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5 Habits of a Healthy Marriage

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Copyright © 2018 by Ryan Frederick

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Published by Cormens Press,

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a division of Vilicus Holdings
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First Edition

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All rights reserved in all countries. No part of this material may be

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reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form

or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or
otherwise without prior written permission of the authors, publisher
and/or copyright owners except as provided by USA copyright law.

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Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are taken from THE
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ENGLISH STANDARD VERSION. © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a ar
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division of Good News Publishers.

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Table of Contents

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first things first ria

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Before you go any further...  4

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habit 1

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Have Meaningful Conversations  9
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habit 2
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Pray for Each Other, Out Loud, Together  15

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habit 3
Plan for Intimacy & Dating  21

habit 4
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Live Beneath Your Means  27
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habit 5
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Serve Together  32
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onward
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Where do we go from here?  35

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first things first

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Before you go any further...

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Everyone who picks up this book (including

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myself) shares one desire: we all want a

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better marriage. And why wouldn’t we?

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Loving and being loved are incredible

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experiences. We’re wired to share and

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express affection, couples flourish within the n

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covenant promise their marriage embodies,

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and countless joys are to be had from a

devoted life shared between husband and
wife.

Marriage is awesome, yes. Yet we find

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ourselves here; I write and you read.
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Apparently there’s still a need for marital

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material. (Thankfully!) The reason marriage

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literature will never be obsolete is clear: we

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are all imperfect people trying to figure out

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how to love each other well.

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This book exists for two purposes. First, to

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spark revelation in your heart and mind that

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will mark the beginning of something fresh.

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Second, I hope to help start conversations
in your marriage that will bring you closer to

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each other and closer to Christ.

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With that said, this book doesn’t address

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what I believe is the biggest contributor in
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a joy-filled marriage: a deep, shared belief

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in the gospel. I say this because without
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something changing in our beliefs, all of the

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habits and behavioral changes we make

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won’t stick. For behavior to change for a

sustained time, something has to change
with how we see the world and our place in
it. And gaining that perspective must start

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with something—someone—much bigger
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than ourselves. It must start with Jesus.
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If you follow Jesus and are further along

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in your faith, you’re probably thinking, “Of

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course!” If you’re new to your faith in Christ

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or a non-believer, you may be more skeptical,

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and in which case, you and I would have to

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have a separate conversation first.

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A little while ago a gentleman asked me,
“If you could sit down and have coffee with

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every couple who reads your blog, what

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would you say to them?” ria

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At the time I didn’t know my answer. Since
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then, I’ve figured out it out: this is the first

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thing I’d share with you if we could have

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coffee together. If you’re new to your faith

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or don’t know much about Jesus, please take

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ten minutes and read that article before going

further. I want to make sure we get started
off on the right foot, because this book would
be the second conversation we’d have with
you. Without that crucial first talk, this book
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may do more harm than good.
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This book is intentionally practical. Before

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writing it I asked Selena this question: What

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are the biggest habits we’ve formed—

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either by design or by default—that have

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contributed to the health of our marriage?

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Her answers and our ensuing conversations

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resulted in this resource.

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This book is not all-encompassing or

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exhaustive, but I do think you’ll find it helpful.

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The initial version of this resource received

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over 50,000 likes, comments, and shares all

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around the world! So, we reworked, updated,
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and redesigned everything for your reading

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pleasure. Consider it a belated (or early?)
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wedding gift from the Fredericks to you!

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That’s it, let’s do this. I hope it blesses your

marriage. Selena and I are praying for you
and contending for your union. Thank you for
trusting us to speak into your most important
human relationship.
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habit 1

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Have Meaningful Conversations

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It’s one thing for us to say “communicate

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daily” as marital advice (thanks, Captain

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Obvious!), but I’d like to take that

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recommendation one important step

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further. You and your husband/wife must

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communicate daily about important, n

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meaningful things.
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Small talk is fine. Playful joking is fun! And

scheduling/task-related conversations are
crucial. However, if you never intentionally
build emotional and spiritual intimacy through

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deeper conversations, you risk creating
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a shallow communication culture in your

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household.
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Communicating about deeper things builds

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honesty and vulnerability that are endearing,

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edifying, and strengthening in ways unique to

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marriage.
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Practically Speaking

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How you spark up meaningful conversations
is up to you, but Selena and I have found

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three prompts that work very well for us. The

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following conversation starters are also useful

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in breaking the ice in times when we’ve been

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arguing or feeling especially disconnected.

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Prompt 1: Share High and Lows

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This is basic but it works: simply discuss the

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best and worst parts of your day. What got

you excited? What made you feel defeated
or frustrated? How did you feel when it
happened? Why is it the best or worst part?
These questions are a great dinner-time

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conversation starter. We’ve even found that ar
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the kids enjoy participating as well.

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Prompt 2: “Daily Heart Check”

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It’s important to get a pulse on what’s

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happening in each other’s heart and what

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may be feeding (or not feeding) their mind.

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Selena and I have found these three simple

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questions helpful in spurring us into deeper

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and more meaningful conversations.

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What book is in your hand?

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There’s just something about the written

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word that brings our thoughts and feelings
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to life. This question gives each of you a

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place to share about whatever you’ve been

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reading, how it is affecting you, and why.

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Note, you don’t always have to be reading

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non-fiction Christian books. Some of our best

conversations are around other genres and
literature types (fiction, sci-fi, poetry).

What voice is in your ear?

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What are you listening to? Music, podcasts,

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sermons, mentors, friends, leaders? Proverbs

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10:17 states, “Whoever heeds instruction

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is on the path to life.” We should all have

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someone speaking fresh truth into our lives

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on a regular basis. This question often gets

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me going on a recent idea I’ve been mulling

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around after hearing it in a sermon etc. It has

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also prompted fun (but sometimes lengthy)
debates about music preferences. Either way,

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we’re talking about more than the weather!

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What is God stirring in your heart?

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Most believers feel God doing something in

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their hearts fairly often. The trouble is that

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we rarely know how to articulate it. God is

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always at work: encouraging, strengthening,

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convicting, and prompting. This question

helps start conversations about how God
could be moving us individually and as a
couple.

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We’ve found that when we ask questions

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about what we’re reading in Scripture and

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praying about, it creates opportunities for

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explicitly gospel-centered conversations.

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Take time to discuss the things of God

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together—His Word, His truth, His character.

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This will deepen your walk with Him and your

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relationship with each other.

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habit 2

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Pray for Each Other, Out
Loud, Together

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Prayer is as vital to your marriage as it is

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to your walk with Christ. Most couples

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understand prayer’s importance, but few

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know clearly how to make prayer a deeper
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part of their relationship with each other. We

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often default to praying about things that

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are “outside” of the marriage: other people,

current events, upcoming decisions and
milestones, and so on.

What I’m suggesting here is different.

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Make a habit of praying for each other, out

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loud, face-to-face, and holding hands. Pray

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for your spouse’s health, concerns, peace,

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wisdom, safety, direction, and much more. It

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sounds intuitive, but you’d be surprised how

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few couples actively pray for each other out

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loud.
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I’m urging you to make it a habit. God

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is faithful to show up and soften hearts

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when we gather in His name and pray in
agreement.

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Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three

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are gathered in my name, there am I among

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them.” The very God of the universe is among
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you! Hold fast to that truth and never forget

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the power of praying together.
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Practically Praying
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If you’re intimidated or unsure about how to

begin praying with your spouse, consider
these thoughts:

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1. Hold hands
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Holding hands is a physical way to express

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unity and closeness. Grab your spouse’s

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hand to show him/her that you’re actively

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partnering with them.

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2. Silence is totally fine

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Sometimes you don’t know what to say,

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Talking to God involves Him talking to you as
well, which means you should listen.

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3. Write down prayer requests

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Your heavenly Father wants to hear your

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concerns and requests—He delights in them.

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Write them down and bring it ALL to Him.
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He’s big enough! Writing them down also

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provides structure in case you’re likely to

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forget (like me).

4. Pray for each other

No one knows your spouse as well as you.

Intercede on each other’s behalf—for health,
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strength, wisdom, courage, or anything you
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know they need and only God can provide.

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5. Pray for your marriage

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Don’t forget that you can contend for the

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health of your covenant! Ask God to keep

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you healthy and strong, ask for guidance, and

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anything else on your heart.

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Selena and I have learned to consistently

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ask God for unity and clarity of vision. The

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last thing we want is to be divided and we

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believe that God wouldn’t want that either. If

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we are divided, we ask for wisdom on how
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to reconcile our thinking with Him and each

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other.
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6. Pray for your community

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Prayer isn’t all about us. It’s about interceding

for others and hearing from God. Pray for
your community and friends as you feel
lead. Then listen as God challenges you on

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what to do to be His hands and feet in those
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situations.
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More Resources

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If you’re looking for more resources about
how prayer can be practiced in marriage, here

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are a few additional articles we’ve written:

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• How do I pray with my spouse (part 1)
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• How do I pray with my spouse (part 2)

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• 5 ways to pray intentionally FOR your
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spouse n
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• 10 ways to pray for your husband

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habit 3

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Plan for Intimacy & Dating

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Life gets busy, I get it. But when it boils down

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to it, nothing illustrates your priorities better

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than your schedule. Would you say your

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spouse is a top priority in your life? Assuming

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you’d say yes, does your calendar reflect the

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same? n
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If your calendar is full of too much work or too

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many distractions, it’s time to reevaluate your

schedule.

If your schedule is too rigid and the demands

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can’t be alleviated but your marriage is
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suffering as a result, then it might be time
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to make a lifestyle adjustment. That’s a

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conversation you need to have with God.

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Make sure your spouse is truly a priority

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by making time for them on your calendar

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and room for them in your day. This means

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intentionally creating enough margin in

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your life so you can have extra time, energy,

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and resources to invest in your marriage.
Sometimes the investment means spending

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a romantic night in, other times it means

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buying a resource (like this one) and spending
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time going through it together for your mutual
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growth.
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Nothing has changed about your desire for
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connection between when you first met

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and now that you’re married. You still need

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to date each other! You need dedicated,

high-awareness time together when you’re
giving each other your best and engaging in
meaningful communication, connection, and

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intimacy.
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Make time for the relationship that matters

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most. Doing so regularly is a vital ingredient

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in every healthy marriage.

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Practical Passion
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The following guidelines have greatly helped

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Selena and me make time for each other in

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even the busiest seasons:

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Set aside daily time for each other

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We spend every morning together, but it

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wasn’t always that way. We’ve had to figure

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out a rhythm that works for us.

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I usually wake up first, start my devotions, n

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and Selena comes out about when I’m

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finishing up. We’ll have coffee together, sit,

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and talk. I usually share what I read and we

discuss what we’re doing that day.

It’s become a wonderful time that we can

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both count on to connect quickly before the
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day gets too hectic.
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Mornings may not work well for you, but I

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encourage you to find a time does.

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Schedule sex
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Agree on the frequency of sex needed to

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keep you healthy and maintain consistent

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emotional connection. Selena and I have
learned that for us to be healthy, we need to

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be physically intimate about once every three

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days.
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Only you can discover what is healthy for
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you. If you don’t know, start by having an

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honest conversation. Then commit to a
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schedule for your intimacy that will take the

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guesswork out of sex.

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Schedule regular date nights

Our favorite part of the week is our weekly

date lunch. With two young kids at home,

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evenings are tough and bedtimes non-
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negotiable. We went a very long time without

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regular date nights and it definitely affected

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our ability to communicate well and connect

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intimately. So, we’ve since hired a babysitter

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to take the kids every Thursday afternoon so

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Selena can get away to meet me for lunch!

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It’s been a game changer for us.

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I highly recommend that you and your spouse
figure out a date schedule that works for

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you. Make the time, you won’t regret it. I

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recommend you make room for at least twice

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a month.

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habit 4

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Live Beneath Your Means

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Finances are one of the biggest problem

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areas for most marriages. This isn’t because

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money itself is problematic, but rather

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because of how it’s managed.

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Overspending is a huge problem in our te

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culture, and consumer debt is out of control.

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We must be good stewards of our finances

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and seek to live according to God’s principles,

or we risk causing disorder and chaos in this
area of our lives and marriages.

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Create habits of living beneath your means
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by discussing what your budget is and how
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purchasing decisions will be made.

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Practical Stewardship
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It can be hard making sense of dollars

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and cents. (Sorry for the terrible pun.) The

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difficulty is amplified when money is already

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a contentious topic in your household.

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Here are a few practical starting points we’ve

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found helpful in our own marriage.

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1. Seek Unity

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Seek agreement on what’s most important
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so you can filter out unwise purchases. Talk
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about what wise spending looks like for you n

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and put a plan in place that you can both

on

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agree to.
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2. Avoid Unnecessary Debt

Credit card spending can cause trouble, so

if you use them, make sure you can zero
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out your balance each month. If you know ria
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overspending is a problem, it’s wise to cut up

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the credit cards (we went through a season

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where this is exactly what we did).

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Carefully commit to new debts with great

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reluctance and only as needed. If that car

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payment is going to be a stretch, find a car

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you can buy with cash or wait until you can.

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That sweet set of wheels is never worth it if it
causes problems in your marriage.

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3. Reduce Expenses Wherever Possible

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If you’re perpetually short on money and

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you’re living from paycheck to paycheck,

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something has to give. The math will never
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work out: if your incoming money is small

on
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than outgoing cash, something must change.

on

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Have an honest conversation, consider

what you can trim out of your budget (an
expensive car? Cable package?) and take the
necessary steps to do so.

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4. Always Tithe
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Tithing is more about your heart than your

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money. When you tithe, you’re saying that

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you trust God more than you trust money,

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your job, or your ability to earn income.

©

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God loves you and He loves to care for his

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kids. Tithing is tangible evidence that you

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actually believe that truth.

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5. Never forget Matthew 6:26

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“Look at the birds of the air: they neither

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sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet

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your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you

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not of more value than they?”
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I’ve found great solace in clinging to this

on

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single promise through countless financial dry

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seasons. I pray you’re able to do the same.

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5 Habits of a Healthy Marriage

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habit 5

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Serve Together

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We strongly believe that your marriage is

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one of the primary ways God will use you in

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your community for his glory. Your marriage

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is your ministry. First, you serve and honor

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each other as spouses, then together you can

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extend that ministry into your community. n

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In all instances of Christ-like love, God is

on

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glorified.

Serving together is an incredibly valuable

habit since it will consistently remind you that
your core purpose is to bring God glory and

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that you can do that together.
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Practical Service
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The possibilities for serving your community

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are vast, and you’ll have to discern where you

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feel most called. Here are some suggestions

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to get you thinking:

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Serve in your local church

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You both might not serve on the same team

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within your church, but you can serve at

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the same time. By serving together you’re

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M
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helping to tangibly fulfill the great commission

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while helping your local community through
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your body of believers.
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Even more profoundly, serving in God’s

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Kingdom together transforms you from

on
nt

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“husband and wife” into partners in the

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gospel and co-laborers with Christ (1

Corinthians 3:9).

Serve your community

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Serve the poor, orphans, and widows in your
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community. Homeless shelters, assisted
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living homes, and other organizations are all

Fi
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20

in need of consistent, engaged, help. Show

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love to the culturally disenfranchised, and do

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so in times when no one else is doing it (ex.

20

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not around the holidays).

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Open your home to other couples

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on
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Consider inviting couples over who are going

A
through a tough season in their marriage.

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Prepare a meal, lead a conversation, and just

ria
ar
ge

M
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be friends to them in their time of need.

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You never know how God will use you to help
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younger couples by sharing wisdom you’ve

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learned from trials of your own.

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onward

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Where do we go from here?

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While this little book isn’t exhaustive by any

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means, I do believe these five habits will help

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keep your marriage healthy. The main idea is

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Whatever we neglect will surely die or be

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overcome with chaos. Whatever we nurture,

by God’s grace, will grow and flourish—your
marriage included.

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No marriage can survive and thrive on its
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own. This includes yours! Everyone needs
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consistent gospel-centered help if their

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marriage is going to become all it was

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designed to be.
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We’ve found that help typically arrives

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via two clear avenues: gospel-centered

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community and gospel-rich resources. With

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that in mind, I’d like to suggest two tangible

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routes forward.

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1. Find Gospel-Centered Community

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If you don’t have a healthy community of

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believers with whom you can grow and
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share life with, find one. We recommend

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connecting with a gospel-centered, Bible

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believing church that is actively serving your

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community.
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Use this link to find a gospel-centered

church in your area.

The internet is an amazing tool. It has created

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new ways for us to connect with likeminded
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people all over the world! For example, the

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Fierce Marriage community (Blog, Facebook,

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Instagram, Twitter) continues to thrive

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and grow as people from everywhere rally

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around gospel-centered marriage principles.

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Make sure to connect with the communities

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available to you there. Thousands upon

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thousands of men and women are active and

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willing to speak life and encouragement into
your situation.

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In an effort to facilitate deeper conversations,

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Selena and I created closed Facebook groups

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tailored to husbands and wives. You can find
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those here:

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• Facebook.com/Groups/FierceHusbands
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• Facebook.com/Groups/FierceWives
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2. Invest in Gospel-Rich Resources

There are countless marriage books available.

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Unfortunately, very few of them adequately
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address the core issues most couples face.
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And, even if they do talk about underlying

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causes of marital problems, even fewer point

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you to the true source of transformation:

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Jesus.
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Five years ago, Selena and started writing

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about marriage with one goal in mind: to

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point couples to Christ. To that end, we’ve

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created a special devotional study for couples
called The 31-Day Pursuit Challenge.

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The challenge includes two books: Husband

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in Pursuit, and Wife in Pursuit, and both are

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aimed at illustrating exactly how the radical
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pursuit of Christ changes how we love our

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spouses.
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Are you up for a challenge?

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Every marriage begins with purpose, passion,

and intentional pursuit, but few marriages
stay that way. The 31 Day Pursuit Challenge
aims to help change that.

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Over the course of 31 days, your marriage

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will be transformed as you dig into God’s

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Word, rediscover how Christ has pursued

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you, and take real action to intentionally each

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other.
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In the 31-Day Pursuit Challenge, you will: ria
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• Gain a deeper understanding of your

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identity in Christ
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• Complete 31 "Pursuit Challenges" that

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turn gospel truths into real, tangible

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action
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• Have honest conversations, initiate

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intimacy, plan memorable dates, devise

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elaborate escapes, and explore small
ways to show genuine affection

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• Apply the gospel to how and why you

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pursue each other

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The 31 Day Pursuit Challenge Bundle offers

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a gospel-centered, practical path toward
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loving your spouse well. Will you take the

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challenge?
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And, as a bonus, we've crafted a custom list

of 50 fun, creative, and unconventional
date ideas (each with a twist) to help you in
your pursuit. You can use them during and

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after your pursuit, just in case you need a ar
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boost of inspiration.
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If you’re looking to go deeper with your

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spouse, it may be time to go through a

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couple’s study?
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Use this link to get 10% OFF

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Thanks for reading!

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Thank you so much for downloading this

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book. I hope it has helped you and that your

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marriage will continue to flourish for years to
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come.

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Stay fierce!
©

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Ryan (and Selena) Frederick

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Co-Founders, Fierce Marriage

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Visit FierceMarriage.com for more marriage

resources!

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“Therefore a man shall leave his

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father and mother and hold fast to
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his wife, and the two shall become

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one flesh.” te
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This mystery is profound, and I

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am saying that it refers to Christ

and the church.

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Ephesians 5:31–32
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All content copyright © 2018 Fierce Marriage
Do not print, distribute, or duplicate. Not intended for retail sale.