Nourishing the Different Types of Intimacy in Your Relationship

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Associate Editor
Last updated: 8 Jul 2018
  ~ 3 MIN READ
When we talk about being intimate in a romantic relationship, we often equate it to sexual
intimacy. But sex is just one form of intimacy.

“Intimacy is a process whereby we feel truly seen, known by and connected to our partner,”
said Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, a psychotherapist who provides individual and couples
counseling in Washington, D.C.

And this can manifest in many ways. Here are other types of intimacy and how you can
nourish each one.
Emotional Intimacy
Being emotionally intimate with a partner means that you can talk to them about your
innermost thoughts, said Michael A. Giordano, LICSW, a psychotherapist, who specializes in
couples, sex therapy and non-traditional relationships in Washington, D.C.
You’re able to share your joy and pain with your partner. “It’s the person you can cry with.”

Kogan agreed. “Truly understanding your partner, being able to be vulnerable, and share
feelings is key to emotional intimacy.”
She cited John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House, which features seven components of
healthy relationships. One component is building love maps, which is how well we know our
partner’s psychological worlds, their history and hopes, and their worries and joys.
You can build love maps by asking open-ended questions and really listening to your
partner’s responses. Kogan shared these examples of questions: “What has it felt like for
you being a father to our new baby? Where do you see yourself living or working/retiring in
5 years?”

Giordano also stressed the importance of being honest with ourselves. If you’re feeling
emotionally disconnected from your partner, explore what might be underlying this
disconnection. “It could be a host of reasons. It could have something to do with your
partner or yourself.”

For instance, one of Giordano’s clients wasn’t emotionally connected to their partner
because they were drinking every night. Maybe you’re feeling disconnected because you’re
still upset about something your partner did or you’re keeping a secret.

Other issues such as anxiety, depression or any kind of ongoing stress can affect an
emotional connection, he said.
Intellectual Intimacy
This includes “exchanging ideas and thoughts about things you think and care about,”
Kogan said.
For instance, to deepen your intellectual intimacy, you might share your favorite songs,
poems or books, she said. “You can even have an intimate book club for two where you
read a book and discuss.”

You also might share your thoughts about life in general or interests such as volunteering
and places you’d like to travel, she said.

Physical Intimacy
Physical intimacy is not the same as sexual intimacy. It’s essentially being affectionate with
each other, which can include everything from hugging to holding hands to kissing to
cuddling on the couch.

Again, if you’re feeling a disconnect here, Giordano suggested exploring why. For instance,
if your partner tries to massage your neck, but you’re shrinking away, consider where this
reaction is coming from, he said. Pay attention to your thoughts and the reactions you have
to your partner’s touch.

It’s also helpful to talk about it (or to talk with a therapist), he said. If your partner is the one
who seems to be disconnected from you, ask them about it. Avoid “creating a story about
what’s going on with them.”

First, ask your partner when they’d like to talk. This way they “can be prepared and don’t
feel attacked.” Approach the conversation with kindness. If either of you finds your emotions
are escalating and you can’t be kind anymore, take a break, and agree to talk another time,
he said.

Also, when talking to each other, have a “spirit of inquiry and understanding.” For instance,
Giordano suggested these statements: “I’d like to hear more about that. How would you feel
about that? What’s that like for you?”

Experiential Intimacy
Couples don’t have to do everything together, but it’s important to share some experiences
(without any distractions, such as electronic gadgets), Kogan said. For instance, this might
include taking a walk, biking, seeing a movie, or even sitting in a garden, she said.

Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy is sharing awe-inspiring moments together, Kogan said. This might mean
“worshipping as a couple” or “walking hand-in-hand in nature.”

If you feel disconnected from your partner in any of these areas, again, it’s important to talk
to them (or see a therapist). In fact, talking to your partner about intimacy can actually build
intimacy, Giordano said.

In other words, if you’re able to be open and honest with each other, to listen to what your
partner is saying and to try to understand where they’re coming from, then you’re already
nurturing your connection.