Introduction

This essay will examine an interaction between Joey and Chandler, two of the characters in

the popular television show Friends, in which some of the hallmarks of effective

communication are present—especially in Chandler’s initial approach to the interaction—but

where conflict and anger nevertheless arise in a seemingly natural and inevitable way. The

analysis will focus mainly on the opening stages of the exchange, identifying and evaluating

key elements such as the participants’ use—and misuse—of phatic and nonverbal messages,

a structured series of feedforward metamessages, and a significant shift in the social-

psychological context of the interaction. The essay will then highlight several barriers

operating in the situation—in particular, psychological noise and polarisation—and will go

on to argue that greater attention to nonverbal messages could have significantly enhanced

the exchange. A transcript of the dialogue of the interaction is included in the Appendix.

The Interaction
Chandler approaches his housemate Joey to confess that he and Cathy, Joey’s girlfriend, have

shared a passionate kiss. Chandler feels guilty about “betraying” his best friend, and it seems

that his main motivation for talking to Joey is his desire to reaffirm the friendship by a

negative self-disclosure (DeVito, 1995, pp.141–148) which he realises is risky, but ethically

important to their continuing friendship. Their interaction begins with a short series of phatic

messages (Tubbs & Moss, 1994, p.22): they greet each other; Joey offers Chandler a drink;

and they have a brief, inconsequential discussion about whether there is really such a drink as

a “Sambuca Margarita”.

The verbal content of this exchange is mainly functioning to signal that all is well between

them, and to reassure themselves and each other that the channels of communication they

habitually share are “open for business”. However, both Chandler and Joey are giving

nonverbal intimations that are at odds with the “All’s well” message implied by their

participation in the phatic ritual. For example, Joey is toying with a cocktail and watching

television in a distracted way, his posture stiff, his face tense and troubled. Meanwhile,
Jim Beattie Interpersonal Skills—Case Study and Essay

Chandler comes into the room awkwardly and tentatively, puts his hands in his jacket pockets

but almost immediately takes them out, then briskly removes his jacket. These are good

examples of “double-bind” messages (DeVito, 1995, pp.179–181), or what Birdwhistell

(cited by Tubbs & Moss, 1994, pp.106–107) has dubbed “kinesic slips”, where the verbal and

nonverbal aspects of an interaction contradict each other. And although nonverbal behaviour

is claimed to account for between 65% and 93% of the total meaning of human

communication (Wood, 1997, p.151), there is little evidence in this interaction that Joey even

notices Chandler’s agitation, let alone takes it into account in his interpretation of Chandler’s

words. Similarly, Chandler seems to be so preoccupied with his “betrayal” of Joey that he

fails to notice Joey’s tense posture, his sullen face and his distracted, careless attitude.

The television and Joey’s fiddling with his drink are sources of potential physical noise in the

conversation Chandler wants to establish (DeVito, 1995, p.17), and so to attract Joey’s

attention more fully, he makes effective use of a series of feedforward metamessages

(DeVito, 1995, pp.15–16). First, he tells Joey he needs to talk to him about something. Joey

responds to this by turning the television off, putting his drink down, turning towards

Chandler and apparently giving him his full attention. Chandler’s nervous and hesitant body

movements, facial expression and vocal tone still embody the same message as at the outset

of the interaction, but there is still no evidence that Joey is receiving this message. Given the

elimination of the two obvious sources of noise, this suggests that there may be a further

source of noise at work—most likely the soon-to-be-disclosed fact that Cathy has just broken

up with him. This is discussed further in the following section.

The second feedforward metamessage Chandler sends is to identify the subject of his main

message: “It’s about Cathy”. While the primary effect of the first statement was to clear some

noise from the communication channel, this second statement operates as a preview of the

message to come (DeVito, 1995, p.16)—as does his next assertion: “I like her; I like her a

lot, actually”. Moreover, the semantic and temporal structure of this series of messages, when

considered together with Chandler’s nonverbal communication, takes the form of a

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disclaimer (DeVito, 1995, p.16). That is, Chandler’s apparent intention here is to ensure that

Joey will appreciate the seriousness with which Chandler views his breach of Joey’s trust,

thereby avoiding—or at least softening—the negative reaction Joey will most likely have to

Chandler’s main message. To do this, he first identifies that Cathy is the object of his

message; then pauses; then says that he likes her; pauses again; then intensifies the emotional

content of the last message (“I like her a lot, actually”)—thereby leading Joey slowly and

smoothly into the dangerous emotional territory of his main disclosure.

Throughout the sequence he displays appropriate hand gestures, engaged facial expressions

and strong eye contact, all of which reinforce his concern for Joey’s feelings in relation to the

matter he is about to reveal. But his empathy at this stage is clearly grounded in a static

evaluation of Joey’s state of mind (DeVito, 1995, p.216) rather than in the dynamic reality

that confronts him. This is a direct consequence of his conspicuous failure to respond to the

nonverbal evidence of Joey’s current feelings.

An alternative interpretation of this feedforward sequence might argue that Chandler is

simply unwilling to address his unpalatable topic directly, and that he is merely using

euphemism and circumlocution as a sophisticated form of avoidance behaviour (Tubbs &

Moss, 1994, pp.196–197). This interpretation could be fortified by noting that, later in the

interaction, Chandler momentarily goes along with Joey’s assumption that Chandler has

come to him before anything has “happened” with Cathy—an unmistakable instance of

avoidance behaviour.

Perhaps both interpretations have some merit. On the one hand, Chandler would clearly

prefer not to have to make this disclosure, so it would be unsurprising to find evidence of

avoidance behaviour in his approach to it. On the other hand, Chandler is probably aware that

to launch directly into the disclosure without first carefully preparing the ground would very

forcefully communicate a lack of empathy to Joey. And even though his eventual admission

does provoke an angry reaction from Joey, the remorseful framework within which Chandler

casts his painful message may nevertheless allow their friendship to heal more rapidly—and

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more effectively—than would otherwise have been the case. On balance, then, Chandler’s

use of feedforward here is well-intentioned and thoughtfully conceived, even if it also allows

him to delay the moment he is dreading.

In spite of this promising opening, however, Chandler is abruptly deflected from his course

by Joey’s announcement that Cathy has just broken up with him. This message causes a

sudden shift in the social–psychological context of their interaction (DeVito, 1995, p.18).

Instead of playing the role of the “repentant would-be cuckolder” Chandler is thrown into the

role of “concerned best friend”, distressed to hear that Cathy has just dropped Joey. Both his

words and body language communicate the genuineness of his empathic response: he says

that he is so sorry and asks Joey if he is okay, while moving closer to Joey and leaning

slightly towards him, the expression on his face now revealing a strong other-orientation in

place of the earlier, self-oriented apprehensiveness (DeVito, 1995, pp.117–118).

Even at this stage Chandler could have steered their exchange towards a less hostile and

unsatisfactory conclusion. For example, his question, “Are you okay?”, is not open-ended

enough (Egan, 1994, pp.125–126) to elicit much more than the primarily phatic reply: “I’m

all right”. By asking Joey a more open question about how he feels, and by paraphrasing and

reflecting his responses, Chandler might have recovered some of the ground lost by being

deflected from his main communicative goal, and Joey’s eventual response might have been

less severe.

However, Joey quickly turns the conversation back to Chandler’s feelings for Cathy and,

after almost backing away from his self-disclosure, Chandler eventually reveals that he has

kissed Cathy, and that he thinks he is in love with her. Joey becomes angry, prompting

Chandler to apologise abjectly. But Joey scarcely notices him now and, after delivering a

series of harsh comments to Chandler, leaves the room, slamming the door behind him.

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Barriers
Two sources of physical noise in the interaction—the television and Joey’s drink—have

already been noted, as well as the barrier of Chandler’s static evaluation of Joey’s emotional

state. But perhaps the most significant barrier to communication here is the psychological

noise (Wood, 1997, p.21) generated by both Chandler’s and Joey’s preoccupation with their

own concerns—Joey with his break with Cathy; Chandler with his guilt. One important

consequence of this is that neither of them makes effective use of the ample nonverbal

messages present throughout the exchange. As a result, Chandler fails to anticipate Joey’s

own revelation, and therefore proceeds on the assumption that the most important thing they

need to discuss is his own news. Similarly, Joey fails to realise just how seriously Chandler

judges his own behaviour with Cathy, and misses the opportunity to offer his best friend

appropriate emotional support in making a difficult confession.

Within the context of this psychological noise there is at least one other barrier at work as

well: Joey interprets Chandler’s behaviour in highly polarised terms (DeVito, 1995, pp.208–

210) rather than recognising it in its full complexity. This is demonstrated in his use of terms

such as “betrayal”, and comments such as: “... you’re so far past the line that you can’t even

see the line—the line is a dot to you!” He portrays Chandler as at the negative extreme of a

continuum from betrayal to loyalty, treating his behaviour as if it were the most heinous act

imaginable. This polarisation is facilitated by Chandler’s highly polarised interpretation of

his own actions, which effectively embraces the severity of Joey’s judgement: “You’re right,

I have no excuses. I was totally over the line”; and “... I feel horrible—you have to believe

me”.

Because Chandler is so willing to go along with the exaggerated terms in which Joey casts

his reaction—most likely because of the guilt he is feeling—they fail to communicate

effectively about the real issue at hand. Instead, both participants discharge some of the

emotions that are driving the psychological noise each of them is struggling with: Joey takes

out his hurt and anger at being “dumped” on Chandler, while Chandler leaps at the chance to

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show Joey just how remorseful he feels about his “despicable” behaviour. They may succeed

in communicating something to each other—about the emotions that are preoccupying them

—but this is at the expense of addressing the issue concerning trust, loyalty and friendship

that is the main focus of their interaction.

Improvements
While there were several very positive things about Chandler’s approach, a quite different,

and perhaps more valuable, interaction would have emerged if at least three key elements had

been different. First, if Chandler had temporarily set aside his strong, emotionally laden self-

orientation, this would have allowed him a greater degree of immediacy in the interaction

(DeVito, 1995, pp.113–114), which would have prevented him from embarking almost

blindly on his carefully planned confession.

Second, if he had paid careful attention to Joey’s non-verbal communication from the

moment he arrived home, he would have realised that Joey himself was upset about

something, and he could have used an appropriate open-ended question—for example, “You

look a bit stressed. How’s your day been?”—to transform the phatic ritual into a meaningful

communication opener. This almost certainly would have elicited Joey’s news about his

break-up, which would have allowed Chandler a chance to explore Joey’s reaction through

further questions, paraphrasing and empathic feedback (DeVito, 1995, pp.78–80). This might

have prompted Joey to express some of his anger and disappointment in a constructive way,

rather than simply taking it out on Chandler.

Third, if Chandler had deferred his own revelation until he was sure Joey had dealt with his

immediate hurt about breaking up—perhaps even leaving it until another time—this would

have allowed Joey to see that there were two quite separate issues: his disappointment about

losing Cathy, and Chandler’s apparent breach of trust. One risk with this, however, is that,

when Joey eventually did find out about the kiss, he might retrospectively have

misinterpreted Chandler’s supportiveness and empathy as psychological “guilt money”, and

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as a result might have had an even stronger negative reaction. The timing of Chandler’s

revelation is therefore something only he could judge, given Joey’s behaviour in the

hypothetical new scenario. But at least in the new scenario Chandler would be in a position

to choose the best time to disclose.

Conclusion
Non-verbal communication has been central to this analysis of Chandler’s interaction with

Joey. Because both participants experienced psychological noise with a high emotional

content, neither of them paid sufficient attention to the other’s body language. As a result,

Chandler mis-timed a self-disclosure which triggered a hostile response from Joey, and Joey

failed to realise the full depth of Chandler’s concern about the breach of trust in their

relationship. Chandler was probably better-placed than Joey to initiate a different interaction

because it was the timing of his disclosure that occasioned Joey’s response. If he had been

able to set aside his guilty feelings, respond to Joey’s body language with appropriate

questions, empathic listening and paraphrasing, and perhaps defer his own revelation, Joey’s

exaggerated and bitter attack on him might have been avoided, and their friendship

strengthened instead.

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References
DeVito, J.A. (1995). The interpersonal communication book (7th ed.). New York, NY:
HarperCollins.

Egan, G. (1994). The skilled helper (5th ed.). Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Tubbs, S.L., & Moss, S. (1994). Human communication (7th ed.). New York, NY:
McGraw-Hill.

Wood, J.T. (1997). Communication in our lives. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

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 Appendix
Transcript of scene from Friends
screened on Channel 9
Monday 23 March, 1998, at 7.30 pm

(Chandler enters tentatively. Joey is sipping a drink and watching television distractedly.)

C: Hey!
J: Hey! Sambuca Margarita?
C: Is that a real thing?
J: Well, we only had Sambuca, so it is now.
C: Listen, ah, Joe, I need to, ah, I need to talk to you about something.

(Joey puts his drink down, turns the television off, and turns to face Chandler squarely.)

J: What’s up?
C: It’s... it’s about Cathy. Um... ah... (pause) I like her... (pause) I like her a lot,
actually.
J: You do?
C: Yeah.
J: Well, your timing couldn’t be better. She’s not my girlfriend any more.
C: What?
J: Yeah. She broke up with me.
C: Oh, ah... when?
J: Just now. After acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kind of scene—
that’s why I let people watch.
C: Oh, man, I am so sorry. Are... are you okay?
J: I’m all right... (pause) So you like her, huh?
C: Yes, but I don’t have to.
J: Oh, no, no, it’s okay.
C: Yeah?
J: Yeah. You know why? Because you came to me first.
C: (taken off guard; voice dropping in pitch) Well, I thought that would be the best
thing to do.
J: Hey listen, say, you might have your work cut out for you, because when I talked to
her, I kinda got the feeling she’s into some other guy, so...
C: See, that’s... that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I know who the
other guy is.
J: Who?
C: It’s me. I’m the other guy.
J: What?
C: Yeah, I mean, when you were late last night, Cathy and I got to talking, and one thing
led to another, and...
J: And what? Did you sleep with her?
C: No, no, no. I just kissed her.
J: What? That’s even worse!
C: How is that worse?
J: I don’t know, but it’s the same!
C: Look, I’m sorry, but there was nothing I could do. I think I’m in love with her.
J: Who cares? You went behind my back? I would never do that to you.
C: You’re right, I have no excuses. I was totally over the line.
J: Over the line? You’re... you’re so far past the line that you can’t even see the line—
the line is a dot to you!
C: Yes, yes, right! And I feel horrible—you have to believe me.

(Joey suddenly sees the furniture Chandler has just bought for their apartment in a new

light)

J: Is that why you bought all this stuff?

C: (shrugs)
J: Well, you know what? (turning television off) I will not watch your TV. I will not
listen to your stereo. And there’s a cinnamon-raisin loaf in the new breadmaker that
I’m not going to eat. You know why?
C: Probably because...
J: Because it’s all tainted with your betrayal. From now on, this apartment is empty to
me. I’m not happy about you, either.

(breadmaker makes ringing sound)

J: Oh, and just so you know (voice breaking up), I made that bread for you. (exits,
slamming door)