2.

See You Again

3. Best Part
4. Building a Ladder
5. fever dream

My Mixtape Autobiography
(2003-present)
By Claudine Caluza

Tongue Tied
1. Tongue Tied
Take me to your best friend's house, into the ocean water with her, and she told me how she once
Roll around this roundabout, saw a Jesus cross in the clouds, and how she was freaked out
Oh yeah, yet interested at the same time. And when it became quiet we
Take me to your best friend's house would glance at each other and just laugh randomly, until our
I loved you then and I love you now gut hurt and half my body would hang off the bars that
Oh yeah separated us and the ocean.
Finally her mom pulled up, and I was dreading the idea
During summer ‘19, my friend Samantha and I were
that it meant it was time to go back home. Head heavy with
sitting along docks after spending the day at an art gallery with
disappointment, Samantha and I made our way towards the
my friend, Chan. My parents are usually strict and always set a
vehicle.
curfew in order to keep track of me. This time it was around
Before we got in, Samantha’s mom asked us, “Do you
5:00. The usual. Me, being the anxious friend afraid of her
guys want to walk around the pier?”
parents, Samantha and I spent what felt like an eternity
With no hesitation a devious smile spread across my
attempting to contact her mom, since she was my carpool.
face, and I shot a look at Samantha.
“Hey, just what if she picked up right now bro, I’m dead
Man, if only I didn’t waste time worrying.
serious there is a possibility that-” I projected confidence in my
voice, I haven't given up hope.
“Girl, this like the 12th time we’ve called her”, Samantha turns
her phone towards me, and I hear a faint “this caller is
unavailable”…
And then I gave up hope. The hope that my parents wouldn’t
lecture me after staying out longer than intended. But at this
point it didn’t matter, I was with my one of my best homie and
if this were the last time I would be allowed out I had to make
the best of it. There was no point worrying anymore, when the
punishment was set in stone, so might as well make the best of See You Again
my time. Last year in September my family threw a birthday
Something about being with Samantha makes my party for my sister in Belmont park, and I was allowed to bring
anxieties and problems melt away. I could always find a way to along one friend since we had one more space in the car.
laugh with her, talk sentimentally with her. I remember looking Without hesitation, I chose Sarah.
 When we arrived at the amusement park, I was filled
with so much serotonin. I wanted to go on every ride with her,
skate along the beach, dip our feet in the cold water, go to an
arcade, I was absolutely pumped.
All the “kids” received a wristband which allowed them
to go on any ride in the amusement park. This meant unlimited
rides on the carousel. I loved how she didn’t judge when I
wanted to do “childish” things, like kiddie rides, blowing
bubbles, and spending money in the arcade. In fact she
encouraged them.
Around this time, this was the song that we were both into, and
while we were walking along the beach and saw that no people
were around, we would hum this song while digging up crabs
in the sand.
I wonder if you look both ways
When you cross my mind, I said, I said
I'm sick of, sick of, sick of, sick of chasing
You're the one that's always running through my daydream, I
I can only see your face when I close my eyes
Best Part
I just wanna see how beautiful you are
You know that I see it
I know you're a star
Where you go I'll follow
No matter how far
If life is a movie
Oh you're the best part
Before sophomore year I woke up early, got myself all
dolled up just. I was really excited to host a beach bonfire for
all my new highschool friends. I think the beach is my
soulmate. There's just so many opportunities there and most of
my happiest memories take place there. And it's just... so
perfect. Hot sun and sand... Then cooling off your toes in the
water. And so much life is in there! Like small traveling crabs
and sand dollars.
But honestly, on that particular day my birthday wasn’t
the only reason I was hyped. It’s because I created an intricate
plan within my birthday celebration to finally express my
feelings towards someone. And I only told one or two friends
about the plan but it spread like a wildfire. Props to them
though for not spreading it to the person I was going to confess
to, but the fact that now everyone expected me to do it made
me so nervous.
Going on the paddle board with them made me feel so much
peace. It was just us and the ocean. I remember having my
back turned towards them, my feet wading in the water as the
waves dragged us further into the ocean. How much I’d give to
travel back in time and tell myself, “Hey look back! Spend
more time looking at them!”
I don’t know why my throat gets tight and my heart beats so
much when I want to say something I really want to. It made
no sense, like I could walk up to some random person and have
a conversation. Or vice versa. It's not that hard. But with you,
somebody I know, and at this moment, suddenly it's hard for
my loudmouth to speak.
However when I looked up, I saw a small crowd gathered on
the shore. Now they made it more obvious that something was
going to happen. I’m pretty sure that they pretended to not
notice, but I was thinking, “DAMN! They’re out here exposing
me!”
But I knew they supported me, which made me really
happy.
If only I was brave enough to look back and admire their
beauty.
Building a Ladder
Is it the strength of your feelings overthrowing your pain
You’ll see new heights you’ll be reaching
Is it today that you will find your new release?
And in your wake ripples your sweet fate
When I was younger, my dad would always get
deployed and my mom would always have to take care of us
for the months that he is away. At the same time, my mother
was studying so that she could get her doctoral degree so that
she could pursue a career as a doctor. So of course, she didn’t
really have time for my sister and I, and her lack of kitchen
experience had us always eating out at a nearby fast food
restaurant.
I wasn’t really bothered by it though, I thought it was
pretty normal for a family. Of course it wasn't.
I couldn't imagine the stress of having to take care of
two kids alone, while studying for a doctorate, and having your
husband away for a couple of months only for him to be sent
away again. Definitely, this would have taken a toll on her
mental health. I always felt she was stressed, but she’s the
bravest person I know for making those sacrifices so that my
sister and I could live a better life and get a better future.
Now, I am living off the effects of her hard work, she
got my sister and I into good schools.
fever dream
I want something more than
More than restless mornings
Getting by, so boring
Take your time, enjoy it
Every fleeting moment
 My cousin, Charisse, would always come and visit our suspiciously happy about it and that we are getting exercise.
house over the summer and sleep over. She was the one cousin The only thing though is that we can do this only if Cherry
that my sister and I were really close with. We did everything takes us.
together, and playing with stuffed animals and drawing with Soon, it became our tradition over the summer, to meet
crayons eventually evolved into playing video games together up, walk to Lolitas, grab a burrito and just hang out. We are
and painting. grown up now, but it’s fun to meet up together like the good
My parents work really late, so it was always nice to old days. It makes me glad I decided to take a risk in order to
have her company over. We were quite young, so we were escape boredom, because if I didn’t we wouldn’t have this
trapped in the house often since we couldn't go out. We were tradition.
bored out of our mind, we played all the video games we had
and drew until our hands had cramps.
“Hey Claudiney,” Charisse turns to me
“Yeah?” I was spinning a wii remote around my wrist,
trying to sabotage my sister’s game.
“We should walk somewhere.”
“Where?” I was intrigued, I wanted out of my house
pronto
“Lolitas”
My parents never let me walk out, not even to the park
next to my house, and that was only a 5 minute walk. But
Lolitas was a 25 minute walk. She was 13 at the time, I was 10,
and my sister was 7. I was extremely hesitant at first, but at that
age, I believed 13 was such a grown-up age, I believed her
when she said that we won’t get punished just because she is a
big girl and can walk by herself so it would be no trouble
taking us.
We ended up walking there and grabbing our burritos,
and on the way back we bumped into my mom coming back
from work. I was so scared we were caught, but she was