Being black in an all white school was the struggle.

The funny part about my story, is

that I was completely aware of the blatant racism that my own classmates showed. I was so
aware that when we would talk about slavery in history class and everyone would stare at me
like this, I would feel ashamed to be in my own skin. I would always imagine what it would be
like to be one of them. I remember vividly when I was 3, my favorite thing to watch on TV was
Disney Channel, but one day [one finger], I started to realize something. It was an epiphany that
has affected my self confidence to this day. “Mommy, why doesn’t anyone on Disney Channel
look like me?” Now you’re probably wondering, “How does a 3 year old realize this?” Well, when
you’re the darkest one not only at [point] school, but in your family, then something starts to set
in. I’m different.
Hair has been the biggest problem for me as a girl. Because I went to a small
conservative private school, wearing my hair in its natural state was very taboo. And on the rare
occasions I did, as soon as I walked into the doors of that school building, I would regret it. 1st
grade was the first time that someone made it clear to me that I was different. Emma Blackburn
despised me. She would constantly tug my hair and compare it to the wildest things that she
could ever imagine. “Negro Naps” was my favorite. As time passed, I continued to struggle with
my hair.
That brings me to the 6th grade, when I moved to Virginia Beach. Virginia Beach
enabled a fresh start, a clean slate. I was in a new city, at a new school with new people. But,
the transition from a sheltered private school with 9 kids in the whole 5th grade to one of the
largest public schools was challenging. I didn’t have a problem making friends and finding
classes eventually became breeze. But, I struggled realizing that I wasn’t the only black person
in the world. I learned that when I joined an AAU basketball team. One would have thought
fitting in would have been a lot easier, being around people that are similar to me. But that was
when I arrived at my next obstacle. The problem wasn’t the pigment of my skin, it was now how
I acted. And to my brown skinned teammates, I was an oreo. They rejected me because I acted
like a white girl. Because I didn’t listen to rap music. Because I never wore Jordans. I wanted to
fit in so badly that I had to change myself completely and I hated it because it wasn’t me. My
assistant coach said that because I had been hanging out with white girls, I got soft. And he was
right. So, I ended up changing sports. But, my experiences with volleyball were even worse. If
you didn’t know, I don’t fit them demographics for volleyball. *picture of team*. But, eventually, I
had to get used to it. During my most recent club volleyball season, one of my teammates called
me the N word. It didn’t bother me that she did because I was used to it. It was the fact that the
directors of the whole program new of the situation and did nothing. Their debate was whether
she used an “a” or “hard r”, as though that makes it any better.
These two sports brought out the two different extremes. In basketball, I was too white to
fit in and in volleyball I was too black. I have never denied the fact that I was black, but other
people denied me because of it.
In the future, I want to better myself; put myself around people that enjoy me for me.
People that let me talk about things like this without judging me. I now appreciate myself more
as a person; from kinky hair to my birkenstocks.