From Shared Identities to Differences in Interaction

You are what you think you are. But am I what you think I am? Do you ever feel
confused about your own identity or others?
SUMMARY FROM PART 1
In our last step we talked about how every interaction is affected by identity. How
we identify others and ourselves affects our expectations and communication style.
In our own culture, we can usually manage this process fairly well, because we are
familiar with the context and the clues. But across cultures, we can often misread
others identities.
When two people communicate, they usually share some common ground, but also
some individual distinctions. We need to be aware that some cultures emphasize
commonality more while others focus on their uniqueness. Being observant,
interested and asking good questions can help us learn more about what others find
important
Getting to know other people is not always an easy process. Especially because a
person’s identity is very complex and includes public, personal and psychological
levels. Each of us needs to develop good communication skills in knowing how to
relate at each level. And some aspects of others identity may always remain hidden
to us.
IDENTITY GAPS
Not every communication counter is equal. Especially across cultures, we often
encounter great differences in status, economics, values, attitudes or other factors.
These can threaten to block our communication, or we can try to find polite ways to
bridge the gap. Many a potential obstacle was dissolved when one side showed
interest in or respect toward the other. And even unwilling communication partners
can often be won over with kindness, humor or a friendly gesture.
This happens even in our own cultures. If I enter your office for an interview, and I’m
thinking “I’m a new employee” while you’re thinking “I’m the boss,” then the gap in
our positions is foremost in my mind. This will no doubt effect the expectations,
style and outcome of our communication. I’ll be quite dependent on you to make me
feel at ease (from your power position) and will probably adopt a courteous,
formalized, conservative communicative style.

IDENTITY AND SELF-CONCEPT

If a single man meets an attractive woman and thinks, “I’m a good-looking, confident
guy,” most likely his communicative expectations or approach will be positive, maybe
even too direct. But if he thinks “I’m a reserved, average, not-so-appealing guy who
just doesn’t know how to attract women,” he’ll probably stumble around and feel
embarrassed.
Our identity (self-view and how others perceive us) has a major effect on our
communication. It influences the language and gestures we choose (Approach), the
desires or hopes we have (Expectations), the way we conduct the interaction
(Exchange) and the results (Outcome). And every communicative encounter leaves
us redefining our identity. “Hey, my boss likes me – I’m not just an unnoticed new
employee – I’ve got a future in this company.” “Ugh! I’m even worse at
communicating with women than I thought – she REALLY snubbed me!”
Subconsciously, we are involved in Identity Management constantly in our
communicative encounters. The good thing is that we can learn from our
experience.

COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY

So even though we can observe much about a person, much remains hidden from us
unless we relate. And we need to recognize that people from different cultures might
expect different kinds of interaction.
People are not only like onions, they are like icebergs – most of their substance
remains hidden from view. If we are only content to judge people by what we see,
we run the same risk as the Titanic – being surprised by what is under the surface.
Sharing more about ourselves and learning to ask others about what is important to
them in culturally appropriate ways can enable us to relate and work together better.
WHERE DO WE START?
Knowing ourselves realistically is often the first step to better communication.
Perhaps you have never thought much about your identity. Who are you? What is
important to you? I suggest you make a list of the factors or roles you most value
about yourself:
1. I’m a good student and hope to get a university degree (education)
2. I’m very proud of my Chinese heritage (national culture)
3. I’m very interested in math and want to be an accountant (major, profession)
4. I’m a fairly outgoing person, eager to be with friends (personality)
Try to come up with a list of 5 or 6 items that you think describe your more important
identities. Then think about which of those you have in common with you family,
your friends or other communication circles. When you meet someone, try to
identify if they share any of your common identities, and even more importantly, try
to note what they find most important.
That means you need to start by being a student of people. Notice the things people
of certain groups have in common. And notice where they are different. Pay
attention to the cultural patterns of peoples from different countries (there are some
excellent books now published to help you). And watch and listen carefully to what
people emphasize when they communicate – chances are that is what they find
important in their life. Those are the points you can try to identify with for more
fruitful communication.
ADJUSTING OUR EXPECTATIONS
The next step is to think about what you expect from people. It could be that all
your expectations are based only on what is important to you. That puts other people
in an unfair position, because it does not take their identity or interests into account.
Often when we become more clearly aware of who we are, we start to recognize the
legitimacy of differences in others.
And if you can start to ask, “What do they expect from me?” you are really moving
forward. Much goodwill is created when we start to think about what others need, like
or value and then try to adjust ourselves to those expectations. Sometimes
respecting our differences is the best way to build common ground!
Now that you are more aware of the impact of identity, I hope you’ll be better able to
evaluate who you are and who you are talking to. Self-awareness and other-
sensitivity will surely help you be a better communicator, whether it is in your own
culture or cross-culturally.

Recommended Citation:
Kulich, S. J. (2015). From shared identities to differences in interaction. The SISU
Intercultural Institute “Intercultural Communication” FutureLearn course reading
Retrieved from https://www.futurelearn.com/courses/intercultural-communication?

Updated from the original, published as: Kulich, S. J. (2002, May). Identity and
interaction, Part 2. English Salon, 102, 36-37.
http://www.cnki.com.cn/Article/CJFDTotal-YYSG200205025.htm