4/15/2019 - 4/21/2019

MALLET NEWSLETTER
The Avenging Crusader Chronicle and Bathroom Companion

Know Your Job

By Taylor Jordan

If you sign up for a position on the Mallet exec board, you’re committing to doing the

requirements of that position for the following term. I cannot stress this enough: if

you’re not gonna do something, then don’t sign up to do it. Each position is important,

and all exec members need to be doing their jobs if Mallet is to function at full capacity.

You can find job descriptions for the different positions on the Mallet website. If you
The Collections
want a position, read them. I sure wish I had read mine. Scribe has to be at every single
Amendment
meeting and has to make these dumb newsletters every week. So read your job
By Taylor Jordan
descriptions, because if you don’t then you might wind up writing articles about people
At the last Constitutional Convention needing to read job descriptions. Trust me, you don’t want that.
our Third Member, Theodore Monk
If you want to be Third Member, you should be somewhat familiar with the Mallet
proposed a new amendment that we will
vote on at elections this Thursday. Constitution. If you want to be Ad Chair, you should be able to reach out to incoming

The amendment, which I’ve dubbed the
‘collections amendment’ for lack of a better
term, hopes to make it easier for Treasurers to
collect dorm dues. It proposes that the
freshman. If you want to be Social Chair, you should be able to organize social events. If
you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Just making sure you were still
with me. If you want to be Scribe, you better be ready to fill up the newsletter with

mandatory 50% increase in dorm dues after the pointless drivel like what you’re reading now. Don’t be scribe.
deadline be eliminated for people who live
outside of the dorm. The reasoning behind it is
that the current policy means that people who
live outside of the dorm may be less likely to
pay after the deadline without being
significantly more likely to pay before the
deadline.
One criticism of the amendment is that it
isn’t fair to people who live in the dorm. We
want to encourage dorm-living however we can,
so it might not be wise to have a deadline just
for those who live in the dorm.
Do you think the Collections Amendment is
a good idea? Let us know at the meeting.

IN THIS ISSUE
Upcoming Events Writers of Mallet Opinion Section
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Upcoming Events Elections

Tuesday 4/16 – Speaker Series w/ Dr. Nevin
7:30 PM at the Highlands Community Center
Wednesday 4/17 – Study Hours
6 PM at the drawing room
Powerpoint Party
7 PM at the drawing room
Thursday 4/18 – Dorm Meeting / Elections
9 PM at the Highlands Community Center
Saturday 4/20 – 4F
Soon we’ll be choosing the next exec
board. Filling the important positions
with reliable people is extremely
important for the Assembly. If you’re
running, get your speeches ready. If
you’re voting, figure out where you
stand. Let’s set ourselves up with a
Mallet leadership that we trust to get
things done and keep Mallet moving in
the right direction.

Powerpoint Party
The Life of Rolf Steiner:
Have you ever wanted to say something to a
My Upcoming Presentation room full of people but you keep getting kicked out of
By Taylor Jordan
Ted Talks for grabbing the mic? Here’s your time to
At the Powerpoint Party mentioned here, shine. Come with a lecture, timeshare pitch, or rant
I’ll be doing a presentation on the life of Rolf and we’ll all pretend to care about it. Get ready to
Steiner, a West German mercenary who fought learn, on accident.
for two different African separatist armies
during the Cold War. The conflicts in which he
was involved would have both created new
countries if they had went differently. These
countries would have been Biafra, part of
present-day Nigeria, and Anyanya, part of
present-day South Sudan.
In 1967, Steiner signed up for a
mercenary expedition to the newly- 4F
independent republic of Biafra. Biafra had
One night. Four freshmen. Four twenty.
seceded from Nigeria the same year over
Make sure to catch the new members’ first ever
economic, religious, and ethnic tensions.
planned event this Saturday.
Biafrans mostly belonged to the Igbo ethnic
group, while Nigerian politics was dominated
by the Hausa and Fulani. In 1968, he and the
Biafran Air Force successfully attacked a
federal Nigerian airfield. He stayed in Biafra
longer than most European fighters and even
fought without pay for months.
After returning to Europe, Steiner heard
about the plight of South Sudanese Christians
through a contact in a charity. He offered his
services to Ugandan Prime Minister Idi Amin
and travelled to South Sudan. The Moru, Nuer,
Lotuko, Madi, Bari, Acholi, Zande, and Dinka
tribes had risen up against the government in
1969, beginning the First Sudanese Civil War.
Anyanya was the name for this movement and
it means “snake venom” in the Madi language.
In 1971, Steiner became involved in a
struggle between Amin and the Ugandan
President. He was charged with “crimes
against Africa.” After three years of torture and
imprisonment, he returned to Germany.

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Writers of Mallet
Mallet is home to many talented writers. This part
of the newsletter showcases some of our work. All
Malleteers are free to contribute, but entries must
be short enough to fit on a page.
Submit your writing to
MalletScribeOverlord@gmail.com to be featured.
The Mind of Judith (excerpt)
By Taylor Jordan
Judith MacMillan was one of the
foremost clinical psychologists of her time. She
shunned fame. She happily allowed her
colleagues to plagiarize her ideas. The glory was
never her goal; she lived for the patients. Her
name will probably never make it into textbooks
but make no mistake: she possessed one of the
greatest minds in her field… and she was losing
it.
As soon as word got out that she had
been committed, psychologists came out of the
woodworks, down from their ivory towers, to
postulate and theorize and diagnose her. People
she had worked with were falling over each
other to save her. People she had worked against
were scrambling to label her invalid.
I was chosen, or allowed rather, partly
due to my reluctance. I was no fanboy hoping to
attach her name to my own. I was no busybody
trying to discredit her findings. I was like her,
simply a doctor trying to do my job.
There was another reason I had been
selected, though. I specialized in a rare symptom
that she had been exhibiting for the first time:
hypergraphia – the compulsive urge to write.
She was fortunate to have her own
psychiatric hospital. It was run on her teachings
and built as her practice. In many ways, she was
more at home there than I was. When I got there,
her presence was obvious even before I reached
the part that was covered in her graffiti.
Some of it was total gibberish. Other
parts very profound. She was clearly someone
who was very intelligent… but very ill.
When I reached her chamber she nearly
jumped up the wall. She wasn’t expecting
company.
“Are you the nurse?” she croaked.
“No, I’m a psychologist.” I said. She
recoiled at the word.
“Psychologist?! I’ll have no
psychologists here. It’s no place for them.” It
was as if I had introduced myself to a demon as
a priest.
I chuckled. “You’re in a mental hospital.
This is exactly the place for psychologists. I’ll
have you remember that you’re one too.”
“Not anymore.” she said, scurrying to the
shelf where she pulled out a journal.
“What do you mean?”
“I renounce the title. I abdicate!” she
proclaimed, as if she were queen of anything.
“It doesn’t work like that. You’re
published. The world knows you as a
psychologist.”
“Your world, maybe.” she scoffed, and
started scribbling in her notebook.
MALLET
“Could I see that?” I asked, hoping to see
which other worlds she might be thinking of.
“It’s not finished.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing yet.”
“What’ll it be?”
“The word of God.” she said matter-of-
factly. That was when I knew I had my work cut
out for me.
I wasn’t the first to attempt to treat her.
Others had come and been defeated, and I had
their notes. She refused to take any type of drug.
She liked to play head games. One therapist had
had a nervous breakdown after spending a few
weeks where I now stood, doing what I was
trying to do.
“I know all your tricks.” she said after
pausing to write for a while.
“I don’t have any tricks.” I stuttered. For
some reason I got the feeling that she was onto
me.
“Don’t give me that. I was one too once,
remember? A psychologist. I know the drill.
Make the diagnosis, write the scrip, make
everything seem normal again.”
“Do things seem abnormal to you?” I
retorted.
She leaned in. “Fuck normal. What’s
normal?”
I thought for a second. “Healthy.”
Without missing a beat, she said “Are disabled
people healthy?”
“They can be.”
“But they’re not ‘normal,’ are they?”
“They’re not the ones I’m meant to treat.
They have physical therapists.”
“Look, I don’t need any kind of
therapist. I’m not disabled.”
“I never said you were.”
“Well, I’m not unhealthy.”
“Then why are you here?”
“This is my home.” she said with a
victorious smirk.
I felt unsettled. I should have been
happy. It was the first time she admitted
believing something that was clearly not true.
Although, in a way, it felt truer than anything I
had said.
“Your home is out there.” I said,
pointing to the window.
“No, that’s your home. I live in here.”
Only then did I realize what she meant.
This was her domain. She didn’t lay any bricks
or mortar, but by any practical consideration she
built this clinic. She had treated countless
patients here. In her mind, she was still in
charge. I was an intruder, an outsider. Maybe to
her, I was the mental case.
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This is real

The Boston Mollassacre

By Taylor Jordan A similar event once took place in If anything, the story of the Boston

Ireland. The difference is that this time, the Mollassacre should remind us of the responsibility
In the year 1919, there was a terrible
flood was whiskey, and it was on fire. that corporations have to the communities that
disaster in Boston. Massachusetts. An
Despite the catastrophic nature of the event, host them. You wouldn’t want a flood of molasses
explosion caused a massive spill of
townspeople gathered the liquor in their
molasses. Huge amounts of molasses came coursing down your street. If you were a badass
boots and drank as much of it as they could
slushing through the streets of Boston like a
like the historical Irish, though, you might want
on the spot. More people were injured by
combination of Titanic and Cloudy With A
alcohol poisioning than by the flooding or a flaming flood of whiskey, in which case, badass.
Chance Of Meatballs.
the fire.

Opinion:

It Should Be Easy to Remove Negligent Execs

By Taylor Jordan
The Mallet Assembly is a completely voluntary organization.
Our executive committee is not motivated by money or power.
Stuff gets done in the Assembly only when we decide that we
want to do it. That said, it’s not uncommon for stuff not to get
done. Without salaries to withhold or loved ones to hold hostage,
the only fire under the asses of our execs is the threat of
impeachment. That’s why it should be an easy and un-
stigmatized process to remove sitting execs if they aren’t doing
their jobs.
If the jobs that we entrust to executive committee members
weren’t important, we wouldn’t have elected someone to do
them. If these jobs don’t get done, then it sets the whole
organization back. Mallet has lost precious time and
opportunities in the past by allowing do-nothing execs to waste
their terms out of apathy or laziness.
It’s important to maintain due process. The burden of proof
should always be on the impeacher(s) to prove that the
impeachee is impeachable. There is a clear procedure in the
Constitution for impeachment. It should be followed lest some
faction within Mallet attempts a politically-motivated takeover
of the board.
I don’t really think the impeachment process needs to be
changed. At least, I don’t know enough about the impeachment
process to be able to say whether it needs to be changed. To
change it would require a constitutional amendment, but I don’t
think that’s necessary. Whether the current process works or
not, it won’t work if we don’t ever initiate impeachments. I’m not
saying we should necessarily impeach more people. I don’t have
any complaint about any sitting execs. I just want to bring up the
stigma and assert that there’s nothing wrong with initiating
impeachment if an exec is being negligent. That’s really the
point of this article: don’t be afraid to impeach negligent execs.

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