INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

Vocatus crawled through the door after an exhausting and frustrating day. Stuck in the same
monotonous routine for years and years. No one to come home to, no one to talk to, no one to
love, no one to call his own. It had been ages since heʼd felt any kind of satisfaction, any kind
of happiness. Numbness had taken over, it was the only feeling he had. He walked over to the
bar counter and did what he does best, escape into the throes of some finely aged whiskey.
Vocatus started pouring himself a drink and his mind began galloping.

« What am I doing? Is this what Iʼve worked for? This? Sigh. How could they just fire me!?
What does the boss think of me huh? Screaming at me for something that Iʼve poured my soul
into. Iʼm not his servant.. Or am I? In this society, employees are being treated with no
respect. Funny. Funny how low our world has fallen. Is this enough? This is just 30 ml of
whiskey. 60, 60 is what I need tonight. Perfect, this looks perfect. Ice, ice, ice, ice. 2 cubes,
um, letʼs make it 3. What about all the effort Iʼve put into this job? That counts for nothing?
The problems Iʼve solved, the money Iʼve helped them save. Does it all count for nothing? Why
would it, Iʼm just a mule arenʼt I? A mule they can whip and whip at their beck and call. Iʼll
show them, Iʼll show each and every one of them what itʼs like to mess with me. One day, one
day Iʼm gonna be so successful, these rats will come running to me. Damn, this whiskey is
smooth. What a gem of a person who brought alcohol to the attention of humankind. A
cigarette. A cigarette is just what I need with this drink. Wait, I should just chug this drink first.
Ah, thatʼs what Iʼm talking about. Iʼm still young eh. Okay whereʼs the lighter. Lighter, lighter,
lighter. WHY CANʼT I EVER FIND ANYTHING? GOSH. Nothing ever works out in my favour, itʼs
like the entire goddamn world is against me. Oh here it is, thank heavens. Oooh, nicotine.
Nicotine is what keeps me going. What a flavour, what a rush. The smoke is choking me. Hah,
just like my life. Argh, my throats burning up. I canʼt take this much pressure. Besides, itʼs not
like Iʼm valued. Why would I be anyway... I have nothing to show for myself. Iʼm just another
waste of a human, stuck in this mousetrap, barely getting by. I need another drink. Ahmmm,
this tastes sublime with the cigarette. Where did I go wrong? I was such a bright student. Iʼve
always been hard-working. Iʼve put in an extra mile of effort wherever needed. But haha, for
absolutely nothing. Iʼm still here, spiralling in the trenches of this cynical world. I shouldʼve
just been a rebel since the beginning. At least I wouldʼve had fun on the way down. The
corporate race would be fun, they said. Humph, little did they know. »

« Howʼs this cigarette over already? It just keeps burning and burning. This is so fascinating.
Is it the alcohol thatʼs getting to my head? Nah, it canʼt be. But this cigarette, wow. Itʼs almost
like my journey through life. A flame lit me up, wanting to set the world ablaze with all my
glory. Smoke siphoned through my mistakes, but helping the flame stay alive. Slowly and
painfully, I didnʼt even realise when all my efforts had turned into ash. A pile of grey and
transient ash, which would be blown away by the wind and forgotten forever. Hmm, strange
how a cigarette and I can have so much in common. I shouldʼve been a philosopher hahaha.
Who am I kidding? I donʼt have the patience for it. Anyhow, Iʼve already chosen this path,
thereʼs no turning back. Itʼs impossible... Itʼs over for me. Woah, I feel so sleepy. Or am I just
drunk? Dammit, just one last drink. I guess this calls for another smoke as well. Am I a bad
person? Am I just boring? Why does no one love me? How much longer will I walk into an
empty house? I just want someone I can share my life with... Iʼm done living for money, I just
want to be happy. I want to start a family, live a healthy and fulfilling life. Iʼd give anything to
not be lifeless anymore. Maybe Iʼm just unlovable. This drink is so tasteless, why did I even
pour myself another one when I couldʼve just gone to sleep. Itʼs my fault, I donʼt even give
time to my own self. Whoʼs gonna love me if I donʼt even love myself? Funny, funny how I can
never get anything right. Should I call a friend of mine? Maybe itʼll take my mind off things.
Who should I call? Uhmmmm. I donʼt know... I canʼt think of anyone Iʼd like to be with right
now. Rather, I canʼt think of anyone whoʼd like to be with me. This is amazing. No job, no lover,
no friends... no senses left. What am I even thinking about haha. Sigh, I can do this, Iʼll get
another job soon. Iʼm better off anyway. Another smoke and straight to bed, thatʼs what I
want. WAIT WHAT!? IʼM ALL OUT OF CIGARETTES! ARGHHHHHH FUCK! WHY DOES THIS
KEEP HAPPENING TO ME!? WHY DO I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT!? Okay, okay. Calm down
Vocatus, calm down. Itʼs not that big a deal. I guess itʼs bedtime, I probably just need a good
nightʼs sleep. »