Understanding the Differences Between the Sexes

While the 20th century brought legal and socioeconomic equality with men for modern and
postmodern women, the unique biological and genetic makeup that distinguishes the sexes has
remained the same. To gain a deeper understanding of the male-female dynamic, we will now
further distinguish between (1) essential sex differences between males and females (body), (2)
learned gender roles of men and women (mind), and (3) the feminine and masculine polarities that
can be uniquely embodied by both sexes (soul).

Throughout this manual we’ll use the following terminology:

When referring to biological differences (sex), we’ll speak of male/female.

When referring to learned social patterns (gender), we’ll speak of men/women.

When referring to polarity (soul), we’ll speak of masculine/feminine.

Figure 9: Body/mind of men and women

In this chapter, we will explore each dimension as the first element of our Integral Relationship
Model.*2

SEX: PHYSICAL/BIOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES (BODY)

 

Sex (as a noun) refers to the physiological, biological, and genetic makeup of males and females.
It has evolved over billions of years and is unaffected by social change. Typical human males have
a penis and XY chromosomes, grow more body hair, turn bald, and produce ten times more
testosterone than females, who have a vagina, XX chromosomes, breasts, higher-pitched voices,
more estrogen, and think less often about sex. These differences have been hardwired into our
bodies by evolution, and require a sex change procedure to be altered. As a consequence, there
are distinct mating behaviors for heterosexual men and women that have become equally
hardwired:

Men are conditioned to be physically attracted to young (or at least, younger), vital, and healthy-
looking females with smooth skin, shiny hair, well-aligned complete white teeth, symmetric facial
and body features, wide hips, small waists (ideally with an 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio),65 sparkling eyes,
and full breasts, which are all indicators for fertility and the ability to bear healthy children.66

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Women are intuitively drawn to benevolent, strong, tall,67 successful, intelligent, healthy-looking,
and entertaining males with money, future earning potential, power, and social status, who
commit to and love them exclusively. These attributes are all indicators for good genes and a
male’s capacity to be a strong protector and provider.68

The sexual fantasies of males are objectified in the offerings of the porn industry69 (which are
condemned by society), while romance novels70 and “chick flicks” (which are sanctioned by
society) represent the equivalents that cater to the sexual fantasies of females.

SEX-BASED DIFFERENCES IN MALE/FEMALE PRIMARY FANTASY

 

Researchers have identified how biological sex differences result in sex-based fantasies that are
consistent throughout all cultures.

These fantasies run deep in our unconscious, are almost impossible to transcend,71 and their
fulfillment is the prerequisite for any romantic interest in a member of the opposite sex. We’re
going to refer to them collectively as the Primary Fantasy. All other qualities that lovers typically
seek in a partner are secondary to the Primary Fantasy and usually gender-neutral. They include
shared values, interests, lifestyle choices, temperaments, plans and dreams for the future, and
compatible needs around time spent together, money, and sex.72

Once the Primary Fantasy is fulfilled, a male’s loving feelings for a sexy female and hers for a
successful male are experienced as absolutely real and authentic. Their bodies signal the
potential to produce and raise healthy offspring to their owners by increasing the production of
thrilling hormones that foster lust, desire, and intimacy, while temporarily impairing the rational
faculties of the love-struck couple’s brains so that they ignore red flags and have sex with each
other.

Lovers with this experience often speak of the chemistry between them and they are right.73 Lust
is triggered in males and females by an increased production of testosterone, feelings of intimacy
are promoted by dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, and attachment forms through
elevated levels of oxytocin in females and vasopressin in males.74 Some of these hormones are as
potent as illegal drugs. They can send their recipients on unknown highs, get them addicted, and
lead to painful withdrawal symptoms when they drop.75

Males get attracted and fall in love much more quickly than females, since their Primary Fantasy is
solely based on her physical appearance and sexual radiance.76 Seeing an attractive woman,
looking at sexy pictures, watching an erotic movie, or a stripper in a bar can be enough to elevate
the testosterone levels that turn him on. And often, to the utter frustration and puzzlement of
females, he can be turned off as quickly once he has conquered the object of his desire and goes
on the hunt for another sex object to get his fix.

Attractive females in alliance with the cosmetic, beauty, and fashion industry,77 as well as clever
advertisers for goods and services have, of course, been long aware of the effect that images of
sexy females have on males. They constantly bombard men with seductive messages that
suggest how making and spending large sums of money for status symbols (e.g., diamond ring,
car, watch), consuming the right products (e.g., beer, aftershave), or risking their health and lives
(fighting in the army, embarking on dangerous adventures, and engaging in violent/competitive
sports), will get them the woman of their dreams.78

Females usually experience the same initial spark when they see a physically attractive male, but
get turned off quickly if his socioeconomic status and personality do not meet their Primary
Fantasy (unless they are looking for a one-night-stand or “boy-toy”).79 Unlike males, females are
much more likely to warm up romantically to an older and physically less attractive partner over
time if his financial assets, social status, and character traits meet their expectations. While the
attention of males is almost exclusively directed towards her body, jumping her bones, and how
she will look on his arm, to her, his income, character, intelligence, wit, loyalty, stature, security,
use of language, manners, education, job, accomplishments, health, lifestyle, car, home, other
material possessions, retirement plan, circle of friends, and integrity are of high significance in
addition to (and sometimes instead of) good looks.80

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If the sexual attraction is mutual, she will still often need more time to build the confidence that he
is able, willing, and available to make an exclusive commitment as her benevolent, generous,
trustworthy, and consistent protector and provider. The evolutionary reason for her scrutiny and
selectivity before choosing him as a lover and partner lies in the possibility of her getting
pregnant. To conceive a child is a much larger emotional and life-changing investment for her than
for him.81 Even if couples use methods of contraception or can no longer conceive children, her
hormonal system responds in very much the same way as if she could get pregnant, in which
case she would have to endure nine months of physical discomfort, could not conceive another
man’s child, would risk her life during childbirth, and would be obligated to take care of the child
for years to come, while the father could easily abandon her and give his semen, love, and
support to another woman.82

THE SEX-BASED FEMALE FEAR—MALE SHAME DYNAMIC

 

The biological differences between the sexes also lead to the primary emotional reactions of fear
in females and shame in males. Fear (typically fear of abandonment) arises in her when she
experiences an emotional disconnect, usually after the initial chemistry is gone, or if she worries
that he falls short as her committed protector and provider. Her fear is triggered when their
communication breaks down, if he shows an interest in other women, if he reveals weaknesses,
appears incompetent, complains or worries about his job, becomes unemployed, engages in
addictive behaviors, or gets defeated. In her efforts to get him to reconnect with her emotionally,
to receive reassurance of his support, or to improve his performance, she often starts to withhold
sex, and to nag, criticize, challenge, humiliate, compare, or passive-aggressively ignore him,
without having a clue how she is undermining their partnership by doing so.83 If he does not
respond in a favorable way, she is quick to lose her faith and to accuse him of not listening to or
understanding her, and of being insensitive, emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive, or in
denial, which may or may not be the case.

Her efforts to re-connect and to support him to perform better only push him further away so that
he can avoid her ongoing emasculations84 and hide his primary emotion of shame for not being
good enough to make her happy. Instead of providing her with the connection, emotional safety,
strength, and reassurance that she is longing for, he may get angry at her, start to work longer
hours, try to make more money, spend more time with his buddies, engage in his hobbies,
embark on a spiritual path, or become whiny and depressed.85 She, on the other hand, does not
know how to inspire and reward him by showing empathy and to appreciate him for the things he
does (even if they are little) by recognizing/praising and having sex with him, which would often
open him up to provide her with more of the support, love, and reassurance that she craves.86
Both partners are then prone to discuss their unhappiness and frustration with members of the
opposite sex outside their relationship who show more empathy. Such behavior is called
emotional infidelity and is obviously a slippery slope, as sexual infidelity lurks right around the
corner.

Because of their different evolutionary conditioning, he is usually better equipped to handle her
emotional infidelity as long as she does not cheat sexually on him, while she can be forgiving
about his sexual infidelity as long as she is assured of his love, financial support, and commitment
to her.87

If you experience the fear-shame dynamic in your love relationship, you may be able to turn things
around by listening to your partner’s fears and concerns without guilt and without getting
defensive or withdrawn, and by reassuring her of your love, loyalty, and support.88

THE SOCIAL TABOO AROUND THE SEXUAL SELECTION PROCESS

 

The Primary Fantasy and the resulting sexual selection process that underlies most of our
partnerships is a highly vulnerable and emotionally charged issue for singles and couples alike,
and is therefore rarely addressed scientifically or publicly for several reasons:89

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(1) Hardly anybody wants to publicly state or admit that the primary criteria for the attractiveness
of females are their age, physique, looks, and sexual radiance—in short, their “fuckability factor,”
and those of males are their socioeconomic status, competitiveness, and generosity.90

(2) It is hard for singles to face the fact that they may have unresolved psychological issues that
prevent them from having a healthy partnership, or that they date way outside their league.
Women often have unrealistic expectations of attracting a “prince in shining armor” or “sugar
daddy” who they are too old and ugly for, while men may fantasize about younger, sexually
attractive Playboy model types whom they can’t afford.

(3) Social, radical, and eco-feminists91 are in denial about the role that sexually attractive and
partnership-oriented females (oops ... they are women too) play in the creation of social injustice,
wars, and the destruction of our ecosystem, by rewarding those males who are most ruthless in
competing for power, status, and wealth (at the expense of the environment as well as other
women and men) with their love, company, and sex, in exchange for a safe and carefree lifestyle.
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(4) Couples don’t want to be confronted with the possibility that they have confused the fulfillment
of each other’s Primary Fantasy with real love, especially if their partnership is in trouble after the
initial chemistry faded away.

(5) Singles who lack the necessary physical or material assets to attract a partner don’t want to be
reminded of the painful feelings that they have endured after previous rejections from members of
the opposite sex whose hearts they could not win.

While the Integral Relationship Model doesn’t ignore the important role that the Primary Fantasy
and the resulting hormonal reactions play in the co-creation of partnerships, it also does not
reduce partner choices or the quality of love relationships to these criteria. In Part II of the manual
we will therefore further differentiate how the Primary Fantasy is experienced at different levels of
consciousness development, and integrate it with the other elements of the Integral Relationship
Model.

UNDERSTANDING SEX-BASED DIFFERENCES REDUCES SUFFERING

 

As many psychologists, anthropologists, and sociologists have confirmed,93 and as you know
from your own experiences and observations, “men look for sex objects, and women look for
success objects,” “men want the one thing from every woman, while women want everything from
one man,” and “for men the physical attraction (and sex) causes the relationship, while for most
women, the relationship causes the physical attraction (and sex).”

Your investment in this manual may have already paid off if you were unaware of the extent that
the often unconscious Primary Fantasy plays in the sexual selection process. This insight can
save you a lot of money, grief, and frustration if you can avoid an expensive and devastating
breakup/divorce by becoming more understanding of your spouse or by separating amicably if
mutual chemistry was the primary motivator for your partnership in the first place and is now
gone. If you are single, you can stop going on costly dates with attractive, high-maintenance
females whom you can’t afford and can’t make happy in the long run.94

GENDER: CULTURAL/LEARNED DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN (MIND)

 

Gender refers to the roles that society and culture have assigned to each sex. Gender roles are
learned during childhood and beyond, as we observe and are told how to think and behave
appropriately as men or women in our society.95 These roles vary among cultures, as they are not
hardwired, unlike the sex-based Primary Fantasies that are consistent throughout the world and
human history.96 Nevertheless, gender roles are deeply ingrained into our mind and often
unconscious. Social scientists and feminists still debate which characteristics of males and
females are created by nature (sex) or nurture (cultural background and social conditioning). The
boundaries between them are arguably fluid and certainly blurred.97 For example, we speak of
transgender if a man or woman feels themselves to be in the body of the wrong sex and acts
accordingly, such as a cross-dresser.

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Gender is usually expressed through the type of clothes we wear, customary length of hair, the
professions we choose, hours we spend at work, what and whom we play with, who proposes
and buys the diamond ring, assignment of chores around the house,98 and all other gender-
related social roles and cultural norms. It is hard to break out of one’s assigned gender roles, as
society puts much pressure on men and women to act according to their sex (for example that
men marry younger women, can’t be fulfillment-oriented, or have to be the main breadwinner), but
it is certainly possible if we make them conscious and intelligently question the status quo that
limits us in our freedom of expression (e.g., the recent trend of older women, so called cougars,
dating younger men).

Social researchers have found that across 25 nations, the most common and widely accepted
gender stereotypes for men are: adventurous, dominant, forceful, independent, strong,
aggressive, autocratic, daring, enterprising, robust, stern, active, courageous, progressive, rude,
severe, unemotional, and wise.

Women are stereotyped as sentimental, submissive, superstitious, affectionate, dreamy, sensitive,

attractive, dependent, emotional, fearful, soft-hearted, weak, sexy, curious, gentle, mild,
charming, and talkative.99

It can be quite illuminating and entertaining to learn about sex- and gender-based differences
between men and women through pop psychology books and workshops100 that go into more
depth about stereotypes, such as:

Men are from Mars, single-focused,101 compartmentalize, go the shortest route between points A
and B, don’t ask for directions, think before they feel, retreat into their cave or watch TV to deal
with problems, think hierarchically, build structures, are rational, have a hunter’s “fuck it or kill it”
instinct, pursue women for sex, want to problem-solve, and work harder to become better
providers when their partner seems unhappy.

Women are from Venus, multi-task, network, like to meander, ask for directions, feel before they
think, need to talk to deal with problems, think laterally, go with the flow, are passive and peaceful,
have healing energy, give sex, receive, follow, radiate, and are more visual.

As we will explore in Part II, gender roles are not as closely tied to the sexes as is suggested by
stereotyping, and the dynamics shift and can be transcended as men and women evolve.

POLARITIES: MASCULINE/FEMININE POTENTIALS FOR BOTH SEXES (SOUL)

 

Figure 10: The four polarities of both sexes

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While sex-based differences are biological (body) and gender roles are learned (mind), the
potentials to embody womanly (or feminine) and manly (or masculine) qualities are equal for both
sexes (soul).102 The Integral Relationship Model equates the feminine with descending and
communion, which are opposed by the masculine qualities of ascending and agency. The two
pairs of polarities can be visualized as a graph (shown below) with ascending and descending on
the vertical axis, and communion and agency on the horizontal axis. You may envision these
polarities as the positive and negative poles of a battery or magnet that are necessary for sexual
energy to flow and to keep the human psyche in a healthy balance.

Figure 11: The four polarities

Consider which qualities resonate most with you and which sound familiar from observations in
others while you read the descriptions of the four polarities below.

ASCENDING
 

Ascending103 (or self-transcendence) is the upward drive towards heaven, the absolute, union,
spirit, or Godhead, away from the fragmented details of the manifest world and its many forms.
Einstein’s famous quote aptly describes ascending: “I want to know how God created this world. I
am not interested in this or that phenomenon, in the spectrum of this or that element. I want to
know His thoughts, the rest are details.”

Ascending is also characterized as “the love that reaches up” (Eros) that brings forth new
creations by arranging fragments into larger wholes, such as notes into symphonies, ingredients
into meals, colors into paintings, words into sentences, knowledge into wisdom, individuals into
couples, or communities into societies. Ascenders look at reality from a distance and see
fractions as part of the larger whole or a greater totality. They perceive the world from an extended
bird’s eye view and try to rise ever higher in consciousness to encompass everything. Ascending
energy expresses itself through wisdom, creativity, novelty, visionary concepts, emptiness, and
stillness.

Healthy ascending is characterized by a desire to improve, to go beyond, to grow, to transcend,

to create, and to think big. This is accomplished by gaining wider perspectives of the self and the
nature of things. It requires a willingness to change by letting go of old paradigms and not
sweating the small stuff.

Unhealthy ascending ignores, represses, controls, and dominates the lower, instead of embracing
and caring for it. It denies feelings, the body, sexuality, and nature.

The fear of ascenders is to get dragged down, engulfed, absorbed, and lost (Phobos).104

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DESCENDING
 

Descending105 (or self-immanence) is the downward drive towards earth, into the world of many
manifestations and the body. Descenders celebrate life and its many forms, the body, and their
sexuality. They go with the flow, are in touch with the richness of the manifest world, and
experience things from the fullness of existence by diving in deep. Descending is also
characterized as “the love that reaches down” (Agape), embracing everything—including earth
and all its inhabitants—with selfless compassion and devotion.

Descending energy expresses itself through feelings, empathy, emotions, warmth, movement,
surrender, fullness, and flow. A descender perceives the world from the inside.

Healthy descending means to be connected with and sensitive to the richness and fullness of the
world, to be down-to-earth and in touch with one’s body, feelings, emotions, and sexuality.

Unhealthy descending means to be overwhelmed, fused with, and run by the many details of life
and its manifestations, feelings, earthly desires, and needs.

The fear of descenders is to lose touch, to get lost, or to be dissociated from the fullness of life
and its forces (Thanatos).106

Figure 12: Understanding ascending, descending, agency, and communion

AGENCY
 

Agency107 (or self-preservation) is the drive towards wholeness, taking action through one’s own
will, making independent choices, and exerting power. People with a tendency towards agency
have a desire to maintain their own identity, personality, individuality, independence, and
autonomy. They focus on rights, rules, laws, and justice that protect and serve the interests of the
individual, and are defined by their own decisions, success, and free will, rather than their
environment and the opinion of others (it is better to fail at living your own life, than to succeed at
living someone else’s).

Healthy agency supports the autonomous functioning of the individual.

Unhealthy agency leads to alienation and dissociation from others.

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The fear of agentic people is to lose the freedom to make independent choices, and to become
dependent on others for their well-being.

COMMUNION
 

Communion (or self-adaptation) is the drive to connect (commune) with others, to be part of and
act in the interest of the unit or group, and to cooperate. Communion is expressed through
qualities of care, responsibility, relationship, lateral bonding, connection, communication,
empathy, intimacy, joining, and participation. Communal people feel that their well-being depends
on their ability to contribute, trust, depend on others, fit into their environment, and maintain a
mutual support system of give and take.

Healthy communion is expressed through the peaceful, responsible (response-able), considerate,

and caring connection between people.

Unhealthy communion leads to fusion, dependency, neediness, and clinging—with the loss of
one’s own will, individuality, and autonomy—which eventually leads to resentment.

The fear of communion-oriented (communal) people is to be abandoned, unsupported, and alone.

MUTUAL EXCLUSIVITY
 

A person can either be agentic or communal, or ascending or descending, but not communal and
agentic or ascending and descending at the same time—just as it is impossible to simultaneously
breathe in (descend) and out (ascend), or to be together (communion) and apart (agentic).

It can be challenging to clearly differentiate between the four polarities of ascending/agency and
descending/communion, because they may initially sound and feel the same. One way to do so is
to realize that you can ascend or descend in either an agentic or communal way (think of going up
or down in an elevator alone or in a group).

Figure 13: The elevator metaphor for mutual exclusivity

You may—for example—want to experience Godhead (ascend) and go off alone into the desert
(agency) to meditate, empty your mind, and chastise your body, or chant mantras in a group with
others (communal). Or you may want to comfort and nurture your body (descend), either by taking
a hot herbal bath and eating chocolate-covered strawberries in solitude (agency), or by joining a
group of friends for a healthy meal and intimate sharing of feelings, followed by ecstatic group
dancing (communal).

In other words, ascending or descending either appears in a communal or an agentic way. The
resulting intersection between the two lines provides you with the feminine or masculine address.

Figure 14: The mutual exclusivity of the four polarities

Our natural impulse is to equate the two feminine polarities (descending and communion) with
females and the masculine polarities (ascending and agency) with males, which is the original
meaning of the terms.108 This congruency may have been the norm (or at least expected behavior)
in the past, but it often shifts in modern and postmodern individuals, as we will explore in more
detail later. It is therefore important not to automatically link the two, as both sexes have the
potential to embody any of the four polarities in a healthy or unhealthy way. Some people are
pathologically stuck in either one of the positive or negative directions, while others have learned
to move more freely between the healthy expressions of all of them as their needs or the situation
at hand require.

BALANCING POLARITIES FOR BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

 

The goal is to balance and harmonize the healthy qualities of the feminine and masculine
polarities at all levels of our being (body, mind, heart, and soul), which can be only effectively
achieved in an intimate love relationship. It takes two people with opposite polarities to create the
feminine-masculine dynamic that is then experienced as the sexual attraction and synergy of the
couple. In this respect, opposites certainly attract and similarities repel, just as the positive and
negative poles of two magnets do.

The level of appreciation for the different qualities of each polarity defines the couple’s ability to
complement each other, and to co-create a whole that is larger than the sum of its parts. If
partners are energetically too close, little or no sexual magnetism and synergy will be
experienced; if they are further apart than they can tolerate, especially in an unhealthy way, they
will experience a disconnect, aversion, and ongoing conflict.109

By becoming aware of the four polarities, you can gain a sense of where you and your partner’s
energies are at any given moment in time, and complement and balance each other by developing
a wide range of fluidity in its healthy form in each direction.

Tantra,110 which means “to weave and expand continuously,” or the union of wisdom (ascending)
and compassion (descending), is an accumulation of Eastern spiritual practices that attempts to
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harmonize the four polarities, especially ascending and descending, heaven and earth, or Shiva
and Shakti—expressing the assumption that God manifests through both.

In the West, Tantra has become largely associated with the art of using ritual and techniques to
reach transcendental states of consciousness (or to experience God) through sexual union. No
wonder lovers often exclaim “Oh my God” during ecstatic lovemaking and orgasm. In the Eastern
traditions, tantric sex was reserved for highly realized spiritual practitioners after they had passed
through many years of rigorous nonsexual tantric training.111

A METAPHOR FOR THE POLARITIES: THE RIVER

 

A wonderful metaphor to envision the feminine and masculine polarities is to see them as a river.
The depth and span of the water represent the feminine qualities of descending and communion.
The height and distance of the banks indicate the masculine capacities for ascending and agency.
Together they co-create the river, with the feminine fullness/flow and the masculine emptiness/
structure. It is a true co-creation, as neither the banks nor the flow can be said to have come first,
nor can they exist without each other. Without the structure and direction of the banks, the
feminine is without orientation and uncontained; without the fullness and flow of the water, the
masculine is without purpose and fulfillment.

Even though males and females may equally embody the feminine fullness/flow or the masculine
structure/direction, they can’t do so at the same time, just as you can’t simultaneously inhale and
exhale, be still and moving, alone and in company, empty and full, on top and at the bottom, etc.
Yes, you can try to alternate back and forth—and many singles do so—but something will always
be lacking and so contributes to the stress and depression in modern and postmodern people.
Only through the feminine-masculine co-creation between opposites and equals can there be a
return to oneness (awakening) on all levels of our being and a balanced life.

IN SUMMARY
 

Males and females are characterized by their sex, gender, and feminine/masculine polarities. Sex
refers to the hardwired biological makeup which leads to the different Primary Fantasies, gender
refers to learned social and cultural roles as men and women, and the feminine/masculine
polarities represent universal “mannish” and “womanish” qualities that may be embodied equally
by both sexes. Denying, confusing, or leaving out any of these three dimensions will lead to a
partial or distorted view of male-female partnerships.

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