Loving Yourself Through Pregnancy Loss

Mel Craven

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart”
Helen Keller

To experience pregnancy loss at any stage is to lose a baby. From the time of that
first intuitive knowing that life has begun in a mother’s womb, the dream of a life
together begins. It doesn’t matter how many weeks or months old your baby is. To
hear the words “there is no heartbeat” or to have to make the heartbreaking decision
to terminate a pregnancy, is one of the most painful experiences a mother (and
father) ever has to go through. Sadly, many mothers go through this pain alone and
in secret. We don’t talk about it or share our stories. It is a societal taboo. It is my
hope that by writing this chapter you do not feel so alone. It is my prayer that if you
have suffered the loss of a baby you will find a warm embrace and safe place to
reflect upon your unique personal experience here. You are not alone. Many
mothers have traversed this difficult path before you. Many women have searched
for answers in the desolate empty wilderness that you may find yourself in now. You
will get through this. You will heal. You will learn how to carry your baby’s heart in
your heart forever, and to continue on with your life.

I experienced pregnancy loss for the first time a couple of years ago. I still remember
that moment when the world stood still. That realization that my worst fears had
come true. It was two days before Christmas, with festivity all around me. My other
children were watching the wise men throw sweets from the backs of camels, while I
sat in the emergency department, waiting for that dreaded ultrasound. I was in my
third month of pregnancy and had been spotting on and off for a few days, the hope
and joy seeping out of me, with every new drop of blood. The ultrasound room
seemed extra cold. I was mentally preparing myself for the awful news yet hoping
with all my heart my baby was ok. Losing small amounts of blood can be normal but
I had a sixth sense that this was not. Then the confirmation. No heartbeat. The
shock of those two words slapped me in the face with their cold hard reality. To cope
I found myself shifting in to a strange clinical practical mode. “Ok so now what?” I
asked. I sat there with my husband and the doctor calmly discussing the pros and
cons of spontaneous miscarriage, medication or dilation and curettage (D&C), a
procedure to remove the fetal tissue from inside my uterus. “Wait, can I go Christmas
shopping first so as not to disappoint my children. Great. Bye” In my mind it was all
so factual, so organized. It happens. I told myself. It’s just life. I went home on
autopilot like a zombie, going through the motions holding back the intense pain
threatening to break through my calm veneer, and then a day after the surgery I got
mad, I got really angry. I blamed everything. The invasive ultrasound I had at 6
weeks, my thoughts, my age, my karma. After the fire of rage, came the waves of
utter despair and sadness. I wept for the child I had wanted and loved so much. I fell
apart. On the outside I was still me. I had to be fine and strong. It was Christmas. I
even smiled and pretended I was still pregnant when people asked. Looking back, I
was probably in shock and denial. It did not help when people treated my dead baby
like a lost shoe. A nonevent. For some reason early pregnancy loss is often glossed
over and not given the sacred space and rituals mothers and fathers truly need. I
never named my baby. I don’t even know where that first ultrasound picture is. I
buried it all, underneath layers of rational and bravado.

The universe always present opportunities to grow and heal. In the 12 months
following my own pregnancy loss I was contacted by three different women all
grieving their own pregnancy loss. I was forced to revisit this topic with compassion
and care for myself, as well as them. I now share this important message with you.
If you lost your baby early, allow yourself to grieve. Create a goodbye ritual. Name
your baby if it feels right to you. Talk about it. Some women grieve quickly and move
on. Others take many months or even years. It all depends on your personal
experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You do not have to wait for a
magic number of weeks to call your baby a baby. Once there is a heartbeat, there is
a life. Once you connect with this life, you begin the bonding process. Once you see
that blue line you start to dream. The loss is real. The journey through the landscape
of your loss will be your own. Your grief, thoughts and reactions will be specific to
your circumstances and your beliefs. However, there are some common feelings and
questions that many women experiencing pregnancy loss share. It might be helpful
to explore these and notice if they resonate with any part of your own experience. By
accepting your feelings without judgment and being honest about how you feel, you
can love yourself through this loss and come out the other side feeling whole and
complete.

Self-blame

It was my fault. I caused my miscarriage, I allowed this to happen by doing or

thinking x, y and z. If you are blaming yourself for your pregnancy loss, you are not
alone. A survey conducted by researchers at Albert Einstein College of Medicine
(2015) showed that feelings of guilt and shame are common after a miscarriage and
that most people erroneously believe that miscarriages are rare. As a doula and grief
and loss counselor, I have listened to many women think that it was their fault their
baby died because they wished they were not pregnant or had bad horrible thoughts
about their baby. Others are worried that they drank or ate the wrong things or
exercised to much. Most women have a niggling “what if” that they carry around and
beat themselves up with for many months, even years after experiencing a death.
The fact is that nearly a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage despite what
mothers do or not do. According to estimates from the Mayo Clinic and the American
College of Obstetricians, up to 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage (or up to 20%
of all pregnancies). If you are deep in self-blame it may help to research and
understand more. Be gentle with yourself and know that these feelings are normal
and valid. It was not your fault.

The Stages of Grief

A Swiss psychiatrist, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, humanitarian, and co-founder of the

hospice movement around the world, identifies five stages of grief that people move
through after experiencing a loss. It is not a straightforward process, and parents
often loop backwards and forwards for a while before reaching the final stage of
acceptance, and a sense of peace. In the beginning the shock and denial can loom
large. In a moment, the shock can turn to unbridled anger striking out, while you
search for anything and anyone to blame. Perhaps you identify with the deep
depression and detachment which can set in, where you lose your spark, your ability
to connect with life. Where you just want to stay in bed, be alone or perhaps even
entertain dark thoughts of ending your life. If you find yourself stuck in this stage,
please seek help. It is common to have these thoughts and feelings but if you
cannot shift them, and they persist, then you may need more support to climb back
up out of the pits of despair. You will not feel this way forever. You will move through
this stage. Dialogue and bargaining are that silent conversation, that defies
rationality, which many people have in their head. “If I promise to love this
pregnancy, this baby more, will you bring her back God?”. Bargaining is when you
wish, pray or hope that your loved one will be saved in exchange for something else.
Finally, you will reach acceptance. You will learn how to live with the memory of your
beautiful baby in your heart. For now, if this loss is still raw and recent, you may find
yourself infuriated one minute and weeping the next. There is no correct way to
grieve. Allow yourself to move through all of these emotions.

Anxiety and Fear about future pregnancies

After experiencing the death of a baby in utero, many women are understandably
extremely worried about losing a baby again. Suddenly a joyous occasion becomes
a reminder of everything that could and did go wrong. Our hormones create havoc
with our emotions anyway when we are pregnant, now add a previous trauma and
women can experience panic attacks and debilitating anxiety. Pregnancy loss can
trigger grief from previous traumatic experiences also. It is important to talk through
any of these feelings and thoughts with your health care professional, doula or birth
partner. If the loss was connected to a known cause or medical condition you may
want to consult professionals who can provide you with more information about what
happened. The more knowledge and understanding you have, the more you will feel
prepared for a future pregnancy. Seek out the resources and answers you are
looking for. Perhaps there is no definite answer, but sometimes the asking is part of
our healing process. No question is silly except the one that is never asked.
Perhaps there are some changes you want to make, different choices or actions.
Find that person you can talk to and be heard. Someone who will listen and create
the supportive space you need to debrief and explore all your fears. Just being heard
and validated can make an enormous difference. Together with support you can
create some coping strategies and techniques to help you reduce your current
anxieties. Bottling up anxiety or ignoring it and numbing it down will only lead to
more stress and greater anxiety. Birth has a way of bringing all unresolved trauma
or fear in to the birth room. By talking about our fears before the birth, we can
release them.

“Let it go. Let it out. Let it all unravel. Let it free and it can be a path on which to
travel” Michael Leunig

Your Unique Healing Journey

How you choose to move on and process your loss will be unique to you. This is a
list of some activities or ideas that women have found useful on their personal
healing journey after the loss of a baby during pregnancy.
  Journaling
 Write a letter to your baby
 Poetry
 Counseling
 Peer Support
 Naming Ceremony
 Nature Retreat
 Forest Walk
 Warm Baths
 Sound Healing
 Closing The Bones Ceremony
 Rebozo
 Art therapy
 Mandalas
 Crafting with Clay
 Keepsakes and Memory Book
 Aromatherapy
 Homeopathy
 Crystals
 Mindfulness
 Meditation
 Affirmations
 Yoga
 Dance
 Movement
 Women’s Circles

Learning how to calm your mind and focus on the present moment can be very
liberating and freeing. I have worked with women to create the most powerful and
beautiful rituals to encourage space for hope joy and inner calm about their current
pregnancy. A powerful ritual like a Blessingway can help you prepare your heart and
mind for this new birth experience. This is an alternative to a traditional baby shower
that focuses more upon the mother through ceremony and ancestral practices.
Gather around yourself what you need to prepare yourself body mind and soul for
the miracle of this new life growing inside of you. You know what you need. Follow
your intuition. Follow your heart.

References

Albert Einstein College of Medicine (2015) “Survey Finds Miscarriage Widely

Misunderstood” http://www.einstein.yu.edu/news/releases/1089/survey-finds-
miscarriage-widely-misunderstood/
Kübler-Ross, E (2009) On Death and Dying: What the Dying have to teach Doctors,
Nurses, Clergy and their own Families, London: Routledge

Mayo Clinic (2020) “Miscarriage” https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-

conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298