The Ugly Lovers Club Intro

THE UGLY LOVERS CLUB
A Mini Romantic Comedy Series
By
Gareth James Brookes

© 2014
Strada Tepes Voda 20-22

Et 1, Apt 7, Sector 2
Bucharest 021525
Romania
00 40 (0)747 048 919

gareth.brookes@gmail.com
The Ugly Lovers Club. Gareth James Brookes 2014
INTRODUCTION
They used to say that there is someone for everyone.

‘They’ know that most people nowadays think this is just
so much horseshit. That some men are out there consuming
more than their fair share of prime reproductive years
with multiple women. And equally that a lot of women are
only and exclusively interested in A Class men in their
prime reproductive years, leaving the rest to flounder at
the bottom of the gene pool with only dreams of becoming
rampantly promiscuous.
‘They’ know this.
‘They’ also know that too many people are resigned to

staying single, floating aimlessly and endlessly in a
vast universe of unrequited relationships.
‘They’ have no intention of going to the party and

dancing in the corner on their own.
‘They’ know a lot of things.
That they are the unlikeliest of lovers. Imperfect

goods tossed together in the dating store fire sale box.
But they are determined to change all this by whatever

means it takes. To shake up their lives, smash
preconceptions and prejudices, get out and about there
and nail that elusive ‘someone’.
Misguided, deluded, mad? Absolutely. Persistent,

passionate, dedicated? Absolutely.
‘They’ are Annie, Mikey, BB and Robert who, by design or

accident, found each other over the internet and formed a
small (but soon to grow) ‘club’ of self styled ugly
lovers. To unite, support and share each other’s quest
to find love.
Go team!
2
INTRODUCTION
And go they do. Into a world more of their imagination

and longing than actual. A world vicariously lived, of
grand plans and strategies, humiliation and pain,
bittersweet moments, harsh truths, kick in the teeth
failures, knife in the back rejections and butt clenching
embarrassment.
THE UGLY LOVERS CLUB Q & A
Don’t they ever give up?
Never.
The members of The Ugly Lovers Club are resilient,

redoubtable and find a common strength in being strange
and different. They have their emotional, personal and
physical challenges to face and overcome, more than most,
a lot more than most actually. Delusion, denial and
fantasy are powerful antidotes to this. So, no they
don’t give up. Stupid question.
Will they ever achieve their quest?
Of course they will.
When?
After a very long time. They will suffer almost never-

ending setbacks that will be horrible, frightening and
unexpected scary as shit stuff. But ultimately all will
be winners in love.
How?
Jeez! Because the members of TULC are loveable, likable

losers who have hidden qualities waiting to be discovered
and appreciated. And because this is a mini romantic
comedy series – we want happy endings for them.
Isn’t that a bit rude?
Only in a cheap sexual Asian massage sense. You have a

dirty mind. Our people will have satisfying romantic
climaxes. Though some sex might well be involved in
this. Certainly lots of kissing and cuddling, bit of
heavy petting, role play talk, you know. Next question.
3
Q & A
So if a member of TULC does find love, then what?
We celebrate. Everyone celebrates that Amor Omnia

Vincit’s. You do know what that means? It’s what the
audience wants and we always give the audience what it
wants…
But in an unexpected and surprising way?
Yes. You’ve been on a scriptwriting course I suspect.

And then they ride off into the sunset.
Will we ever meet them again? Learn how they are getting
on, that they are still happy?
Maybe. Maybe not. After all they will be happy ever

after, why would they bother wasting their time talking
to a bunch of desperate love freaks? C’mon! And there
will always be a new member of TULC to take their place.
Another complete loser.
Do you make fun of these people? Exploit their

unfortunate inadequacies to make us laugh out loudly,
reflect on our own disappointments in our love lives?
Isn’t this cruel?
Yes, yes and yes. And we love them. They’re triers.
Oh, wonderful! None of that PC crap then?
Not at all, these are fully developed deranged characters

fully armed with an array of unpleasant habits, and they
don’t always look that good either.
So how do we get to know these people? How are their

stories told?
I’m glad you ask. By the regular web cam, Skype,

whatever, conversations and discussions they have with
each other. It’s like a wacky conference call amongst
love needy whackos. They share everything, even some
stuff we don’t really want to know, they don’t want to
know. And this is interspersed with short scenes of
their attempts to meet someone, stalk someone, talk to
someone. A first kiss, introduction, rejection,
misunderstanding, screw up etc. Along with the regular
4
fantasies they have. They have a lot of these come to

think about it. And there’s always like group analysis,
hugs, cheer a victory, commiserate failure moments. And
lots more. It’s upbeat, we get to care about them, root
for them.
I mean, who couldn’t root for a fat girl whose only

closest meaningful romantic relationship so far was with
her pet rabbit. A rabbit that suffered from epilepsy and
was called Julius. Now that was always going to end
badly. She was at an impressionable age, the neighbours
kept Rottweilers, there was a hole in the garden fence,
them dogs ain’t been fed for a while, Julius is prancing
around like a tasty Roman banquet, and occasionally
collapsing – you get the trauma? The horror? So she
starts eating to compensate and for comfort, blows up and
ain’t invited to friends’ parties anymore as she can, and
does, eat the whole birthday cake including the candles.
She didn’t get any dates, she didn’t get any Valentine’s
cards or roses. And all because her pet rabbit was
eviscerated in front of her. It could happen to anyone.
And this is a smart girl with a degree in criminology.

Got nice hair, a nice smile, and got a whole lot of love
to give in her big heart. Easter’s a tough time for her
obviously, and okay she still maces dogs in the street,
but she deserves a break. She only wants to be loved
for who she is.
When can I meet them?
They’re coming up. The first bunch at least. Lot of

ugly lovers out there.
There is Romance?
Yes. Romance belongs to everyone. It comes in many

unexpected forms, at unexpected times. It’s not always
flowers, music and candle lit dinners. More likely an
awkward breath-squeezing bear hug, a half eaten Mars bar
gladly given, and wiping up your dribble when you’re dead
depressed drunk and your face is stuck to the carpet.
The little things.
One last question if I may? Who are you?
A romantic and an ugly lover. Aren’t we all? Keep on

reading…
Love is never ugly
5
‘Well she sounds perfect, all I dream of

And I dream about it so much it’s absurd
But when I get there and she sees me
I’ll be impressed if she does not run screaming
And if she finds me repulsive

She wouldn’t be the first to wretch
Well I decided one day long ago
I was never gonna be the greatest catch
And if she cares about the car I drive
Then she can get in hers
The moment I arrive
My kind of love is an ugly love

But it’s real and it lasts a long, long time’
Mikey (Eels)
‘I’m stupid, I’m ugly

I’m dumb, I smell
Did I mention I’m stupid’
Annie (Eminem)
‘I have an important message to deliver to

all the cute people all over the world.
If you’re out there and you’re cute, maybe you’re
beautiful. I just want to tell you something –
there’s more of us UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS than you are,
so watch out!’
BB (Frank Zappa)
‘I just do art because I’m ugly and

there’s nothing else for me to do’
Robert (Andy Warhol)
6
CHARACTERS
MIKEY (30)
A borderline paranoid (in denial) agoraphobic (aware) who

works from home, naturally, as an occasional parks and
gardens landscape designer. Mikey’s a talented guy
though work is hard to come by due to his reluctance to
actually visit potential clients’ sites. Not to mention
he is convinced that most of these people are out to
cheat him anyway.
Mikey’s not bad looking either, in a ‘retro dressed by

his overprotective domineering mother’s’ way. Nothing
that a trip to the shops in a crowded Mall couldn’t
quickly fix. In another phobia free life Mikey would
like to do that very much. One day. He does indulge in
shopping online but it seems his taste in inappropriate
clothing has been tragically and irreversibly genetically
determined. And he’d really like to drive the uber cool
Mercedes sports hatchback he won in a competition by
writing a killer ad line for a major breakfast cereal
manufacturer.
Of all the club members Mikey is the one who has come
closest to having a relationship recently. Several
indeed. Unfortunately he has pulled out at the last
minute – when the naughty little demons in his head began
whispering about how he would be lied to, cheated on,
mocked and cruelly rejected. Mikey’s prone to believing
this. For when he finally did summon the courage to go
on a date, with a seemingly delightful girl, she lied to
him, cheated on him, mocked him and cruelly rejected him,
all in an evening.
Mikey understands he has a problem, just not that he has

more than one problem, and is looking for the gang’s
support to get him through this.
Especially now as he’s got a, ‘won’t go away constantly

on my mind’, thing for the cute girl who has just moved
into the block. He has already had a couple of
significant interchanges with Melissa on the stairwell as
she frantically dashes past him for her daily jogging
session in the nearby park (one he partly landscaped in
mentally happier days). Mikey’s landlord has explained
that Melissa suffers from claustrophobia. Mikey is up
for the challenge. Bring it on!
7
BB (30)
BB’s the girl who lost her beloved pet rabbit all those
years ago to a pair of cold-blooded dog assassins. She is
a big chunky solid woman, no denying that, but she’s also
fit and healthy. BB likes to believe that she’s Big and
Beautiful, though Behind her Back knows she is called the
Big Bouncing Brick. No one dares say this to her face.
Because BB’s a cop, respected and admired by her

colleagues. If you’re in a tricky situation and you’ve
got officer BB by your side, then everything’s gonna turn
out just fine – look out you law breakers. Which is all
fine and good, to a point. BB’s lament is that people
simply don’t see her for who she is. They only see her
sheer mass instead. A large fierce woman, in a uniform,
with weapons drawn and normally kneeling heavily on their
backs and clamping on handcuffs. They don’t see the
delicate, caring side of a woman who can whip up a cordon
bleu soufflé in a moment, mix an extra wet Martini, and
demurely wear one of her classic collection of 1950’s
fur-trimmed negligees.
It’s hard to be feminine and sexual when locked into a

light (?) heavyweight boxer’s body. And the frustration
makes BB angry and explosively aggressive. Particularly
when she misinterprets rare moments of flattery, maybe an
even rarer come on, as someone taking the piss out of
her. And once slammed into a wall and pinned there by BB
then these attempts are not often repeated.
BB’s lonely. A lonely single female who puts on a brave

face to hide this. Sure, she has a pretty lively social
life. Out with the male police squad officers regularly
(some of whom are absolutely fucking to die for gorgeous
by the way!), one of the guys sharing a few very large
beers, the banter, the fun arm wrestling contests (BB
normally wins), the warm camaraderie of breaking bad
boys’ heads. Rock on! But not even getting the tiniest
hint of any romantic interest towards her.
She’d like to be one of the girls. The girls aren’t

interested. BB secretly fears she’s already been placed
into an oversized pigeon hole – with the unthinking
assumption she will never have a boyfriend, doesn’t want
one, doesn’t need one. Perceptions have to change.
The ‘mother’ of the group. Generous with encouragement

and advice for the others. The cheer leader.
8
ANNIE (25)
Small, wiry and looking like a startled Aye Aye, Annie

stacks shelves in a DIY superstore. Being an energetic,
chatty little soul, Annie enjoys the work. She meets a
lot of people and is happy to help with any enquiry from
the customers. She was a lot happier when she was one of
the checkout girls. But Annie’s fondness for engaging in
long and deeply personal conversations with customers
only interested in paying for their length of plastic
piping, and wishing she would just shut the fuck up,
forced management to ‘restructure’ Annie into stock
replenishment in gardening supplies. Well, that and the
fact that Annie has a thing about touching people’s hair.
Annie has a fascination (obsession) with hair. It’s

texture, volume, colour, growth – she simply likes the
feel of it. And the funny good-strange feelings it gives
her. Those people who know Annie tend to ensure she is
always kept at arms length from them. It’s also ensured
that her few dates have ended up disastrously.
Yet it’s not stopped Annie having a surprisingly active

sex life. It’s all hit and run stuff by guys who reckon
she’s easy, desperate and quite frankly would be grateful
to be laid. And then who have a good old laugh about it
later in the pub. Nasty, mean, shallow and despicable
male behavior that would crush most women. Not Annie.
She knows the game being played and adds a few of her own
rules. Annie enjoys the sex (mostly), understands it’s
transitory and that the ‘joke’ is meant to be on her.
Then the ‘joke’ is on them when Annie posts their photos
on her not so anonymous blog, as her conquests and with a
frank and damning assessment of their performances in
bed. Along, of course, with their hair rating. She
always takes a sample. The sex isn’t so frequent now.
Annie isn’t a slut. She takes what physical comfort can

be had. Understands how she looks and presents to a
super critically judgmental world and, like BB, knows
she’s been pigeon-holed as unlikely romantic love partner
material.
Annie’s had enough of this. She’s got hidden qualities,

she’s loyal, supportive, tough, funny, sensuous,
organized, a great conversationalist, can repair a
leaking tap – and only wants to love and be loved!
What’s wrong with that?
9
ROBERT (28)
The general consensus is that Robert is boring. You

know, doesn’t say much and when he does you wonder why.
What did he contribute to the debate? Does he have an
opinion? What goes on in his mind? Is there anything
happening in there? Have the synapses stopped firing,
given up, got lost on a little walk around his
imagination? And why did we invite him around? He just
stares at everyone, eats all the sausage rolls and then
leaves early.
Robert is boring. Though not in the way most people

understand. Robert is boring into people’s lives and
behavior like a finely tooled mechanical digger. He’s an
observer, absorbing, analyzing all he encounters. Being
tall, gangly and with a visage longer than a giraffe’s
pulled by a persistent hungry crocodile at the local
watering hole, Robert is right up there on everyone’s top
10 weird list.
Robert lives in his big elongated head. It’s a

fascinating place. It’s warm, comforting and safe.
Robert is an artist. He has a pony tail and sometimes
grows a pointy beard. He illustrates children’s books.
He adores and is beguiled by children, though they tend
to avoid him in the park because he stares at them. All
he wants is that children stay amazed at the world they
live in. He lives on his own in a fabulous ‘artist’s’
loft apartment.
Robert is desperately shy. He does not like to draw

attention to himself and is terrified of even trying to
explain what he thinks about. He even illustrates under
a pseudonym. His illustrations are hugely successful
worldwide, he gives no interviews. He is a shadow. He
is filthy rich.
Robert has never had a ‘relationship’. But he dreams of

one. To be with someone who gets him, help him become
complete, will accept his odd ways, his odd looks, the
way he believes the world should be.
Like Mikey his world has suddenly become topsy turvy by a

seemingly unwanted, unexpected encounter with an artist’s
agent, Rosey. She’s confident, assured, social, not
boring, forward and Robert’s fallen in love with her –
and as a result become an emotional screw up as he can’t
understand why…
10
AL
And that leaves me, for now at least. I know these guys
and gals, good people all of them. They’ve got a simple
human desire to find that person, that partner. To know
that there is someone out there for everyone whatever the
circumstances. I’ll help introduce them to you, link
them together, pass on some of my thoughts and
observations, give a little background on their
situations – and give them a push when needed. I’ve been
around longer than most in this, know more than something
of what’s it’s like to be an ugly lover, so you’ll be
hearing from me.
FORMAT
10-15 minute episodes. Terrestrial and Online.
Main Cast: BB/Annie/Robert/Mikey/Al VO.
Regular Guests: Melissa/Sergeant Gibbs/Mikey’s

Landlord/Robert’s Agent/Annie’s Supervisor.
Regular sets:
The main characters’ apartments/The Bar.
Fixed regular locations:
Each episode focuses on one character’s ongoing ugly love

romance.
11

The Ugly Lovers Club Intro

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THE UGLY LOVERS CLUB

A Mini Romantic Comedy Series

Gareth James Brookes

Strada Tepes Voda 20-22

00 40 (0)747 048 919