgina
If you say so.
 34

Samuel
So while we’re waiting, I can examine you. (To Jacqueline, as he readies his stethoscope.) Please open your
shirt.

Lucas (regains his posture and flings Samuel away from Jacqueline. Sending her spinning into a couch.)
Oh no you don’t, I won’t have it.

Samuel
Won’t have what? It’s the duty of the doctor to examine his patients.

Lucas (swinging at Samuel and missing wildly)

I’ll show you duty!

Samuel (ducking under the swing)

You dare question a doctor? Get out of this room, and go get my patient!

Lucas (adopting a boxing pose)

I will not.

Samuel (Raising his arms in a conjuring pose.)

Then I’ll curse you with a fever.

Jacqueline (Rising and spinning Lucas out of the room.)

Go. I’m perfectly capable of defending myself, if he tries something funny!

Lucas (as he’s leaving)

I don’t want him touching you!

Samuel
You’re really that jealous? You don’t know how ridiculous you look!

Val and Lucy enter with Josephine and Tammy following.

Georgina
Her she is.

Samuel
Triplets then?

Georgina
No, just the first one. (Lucy bows)
She is my only daughter, and I would be devastated if she were to die.
 35

Samuel
Well then, we won’t let her die! (To Lucy) No dying without doctor’s orders.

Josephine
That ought to do it.

Tammy (The girls sit on the sofa)

Hush up!

Georgina
Get me a chair. (Lucas rushes to do so. She sits in front of Lucy.)

Samuel
Well, this patient is even more beautiful than the other one! (The girls giggle)

Georgina
You made her laugh.

Samuel
Good, good. When the doctor makes the patient laugh, it is the best sign in the world. Let’s see now
– what seems to be the problem young lady?

Lucy (responding with signs, putting her hand to her lips, to her head and under her chin.)
Han, hi, hom, han.

Samuel
I’m sorry, repeat that please. What are you saying?

Lucy (continues with the same gestures.)

Han, hi, hom, han, han, hi, hom.

Samuel
I beg your pardon, one more time.

Lucy
Han, hi, hom.

Samuel (imitating her.)

Han, hi, hom, han, ha: I don’t understand you. What crazy language are you speaking?

Tammy
That’s not another language, that’s her illness.

Josephine
She lost her voice. (quickly) No one knows why! (shoots a look to Tammy)

Tammy
Yeah, she just suddenly fell down and couldn’t talk.
 36

Georgina
Doctor, that’s her illness, and this unfortunate incident caused us to delay her marriage.

Samuel
Why is that?

Georgina
The man she’s supposed to marry wants to wait until she recovers.

Samuel
What kind of idiot wouldn’t want a wife who can’t talk? I should be so cursed, I wouldn’t cure her!

Georgina
Doctor, please do everything in your power to cure her.

Samuel
Of course, don’t worry. Tell me, you girls are together a lot?

Tammy
We’re always together

Josephine
We’re best friends.

Samuel
And is she always like this?

Tammy and Josephine

Yes, sir.

Samuel (pacing around the room with great arrogance)

I see… and does she feel great pain?

Tammy
Very great.

Josephine
All the time

Samuel
I see... and does she go to the bathroom?

Georgina
Yes, of course.
 37

Samuel
Often? (the girls shrug)

Georgina
How would we know?

Samuel
Well, has anyone checked?

Georgina
I don’t see what this has to do…

Samuel (Spins around to Lucy)

Give me your arm. (he checks her pulse, then turns to Georgina)
Uh huh. As I thought. According to her pulse, your daughter is mute.

Georgina
That’s right. You got that from her pulse?

Samuel
Of course!

Jacqueline
That’s amazing!

Samuel
Yes, we, great doctors, we can diagnose from just a pulse. A pretender would have been
embarrassed not to be able to tell, and would have said, “I have to go run more tests” but I figured
it out right away. Your daughter is mute.

Georgina
That’s right, but I wish you could tell me what caused it.

Samuel
Of course, it’s simple. She is mute because she lost her voice.

Georgina
Yes, of course, but why? Please, can you tell us what caused her to lose her voice?

Samuel
Well, as any of the best doctors will tell you, her tongue has been impeded.

Georgina
Yes, yes, but what is causing the impediment?

Samuel
Ah, of course. Well Aristotle, on that point, says….very interesting things.
 38

Georgina
I sure he does. Such as?

Samuel
Ah! He was a great man! Did you know Aristotle was Greek?

Georgina
Yes, of course.

Samuel (putting his hand in the air showing height.)

Yes a great man: a greater man than me. But back to my explanation. I believe that this impediment
of the tongue is caused by certain moods, which among scholars we call faulty moods. And the
vapors formed by the exhalations of the influences which arise with diseases cause... Do you
understand Latin?

Georgina
No, Not at all

Samuel (looks around the room to each of the others, who shake their heads no. Then astonished:)
You don’t understand Latin!

Georgina
No.

Samuel (As if reading from a medical book)

Cabricias arci thuram, catalamus, singulariter, nominativo haec Musa, "the Muse", bonus, bona,
bonum, Deus sanctus, estne oratio latinas ? Etiam, "yes". Quare, "why" ? Quia substantivo et
adjectivum concordat in generi, numerum, et casus.

Georgina
Oh, why didn’t I take Latin!

Jacqueline
What an amazing scholar!

Val
So amazing I didn’t understand a word!

Samuel
Now these vapors, pass from the left side, where the liver is, to the right side, where the heart is. It
so happens that the lung, which we call in latin “armyan”, having communication with the brain,
which we call in Greek “nasmus”, by means of the vena cava, encounters on its way, said vapors,
which fill the ventricles of the scapula; And because said vapors ... listen carefully, this is
important… said vapors are sometimes malignant. Listen carefully to this, I beg of you.

Georgina
Yes. Go on.
 39

Samuel
Are sometimes malignant, which is caused….pay attention, please.

Georgina
I am.

Samuel (to the others)

You too, don’t get lost! Which is caused by the sourness of the moods produced in the diaphragm.
It sometimes happens that these vapors ... Ossabandus, nequeys, nequer, potarinum, quipsa milus!
That is what makes your daughter mute.

Jacqueline
Oh my goodness!

Val
Well, you can’t argue with that!

Georgina
That certainly was quite convincing. What surprises me though is your placement of the liver and
heart. It seems to me that you have them backwards; the heart is on the left-hand side, and the liver
on the right-hand side.

Samuel
Ah, well… Yes, it used to be like that; but we changed it all you see, it’s a matter of perspective.
From the back, it’s correct. Anyway, we have a completely new method for medical treatment where
I studied.

Georgina
I see. I had no idea they changed it. I apologize for my ignorance.

Samuel
No harm done! You are not obliged to be as knowledgeable as we who are on the cutting edge of
medicine.

Georgina
Of course. But how do we cure her?

Samuel
What do I think we should do?

Georgina
Yes

Samuel
In my opinion, we should … send her to bed… and have her eat a loaf of bread each hour, dipped
in moonsugar.
 40

Georgina
Moonsugar, Why that?

Samuel
Because the mixture of bread and moonsugar results in the loosening of the tongue. Here on
Trappist, that is all we give to parrots and THEY speak!

Val (looking around for Lucas)

See, parrots!

Georgina
Of course, doctor! Quick, Val, go to the galley and get lots of bread! Where do you get moonsugar?
(Val leaves)

Samuel
From the mines, but it’s not strictly legal, so send her husband. He seems expendable... I mean,
resourceful.

Georgina
Girls, take Lucy back to her room. (The girls leave)

Samuel
I will come back this evening to check on her. (To Jaqueline) Not so fast first matey, I need to
examine you.

Jacqueline
Me? Why, I’m perfectly healthy.

Samuel
Oh, that’s bad news, bad news indeed. You should fear perfect health. I’m afraid we’ll need to take
some blood and do a thorough examination.

Georgina
Excuse me, why would you treat someone who isn’t sick?

Samuel
That’s not important right now, it’s in her best interest. Just like when you drink water when you are
thirsty, you need to have your blood drawn so you don’t get sick.

Jacqueline (as she exits)

Nice try doc, but I’ll trust the ship’s doctors and leave the voodoo to you quacks!

Samuel
Go ahead, refuse. You’ll end up like the little girl! (to Georgina) I don’t need this, I’m out of here.
Good day to you!
 41

Georgina
Wait! Please.

Samuel
For what?

Georgina
For your payment.

Samuel (Turns away, putting his hand out behind his back.)
I can’t accept.

Georgina
Sir...

Samuel
Not a unit.

Georgina (as she loads a cash drive)

Just a moment.

Samuel
I told you I can’t accept.

Georgina
Please!

Samuel
Don’t insult me.

Georgina (puts the drive in his hand)

It is already done.

Samuel (puts it in his pocket)

I won’t take it.

Georgina
But…

Samuel
I don’t do what I do for money.

Georgina
I believe you.

Samuel
Is this the right amount?
 42

Georgina
Yes, sir.

Samuel
I am not a mercenary.

Georgina
I know that.

Samuel
I am not motivated, in any way, by money.

Georgina
The thought didn't cross my mind.

Samuel
Good.

Georgina leaves.

Samuel (looking at the amount on the drive as he walks off the deck into the hall.)
Bye… My God ! That’s not bad... and if…

Act II, Scene 2

Andre grabs him in the hallway

Andre
Excuse me Sir, I’ve been waiting for you. I need your help!

Samuel (Grabs his wrist to take his pulse.)

Let me take your pulse. Oh, my, this isn’t good.

Andre (pulling his arm away)

I am not sick. That’s not why I’m here.

Samuel
Why didn’t you say so?

Andre
I.. I needed to talk to you in private. My name is Andre, and I’m in love with your patient, Lucy. Her
mother won’t let us see each other, so I need your help. I need to find a way to tell her that I love
her, no matter what’s wrong with her. My life and happiness depend on it.
 43

Samuel
Why would I help you? How dare you ask me to help you with your love affairs! It’s beneath my
position as a doctor!

Andre
Please, don’t make so much noise.

Samuel
I’ll make as much noise as I want!

Andre
Please. Calm down!

Samuel
You calm down.

Andre
Please, for the love of God, be quiet!

Samuel
I am not a man who would lower myself to going behind a mother’s back...

Andre (pulls out a drive and puts it in Samuel’s hand.)

Sir...

Samuel (Opens the drive and looks at the amount)

….for money... I’m not talking about you of course, because you’re an honest man, and I would be
delighted to help you. But, there are people in this world who would take me for a fraud. That hurts.

Andre
I’m sorry to hear that.

Samuel
Are you mocking me, son?

Andre
No, listen, the disease you’re trying to cure is a fake. They’ve consulted many doctors who said the
disease came from the brain, the spleen, the liver, but none were right. The real cause of the
problem is love. Lucy came down with this disease to get out of an unjust marriage. Come with me,
we can’t be seen together, so let’s talk and walk.

Samuel
I feel for your love, I promise I’ll do everything in my medical power. The patient will die, or she’ll
be yours to love.

They exit the ship

 44

ACT II, INSERT SCENE 2.5

Lucas enters the mine. Martine is sitting in Samuel’s spot drinking moonsugar. The lights are
very dim.

Lucas
Hello?

Martine
Who’s there?

Lucas
I’m here from the ship. Is there light?

Martine
There’s a lantern by the entrance.

Lucas
I don’t see one.

Martine
Just follow my voice then.

Lucas (steps toward Martine and trips over the lantern).

Found it.

ACT II, Scene 3

Andre, dressed in yellow and green, and Samuel enter the ship and are met by Marlo, the security officer. Samuel has
a bottle of moonsugar in his hand and another in his pocket.

Marlo
Stop. Where are your credentials?

Samuel
I’m the doctor they’ve brought to cure the Captain’s daughter, and this is my medical assistant.

Marlo (checks her log, looks them over again)

I guess you couldn’t make that up.
 45

Marlo lets them pass and exits into the ship.

Andre
Are you sure this is what a pharmacist wears? I guess since the Captain rarely sees me, she won’t
recognize me in this getup, with the hat and wig.

Samuel
Of course not.

Andre
Can you teach me four or five words to say, so I can make it seem like I’m a man of medicine.

Samuel
Don’t worry about it. The disguise is enough. Besides, I don’t know any more words than you do.

Andre
What?

Samuel
I don’t know anything about medicine! You were honest with me, so I’ll be honest with you.

Andre
What? You’re not actually….

Samuel
Nope. I’m telling you; they made me a doctor in spite of myself. I didn’t even make it through
school. Look, I don’t know how they came up with this story, but when I realized that they were
going to beat me into submission if I didn’t say I was a doctor, I decided to become one.

Andre
Who was beating you?

Samuel
I don’t know, someone from your ship. But you can’t imagine how the story spread, and now
everyone thinks I am a great physician. They’re coming from everywhere. And if this keeps up, I
may decide to devote my life to medicine.

Andre
How could you?

Samuel
Are you kidding, this is great! Whether we’re right or wrong, we get paid the same. Just speak with
confidence and you never get blamed for the outcome. Don’t worry about making a mistake
because it’s always patient’s fault if they die. And the dead are honest and very discrete. You never
see a dead patient complain about the doctor who killed him!
 46

Andre
True, the dead are very honest.

Marlo returns with Perrin. Samuel finishes off the bottle.

Samuel
Wait for me in Lucy’s quarters, I’ll be there soon. This looks like another patient.

They enter the deck

Marlo
There you are! We need your help. My son, Perrin and I.

Samuel
What can I do for you?

Marlo
Perrin’s father, Perrit, has been sick in bed for 6 months.

Samuel (fidgets with his coat, hands the empty bottle to Perrin, rubbing his hands together.)
I see, and what do you want from me?

Marlo
I would like, sir, for you to perform some of your medical magic to cure him.

Samuel (extends one hand, rubbing his fingers in front of him.)

I need to know what he’s sick with.

Marlo
He has hypocrisy, sir.

Samuel (flexing his hand now)

Hypocrisy?

Marlo
Yes, he’s completely swollen, they say his body is shutting down, problems everywhere. He has
weakness and pain, sometimes goes into a coma and has convulsions. I think he even died a time or
two already. We’ve spent a small fortune trying one cure after another, and all have failed. I’m afraid
to try any more for fear they’ll kill him with their wild concoctions.

Samuel (holding his hand straight out now.)

Get to the point, please, get to the point.

Marlo
We’ve come to ask what to do.

Samuel
 47

I don’t understand you at all.

Perrin (hands him a drive full of credits)

Sir, my father’s on his death bed. Here take this, please, and tell us how to cure him.

Samuel
Ah! Now, I understand you. (looks at the credit amount) Here’s someone who speaks clearly, and
explains himself well. You say your father is sick of hypocrisy, his whole body is swollen, he has a
fever, convulsions, and constant pain?

Perrin
Yes, that’s it exactly.

Samuel
I understand you completely. Your mother’s a bit convoluted. Now, you’re asking me for a cure?

Perrin
Yes, sir.

Samuel
A remedy… to cure it?

Perrin
That’s what I said.

Samuel (Digs in his pocket. Comes out with the new bottle in one hand, a bit of cheese in the other.)
Let’s see. Here’s a piece of cheese. Take it to him and tell him to eat it.

Perrin
Cheese, sir?

Samuel
Yes, it is a special cheese, mixed with gold, coral, pearls, and … other precious things.

Perrin
We are indebted to you. We’ll take it to him right away.

Samuel (as they leave)

Good, and if he happens to die, give him a nice burial.

Samuel opens the bottle and takes a long drink. Jacqueline and Lucas enter

Lucas
There you are! Stay right here, the Captain wants to talk to you.

Lucas leaves as Samuel grabs Jacqueline’s wrist and stops her.

 48

Samuel
Ah, my beautiful first mate. How fortunate to run into you like this, just seeing you fills my
melancholy soul.

Jacqueline
Ah my touchy-feely Doctor, you have a sweet tongue for such a prickly pear!

Samuel
Oh first mate of my dreams, please become ill, so I can cure you and take you away from your
illness.

Jacqueline
I don’t know what illness you speak of, but I prefer not to be cured, thanks.

Samuel
Your illness is your married state! How I pity you, to have a husband as jealous and annoying as
yours.

Jacqueline
What can I do? I suppose it’s punishment for my sins, but married I am, so there it is.

Samuel
But why? He is a brute with no education! Always watching you and spying!

Jacqueline
Ha. If only you knew the half of it. That doesn’t begin to touch on his long list of faults.

Samuel
He doesn’t abuse you does he? He wouldn’t dare. How could anyone mistreat such an amazing and
accomplished woman as yourself? Not letting you talk to anyone, he must be jealous of you. What a
brute, a loathsome, worthless fool… I’m sorry. Please forgive me for calling him those names.

Jacqueline
He deserves them.

Samuel
Of course he deserves them, and more. He would even deserve to be taught a lesson… (Lucas enters
from the hall and lingers in the doorway) if you took revenge on him by seeing someone else, him being so
suspicious. I would be happy to chosen for that job if you... later.

They both see Lucas in the doorway and exit separate ways. Georgina Enters behind him and
catches him by surprise.

Georgina
Lucas! Have you seen our doctor?
 49

Lucas
Yes, I have and my wife too!

Georgina
Where were they?

Lucas
They were in here, but they just left.

Georgina
So where was he going?

Lucas
I don’t know, but he can go to hell for all I care.

Georgina
Go see what my daughter is up to.

Georgina sits and Lucas exits. Samuel enters with Andre. Georgina stands again.

Georgina
Ah! Doctor, I was just wondering where you were.

Samuel
I was looking for you, and making sure the moonsugar was the right concentration. How is the
patient?

Georgina
A little worse since your treatment.

Samuel
That’s good: It’s a sign that it’s working.

Georgina
Yes; but, by working, I’m afraid it will choke her.

Samuel
Don’t worry; I have treatments that mock all illnesses. I know she’ll get better.

Georgina
Who is this man you brought aboard?

Samuel (making signs with his hands)

He is...

Georgina
What?
 50

Samuel
The one...

Georgina
Yes?

Samuel
Who...

Georgina
I’m listening.

Samuel
Good. Your daughter will need you to listen.

Jacqueline and Lucy enter from her room. The girls tag along behind.

Jacqueline
I’m sorry Captain, Lucy needed some air.

Samuel
Good! That’s good for her, get her out, take a walk, it will do her good. My pharmacist will go with
her, take her pulse, see how she’s doing and report back to me on her condition. Go on.
(Samuel takes the Captain aside so Andre and Lucy can talk. They try to walk away to talk privately but each time
the girls horn back in, causing them to move again.)
Captain, let me tell you of the new debate. There is a stirring question about the difference in
treatment between women and men. Obviously women are superior to men in many ways, but in
the subtle ways of mood and temperament, there is a different divide. The debate is over hormonal
tides. That is, as the moon affects the tides of the earth, and other planets feel the effects of the
bodies orbiting them, so do women feel the effects of certain hormonal tides within them. Now,
don’t misunderstand, there is nothing negative in the observation, it’s simply a matter of the
movement of bodies… (During this he’s swaying her and moving her body as he’s explaining to keep her from
seeing Andre and Lucy.)

Josephine
She’s not going to marry him!

Tammy
Lucy, be reasonable!

Lucy
No, I’m in love!

Georgina
She speaks! Doctor, you’re amazing! I can’t believe it worked. I’m forever in your debt! Is there
anything I can do to repay you?
 51

Samuel (feigning great tiredness)

This was a very difficult diagnosis and cure.

Lucy
Yes, mother, I found my voice, but only to tell you I’ll never marry anyone but Andre, and there’s
no way I’ll marry Horace.

Georgina
But...

Lucy
Nothing can change my mind!

Georgina
What... ?

Lucy
No matter what you say.

Georgina
If...

Lucy
No matter what you do.

Georgina
I...

Lucy
I’m solid as a rock.

Georgina
But...

Lucy
I’ll never marry against my will.

Georgina
I am...

Lucy
All of your efforts will be in vain.

Georgina
It...

Lucy
 52

My heart will not be broken.

Georgina
Here...

Lucy
I’ll run away to a convent before I marry someone I don’t love!

Georgina
But...

Lucy
No! No way. I won’t change my mind, you’re wasting your time. I won’t. Period.

Georgina
Ah! You’re driving me crazy. I can’t even get a word in. Doctor, please, make her mute again.

Samuel
Sorry, can’t do that, but I could make you deaf.

Georgina
Please! And as for you, young lady....

Lucy
No. Nothing you say matters!

Georgina
You’ll marry Horace tonight.

Lucy
I would rather marry death.

Samuel
Enough! Stop! I have the answer. She’s got another disease but I know how to cure her.

Georgina
Is it possible? You can cure this illness of her mind?

Samuel
Of course, I have remedies for everything, and my assistant can help with this cure.
(He calls the Apothecary over.) A word. There’s no time to lose. As you see, she’s fallen into a foul
temper, the moon must have changed the tides in her. There’s only one possible cure, a heavy
laxative in which you will mix two drachmas of matrimonium tablets. She may fight it at first but
you have to find a way. Take her into the garden, that should lighten her mood, but remember,
speed is of the essence! (They leave)

Georgina
 53

Doctor, what drugs were you just referring to? I don't think I‘ve ever heard of them.

Samuel
They’re only used in emergencies.

Georgina
Have you ever seen such disrespect?

Samuel
Girls can be stubborn.

Georgina
You don’t know how bewitched she is by this Andre.

Samuel
Well, once children feel the hormonal tides, that can happen.

Georgina
As soon as I discovered it, I kept them apart.

Samuel
You’ve done well.

Georgina
I heard they kept trying to meet.

Samuel
Of course they would.

Georgina
But I intervened.

Samuel
As you should.

Georgina
I think she might have eloped.

Samuel
I can see that.

Georgina
I was told he sent her secret messages in food.

Samuel
Imagine that.
 54

Georgina
But he’s wasting his time.

Samuel
Absolutely!

Georgina
He won’t put one over on me.

Samuel
He’s not dealing with a fool. You’ve seen a thing or two. He couldn’t put one over on you unless he
was a genius.

Lucas (rushing onstage with Marlo)

Captain, Treason! Your daughter’s run away with the galley cook!

Marlo
He was posing as the pharmacist, and he was aided by this so-called doctor. It was his plan!

Georgina
What? How is that possible? He cured her disease.

Marlo
It was all a hoax. She wasn’t ill after all!

Georgina
Lock down the ship. We’ll stop them from escaping!

Marlo
Aye, aye Captain!
(Marlo makes a call on her com and alarms sound.Perrin and the girls come running in during the scene.)

Georgina
And you, traitor. You’ll face the full fury of our justice! Shackle him!

Lucas (Lucas and Marlo grab Samuel and lock him to the wall. Marlo grabs phasers from a case and hands one to
Lucas. They point them at Samuel firing squad style.)
My pleasure! Now, doctor, you’ll finally get what’s coming to you.

Martine boards the ship as Andre and Lucy run off just ahead of the sound of doors locking down. Val meets her in
the hallway.

Val
Excuse me, how did you get aboard?

Martine
 55

Someone just let me in on their way out. You wouldn’t believe the trouble I had finding this place.
Do you know where that doctor is I told you about?

Val
He’s on the main deck.

Martine
Well, he’s my husband.

Val
Sorry about that.

Martine
I’ll get over it.

Val
Better hurry, he’s about to be executed.

Martine
Executed? Well, that sucks. What did he do now?

Val
He colluded in the abduction of the Captain’s daughter.

Martine
Can you show me to him?

Val
He’s just this way.

Val leads Martine onto the deck

Val
Captain, it’s the doctor’s wife.

Georgina
She can have some last words.

Val leads her to where Samuel is shackled. Lucas and Marlo stand down.

Martine (To Samuel)

Well look at you now. My dear, are you really going to be executed?

Samuel
Seems that way!
 56

Martine
Looks like you’ve drawn quite a crowd.

Samuel
I’ve always told you I’m popular. You shouldn’t be so upset about it.

Martine
Well I could get over it easier if you’d finished mining the oar you promised me.

Samuel
Go away, you’re breaking my heart.

Martine
I wouldn’t miss this for anything. Besides I’m here for moral support.

Samuel (She backs away as Marlo and Lucas raise their weapons again)
Lucky me.

Georgina
Are you ready to atone for what you’ve done?

Samuel
Are you sure I can’t atone with a beating and a few zaps from the stick?

Georgina
Nice try, but your crimes require the maximum sentence. Prepare to die!

The sirens stop and Jaqueline runs in from the outside. Everyone freezes and looks at her.

Jacqueline
Hold everything! The lovers have returned!

Andre and Lucy walk in, hand in hand.

Andre
Captain, I’ve returned to bring Lucy back. We planned to run away together and elope, but it didn’t
seem honest. This doctor has cured me of my recklessness and I’ve seen the error of my ways. I’ve
returned to ask you for Lucy’s hand in marriage.

Lucy
Before you answer mother, Jacqueline just gave us the news. Andre’s uncle passed away and left him
his entire estate.

Georgina
Very well, you have my blessing. Well doctor, I guess you can work miracles. Let him go.

Marlo and Lucas unshackle Samuel

 57

Samuel
It seems the doctor escaped by the skin of his teeth!

Tibalt comes bursting into the room.

Tibalt
The cheese. It worked!

Blackout.