Lossography and Deathography

What I Have Learned

Jesse Herriott

Grand Canyon University: PSY 631

December 05, 2019

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How We Learn About Death

What I have learned in this class is that death is a very real concept. Death is not

something that a person can simply delay until it finally happens. Death, although it can come

unexpectantly, should be supported with conscious and well-thought out conversations. Failure

to have adequate conversations about death can wreak havoc in the lives of both the person that

is dying as well as the family of the dying person. As humans, death is not an easy notion to talk

about. For many people, conversations surrounding death are whispered and discussed in private.

Nevertheless, with careful planning, it is possible to at least reduce the additional emotional,

financial, and interpersonal discomfort that can arise when conversations around death are not

managed.

Historical Perspective in African American Culture

Historically, death procedures as well as conversations around death were very different

than they are today. For example, in African American culture, during the height of the

indentured-servitude period, African American’s were not allowed to grieve over the death of

their loved-persons in the free manner in which that process occurs today. Enslaved persons,

aside from his or her individual towns and subcultures, all shared one major trauma-the fact that

they were enslaved. Therefore, both out of a shared awareness of his or pleasant enslaved plight,

as well as a need to recreate family, enslaved persons took advantage of group burials as well as

collective grieving over the death of another enslaved person. This act occurred even if the

enslaved person was not exactly a part of the same plantation of another enslaved person. The

shared trauma bonds allowed enslaved persons to move past geographic lines and enslaved

persons would have one funeral and collectively visit funeral rites of other enslaved persons,
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once per week. Speculatively, I believe this may be why funerals in the African-American

tradition are typically during the weekend, on a Sunday evening-because historically, African-

Americans were mandated to work the plantations during the week and they were only permitted

religious freedom once per week on Sunday.

Grief and Loss

Another important lesson that I learned during this course was to cherish the life of my

grandmother while she is still alive. Laurie and Neimeyer (2008) suggest different ethnic groups

grieve differently. Of course, I am aware that there are plenty of folks who love their

grandmothers. However, as an African American, I can confidently say that elders are hold a

very important role in our society and immediate families. To lose a patriarch or matriarch in

your family as an African American is devastating to the family and surrounding extended

family units. Older adults were not evolutionarily designed to outlive older adults. I am supposed

to outlive my grandmother. I understand this existential experience, intellectually. However, due

to the trauma of my childhood, I realized I unconsciously disassociated myself from my entire

family. I have not visited my grandmother in three years. I love my grandmother. However, I

realized through personal therapy and coaching that I was “cutting off my nose to spite my face.”

I love my grandmother dearly, but I was unconsciously punishing her because I was angry with

my mother.

My anger with my mother is not based on an inability to comprehend her struggles as a

human being outside of her parenthood responsibilities because I do understand parenting myself

and my siblings was tough. However, due to recent conversations with my mother, and her

malicious treatment of myself, as a result of her inability to process her own trauma have forced
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me to cut her out of my life temporarily. My mother lives in the same town as my grandmother.

So, without thinking, I cut my grandmother off and other family members I care for because I

did not want to speak with my mother. I love my mother, but I am severely angry with her. I

cannot in good conscious visit her until I’ve reached another milestone in my therapy sessions.

So I consciously decided to not go to my home state for several years, not realizing that this

would also create an even larger geographical wedge of separation between my myself and my

grandmother.

After this class, I realize not only my own mortality, but I have become very aware of my

grandmother’s mortality. I have decided to face a portion of my pain head on by driving to see

my grandmother, and consciously opting out of seeing my mother. Whereas, my past modus

operandi is to simply not go to my home state at all, cutting myself off from everyone entirely

and not thinking about the situation. The only problem with that maneuver is emotionally,

overtime, I become filled with anger-which is not healthy for myself or my wife and children.

Grandmother’s are not designed to live as long as their grandchildren-so I have decided to push

past my other issues and enjoy as much time with my grandmother while she is physically with

me.

Controversial Issues Surrounding Death

After almost eight weeks of discussions surrounding my demise, my wife is still not

completely on board with cremating my body. I tried to explain to my wife that cremation may

be a more cost-efficient form of burial for me. However, my wife’s spiritual beliefs are only a

small comparison to her attachment to my physical body. My wife understands that I will exist

within her as cherished memories, and through my DNA that reflects through the faces of my
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children. In my case, my children look exactly like me, which would make my death harder on

my wife because she would have to see my face every time she gazes upon my daughter and my

son.

Finding Meaning Beyond Death

One of the most important discussions I have had with my wife surrounds our

soteriology, existentialism, and our eschatology. For both of us, as suggested by Byock (2004)

we cannot have a proper conversation about death any more than a person who decides to stare

into the sun. We have both come to terms with the notion that this life simply is; it is neither

good nor bad. What we have accepted is this life is what we ultimately bring into it, reflecting

back to us our beliefs, ideas and prejudices as we live, love, laugh, make friends, and ultimately

decide who our enemies are. DeSpelder and Strickland (2014) would suggest that our ideas of

death are a direct result of our cultural upbringing. Yet, both my wife and I would today be

considered as existing far left of the after-life beliefs passed down to us via our cultural

upbringing. Today, my wife and I feel that we will be reunited some how beyond traditional

notions of an after-life. My wife and I share many various odd connections, making it obviously

clear that we should have crossed paths by some sort of divine plan and we may have crossed

paths in previous existences; we also believe that as a result of the synchronicities surrounding

how we met, and the similarities we share, we would have at least been friends if not life-

partners.
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Bibliography

Byock, I., & Byock, I. (2004, July 7). The meaning and value of death. Retrieved from

https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/109662102753641278?journalCode=jpm.

DeSpelder, L. A., & Strickland, A. L. (2014). The last dance: encountering death and dying.

(10th Ed.). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.

Laurie, A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2008, October 1). African Americans in bereavement: Grief as a

function of ethnicity - Anna Laurie, Robert A. Neimeyer, 2008. Retrieved December 4,

2019, from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2190/OM.57.2.d.