Classic Jokes

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in  French, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" is feminine - "la maison."
"Pencil" is masculine - "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is a 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class  into two groups- male
and female - and asked them to decide for themselves  whether"computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was  asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be  of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other  computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory  for possible later
review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself  spending half
your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should  be masculine

("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the  time they ARE the
problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had  waited a
little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!

=========================================

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly

couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th
wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them
and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement
that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned
him a sharp smack on the head: "..underwater."
 =========================================

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth
to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven.

God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who
ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done,
the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the
line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.

God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "Lord, my wife warned me to stand here."

=========================================

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent. Don't miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweat-shirt and Reeboks.

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? what school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar !!!
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere !!

This is a joke .. i m not being critical of lawyers.

=========================================

The 3 fastest means of communication:

Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
 
  =========================================
American: In our country, marriage takes place even with an email.
Santa : No, in India, it is only with female

=========================================

Man : How old is your father ?

Boy : As old as me
Man : How can that be ?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
 
=========================================

Height of Positive Thinking

Little birdy in the sky,

You look up and it sh*ts in your eye.
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.

=========================================

WHY MEN LIE? !

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe
fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the
Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank,
and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Madhuri Dixit.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You
see, if I had said 'no' to Madhuri Dixit, You would have come up with Aishwarya
Rai. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then
said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and cannot
afford to take care of all three wives.
THAT'S why I said yes to Madhuri Dixit."

The moral of this story is whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable
reason, and for the benefit of others.

=========================================

Maria, a beautiful Latina, fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon.
She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know
this, but Jose is your half-brother".
So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after
telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo,
my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-
brothers."
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama said "My darling, do what
makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to
Papa."

=========================================

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a
room, and every one calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men
give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, her figure is 38D - 24 - 34.
When she walks into a room, people say,

"Oh My God!"

=========================================

=========================================

=========================================

=========================================