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Fear and Delight Diego Pulido
Fear and Delight Diego Pulido
Fear & Delight
D. F. P. P
Started: January the 11th of 2020
Finished: January the 16th of 2020
1
Index
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .2
Preface . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Let me start where the end begins . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Delight . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
1 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
2 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12
Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21
3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21
4 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29
What life feels like: Fear & Delight . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
2
Preface
This is a story about a man, or a boy as he’d refer to himself, about
the road he took to what could’ve been death and then to his rebirth, in
some sense. I take the course of a song by The Correspondents1 (and I
chose that song’s title as this book’s) to describe the path that the
protagonist takes in living, while an important matter becomes a little
clear but only at the end: what does life really feel like? Although, I fear,
question is not clearly answered here.
Of course, it’s hard to say what life feels like to everyone, but I
hope I can capture a good part of the experience for the protagonist’s
own life, that, although fictional (or not?), says a lot more than some of
us are able to speak about or own lives.
The story begins with a vague introduction of a man, grieving for a
recent breakup that obliged him to question how he felt, to question if
he truly did and felt what he thought he did, or if he just faked all his
life instead. It then continues by addressing his love life, allowing us to
understand it from two different perspective: fear & delight. I then
organise the different stories in an effort to reconcile these
perspectives into a single narrative that will help us get a good grasp of
the protagonist’s experiences and life.
I like writing, but I'm quite insecure about it; those who know me
understand that I won't accept something bad -be it a letter, a paper, a
hug or even a kiss- coming from me, I don't like the world looking at
something about myself of which I don't approve. And thus, sending
this out has been quite hard for me, this is the first writing that I,
1
The link to the video is as follows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABS-mlep5rY
3
willingly and intentionally, have allowed to go to more than one or two
very close persons.
Something interesting is the fact that this book is written in a way
that it mimics the way I speak, the way I think, and this detail makes it
sometimes hard to understand. It becomes easy when, instead of just
reading, you listen to what these pages have to tell you - what I have to
tell you.
Why is it that I wrote this story in English, when my mother tongue
is Spanish? Why not another language? The answer is pretty simple: I
feel way more comfortable speaking in English than in Spanish, and it's
not very smart to write a book in Russian if I want my friends to
understand it. But don't you worry, I plan on translating this book and,
in the process, edit it to make it a little bit better written and organised.
Some unfity details might appear, this is the unedited version, you
should remember.
I use the same slang in this writing, as the one I use when speaking
out loud. There are some expressions that you might find tricky or
uncommon -what the hell is a 'hookup', what does 'red flag' mean?-,
but you have no reason to be afraid, these are easily found online, from
the same place that I got most of my slang in the first place: The
Internet.
With these few words said, I will now let you alone with these
stories of mine, this my first publicly-put book. I hope that you'll enjoy
it, and I'll be happy to hear any opinions about this writing of mine, be
it a praise, a rant, or even a roast.
4
Let me start where the end begins
Oh but I know you'll cause me grief,
close friends of mine are in disbelief,
as they can see what's underneath
fluttering lashes, red lips and pearly white teeth.
There he was, alone and disappointed of himself, but proud and
challenging as ever. The grief he felt from the sudden death of a long
forgotten love was more than he ever could’ve expected, but still he was
unsurprised, used to this overwhelming feeling of loneliness and
emptiness - kind of the true feeling of life, as he’d soon start to realise.
Little time had passed since he agreed to terminate his
relationship with a woman, a relationship that was probably meant to
be finished since its very beginning. They both left their love turn to
ashes, the fire started dying slowly until all that was left of it was a
consumed little rock, so forgotten that it was not even warm. But he
was lucky, for this was a good decision, he knew that it was better to
end an unfortunate love, than to keep on with a fire-less lie. He knew it,
but did he feel it?
He got hooked up to this woman short after he decided to end his
previous relationship, a long one, for him at least, that allowed him to
feel and experience so much -or to put so much into a single
relationship- that a small seed of doubt started rising: he started
questioning whether he actually felt love. As it turned out, he thought
he didn’t. And that’s what he used to force that fire to end, this time he
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didn’t let it die, he actively killed it and tried to erase it - a poor
decision as he’d find out later.
He felt away, separated from his, then, partner. Before, he felt
sometimes happy, excited and frequently aroused, but also untied and
far, as if he wasn’t really there, as if all that he felt was a masquerade. If
it was but a mask, what a good one it was, for it did break a heart so
profoundly that he’d regret it even when he didn’t know how better
that person recovered. None deserves a broken heart, but sometimes
people get up and build a better version of themselves from the ruins
that some heartless other left. and this was the case: he was the
heartless one.
After breaking that beautiful heart, he fell into a long and painful
grief, or so he tried. But tears wouldn’t drop, even though he didn’t
sleep and was convinced that he was sad. But the will to end his life
wouldn’t come, even though he was well aware of the tiny
consequences of his death, as aware as he could make himself be in
such a poor state in which he was. But sadness wouldn’t come, even
though he knew that he wasn’t happy, this conflicted him greatly, for he
thought before that he was sad, but he simply didn’t feel it; perhaps
sadness and happiness are not opposites, but little did he know at that
time. It didn’t really matter how much he tried, how much he’d think,
or how much he convinced himself that he felt, grief just seemed as
fake as the feelings that he thought to be a mask before. He’d always
end up with a straight face, feeling calm, but feeling away, maybe this
was his only true felling, he though.
Soon he began to realise that those feelings were not a mask, that
what he felt was real and that he had committed a harsh mistake. But
6
he wouldn’t go back on it, he was too proud and insecure -as
contradictory as it may sound- to ask for forgiveness. He needed it, but
he, once more, convinced himself that he was all that he needed.
He started getting hooked up to this new woman, he thought that
perhaps this time he’d really feel, that he’d finally find out what the
masquerade was. In that effort he started doubting even more, the seed
had started to grow. He started putting all that he recognised in himself
on a ‘measuring table’, trying to analyse and separate all the feelings
from the thoughts, from the beliefs, from anything else. And what a
poor trial it was, for he didn’t even know what feelings are, let alone
how to recognise, classify and analyse them.
Everything seemed to be just fine, just precise, just what he needed
-or wanted- at the time. But it didn't take long until he noticed that he
felt exactly the same way as before, well, no exactly the same way, he
wasn't really in love this time. Although he wasn't in love, how could he
know it? He certainly failed to know what he felt before, why should it
be different this time? It wasn't so different indeed, he simply felt away
and uninvolved, although not exactly as before. His so called mask
appeared to be colder, he thought he acted less than before, less happy,
less committed, les aroused. And he wasn't all wrong, he did actually
feel less, he just didn't know he felt.
More than a relationship, the latter one seemed as an academic
partnership, they were more into each other's brains and knowledge,
than they were into their feelings and desires. Not much to say here,
they simply were not meant to be in the kind of relationship they
started. It all started to die soon after it began, they enjoyed their time
together, but that was all, they enjoyed their talks and discussions, but
7
nothing was really felt -at least not by them both-, he became so
apathetic that every effort to bring a new fire to the relationship simply
was forgotten the very same day it was brought up. He eventually found
himself more involved in other activities, more involved with friends
and "harmless fun", not to say that a relationship should be the center
of someone's world, but it sure requires attention and importance over
some certain things, but that's not what was happening, he simply put it
aside as he was more into every other thing.
It all ended as it began, as an academic matter, but the breakup
was more expected than the hookup. They both knew that it wouldn't
work, that it wasn't meant to be, it was clear to them that they were not
what each other needed at the time. A meeting wasn't needed, they
could both address the matter from the distance, especially him, who
was more distant than ever, even when together.
And thus this part begins, right where his complete uncertainty of
feelings started to fade, right when he began to truly understand
himself, to understand how his life felt.
8
Delight
1
I don't show it but I quiver whenever you come near,
And I cannot decipher between the thrill and the fear
I want to stop it but I like it too much to let it stop here;
It's wrong but I want you tonight
It was not my own volition but I fell in deep
By running the distance I'd been advised to keep
I trot to the wolf as a doting sheep;
It's wrong but I want you tonight
His delight began when he was young, a sudden freedom that put
him on a fast lane towards pure pleasure and mistakes. He went to a
different city to live and study, leaving his already "free life" at home,
just to be ass free as he, in his conditions, could be. It took him just one
semester to discover that there was none to really stop him from doing
what he wanted, and that became a problem he'd find later -not too
much- in his life.
By the end of his first semester, he meet a group of people that
would soon turn important in his life, three men that were about to
graduate, but not soon enough so that this protagonist couldn't
experience as much as he could. They told him to stay in touch, to meet
with them and go out for some fun the next semester.
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He kept in touch, just as he promised, right until his second
semester came. They took him for a couple of beers near their
university, and they had their time to catch up on their lives. One of the
group, C, showed his interest in our protagonist, making it very clear to
everyone in the group of four. Our man stated that he didn't want to be
with C, almost as clearly as C stated his intentions. They talked for
about two hours and then went home, agreeing on meeting at least
once every two weeks. What fool our man was, for his companions were
much more serious about it than he thought.
They met the next week, a Thursday night, and went to a bar near
the university, a different one this time, hoping to dance and have a
good time. Soon they realised that our man was not someone who
danced too much -sir dance-a-lot, as one if the guys named him-, but
he did enjoy his time dancing, blushing and then taking his seat for
most of the evening. That first night went just fine, he didn't get too
drunk and neither did he spend much money.
The next week, Thursday to be precise, they went out again, this
time to a life-music bar, to let our protagonist have a taste of something
different. He liked it, he was way more comfortable there than he was
the week before. They had their time to speak and he learned an advice
that would soon become a personal rule for him: never date someone
from your own faculty.
A couple of beers in, and with some shots on the way, they started
proposing little games. They wanted our man to break out of his shell.
They started making small bets, if he didn't do as agreed, he'd have to
drink; he either broke his shell little by little, or got wasted, and our
man is no coward, he's too competitive to lose and drink every time.
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Some time passed and they went on the same plans, it was almost
mid-semester and he was much more "liberated" than he had been ever
before. Among those bets he made with the guys, there was one where
had to hit on a girl in a bar, she had been looking at him for some time
that night. He did, they talked for about an hour and a half, until she
had to leave. They gave each other their phone numbers and agreed to
meet a few days later. They went on a date on the saturday if the same
week, a simple and nice afternoon, they went to grab a beer and get to
know better each other. They kept dating a few days and got hooked up
before the next time he went out with the guys.
They both were young and naive, specially him, but learned to
enjoy each other as they liked. That relationship came to be the fourth
longest he ever had until the beginning of this book, a little more than
three months. It ended just as it began, unexpectedly and in an
emotional rash. Our protagonist learned something new: just fun and
love shouldn't mix. He wanted to keep on going out with the guys, and
she insisted on spending that time together, it quickly turned them
against each other. And so he went back entirely to spend time with the
guys, two weeks were more than enough for him to get over the
breakup and go on betting again.
The semester was closing and he wanted to go out to a party with
the guys before vacations, and so he did. They went to a small-talk bar,
those that simply put background music and create the atmosphere for
people to just chat and meet, not dancing or anything else. He got
attracted to a girl he met when he asked for some drinks, the guys
noticed it and they told him that he should speak with her. After a
couple drinks he did as the guys advised, the girl was nice and totally
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OK with his approach. They had a short chat, over half an hour, they
seemed really into each other. Then, to the surprise of the guys, they
kissed, a long and slow kiss -very sexy indeed- that would end up with
them saving each other’s number and dating the following week.
It was not a long thing, they both knew it was only for fun and were
OK with it. It was his first one-night-stand, an experience he’d
remember and keep in mind every time he met someone with whom
he’d like to hook up. They went out to her apartment -she lived alone in
a small flat in the city- and spent the night, that was all that happened,
just a little innocent one-night-stand. He’d later understand that it was
not as harmless as it seemed, but neither was it as dangerous as some
people think.
2
I’m the little boy who’s gonna be getting his fingers burnt,
but I can see this lesson’s gotta gotta gotta be learnt,
they say that boys have been destroyed but they weren’t;
it’s wrong but I want you tonight.
In any case my friends it’s too late,
like a moth to light, like a beast to bait
and I know the black widow eats its mate;
it’s wrong but I want you tonight.
His third semester started, and it was not long until he went out
with the guys again, just a couple of weeks. They had an idea for our
man, something they thought he might like: karaoke. They nailed it
12
with the idea, he did like it very much, perhaps too much, as you’ll see
later in this section.
He liked going to karaoke bars, he really enjoyed himself during
those nights, meeting and spending time with the guys and other new
people. Although he didn’t sing very nicely, he could do it properly
enough. He didn’t ever sing alone, it could be with someone from the
guys, or even with a complete stranger, but he’d not sing alone.
He went out to karaoke night and bars quite often, sometimes
twice or three times during the week. He started getting bad grades at
the university, but not bad enough for him to drop out, so he continued.
In one of his classes, he met a girl, they were assigned an essay
together so they had to meet. You might think that he broke the rule he
learned, but she wasn’t in his faculty -he dodged a bullet there-. She
was very nice and flirty, and he responded accordingly. They both were
just into having fun, but got too close together and, eventually started
dating as a couple. They both knew it could work poorly, but they tried
anyway. She was much more experienced in this matters than him, so
he learned a lot, he wouldn’t accept any bad performance on his behalf;
the person with whom he competed the most was himself.
It was easier for him to stay committed to her, he even quit going
out with the guys for most of the time this relationship lasted. She had
to make a true effort, for she was used to being with many partners at a
time. But that is what they both agreed, and they both committed to
keep their word.
It work very well the first two months, they were enough for each
other. But with the third month some problems started, he needed to
focus and get better grades, so he couldn’t spend as much time on her
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as before. She started remembering the times she had with multiple
partners, and started longing for it. He tried to organise his time to do
as before, but it was not easy, and it didn’t work. They had a long talk
on their fourth month, she said that their relationship was great, but it
would probably not work for them if it was going to be so fluctuating
and uncertain, for she needed more constant attention and time. He
knew she was right, and that he could do nothing but to agree.
They decided to end it, and, if anything, to keep on as it truly
began: just for fun. But he couldn’t stand it as before, he couldn’t see
her just for fun a nymore, so they started getting more and more distant
and lost contact entirely slowly through their vacations.
He came back for his fourth semester, he was ready and looking
forward to go partying with the guys, he wanted to take the last girl out
of his mind with drinks and just fun. The guys and our man went out to
a bar, nothing too big, just an opening for the semester. They had a long
talk about many topics, eventually reaching his last relationship, where
they told him that he was a little dumb for getting out of his way when
they both wanted just fun. They were right, he thought, but you know
it's not easy to actually find entirely good or bad decisions in a
relationship.
He got a little upset, for he thought he had lost. What had he lost?
Nothing much, just a self-centered sense of achievement that he held
very highly, in which he'd win if he didn't make a "mistake" in love
matters. A little too proud and attached to weird self systems, isn't he?
He got confused as to what he felt, he thought he felt sad for the loss,
but he also felt lighter for not having to commit, for not having to adjust
his life in order to please his partner. He didn't know it as he does now,
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but love isn't supposed to be hard, it isn't supposed to hurt and be
demanding; the freer it is, the better it works, if you have to change
your life -and you feel wrong about the change- for a love, then it is
probably not the best for you. He didn't know it, bit he felt it, he truly
did.
Nearly half of the semester had passed when life had him ready to
learn another important lesson: red flags. A red flag is quoting the
Casually Explained guy2, a small detail you notice in someone else's
behavior that's symptomatic of a bigger problem. He met someone at the
university, a beautiful girl with sparkling joy and an amazing body - just
what he was looking for, just to have some fun.
They went on a couple dates, and ended hooked up without
committing to a relationship, at least at first. Soon did it change, she
became more involved into his life, demanding that he informed her of
everything he was doing, with whom he was, and so on and so forth; it
was jealousy, as most people would know by now. He went on dealing
with it, not making much of an effort to stop her, she was gorgeous and
he thought it was harmless. The guys told him what was going on, he
didn't quite listen, thinking they were exaggerating the situation.
He started noticing the seriousness of it when it was very advanced
and she was too much into his personal life. She started trying to
manipulate him into not seeing his friends unless she was present, she
didn't want any woman around him, specially if she wasn't there. He
knew something was very wrong when he found himself in an
argument with her because she didn't trust his sister being with him.
2
The link to the video is as follows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2JJ4N2uXuc
15
How didn't he notice the red flag, you may ask? It's quite simple, he just
thought it was nothing, he was too focused on fun to see the red flag.
That relationship didn't last long, and the way he ended it was such
an amazing jerk move that it'd cause people to both laugh and judge
him. And he totally deserved to be judged.
He was invited to a bar night with the guys, just to hang out and
talk, they hadn't been together for two weeks now, and he almost never
answered their messages and calls because he was with his, unwillingly
now, girlfriend. He agreed to go and told his girlfriend, by this point he
was so tired of her that he didn't really care much. She demanded to go
with him, and he said he was OK with it, a bold guy, isn't he?
They went out that night, the mood was clearly bad, she brought
everyone down with her attitude, she was rude to the guys and treated
them as if they were but enemies for her and her boyfriend. Not blind
to this, our man was thinking how to improve the mood, but he couldn't
find a way that would please both his girl and the guys. The opportunity
came with a proposal that made one of the guys, the opportunity to end
it, as I said before, in an amazing but jerk way.
The proposal was simple: our man was to kiss C and he'd get two
beers paid by the guys. His girl immediately put on a very bad face, so
angry that even the guy who proposed the bet was taking steps back to
retract himself. Buy our man was considering the offer, he knew that C
was into him, as he'd stated it clearly many times before. He wasn't
drunk yet, but the alcohol he had taken had started to hit his frontal
lobe quite hard now, reducing his already low inhibition capacities. The
idea that formed in his mind was simple: he'd kiss C and get the two
beers, a win-win situation for his uncaring self, in which he'd finally
16
give C a chance and, at the same time, get drinks for him and his girl.
You can, effortlessly, imagine what would happen in such situation, but
not our man, he was not as bright in these matters as one might think.
He'd made his mind in a few minutes and was ready to give a positive
answer to the proposition, just as the recently peaked tension between
his girl and the guys started to diminish.
He said yes, and three different reactions immediately started
flourishing on the guys and his girl's faces: the guys -all but C- showed
a little and shy smile, but they were excited to see what they knew was
coming; his girl just stared at him with a pale face, speechless and in
total awe; C was excited and blushed, he had been waiting to be given a
chance with our man and for the evening to be over, he just didn't know
that both his wishes would become true at the same time.
His girl was waiting for him to say it was but a joke and decline the
bet, but he stayed committed to his word, he was determined to get
those two stupid beers. He got up from his seat, not standing straight
up, but leaning towards C, who responded doing the same. They put
their hands on the table to avoid falling onto each other's face, and then
kissed. It was a long and sweet kiss, they joined their mouths in such a
magical dance that it seemed as if their lips were melting, it was an
undeniably great kiss.
The girl got immediately pissed off, and the kiss broke to the sound
of bottles hitting the table and one falling to the ground. She got up and
grabbed him by the jacket and pulled him almost making him fall onto
his chair. The slight laughs and sighs that were raised by the kiss
suddenly ended as her anger skyrocketed, the guys were even a little
scared, but our protagonist didn't bat an eye so to speak.
17
They -our man and his until then girl- went outside and started
arguing. She was losing her mind and crying, while he was calm as
always. He didn't give a fuck, really. She asked what that kiss meant, she
was infuriated -and she had enough of a reason to be- at him. He then
told her that he was sick of her shit, tired of her being over him for
every little thing and trying to control his life. He told her that he was
done "having fun" with her, thus breaking up with her a couple of days
after celebrating their first -and only- month together.
She then came back inside to the bar for her bags and left crying a
river. He tried to calm her down, but she slapped him and went her
way.
He wasn’t sad for ending that relationship, he was happy and
proud about it, as if it was a victory for him. A stupid delusion for sure,
but soon to be finished; there’s a reason for this section to be called
Delight, and that delight is approaching its end.
A few days after that, he got a text message from the previous girl,
the one he met in class during the semester before. She wanted to meet
and to see if everything was OK, he agreed. They met two days later and
what you might think would happen, happened: they found themselves
later in the evening underneath the sheets of a bed in a hotel room. But
this time it would only stay as it was supposed to be: just for fun.
She was graduating in a few months, and wanted him to know and
keep in touch, at least for a while if he was OK with that. And it
happened -as you’ll learn later- to fit just perfectly for him, as he’d only
get involved in one-night-stands for some time.
Time went on and he went out for good times with the guys, now
going more frequently to karaoke bars than before, getting to know
18
some of the people who went to those places, sometimes competing
and making bets and deals. One of the groups they met was integrated
by four girls who were quite similar to the guys, and so they started
enjoying the nights of fun and singing at the bars.
One night, the girls were confident and comfortable enough to
bring the usual bets up a little bit, to make it a little more interesting.
The bet they proposed was as follows: each group got to choose one
song, both groups had to, blindly (without lyrics on the screen) sing
both songs and a judge -a bartender in this case- was to say who did it
better; whichever group won would spend the night with the other
group (there were some clear attractions between members of both
groups, so the intention was crystal-clear).
They all agreed with the conditions for the bet, and asked for a
round of drinks to choose the songs for the competition. The guys
chose The Phoenix, by Fall Out Boy3, and the girls chose Zapatillas, by
El Canto del Loco4. They were lucky to be in a bar where they could ask
for songs even if they didn’t have a karaoke version, so they could
simply sing along to the original song.
The first song to be used was the one chosen by the boys, they left
the decision to the flip of a coin, and the girls were first on stage
following the same logic. They were great, but English was not their
strongest language, so the tables were turned favouring the guys if they
could follow the first song better than the girls; and they did, the guys
won the first song. The girls went on stage again, this time for the
second song, their song. It was a hard decision for the judge, but he said
3
The link to the video is as follows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hDZbroaQDc
4
The link to the video is as follows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9jzGmFBzx8
19
it was a draw on the second song, stating the victory on the guys behalf.
The mood was risen quite a lot and they wanted to go and bring the bet
to its end, as the winners had already been stated.
Two of the girls lived in the same apartment, a big flat with three
rooms, they knew their roommate was not in town and asked her if
they could bring some people over, she said yes. They went to those
girls’ place and bought some pizza and games to truly start the evening.
They played UNO, poker, and classic cames as Never have I ever and
truth or dare. A little more than two hours into playing and the group
started scattering, our protagonist and his girl -only for tonight- were
the second couple to part. Needless to say what happened, it was a one
night stand, it never happened again with the two same persons, and it
was as it was meant to be: fun and commitmentless.
Until this moment, our man felt just joy in love matters. This is
partially a lie as you’ll learn later, but it’s part of truth fits in what could
be understood as Delight: feelings and emotions that only brought our
man’s soul and mind higher into new places where he’d find pleasure.
20
Fear
3
I'm an innocent being seduced by your charms,
I'm a young boy tickled to death in your arms,
Your kisses taste like bitter almonds;
It's wrong but I want you tonight.
You're an addiction pulling me to a grave end,
You're an enemy who I'm keen to defend,
Down the black hole of my lust I descend;
It's wrong but I want you tonight
His fear came at first early in his life, before he moved to study in a
different city from his hometown. This section starts with the story of
his first girlfriend, his first relationship, one that would leave a horrible
scar -or an open wound that he’d have to close little by little- in his life.
They met at one of the many activities that he had when he was
younger, they were both about the same age and. It took them long to
even start speaking, but eventually they got to talk often. They were
alike in many things, such as their shyness, and you know -or should
know by now- that love is not magnetism, that opposites don’t usually
attract each other. Their similarities marked a ground for an eventual
relationship, but their differences drew the line for an emotional prison
that would let us know a little more about our man.
They were both coursing their last year of school when they
started dating as a couple and everything was a little too cute to be true.
He was very committed and did -sometimes gave up- everything for
21
her, even putting her on a pedestal. She quickly noticed it and started
to control him in almost every level of his life.
She started by separating him from some of his friends and
activities, nit-picking some features of said friends and activities to
make statements about their improperness or any point of view that
could bring them to reconsideration on his behalf. She kept doing it for
some time until he doubted even his family, eventually, the only person
whom he trusted was his then girlfriend.
The way that things went on was just more and more tangling, as
she started gaining, not only control, but profit in their relationship. He
tried to confront her, but he was not really capable of taking such
resolution but to a bitter end, which scratched deeper and deeper into
his confidence and autonomy. And as his psychological constitution
went down the pipes, her power rose, it's easy to understand what was
happening, actually: when a "free" man is getting enslaved, he'll try to
resist, and if the one enslaving him can put all those efforts down,
they'll gain, each time, more and more power over their new slave; the
more he resisted, the tighter his chains became.
All this went on for a few months, this sick game of push and pull
in which our protagonist had no chance of winning. What profit was
she making out of that relationship?, you may ask, since I've already
established how she gained control. The profit issue is not too hard to
understand, since, as you probably guess by now, our man has quite the
wits to stand out easily in academic issues, it went this way: if she
needed help with something at school, he'd do it for her, she'd
manipulate him with "small and harmful games", like giving him sex in
exchange for the help; he'd get used to such games and she would lower
22
the bar down a little bit over time until, soon, he found himself doing
most of her school work for being allowed to kiss her cheek.
By the course of seven months, he'd already be turned against most
of the people in his life, giving birth to problems that he would nurture
into big distances and -seemingly- irreconcilable differences between
him and many other persons, mostly from his family. He'd become so
unwilling to collaborate or even speak with some of them, specially his
brother, with whom he'd live during his first year in the university.
When he was admitted into the university, she knew that their time
was coming to an end, and that, if she wanted to keep the leash on him,
she'd have to act fast and precise. And so she started a small plan to
make him more dependent on her -emotionally that is- before he
moved.
She became more involved in his life, "helping" him with his
decisions and putting some ideas in his mind that, eventually, backfired
and allowed him to be set free from her tight grip. She'd tell him that
the city where he was going was way too big and uncertain for him to
trust, and that she'd be there to help and take care of him. She repeated
it over and over, starting as a soft suggestion and reaching the likes of a
strong and belittling barrier; but she made a mistake, one that she
could've avoided if she had been more interested in knowing him to a
profound and complex extent than in controlling him: she put those
barriers as a challenge that he couldn't overcome without her, but little
did she know how much he liked challenges and how determined to
win -once more, he comes with his weird achievement systems- he
truly was.
23
He didn't put much resistance to being pulled away from people, to
not rely on others. But he took all those efforts that she made in order
to manipulate him, and he resignified them to fit in his life as aspects of
self-reliance, and that's what turned his girlfriend's plan against her.
He made up his mind and started playing games with himself, games as
the ones she used to propose to make him do her work. The difference
was that, instead of sex or anything alike, he'd reward himself with a
boost to his self-esteem that came from the very things he did. I'll write
an example for you: she said that he'd need to call her every time he
needed to take a route he didn't know, that only that way would he be
able to get to where he needed to go; but he wouldn't play along, he'd
search for different options to plan routes in which he needed nobody
but himself, and he felt more independent when he found a functional
option.
She didn't notice it at first, but he was getting loose from her leash
faster every day. When she realised what was happening, it was already
too late, she had little to no control over him: she first pulled him away
from others in order to control him, and now she had pushed him away
from her trying to make him more dependent.
A few time before graduating from school, he terminated that
relationship right before their ninth month together. She took him on a
date, they went for ice-cream, she asked him if he knew how to find a
classroom in the university -hoping to become the only source of
information on that matter-, and he answered that he did, he told her
that he knew at least three ways to confirm the location of any
classroom. Immediately, she was put down from the delusion on which
she was. She wanted to gain control rapidly again, right then and right
24
there, and so she appealed to the trust he had towards her, asking him
how he'd do without her in that big city, telling him that he would be
needing her more than he thought. That was a risky shot she used,
because she was well aware that, at the slightest doubt, he could easily
put her aside (she had seen him doing that with everyone from whom
she pulled him).
Her fear was not unjustified, for he would answer strongly and
clearly: 'I do not need you, I can live there on my own', he said. Her eyes
got filled with tears and she could barely speak, as he tried to undue his
words; he didn't want to be separated from her, he still was emotionally
dependent on her. He wasn't able to properly take back his words, and
so she responded in an anger burst, telling him that he would never
find someone like her, and that he would be alone forever since that
day.
Our protagonist felt helpless, alone and deeply hurt. For the first
time in his life he was experiencing a pain so great that he couldn't
entirely overcome, and so he turned it into different things in an effort
to deal with it: some of the pain became sadness, it brought him down
to his knees and kept him alone, of course he didn't show it, for he was
convinced of his self-reliance -not to mention that he had become
distant from everyone who could help him- and too proud to ask for
help; much of that sadness turned then into anger, lashing out at
anyone who tried to approach anything even remotely related to the
subject; that anger later filled him with an immense energy, but it was
not a good boost, for it burned him emotionally and just helped him
deny what his, now, ex-girlfriend said and did; that anger started
fading away -or so he thought-, as some new ideas intruded his mind,
25
making him doubtful as to what to think and what to feel, he isolated
himself in an effort to focus on dealing with these intrusions, but it was
useless as he simply got overloaded by them; eventually he got used to
the situation and simply had to find different ways to tackle the
thoughts that came to his mind.
Those of you who know about crises and their course, could easily
see how some of the phases took place, but there was one that wasn’t
present: elaboration, the phase where people have to exteriorise their
experience, put it into words and, finally, make a story -or narration-
that they can fit with the rest of their life and personality. Instead, he
just internalised the event(s) and dealt with it in an maladaptive way; he
internalised those emotions, and they would hunt him for a long time
after, becoming part of the reason he had many troubles later.
That first relationship left him scarred and hurt, and he, in his
efforts to handle the situation, made it worse, subtly and constantly
worse. As you can imagine, this poorly managed crisis instilled in him a
strong fear towards love and relationships: he became afraid of coming
across someone like his first girlfriend; and, thus, he developed some
strategies that would, as you have read up to this point, be harmful to
him and others. In his fear, he tried to avoid committing in a
relationship at all costs, only looking for some fun.
This strategy became more visible after that karaoke bet with the
girls, as he became more and more into one-night-stands, perfect
spaces to have fun a nd avoid commitment at a maximum.
After that karaoke night, he continued going out with the guys
looking for a good time. And he found many good times, although most
of them went just as far as making out and then saying goodbye.
26
Our man has been, until this book, badly drunk four times, one of
them is the story you’ll read next in this section. Luckily he has learned
how to drink -and party- more properly, avoiding such awful extremes
that only leave regret and shame, at least most of the times.
He went out for a night of fun with the guys, a lot of alcohol and
other stuff was available for them. It was, in their thoughts, going to be
either a very fun night or a complete disaster; it was a strange mix of
both, as it turned out. They went to a common bar with live music to
the west of the city, they started drinking and setting up small talks
with different people. One girl was caught staring at our protagonist
and went to his table, asking if she could join him to get to know each
other; she was accepted, obviously, and she turned out to be a very
interesting girl.
There was only one little problem, our man was quite drunk
already -although a little less than the girl- when she approached, so he
wasn’t so conscious of all that was happening. They drank and talked
through the night, and they started getting a little distant from the
guys, even though they were seated at the same table.
She told him that she really liked him, and then asked if he would
like to come over to her place, as she lived alone in a big apartment
near the place. He was excited and aroused immediately after such
suggestion, although the guys seemed to find this girl quite
untrustworthy, advising our man not to go to her place. He was too
wasted to listen, but not enough to need their help for moving, so he
went to the girl’s place.
One might think that, by this point, the girl and our protagonist
knew each other to some extent, but this was not the case. They only
27
talked about their experiences in fun issues. They didn’t even know
each other’s name by the moment they left the bar.
They went to her place and got lost into each other’s desires,
making the best out of their evening. It was a one-night-stand in all its
law, let me tell you a little about this practice so you can understand
what was going on: an ONS is when you hook up with someone once
and never sleep with them again, it’s the perfect space for practicing
new stuff in bed, but it doesn’t mean you won’t be under some risks
regarding both your physical and emotional health.
With that said, you can get a little insight on what was about to
happen to our protagonist. He got lost and, as the verse -bridge,
actually- quoted for this part, he descended down the black hole of his
lust, and he’d regret it all as soon as the sun shone through the window
and on his pale, hangover face.
He woke up early, it was six in the morning and he was in a
stranger’s bed, not near anyone he knew, much less his own place. She
was still sleeping heavily due to the affair of the night before and all the
drinks she had. He started looking for his clothes and got dressed as
they were appearing piece by piece in the room. His head was killing
him, and he was so thirsty that he could barely move his lips. When he
was finished getting dressed and packing up his stuff, he started
looking for the exit, praying that he wouldn’t need the girl’s help to get
out of the place.
There were no problems leaving the place, he walked through the
front door of the building as if nothing had happened -although he
attracted some gazes, since he was not well-presented and none knew
him-, quickly searching on his phone how to get home. But unlucky
28
was he, for his phone’s battery was almost dead, and he had to take a
bus and just get to a friend’s home, hoping to be received as an
unexpected visitor.
He spent only twenty minutes or so in the bus, and he went
thinking all the way to his friend’s house. He felt dirty and worthless, he
didn’t feel as a “winner” this time, and he didn’t understand why. Of
course, we do understand a little bit more about the why than he did at
the moment: he had gone off-limits and surrendered his wellbeing, his
health, his integrity, his security -and even his friends, the guys- to the
lust he felt for one night.
This was where he started doubting about his life, up until now he
thought he was being happy for most of his love life, but now he began
thinking if all that was true happiness, or if he was simply giving up
everything to satisfy the lust. And this started to break his belief system
as a whole, little by little. The things that made him proud started
making him feel shame; what made him happy before, appeared now to
be just feeding an illusion. He started seeing himself as if he wasn’t
living his life, and this all just started opening old wounds.
4
Why is it that I’m keen to be devoured by you,
When there’s the option for a love affair that’s pure and true?
I always choose the dungeon over the sea view;
It’s wrong but I want you tonight.
When I’m out the other side I say never again,
But when I’m out and about I want to find the next vixen
29
Someone who’ll be sure to drive me round the bend;
It’s wrong but I want you tonight.
A few days passed after the incident with the last girl, and he
started talking to the guys again. They told him that what he did was
stupid and reckless, and they were right, how could he argue that he
acted responsibly that night? He couldn’t do it in anyway. So the guys
told him they should have a long time, that he should learn and
experience -including taking care of himself. They noted that he was a
bit different, he was less joyful, he seemed to be worried and
overthinking everything.
Anyone should go to therapy after that, don’t you agree? Well, he
wasn’t ready to go yet, he waited and waited for too long. But it’s not all
bad, without that, his story here would be finishing too soon, and we
still haven’t addressed some aspects you might want to know.
After a couple of weeks he seemed OK and ready to go, the guys
agreed that he had learned his lesson and decided to go out again, this
time should be different, he’d have to show that he could take care of
himself, and he kind of did.
They went out and he had only a couple of beers, he was calm and
cool throughout the evening. He seemed to be the same as before, only
a little more reserved and less given into impulsive behaviors, such as
approaching strangers as before and so on. They went out of the bar at
nearly eleven in the evening, the guys were glad that everything went
OK and they agreed to go out again next week.
And so they did, they went to a karaoke bar to have a good time
just before the end of the semester, his fourth semester. They were
30
very joyful and energetic, specially him, he went to buy some drinks for
the table and started chatting with a girl at the serving table. They
talked for a little over fifteen minutes and gave their phone number to
each other. He then came back to the table, finding the guys a little
intrigued by the scene, they wanted to know about that girl and to
confirm that what happened last time wouldn’t repeat now.
They were partially right, history didn’t repeat itself; it just shifted
they way it happened. Just learning about what was isn’t enough, we
must put our minds to work and imagine new ways in which it could
take place, so that when it begins to take place, we’re able to spot and
stop it. But our man learned this later in his life, and it lead him to the
next story.
There were only two weeks left for the semester to end when he
went out for the last time with the guys, and he had only a month left in
the city before going back to his hometown for vacations. He had been
chatting with the girl from the bar, they got to know each other a bit
better than they expected, but they didn’t meet. They wanted to go on a
date before he had to leave the city, but neither of them knew how to go
about it; he was trying, poorly, to avoid any kind of relationship, and
she just wasn’t very experienced in taking the lead. Eventually he
couldn’t hold it for much longer and he told her if it would be OK to go
on a date, but he was clear in that he just wanted to spend a good time
together, no committing or hooking up. She accepted and they agreed
to go on a date for next wednesday in the afternoon.
They decided to go and hang out in a mall, just eating, looking
around and then going to the movies; a very normal and nice date. They
31
were very comfortable with each other, and that became something
more fun later in the theater.
She told him to go and buy some snack while she bought the
tickets to the movie, and he agreed, it was an efficient and kind
suggestion. He came back with the snacks -they hid them in her bag,
obviously- and she had already bought and paid for the tickets. The
seats she chose were on the back of the theater, to the left corner. She
wouldn’t tell him what seats she chose, she simply told him “trust me,
we have good seats, the best ones in the whole theater”. He was both
worried but intrigued, he wanted to know what she had plan. I imagine
that you already know up to what she was, don’t you?
They walked into the theater, she grabbed his hand and made him
follow her up to their seats. He put little to no resistance, diminishing
as the arousal and expectation grew inside him. She sat at the corner, it
was literally the last seat of the row. They chatted a bit and unpacked
some of their snacks, some chips and a chocolate bar.
The movie started, and he turned completely silent -our
protagonist hates to make any noise while watching a movie, he stays
quiet and calm through the whole movie and you could even doubt that
he’s there if you couldn’t see him- as the screen showed the first
scenes. She grabbed his arm and leaned towards him putting her head
against his chest, right below his shoulder. He then made her let go off
his arm, just to put it around her back and press her lightly against him.
She loved that and was as comfortable as she could be. They were
nearly an hour into the movie and he noticed that she started to lift her
head, he leaned down towards her to ask if she wanted something, and
she, rapidly, stole a kiss from him, going back to her previous position
32
immediately. He stayed a little surprised but didn’t move more than his
head, focusing again on the screen.
Something like thirty minutes passed, and she lifted her head from
his chest again, he, as before, asked if she needed something. She told
him to lean his head and listen, and so he did, putting his ear near her
face so they wouldn’t make much of a noise. The words that came from
her mouth were exactly as follows: don’t you want to go somewhere more
private after the movie?. He asked her what she meant by that, and she
just said “I’ll show you”. She then leaned towards him, this time going
past his chest. She untied his pants and started playing for a while.
Nearly ten minutes later, he burst into ecstasy and she started
tying his pants again. She then stayed with her head resting on his lap
and they waited for the movie to be over.
They walked out of the theater and were a little silent, she said she
wanted to go to the bathroom, and he accompanied her -he also needed
to go- and waited outside, for he finished before her. She then told him
if she could help her with something, he asked if there was anyone in
the bathroom, concerned with not upsetting anyone; she told him that
he had nothing to worry about, that there was nobody but her. He
walked in and she grabbed him by surprise, pulling him towards her,
kissing him right after he was close enough. They stared at each other
for a moment after that kiss, and then he kissed her again, pressing her
against the wall as she put her arms around his back. The heat went up
between them, and then she repeated -or adapted- the question she
asked earlier: don’t you want to go to a more private place? He just
nodded.
33
They walked out of the bathroom and started going to the exit of
the mall, pretending to talk about the movie, but their minds where
both in a place -and situation- entirely different from the mall. They
walked a little until they found a hotel, entering the place and asking to
get a room for a couple hours.
It was five thirty in the afternoon, and soon the evening took over
the city. They left the place two hours later, showered and well
presented -way different than he was before, you know when-, she
wasn’t holding his hand anymore. They went to a bus stop near there
where they could both take a bus to their homes. She was first to get on
the bus, he had to wait nearly fifteen minutes after she left.
Later that night, they got online and chatted for a while. The date
was wonderful for both of them -specially for him- but it wouldn’t
happen ever again. The reason why there wouldn’t be a second date
was the one thing that activated all the suffering, all the insecurities, all
the anger and self-judging that our protagonist had been holding for so
long - all the fear; she was cheating on her boyfriend with our man.
He was just upset at first, but the feeling escalated and became
something else as they covered the topic, it became something
confusing and almost unreal. He felt used, but he also felt calm, as if it
hadn’t happened, as if he had been but a meer viewer. He was more
upset about she not telling him than the fact that she used him to cheat
on her partner. That’s what he tried to think at first, but is old wounds
were opening again; he began thinking that all that was there for him in
life was being controlled and used, he started lashing out at himself
with disappointment, bringing himself down to the lowest point he’d
ever be -before and after- in his life until the moment.
34
He didn’t speak to her again, neither would he answer her calls nor
her messages. He isolated from most of the people, even the guys. He
kept going to the university -although his classes had already ended for
the most part- in search for some peace and enlightenment; but he’d
find none of that, not a single thing to keep him from falling apart. He’d
be so consumed by his confusion that he’d constantly think about
death, he even had plans -after trying twice and failing- for it.
One of the guys texted him, worried for him disappearing. His
answer wouldn’t come soon, he answered one day after his friend
texted him. They talked a little and agreed to meet at the university the
next day. They spent over two hours simply being there, they barely
spoke, but our man was very glad and thankful towards his friend for
he had given him some energy.
This paragraph is some sort of clarification for those who might
need it to better understand the situation -although not everyone- that
started to unwind. Some of you may know that, during depression, the
most dangerous moment is that when the person has already felt very
bad and, suddenly, feels a little more energised; it is in that moment
that people are more likely to kill themselves, and our protagonist
surely was no exception here.
Returning to the story, he -as you might assume by now- took that
little burst of energy that his friend gave him and was determined to
commit suicide. Throwing himself from a bridge onto the highway
should be enough, he thought. And so he started the way, his path to a
certain relief, his path towards death.
He’d tell his friend that he wanted to go for a beer, they’d have to
cross a very high bridge on their way, and then he’d simply jump
35
without thinking or looking back, avoiding his friend from stopping
him. The plan started and his mind clock started ticking: he’d be set
free from everything that held him in suffering.
And so they started walking, our protagonist was suspiciously
happy and joyful5 -at least for his condition-, and his friend noticed it
and started watching more closely his behavior. They were approaching
the bridge and he stopped for a moment, all the happiness on his face
turned into pale fear, as if something was coming; and his friend
noticed it, getting a little scared and confused. They continued walking
up the stairs, and our protagonist tried to create some distance
between his friend and himself, but this was not allowed, his friend
would not get far from him. He suddenly said “bye, take care” to his
friend and ran to the edge of the bridge, stopping at the fence in shock,
he wanted to jump but his body wouldn’t move; he started, slowly,
climbing the fence one leg at the time - he was making it, he was
forcing himself to jump. His friend was scared and couldn’t move either
at first, but when he saw our protagonist stopping at the fence, he knew
it was his chance to do something, and so he ran to the fence and pulled
him, throwing him to the ground and away from the fence. He
immediately started crying out loud and his friend was unable to stop
him from mourning his soul as if it was burning.
His friend made a call, while our protagonist was just lying on the
ground. After a couple of minutes, our man's friend managed to help
him to lift his body and sit on the floor, calming him down a little bit.
When he was a little bit more quiet and out of the initial shock, they
5
There’s a song that could help you understand how his mood was at the moment, Bullet, by
Hollywood Undead. This is the link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP077RitNAc
36
walked down the bridge and to the street, they waited until, fifteen
minutes later, a black car from Uber arrived, the friend had asked for a
cab with his phone. They got inside the car and were on their way to a
hospital as soon as they could. The driver asked if everything was OK
with them,if course it wasn't.
On their way to the hospital, they decided to go to someone's home
and talk the situation out. Not what they should've done, but it could've
been worse. He didn't want anyone to know what happened, specially
not his family; and so it would be, nobody but his friend and himself
knows about it in such detail as it is put in here.
He made an appointment for assessment and therapy the very next
day, and lucky was he, for he got the appointment assigned for the
weekend. He went to the appointment and, as expected, he got the
diagnosis: major depressive episode. He then started therapy and didn't
need medication, the management of his crisis was not as hard as the
therapist thought at first.
For those of you who don't know much about therapy, medication,
and depression, I will explain here why he didn't have to take any pills.
When you want to solve a problem, you must go to its origin, not only
deal with the superficial and notorious things. Take a leak -a water leak
in the kitchen- as an example: you could grab a mop and pass it on the
floor to remove the water or you could put a bucket under the leak, but
it won't stop until you fix the pipe that has the leak. Something similar
happens with psychological disorders: it won't stop until you go to the
origin of the problem and correct it. Sometimes the origin is entirely
biochemical, and thus it's better to use medication, sometimes the root
of the problem is an emotionally harsh event, and thus medication
37
might not work properly to solve it; we cannot truly bury our problems
under a bunch of pills -although we try-, for the pills will help us deal
with how we feel, but the cannot -in most cases- solve the origin of our
problems, the cannot always address the why.
He went to therapy three times a week for a month and a half, not
telling anyone but his friend and making a deal with the therapist -as
you may know, a therapist is subjected to some rules demanded by the
law, such as keeping confidentiality and contacting external,
convenient, people when the consultant’s health is at risk- about telling
others: the therapist wouldn’t contact anyone immediately, but if he
(our man) didn’t comply and do as needed in therapy, he’d contact his
closest family.
Those were the conditions agreed and the sessions went on as a
long process -yet to be finished, probably- began. Our protagonist was
a little reluctant at first, but with time he became more and more
committed to his therapy, taking it as a personal goal. It worked
perfectly for him, for very competitive was he, and who knew -and was
able to use- it better than he himself?
By the time he had to travel back to his hometown, he was very
changed, he’d learned to support and understand himself as he never
had before, but still there was -and still is- much for him to do, learn
and understand, specially about himself.
38
What life feels like: Fear & Delight
Fear & Delight
All the way through the night,
With a little daring do,
I’ll fall in love with you.
He came back for the next semester, his fifth one, and to continue
his therapy. It took the -him and his therapist- two months to be able
to say that the process could be carried to a happy end by our
protagonist without the therapist’s help. And they were not wrong, but
neither were they completely right.
The guys were graduating that semester, and so their adventures
together had come to an end, as they were busy with their stuff: our
man with his therapy, and the guys with their graduation. He went to
their graduation and then they never met again, each one of the guys
went off to somewhere far, one of them went to study abroad, another
went to his hometown, and the other two fond jobs in cities far from
their university; our protagonist was kind of lonely now, but perhaps it
was better for him to be alone for a while, to focus on himself and his
career.
He finished the semester and was feeling better with every day that
passed, everything was going nicely, although he still had problems
with some people -his brother, more precisely- that were starting to
grow and poison, in a way, his soul. And he won’t solve it until later in
this section.
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During the last months of that semester, in october, he started
chatting with a girl he met one year ago at a friend’s birthday party, S.
Things didn’t work out between them when they first met, she treated
him badly and he wouldn’t speak to him comfortably and openly, even
though a year had passed.
Not long after they started chatting, they began dating. December
with the new year’s eve came, and the attraction between them just
grew and grew, innocent and pure, as a love story for children, if you
don’t take into account their past. They were happy together -although
much was left for them to experience and learn-, they understood each
other in many different levels and were able to overcome may
disadvantages without even fighting.
After the process through which he went, he felt healthy and
strong, and he went all in for that relationship. They grew more mature
and healthy in many aspects, helping each other to discover and solve
problems that were bugging them and making them suffer. A perfect
relationship it seemed, and for the most part, it was. At least until he
started feeling as if he was not there, as if he had been faking what he
felt, but couldn’t hide it properly. She was suspicious of him for some
time before they broke up, but he was too stupid to say a word, or at
least to think profoundly about it.
She did all she could, but he didn't quite help the situation; he let it
grow and grow, like snowball going down a hill in a cartoon animation.
He started treating her as someone distant -although he has never, to
date, been closer to anyone as he was to her- and unimportant, as a
complete stranger. They went together fine and greatly for two years
straight, until he started feeling this lack of belongingness, this void
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that made him think that what he felt at the moment was the only true
feeling he ever had, that all the rest was but a mask to fit with others,
that he had been faking his feelings during that relationship and, thus,
that he had been lying to the woman that ever loved him the most; what
a "fool" he was, for it was never fake, his feelings were true the whole
time, but so was the void. Although, why should we judge him based on
what we know now, when he was acting based on what he knew then?
He asked for some time right before celebrating another six
months together. He didn't want to drag her to his discussion with
himself, he didn't want to hurt her, but he ended up hurting her in the
worst way he could. He tried to convince himself that he'd focus on
solving his problems during the month he asked, but had already made
up his mind and was too much of a coward to confront himself.
Instead of facing his beliefs and really questioning his thoughts and
acts, he focused on meeting new people. He became closer to a girl, L,
one of his friends, and started thinking that a relationship might work
with her; he thought it would because they were closer in mind,
knowledge and and interests -or so it seemed-, but he was not quite
right on that. As it turned out later, intellectual compatibility doesn't
necessarily imply a positive outcome in a love relationship.
Before the month he took ended, he had made the decision to
terminate his relationship and try to start a new one with the girl about
whom I just told you in the last paragraph. He met with S to discuss the
matter, and it broke her heart as harshly as possible, she was sweet,
kind and loving to him, and he pushed her apart in an intent to keep
her away, thinking that in creating distance he would somehow
diminish her suffering; he didn't, he just made her suffer even more.
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In his effort to create distance, he treated her badly, he was rude
-for the first time- to her and he was inconsiderate of her feelings. He
was also suffering from his own actions, but thought that pain to be
anger, and he aimed that anger to her. He later began to understand
better what was happening, and would like to say "I'm sorry for all that
I've done", but he knows what he did, and he knows that he probably
doesn't deserve to be heard; although that's all he might need, not any
second chance, not even forgiveness, just having his words and feelings
listened.
You now know enough to, at least, understand to a minimum
extent how our protagonist's life feels like. There's still some road for
us to go, for until now you have seen fear and delight separated in this
story, in this life, but you know their separation is just as artificial as
the splitting of quantitative and qualitative methods of research; life,
just as the every phenomenon, is a complex mixture of different things,
of different feels, and separating its components serves the same aims
as quantitative and qualitative splitting does: breaking it into small
pieces for us to study and understand more easily. But we then have to
put all the pieces together if we intend to truly understand the whole,
we need to see fear and delight a s just glances of the same, whole life.
Life feels like fear & desire. Not just one or the other, but both at all
times; for any piece of desire, there is one of fear, and the whole pieces
together make up life.
This mixture, this true nature of life, is best seen in the following
-and last- story: the resolution of conflicts with his brother, or at least
the beginning of such process.
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Soon after breaking up with S, he felt the need of speaking with his
brother to solve their issues, or at least become clearer on that. He was
afraid of speaking to him, of being seen as week as he was, but he also
felt excitement and some sort of freedom. He felt sad and angry, loaded
with years of mistrust and hate towards his brother, an anger that he
himself had fed and raised. This was the first time he actually embraced
the mixture of feelings, and, some time later -before breaking up with L
at the beginning of this book- he would understand that the void he felt
was due to not embracing all of his feeling, all of his life, that the mask
he thought to be using was not real, that he wasn't faking anything; he
was simply not embracing the feeling of life.
He spoke to his brother, overcoming for a moment his fears and
letting himself go with the flow of life. They went for a beer and talked
through the evening, it had been long since they were truly brothers.
Our protagonist stated his mind out, letting go of his fear and
excitement -or at least trying- to speak about the problems he had with
his Brother. He always hated to be compared to him, to have
expectations about what he should do based on his brother; before his
eyes, his brother was a hypocritical good boy, but he had never really
asked him, and this is what he used to really listen now: why should he
judge his brother, when all he knew about him was just one side of the
story, a story that he was beginning to understand differently?
He understood that evening, by his brother's own words, that he
had been pushing him aside, that, what he interpreted as his brother
trying to control him, was but a mix of different efforts that the one he
pushed aside the most, his own brother, was making to get closer to
him. He then started making efforts to stop viewing his brother as a
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menace, and begin seeing him as support, as a shoulder to lean on and
share both his happiness and sadness, his fear & delight, his life.
And thus I finish this book, this tale. Our protagonist, just as
anyone else on this planet, could die tomorrow, we mustn't take our
lives for granted, he knows that. One of his biggest fears has always
been for people to forget him, to fall into oblivion; but he needs not to
fear much now, for his story has been written and it will live in
someone else's mind.
If you made it this far, I want to tell you that I'm profoundly
grateful to you. I fear this book might not have been very good or
interesting, but still a appreciate your time and patience.
Yours kindly,
D. F. P. P.
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