What to Do About an Overtalker

Here’s what to do if you get stuck at the receiving end of a one way conversation.

By ​Nancy Wartik

Maybe the person sits near you at work. Maybe he or she is your second cousin-in-law, your
Hinge date or your seatmate on a 19-hour flight to Sydney. Most of us have met a compulsive
talker: A person who dominates discussions with nonmeaningful chatter and misses, or ignores,
cues that listeners are scanning for the exit.

It’s tempting to believe, when cornered by such a chatterer, that a chronic talker is a selfish
egotist. Yet, it is often the opposite. Research has linked overtalking to anxiety, attention deficit
disorder, being on the autism spectrum or to compulsive behavior on the lines of shopaholism
or workaholism.

Studies in the 1990s found that ​about one in 20 people overtalks​. With all the gatherings and
travel plans that are often part of the holiday season, the ​likelihood​ of encountering an
overtalker may be multiplied at this time of year. But you don’t have to just stand there and take
it. Here are some strategies to help:

Size up​ your overtalker and ​cut in​ appropriately:​ What kind of talkaholic are you
dealing with? If the person is being endlessly self-promotional, he or she may truly be a
narcissist (And they’re not that rare: ​In the United States, the lifetime rate of narcissistic
personality disorder is about 6 percent​).

Alternatively, consider that your conversation partner is ​socially awkward​. “Some socially
awkward people can talk ad nauseam about topics they’re passionate about,” says Ty Tashiro, a
psychologist in New York City and author of “​Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially
Awkward and Why That’s Awesome​.”

“They have obsessive interests and tend not to notice social cues. The other person is leaning
back, giving them all these cues but they don’t​ pick them up​. They’re like a vehicle gaining
momentum and the brakes don’t work.”
Either way, interrupt sooner than you might be comfortable with, to see if the talker yields the
floor. If not, interrupt again, says Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown
University and the ​author of several books​ about the meaning in our speech patterns.

● If you suspect the person is a narcissist, escape. ​If you don’t gain ground,
maybe you’re dealing with a narcissist and need to cut your losses. Try “Excuse me! I
see my former public speaking teacher over there!” or “I have to take a private call in
two minutes!”
● If you are dealing with social awkwardness, lend a helping hand. ​“You can
say, ‘That’s really interesting, now let me see if I can summarize what you’ve said,’” Dr.
Tashiro suggests. “You provide direct feedback and show you were actively listening.
Then shift the focus to yourself, say ‘I had a similar experience’ or ‘Here’s what I want
to talk about.’”

Don’t make assumptions:​ In general, Dr. Tannen suggests not leaping to immediate
conclusions. “Try to see what’s creating a frustrating dynamic,” Dr. Tannen says. “Everything
about how we talk is variable by culture, like how long a pause to take between turns. It could
have to do with region, ethnic background or just different ideas about how to make
conversation, not with pathology or bad intentions.”

She cites a couple, the man a New Yorker, the woman a Midwesterner, on a first date: He was
doing all the talking and she was thinking really negatively about him, Dr. Tannen recalls.
“Then he finally said, ‘Can you help me out here?’ He explained he was doing all the talking
because it was what he knew how to do. He was trying to keep the conversation going. She was
waiting for a question, to show his interest.” (The couple are now married.)

Use subtle cues: ​Sometimes, an overtalker is someone to whom you can’t give short shrift:
your boss, say or a future in-law. See if you can steer the conversation differently or build in a
pause (“Interesting. I need time to think about that.”) Or, work to get your message across with
subliminal cues.

“Respond calmly, in a yoga teacher kind of voice and pace, deep breathe, see if you can get them
to match you,” says Lynda McCroskey, a professor of communications studies at California
State University Long Beach. “Lean away from the person, avoid eye contact, don’t touch them.
As a last resort, check your watch or phone.”

If you must, set boundaries:​ If the man beside you on the cross-country bus wants to tell
you his life story, but you prefer not to hear it all, take preventive action.

“Let them know upfront, you can have some talk time but then you have to get some rest or
spend time reading,” says Dr. Tashiro. “Tell them you’ll have to shift focus. It might seem rude,
but it’s incredibly reasonable. In my experience, it’s usually well-received.”

Know when to fold ’em: ​You’re not always going to be able to stop an overtalker.
“Compulsive talking can be very ingrained,” notes Dr. McCroskey.
Longer term relationships can be harder to manage than brief encounters. Some years ago, Jay
Overbye, 55, a real estate broker in Manhattan and my husband’s cousin, began noticing
something in conversations with a new friend:

“Almost every time was a ​long-winded​ monologue,” Mr. Overbye says. “I tried politely to get in.
But as soon as I started to talk, she would interrupt.”

Eventually, Mr. Overbye proposed a signal: He would tug his ear when he wanted a turn to talk.
She agreed to try.

Shortly thereafter, “It was as if we’d never had the conversation,” Mr. Overbye recalls. “I
realized our friendship quality was not going to be what I required. It wasn’t reciprocal, it was
absolutely depleting.”

He​ let the friendship go​.

When You’re the Overtalker

What if you suspect you’re the person who can’t stop jabbering? Start by testing yourself on the
Talkaholic scale​. Dr. McCroskey, ​whose late father​, Dr. James McCroskey, a scholar in residence
in the department of communication studies at the The University of Alabama at Birmingham,
helped develop the scale, admits to her own overtalking tendencies. She says her father joked
that he ​came up with​ the scale because of her.

“I’ve worked on it for a long time,” Dr. McCroskey says. “People aren’t necessarily ignorant that
they talk too much, but may not realize how debilitating it is to others.”

If you prove to be an overtalker, consider the following tactics:

● Approach interactions mindfully: “Be aware of your own behaviors,” Dr. McCroskey
advises. “Tell yourself, you enjoy talking — other people do, too. For every sentence
you say, let the other person say one. Pay attention to turn-requesting cues like
leaning forward or saying ‘Uh huh, uh huh,’ that mean they want to talk.’”
● Replay recent conversations: Keep a log of your conversations. How much were you
talking? Was it a fair ​give and take​?
● Set goals for future conversations. Counting slowly to seven after you finish a thought
can help you see if the other person wants a word. Ask more questions. Remind
yourself that ​people who ask questions of others tend to be rated as more likable​.
With practice, you really can learn to talk less, says Dr. McCroskey, drawing on her own
experience.

“I’ve seen a great difference in terms of my own talkaholism,” she says. “I have reined it in. You
can do it. It kills me sometimes waiting for someone else to speak. But I know it’s important
other people get to share.”