What are the Stages of Pain

After a Breakup?
exploringyourmind.com
4 mins read

A
fter a breakup, people go through different stages and different
flavors of pain. In this article, we’ll explain what the stages of pain
after a breakup are, and what they’re like.

Stage 1: State of shock

This is the beginning of the pain. In this stage, the person still can’t
believe it. It’s hard for them to be conscious of the breakup, and see
what their new situation is. Emotionally, during
the shock stage
there’s a lack of reaction. The person acts like nothing
happened, life as usual.

The denial stage is much more noticeable in people who’ve been

“left.” It’s less noticeable in the people who “have left.” What’s
happening is that, whoever decided to break things off has already
gone through the denial and shock stage. So, the
one who takes
the step to break things off has already worked through
the new situation, and isn’t in denial.

Once they’ve opened their eyes to the breakup and can visualize
what’s coming next, then comes the next stage: denying the loss.

“The denial stage is more noticeable in people who’ve

been “left.” It’s less noticeable in the people who “have
left.”
Stage 2: Denying the loss
Within the stages of pain after a breakup, we find denial. With this
one, theperson is aware of what they’ve lost, but they don’t
want to accept it. They refuse to accept that the
relationship is over, and instead fantasize about being in it
again. One typical example of this stage is entertaining the idea that
the breakup might have been a mistake or a rash decision.

A mind in the denial stage focuses on finding ways to solve

the problems and pick up the relationship. This stage has an
adaptive function. It gives you time to “digest” the loss, and helps you
keep on going with work and obligations. Little by little, you become
aware of the changes that have already happened, and will happen.

Stage 3: Deep sadness

During this stage, they start to accept and experience what the
breakup means for them. The
person starts to be aware of how
their life has changed and will go on changing. And that’s
what creates such deep sadness. It comes accompanied by a negative
way of seeing the world, the future, and themselves.

What’s typical of this stage is a psychological function in line

with Beck’s cognitive triad. So that’s where the deep sadness and
symptoms of depression come from. Sadnessis a necessary
emotion for you to truly accept the loss. And it will help
you connect with what happened and start to overcome the
pain little by little.
Stage 4: Blame
Of the stages of pain after a breakup, the blame stage is
one of the most typical. That is, blame doesn’t come up so
noticeably when with other kinds of pain. But after the pain of a
breakup, this is one of the most notorious and complicated stages we
face.

Blame makes you obsess over what you could have done or said that
would’ve saved the relationship. Brooding
and obsessively
thinking about what caused the breakup can
psychologically wear out the person and create serious
anxiety.

Taking 100% of the blame for a breakup is

counterproductive. And, above all, it’s very unfair. Couples
are a team made up of two people, and the responsibility for a
breakup is always shared. Try to spread out the blame you feel. See it
as a shared responsibility and direct your mind towards the future.

Stage 5: Anger
Once you stop feeling like it was all your fault and can share the
blame for everything that happened, you’ll start to feel angry. The
anger stage is the most “beneficial” or “positive.” This is
because when someone or something makes us angry, we
avoid it and try to get it out of our lives. And all this after a
breakup…it’s perfect!

Why is anger the best thing that can happen to you when you’re in
pain after a breakup? Because anger, well directed, is a very powerful
force. In the first place, it keeps you far from the person you’ve lost
and that’s fundamental for getting better.

Being in contact with an ex during the stages of pain gets

people stuck in the stage of blame or sadness. That will
make it hard for them to move forward.

In the future you might be able to be friends, but not when you’re still
in pain. So anger helps a person stay far away from the people
hurting them. Use your anger to improve your personal state, to think
more about you and take care of yourself. But…be
careful! Don’t
get stuck in this stage. If you do, the same rage that
protected you will turn against you.

Stage 6: Acceptance
If you’ve experienced and appropriately used anger, you
can move onto the acceptance stage. The emotions in this stage
aren’t completely positive or gratifying. They’re emotions that help
you see what happened as part of the story of your life. It comes with
all its ups and downs.

“Blame makes you obsess over what you could have

done or said that would’ve saved the relationship.”

People in the acceptance stage start to come to terms with

what happened. They start to think about themselves and
focus their mind on the future, not on the past or the
loss. Acceptance is the definitive path to getting better after a
breakup. It helps us think about creating a future by and for
ourselves.

Lastly, it’s
important to remember that the stages of pain
after a breakup aren’t linear or correlative. This is
something we notice especially at the beginning of the
pain. That is, the more recent the loss, the more changeable are the
stages of pain. You can go from stage 1 to 3, and then from 2 to 4.

As long as you work through the loss and live through the pain, you’ll
see how you’ll take fewer steps backward, and more steps forward.
You don’t feel as insecure anymore, and you start to look at the future
with new eyes.