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moments and he was not pleased with Sheldon’s

behavior towards Urkel. He questioned his entire
career and felt he was unfit to be a representation of
the university. Sheldon Cooper was fired on the
spot! It was the first time the university made a
harsh decision without a warning first. It is safe to
say Mr.Cooper will not be working as a physicist in
the state of California for a long time.
Article By: Aubreanna Velasco

We all know what a klutz ​Family Matters​ star Steve Scooby-Doo Team Expansion?​By Shantal
Urkel can be but we never expected to see him Flores-Ynigo
single handedly ruin world renowned physicist,
It seems that someone new has
Sheldon Cooper’s career. One of the top physicists
joined the Scooby-Doo team.
in California Sheldon Cooper hired Urkel as an
Horatio Caine came out to the
assistant. Cooper heard that Urkel was struggling to
media about his new career. From
get a job because he was new in the city. Normally,
CSI Miami to the United States
Sheldon would not care about another person’s
Official Investigative Scooby Doo
well-being but he needed to make an impression on
Gang, he is taking his acting to a
the new head of the physics department. Sheldon
new level and actively seeking a
immediately offered to give Steve Urkel the job and
career in CSI. Scooby Doo has
from that moment, his entire life changed in 24
been certified as the official recently, aside from the
hours. Not only was Urkel not able to complete
show, so with Horatio joining fresh after graduating
simple tasks for Cooper, he made it a point to
with his degree in CSI he seems to be quickly picking
repeatedly say “Did I do that?” It was lunchtime
up the career. What does help with his new found
and Sheldon had met his match as far as he was
career is his experience from his own CSI Miami
concerned. He forgot all about making an
show and the seasons he spent acting in them. Just
impression and began to yell and throw things at
this past week a source told us he found a lead for the
Urkel. This was the first time anyone at the
team on a long pursued investigation on the Cartel
university heard of Cooper behaving in this way.
Tunnels (continues on page 2).
His office door was typically closed but this
particular day it was wide open for his fellow
colleagues to see. The new head of the physic’s
department walked by during one of his freak out

in the United States and we could be hearing more
information soon about a solved case. We are rooting
for you Horatio!
Swifting The Other Way? ​By: Michelle Guinto
Celesbian gossip is always fun. Rainbows, women
in suits, unicorns, and so many cats. The imagery in
Taylor Swift’s video of “ME” was next-level queer
imagination. Taylor has been leaving clues in all of
her content. This trending lady even collaborated
with Todrick Hall in making an award winning
music video, “You Need To Calm Down,”
supporting the LGBT+ community. Swift came out
swinging lyrics
against homophobes.
This magical award
winning moment was
a part of the
documentary, Miss
Americana, that
premiered on Netflix.
People are surprised
that she made this kind of music, but didn’t come
out queer! Taylor fans just can't help themselves to
speculate that their idol will come out soon because
of rumors going around that she is a “celesbian”!
Recently, she left her apartment hysterically while
holding hands with a woman after a burglar broke
in. Police investigated that the burglar had been
staying at the pop star’s humble abode while she
was going on her music tour. Although, ‘Swifties’
were worried sick for their idol, this incident
showed that Taylor has been keeping a relationship
under the radar. It seems like her #Gaylor fans don't
want to give up and expect her to reveal her
queerness to the public anytime soon. They say that
Tay’s many of her past relationships with men are
just a cover up waiting to be unfolded.
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Botched Barbie? ​Article by Gabriella Anderson
This just in “household name
and squeaky-clean image”
Barbie has finally caved under
the pressures of Hollywood.
Barbie has been looking rather
different these days. Although
she was born in the late 1950's,
she still looks just as young as
her glory days. Barbie has been
known to have many different
types of careers such as astronaut, baseball player,
basketball player, doctor, teacher, president, and scientist
to name a few. She has quite the extensive resume!
However, despite her great appearance it has been a
known fact that she continues to be rejected by many
acting roles and overlooked for many job opportunities.
Early Friday morning one of our reporters saw Barbie
leaving her “dream house” in Malibu and was spotted in
Los Angeles leaving Paul Nassif and Terry Dubrow’s,
those of whom have a famous reality TV show
“​Botched,” ​plastic surgery building. Could this be the
reason why Barbie has been looking young or maybe to
fix an unwanted previous surgery gone wrong? Perhaps
she found her way to stay relevant in Hollywood? Find
out next week for more updates.

by Francesco DiCocco
Earlier today it was discovered that a bonobo ape
had been posing as none other than (in)famous
character actor Nicolas Cage. The discovery was
made when the apes "Nic suit" had come loose at a
trendy coffee shop in central Los Angeles called
"The Unnamed Cafe" and the bare ape was left
exposed to all inside. The ape has since come
forward to speak of the ruse and more details have
emerged. As it turns out, there never was a real Nic
Cage and the ape had been posing as him since the
very beginning of "Cage's" career. The ape, now
openly going by the name of Bo, said that getting an
acting gig is hard in Hollywood as an ape, and did
what he could to make a living. He has a few roles
starring as himself in the rebooted Planet of the
Apes franchise, as the bonobo "Rocket." Bo says he
will continue his acting career, but may choose to
retire the Cage persona, as it is no longer a secret.
Two Tales, One Lawsuit ​By: Christina Alas
“Can’t handle the heat, then get out
of the kitchen.” Is what Mickey
Mouse said to reporters this
afternoon before entering the
courthouse. Of course, we have all
been following the Mouse v.
Ratatouille trial. For those who do
not know, this case has been going
on ever since the fellow Disney
affiliate movie “Ratatouille”
debuted back in 2007. Mickey
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Mouse claims that his contract clearly states that he
is to be the only rodent to be created in Disney. This
has been made apparent in Mickey’s other remarks
throughout the years: “Those mice in Cinderella got
their tails handed​ ​to them. Have you ever heard of
Cinderella 2? I didn’t think so.” However, Remy
claims that there is no such
contract, and even if there
was, he is part of a different
studio—Pixar, and that rats
and mice are totally
different, so it should not
matter anyways. Here is
Remy’s comment before
going into today's trial: “Ya know, I don’t even
identify as a rat—I identify as a chef and Mickey is
crazy. He shows up in my restaurant, outside my
home, and I think I saw him follow me into a public
restroom once—can’t miss those shoes.” Mickey so
far has denied such claims. The court will announce
their decision soon and I for one can not wait to see
the results.
TRUMPing around in Miami?​By Chelsea
Shetayh
During Super bowl Sunday, we caught President
Donald Trump red handed stealing and breaking
into the concession stand during the halftime
show. Security guards from Hard Rock Stadium,
Miami Gardens, FL are looking further into the
surveillance footage breaking into the concession
stand and stealing goodies. The concession
stand’s steel door had been pried open, a police
report said. President Trump stole, a giant hot
dog, a box of starbursts, several bags of skittles,
two bags of chips and a bucket of Double Bubble
gum. He went through all this trouble for a $45
worth of snacks. Is his wife not feeding him?
Sources say he left his autograph and his famous
quote "Make America Great Again" in ketchup all

over the floor. Good way to cover your tracks.
Reporters say that this might have a big effect on
the upcoming election. Be sure to follow us for
more details on this gripping story.
Article By: Shawna Slater
Hannah Brown on to the Next?
Hannah Brown, former Bachelorette on season 15,
and newly Dancing with the Stars champion seen
with Alan Bernsten after the victory. Could they
possibly be more than just friends? Alan Bernsten
was Hannah’s Dancing with the Stars ballroom
partner. Many
admire their
friendly bond,
but something
seems different.
They say they
do not want to
ruin their
friendship, but
many have seen
the other side of
them. They were
last seen at Disneyland performing their last dance,
when one lady saw them kissing?! All this time they
were playing us! Could it be that they have a secret
relationship? Or could it be that they are not
allowed to have a relationship until after the show?
Who knows if they will ever come clean about their
connection.
By Aaron Caballero
Recently one of our most trustworthy reporters,
Joseph Mama, witnessed Sherlock Holmes coming
into contact with a strange, talking rabbit in the
woods. Joseph (AKA Joe) managed to get close
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enough to hear their conversation. The following
dialogue transpired: Rabbit: "Eh what's up Doc?"
Holmes: "I'm sorry, but you have me mistaken for
my partner Dr. Watson'' Rabbit: "Eh, it's my
catchphrase Doc, I can't control it, my writer won't
allow me to say anything else when meeting
someone" Holmes: "I see, so is this the mystery that
you've hired me to unravel?" Rabbit: "Actually Doc,
I have another incident on my hands. Lately people
have been referring to me as 'Slim Chungus' as
opposed to my name 'Bugs' and I'd like you to find
out where this nickname has come from" Sherlock:
"I understand Mr. Bugs Bunny, I'll get to the bottom
of this for you, of course I require half of my
payment first and then the rest of it may be paid
after I solve your case". Bugs Bunny: "Of course
Doc, I'm looking forward to our business together".
Joe then witnessed the mysterious rabbit pull a
carrot out of his back pocket and attempt to
aggressively shove it into Mr. Holmes' wallet.
Are Forever
Article by Adela Abdelaziz
It has been reported that the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. cast have been
reunited and attended a private reunion for just the cast
themselves. We found out that the reunion turned out to be
the night the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. the cast decided to get back
together and continue the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. series and will be
releasing the first episode in a very long time around spring
2021. At the reunion, it was also seen that Jennifer
Anniston and David Schwimmer were looking like they
were a little more than "F.R.I.E.N.D.S.". Could it be that
those two are destined in real life? Hopefully their
communication skills are better than on the show, because
one of them might think they're on a break. That's all for
today; however, check back with us next week for more
updates and information.