Wesley Zeng

Allison Bocchino

Writing 2

8 June 2020

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Revision Matrix 
 

Original text of WP  Commentary  Changes made to  Impact of this 

submission:  received:   the text:  change to the WP: 

WP 1: Social “1st body paragraph Social psychology By condensing the

psychology is the
branch of psychology
that deals with how
social interactions
affect the individual...
Contrasting, the
discipline of business
economics explains
savings in a more
macro-sense…
is rather summative -
what is the point
being made in this
paragraph? The same
applies to the 2nd
body paragraph.”-
Allison
and business
economics come
from two different
branches of study…
In contrast, the
discipline of business
economics uses
economic theory and
quantitative methods
to analyze businesses
and factors that
attribute to firms and
markets...
Conversely, in the
economic study…
two paragraphs, it
allows readers to see
that there is a better
focus towards the
actual comparison of
the two disciplines
rather than just details
about it. The
paragraphs do explain
the characteristics of
the disciplines
though, which is why
they are kept.

WP 1: Understanding “​Here would be a This is prevalent Adding an example

that much discussion
of psychology and
economics is on the
basis of research,
both use similar word
choice when
comparing studies
written by each
discipline. However,
good place to insert
an example from your
article that shows
behavioral word
choice but also uses
scientific terms.” -
Ishika (peer)
when the article
states, “Suppose
individuals who are
contemplating
whether to spend or
save money consider
the possibility that
they might encounter
a misfortune. In this
of the comparison I
was talking about
always readers to see
how psychology is
actually different and
strengthens my claim
and paper overall by
offering evidence.
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paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.

psychology uses case, happy

behavioral word individuals may
choice to explain how perceive the
people think about adversity...” The
saving. writers use the words
contemplating,
misfortune, perceive,
and adversity, which
when broken down
are all aspects of
describing behavior.

WP 1: Moving “The topic sentence is The two disciplines By changing the topic
forward to the not written well and follow different sentence, this helps
analysis, the two should discuss the processes on how to define the topics
disciplines have entire paragraph into develop their talked about in
different approaches further detail.”- arguments from the paragraph 3 and 4,
to create evidence for Wesley results they obtained. while giving readers
their arguments. another easy way to
figure out what is
being discussed in
this paragraph.
Changing the
wording strengthens
the entire paragraph
as it gives a good
start and foundation
for everything to
build off of.

WP 1: Social “The topic sentence Although economics Changing the topic

psychology and does not talk about and psychology are sentence gives
business economics the comparison of the both social sciences readers a heads up on
fall under the two disciplines, and that use prior research what the entire
category of social so throws readers off as sources of paragraph should be
sciences, enabling from the main point information, the talking about. By
their studies to use of the paper. The evidence, audience, focusing the sentence
sources of prior second sentence does and jargon show the on the differences
research. Both a better job.” - differences between between the two
disciplines use Wesley the two disciplines. studies rather than
previous research to just having an
help ignite new informative sentence,
research, and while it helps strengthen the
the methodology is paper’s gradual build
similar across all of momentum toward
 *To ensure that the original text bracket does not drag on, some text has been cut so that only the starting words of the
social science studies,
the evidence,
audience, and jargon
show the differences
between the two
disciplines.
WP 1: Analyzing the
two disciplines under
the topic of savings,
despite having
similarities in the
process of
experimenting,
justifying their
argument, and
organization of the
academic journal, the
two articles vary
significantly in their
diction, reason for
study, and their
evidence.
WP 1: Social
psychology and
business economics
fall under the
category of social
sciences, enabling
their studies to use
sources of prior
research…
Moving forward to
the analysis, the two
disciplines have
different approaches
to create evidence for
their arguments…
“While the thesis
gives details on what
will be discussed in
the paper, it doesn't
really address the
overarching question.
The conclusion does
a better job though.”-
Allison
“The point is also
unclear in the 3rd
body paragraph. The
4th body paragraph's
point is clearer, but
what does this
difference mean?”-
Allison
paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.
Despite having many
characteristics in
common, these
disciplines contrast in
what information
from their studies is
included in their
paper, the
presentation of their
findings, and their
assumptions on how
knowledgeable the
readers are with the
discipline’s jargon.
Although economics
and psychology are
both social sciences
that use prior research
as sources of
information, the
evidence, audience,
and jargon show the
differences between
the two disciplines…
The two disciplines
follow different
processes on how to
develop their
arguments from the
results they
obtained…
the argument.
Changing my thesis
has now helped me
include more about
not just the details
discussed in the
paper, but explains to
readers the main
point of my paper
which is to discuss
the differences
between the two
disciplines I chose.
The comment
referenced the entire
paragraph, and so by
rewriting parts of it,
the edits have
allowed both
paragraphs to become
more clear and
answer the paper’s
question of the
differences between
the two disciplines.
Making the
differences more
obvious allows
readers to easily see
how the two
disciplines contrast,
and how each
discourse community
has its own
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paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.

characteristics.

WP 1: Social “The second Social psychology Although small, this

psychology and paragraph and third and business change makes
business economics paragraph both start economics come reading the entire
come from two the same way, which from two different paper easier overall
different branches of is repetitive.” - fields of study… as there is not
study… Wesley Economics and constantly the same
Social psychology psychology are both words being used.
and business social sciences, Creating different
economics fall under enabling the two introductions to each
the category of social studies to use prior paragraph also allows
sciences, enabling research as sources of readers to better
their studies to use information. differentiate the two.
sources of prior
research.

WP1 and WP2: “Need to give the full
Cai et al., “The footnote the 1st time
Interactive Effects”, an article is cited;
2. then can use the
Chatterjee et al., shortened footnote
“Tradeoff between for all subsequent
time and money”, 1. citations.
footnotes not entirely
formatted correctly -
why is the journal
title in parenthesis?”-
Allison
Cai et al., “The Adding page numbers
Interactive Effects of and having proper
Bitter Flavor and footnotes gives the
Mood on the proper credit to the
Decision to Spend or sources and shows
Save Money”, readers that the paper
Journal of has credibility which
Experimental Social helps my argument
Psychology​, vol. 70, overall.
2017, 1
Chatterjee et al.
“Tradeoff between
Time and Money:
The Asymmetric
Consideration of
Opportunity Costs.”
Journal of Business
Research,​ vol. 69, no.
7, July 2016, 1

WP 2: *Please look at “The academic *Please look at the Revising the format
the formatting of the heading/title look out changes of the format of my translation
original text* of place in this in finalized helps make the
context”- Allison translation* translation less
confusing and allows
“If your genre readers to become
translation is a news even more immersed.
 *To ensure that the original text bracket does not drag on, some text has been cut so that only the starting words of the
WP 2: These findings
were done through
extensive research by
four graduates.
WP 2: The academic
article titled, “The
interactive effects of
bitter flavor and
mood on the decision
to spend or save
money,” is written
and packaged as a
research paper.
WP 2: The first
obvious one is that all
news articles include
a headline, one that
usually gives the
article, you should
add the author (you)
and time stamp of the
article and a publisher
company” - Ishika
(Peer)
“I think this should
be changed to these
findings were
discovered through
extensive research by
four graduates so it
sounds better”- Ishika
(Peer)
“I think it would be
helpful if your topic
sentence outlined the
genre conventions of
the research paper
you will discuss in
this paragraph.”-
Ishika (Peer)
“Good discussion of
the genre
conventions, but it
would have been nice
to see examples of
paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.
These discoveries
were identified
through extensive
research by four
graduates.
The academic article
titled, “The
interactive effects of
bitter flavor and
mood on the decision
to spend or save
money,” is written as
a research paper,
helping explain the
experiment, its
findings, and its word
choice.
The first obvious one
is that all news
articles include a
headline, one that
usually gives the
These changes help
show readers the
genre differences that
I later talk about in
my paper, giving
more solid evidence.
This word change
adds more power to
the sentence as it
doesn’t just say “were
done” but rather
implicitly explains
how the research
found new
information. It
strengthens the
sentence, which
though small, is still
important to the
entire essay.
Creating a more
informative topic
sentence allows
readers to understand
what I am going to
talk about in this
paragraph. Laying out
the exact points I
offered in the
paragraph helps show
the readers the
conventions I am
bringing up in this
section, letting them
navigate my points
and entire essay more
easily.
I included more
conventions to further
describe how there
are many
characteristics that
 *To ensure that the original text bracket does not drag on, some text has been cut so that only the starting words of the
main point of the
entire article in a
short sentence.
WP 2: The paper also
includes many uses of
word choice and
diction within the
discourse community
it is in, as it has to
include many
descriptive words for
the procedures and
math behind their
experiments.
WP 2: Next, I
reworded certain
phrases and left out
some information as
it was not deemed
necessary for my
news article.
the conventions you
described for
newspapers from the
3 news articles you
read.”- Allison
“​I think you should
add another sentence
on how exactly word
choice and diction is
displayed in the
research paper and
how that contributes
to the overall purpose
of the paper.”- Ishika
(Peer)
“There are not
enough examples of
your genre translation
connecting back to
your reflection.”-
Wesley
paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.
main point of the
entire article in a
short sentence, as
well as a byline, and
the date published.
This can be seen
when you search up
any article from news
websites such as the
LA Times, CNN,
Fox, etc.
…math behind their
experiments. This is
displayed throughout
the paper, as the
writers’ intended
audience is other
researchers in the
same field, which
allows the writers to
use specific jargon to
explain their studies.
Next, I reworded
certain phrases and
left out some
information as it was
not deemed necessary
for my news article.
For example, when
performing the genre
translation, I left out
the fact that “a
psychology professor
who was interested in
acquiring information
about personal
are easily seen for
news articles, and
included places that
readers can view
these conventions as
examples. This helps
strengthen my paper
by giving well-known
sources that people
can easily check.
Further explaining
the reasoning behind
the convention of
using jargon in
research papers
impacts my paper by
showing readers that
not only is the
language specific, but
research papers are
able to do this
because of their
specific intended
audience. This edit
gives readers that
extra connection, and
therefore strengthens
my paper.
By adding an
example of how I
connected the
translation, I gave
additional evidence to
how I translated the
paper, which shows
readers an in-depth
look in the translation
and helps better
explain my whole
process overall.
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WP 2: Looking for
the five W’s was
quite helpful both
because it allowed me
to find the main
interests to talk about,
but also because it is
a convention within
news article writing.
paragraphs/sentences being edited are shown.
experiences of
college students was
ostensibly conducting
the first task,” when
explaining how the
first experiment was
conducted.
“The phrase with Looking for the five
"both" should include W’s was quite helpful
an "and", not "but" to because it allowed me
connect the two to find the main
phrases”- Wesley interests to talk about,
as well as
highlighting a
convention within
news article writing.
This small change
helps the grammar
and flow of the entire
paragraph. The
incorrect use of “but
also” may confuse
readers, so changing
it has now allowed
my explanation to be
easily understood and
the overall argument
to continue building
momentum.