LUISA ZISSMAN

BRIL

INCREDIBLY
5 - 11 JUN
2015

SEXY
NEW SHOTS
www.ZOOToday.com Issue 581

STARRING...

JOEY
C R AC K I N
HER S G CO L L E T T !
SHOO EXIEST
ALICE CASEY T EVE 201
R!
FEATURING...
SOPHIE BETH
JOHN TERRY
STACEY
HARRY KANE

LUillCiaYnt’lyS... EDDIE HOWE

PLUS LOADS
MORE!
br
I THINK I WON
EVERY AWARD!

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON TALKS TO

 WHAT’S INSIDE P48
Academic House
24-28 Oval Road
London
UPFRONT NW1 7DT
4 Luisa Zissman’s
Phone 020 7241 8000
gobsmacking getaway! Email info@zootoday.com or
firstname.surname@zootoday.com
8 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
ZOO runs editorial work experience
“I wanted to be Indiana Jones!” placements. To apply, visit
gothinkbig.co.uk
10 Harry Amelia! The #ZOOTwittie

setting Big Brother ablaze

12 W.T.F! Un-bee-lievable World Lana Rose THE ZOO TEAM
EDITOR
Record broken! Damien McSorley 020 3227 7516
14 The David Haye Column EDITORIAL ASSISTANT/
16 Motors BMW 3.0 CSL Hommage ENTERTAINMENT WRITER
Harriet Notton 020 3227 7512
18 Your Shout!
DEPUTY EDITOR
20 Get Fact Giles Milton 020 3227 7518
22 Jokes ACTING FEATURES EDITOR
Joe Barnes 0203 227 7514
24 Reviews Films, games & music
28 TV Essentials
SPORTS EDITOR
James Ankobia 020 3227 7515
NEWS & GAMES EDITOR
James Wright 020 3227 7511
FEATURES JUNIOR WRITER
COVER & CONTENTS PHOTOGRAPHY: Richie Sambora. COVER & CONTENTS STYLING: Lisa Nicolaou. COVER & CONTENTS HAIR & MAKE-UP: Becky Rule

Drew Middleton 020 3227 7510

46 The world’s deadliest sniper ART DIRECTOR
Jonathan Coull 020 3227 7504
PICTURE EDITOR
SPORT Colin Williams 020 3227 7503
SENIOR PICTURE RESEARCHER
52 ZOO’s Football Awards Rachel Billings 020 3227 7502
2015 – as voted for by YOU!
60 Oisin Murphy’s Epsom

Derby preview
P8 PRODUCTION EDITOR
Jonathan Sever 020 3227 7509
CHIEF SUB-EDITOR
62 Lip Reading
Rob Buxton 020 3227 7508

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WEB & DIGITAL EDITOR
GIRLS
P46
Jon Moody 020 3227 7513
30 Lucy Collett presents... CONTRIBUTORS
Unbelievably Busty Babes!
COVER & CONTENTS PICS: Rex Features, PA Photos, Action Images, Fameflynet

Art David Botham, Richard Davis, Rod Edwards

Creative Retouching epc@bauer.com
Sixteen pages of supremely- Web Melaku Zenebe
Words Leon Poultney, Dan Brightmore
Work Experience Steven Ecott
stacked hotties!
48 “I’m always chilling in my lacy
PEOPLE IN TIDIER OFFICES / ADVERTISING /
lingerie at home” Introducing Essex MARKETING / OTHER STUFF
babe Lana Rose! Chief Executive Paul Keenan
Group Managing Director Abby Carvosso
Publisher Gareth Cherriman
66 #ZOOTwitties Personal Assistant To Paul Keenan Emma Knowles
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Group MD Advertising Richard Dunmall
Head Of Creative & Brand Solutions Clare Chamberlain
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Head Of Brands Remy Kirk

WHAT WE’VE Group Brand Director Hannah Preston 020 7295 8583
Media Planner John Donnachie 020 7295 5517
Film Account Director Liz Harriott 020 7295 8560

BEEN UP TO! Creative Solutions Manager Rick Williams 020 7295 6741

P60
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Comic Con for a ZOO Mates ZOO Hates Head Of Marketing Simon Doggett 020 7208 3519
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first-hand look at ● England’s ● Still suffering Head Of Consumer PR/Media Enquiries Jess Blake 020 7208 3424
women’s team with hangovers Syndication Executive Ryan Chambers 01733 468561
the new Batmobile in FIFA 16! on a Tuesday Production Manager Martin Dunphy 020 7241 8108
from the Arkham ● #ZOOTwitties ● No more Printer Polestar Bicester 01869 363333
going into the Big Never Mind
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 Luisa Zissman’s sun-drenched vacation in
Dubai is the party all men wish
they were invited too!

W
e like to think any girlie
holiday is crammed full
of tiny bikinis, drunken
high-jinx, frolics in the sea and
(hopefully) some behind closed
doors naked pillow fights.
At least, that’s what we hope
the order of business was for ex-
Apprentice finalist Luisa Zissman,
who jetted off to Dubai with her
cracking companions for a seriously
sunny – and sexy – hen do, last week.
PICS: Fame Flynet

Unfortunately for just about every

man in the world, we can’t bring you
any snaps of Luisa throwing pillows

4 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
 Lovely Luisa
suns herself
!

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 5
around in her undergarments. Tragic,
we know. But luckily, we do have loads
of steamy shots of Luisa and co in
their skimpy swimsuits, and judging
by the photos, the girls had plenty
of fun.
We even spotted Luisa’s
Apprentice buddy Dr Leah
Totton tagging along for the ride
in her Instagram snaps. Which
shouldn’t come as much of a
surprise, as Leah is 100 per cent
Luisa’s type: “I don’t have a
certain kind of man, but I’m
a lot fussier with women. They
have to be blonde, skinny and
have massive boobs!”
Who knows: maybe
some of Luisa’s trademark
sex party antics rubbed
off on the fair-haired
friends who joined her
in Dubai?
Well, we can always
dream, can’t we…

“I’M FUSSIER WITH WOMEN THAN MEN!”

6 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
IT’S APPRENTICE
WINNER LEAH
TOTTEN!

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 7
 THE ROCK
JOHNSON
EXCLUSIVE!
“I WANTED TO BE

SAN ANDREAS. WE’RE

GUESSING IT’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH
GRAND THEFT AUTO?
It’s a big disaster spectacle, but told from the point of view
of one man trying to save his family. It’s the human
element that always moves me, but at the same time it’s
a huge, gripping, relentless experience.
YOU WERE BORN IN EARTHQUAKE COUNTRY
PICS: PA Photos

IN HAYWARD, CALIFORNIA. WHAT’S IT LIKE

WHEN A QUAKE HITS?
It grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go! There’s no
 warning and the shifting tectonic plates can trigger
aftershocks, or even additional quakes. You just try to get
through it, minute-by-minute, and that’s what makes San
Andreas such a heart-pounding experience. It just keeps
coming at you!
SO, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CLOSE TO A REAL-LIFE
FORCE OF NATURE?
I was once stuck in a Category Five hurricane (the worst
of the lot, with wind speeds greater than 157mph) when
Hurricane Andrew hit Miami back in 1992. It almost
wiped out the city and lives were lost. It was frightening,
very scary, and some members of my family were lucky

“EARTHQUAKES
to survive. That’s Mother Nature’s wrath – she’s tough.
AS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST WWE WRESTLERS
EVER, DO YOU INSIST ON DOING ALL YOUR

DON’T LET YOU GO!”

OWN STUNTS?
There’s nothing with wings or wheels that I don’t operate:
I’ve even piloted a boat! San Andreas was very different
from other movies though, because it was absolutely
relentless. I have a great stunt double, but I want to do
everything. I guess I’m just crazy.
TALK US THROUGH THE CRAZIEST STUNT YOU’VE
EVER BEEN INVOLVED IN?
It would have to be one from my new film. The
earthquake causes a giant tsunami to crash into the San
Francisco bay, and we used 12,000 tons of steel to build
a water tank the size of a soccer field! We had buildings,
built to scale, and submerged in the tank to make the
action look as real as possible.
WHAT WAS YOUR SCARIEST MOMENT DURING
FILMING?
Well, I had to rappel out of a helicopter that’s 150-feet off
the ground for a scene where I’m rescuing a little girl.
She’s in a car hanging off the edge of a cliff-face that was
suspended another 50-feet off the ground!
DID YOU EVER IMAGINE YOU WOULD GROW UP
TO BE AN ICONIC MOVIE HERO?
When I was eight years old, I saw Raiders Of The Lost Ark
and I thought, “I wanna be that guy!” Indiana Jones is
charming, cool, he kicks ass and the ladies love him!
WE CAN’T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU HAVE A LOT
OF TATTOOS...
Tattoos are a big thing with me. Mine are cultural,
symbolic and date back centuries. They become very
powerful if you believe in what we, in the Polynesian
islands, call “mana”, meaning spirit. So many men and
women around the world get parts of my tattoo done
and show me. It’s awesome.
WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE A BIG ACTION HERO, BUT
WE HEARD YOU’RE SET TO STAR WITH KEVIN
HART IN A NEW COMEDY. GIVE US THE
LOWDOWN...
It’s an action comedy called Central Intelligence. Kevin
plays a boring accountant who was once the cool guy in
high school, and I play an old school friend he reconnects
with on Facebook. But I’m a rogue spy and drag him into
a world of intrigue.
WHAT’S THE STORY WITH FAST & FURIOUS 8?
WILL HOBBS BE MAKING A RETURN?
Of course – it can’t go on without Hobbs!
DO YOU THINK THEY WILL EVER GIVE HOBBS
HIS OWN SPIN-OFF MOVIE?
We are all interested in it and I just had a big
conversation with the studio. We’ll see…
HAVE YOU ENJOYED YOUR TIME IN BLIGHTY?
It’s been great! I’ve even managed to get into the
Guinness Book Of World Records at the San
Andreas premiere in Leicester Square,
where I did 105 red carpet selfies
with the fans in three minutes.
Beat that!

“I do my own stunts.
I have a stunt double,
but I guess SAN S
REAS I
I’m just crazy” A N D
OUT NOW
 EX C L U S I V E !

Think Big Brother’s naughty new

housemate Harry Amelia looks
familiar? Maybe it’s because she’s
a star of our incredibly rude #ZOOTwitties!

Y
ou know something’s
wrong with Big Brother
when the Eurovision
Song Contest is a more
appealing TV option.
Thankfully help is at hand,
because BB bosses have livened
up proceedings by parachuting
in none other than one of ZOO’s
rudest #ZOOTwitties around:
Harry Amelia.
The 22-year-old
Loughborough lovely was a
surprise addition to the house
last Friday, and we fully expect
the delicious part-time
dominatrix to bring some
much-needed naughtiness
to our evening viewing.
Don’t bother Googling her
though. This 34DD delight
frequently finds her Facebook
and Twitter accounts suspended
due to posting so much naked
goodness, so that’s why we did
the honourable thing and
B B 1 7 ’s l i a
e
H a r r y AOmO !
grabbed these tantalising
topless pictures as soon as
we heard the news.
in Z
The brown-eyed babe has

Z O O ’s to p
also reached out to your

Tw it ti e !
favourite magazine telling us,
“If the ZOO readers vote to
keep me in the house, I’ll do a
special shoot when I get out!”
We don’t know about you, but
ZOO will definitely pick up the
phone and dial her number…

10 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
COULD YOU
RUN FIFA? Wa n t e d :
a new
Sepp!

This latest corruption scandal rocked FIFA’s Presidential

election. But would you have what it takes to run sport’s
most popular – and squeaky clean – governing body?
START! I played
What professionally at
is your every level and
background command the respect
in football? of the football world

What was
your highlight
Er, nothing. But of the 2014
I don’t mind World Cup?
the sound of free
VIP tickets

My five-star hotel on
the Copacabana and The great stadia,
a free Swiss watch. That fans and free-
went straight on eBay! flowing football

Ethics: FIFA needs to be

what a transparent
is your agency, devoid
position? of corruption

Who
should
host the
2026 World
That Croatian lad at Cup?
Dnipro? I’d play him
in-behind the strikers

England: great
Er, have a heritage, passion
chat with my and classic grounds
accountant

What
about
expanding
to new The most
markets? important thing is
We hear football picking the right
in Antarctica is venue for fans
on the up…

You’re hired! Your very own You’re unsuccessful You’ve got

private jet is on the runway to take the right idea for running football,
you to your new Swiss mansion! so you’re not required at this time
 drop,
Drop for is
b ee tox in
n
adly tha
more de nake
rattle s
venom

EVERYTHING
TASTES OF
HONEY!

Born to BEE wild!

This ageing beekeeper’s world record attempt has been creating quite a buzz online.
It’s easy to see why...
Gao before
the stunt!
Mondays are always painful and
usually you’re trudging back to
work after a weekend of excessive
drinking. But spare a thought for
this chap in China, who spent his
start to the week breaking a world
record by covering himself head
to toe in 109kg of bees.
Gao Bingguo, a 55-year-old
beekeeper from Tai’an City, first
attached dozens of queen bees to
his person, then smashed the
previous record – 83.5kg – when
his colleagues poured the little
buzzers over him.
Apparently, there were 1.1
million bees on his person at the
PICS: Rex Features

stunt’s peak and, despite the

amazing success, it’s reported
Gao was stung 2,000 times.
He should have known there’d
be a painful sting in the tale…

12 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
 *

£9.99
DVD
£14.99
Blu-ray
exclusive
Blu-ray steelbook
™
 THE Email: Hayemaker@zootoday.com

N
   
ew IBF super middleweight champion A rematch between him and George Groves
James DeGale made history with a looks a mega fight now, especially if George can
fantastic display against Andre Dirrell. win the title in his next fight. You’ve
He really bossed the fight from the start with got the prospect of a unification
those two knockdowns in the second round, and bout between two British fighters
got the job done even after taking his foot off the with bad blood, so another
pedal and letting Dirrell back into the fight 80,000 Wembley sell-out
through the middle rounds. could be on the cards.
He follows in the footsteps of Nigel Benn and They can both
Lloyd Honeyghan, who went to America and beat bang and are
the home fighter to bring the world title back to vulnerable at
the UK. He is also the first British fighter to win an times. It will
Olympic Gold medal and a world title, so that’s his be mouth-
spot in the annals of boxing reserved forever. watering.

EMAIL YOUR QUESTIONS FOR DAVID TO HAYEMAKER@ZOOTODAY.COM

14 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
 50 no cents
So, 50 Cent’s boxing promotion
company SMS Promotions has
filled for bankruptcy. He had
some very talented fighters
on his roster like Billy Dib,
Yuriorkis Gamboa, James
Kirkland and even Andre
Dirrell at one stage, but none
of these guys are overly
marketable.
In boxing, it’s not always
the best fighters who sell the
most seats. 50 Cent still plans
to come back to the business,
so this is a lesson for him.

ASK
DAVID!
IN NEED OF A
HAYEMAKER
THIS WEEK…
STUPID
SHOPLIFTERS Britain’s hot talent
I’m all for Bianca Gascoigne’s Britain’s Got
A thief was busted stealing from a Talent-type search for strippers. If she needs
supermarket because he was doing it a judge, I’ll happily offer my professional opinion Who wins out of Carl
in a Manchester United shirt – with his on the contestants’ technical merits! Froch and Joe Calzaghe
own name on the back. BGT could probably do with more strippers in their prime?
This fella probably wishes he’d got on there, as it’s getting a bit tired now. Blokes MIKE GARLAND, HERTS
“Rooney” on there now. He’s clearly not making tunes with their armpits can quite easily It’s hard to say about
the smartest tool in the shed, and he be exchanged for a bunch of exotic dancers. two fighters from
should be put away just for stupidity. I’m sure they’ll go down well with Her Majesty different eras, especially
at the Royal Variety Performance. a fight like this. Both
have cast-iron chins and
have been dropped on

World Cup of fraud

What turmoil over at FIFA. They’ve dodged
occasion, but always got
up to win.
They also share
PICS: Alamy, Getty Images, Rex Features, Action Images, Offside

allegations of corruption for ages, so it’s good victories over a few of

to actually see officials finally being hauled to the same fighters, most
court to answer some of these accusations. notably Mikkel
That place seems to be run like an old boys’ Kessler, although
club and that’s the problem with these big Carl lost to him.
powerful organisations: people can quite As they’re both
easily abuse their power for financial gain. pals of mine, I’ll
They probably thought they had the best happily sit
gig in the world, but that won’t be the case if on the
they’re found guilty and get locked up. fence!

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 15

SUPER LIGHTWEIGHT
The BMW 3.0 CSL Hommage concept might be light on its feet but it packs a mean punch
T
he original BMW 3.0 CSL was one
of the most iconic cars of the 1970s,
earning the nickname “Batmobile”
thanks to its ludicrous rear wing and
finger-slicingly sharp styling. Now, BMW
16 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
MOTORS
has released a modern version of its
lightweight weapon at the swanky
Concorso d’Eleganza Villa d’Este and
it’s an absolute brute.
Power comes from a 3.0-litre straight-
six engine with newfangled “e-boost”
technology. The German marque has
remained tight-lipped about what this
actually means, but suffice to say it will
likely involve turbos and bum-bursting
power. The new 3.0 CSL looks savage too,
with an extensive use of super-lightweight
carbonfibre making up the extremely
muscular, ultra-aerodynamic exterior.
Inside, the cockpit has been completely
stripped back in homage to the racers of
the ’70s, while neat tech touches – such
as a digital display on the steering column
and Batman-inspired steering wheel –
give it a futuristic finish. And then there’s
that famous rear wing, which extends
past the rear flanks of the car and now
neatly houses a strip of cutting-edge
LED laser lighting.
There is no word on a release date
just yet, but it could herald the arrival
of a super-feisty M4 model somewhere
down the line.
 MORE
Motoring News

Rapid Golf R400 spied

A molten hot 400PS (395bhp) Golf R has been spied
while it was out on a test drive, confirming rumours
that a bat-sh*t crazy VW hatch is on the horizon. With
4Motion four-wheel-drive and that much power, expect
the 0-62mph dash to be spanked in a supercar-

B a t m a n - in s p ir e d shaming 3.9 seconds.

s t y li n g !

Renault unveils Kwid crossover

The Kwid concept looked promising, but the final
production-ready version isn’t much to get excited
about. It’s a tiny SUV geared towards emerging
markets, so expect a tiny price tag to boot. No firm
plans for a European model yet. Probably for the best.

Evora 400 is Lotus’ fastest

The mid-mounted 3.5-litre supercharged V6 in the
Evora 400 develops a staggering, er, 400bhp, meaning
it can reach 60mph from a standstill in just 4.1 seconds.
It’s the fastest Lotus around its test track and also one
of the most expensive – at a whopping £72k!

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 17
  Ė ē LETTERS! ē Ė ē LIKES! ē Ė ē SPA

Become a ZOO legend by sending in your best pics and general madness!

S OF
TH E W E E K !
Welcome
to the land
down nder
I thought you’d like this pic
from our family holiday. Check
out my bro’s snapper skills!
LUKE BELL, via email
Talk about digging deep
to win: you’ve smashed it,
SEND EMAIL YOURSHOUT@ZOOTODAY.COM Luke! For your Tom Daley-
YOUR MAD T 778 21 * I T esque efforts, you’ve won
MO ENTS AND a Blu-ray player and a home
PICS TO... F EB E /Z AZINE entertainment bundle!

18 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
M! ē Ė ē PRIZES! ē 
Ė ē 
 Ĕ  Ė JOEY SANHAM
Bexley

Cock and ball story!

I ordered sweet and sour
chicken balls. And then this MY
MATE
turned up from my takeaway…
JAKE H, via email
Blimey – they’ve only

LOOKS
gone and cocked up your
order, Jake!

We jammin’
LIKE!
While cutting out cement between bricks, my grinder jammed. e
When it released, it sliced through my arm, just missing the Harry Kan
Sent in by
tendons, artery and bone. I felt so lucky!
JAMIE DODDS, via email
on
You may feel lucky, but it still looks gross, Jamie!
Brian Wils

Light saber
I was alone in the office when
I discovered a loo roll tube fits
perfectly over our UV lights.
Ball boy Needless to say, no work was
This happened while playing tennis recently, after a ball smashed

©2014 Georgia Film Fund Twenty-Eight, LLC. All Rights Reserved

done for the rest of the day… HARRY KANE

© 2015 Lionsgate Home Entertainment UK. All Rights Reserved

into my ankle!
MICHAEL LEACH, via email KEITH, via email White Hart Lane
By the looks of it, the ball smashed through the skin! Unless going “neeeuuuumm”
and play fighting counts as
work, Keith?

Shout Of The
Week wins a
Meet my Jack Blu-ray player
Russell, Satan and a copy of
(on account of Vice on Blu-ray,
Crap tatt him looking so
menacing all
plus an action
Blu-ray bundle,
My mate Jakey got his first the time!) courtesy of
tattoo last week in Benidorm! Lionsgate Home
LIAM, via email Entertainment
STEVE, via text He looks pretty
happy to us, Liam!
One we fear he might live
PICS: Offside

to regret, Steve.
*Each week we select any number of photos/jokes from the entries we receive for publication in ZOO, and select one photo/joke as the “Shout/Joke Of The Week”, which will win that week’s prize.
The Competition is ongoing and your photo/joke may be selected for publication or as a prize-winning entry in any week during the Competition. Only winning submissions will receive a prize – no
other publication fee is payable. All prizes must be claimed within six weeks of publication (after which time prizes will be passed on to the runner-up). Entry is free, although your standard network
rate will apply for text entries. You should always get the permission of the person who pays the bills before entering. This is not a subscription service. For Your Shout/Jokes the prize will vary each
week during the competition. Full terms and conditions for all competitions featured in the magazine can be found on our website at www.zootoday.com/legal/agb.
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 19
 The flu virus can
survive on a bank note
for more than two weeks
The Shining was so
11
Crashes by Google’s
poorly received upon
release it was nominated
driverless cars in the
for two Razzie awards past four years

Iran tried to develop kamikaze

dolphins, fitting the mammals with
explosives to attack submarines

Vin Diesel’s real name

is Mark Sinclair
$300,000
There was a team of
Jewish assassins called The croissant may
“The Avengers” who be thought of as one
tracked down and of the most iconic
executed Nazi war French foods, but it is
criminals after WWII actually Austrian Paid to Hilar y Clinton
The largest crater
on the moon is 1,600
There is a piece of
literature dating to
recently for a universit y
miles across and up around 1,500 BC about visit. Discounted,
to 3.7 miles deep
Michael Jackson
a poor man and his
quest for beer
apparently...
wanted to do 1. Hippo milk Carlo Ancelotti is
a Harry Potter is blue
the 12th manager
musical, but to be sacked by Real
J K Rowling Madrid in nine seasons
said no
TRUE OR FALSE ANSWERS: 1 F – It’s actually pink 2 T 3 T

£85
billion
Estimated
amount
of money
PICS: Rex Features, Offside

2. Russia has a larger

surface area than Pluto Height of a mas t t ower in launder ed v ia
3. You can’t hum while t he A mazon rainf or es t t o mat ch f i x ing
holding your nose monit or t he at mospher e and in spor t
climat e change ever y year
20 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
 Go-karting in
Marbella!
Airgun battles
in Krakow!
Hitting casinos
in Newcastle!
W 
hether it’s your
mate’s stag do or
your own, or you
and the boys just want a top
lads’ holiday somewhere
new, ZOO Stag Dos is your
only destination.
We’ve got all the best
cities across Europe covered,
plus the hottest new clubs,
top activities and VIP bars
ready to make your weekend
an unforgettable* one – all
PICS: everynight.co.uk
at a price that suits you.
We’ll take care of
everything – flights, hotels
ZOOTODAY.COM/STAGDO
VIP bar-hopping
in Ibiza!
Quad biking in
Nottingham!
You want it? ZOO
Stag Dos does it…
and bookings – so you won’t
have to worry about sorting
out the paintballing with a
banging hangover. What’s
more, we’ll also fix you up
with your own customised
ZOO Stag Dos T-shirts, a
*Depends entirely on the number of Jägerbombs consumed
bottle of Jägermeister and
six free digital copies of your
favourite men’s weekly.
So what are you waiting
for? Book yourself onto a
ZOO Stag Dos trip today.
Go to zootoday.com/stagdo
and let the mayhem
commence.
 Distance training Ill communication
Before you ever criticise I answered the phone
someone, walk a mile today and all I heard
in their shoes. was sneezing.
That way, F**king cold
you’re a mile callers!
away, and you BEN HART,
have their shoes JOKEREEOKF ! Via email
THE W
BRIAN,
Via email
Food frenzy
I was the photographer ROB BECKETT
at a vegan wedding
this weekend.
I’m moving to
They kept Coronation Street.
getting mad
Funny looking blokes
when I asked
them to say getting fit birds? GENIUS ONE-LINER
“cheese”.
PAUL JONES, Tottenham
I’d clean up! I used to be
Loo-sing hope Ghostly claims a pantomime
Someone broke into
a police station and
stole the toilet.
I failed to pay an
exorcist to properly horse. I quit while
get rid of the ghost
Police are looking
into it, but they have
haunting my house.
Now, my home’s
I was a head.
STEWART
*Texts are free, but standard network charges apply. For full terms & conditions see page 19

nothing to go on. been repossessed.

LEN, Devon CAL MACKAY, Newhaven

Crystal clear FRANCIS

My local funeral directors
have started to advertise
a new glass coffin.
Will it be popular?
Remains to be seen!
MICHAEL HARGREAVES,
Pontefract

G E T I N! EMAIL JOKES@ZOOTODAY.COM

TOUCH
TXT 07786202210* TWITTER @ZOO
FACEBOOK FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE

22 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM

Squeaky
clean
I’ve started to play
football with a team
made up of people
who work in a
laundry.
We’re no good
Rob Beckett’s Mouth Of The South UK tour kicks off in September. For details, visit robbeckettcomedy.com
up front, but great at
keeping clean sheets.
ROBBIE SMITH,
via email
Easily pleased
PICS: Alamy, Alpha Press. ILLUSTRATION: The Boy Fitz Hammond (tbfh.com)
As a moth, I used to
think life was shallow
and futile, with very little
to get excited about.
Then, I saw the light.
RORY KEAL,
Winchester
Bready
clever
I just heard a woman
say she only ever eats
Mountainous brown bread. As if there’s
mind-set anything else you can
do with it.
Have you ever wondered ADAM HESS
why mountain climbers @ADAMHESS1
rope themselves
together? Sneaky
It’s to stop the axis
Never go into business
sensible ones going
with someone who’s
home. obsessed with graphs.
PAUL, via email They’ll always be plotting
behind your back.
TONY COWARDS
All about @TONYCOWARDS
the accent Social
Mamma Mia: classic
Abba track, or a leech
Sometimes when I’m
Yorkshire kid telling his
feeling lonely, I remember
mum he’s arrived? that I’m part of the nation’s
STEVEN, via text largest, most reliable
4G network.
Speedy advice BLOPT
@BLOPT
Chris is going speed
dating and is very
nervous, so he asks his
Grave
JACK WHITEHALL
mate Michael for some
mistake
I love Countdown. It’s advice. “The key to
Broke into the home of
a Goodfellas actor, but
a British institution, like a woman’s heart is to got caught by his children.
I’d have got away with it
Doctor Who. Every couple
agree with whatever she too, if it wasn’t for those
says,” says Michael. Pesci kids.
of years, the main guy “Whatever she likes, JAMES MARTIN
@PUNDAMENTALISM
dies and is then regenerated say you like as well.
Whatever her interests
by another white man.
are, say they’re your
interests.”
Chris arrives at the
speed-dating centre and
finds himself sat in front
of a gorgeous brunette.
“I won’t waste time,” she
CAPTION COMPETITION!
Tweet or text us your wittiest caption to get your name
begins. “I like nothing
more than going down Joker Of The Week wins
in the mag, using #CAPTIONCOMP an Xbox One and a ZOO
on a bloke all night!” goodie bag!
“Me, too!” says Chris.
KEVIN,
via email
WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 23

Plug yourself into this week’s hottest entertainment, featuring the best films, games, music and DVDs
Spy
We wouldn’t blame you for
quickly dismissing the idea of
a spy comedy starring Jude
Law, Jason Statham, Melissa
McCarthy and Miranda Hart.
But what if we told you it’s one
of the funniest films to grace
the big screen in months? Now
we’ve got your attention…
When Bradley Fine (Jude
Law, having a go at being Bond)
is swiftly killed by a seductive
villain (Rose Byrne) on a CIA
mission, it’s down to his usually
desk-bound second in
24 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
Essential ★★★★★ Excellent ★★★★✩
Good ★★★✩✩ Average ★★✩✩✩ Poor ★✩✩✩✩
FILM
of the week!
command Susan (McCarthy) to
take the reigns and go off on
her own espionage adventure,
and avenge the death of her
partner. Cue hilarious new
identities, cracking one-liners
and epic kills.
We’re not sure whether it’s
Jason Statham’s ability to mock
himself so entertainingly, or
Miranda Hart and 50 Cent’s
awkward kiss that made it
so good. But you have to
witness the craziness in all its
cinematised glory. ★★★★✩
 DVD! MUSIC!

American Sniper
If there’s a man you’d want on
your side in a war-torn country,
it’s Chris Kyle. With the most
kills in American military
history (around 255), he took
down threats to the US and
protected his comrades with
pinpoint accuracy.
Jamie xx
In Colour
This Clint Eastwood- If you like bass so pumping the
directed blockbuster is the house three doors down feels
story of Kyle’s life, with Bradley the judders, In Colour will
Cooper playing the valiant suit you down to the ground, as
marksman and Sienna Miller Jamie xx (better known for his
his loyal wife. If humbling role in The XX) carves a name
displays of patriotism are your for himself as a solo artist.
thing, buy this. ★★★★✩ Gosh sets the tone, with
minimal vocals and an
underground sound, but the
track you’ll love most is Obvs,
featuring a mental mix of steel
drumming atop hardcore beats.
If you want to look cool in
front of your mates, put this
on at your next BBQ. ★★★★✩

ZOO’S
HOT
FIVE Slaves
Are You Satisfied?
Paul Weller
Saturns Pattern
Major Lazer
Peace Is The Mission
The Vaccines
English Graffiti
Alesso Forever
If European EDM is your

CUTS
Raucous rock from the The Modfather takes a The perfect LP, brimming After a promising start, thing, look no further. If
streets of Tunbridge more synthy turn for his with summer anthems. it soon becomes pretty you like your house hard,
Wells. ★★★★★ 12th outing. ★★★★✩ ★★★★✩ forgettable. ★★★✩✩ give it a swerve. ★★★✩✩

We watch
it so you THIS WEEK Digging Up The Marrow
don’t have Desperate to find out if monsters are real, these filmmakers
to! encounter a strange man with a terrifying secret…

Main man Adam Adam gets on an

has burned the BBQ aeroplane and
– and landed in falls asleep. This
his girlfriend’s is thrilling.
bad books. Adam makes a fine
An eight-legged snack for a monster
TIMELINE WORDS: Steven Ecott

A slimy ghoul tries beast makes an that eats him in his

to get up close and uninvited visit. sleep. The end.
personal. No, it’s Again, not Piers…
not Piers Morgan…
TOTAL RUN TIME 88 MINUTES

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 25

San Andreas
Should you frequent Channel
5’s bank holiday schedule, you’ll
be familiar with The Towering
Inferno and Earthquake – films
where “mild peril” is cast aside
for gory deaths of star names.
In this latest big-budget
26 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
actioner, Dwayne “The Rock”
Johnson gives these classic
disaster films a huge nod, as
his helicopter rescue pilot
embarks on a frantic mission
to save his daughter (Alexandra
Daddadrio – yes, that topless
hottie from True Detective)
from imminent death in San
Francisco – and win back his
estranged wife (Carla Gugino)
after The Big One hits.
With huge action set pieces,
more modes of transport than a
FILM
of the week!
Premier League footballer and
one moment of classic Rock
it doesn’t matter it’s so cheesy,
fromage clogs your veins.
If you can keep your tongue
firmly in your cheek, it’s ground
shaking fun. ★★★✩✩
 Kajaki
h

In the heart of the Afghan

desert, a valiant troop
of British and Irish
squaddies prepare for a
List
DVD!
ALL THE LATEST ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

long stint away from their

loved ones. With their
camp set up, they venture
out into the isolated
depths of the enemy land.
But when they get to the
desired location, what
awaits them is truly
devastating. Harrowing
and humbling, this heroic
true story will stay with
you for days. ★★★★★ Even Madder Max
Mad Max: Fury Road was adrenaline-packed from start to finish,
Kingsman DVD! and now a spin-off is already in the works. Rumour has it director
George Miller wants The Wasteland to focus on the ruthless
Gary Unwin (Taron
Egerton) is a wayward Furiosa (Charlize Theron), the destructive soldier who wreaked
youngster, destined for havoc. Let’s hope it’s got as many badass cars and explosions.
a life of crime. However,
when it’s revealed his
dad was a member of
Kingsman – a very cool
spy organisation, run by
Michael Caine – a door is
opened by Colin Firth to
apply. With big names,
big action and a cracking
debut from Egerton,
if Tarantino did Bond,
it would look something
like this. ★★★★✩

Splattoon GAME!
Nintendo has tried and
failed many times to
bring a big name
shoot-’em-up to its Empire vs The Walking Dead
consoles. But in recent Zombie-mad George A Romero has revealed his latest undead
years, even the likes venture – a TV series to rival The Walking Dead! It’s based on
of Call of Duty have Romero’s comic books Empire Of The Dead and tries to one-up
struggled for success. Rick Grimes and co by featuring plenty of flesh-eating maniacs
That issue has now been – and vampires! Count us in.
resolved, thanks largely
to this addictive family
friendly shooter – to CoD
what Mario Kart is to
racing. We expect it to
have almost as big a
following soon. ★★★★✩

Inherent Vice DVD!

Joaquin Phoenix dons
a hippie shirt as an LA
private eye figuring out
an ex’s mysterious
disappearance. Followed
every step of the way
by Josh Brolin’s police
detective and Reese
BREAKING NEWS WORDS: Steven Ecott

Witherspoon’s attorney,
he’s soon caught in a
web of kidnap, murder
and heroin smuggling.
Dotted with bizarre
cameos, it feels over-
stretched and rarely
intriguing. ★★★✩✩
The White Stripes are dead and buried
Ex-White Stripes axeman Jack White has admitted that former
bandmate Meg White “doesn’t even pick up her phone” now.
When quizzed about a possible reunion he reiterated, “Nope,
that time has gone.” With their relationship more like the
Gallaghers than the Chuckle brothers, don’t expect to rock out
in an area to the strains of Seven Nation Army any time soon.

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 27
 Sky Movies
Premiere
Denzel Washington
returns with a bang as
retired tough guy,
Robert McCall, who
single-handedly takes
CHAMPIONS
Sky Sports 1
down a vicious crew of
Russian gangsters as
he protects vulnerable
LEAGUE FINAL European giants
Barcelona and
Chloe Grace Moretz.

SATURDAY Juventus battle

it out at the
Olympiastadion,
Berlin, for the biggest

6 JUNE 6 PM prize in club football.

THE EQUALIZER
FRIDAY
5 JUNE
8 PM The definitive TV guide, picking the must-see shows, so you don’t have to!

THE FRENCH
OPEN FINAL
SUNDAY
7 JUNE
1.30 PM
British
Eurosport
Will someone emerge
to knock five-in-a-row
winner, Rafa Nadal,
off his Paris perch as
tennis’ top stars go
head to head for 2015’s
second Grand Slam.

ALSO UNMISSABLE
Will Ferrell is an
ex-Olympic skater
forced to pair up with
his main rival in
order to compete in
Blades Of Glory, BBC
One, 11.15pm.

28 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM
 LIVE AT THE APOLLO
MONDAY
8 JUNE
9 PM SONS OF LIBERTY
TUESDAY
9 JUNE
10 PM
5 JUNE
Comedy History FRIDAY
Rebel armies wage
Central war with British T20 BLAST: YORKSHIRE
Mark Watson and
Irishman Andrew
settlers in Boston,
Massachusetts as the
vs LANCASHIRE, 6 PM
Maxwell join Rich early rounds of the
Hall for a night of American Revolution Sky Sports 2
laughs in London. kick off. The War Of The Roses heads to
Headlingley, as two old foes smash
each other for T20 glory!

6 JUNE

THE DERBY, 1.30 PM

Channel 4
MURDER IN SUCCESSVILLE A huge day for British horse racing
as one of the biggest races on the
flat takes place at Epsom.

WEDNESDAY
10 JUNE
BBC Three
Expect plenty of
celebrities biting
the bullet as they’re
slain, only for their
murder to be
solved by another 7 JUNE
10 PM comedy cameo.
S NDAY
UFC: FI T NIGHT, 1 AM
BT Sport 1
AMERICAN DAD! Fox
Stan is on the search
UFC lightweight champ Urijah Faber
renews his rivalry with Frankie Edgar.
Who will prevail?

THURSDAY
for a new home for the
Smiths, while Hayley
decides to go blonde
to gain more attention.

11 JUNE
10 PM 7 JUNE
S DAY
C A I GP, 6.25 PM
Getty Images, Action Images
PICS: Offside, Rex Features,

BBC One
Can Lewis Hamilton (and his pit crew)
put their Monaco mix-up behind them
and triumph in Montreal?

WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM 29
Lucy Collett

l l s i n t o p r e s e n t
r a u n c h y r e d h e a d ro
Z O O ’s favo u r i te - p a g e b o o b b o n a n z a ! s not much
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ere was no an modelli
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I  
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f her tradema one better to t busty babes. Well, apart fr uld combine the
m es m erize nes nau t? I sho
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to of Britain’s fi cy…
astro
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voluptuous cu n reel you in. D E L ? U’VE NOT
soo IS IT BEING A M O WORLD! YO TIME IN
bosoms will h ard H
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t mn cool! It’s
of an exper It’s pretty da CENTLY…
As somewhat asted, et me w ro n g. F or
COUNTRY RE ng
ings big -b re o rk, don ’t g T H E
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Lucy took tim us through orl
lk s of squats w around the w
schedule to ta e lo ad
and no w m y th ighs
liday with th the camera –
her recent ho we soon came
and
Page 3 girls,
30 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
Lucy Collett
Presents...
“Scarlett
Johansson is
the perfect
busty babe!”
to Thailand for a while and then
as soon as I got back, I jetted
off to Portugal with my fellow
Page 3 babes!
SOUNDS GREAT. WHAT
TALES OF DEBAUCHERY
HAVE YOU GOT FOR US?
Thailand was full of booze,
strippers and go-go bars.
In Phuket, I ended up with
strippers necking shots off my
boobs. Then, I joined in and
started doing shots off them!
Portugal was less raucous: we
just got really p*ssed drinking
Jagermeister and ended up
singing along to the Spice Girls!
SO, YOU’RE NOT TOTALLY
WILD ON NIGHTS OUT?
Not to start with, no. Some of
the girls are shy, but when we
go out they’re bound to find a
pole and be like, “Hello!” Get
a bit of booze down our necks
and we turn into animals!
NO WONDER PEOPLE LOVE
YOUR SNAPCHATS...
I’m always having fun with my
Snapchat stories. I took loads
of videos of me and the Page
3 girls in Portugal and had
hundreds of people tweeting
me saying, “I wish I was Lucy
right now” – simply because
I was surrounded by all those
lovely models.
SINCE YOU SPEND SO
MUCH TIME ON HOLIDAY,
DO YOU HAVE MANY
FOREIGN FANS?
I probably get noticed more
abroad than I do in the UK.
I was out in Indonesia and
apparently I’ve got loads of fans
over there I didn’t know about.
People were asking to meet me,
so I tweeted where I was and
loads of people turned up. I’m
also big in Peru: there’s
Paddington Bear and me!
 Lucy Collett WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST
Presents... ABOUT THE UK WHEN
YOU’RE AWAY?
My PlayStation 4! I still haven’t
really been home to play on it
yet, so I think I’ll be skipping
my summer holiday to be
huddled up at home. Even if
it’s sunny outside, I’ll just be
on my PlayStation!
ARE YOU WORRIED YOU
MIGHT SCARE OFF BLOKES
BY OUT-GAMING THEM?
I’ve had guys over for dates and
they’re always quite shocked by
the PS4 in my lounge, but we
always end up playing on it.
I like playing strip Injustice
League: whoever loses has to
take off an item of clothing!
HAVE YOU EVER USED
YOUR BOOBS AS A CRAFTY
DISTRACTION WHILE
GAMING?
All the time! If I’m ever losing at
Strip Injustice, all I have to do is
stand up in my underwear with
my boobs on full display and
then guys can’t take their eyes
off of me. Then, I beat them!
WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE
BUSTY BABE?
I love Kelly Hall: she’s one of
my bezzie mates and a little
pocket rocket. I’ve got loads
of videos of us snogging on
my phone from when we go
out together…

34 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 “I’m big in
Peru - me and
Paddington
Bear!”

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 35
 Lucy Collett
Presents...

36 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 WOW! WHICH OTHER
GIRLS WOULD MAKE YOUR
ULTIMATE BOOBY SHOOT?
It’s really hard to choose as
they’re all really lovely. I’d go
for myself, Mellisa Clarke,
Jessica Davies and Joey Fisher!
Imagine if it was superhero-
themed? We’d all be bursting
out of Catwoman costumes!
WHAT WOULD BE YOUR
SUPERPOWER OF CHOICE?
I’d love to be able to fly. How
nice would it be to just jump
up and go? But then again, how
cool would it be to be invisible?
I’d be able to sneak in to all of
ZOO’s girl shoots for a perv!
WHO IS THE PERFECT
BUSTY BABE?
Scarlett Johansson! She looks
incredible in that tight suit she
wears as Black Widow in The
Avengers. There’s nothing
better than seeing a girl in
tight leather. I’d definitely get
her into my team of heroines
– The Avengerboobs!

F li p fo r L u c y ’s
b e s t b u s ty b a b e s !

UNSEEN
RUDE PICS!

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TO 87474
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right to your phone!*
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WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 37
 Even more....

Charlotte Springer
With a body to die for, some people
even say Charlotte’s Britain’s very own Kim Kardashian!

Sabine Libby Smith

Let’s hope the lovely Latvian-turned-Londoner is here The owner of Brum’s best boobs – and a prime example why
to stay, as she’s a mighty fine import. her home county should be renamed the Chest Midlands.

38 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 LUCY
SAYS...
“Joey has the
boobs to end all
boobs! We’ve had a
nipple war together:
it’s like thumb war,
but better!”

Gracie Lewis
Gracie loves to walk
around in the nude. That
benefits one
person: you!

Arabella Durkin
This Cheshire cutie’s
friends say she’s
indecisive. Our mind’s
made up: we absolutely
love her bustiness.

Scarlet Bouvier
Scarlet loves wearing
something tight on
a night out. What she
wears on her nights in
is a different story. Joey Fisher
She’s best friends with fellow booby babe, Leah Francis.
As if you needed another reason to like Joey…

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 39
 Beth Lily
She’s been a big hit since
her introduction to ZOO
this year. Her popularity’s
not the only thing that is
huge about Beth!

LUCY
SAYS...
“Beth’s boobs
are huge! What’s
not to love about
massive
boobs?”

40 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 Even more....

Lacey Banghard Sammy Braddy

ZOO’s queen of the selfie has Top boob scientists once
graced Page 3 and the Celebrity decreed she owns the world’s
Big Brother house, thanks to her best breasts. No wonder she
very own vote winners. brought them out of retirement.

Kelly Hall
ZOO’s pocket rocket loves
to show off her assets.
And you all know that
age-old saying about the
best things and small
packages.

Casey Batchelor
She may be on a seven-month sex break, but that’s not
stopping her from stripping off. Let’s hear it for racy Casey!

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 41
 Stacey Poole
The boobalicious brunette
Barnsley babe possesses
a perfect pair of 32Fs,
which rival the Pennines
as the Pride Of Yorkshire.

Lissy Cunningham
Marvellous Manc Lissy
proves United and
City aren’t the only
heavyweights from the
metropolis of Manchester.

LUCY
SAYS...
“I’ve spent lots
of time weighing
Stacey’s boobs. Claudia Dean
I think she needs Claudia was one of our go-to
to hire a personal girls when Keith Lemon took
boob holder!” over the ZOO office. It’s
a wonder he got any work
done at all.

42 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 Even more....

LUCY
SAYS...
“I’ve run out
Holly Peers of compliments for
Holly, so all I’ll say
Hottie Holly has admitted
is her boobs are
she’s obsessed with the
absolutely
gym. If ever there was an
fantastic!”
incentive to squeeze into
ill-fitting Lycra, that’s it!

Sophie Reade
The Big Brother champion
struggles to find
underwear that contains
her enormous boobs.
Why struggle, Sophie?

Sophie Rose
Chelsea may have walked to the Premier League title, but
Jose should watch out: Sophie’s the real Special One!
 LUCY
SAYS...
“She’s got a small
figure and great big
boobs. And let’s not
forget she’s also
a sexy blonde
bombshell!”

Hannah Elizabeth
Scouse sensation Hannah is a boxing ring girl. And it’s fair
to say if she’s on the bill, she’s a guaranteed knockout.

Rachel Williams Alice Goodwin

A ZOO discovery and bona fide internet legend, Rachel Our resident naughty girl is no stranger to stripping off
is a big star in more ways than one. for ZOO. No wonder she keeps being invited back…

44 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 Even more....

LUCY
SAYS...
“Rosie’s boobs
are so wonderful
and pert: they’re
perfect girl next
door boobies.”

Rosie Jones
Rosie needs no
introduction. But in
case you don’t know
who she is, she’s got
some very obvious
distinguishing points.

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 45
 T E WORLD’S
DEAD
ZOO meets sergeant Craig Harrison, the man responsible for
the longest-ever sniper kill...

A
fter spending almost his entire
working life serving in Bosnia,
Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan,
sergeant Craig Harrison – of Her Majesty’s
Household Cavalry – saw his world flipped
upside down when he claimed the longest-ever
sniper kill. This is his story…
HELLO, CRAIG. IS BEING A SNIPER THE
TOUGHEST ROLE IN THE MILITARY?
I wouldn’t say that, but it’s one of the most vital
positions. If you have a sniper at your disposal,
you can hold up an entire Army with your
precision shooting. You’re the one taking out
key personnel and signalmen, and you’re there
to cause panic by taking out the guy sitting
eating his food: that causes mayhem. A sniper
can cause a hell of a lot of damage!
HOW PERSONAL IS A SNIPER’S KILL?
You’re looking through a high-powered scope
that can magnify a target by up to 50 times. It’s
like looking at someone from across a table –
but I’m sitting in a hide 600 metres away.
I know the colour of their hair, their eyes and
what they’ve been doing for the last few hours
PICS: PA Photos, Stuart Freeman

of their life. As a sniper, we’re there to gather

as much information as possible before we get
the call to pull the trigger.
DID YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF IN ANY
PARTICULARLY STICKY SITUATIONS?
We were stationed in an outpost in Iraq. It was

SGT HARRISON
46 WWW.ZOOTODAY.COM I N C O M B AT !
 L L E D
“ I K IL I BA N
A TA A D E R
LE 2,500
F R O ME T R E S ” T H E TA R G E T S !
M basically 10 minutes walk from our main base at
Basra Palace, but it would take us two-and-a-half
intelligence suggested there was a plot to kidnap
and murder me because one of the Taliban I’d
hours to drive as the insurgents were smashing killed was a leader. I had to go into hiding for
us from every angle. At night, the gates of hell almost two years under police protection.
would open, and bullets rained down on us. I was DOES THE THREAT STILL WORRY YOU?
sniping from a multi-storey building as they fired Not as much now, but in the Army we are always
RPGs at our oil tankers just below. Luckily for taught about the “what if” factor. The police are
us, they failed to arm the grenades properly, so still aware of the situation and that helps make
they didn’t detonate. it more comfortable. But we still have to watch
AS A SNIPER, HOW DID YOU EVER TURN what we do. One minute you could be opening
THE TIDE OF WAR? a door and the next minute, you’re gone.
Most probably on the day of my longest kill. HAVE YOU GOT ANY BATTLE SCARS?
I’d led my men into what turned out to be a killing A few. I went into a firefight where my wagon was
zone. It was a complete stalemate! The Taliban shot around 136 times. I was hit in the helmet and
had a scout marshalling their troops, who we the round went right through the top and luckily
could hear on the radio. They flooded the field we missed my head. It left me knocked out for 20
were crossing leaving us stranded, so I managed seconds and when I came round, I was hit
to ward off the scout with nine missed shots.
But then the nomads cleared off, leaving their
tents and their fires. I thought I had been spotted “I had two bullets
and was expecting to be flanked, so I had to
think quickly.
TELL US HOW YOU MANAGED TO PULL
in the air, three
OFF YOUR LONGEST KILL.
Expecting an incoming attack any minute, my
seconds apart”
through my body armour. That
bullet exited out of my side.
My driver at the time saved
me, because I would have fallen out of the door
spotter and I frantically scanned the landscape,
if he hadn’t dragged me back in. I spent a day in
looking for hostiles. I came across two Taliban
a field ambulance as we were so far forward,
soldiers taking up position on a belt-fed machine
suffering from concussion, whiplash and
gun. I knew my calculations from my last shots
vomiting. I had to tell the doctor I was fine as
and proceeded to fire. My first shot missed, so
I wanted to get back to the lads in the fight.
I readjusted my sights and fired again. This time,
WHAT WAS YOUR WORST EXPERIENCE?
it was a hit! I then fired on the second target,
I spent our time in Kosovo digging up mass
quickly bolted the gun and fired again. I had two
graves. We were completely helpless. As we
bullets in the air about three seconds apart. The
patrolled at the border near Pristina, the
first missed, but the second hit. I had picked
Serbs were shooting at us all the time but we
them off from almost 2,500 metres out.
weren’t allowed to shoot back. We got absolutely
AND THIS MADE YOU A DIRECT TARGET
smashed in Kosovo.
FOR AL-QAEDA…
My story was leaked to the press and the lads
and me were interviewed after our medal parade.
They took a particular interest in my world Sgt Craig Harrison’s full story,
record shots and as the story came out in the The Longest Kill: The Story Of
papers, I was told to enjoy the limelight. Then Maverick 41, is out now through
the next day I received another call saying Sidgwick & Jackson
 Even more...

Lana Rose
The hypnotic, hazel-eyed Essex girl on running from bouncers,
messy bikini-clad holidays – and being treated like a queen...

48 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
Y
  
ou may remember
Lana Rose from
when ZOO
proclaimed her as a “Babe
To Watch In 2015”. Now,
the gorgeous, 19-year-old
dancer is making her
official debut – and our
eyes are marvellously
magnetised towards the
wondrous Essex-born
stunner.
With eye-catching
34Es and the cheekiest of
pearly smiles, Lana’s
natural flirtiness would
bring the boogie to any
dancefloor.
Here, we learn about
her flexible talents and
naughty nights out…

WELCOME BACK TO
ZOO, LANA! WHAT’S
IT LIKE MAKING YOUR
OFFICIAL DEBUT?
Really exciting! I’m
looking forward to seeing
myself on the shelves!
HOW WOULD
YOUR MATES
DESCRIBE YOU?
A really chatty, crazy
nutter! They’d say I can’t
shut up. And have
I already said crazy?
YOU HAVE! HOW
DO YOU ACT ON
A NIGHT OUT?
I’m happy and I dance. If
I get very drunk, then I’m
really stupid. I feel kind

AGE: 19
HOMETOWN: Leigh-on-Sea
BRA SIZE: 34E
HEIGHT: 5ft 7in
FAVOURITE DRINK:
Vodka & Red Bull
FAVOURITE FILM: Gone Girl
FAVOURITE TV SHOW: Big
Brother and I’m A Celebrity…
DREAM THREESOME:
Leonardo DiCaprio and
Cristiano Ronaldo
HIDDEN TALENT: Dancing!

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 49
 Even more...

“We’re always
going sunbathing
hungover!”

50 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
of invincible when I’m
drunk, like I can do
anything. Especially
anything naughty…
NAUGHTY LIKE A
CRIMINAL – OR IN
A SEXY WAY?
I went outside a club once
and they wouldn’t let me
back in. So I just ran
inside. I was getting
chased by the security
guards, sprinting away
from them. I ran around
the DJ bit so they couldn’t
find me!
HOW ARE YOU
SPENDING YOUR
SUMMER?
I’d love to go to Ibiza this
year, but I haven’t booked
yet. Last year, I went to
Ayia Napa and we had a
very messy holiday!
WHAT EXACTLY DID
YOU GET UP TO?
We got drunk every
single night. I wasn’t
taken home, but I had
some embarrassing
moments outside a bar
and on our balcony! We
were always going
sunbathing hungover.
 Even more...

52 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE
 WHERE WOULD
YOU LIKE TO TRAVEL
TO MOST?
Perhaps if I was a bit older,
I’d like to explore the world
and go on relaxing spa
holidays – somewhere like
Thailand. I’d like to go to
New York for a massive
shopping trip, too.
HOW WOULD YOU GO
ABOUT TEASING OR
FLIRTING WITH A GUY?
I just smile, but only if I
fancy them. If I don’t like
them that way, I make it
extremely clear. I’m always
really giggly –
I can’t help it, it just happens
naturally. I always have to be
approached first, too.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK
FOR IN A MAN – AND
WHAT MAKES YOU A
GREAT CATCH?
I’m really confident, chatty,
and sociable, so I like a
manly, bossy man. I couldn’t
have a walkover – that’s
boring. I’m quite laid back
and I like to be treated like a
queen – because I think I am
one. Ha!

“I feel invincible
when I’m really
drunk!”
WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE 53
 AS
VOTED
FOR BY
YOU!

The football has been played and the votes have been counted and verified.
Ladies and gentlemen, your winners are...
54 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO
 YOUNG PLAYER
OF THE SEASON
HARRY KANE
From bench-warming to smashing
31 goals in all competitions

“Thank you,
ZOO readers –
this means a lot!”

HI, HARRY. THIS IS YOUR SECOND

ZOO AWARD IN TWO YEARS.
WHAT’S NEXT: BRITAIN’S COOLEST
MAN 2016?
Ha ha. A big thank you to the ZOO
readers for the award, it means a lot.
What’s next? Hopefully more of the
same – and better. I’ll keep working
hard to progress and will be looking
to score plenty of goals again.
TWENTY-ONE GOALS IN YOUR FIRST
FULL SEASON: IS THE PREMIER
LEAGUE A DODDLE?
Definitely not! It’s probably the best
league in the world, and every game
is a challenge. I’m just concentrating
HOW YOU on improving my game.
WHICH PERFORMANCE WERE
VOTED
1 Harry Kane
YOU MOST PROUD OF THIS SEASON?
I think it has to be the win against
Chelsea at White Hart Lane. To come
Spurs
up against one of the best defences
2 Philippe Coutinho
in the league, score two, make two
Liverpool
and win the match 5-3 is something
3 Danny Ings
I’m very proud of. It was an
Burnley
absolutely incredible game!
PICS: Offside

WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO 55
 PREMIER LEAGUE
PLAYER OF
SIGNING OF THE SEASON
THE SEASON JOHN TERRY
For marshalling Jose Mourinho’s

AARON CRESSWELL
For being a consistent performer – and not costing £30m-plus!
bus for every minute of every game

“Thanks for the

recognition!”
HOW YOU
VOTED
HOW YOU 1 John Terry
Chelsea
VOTED
1 Aaron Cresswell
2 Eden Hazard
Chelsea
West Ham United 3 David de Gea
2 Alexis Sanchez Manchester United
Arsenal
3 Diego Costa
Chelsea

“To make my debut and score

my first Premier League goal is
something I’ve dreamed about
CHAMPIONSHIP
since I was small. The lads have
been brilliant and the supporters
have made me really welcome.
PLAYER OF
I was voted Hammer Of The Year,
Players’ Player and Signing Of
The Season, so this is extra
THE SEASON
recognition. Big thanks to all
the ZOO readers!”
PATRICK
BAMFORD
For making even Chelsea take
notice of one of their youngsters

“I’m delighted to win this award

considering how good the
Championship was this season,
and how many great players are
playing in it. Thanks to all who
voted for me. I’ve had an
amazing time at Middlesbrough.”

HOW YOU
VOTED
1 Patrick Bamford
Middlesbrough
2 Troy Deeney
Watford
3 Matt Ritchie
Bournemouth

56 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO
 MANAGER OF
THE SEASON
EDDIE HOWE
For completing the biggest climb in English
football – with Bournemouth!

“This is up there
with the LMA award!”
Bournemouth is striving to go i
same direction.
WHICH MANAGER ARE YOU HOW YOU
MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO
PITTING YOUR WITS AGAINST? VOTED
1 Eddie Howe
All of them. I’m excited to test
myself against the elite and Bournemouth
with the Premier League being 2 Alex Neil
the best in the world, all of the Norwich City
managers will be top bosses 3 Alan Pardew
who’ll provide different challen Crystal Palace

LEAGUE ONE LEAGUE TWO

PLAYER OF PLAYER OF
THE SEASON THE SEASON
JOE GARNER
For topping the League One scoring charts
ALFIE MAWSON
For having a phenomenal debut season in
and leading Preston to the Championship league football, including 15 clean sheets
and six goals

“Thank you to all the ZOO “Massive thanks to everyone

readers who voted for me to
win this award. It’s always good
to be recognised, and it’s been
a great season for myself and
the team. It was great to end on
a high by winning promotion.”
who voted for me. I was just
pleased to have my debut at
Wycombe, so to get this
award has blown me away!”

HOW YOU HOW YOU

VOTED
1 Joe Garner
VOTED
1 Alfie Mawson
Preston North End Wycombe
2 Dele Alli 2 Danny Mayor
PICS: Action Images

MK Dons Bury
3 Massimo Luongo 3 Matt Tubbs
Swindon Town Portsmouth

WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO 57
GOAL OF THE SEASON
CHARLIE ADAM
For beating the unbeatable Thibaut
Courtois – from inside his own half! HI, CHARLIE. TALK US
THROUGH YOUR WONDER STRIKE...
I got to a point on the pitch where

“Luckily, I thought the keeper would be off his line,

and had a go. Luckily, it went in – and it
was live on TV, so it got so much coverage!
HOW MANY TIMES DOES IT GO IN
DURING TRAINING?

I did it on I only try it when I think it’s on, but I’ve

done a couple of goalies since I’ve been
at Stoke. I scored one for Blackpool in
a reserve game at Accrington Stanley and

live TV!” one for Rangers against Dundee, so this

is the third time it’s come off. Hopefully
there are one or two others to come in
my career.
LOOKING BACK NOW, WAS THE ROBOT
A FITTING CELEBRATION?
Yes! But only because when I was on
Soccer AM they asked me to do it, so
HOW YOU I stuck to my promise. Luckily, it was for
VOTED
1 Charlie Adam
that goal against Chelsea where people
managed to see the robot – though it’ll
never be seen again!
Chelsea vs Stoke WHEN THE BALL LEFT YOUR FOOT,
2 Jermaine Defoe COULD YOU EVER IMAGINE IT WOULD
Sunderland vs Newcastle BAG YOU A ZOO AWARD?
3 Bobby Zamora Ha ha. I’m delighted to receive the
West Brom vs QPR ZOO award. Hopefully, it makes up
for me doing the robot!

PERFORMANCE FUNNIEST
OF THE SEASON MOMENT OF
LEICESTER THE SEASON
(VS MAN UNITED) JORDAN
For turning over £150m-worth
of talent in emphatic style
HENDERSON
For putting the league bully in
his place just with the evils

HOW YOU HOW YOU

VOTED
1 Leicester 5
VOTED
1 Jordan Henderson
Man United 3 Stare down with Costa
2 Chelsea 2 2 Arsene Wenger vs Jose
Bradford 4 Mourinho Touchline tussle
3 Man City 0 3 Ashley Young
Middlesbrough 2 Bird poo-gate

58 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO
 UNSUNG HERO PUNDIT OF
OF THE SEASON THE SEASON
JERMAINE JENAS
JOSE FONTE
For making Saints fans quickly forget
For adding a refreshing and sane voice
to Saturday night entertainment

about Dejan Lovren & co...

“It’s my first
season as a pundit
on the BBC, so I’m

“It was
absolutely made
up to win this
award. Thanks so
much to everyone
who voted for me.”

a team
effort!” HOW YOU
VOTED
1 Jermaine Jenas
Match Of The Day
“I’m delighted to win this 2 Gary Neville
award, but it’s a team Sky Sports
effort. I’ve had a good 3 Thierry Henry
season but only because Sky Sports
my teammates have
been so good. All that
was said before, the
predictions people made
that we were going
down, gave us more
strength to prove
everyone wrong, and
that’s what we did. The
manager and his staff
TEAM OF
have done a great job
and we managed to gel
and achieve something
THE SEASON
very special.”
CHELSEA
For topping the table over 274
days of a 282-day season

HOW YOU
PICS: rex Features, Action Images, Getty Images

VOTED
1 Jose Fonte
HOW YOU
Southampton
2 Michael Carrick
VOTED
1 Chelsea
Manchester United 2 Southampton
3 Santi Cazorla 3 Bournemouth
Arsenal

WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO 59
 Rising star Oisin Murphy tells ZOO about his journey from stable boy to frontrunner at the Derby, ahead of his
second run-out in the biggest flat race of the year

F R O M S TA B L E B O Y.. .

O R A C I N G S T A R !
. . .T

H 
I, OISIN! HOW EXCITED
ARE YOU ABOUT THE
DERBY THIS WEEKEND?
I can’t wait! The Derby is the race everyone
wants to win. It’s a stallion-making event,
and the winner always goes to stud
afterwards. All the jockeys try a little bit
harder on Derby day.
WHAT MAKES IT SO GREAT?
It’s one of the most prestigious races in the
world, on a track that’s very difficult to ride.
You’re uphill for the first two furlongs, then
it levels off and turns a bit before you run
downhill for four furlongs. Round the
famous Tattenham Corner, and there’s
a three-and-a-half furlong straight. It takes
a very good horse to win.
“I rode winners and
lost a lot of friends”
YOU WENT FROM WORKING AT THE
DERBY AS A STABLE LAD IN 2013, TO
FINISHING FIFTH LAST YEAR. THAT’S
QUITE SOME RISE...
It all happened very quickly. I got my
racing licence in June 2013 and had my
first winner by 16 June. The ride on Red
Galileo last year came completely out of
the blue, but everyone tunes in for the
Derby, so it got a lot of attention.
RED GALILEO WAS A 125-1 LONG
SHOT. YOU MUST HAVE FELT
UNSTOPPABLE WHEN YOU RODE
INTO THE TOP FIVE AT EPSOM?
I got a huge buzz out of it, because he was
outside of the field and favourite to come
last! I just remember coming into the last
furlong and seeing William Buick ahead
of me on Western Hymn. It was great to
finish in front of him.

60 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO

HOW ARE YOU COPING WITH THE
PRESSURE OF BEING TOUTED AS ONE
OF THE HOTTEST YOUNG PROSPECTS
IN RACING?
I don’t think about the pressure too much.
I do my homework, I know the form pretty
well, and I just try to give the horse the
PICS: Getty Images, racingphphotos.com, Alamy, Rex Features
best possible ride I can. Then they’ll win
if they’re good enough, and they won’t win
if they’re not.
AS A YOUNGER JOCKEY, ARE YOUR
ELDERS WELCOMING IN THE
WEIGHING ROOM?
No! You’re kind of out on your own –
at least, I was anyway. I got going very
quickly and when you’re riding lots of
winners, I think you get branded as a little
bit over-confident at times. I think there’s
a little bit of resentment there. You make
and lose friends very quickly.
RIDING 84 WINNERS IN YOUR
AMAZING FIRST YEAR WILL
CERTAINLY ENSURE THERE’S
SOME OF THAT ABOUT!
People think it comes down to natural
talent but it’s not: it’s hard work! I had good
support as an apprentice from trainer
Andrew Balding and I spent a lot of time
at the yard watching Jimmy Fortune, who
was first choice jockey at the time. I would
study what he was doing and try to learn
all the pedigrees of the horses as well.
YOU WON YOUR FIRST CLASSIC ON
KARPINO IN THE GERMAN 2,000
S AT U R D AY EHpO R S E R A C IN G
6 JUNE som
Derby
1. 2 5 p m ,
Channel 4
GUINEAS IN
COLOGNE.
IS THAT A
GOOD OMEN?
To be honest, I had the best
horse in the field. I had to do
a little bit of work early on
because I had a bad draw, but
once I passed a few horses and
got him settled, he just went
away. I can’t take all the credit!
The Investec Derby on Saturday
6 June is part of the QIPCO British
Champions Series. For tickets, go to
britishchampionsseries.com
WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO 61
 Everton 0-1 Tottenham Hull 0-0 Man United
24 MAY, 24 TH MINUTE 24 MAY, 73 RD MINUTE

“That’s a f**king
brilliant ball
right there,
Eric!” “Why are
Harry Kane
you f**king
punching me? United’s centre-back
needs calming after

F**k off!”
Spurs’ star frontman Abel Hernandez
ends his personal delivers a jab to the
scoring drought midriff worthy of
thanks to a whipped
Phil Jones
James DeGale.
cross from Eric Dier.

Aston Villa 0
O R I GT HI E Burnley 1
AND B NAL
E
P r e m Ri e v e a l i n g t S T !
24 MAY, 17 TH MINUTE
mo er Leagu he
uths s e
i n c e 2 p o t t y-
005!
“Hey! A
diamond!
Make a f**king
Chelsea 3-1 Sunderland diamond!”
Sean Dyche
24 MAY, 29 TH MINUTE

With Burnley earning

an early lead thanks
to Danny Ings’ header,
Sean Dyche revises
his tactics.

Everton 0-1 Tottenham

24 MAY, 65 TH MINUTE

“This is s**t.
Push them on,
“Ah, come on come on!”
now! I can walk! Roberto Martinez
The striker picks
up an injury, so his
Well played, boys!” As Everton look set
for a timid end to the
teammates lift him off
the Stamford Bridge
Didier Drogba season, the Toffees
boss doesn’t mince
pitch one last time. his words.

62 WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZOO
 BIT.LY/ FACEBOOK.COM/
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 GET YOUR

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HOW TO
DO IT!
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 It’s the world famous..
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