Funny English

c What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!
What kinds of keys can't open a door?
A Turkey, Donkey, or a Monkey.
Why did the man take off his door bell?
He wanted to win the NoBell prize!
What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.
What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
What Question must you always answer yes to?
What does Y-E-S spell?
What do you call a bear without an ear?
B
What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the
apple!
c
Why do surgins wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did
it.
cc Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.
c Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
c Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
c Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine
cabinet?
Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
c Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
People were dying to get in!
c Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with!
c Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Because little goes a long way!
c Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long
the µsentence¶ would be.
c What is the difference between a cat and a
comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has
the clause before the pause.

What kind of flower do you have between your
nose and your chin?
Tulips.
c What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
B
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the
apple!
What building has the most stories?
The library.
What mostly don't you hear in school?
The H.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up.
What's the kindest vegetable?
A sweet potato.

c What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FOR
What is big, white, gives milk, and has one
horn?
A milk truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it won't come.
In what school do you learn how to greet people?
In hi school!
What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles or Smiled.
There is a mile between the first and last word.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK
MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)
What's the best month for a parade?
March!
Which dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog, buildings can't jump!

Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
c In which battle was Admiral Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.
When is rabbit soup not good?
When there's a hare in it!
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Why was the math book sad?
Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine
cabinet?
Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Why does a giraffe eat so little?

Why did the FBI arrest Santa?
Because he was out all night sleighing.
c Why did the man take off his door bell?
Why do surgins wear masks?
If somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did
it.
Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long
the µsentence¶ would be.
Why is an island like the letter "T"?
It is in the middle of "waTer".
Why did the girl run outside with her purse
open?
She heard there was going to be some change in the
weather.
How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.
How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S!
How do really small people call each other?
On microphones.
How did a boy that was failing every subject get
to high school anyway?
He rode the bus.

How can you cut the sea in two?
With a seasaw.
c Where was the first potato found? In
the ground.
What comes down but never goes up?rain.
What can fly but has no wings? Time.
What always goes 2 sleeps wearing its
shoes?Horse.
How would u write nineteen that if one is taken
out, then
itsremains twenty..
There were ten sparrows sitting on a tree. A
hunter fired and tow of them fell dead. How many
sparrows were left on the tree? Non.
Two sons and two fathers went hunting. They
succeeded in hunting one pigeon each on counting it
was found that they were only three pigeons.How is
that? They were only three persons, son
father and grandfather.
Which is the hardest key to turn? Donkey.
which part of London in France? -N-

why ur nose is not twelve inches long?

c What r the largest ant in the world?!"
what is the easiest way to get to heaven
quickly? just stand in
front of the fast moving car
Where do fish keep their money? at the
river bank.
Which sea has waves but no water? BBC.
What do u calls an Arabian milkman?milk
shaikh.
Which is the most shocking city in the
world? electricity.
Why Pakistani cricket team given cigarette
lighter? because they
lost all their matches.
Which fish lives in heaven? Angel
fish.
What do u calls a sleeping bull? A
bulldozer.
80. : What do boxers and astronomers have in common?
A : O
81.ã : Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A : ï

82.ã : What do you call an underwater spy?
A :
83.ã : What do you call a cute volcano?
A : ý

84.ã : What¶s full of T, starts with T and ends with T?
A : O
85.ã : Why do golfers wear 2 outfits when they golf?
A : K
86.ã : Why was the math book crying?
A : ï
87.ã : What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
A : O
88.ã : When do doctors get angry?
A :
89.ã : Why would Snow White be a great judge?
A : ï
±
Who has the most fun when you tickle a mule?
He may enjoy it but you'll get a bigger a a out of it.
±Kf Johns mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo.
Who is the last one?
John.
±sn your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see
two men in masks.
Who are those men?
They are the umpire and the catcher.
±What do you get when you cross Pikachu with Exeggcute?
Fried Eggs!
±What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
sne has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause
before the pause.
±What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your
chin?
Tulips.
±What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.
±What is the best way to keep food bills down?
Use a paperweight!
± What tools do you need in math class?
Multi-Pliers
±±What happens when the Queen burps?
She issues a royal pardon.
What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
"Kt all makes cents now!"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to
you?
A stick
(They're all sticks to me!)
What did the the tie say to the hat?
You go on a head, K'll just hang around.
B
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny
What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
Lost
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear
What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Snowflakes
± What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
Nacho cheese!
What do you call a country, where all the cars in it are pink?
A pink carnation.
Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Elifino! (Hell if K know)
What's the difference between a a love story reader and a
farmer?
sne reads it and weeps, the other weeds it and reaps.
What goes up and down but never moves?
Stairs.
What building has the most stories?
The library.
What mostly don't you hear in school?
The H.
What can you find in the middle of nowhere?
The letter H.
What is at the end of everything?
The letter G.
± What is the center of gravity?
The letter V.
What is a scarecrows favorite food?
Strawberries.
What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle
and a ghost?
Cockapoodleboo!
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the rest are weak days!
What TV show uses the most Toilet Paper?
Jeopardy, ë ë ë ë ...
What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. Kt just V V up.
What happened at a fight in the candy store?
Two suckers got licked!
What's the kindest vegetable?
A V potato.
What happened when a fosset, egg, and a lettuce ran a race?
Well, the egg got beat, the lettuce was a head, and the fosset
was still running!
What do you get if you play a country music song
backwards?
You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back.
± What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A V of time!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck.
What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A mermaid!
What did Delaware when Mississippi lent Missouri her New
Jersey?
K don't know, Alaska.
What has wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did Cinderella say while she was waiting for her
photos?
Some day my prints (prince) will come.
What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered desert?
No thanks, K'm V.
What are good names for identical twin boys?
Pete and Repeat.
± What made the laundry turn green?
Kt got seasick from going round and round!
What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt!"
What spells 4 and has 3 letters?
FsR
What is part pig and part tree?
A "Porky Pine".
What is big, white, gives milk, and has one horn?
A milk truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Kt doesn't matter, it won't come.
Kn what school do you learn how to greet people?
Kn hi school!
What do snakes do after they fight?
They hiss and make up.
What is the longest word in the world?
Smiles or Smiled.
There is a mile between the first and last word.
What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
± What is the best material for kites?
Fly paper.
What is the best thing to use if you itch?
Scratch paper.
What is a name for a phone system in Mexico?
Taco Bell.
What kind of robbery is least dangerous?
A V robbery.
What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHKJK
MNsPQRSTUVWXYZ
No L! (noel)
What's the best month for a parade?
March!
Kf athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
Missletoe
Kf there's H2s on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the
outside?
K9P
Ks being a telephone operator a business or a profession?
Kt is more like a .
Do teenagers age fast?
No, but sometimes their parents do!
± Which dog can jump higher than a building?
! dog, buildings
!
Which one is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Which city hatched in Kllinois?
Chick -ago
Kn which battle was Admiral Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.
Which kind of bird picks up heavy things?
A crane!
When is rabbit soup not good?
When there's a hare in it!
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
Where do broken ships go?
To the a.
Where did the butcher dance?
At the meatball!
Where did the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
± Where do snowmen keep their money?
Kn a snowbank.
Where do sheep get a hair cut?
At the shop!
Where can you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow weigh a pie.
Why does Snoopy want to quit the comic strip?
He's tired of working for "peanuts"!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
Why was the math book sad?
Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Why did they put a fence around the cemetery?
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words!
± Why are chef's mean?
Because they beat the eggs, mash the potatoes and whip the
cream!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
Because they have big nostrils!
Why does a giraffe eat so little?
Why did the mexican throw his wife out the window?
He wanted tequila.
Why did the lady miss her husband?
Because she never shot a gun before!
Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?
Because Donald Ducked!
Why did the FBK arrest Santa?
Because he was out all night V .
Why did the basket ball floor get wet?
The players on it.
± Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
To change his mind!
± Why did the red light turn red?
You would too if people watched you change!
± Why did the jelly roll?
Because he saw the apple turnover.
± Why do surgins wear masks?
Kf somebody makes a mistake nobody will know who did it.
± Why do parents know best?
Because they made the same mistakes before!
± Why is it possible to see through preachers?
They are .
± Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
Because she has a pumpkin for a coach. And...
Because she ran away from the ball.
± Why did the old house see the doctor?
Because it had pains.
± Why were the little ink drops crying?
Because papa was in the pen and no one knew how long the
sentence would be.
± Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed.
(Think about it)
±± Why is an island like the letter "T"?
Kt is in the middle of "waTer".
Why is an empty room like a room full of married people?
There isn't a V person in it.
Why is Piglet so nasty?
Because he plays with Pooh!
Why did the girl run outside with her purse open?
She heard there was going to be some in the weather.
Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the
bathroom?
Because he kept goin' and goin' and goin'!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the busy street?
Because he had lost his nerves. And...
Because he had no guts!
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross
the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
They always have their trunks down!
Why was ten afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine and he was next in line.
Why are mountain climbers curious?
They always want to take another peak.
± Since he lost his hair, why is Mr. Timothy More like an
American City?
Because he is "Bald Tim More"!
How can you tell who is Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
He has VV V buns.
How many cockroaches does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
Can't tell. As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!
How do you get on t.v.?
Sit on it.
How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
A .
How many penguins does it take to fly an airplane?
None. Penguins can't fly!
How many letters are in the alphabet?
Really 26, but 24, since E.T. went home.
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little bugee in it!
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
How do you make "nor do we" into one word?
sNE WsRD
± How do you make 7 even?
Take away the S!
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take it's chair away.
How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a hole, fill it with ashes, surround it by peas.
When he comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
How do you keep a rhino from charging?
Take away his credit card.
How do really small people call each other?
sn microphones.
How did a boy that was failing every subject get to high
school anyway?
He rode the bus.
How did the carpenter break his teeth?
He chewed his nails.
How can you cut the sea in two?
With a seasaw.

Why did the computer go to the chiropractor?

02-21-2007, 09:19 PM
Because it had a slipped disc
What washes up on really small beaches?
Salt water? Waves? Hot dang i got it .....MICROWAVES.......
What do firemen put in their soup?

02-22-2007, 12:40 PM
Fire crackers.
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?

01-03-2010, 09:48 AM
the letter m

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Funny English

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c What is the best way to keep food bills down?

What washes up on really small beaches?

Salt water? Waves? Hot dang i got it .....MICROWAVES.......

What do firemen put in their soup?

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