Yes, I am perfectly aware there are many kinds of sex fetishes out there.

There are
people who are aroused by feet, shoes, and even shoelaces. But dolphins ? Anyway,
if you want to have sex with a dolphin (and who doesn't ?), this is the guide for
you. Please note in passing that the image to the right was called "yum.jpg" on the
web site (for some reason, now called "fun.jpg").

Here is how to proceed :

1. Where to find a dolphin ?

Aquariums and zooz are out of the question : too many witnesses. You are instead
advised to try to find a beach where dolphins live. You also need luck :

Sometimes you just need to be in the right place at the right time. I have been
extremely lucky on two occasions with wild dolphins, and my current mate is a
dolphin who lives in the harbor of my resident city.

And if the Coast Guard comes by, you're on your own.

2. Pre-sex assessment of the situation

First, you need to figure out 1. the gender of the dolphin and 2. figure out if the
dolphin is aroused.

To do the first, you need to look at their head (males have a fatter, rounder
head), or on the dolphin's belly, between opposite the dorsal fin and the tail. The
male has two larger slits, and the female has one large slit and two small mammary
slits.

Figuring out whenever your prospective mate is aroused is also relatively

straightforward. The male will sport a long erection that would make most men
jealous ("anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose", we are
advised). The dolphin's penis is also prehensile and flexible, and you can wrap it
around your arm. It is not mentioned if the dolphin likes to have his penis wrapped
around some dink's arm. On the other hand, the female's genitals will become pink
and swollen, and she may nuzzle against you.

Also, I still can't believe I am writing about having sex with dolphins. This is
what being an Insolitologist is all about, folks.

Q3) What do I do if a dolphin wants to mate with me?

A3) Accept, if possible!

3. Having sex

A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the
water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the
water, with one hand, and handle him with the other. Male dolphins, I find, tend to
prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently
rubbed along it's length.

Due to the size of a dolphin's member, the best you can do with a male dolphin is
to masturbate him. Missionary position or anal sex are both out of the question.
Also, be careful : when those things shoot, they shoot. Remember what your mom told
you about trains and get out of the way.
The female dolphin can be either masturbated or fucked, depending on your gender.
Roll the dolphin gently to her side, belly towards you, and prop yourself on an
elbow to stay face-to-face with her. At this point, my brain is already beginning
to rebel against what I'm reading, so I'll let the author do the explaining for
me :

Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal

contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust
rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will
rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up
the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times
I have mated with females, they have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do
this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two
bodies shuddering against each other at the one time.

One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a fin, male or female, always
spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most
importantly, show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen
the bond between you.

In conclusion, good luck, and if you have a baby with a dolphin, don't forget to
tell someone other than the National Enquirer.