OBI OSITA O.

JOHN

Introduction

Being good is not just avoiding the things conventionally seen as wrong act. How about
asking what people remark or say about you? I call this noble practice “feed back!”

What are people saying about you? I have observed that people no longer care about what people
are saying about them, they just go on living their lives. They say “I don’t care about what people
say or are saying about me, people must talk whether you do good or bad.” Yes I quite agree with
this view that people must talk, after all, talking is free. However, some of them do make sense,
and these are the people whose comment about you can help you make adjustment and become the
ideal human being in any field of life you find yourself.

Amplification of feed back

It is pertinent to know what people are saying about you. Often we think that we are doing
great and fine. But unprejudiced enquiry will show you that we are not. On the other hand,
sometimes we feel we are the worst people in the world; unprejudiced enquiry will show that we
are doing fine even more than those who feel they have reached the hallmark of excellence. Jesus,
the greatest figure in the history of mankind often enquire from his apostles about what people say
that he was? From the answers the apostles gave, some of them were not correct except for Peter.
Do you know that people can misunderstand you sometimes?

A pastor in a Church was observed to be associating mainly with the rich, (the highest in
rank and file) in the church and paying little or no attention to those who are not really well to do
financially. The pastor on his part was not conscious of this practice. The people in the church
were talking about the pastor’s attitude, though behind him, due to the respect they have for their
pastor. However, as faith would have it, there came an opportunity in the church and the
worshippers were asked to sincerely comment on the running of the church, a kind of evaluation of
the church’s progress and failures so far, including activities of the pastor, the various leaders of
pious societies. The pastor felt he was doing fine and great, but to his astonishment a member of
the church stood up and said “Pastor, I want to commend your effort for piloting the affairs of the
church” but Sir, with due respect and humility I dare to say that some of us are not happy about
your one sided relationship with the rich in the church, we have observed this for a long time and
we are not pleased about the whole thing. We humbly plea that you do something about it” The
pastor was shocked at their seriousness and boldness and said “In all sincerity I am not conscious
that I am associating solely with the so called ‘rich people’ in our church, however, your
observation is noted.” After the event the pastor went home and had a deep reflection about his
past relationship, those he often visit, the kind of personalities he loves to celebrate their funerals,
those who walk into his office without having to fill form like others e.t.c. He recalled an occasion
which occurred recently, during his siesta hours. A ‘poor’ member of the church called the pastor’s
phone and pleaded that he should come to their house to pray for her sick daughter but the pastor
said, “I am not available, I am busy right now”. The woman had to call a pastor from nearby
Church to pray for her sick daughter.

However, immediately he dropped the call another rich parishioner called him over to his
house to bless her new Honda jeep. He got up and quickly went to the woman’s house having
known that a brown envelop will accompany him home and blessed the car. This confirmed what
some of the members had complained about. The pastor felt very bad and was remorseful and
confirmed that indeed, he has lately been associating majorly with the ‘rich members’ of the
Church. The pastor then apologized to them and thereafter, carried both the rich and the poor along
and the church became like a home for all and sundry. That is what feedback can do. If the Pastor
had not paid attention to what the member of the church were saying about him and carried on
with his life, he would have touched the lives of few members of the church and he would have
done little or nothing pastorally. Good human relationship is a prerequisite for successful pastoral
engagement.

A woman was observed to have excess love for titles like chief, Lolo, Ezinne, Iya rere,
Engineer, his Excellency, the sun that shines for the world, provider of the community, PhD,
professor, Doctor, J.p and so on. Somebody once remarked, “It amuses me to no end any time I
hear all these titles, I see it as pride.” This attitude began to put off many members of the
community. The woman never knew that this attitude was becoming irritating to people around
her. In fact, she felt she was doing nothing wrong since some people applaud her and even address
her with these titles, perhaps because of the material good they get from her. Those around her
never liked it but they could not summon the courage to confront her. However, they went about
talking of her excessive love for title and recognition behind her until one day she had a
misunderstanding with somebody who do not sing her praises, who then summoned the courage to
tell her. He said “who do think you are, you fanatic of titles and recognition?” she was abashed.
She went home and pondered seriously over what the man said. She recalled an incident that
occurred at a fund raising ceremony. On this occasion she was invited to the high table by the
master of ceremony (MC) she refused to come forward. The M.C seeing her at the back of the hall
called her more than four times repeatedly, but she ignored the M.C. However, somebody who
knew her very well went to the M.C. and whispered to his ear. “the reason why the guest you
called did not come forward was because you didn’t include her title when you called her.
Immediately, the MC said “it is my pleasure to invite to the high table ‘Chief Mrs. Adeyinka
Bunmi, the C.E.O of Woods Investment Worldwide. The woman immediately stood up and
walked smugly to the high table. On another occasion she was called up to address a forum,
everyone was clapping, waiting for her to come to the podium. But guess what? She refused to get
up from her seat, reason being that she was not properly introduced. Her personal assistant had to
approach the M.C and ask him to correct the error. Thereafter, she was introduced ‘correctly’ with
her title. Immediately she stood and walked straight to the podium. The people present were not
really happy about her attitude but no one called her attention. But they went home and spoke
about it. One fellow said “She is a very proud woman and such people don’t last long. Pride goes
before a fall, serious-minded people who have something to offer their people don’t bother about
titles.” After that day her attitude toward titles and recognition changed and people loved her even
more than before. You may never know how poor or good your human relationship is, until you
hear what people are saying about you. Don’t conclude yet that you are good and don’t conclude
that you are bad until you find out what people are saying about you. When you hear what they are
saying about you, you may have one or two impressions to correct if people had misunderstood
you.

You may not know the true character of somebody in the church, because everyone tends
to put up a holy show in the church but after the church service, some become something else.
Your house and your working place are the best places to find out who you are. So then take time
to find out what your colleagues in the office, your fellow students, members of your floor and
those who live with you say about you. That may serve as a turning point in your life. Those who
claim to love you will always tell you what you like to hear. Every human being wants to hear
something pleasant about himself or herself. These people prefer to cover your weaknesses and
will never talk about them; they rather pronounce your strengths so as to get one or two favours
from you. Sometimes even your so called best friend, brothers, children, wife, husband, may fall in
this category. All that glitter are not gold! The actions of these set of people have prompted some
people to say ‘people will always talk, whether you do good or you do bad.’

On the contrary, those who truly and sincerely love you will tell you both your strengths
and your weaknesses because they want the best for you. This group of people is not after cheap
popularity and material gain and what they can get from you. They are the true friends, brothers,
children, colleagues, husband, wife and comrades. They are few in number however, present in
every society. Look for them and you would be glad to hear what they have to say about you. A
friend is not a true friend unless he or she has the freedom to give you feedback occasionally.

Foes and feedback

Sometimes even the remarks that our foes make about us can help us to re-shape our lives.
Some people become our enemies because they often tell us the truth that we hate to hear or do not
support our evil desires. Herod and Herodias had John the Baptist put in prison because he told
them the truth. For them John was their enemy because he told them the painful truth that they
detested to hear. Varky C.J. confirms this when he said “feedback or corrections, remarks and
suggestions given to us by friends or even our foes can open our eyes to reality. Take notice of his
emphasizes “even our foes can open our eyes to reality. Just as it is the case that no human being
can see the top of his head or back without the aid of a mirror or a transparent material, so it is that
no human being can claim to see all his dark spots.

We need others especially those with noble character and sincere to spot out those areas for
us. This is the essence of the phrase “no man is an island” I agree with a writer who said “others
often see us more objectively than we do.” However, I will advice that proper investigation should
be carried out. It is often said that “amidst every nonsense, there is always a sense”. Take out or
delete the ‘non’ and see what you can do with the ‘sense’. The importance of feedback cannot be
over emphasized. Varkey puts it this way “it may happen that a feedback is totally false. In that
case we reject it; yet it is good before we reject feedback that we check with one or two others to
make sure that we are not fooling ourselves.”

Conclusion

If you know what people are saying about you, then you can correct the wrong impressions that
people have about you. You will really find this practice very helpful if you cultivate the right
attitude towards it. Some persons find it difficult to accept correction from some people because of
their personality. We are not all the same. As Varkey would say, “God uses faulty instrument for
his purpose. So, we should always listen to feedback non-defensively even if given the wrong
way.” He further writes that “unfortunately in such cases we tend to defend attack, explain it away
or become depressed.

The ability to manage feedback with the proper disposition shows the height of one’s
maturity. A mature person thinks before he or she talks. He has strength to receive it. When they
hear something about themselves they do not go attacking the person who spoke but they reflect
over it to see if there is a valid point in what has been said. But an immature man talks before he
thinks. Hence, he attacks the person first instead of thinking over what the person has said. You
may ask, how about those who do not have the means to correct what has been written or spoken
about them? I have already anticipated this question; I shall attempt to deal with it my next
exposition.