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Authentic Relating Games Manual Mini Edition PDF
Authentic Relating Games Manual Mini Edition PDF
Relating Games
Manual
“Mini” Edition
1
Table of Contents
The Games
Resources
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What is Authentic Relating?
Authenticity is acting and speaking in alignment with our inner feelings, desires, and
needs. Authentic Relating (AR) is the practice of bringing our truth into connection with
others’, so that we can weave a more rich and truthful human experience.
The Authentic Relating Games contained in this manual are an easy and fun way to
introduce AR into daily life. They can help us experience deeper connections, boost
empathy, see the world through others’ eyes, and understand ourselves better so that we
can enjoy life more.
By the end of a game, you may feel like you've known your partner(s) for a long time. Many
people express entering a room full of strangers and leaving feeling like lifelong friends.
Every game is a unique experience, whether you are playing it for the first time or the
hundredth, because there is something new to learn about others and ourselves every time
we enter into a new connection.
From simple curiosity games, to awareness-building and group activities which can take
individuals safely out of their comfort zone, authentic relating games have the ability to
profoundly and positively impact how we interact and live.
This is a “mini-edition” of the original manual, which contains the work of five years (and
counting). It contains a brief sampling of exercises, with the intention to increase presence,
connection, self-awareness, and empathy in groups around the world. The “Games”
contained here have been extensively play-tested by communities across the world. Thank
you to everyone who submitted a game!
This “mini-edition” was edited by Megan Rose Browning and Sara Ness. The original
manual work was compiled by Sara Ness of Authentic Revolution. Any games that use
self-referential pronouns (“I”, “me”, “we”) without attribution to a community refer to Sara
and/or the Austin community.
Access the full AR Games Manual here, with over 150 games and variations!
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How to Use This Manual
Pick a Game
All Games will create connection. Pick your game based on what you want yourself or
others to experience.
Want to stimulate conversation? Try a Curiosity game like Hot Seat.
Want to bring more slowness and embodiment to a group? Try a Presence game like
Crowdsourced Meditation.
Each game can offer a unique experience depending on the setting, people, and style of the
facilitator.
If you’re leading an Authentic Relating Games night, see the Creating Authentic
Communities manual for suggestions on how to put together the flow of Games for a night.
Do it Your Way
There are a hundred ways to play every game.
You can try different timings, more playful or more serious ways of introduction, giving
different examples, different group sizes, different wording on the instructions, different
sentence stems.
You can call it a “Game” or an “Exercise” or a “Magic Connection Experience”.
You can blindfold everybody, play in a park, or spring these on your family.
Try different things and find what works for you!
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Key Words and Phrases
You’ll see many of these mentioned throughout the manual, so here is a guide to some of
the language we use in Authentic Relating.
agreements The surroundings or frame of a
Shared understandings about how we will statement, experience, or event.
interact and communicate. Usually stated
to and confirmed by all participants at the dissonance
start of an event where we may be Difference, especially between aspects of
interacting in new and/or vulnerable someone’s expression.
ways. ★ “I’m noticing dissonance between
you saying you feel joy, and your
alive furrowed eyebrows and lack of
What is most present in your awareness. smile. Can you tell me more about
★ “What’s alive for you right now?” what’s happening for you?”
authentic dropped in
Honest, forthright, real. Authenticity can Feeling present in your own experience
include lying, or withholding, or being and grounded into yourself here, now.
completely open or closed, as long as that
is what is real in that moment. edgy
Some experience that puts the person
authentic relating (AR) into a place of emotional discomfort, but
A mode of communication that involve not overwhelm.
acknowledging and revealing one’s own ★ “I’m attracted to you, and it feels
feelings, thoughts, motivations, and edgy to say that.”
perceptions
empathy
circling Relating to, understanding, and/or
A relational meditation practice used by viscerally feeling someone else’s
groups worldwide to increase empathy experience
and self-awareness within connection.
Part art form, part meditation, and part feeling
group conversation, it is a profound way Physical: A sensation. A somatic
of developing presence with yourself and experience. Emotional: An emotion.
richer relationship with those around you. Judgement: A common misuse of
language.
context
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★ Physical feeling: “My arms tingle
and there is a sharp ache behind my shared reality
forehead.” Consensus on the world we’re
★ Emotional feeling: “I’m angry.” “I’m experiencing. “I know that you know that
a little scared and mostly excited.” I know,” etc. Getting shared reality is core
★ Judgement: “I feel like you’re not to Authentic Relating practice.
telling the truth right now.” ★ “Do we have shared reality that
“clean” means all the dishes are put
getting someone's world away?”
Taking the time to understand and/or
embody someone else’s perspective on subjective
reality. Individual, focused within the self. Often
★ “Once I got her world around the refers to my personal truth and/or view
conflict, I could understand why she of reality, which may or may not be true
was so angry with me!” for others.
integral The Austin Love Juggernaut
A developmental theory about individual The Austin Authentic Relating community
and collective human evolution, often
used in association with Circling and triggered
Authentic Relating. Developed by Experiencing emotional intensity, usually
philosopher Ken Wilber as a synthesis of negative/uncomfortable emotions (anger,
psychological, philosophical, and religious pain, sadness, etc).
theories across many cultures and ★ I’m really triggered by what you just
modalities. said. It reminds me of feeling left
out of games when I was little.
owning your experience
Taking full responsibility (ownership) for twiddle / twinkle fingers
the somatic/sensory, emotional, and Silently waving fingers to show “Me too.”
logical context that is present for one’s This is American Sign Language sign for
self. Using language that indicates it is applause, here used to show agreement
understood that the locus of experience or resonance with what is going on or
is inside of the self (owner), not outside of being said.
the self.
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The Agreements
1) Respect Yourself - You are your main priority. If you have bodily or emotional needs
that are keeping you from being fully involved in the Games, please take care of those first.
You are welcome to sit out of one or all of the Games. You can change your mind at any
time. The more you take responsibility for yourself, the more freedom you and others have
to play without worrying about others’ unspoken needs!
2) Lean Into Your Edge - Authentic Relating Games are meant to take us places that we
don't often go in everyday conversation. You may experience fear, anger, joy, desire,
cuddliness, or other emotions, perhaps more strongly than you have before! These games
are an invitation to lean into the edge of discomfort that comes with true authenticity, in a
space that's kept safe for vulnerability . . . as long as you do so while still respecting
yourself. Find your own edge, and lean into new ways of sharing and being together.
3) Stay Present - Remain aware of your own sensations, emotions, and needs during the
games. Notice where your attention is. If it wanders away from yourself or your partner,
gently bring your awareness back into connection. The more conscious you are of yourself,
the more you will get out of this work.
4) Confidentiality By Request - If you feel you’ve shared something you would like to
remain private, ask for confidentiality from those you’ve shared it with. This is always an
option before, during, or after speaking. We use confidentiality by request - rather than
blanket confidentiality - because it allows us to practice asking for what we need, and
because vulnerable sharing can happen inside or outside of an explicit Games container
and it’s easier to remember a specific request than everything shared within an event.
5) Check Your Assumptions - We all have different ideas of what is "normal" in terms of
touch, sharing, and other physical or emotional intimacy. Before you reach for any
un-invited touch, ask personal questions, or make requests outside of the instructions
given in a game, please check in with your partner to see if this is something they would
like to receive. You can also check assumptions you have about how somebody seems - if
they seem distant, angry, confused, joyful, etc., checking in can help align perception with
reality, so that you can relate with a person rather than your story of who they are.
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Presence games
Crowdsourced Meditation
Any number of people
Time: 3-10 minutes
Intention: To create presence, connection, and relaxation within a group of any size.
Directions: Everybody closes their eyes. Any person can speak an experience he or she is
having in the moment, which may then draw others’ awareness to that own part of their
own experience. For example:
➢ “I feel my breath in my chest.”
➢ “I notice an ache in my head.”
➢ “I feel nervous.”
➢ “I’m thinking about what I have to do after this.”
The group can continue until whoever started the meditation feels complete, then
everyone opens their eyes. Optionally, talk about the experience afterwards to help
connect the group even more.
This game is a beautiful way to combine individual presence with group involvement.
Noticing
Played in pairs
Time: 5-30 min
Intention: To connect and create presence between people. To deepen relationship and
clear discomfort by speaking it.
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Directions: Pair up with another person - a stranger or someone you know well; anyone
will work. Choose who will go first. You will be “A” and your partner will be “B”.
A begins: “Sitting/standing here with you, I notice . . .” identifying something in their
experience of the moment. This could be a physical sensation, feeling, thought (explained
in one sentence maximum), or perception of the other person. Perceptions should be
visibly noticeable - “I notice your voice got softer,” not “I notice you’re nervous”. Any
noticing you say that could be argued with is not welcome in this game.
B responds, “Hearing that, I notice . . . [an ache in my chest, a feeling of curiosity, that I’m
thinking about how to seem cool, your smile, etc.]
Go back and forth: “Hearing that, I notice . . . Hearing that, I notice . . .” for 2-5 minutes.
Each noticing can be connected to the one before, or totally new. The point is to stay in the
moment with what you notice, whether or not it has anything to do with the other person’s
share, and stay aware of both yourself and the connection with other.
“Noticing” is the granddaddy of them all - the best way I know of to draw people into a
conversation about connection rather than content, and a perfect game for any situation,
including social events, bars, and parties.
Variations:
Feelings, “Because”: “Being with you, I feel...because…” Give a single-sentence
“headline” for the cause (or causes) behind your feeling.
Notice and Imagine: “Being with you, I notice [something directly observable
about the other], and I imagine…” Optional: Check in: “Is that true?” and let
your partner share what’s more true for him/her in the moment.
Curious Noticing: Partner A has 2-3 minutes to speak curiosities they have
about partner B. Switch. This can also be played as an exchange, with A: “I’m
curious about…” and B: “Hearing that, I’m curious about…”
Noticing Appreciation: Go back and forth saying “Being with you, I
appreciate…” and “Hearing that, I appreciate…”
Improv Game
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Curiosity Games
Curiosity
Played in pairs
Time: 25 min
Intention: To enjoy talking about ourselves freely, and learning new things about others.
Directions: Pair up, either at random or by choosing a partner about whom you are
curious. Designate an A and a B.
As have 5 minutes to ask B whatever you want, provided that you feel really, genuinely
curious to know the answer. Bs can decline to respond if you don’t feel comfortable giving
an answer to any question. Since Bs can always decline, As, feel free to ask questions you
actually want to know the answer to, even if they push your comfort zone to ask.
After 5 minutes, Bs give A a minute of feedback on how they felt about the questions. Was
anything you wish you had been asked? Is there anything that really struck you?
Then, A resumes questioning for 3 more minutes.
At the end of the time, A gives a “gift” to B of three sentence stems:
➢ “My first impression of you was. . .” (Any first impression - the first time you met,
the first time you saw them tonight.)
➢ “I felt you the most when . . .”
➢ “What I really get about you is . . .”
○ (Optional: B responds with “What I WANT you to get about me is…”).
➢ Optional: “The adventure I’d like to go on with you is…”
Switch roles and play again!
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The “Google” Game
Setup: 2-10 people
Time: 10-20 min
Intention: Spark effortless curiosity, and discover topics we’d never have thought to ask
about.
Directions: This game can be played in pairs or in a group of up to 10 people. Take turns
"Googling" each other for a few minutes each, using a search term of your choice.
"Jen, if I were to Google you and puppies, what would I find?"
Jen gives a result from her memory banks - maybe a story that feels relevant, or just her
feelings about puppies. “You’d find the puppy I had when I was 7. He was so sweet, but he
peed all over the carpet!”
Search terms can be anything you want:
➢ Emotions (happiness, loneliness, boredom, shame, etc.)
➢ Things (money, chairs, bugs)
➢ Experiences (skydiving, falling in love, failing a class, motherhood)
➢ Places (countries, rooms, common or uncommon locations)
➢ Moments in time (childhood, marriage, 17 years old)
➢ Topics (politics, science, religion)
➢ People (family, partnership, enemies)
➢ ….or anything else you can think of!
Don’t answer as if this were a real informational inquiry: “Puppies are a kind of fuzzy animal
that some people keep for fun, until they grow up and become not puppies and then you
have dogs.” The Google is a search into the answerer's personal memory and associations.
Tell each story in a few sentences. Then, the first person can keep Googling the second for
a couple more questions, or the person Googled can choose the next person to “search.”
There is no limit to how many times you can play this game, and always find out something
new. Since people are associative, we don’t know which stories we have until we’re
reminded of a term that brings the memory up. I’ve played this with friends and family I’ve
known my whole life, and been amazed at what I learned!
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Hot Seat
3-7 people
Time: 15-50 min
Intention: Get to know one person in a group through the attention of all.
Directions: Designate a chair as the “hot seat.” One person (the “focus”) is chosen or
volunteers to sit on the hot seat. He, she, or ze picks a desired level of intensity for
questions: mild, medium, or spicy. Regardless of the intensity level, the focus is welcome to
decline answering any question if they don’t feel comfortable doing so, or just aren’t
interested in that topic!
Mild questions are unlikely to bring up difficult topics or emotions. Examples might be:
➢ What brings you the most happiness?
➢ What’s your idea of a perfect day?
➢ Who in your life would you like to spend more time with?
Medium questions prompt more vulnerability or deeper thought. Examples:
➢ How do you feel in this group of people?
➢ When’s the last time you felt lonely? Why?
➢ What’s one thing you’d like to change about yourself?
Spicy questions are anything goes.
➢ Who in this group are you least comfortable with? Why?
➢ When’s the last time you had sex?
➢ How do you feel about your parents’ relationship?
➢ Do you ever abuse your power?
Anybody in the group can ask a question at any time. If the person who asked a question
feels complete with the answer, at any time, they can say “Thank you”, which is a signal for
the person on the hot seat to STOP TALKING - even mid-sentence. This ensures that the
focus doesn’t ramble, and helps keep the heat up.
Give about 4-10 minutes per person, and aim to end either when the time is up when you
feel the high note has been hit. If you want, you can end with group shares of “What I get
about you is…” and/or “I felt you the most when…” to help ground the experience. The
focus chooses who goes next!
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Empathy Games
Empathy
Played in pairs
Time: 15 min
Intention: To think things through, clear conflict, create connection, and have you feel
deeply heard and seen - within 5 minutes!
Directions: Choose someone to play with. Take a few seconds before you play to drop in
with this person: make eye contact, share a sentence or two about how you are, find a
comfortable way to sit. Decide who’s going to talk first. This will be A. A has 2 minutes to
share something that’s on his/her/zer heart. This can be an issue you’re working with, a
relationship you’re pondering, an experience you had, or anything in between.
B has 1 min to share exactly what h/s/z heard, or at least the main points that stuck with
you. Use A’s same words, and don’t add any interpretation or extra details of your own. This
can be difficult, but it’s a great skill to practice! Often the most powerful part of this game
is A simply hearing their own words reflected back.
A then reiterates, adds, or clarifies the share for 2 minutes.
For a last 2 minutes, B shares what h/s/z felt listening to the whole process, and/or what
h/s/z gets about A now (“I imagine that you [want, value, are]....” Then you can take a few
minutes to debrief what that was like, and anything you didn’t get to say.
This game is adapted directly from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication work.
The best thing about it is that it doesn’t have to be a “game” - once you get used to
reflecting, sharing emotional impact, and imagining what is true for the other person, these
can become incredibly powerful tools for communication.
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GamTruth Games
Social Stems
Setup: 3-12 people
Time: 10-30 min
Intention: Create more interesting conversations.
Directions: Pick a Sentence Stem or question to ask the group. Each person answers, if
they’re willing to do so, going clockwise in a circle. You answer your own question last. If
you don’t know each other well, say your name before answering the question. Then
another person can suggest a question or stem!
A sentence stem is a sentence to complete, for example:
➢ My relationship with my parents is…
➢ If I were any superhero, I would be...because…
➢ If I were a banana, how you would peel me today is...
Any question can generally be framed as a sentence stem, and vice versa. Stems are
sometimes easier to complete than open-ended questions.
A list of good questions is included at the end of this document. You can also consult
Sentence Stems (compiled by James Love) for a list of other possibilities. Feel free to add
your own Stems or questions to the list!
If someone doesn’t want to answer a question, let them pass, and check in with them at the
end of the round to see if they’d like to answer before you move on.
This is my favorite game to break out in groups of people, especially if I’m bored with a
conversation or want everybody to interact. I love using it at parties and family events.
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Anybody Else
Any number of people
Time: 10-20 min
Directions:
Set chairs in a circle, with one less chair than the number of people present. Everybody sits
down. The displaced person stands in the center and says something that is true for him or
her - for example, “I’m left handed,” “I feel uncomfortable about my height,” “I’m attracted
to at least one person in this room” - and then asks, “anybody else?” Anybody who has the
same experience or attribute stands up.
Look around to see who is standing with you. Then the person in the center says, “Go!” and
everybody rushes across the circle to a new chair. Try not to hurt yourself, the furniture, or
anyone else in the process. You cannot sit back in the chair from which you stood up, or in
the chair on either side of that one - no standing up and sitting right back down! Whoever
is left in the center offers the next truth.
Play for 10-20 minutes or until the energy starts to flag. We’ve played this for at least an
hour before. If the person in the center is stuck for what to say, you can ask them
questions, like “what is something unique about you?” or “what’s something you’d be scared
for us to know?”
If you don’t have chairs, you can play this standing in a circle, and use the honor system to
decide who was last to find a new place. If you are playing with the mobility impaired or
want a more intense experience, have participants stand up and/or raise a hand. Don’t
change places, just look around until you’ve witnessed everyone. Then the next person can
self-select to share.
This game originally comes from Authentic World, with variations by the Austin Love
Juggernaut. It can be very playful or very deep, depending on how you context the game
and what examples you give. Your shares set the depth for everyone else.
Variation:
“Nobody Else”: Try to share something which you think will be true for only
you: an experience or attribute that you consider rare or unique (with the
rule that you can’t share a long story particular to your life - just one fact). If
nobody stands up, the person in the middle gets to pick who goes next. This
variation often has surprising results. Try it and see what happens!
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Deepening Questions
Best
What was the best part of your day so far?
What would a perfect day be like for you?
What have you learned this week that you found interesting?
What are you passionate about?
What are you obsessed with right now?
What is most real for you these days?
What's the best thing going on in your life right now?
What’s something missing in your life right now?
What do you want more than anything?
What have been the 3 most valuable lessons of your life, and what experiences instigated
those lessons for you?
What is the biggest thing you’ve overcome?
Where & when do you get your best ideas?
What makes you feel alive?
What's something you really value and appreciate about yourself (that you wish others
appreciated more often)?
What's something about yourself that you don't normally tell people you've just met?
How would your friends describe you?
Relational
Why do you think we have met?
What are three things that you and I have in common?
What are you struggling with lately?
How do you sense I can support you most?
What’s something you really want me to know about you? Why?
What do you really want to know about me?
What’s something you’re afraid to share with me? Why?
What do you think I think about you?
The elephant in the room is...
More
Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time?
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one new quality or ability, what would it be?
What do you value most in a friendship?
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What is one of your favorite memories?
What is one of your earliest memories?
What activity in your life makes you the most nervous?
If you could do over one year of your life, which year would it be?
Do you have a morning ritual?
If social media didn’t exist, how would your life be different?
What’s your relationship to anger?
What’s your relationship to spirituality?
What’s your favorite part of your body? Why?
What are you really fucking good at?
What is the number one reason that you think people want to hang out with you?
What is one way you like to be appreciated?
What helps you feel most fully in your swagger?
What is your most urgent priority for the rest of the year?
Who is the last person that deeply disappointed you? (What happened?)
Would you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert?
Would you like to write a book? (About what?)
Tell me about a friend from your past that you wish was still in your life.
What do you think happens after we die?
If your exes all got together and decided to psychoanalyze you, what do you think they’d
say?
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Other Resources
Authentic Revolution and Authentic World
How we communicate shapes our world. Whether it’s with friends, partners, or coffeeshop
strangers, our lives are a weave of the interactions we facilitate. Authentic Revolution is
behind the heart of this manual, spreading AR by building leaders and communities.
Read more about Authentic Revolution...
Authentic World is an online community for those who feel a longing for deeper
connection. You can continue your journey every day with live, interactive video events.
Read more about Authentic World…
Authentic Relating Aftercare
This document was created to help participants integrate any Authentic Relating or
Circling event. It defines common terms, explains core values, and troubleshoots situations
like the “vulnerability hangover” and what to do if you get authentic and it isn’t received
well. This document is licensed under creative commons, meaning that you are welcome to
download it and share after any event, as long as you do so with attribution. Comments on the
doc are welcome as well!
Get your aftercare here….
Similar to AR:
Liberating Structures
Liberating Structures make it easy for leaders of all levels to create conditions for people to
work at the top of their intelligence and creativity. In this environment, people thrive and
enjoy their work. It is also the path to top performance.
Read more about Liberating Structures...
Nonviolent Communication
With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others. Through its
emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC helps us discover the
depth of our own compassion. This language reveals the awareness that all human beings
are only trying to honor universal values and needs, every minute, every day.
Read more about NVC feelings…
Read more about NVC needs…
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Acknowledgements
The Authentic Relating Games Manual is the work of six years (and counting). It contains a
multitude of exercises, with the intention to increase presence, connection,
self-awareness, and empathy in groups around the world. The “Games” contained here
have been extensively play-tested. If you have contributions or variations as you try them
out in your own community, please email sara@authrev.com.
Communities and individuals that have contributed to this
mini-manual:
Sara Ness, Sarah Brumbelow, Mark Boughton, Megan Browning, Brave Legend Pietri, James
Love (The Austin Love Juggernaut)
Jordan Myska Allen (Circling Europe)
Decker Cunov and Bryan Bayer (Authentic World)
Guy Sengstock (The Circling Institute)
Michael Porcelli (The Integral Center)
Amy Silverman (The Connection Movement NY)
Thank you all for your hard work, and your generosity in sharing
these games!
The full manual, with many more Games and contributors, is available at
https://www.authrev.com/ar_resources/
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