Chapter 1: What the Future Holds

Outside of my small California apartment the sun is illuminating the world

around me, but all I feel is gloom. Within the span of 24 hours, I went from getting

promoted to head marketer, to being out of a job. When will this nightmare

subside? No one ever expects life to be turned upside down by a world pandemic.

It’s not that I don’t have enough to support my twin girls, Graycen and Maisy, for

now. However, being a single mom with her income cut off and a nanny that can no

longer work, I definitely have my hands full.

My extensive days of work often turned into late nights stressing over tasks

at home. Shouldn’t I be grateful to receive a break? As happy as I am to be spending

quality time with my children, I have not proved to be an excellent substitute to

their normal classroom time. My lack of teaching expertise isn’t the only issue; the

girls would much rather traipse around in the yard, chasing butterflies and creating

worlds in their imagination. As the days begin to blur, I begin to question when my

life will change again. When will things be back to normal? And is that normal still

possible?

***

All I can think about is my feet. My tired sore feet. My shifts are longer and

more intense than ever. I used to love my job, and I still do. But I hate living in fear

that I may be infecting the people I care about every time I return home. As I stare

at my reflection, I barely recognize myself anymore. My eyes sag with tiredness.

Lines cut across my face as a reminder of my day. My ears are red and raw. I am

mentally and physically exhausted.

Despite these trials, I try to remember why I fell in love with nursing in the

first place. I spend my days helping those who can’t help themselves. The drive to

work each day is a reminder of this passion. Each morning, as the sun rises in the

Los Angeles sky, I remember all of my blessings- my roommate Luca who keeps me

strong even on my worst days, and our elderly neighbors, Joe and Christine, who are

full of life and laughter. Now, as I lay down in bed preparing for another strenuous

shift my thoughts weigh me down. Will this ever get easier? What untold stories

does my future hold?

***

Go, go, and go. That is my life. Most days, I don’t even have time to catch my

breath. This quarantine is the escape I’ve desperately needed from my daily life as a

social worker here in LA. I have officially devoted my time to bettering myself. After

all, what better time to do so? I started meditating as of yesterday morning, and so

far, I’ve had little luck. Every time I sit down and begin to relax, floods of ideas,

issues, and thoughts enter my mind and I feel utterly overwhelmed. Panic consumes

me. I can’t breathe. In these moments, I have to remind myself it is okay.

It is okay that I have limited progress, because this quarantine is about the

little growths. I have time. It is okay that the littlest things upset me, because I can

work through them for as long as I need. I feel terrible that this virus is hurting

people, but the truth is I needed this break-mentally, physically, spiritually. This

break will lead me to a better future- a healthier future. This break was necessary,
before the real world broke me. Will I heal myself in time? Or will my life return to

chaos too soon?