7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Intro:

Most common problem: lack of a clear thesis

statement.

Excellent thesis statement should mention overall topic

of essay: pollution

Type/s of pollution discussed

Topics of supporting paragraphs.

Lack of a good thesis statement pulls down your score

in overall development (awareness of audience and
purpose) and organization (thought patterns are
difficult to follow).
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Exemplar:

Imagine having to move away from your home with only

your memories or belongings because of the toxins in the
air surrounding your home. Some families must live by
and breathe this toxic air pollution everyday. Air pollution
causes horrible problems with disastrous results, but
together we could minimize or even eradicate the
pollution harming us and our environment everyday.

This thesis statement tells the reader how the paper will
be organized:
* causes of air pollution
* effects of air pollution
* solutions to air pollution
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Body paragraphs:

Overall, these were quite good. Some students need to

work on topic sentence. Be sure the first sentence of your
paragraph tells the topic of that paragraph.

Lack of a clear topic sentence lowers your score in

organization:

Thought patterns are difficult to follow.

Most students had effective transitions from one paragraph

to the next.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Example:

(This essay was about the causes, effects, and solutions of water
pollution. Each body paragraph focused on one particular area of
water pollution.)

(Topic)One of the many causes of harmful pollution in water is oil spills.

(Effects)One reason oil spills are harmful is that it hurts the ocean which
hurts us because we rely on the ocean so much. It also affects the
people in our community because it raises gas prices. Oil spills cause
major destruction to reefs and corals by killing them. It causes the most
harm to sea critters though because they choke on the oil and die. Oil
spills are also very hard to clean up in the water and on the beach
because it goes in all directions. In addition, they give off toxic fumes
that make all living things sick. (Solutions) One solution is called
biomediation which is a kind of bacteria that breaks down oil and eats it.
Another solution is called vacuuming where people suck up the oil and
water along with it into a tank. One solution that most people hate is
manual labor where people come down to the beach with shovels and
shovel the oil into wheel barrows. Many people used this solution for the
oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They also used special nets to catch the
oil and pull it into their boats and out to sea. But, oil spills are not the
only form of water pollution.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Most common problem: Sentence Structure

"Over-reliance on simple or repetitive construction"

There is..... There are.....

1. There are millions of factories all over the world that provide
many air toxins.

Correct by moving the subject to the beginning of the sentence.

"There" is not a noun; therefore, it can never be the subject.

1. Millions of factories all over the world provide air toxins.

2. There are many steps that we and the government must

take to stop littering and dumping of trash in our great state.

2. We and our government must take steps to stop littering

and dumping of trash in our great state.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Other than the "There is/are" problem, most students did well in
sentence structure with many complex structures.

Look at all the subordinate clauses in the example paragraph in

the next frame.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

One of the many causes of harmful pollution in water is oil spills. One
reason oil spills are harmful is that it hurts the ocean which hurts us
because we rely on the ocean so much. It also affects the people in
our community because it raises gas prices. Oil spills cause major
destruction to reefs and corals by killing them. It causes the most
harm to sea critters though because they choke on the oil and die.
Oil spills are also very hard to clean up in the water and on the
beach because it goes in all directions. In addition, they give off toxic
fumes that make all living things sick. One solution is called
biomediation which is a kind of bacteria that breaks down oil and
eats it. Another solution is called vacuuming where people suck up
the oil and water along with it into a tank. One solution that most
people hate is manual labor where people come down to the beach
with shovels and shovel the oil into wheel barrows. Many people
used this solution for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They also
used special nets to catch the oil and pull it into their boats and out to
sea. But, oil spills are not the only form of water pollution.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Word choice:

"Simplistic vocabulary with acceptable but limited word

choice."

big, bad, stuff, a lot, horrible, fix, thing

I do not want to see any of these words in your next

essay or your actual WRAP essay.

Have a "Word Bank" in your head for each of these

words.
7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Mechanics:

Most common problems were spelling and punctuation

errors.

You should never misspell a word that is actually

IN YOUR PROMPT.

Few of you consistently used a comma after an

introductory adverb phrase or clause.

That should be a no-brainer by now.

7th WRAP Tips April 07, 2011

Time management:

Do not skip or skimp on the planning of your essay.

On the first day, you should have time to complete

your plan and write your intro and first body
paragraph.

If you don't have a good hook on the first day, leave

space for it. Go home and think of a killer hook and
write it in the second day.

This file is on my web page.

"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail."

John Wooden, Legendary College Basketball Coach