Poems

Of the
Rich
and
Famous

Preston Nyman
 Introduction

The author, pictured with his uncle(?), Jake

Gyllenhaal

Firstly, thank you for purchasing, or more likely, being gifted my book. It
really is a smart choice, and for that, allow me to offer my
congratulations. Having a collection of my poetry (self)published really is
a dream come true, and I hope the following poems bring you as much
joy to read as they bring me to write.

I’m often asked how I got into poetry, and the answer is simple. I began
writing my Celebrity Poems in the early 2016 with my collaborator,
Honey Ross, who has since betrayed my trust and fled the country.
Since my biblical betrayal, I have worked tirelessly to ensure that my
poems not only exceed my critics expectations, but also present an
accurate and insightful portrayal of what it means to be a celebrity today.

Within these pages, I’ll craft wondrous tales about the most glittering
stars of movieland. So without further ado, please enjoy
POEMS OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Lin
Lin-Manuel Miranda
Captured a panda
And struggled to teach it to rap.
The audience cried
And a part of Lin died
As they all asked for their money back.

Though his progress was steady,

That bear wasn’t ready!
Lin struggled to chew all he’d bitten.
So when Press Night comes round,
Lin’s nowhere to be found
For the scathing reviews had been written
Spats
Paul Giamatti
Put on his spats and he
Crooned all his troubles away.
But mean Malkovich
He would have none of this
And he wouldn’t let Paul’s music play.
Bobby D and Bobby D
Although they both bore sim’lar names
They’d never met each other
But looking at eachother’s face
‘We could be long lost brothers!’
‘I love your comic stylings, man!’
‘And you’re my acting hero!’
Two giants, titans, friends at last
Mr. Davro, and De Niro
Star
Twinkle Twinkle
Ringo Starr
You’re on drums
Paul’s on guitar
WetWet
Marti Pellow,
That strange little fellow,
The singer from Wet Wet Wet.
Though his albums sold many,
Marti hasn’t a penny!
For he’s just paid off his student debt.
Corden
James Corden
Struggled with boredom
Decided he’d take up some knitting.
His crafts fill him with pride
Now he sells them outside
At quaint street fairs, weather permitting.

(Sometimes it’s nice to imagine a celebrity

using street fairs to become considerably
more bearable than they appear to be.
Perhaps a poem about Tom Hiddleston
selling jars of pollen, or Tom Hardy
supervising a bouncy castle near the
entrance)
The Star Next Door
Jackie Chan
Mean man
Won’t give his co-stars a go.
A big control freak
But his movies are neat
And he knows how to put on a show
HAMMAIL
Delete that spam,
Jon Hamm!
You gotta update
your anti-virus, man!
BIBBY MOLLY
MILLY BOBBY ON YOUR TV
FROM NETFLIX TO THE BBC
SHE’S GOT SOME THINGS
THEY’RE REALLY STRANGE
A LITTLE STAR
WITH PHENOMENAL RANGE!
Muscle Men
Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson
Got a job! Go on son!
He’s starting to get so inspired.
But meanie Vin Diesel
Behaved like a weasel
And he got our man Dwayne Johnson fired.
:(
Thrift
Everyone stared
At Bon Iver
He knew he shouldn’t have
cut his own hair!
Daytime Stars
Lorraine Kelly
Filled her belly
With lots of tasty treats
Whilst Eamon Holmes
Ate chicken bones
And scraps of human meat
Wonder
Brian Cox
Cardboard box
Inside are his
Branded clocks
Patinkin
Mandy Patinkin
What were you thinking?!?!
About to go on stage
And you’ve CLEARLY been drinking!
President? Yeah, as if !
Donald Trump
Stig of the Dump
Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Bond Jamesbond
David Foster Wallace
Watched Quantum of Solace
Wasn’t super keen
If he’s totally honest
Talk to the Animals
Sigourney Weaver
Spoke to a beaver
He wasn’t crazy on Working Girl either.
Hollywood Reporter
Hilary Swank
Doesn’t make bank
When she appears in
A film that tanks
8 Shows a Week
Rory Kinnear
Slept for a year
Woke up to find
He’d been fired from King Lear
Poor Charlie
Charles Dance
Pooped his pants
Will he wipe it?
Ha, fat chance!
Works in Progress
The following poems are either
unfinished, or simply not of a high enough
quality to (self)publish in this collection
Anything for Views
Lucas Gabreel
Wrestled a seal
On ‘Keepin’ It Real
With Lucas Gabreel’

Live in Colour
These funny men
Are like no other
Hold onto your sides…
It’s the Wayans Brother(s)!

Rentals
Tiny Pliers
Barry Cryer
Which way to Viola Hire?

Dawson’s Squeak
Something in the floorboard
a’Scuttles and a’squeaks
But who could this large rodent be?
It is James Van Der Beek
Madame Theatre
She sing she dance
This is her work
She great at acting
Pauline Quirke

Space
Cake Boss
Rick Ross
Crispy rice and lollypops
Fly around the moon today?
What, me mister? Ha! No way!

Lin (1st Draft)

Lin-Manuel Miranda
Captured a panda
Slapped its back,
Taught it rap,
But crowds, they want their money back!
More Malkovich - Parts 1,2&3
PART 1

Johnny Rotten
Dot Cotton
These famous folk have been forgotten

But Malkovich is not a snitch

He’ll drop his shorts and pound a bitch

PART 2

Johnny Johnny Malkovich

Beef, Banana, Ice Sandwich
John does act
Wears a hat
He sings show tune - ‘wow, beat that!’

PART 3

Johnny Johnny Malkovich

Swinging on the balcony(ich)
John fell down
Now he frown
He sad man John Malkovich

(So what’s the situation with all the

Malkovich poems. Is it that his name is
particularly easy to rhyme? Part 2 clearly
demonstrates that this isn’t the case.)
 For more

Poems of
the Rich
and
Famous

Please follow

Twitter: @prestonnyman

INSTAGRAM: @poemsofbook

WEBSITE: www.prestonnyman.com
OR
POemsoftherichandfamous.
bigcartel.com
 About the Author
Preston Nyman is one of the UK’s most
promising young actors, having appeared
in Agatha Christie’s Crooked House, and
also an advert for Walkers Crisps. He is
regularly available for work, should you
be willing to cover his travel expenses.

If you are a celebrity who would like to

commission Preston to be your official
poet, please email me at
celebritypoet3@freeserve.co.uk
(password: celebritypoet)