DPS Published script 8162015 8-6-15 IT’S ONLY A PLAY A Comedy By Terrence McNallyDPS Published script 8/6/2015 CHARACTERS, PETER AUSTIN — The playwright. Everything is riding on tonight. JULIA BUDDER - The producer. Attractive and genuinely nice. IRA DREW - The critic. Wears glasses and has food stains on his tie. FRANK FINGER - The director. Soon to be knighted. VIRGINIA NOYES ~ The star. She has an electronic bracelet on her ankle. GUS P. HEAD ~ The temporary help. Fresh off the farm. JAMES WICKER - The best friend. He used to be a stage actor. SETTING The time of the play is now. The place of the play is Julia Budder’s townhouse.DPS Published seript 8/6/15 1 ACT ONE The bedroom in JULIA BUDDER’s townhouse. It is a large room with a king-sized bed, a chaise, several armchairs, a television set with a remote control, a bookcase and a desk with several telephones all with buttons to access different lines. There are two doors: one leads to the bathroom and dressing area; the other to the hallway and stairs. Thus, we can see people on the stairs before they enter the room itself. There are two windows, drapes drawn, fronting the street. Atrise: there is a party in progress downstairs. Although the bedroom is empty, we can hear voices, laughter and piano music drifting up from the living room one floor below. It sounds like a lot of people. Also, the bed is heaped with winter coats, some of them fur, all of them expensive. GUS HEAD is seen coming up the stairs. He is dressed in a dinner jacket. He is carrying a load of men’s and women’s coats. He comes into the bedroom and closes the door. The party sounds grow fainter. He tosses the coats onto the pile and crosses to the desk, picks up the phone and excitedly punch dials a number. Gus (Into phone.) Mr. Piper? It’s me again. Guess who just walked in down there and handed me his coat? Al Pacino! Can you believe it? This place is crawling with famous people. Donald Trump looked right at me and asked me for a glass of Dom Perignon. I told him I was taking coats. My first night in New York and I’m High-Fiving Denzel Washington. I’m pretty sure I saw Rosie O'Donnell talking to the Pope. Thank you for this opportunity, Mr. Piper, this could be the break I needed. I got the talent, sir. All I need is the opportunity to show it. (JAMES WICKER comes into the room, speaking to someone on the stairs in the hallway just outside. The sounds of the party below swell as the door opens.) JAMES, Wasn’t it wonderful? Yes! I’ll be right down. Thank you!DPS Published script 8/6/15 (He closes the door behind him. Party sounds fade.) Gus (Into phone.) I’ve seen this one somewhere, too. (To JAMES.) The guest bathroom is across the hall. JAMES I'm taking a phone call. I couldn’t hear a thing in that mob down there. Gus Someone needs this, Mr. Piper, I gotta go. (He hangs up.) JAMES ‘That's all right, take your time. Gus It’s all yours, sir. JAMES Thank you. (Into phone.) Hello? Hello? Gus Push the button. JAMES The button, of course! I’d almost forgotten how these things work. I dropped my cell phone getting out of the limo and it went completely dead on me. I haven't felt this cut off since I was in rehab. That was a joke. Gus Yes, sir. Were you in the play tonight? JAMES I don’t think so. That was another joke. No, I'm just a guest.DPS Published script 3 816/15 GUS Yes, sir. JAMES (Into phone.) Hello! This is Jimmy Wicker again, Kylie... Terrible weather, just terrible. We're having a blizzard. To think I used to put up with this! .... How long has she been on with him? Yes, I'll hold. (To GUS.) California. They're all dying to know how the play went tonight. GUS Everyone is. Mrs. Budder is calling this the party of the year for the play of the season. JAMES That's our Julia. GUS What did you think? JAMES Wonderful, just wonderful. GUS Too bad you're not a critic. JAMES Tonight everyone’s a critic. You haven't seen the play? GUS I'm temporary help. This is a one-night stand for me. JAMES Tonight is a one-night stand for a lot of people. That was my last joke. GUS That’s okay, sir, one of these days I'll get one. Hi, I'm GusDPS Published script 8/6/15 JAMES James Wicker but everyone calls me Jimmy. (Into phone.) Hello! Hello! (To GUS.) False alarm. Are you in the business, Gus? Gus No, sir, I’m an actor. JAMES 1 didn’t mean to pry. Gus I'm an inter-disciplinary theatre artist. JAMES So you're an unemployed actor. Gus I'm an actor-slash-singer-slash-dancer-slash-comedian-slash-performance artist-slash-mime. I have a black belt in karate and can operate heavy farm equipment. Other skills, on request. Favorite role to date: Konstantin in Anton Chekhov’s The Seagull. JAMES P'm still with the heavy farm equipment. Gus Tractors, threshers, reapers, sowers....! JAMES That must come in handy. GUS Not so far.DPS Published script 8/6/15 JAMES Iwas thinking ahead: The Cherry Orchard. Gus Once you've done Chekhov, you don’t want to do anything else. JAMES ‘That’s what Madonna said. I’ve never done any Chekhov myself. Gus Are you an actor? JAMES Tam. Gus Are you Equity? JAMES Equity, SAG-AFTRA, AGVA. ASPCA. GUS Wow. JAMES I'm ona series, Out On A Limb. GUS Wow. A television series? JAMES ABC. Wednesday at nine. Gus Wow. JAMES We just wrapped our 9" season.DPS Published script 8/6/15 GUS Wow. JAMES Iplay a man who has a way with small children and animals. It takes place ona farm for orphans. It’s funny and touching. I’m very proud of it. GUS Wow. JAMES And here I am, 5-Best-Actor-Emmy-Award-nominations-later eagerly awaiting the reception of my best friend’s play. GUS You're Mr. Austin’s best friend? JAMES, We were like Romulus and Remus: hungry young theatre wannabes suckling at the fecund breast of the not-for-profits -- Playwrights Horizons, Manhattan Theatre Club, Second Stage, the Public. Those were the days, Gus. I went West, young man, but we've stayed best friends. Gus Wow. That’s a beautiful story. I love playwrights. JAMES Wait till you work with one. (Into phone.) Yes, I’m still here, Kylie! Where else would I be? (To GUS.) My agent calls and puts me on hold. She's on with Ryan Seacrest. Gus Ryan Seacrest, wow! JAMES He’s one of my best friends.DPS Published script T 8/6/15 GUS Wow. JAMES We're in the same Pilates class. Gus Wow. JAMES We both dated Ellen DeGeneres Gus Wow. JAMES. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you stop saying “Wow.” (Into phone.) Hello? Hello! (To GUS.) She's just finishing up. Is this is your first big Broadway opening? Gus My first anything. I just got here. There I was, wandering around Times Square, looking pretty green with my suitcase when a total stranger approached me: a producer-slash-agent-slash-photographer. He could have approached anyone but he approached me. JAMES Wow. That's a real New York story. Gus He got me this job tonight and he’s going to take some pictures of me when I get back. JAMES When you get back?DPS Published script 8/6/15 Gus I'm staying with him. He keeps a spare room for people like me. Maybe you know him, Peter Piper? JAMES No, but I know the type. Mr. Piper sounds too good to be true or maybe in your case: too true to be good. This town’s going to eat you alive. (Into phone.) Hello? There you are, Suzi, finally! ... I know, Ryan is very needy. Give him my love. “How did the play go tonight?” Wonderful, just wonderful. (He holds his empty glass up to GUS.) I'm drinking bourbon, three fingers, neat. Oh, what the hell: bring a bottle, save yourself a trip. Gus Right away, sir (TORCH, the Budder’s dog, is heard rampaging in the bathroom. It is a terrible sound to hear.) JAMES What in God’s name is that? cus The dog JAMES, What dog? GUS Mrs. Budder’s dog, Torch. He got out and bit that woman who’s on TV all the time. JAMES Not Oprah? GUS No, the other one.DPS Published script 8/6/15 JAMES Torch bit Kelly Rippa? Gus He went straight for her face. JAMES, That's terrible. I’m supposed to be on her show tomorrow. GUS They took her to Mt. Sinai along with Mr. Budder. JAMES ‘What happened to Mr. Budder? Gus He got mugged before the play tonight. JAMES (Into phone.) Hold on, darling, this is too good. (To GUS.) Where was he mugged? Gus In the men’s room at Sardis. It’s the first time it’s happened and they're a very old restaurant. I'll be right up with your drink, sir. (He goes. Sounds of party downstairs increase as he opens the door, they subside when it is closed. This will become a fami pattern.) JAMES, (Into phone.) I'm in New York at an opening night party sitting in the townhouse of a Broadway producer whose dog bit Kellly Rippa and whose husband got mugged in the men’s room at Sardi’s. Meanwhile there’s a raging blizzard and a cab strike. I will never knock Los Angeles again. Where was I? Oh, the play!DPS Published script 10 8/6/15 (He makes himself comfortable for a long haul on the telephone. He takes a silver-plated bowl of snacks from a side table and nibbles on them throughout the phone call that follows.) Darling, what is your traditional Thanksgiving dinner? Well this one is a 300-pound Butterball. Bernadette Peters asked me what I thought at intermission and all I did was flap my arms and go “Gobble, gobble”. She wet herself... What about Virginia Noyes? She was terrible, just terrible. 1 haven't seen a performance like that since her last one. Of course she came back to the theatre. After her last two pictures, she had to go somewhere. I know she used to be good. She used to be wonderful. So was Faye Dunaway .... Terrible direction, just terrible, Boy wonder he well may be; the new Mike Nichols he’s not. Frank something. Of course he’s British. They all are. Someone should call Immigration.....Sets? What sets? It took place on a tilted disk... You heard me, a goddamn tilted disc. Not a stick of furniture. The actors had to stand the entire play. Call me old-fashioned but give me a comfortable chair and a phone for the exposition. Oh, and guess who was sitting next to me? Rita Moreno in a Day-Glo turban, Snoring like a teamster. I wish you could have seen her face when I introduced her as Chita Rivera! I thought she’d bite me. How did who look, ita or Rita? Terrible, just terrible. Now ask me about Jack Nimble’s performance. Terrible, just terrible. But tell me this and tell me no more, when was he ever any good? All of my mannerisms and none of my warmth. Of course I would have been wonderful in the part -- it was written for me. Thank God for my series or I might have had to tell Peter the truth about his God-awful play. But do you think I got so much as even a mention in the program? I only created the lead in his one and only hit -- and it’s as if I never existed. The egos in this business! I know they don’t close plays after one performance but in this case they should make an exception, What's the word fora mercy killing? Euthanasia? They do it for people, why not plays? But what do I know? What do any of us old gypsies know? I liked Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Watch this one be a hit. (The party sounds rise as VIRGINIA NOYES enters the bedroom She closes the door behind her and lets out one long, loud, piercing scream.) VIRGINIA Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (That done, she’s much better now.)DPS Published script ul 8/6/15 Hello, I’m Virginia Noyes, I’m a little stressed and I need to pee. JAMES You were wonderful tonight, Miss Noyes, just wonderful. I was just telling the Coast how wonderful you were. VIRGINIA You got the Coast on there? Give me that thing! (She takes the receiver.) Hello, California, this is Virginia Noyes. I just opened on Broadway and you can all go fuck yourselves. When you're done doing that, you can stick my Oscar up your collective ass! (She hands the phone back to JAMES.) Am going to regret that? JAMES Only if you ever want to make another motion picture. VIRGINIA After tonight? No way. I showed them who’s nished. Excuse me. (She exits into bathroom.) JAMES (Into phone.) Virginia Noyes. They drummed her out of Hollywood and she came crawling back to Broadway. The theatre has become the Statue of Liberty for movie actors: “Give us your tired, your poor, your washed up, your strung out.”... [ know, I should bite my tongue. There but for the grace of God go all of us. (He remembers GUS’s warning.) Oh my God, the dog! Miss Noyes! Miss Noyes! VIRGINIA (Off.) Hold your horses. JAMES: Be careful of that dog in there.DPS Published seript 2 8/6/15 VIRGINIA (Off.) What dog? JAMES There’s a vicious dog in there. VIRGINIA (Off.) Where? JAMES On the floor, I should think! VIRGINIA (Off.) Is that what that is? I thought it was a toilet brush. JAMES Be careful. VIRGINIA (Off.) I'm giving him a Valium. JAMES ~ (Back into phone.) T think she’s making crystal meth in there. She’s the poster child for modern pharmaceuticals. You name it, she’s swallowed it. (Suddenly serious, the real purpose of this call.) Listen, what were our ratings like?.... I told the network not to put us in that time slot. I can’t compete with a reality show; I'ma human being. They can’t cancel us. I’m having the swimming pool moved. Don’t they know what that costs?..... 'll kill myself. Tell ABC I’ll Kill myself... Please, Suzi, I don’t need the stress. I’m here to celebrate the opening of my best friend’s play. I'll be back late tomorrow. We'll strategize. Yes, mother. Yes, yes, yes. Big kisses. Ciao. (He hangs up. GUS enters struggling with a fur coat of exaggerated length.) JAMES, Don’t tell me, let me guess: Tommy Tune.DPS Published script 13 8/6/15 GUS I'm sorry, sir? JAMES Gus, if you want to be in the theatre, you've got to know something about it. One, Tommy Tune is a very tall, legendary director of musical theatre who hasn’t had a show in 45 years but no matter. Two, you've got to stop calling everyone “sir”. Unless we're British, we don’t like it Gus Yes, sir. JAMES I wanted to be in the theatre so no one would ever call me “sit”. We like “darling” or “Honey” or “angel” or “Pussycat” or “cupcake” or “love” or “lamb” or “petal.” Well, you catch my drift. i Gus Yes, sir. I forgot your bourbon, lil’ nipper. JAMES (I think P've made a terrible mistake!) That's all right, Gus, I'll go myself. GUS Mrs. Budder asked you to wait for her up here. She just got back from the hospital and wants to speak to you about something in confidence. JAMES But I’m missing the party. (VIRGINIA comes out of the bathroom.) VIRGINIA Good boy. cus You let someone go in there? (VIRGINIA closes the bathroom door.)DPS Published script 4 8/6/15 VIRGINIA Dogs love Valium. I took my Irish Wolfhound to New Zealand and he didn’t wake up till we were three weeks into the shoot. JAMES I think we've heard the last of Torch. VIRGINIA ‘You through with this? I need a land-line. (She picks up a cordless telephone receiver.) If call from a cell phone, they can’t trace where I’m calling from. JAMES Who are you trying to call? VIRGINIA My parole officer. (Into phone.) Hello! This is Virginia Noyes. I’m at my opening night party. I'm being a good girl... I’m calling you from 212..... (She turns away as she continues the conversation.) z Gus Is that who I think it is? She's my favorite actress after Sissy Spacek. JAMES That's the first interesting thing you've said all evening. Gus She was amazing in that movie. JAMES She was good Gus That scene with the frogs! She thanked them in her Oscar speech.DPS Published script 15 8/6/15 VIRGINIA (Hanging up.) I don’t have to call in again for another couple of hours. For a while they had me checking in every 15 minutes. What did they think I was going to do? Kill somebody else? It was an accident. It wasn’t like they were both my parents. (She empties her purse and starts sorting things out.) Let’s see, what have we got? Weed, Xanax, valium, Vicodin, uppers, downers, horse sedative (this stuff" Il kill you), Ecstasy, Vitamin E, Revlon Lip gloss, Tic Tacs, coke. Come to mama. (JAMES and GUS watch her prepare a line of coke.) I’ve been walking the straight and narrow since rehearsals started. I promised myself a mini-bump tonight for good behavior. | told the judge: 1 don’t have a drug problem. It’s a choice I make. No one believes in free will anymore. (JAMES and GUS watch her do a line of coke.) Jesus, Mary and Joseph and throw in John the Baptist while you're at it, it was worth the wait. (To JAMES.) I'm sorry, you want a hit? JAMES, No, thank you, I had some at home. VIRGINIA You; sweetheart? Gus I gotta stay on the ball tonight. VIRGINIA Take this before I want more. (She hands JAMES the cocaine.) Gus I love your work, Miss Noyes. VIRGINIA Thanks. I’m sure I’ll love yours.DPS Published script 16 8/6/15 JAMES Don’t get him started. Gus The scene with the frogs. VIRGINIA Those goddamn frogs. That’s all anybody talks about! Bring me a vodka stinger and [’ll tell you all about those frogs. Gus Coming right up, sweetheart. (GUS goes.) VIRGINIA He’s cute ~ too familiar but cute. JAMES He didn’t have a clue who I was. VIRGINIA Who are you? JAMES I'm James Wicker. VIRGINIA James Wicker. JAMES, We did a film together. VIRGINIA When? JAMES Elegy For Myself.DPS Published script 7 8/6/15 VIRGINIA Were you in that? ‘ JAMES Iwas your psychotherapist VIRGINIA They had one on the set for me? JAMES, Iwas in the movie. VIRGINIA James Wicker! Of course! We had to do all those re-takes because I was coming off Percoset. JAMES, You kept falling asleep on my couch. VIRGINIA Hello, hello, how the hell are you? I love your work. I love it, I love it, I love it. JAMES Back at you. VIRGINIA You son of a bitch! When they sent me Peter’s play, they told me you were doing Jack’s part. You were one of the reasons I signed. JAMES There was some talk about it, they wanted me desperately, actually, but with my series... VIRGINIA You've got a series? JAMES Nine years now. Out On A Limb.DPS Published script 18 8/6/15 VIRGINIA I doa lot of self-destructive things but I draw the line at television. . JAMES I just take the money and run, VIRGINIA But are you happy? JAMES Iwas going to ask you the same question. VIRGINIA lam fan-fucking-tastic. Living in L.A. so long, you forget what being on a real stage is like. There’s nothing like it. No place to run, no place to hide, no re-takes. Just you in a pool of light and Him. JAMES Him? VIRGINA God. JAMES Oh, that him. VIRGINIA The thing about theatre is this: it’s actually happening at the very moment it is. JAMES ‘You just figured that out? VIRGINIA It blew my mind. I was in a play tonight. My performance didn’t walk out the door with the dailies. It was there, not for all time, but just for the moment. You had to be there to see it. Talk about existential. Fuck me, Jean-Paul Sartre, fuck me. I bet you miss all this.DPS Published script 19 8/6/15 JAMES Not really. I’m too old, too rich and too famous. Eight shows a week is a lot of work. VIRGINIA I'm only doing six. I don’t even get the concept of a matinee. My agents said Iwas crazy to do a play. JAMES A lot of people would agree. Wild horses couldn’t get me up there again. VIRGINIA Well, my loins are girded. Come on, I’ll buy you a drink. JAMES Td love to but I’m waiting for our hostess. VIRGINIA If Liza sings, you're going to miss it. JAMES You mean there’s a chance that she won't? VIRGINIA That’s unkind, JAMES I’ve been on a sit-com so long I think I have to say something funny even when I don’t. She’s one of my best friends. VIRGINIA She’s a cunt. I mean that in the best possible sense of the word. (She goes. JAMES looks at his watch.) JAMES It must be getting time for the first review on New York 1 (He turns on the television with the remote control.)DPS Published script 20 8/6/15 TV ANNOUNCER ---accumulation of 11 inches, After the break we we'll be right back with the first review of tonight’s big opening at the Ethel Barrymore-—. (JAMES hits the Mute button on the remote but holds onto the remote control itself.) JAMES I dread this. They're gonna crucify him. (The door is flung open. FRANK FINGER is seen at the top of the stairs. He wears heavy wool gloves and a wool hat. He yells to VIRGINIA at the bottom of the stairs.) FRANK ‘They're all phonies down there, Virginia, don’t say I didn’t warn you! (He comes into the room and slams the door behind him.) Thate theatre people. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Darling, darling, darling. I don’t like being kissed, especially by men I don’t know and don’t care to. Everybody's darling this, darling that. Doesn’t anybody have a fucking name? You know what I say? Puke on those phonies, puke all over them. 1 might take a dump on them while I'm atit. A big dump, dump, dump. (He finally acknowledges a dumbstruck JAMES.)What are you looking at? JAMES Opening nights are dreadful ~ all that nervous insincerity. This waiting for the reviews is torture. Can you imagine what it must be like for them? I’m James Wicker. FRANK T know who you are. JAMES You're the first person this evening who does. Do you know who's reviewing for New York | now? FRANK Some idiot.DPS Published script 2 8/6/15 JAMES, ‘She gave me that incredible rave for Peter’s play. FRANK They're all idiots. It’s a job requirement ~ along with dandruff and personal hygiene issues. JAMES They’re just doing their job. FRANK Reviews are what's killing the theatre. JAMES Good ones aren't. I’m still trying to get my niece a pair for Wicked, (FRANK is warming his gloved hands.) Are you cold? FRANK I’m always cold. I’ve been cold all my life. (FRANK has picked up a small, decorative objet dart and is intently examining it.) How much do you think something like this is worth? JAMES Several thousand dollars, I should think. FRANK Several thousand dollars for a box! JAMES. It’s more than just a box, it’s an antique box. FRANK And someone like Artaud and the entire Theatre of Cruelty died in total poverty.DPS Published script 22 8/6/15 JAMES I don’t think Mrs. Budder personally killed them. Whoever they were, they don’t sound like very nice people. FRANK, They weren't. That's why the theatre needed them. We're overrun with nice people. We need shits and sons of bitches if we're ever going to get it right again. (He pockets the box. JAMES’ eyes widen in disbelief. FRANK looks right at him.) What? JAMES. I saw that. FRANK So? JAMES You’re putting me in an extremely difficult position. Mrs. Budder is one of my closest. (JAMES sees the critic he’s been waiting for finally coming up on the TV.) Here we go, the first review. (He presses the remote control on the TV. The sound comes back up at once.) TV ANNOUNCER NY1's theatre critic was at the Barrymore Theatre for the opening of a new play tonight. FRANK May I have that? (FRANK takes the remote from JAMES.)DPS Published script 23 8/6/15 TV ANNOUNCER Well, it’s like this. Peter Austin’s eagerly awaited new play, The Golden Egg, love that title, is— (FRANK presses the remote. The sound goes off.) JAMES What happened? FRANK I don’t believe in reviews. JAMES ‘Are you crazy? Turn that back on. (FRANK turns the sound back up.) TV ANNOUNCER ...working in an idiom totally dissimilar from his previous plays, almost as if they were in preparation for this, his Broadway debut, Mr. Austin has given us a play that is both— (FRANK turns the sound off.) JAMES What is the matter with you? FRANK Watching only encourages them. JAMES T'd like to know what she thinks. FRANK Why do you care? JAMES She's a critic.DPS Published script 24 8/6/15 FRANK She's an asshole. JAMES That’s not the point. FRANK What is the point? JAMES What the asshole thinks. FRANK I'd rather know what you thought. JAMES, I loved it. (The reviews for PETER’s play are a matter of life and death to JAMES.) FRANK You loved it? JAMES, Yes, I loved it! What do you want from me? FRANK Your honest opinion. JAMES, Allright, my best friend wrote it for me and I tuned it down because 1 thought it was a piece of shit and I want to see if that asshole agrees with me. FRANK Your best friend? JAMES Peter. Peter Austin.DPS Published script 25 8/615 FRANK Peter Austin wrote a piece of shit for you? JAMES Not on purpose. In this business, we're all capable of shit. FRANK I know, I’ve watched your series. (FRANK turns up the volume.) TV ANNOUNCER ...superb, no, I take that back: perfect staging by Frank Finger, the brilliant young English director who gave us last season’s ravishing Arden of Feversham at the Halliburton Amphitheatre in Prospect Park. Thank you and goodnight. Back to you, Bob. (There is a burst of applause from the party downstairs. FRANK turns off TV with remote control.) JAMES, It sounds liked she liked it. FRANK Of course she liked it, look who directed it. JAMES. Please, don’t give me Frank Finger. You're talking to someone who actually sat through his all-male Three Sisters. I took my poor mother. I think it’s what killed her. FRANK I'm Frank Finger. JAMES. But it was wonderful, just wonderful. She was very old. Everyone said it was her time. So you’re Frank Finger!DPS Published script 26 8/6/15 FRANK It’s Sir Frank, actually, O.B.E. JAMES OBE? FRANK Order of the British Empire. (The door opens. JULIA BUDDER is seen at the top of the stairs.) JULIA (To others, off.) Thank you! Isn’t it exciting? I’ll be right down. (JULIA comes into the bedroom.) JAMES There she is! JULIA I did it, {did it, I did it! I’m a real live Broadway producer. Look out, Broadway, here comes Julia Budder. JAMES Not only is Julia Budder the luckiest producer in New York, she’s also the prettiest. JULIA Tam no longer part of the herd of investors who call themselves producers. When they announce the Best Play Tony Award winner this year, it will be just me walking to the podium to accept. Last year, they counted 85 of us up there. Variety called it The Night of the Locusts. I will walk with great pride and dignity, blowing kisses to all and sundry, rather like your queen, Sir Frank. And when I make my acceptance speech, just let that orchestra dare to cut me off. I'll talk all night if I want to, (Frank can’t bear to be in this room either.)DPS Published script 27 8/6/15 FRANK Tell Julia what you thought of the play. (Tossing the purloined antique box to JAMES.) JAMES, Tloved it! (FRANK goes. JAMES is still holding the antique box.) JULIA Please don’t handle that, James. It’s extremely delicate, JAMES Thanks to me, you're lucky you still have it. (JULIA sits and begins to take off the galoshes under her evening dress.) JULIA Have you seen that mob down there? I don’t know half of them. I said to one woman, “You look like Hillary Clinton.” She said, “I hope so. Tam Hillary Clinton.” You heard NY 1? My first review. “Good solid theatre.” JAMES “Good solid theatre.” JULIA You have to imagine it blown up. I was hoping for something with a little more oomph in it but coming from them, our press agent says it’s a rave. JAMES Who’s your press agent? JULIA Buzz, Buzz something. He’s tops in his field. You really think we have a chance? JAMES It’s going to be the biggest hit on Broadway since God knows when.DPS Published script 28 8/6/15 JULIA God Knows When? Don’t tell me! Let me guess. Kaufman and Hart? Neil Simon? Painter! Harold Painter: God Knows When! JAMES It’s a figure of speech, Julia JULIA (Shaking her head at it all.) Irving Berlin said it best: ““There’s no business like the one we're in.” JAMES You got that almost right. JULIA I'm not budging from this house again tonight. The hospital was a nightmare the first time and then Torch bites Kelly Rippa and it’s off to Mount Sinai with her. I told her, “Relax, Miss Rippa, he just wants to sniff you.” (Going into the bathroom.) Hello, darling. Mummy’s home. We were a bad boy tonight. James, would you bring me Torch’s Yummies? They're in the crystal dish. (JULIA goes into the bathroom. A strong reaction from JAMES who had been happily munching TORCH’s Yummies throughout his telephone conversation with the Coast. JAMES brings JULIA the Yummies, then sees GUS returning with his bottle of bourborn and a handful of 18" Century-looking coats.) GUS The cast of Hamilton just got here. JAMES Thank you, Gus. GUS No problem, sweetheart (He goes as JULIA comes out of the bathroom.)DPS Published script 29 8/6/15 JAMES The young man taking the coats said you wanted to speak to me about something. JULIA I'm very worried about Peter. He didn’t take a bow and now he’s not at his own party...! (JULIA produces a sealed envelope.) Just before the curtain, I was backstage with the actors giving them their opening night gifts, when the stage manager handed me this note from him. JAMES What does it say? JULIA Thad to promise not to open it until after the reviews were in. JAMES T didn’t. (He takes the envelope from her and opens it.) JULIA I'll never forgive myself if anything happens to him. JAMES “Dear Julia, Thank you for producing my play. I know it cost you a lot of money, none of which you may ever see again.” JULIA The money! As if I cared about that. JAMES “And thank you for your beautiful opening night gift. I have always wanted a pot holder with the name of one of my plays on it. JULIA They’re really quite lovely.DPS Published script 30 8/6/15 (She holds one up.) JAMES, “T wish you the best. I even wish Frank breaks a leg?” JULIA (Always helpful.) That's a theatrical expression. It means good luck. JAMES, What does he mean, “even”? JULIA. You should’ ve heard some of the names Sir Frank called Peter: Failure. Has-been. Hack. JAMES No! JULIA Loser. Fake. Phony. Written out JAMES I get the picture, Julia JULIA I was just an amateur, dilettante, rich bitch. JAMES Why did you stand for it? JULIA Ididn’t. Elliott said “You can’t speak to my wife like that,” and he punched him right in the mouth. JAMES. Good for Elliot.DPS Published script 31 8/6/15 JULIA ‘No, Sir Frank punched Elliot. He knocked him out and then barred him from rehearsals. JAMES As producer, you should have done something. JULIA I'd already been barred. JAMES This play sounds like a total nightmare. JULIA, It’s been bliss. Sheer creative bliss. (GUS returns.) What is it, Gus? Gus The cast of Hamilton is leaving. They got a better offer. They're going to the White House. (He gathers their coats and leaves as JAMES continues with PETER AUSTIN’s note.) JAMES “As for me, my dearest Julia (and I love you like a mother) -—” JULIA And I love him like a son. JAMES “If the reviews aren't good, I don’t think I can face anyone, certainly not you. If anything happens to me, you are in no way to blame. Goodbye. Remember me a little bit. And good luck with the Caryl Churchill.” JULIA ‘Anew play I’ve optioned.DPS Published script 32 8/6/15 JAMES “p.S. I still wish you'd given me that turntable in the second act.” (He looks up.) For this we're missing the party of the year? JULIA Where is he then? JAMES. Darling, Peter is a genius at theatrics. You've heard of a late entrance? It’s an old stunt. Believe me, I do it all the time. Shall we? (GUS enters with a pile of colorful/exotic coats.) JULIA Who do all those coats belong to? GUS The Lion King. JULIA I don’t remember inviting The Lion King. Gus They're all saying you've got a big hit on your hands, Mrs. Budder, honey. JULIA From your lips to God’s ears. The Chat Rooms have been brutal to us. JAMES Julia, you go into the Chat Rooms? JULIA Everyone's in the Chat Rooms. I’m the only one who admits it JAMES Those people are sociopaths. JULIA They buy tickets like every one else.DPS Published script 33 8/6/15 Gus I'm in the Chat Rooms. JULIA You see, James? Gus I'm SlaveToSondheim! 1. JULIA I'm SondheimFanatic 17. Gus Tove your posts. JULIA Tlove yours. (There is a burst of applause from downstairs.) Gus They're having the time of their lives down there. Betty Buckley just finished singing Stormy Weather, and Renee Fleming burst into something from Faust. You're missing your own party, girl friend. JULIA We're on our way (GUS exits.) As Bette Davis said, fasten your safety belts -- there’s going to be some bumpy weather up ahead. (JAMES is transfixed. He is reading the other side of PETER’s note.) What's the matter? JAMES “P.P.S. The play never really had a chance without James Wicker in it. Of course, he was a son of a bitch not to have done it and I wish him and his stupid series a sudden and violent death, though I personally bear him no hard feelings, the miserable no-talent sitcom fruit.DPS Published script 34 8/6/15 JULIA, T’'m sure he doesn’t mean that side of the note, either. JAMES “No hard feelings, the miserable no-talent sitcom fruit.” JULIA. You? No-talent? That's ridiculous. JAMES, You certainly came off a hell of a lot better than I did. (GUS enters with a very small coat.) GUS Daniel Radcliffe. But I pretended I didn’t know he knew I knew who he was. JULIA You've come at a bad moment, darling. JAMES, I'm fine, Julia, let’s go. If you can face the Chat Rooms, I can face my best friend’s true colors. Gus Iwas hoping I could sing something tonight. JULIA I don’t see why not. If Catherine Zeta-Jones can....! Gus No, up here, for you, an audition. JULIA I don’t do musicals. Ever since Mamma Mia, I said to myself why bother? But go ahead, I believe we of the theatre should extend a helping hand whenever we can.DPS Published script 35 8/6/15 JAMES Julia! JULIA I'l only be a moment. What are you going to sing for us, Gus? GUS “Defying Gravity,” what else? (But the phone starts ringing before GUS can open his mouth.) JULIA My very most private number. It could only be Elliot. (She goes to the phone.) Darling, how are you? Gus She was going to hear me sing. JAMES (Ushering GUS out of the room.) I’'m sure you're wonderful, just wonderful. They're calling for you downstairs, Gus. I can hear them way up here. (He closes the door on GUS.) JULIA (On phone.) Well of course you're getting good treatment, darling. We gave them a Pavillion. JAMES, You're wife’s got a big fat hit on her hands, Elliot! JULIA (Into phone.) Jimmy Wicker. He flew all the way in for the opening (To JAMES) Elliot says he bet you did. And if it was any man but you in my bedroom he'd be very, very jealousDPS Published script 36 8/6/15 JAMES, (Brightly.) Fuck you, too, Elliot. Julia! The party! (There is a pile of play manuscripts on a table. JAMES will begin to leaf through one of them as JULIA talks to her husband.) JULIA (Into phone.) Darling, I was talking to our broker during intermission and he thinks we should pull out of that surgical supplies factory in the Dominican Republic while we're ahead and consider buying up those Toyota dealerships in Zaire. ‘That's exactly what I told him: people can live without a scalpel but not without their cars....Mmmmmm....Mmmmmm.,..Mmmmm. (One of the play manuscripts in the pile on JULIA’s desk has caught JAMES’ eye.) JAMES. Bluestocking a new play by Caroline Comstock. (IRA DREW comes into the bedroom. He has a furtive air in his ill-fitting tuxedo.) At rise: nothing. Ten seconds of this. JULIA (Deep into business dealings with her husband.) Sixteen points is sixteen points. JAMES The lights come up on a green chair. It is empty. A woman screams in the distance. (Or is it a woman?) We hear a flourish of wind. (Or is it wind?) (IRA leans over JAMES.) IRA How do you like it so far?DPS Published script 37 8/6/15 (JAMES starts at the intrusion. JAMES I'm afraid this room is off limits. TRA I just need a quick word with Mrs. Budder. And talk about killing two birds with one stone! JAMES 1 beg your pardon. TRA I gave you a wonderful review once. JAMES You did? IRA That little Lorca play at the Theatre De Lys before it was the Lortel. JAMES No, that was Gordon Small IRA, Gordon Small, of course. Wonderful actor. I know, Wendy Wasserstein’s Uncommon Women? JAMES That’s an all female cast. IRA, You're right but you never know these days! (No one laughs at his own jokes more than IRA and no one has a more annoying laugh.) I was having some fun with you. I know who you are. (Quoting his own review.) “James Wacker is a consummate actor. His guilt-ridden veterinarian is a master class of thespianism.” I never forget what I write about an actor.DPS Published script 38 8/6/15 JAMES Wicker. IRA Hmm? JAMES James Wicker. IRA I know that. JAMES You said Wacker. IRA No! (Starting to laugh.) Wacker! (It’s growing.) That’s terrible. Wacker! (He makes an appropriate gesture.) You could have a lot of fun with that one. (It’s out of control already.) Wacker! You say Wicker and I say Wacker. Wicker, Wacker, let's call the whole thing off! JAMES And you are? IRA I'm sorry. Ira Drew. JAMES The Ira Drew? IRA There’s another?DPS Published script 39 8/6/15 (More laughter fromIRA. When it subsides, JAMES offers the bowl of TORCH’S Yummies to IRA.) ‘You know what they say about actors and free food? Critics are worse. (He takes one.) JAMES Wasn't the play tonight wonderful? TRA You can stop right now, Mr. Wicker. I’m a critic of the old school. I don’t know what I’m going to write about a play until I sit down to write it. I can’t be had for one of Mrs. Budder’s pastry puffs, as tasty as they may be. I'm still processing what I saw this evening and I have to keep an open mind. They put me behind Chris Christie. I could hardly see. I admit | have an agenda. There’s too many revivals and not enough Brecht. Celebrity wattage does not impress. A play should have a beginning, a middle and an end. Plots are important, too, along with interesting characters. Attractive actors with trained voices are always welcome. In the right context, full frontal nudity has its place. I'd love to see Cate Blanchett starkers. That’s about it. JAMES It was a simple question. IRA Thanks to the Anti-Christ, Bill Gates, I'll soon be a critic without a place to publish. Serious theatre criticism has become an endangered species. People read us to find out what they thought of a play. Now they have opinions of their own and put them on the Internet. What we are witnessing is the collapse of Western civilization. JAMES I certainly hope not. IRA I call them as I see them. The League of Producers barred me from their press list after my review of the revival of the revival of the revival of LesDPS Published script 40 8/6/15 Miz. Iwas ousted from the Critics Circle -- they said I was “too vicious”, even for that den of sadists and inverts. JAMES ‘You were always very good to me. IRA ‘You were wonderful. There was no actor of your generation with more promise. Whatever happened to you? JAMES A little invention called television. IRA Ah, well, that would explain it. JULIA (Still on phone.) Tlove you, too. Stop, you're making me blush....I said stop, you're making me blush! JAMES Her husband. He invented something. Richer than God. JULIA. (Now the house phone is buzzing her.) They're calling me from downstairs, El (She hangs up.) That man! (it’s clear she adores him.) JAMES Julia, this is Ira Drew. JULIA Hello. JAMES, Ira Drew, The Eviscerator!DPS Published script 41 8/6/15 JULIA That Ira Drew! (Into the house phone.) No, I didn’t invite The Book of Mormon. (She hangs up.) I'm sorry Mr. Drew. IRA P'll come right to the point. JAMES Excuse me, Julia, I'll be downstairs. TRA No, stay, this concerns you, too, Mr. Wicker. Mrs. Budder has been sent a new play to consider, a certain Bluestocking. JULIA It came this morning. JAMES I was just leafing through it IRA Bluestocking is the best American play I've come across in a long time. It has humor, depth, wit, wisdom, love, valor, compassion, one set and a cast of two. The chief theatre critic for the New York Times, Ben Brantley, told me on the QT that he loves it JULIA It sounds like a producer’s dream, Mr. Drew. IRA It is, Mrs. Budder. JAMES. Next thing you’ll be telling us you wrote itDPS Published script 42 8/6/15, IRA Caroline Comstock wrote Bluestocking. Caroline is only my protégée, nothing more and nothing less. I’m merely Svengali to her Trilby, Pygmalion to her Galatea. JULIA Why are you telling us this? IRA We need new faces in the theatre. New voices, new visions. Caroline’s day is coming, Mrs. Budder. Yours as a producer can come with her. JULIA Thank you, but I’m concentrating on Peter Austin’s day tonight. (GUS enters with a new pile of coats.) Gus Aladdin and Rock of Ages. JAMES, I thought Rock of Ages closed. JULIA ‘They did but nobody told them. Thank you, Gus. Gus Sure thing, sugar. (He dumps the coats on the bed and goes.) IRA Can he be trusted? JULIA He’s bonded, if that means anything.DPS Published script 3 8/6115 IRA No one must know of this meeting. It is highly unethical: a critic giving a commercial producer an exclusive leak! It would compromise the three of us. JAMES The three of us? What did I do? IRA Bluestocking was written for you, Mr. Wicker. JAMES Two minutes ago, you were wondering what happened to me. IRA Wait’ll | tell Miss Comstock I've found you. I place my reputation as an ethical journalist in your hands. (He is bowing out backwards.) Thank you for your consideration, Mrs. Budder. JULIA Thank you for your inside lead, Mr. Drew. JAMES I’m always looking for the right vehicle! IRA You're holding it. JAMES. He’s certainly the last person I expected to see here tonight. “The American theatre would be a better place today if Peter Austin’s parents had smothered him in his crib.” Ira Drew’s review of Flashes. JULIA What a horrible thing to say about anyone, even a playwright. JAMES ‘And then in the same breath, he gave me the review of a lifetime and put me on the map.DPS Published script 48 8/6/15 JULIA I don’t know how you people stand it. Thank God, they don’t review producers, only our plays (PETER AUSTIN comes into the bedroom. He is beautifully dressed for the occasion: white tie and tails even, a walking stick, a silk opera hat and a cape rather than a coat.) PETER May I come in? JULIA, Peter, finally! (They hug, PETER still hasn’t seen JAMES yet.) PETER I don’t know how Shakespeare stood this. An eventing like this is every playwright’s rite of passage. All my life I dreamed they’d yell “Author! Author!” when I walked into my opening night party. They did, only it was, for Tom Stoppard who was right behind me. All Broadway and half of Hollywood are down there. Stephen Spielberg asked me if I wanted to write a screenplay for him. “Sure”, I said, “What about?” “Good point” he said and walked away. JAMES There he is: America’s oldest living most promising young playwright Hello, Peter. PETER Jimmy, you came? JAMES, On the goddamn Red Eye. Of course I came! PETER Maybe I can get through all this with my best friend here. Do you know who this is, Julia?DPS Published script 45 8/6/15 JULIA Well of course I do. PETER Ilove this man. I don’t care who knows it. I love this person. I love him, I Jove him, I love him. JULIA Iwish I had a camera. PETER From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Jimmy-Jim-Jimbo, JAMES, Now where the hell have you been? “JULIA, ‘You had us both so worried. PETER ‘You promise not to laugh? JULIA Of course not. PETER I’ve been walking the streets thinking about what it means to be a playwright. JULIA That's so dear. PETER No, I mean it. JULIA So do I. That’s a wonderful thing to be thinking about. I wish more playwrights did.DPS Published script 46 6/15 PETER A Streetcar Named Desire opened at the same theatre we did tonight. December 3, 1947. Tennessee Williams paced nervously at the back of our orchestra, just like I did. I could feel him. Elia Kazan paced with him. I felt them both. I bet they held hands and squealed like school girls when that curtain went up. It’s from our stage where Marlon Brando first yelled “Stella” and Blanche Du Bois told the world that she had always depended on the kindness of strangers. We have a lot to live up to tonight. It depends on us to remind this city that there is more to Broadway than guest appearances or special effects and revivals or another play from London or another Disney movie made live. We are an original American play. We must make that count for something. JULIA. Amen. JAMES That was beautifully stated, Peter. PETER I'll get off my soapbox now. Before I knew it, the first act was over and everybody was on the sidewalk. I saw you, Jimmy, talking to Bernadette Peters. She was bent over double at something you were saying. It looked like you were imitating a giant chicken. God, you are a funny man. JAMES Too funny by half. PETER The lights flicked on and off. Everyone went in for the 2" act. That’s when I began to take it all in. I was on Broadway. I was part of something bigger than myself. I was where I'd dreamed of being all my life. I started walking around the theatre district. So many memories of shows, actors, great productions. As of tonight, I was now a part of them. I saw that plaque to Eugene O'Neill, October 6, 1888—November 27, 1953. “America’s greatest playwright was born on this site then called Barrett House. Presented by Circle in the Square” -- and I knew there would never be such a plaque for any American playwright again, no matter how great a writer he was, unless we did something about it. We've let Broadway stop mattering and handed it over to the Brits and the movie-to-musical franchises lock, stock andDPS Published script a7 8/6/15 barrel. It’s our fault, not theirs. Nature abhors a vacuum and they rushed right in. We all got so greedy. The theatre became a business to make a million when it should be a place to talk to one another in a mutual dialogue between stage and audience about what it means to be alive in this country in the first decades of the New Century. I walked to Shubert Alley, what's left of it, and stood looking at the three-sheets. When a British revival of Grease and the Kardashians in Three Sisters are the best we can offer, it’s time to weep. With tears in my eyes I looked at the Marriott. They tore down three theatres to put up a hotel. Who let this happen? There's no more where they came from. Tear down a theatre and it’s forever. You don’t get a Salesman ot an Oklahoma when you tear down a theatre, you get a Marriott When I finally turned back up 47" Street, our play was over and everyone was gone, but our marquee was still lit. The Golden Egg, a new play by Peter Austin. I looked at it and thought of Williams and O'Neill and Miller and Albee and I thought, we can turn back the tide. We can make a change. But this time it’s entirely up to us. And then someone turned the lights off and we went dark. End of speech. Sorry, I somehow got back up on it again. JAMES (Who has teared up.) And I was telling your leading lady I didn’t miss all this. JULIA It’s all right, James! JAMES (Blowing his nose.) ery at food displays. JULIA Next play I promise you that turntable. PETER ‘Next play I’m going to want two turntables. JULIA Now can I tell you something and you'll promise not to laugh? One of the reasons I produced your play — other than it’s brilliant and it gave me goose bumps — is that it doesn’t have any 4-letter words in it.DPS Published script 8/6/15 PETER I think I got all my 4-letter words out of my system in my first play. JAMES The things he had me saying, Julia! JULIA I'm sorry, but I think the theatre should be a place of elegance. Elegant people in elegant clothes in elegant settings speaking elegant language. JAMES So much for David Mamet. JULIA The last play I saw every other word was the “ was appalled. word or the “K” word. I JAMES The “K” word? What's the “K” word? JULIA You know: the “K” word. PETER Any word on the reviews? JULIA Just NY1 and their “good solid theatre”. JAMES Kangaroo? Kumquat? JULIA Buzz says he'll have the Times a good half-hour before they post it online. (They are both in very good spirits.) JAMES Ketchup? Kaleidoscope?DPS Published script 49 816/15 PETER What about the Chat Rooms? JULIA FiddlerFanatic liked the first act. JAMES Kennebunkport? Knick-knack? This is driving me crazy, Julia. Is there a dictionary in here? (She whispers in his ear.) What? The “K” word is what? Say it again! I still can’t - Oh, cunt! JULIA I'm going to powder my nose before we all go down there. JAMES You look gorgeous. JULIA I won’t be a moment. Talk amongst yourselves. (She goes into the bathroom.) JAMES We can thank our lucky stars for people like that. PETER Guess how many times I threw up today? Actually leaned over the bowl and heaved my guts up? JAMES Then don’t get too close. They have me in Prada tonight. What are you in? Somebody down there is going to ask you to get them a drink if you're not careful. PETER My father’s tails, in his honor.DPS Published script 50 B/6/1S JAMES They’re almost in style again. How are your folks? PETER Fine, fine. I thought a Broadway opening would be too much for them. They'll be happy you came. Where are you staying? JAMES The Sherry, the Four Seasons was full. PETER The Sherry! JAMES The network’s paying. Did you invite any of the old gang? PETER No, just you. We're practically the only ones still in the business. Billy Cutlip is teaching at NYU and Mary went back to school and got a degree in Social Work. I’ve lost track of most of them. JAMES, I thought Mary had real talent, that she'd be the one of us who made it. PETER I wanted you up there on that stage so bad tonight. We were going to do this Broadway thing together. JAMES Who knew an iffy pilot would turn into 9 years of my life? PETER We waited as long as we could for you. JAMES I know. PETER But Jack was marvelous, don’t you think?DPS Published script 51 8/6/15 JAMES Absolutely. PETER ‘The Tony Award tom-toms are already throbbing! JAMES, Not that marvelous. That part has my name written all over it. But he was wonderful, just wonderful. I would have been more wonderful, it’s true. PETER I felt so ...bereft when you went to L.A. Thad such a talent crush on you. JAMES Tt was mutual. PETER I didn’t know what I was going to do. No one hears me like you. I thought you were the best actor I'd ever worked with. I was afraid when you left you took my talent with you. That's why tonight is so important to me. I did it without you. JAMES We'll do something together again, I’m sure of it. PETER You really liked the play? JAMES Peter, I’m the last one to ask. I was a talented character actor, one of thousands in this city, when I met you. I would have gone on having ten lines in each act for the rest of my life. Once I would have played Willy Loman or Iceman in a regional theatre maybe my agent wouldn’t mind traveling to. But I would have gone on thinking I was lucky: I was a working actor. Then you went and wrote FLASHES for me. When I finished it, I was overwhelmed, it was extraordinary, but I thought “He'll get someone else for it. They'll make him get someone else for it.” But you didn’t. Make no mistake: I’m a very lucky man and I know it.DPS Published script 52 8/6/15 PETER I’m lucky I saw you do those ten lines in that weird play at the Cherry Lane. JAMES It was fourteen lines. I was on a roll that season. (JULIA opens the bathroom door.) JULIA May I come out? JAMES Julia, who do you have to fuck to get something to eat around here? JULIA Me, darling! PETER Look to your laurels, Mr. Tony Kushner, here comes the next generation, (Just for fun, PETER pronounces it “Koosh-nair”.) Shall we go down? JAMES I'll be surprised if there’s anything left. (VIRGINIA enters.) VIRGINIA That fucking Channel 5. That fucking faggot dyke hermaphrodite transsexual whatever the hell you call it they have for a critic. [told a roomful of people to shut up so they could hear someone say “Virginia Noyes stinks.” JULIA I’m sure Channel 5 didn’t say “Virginia Noyes stinks.” Maybe something like it but not those exact words. VIRGINIA “Virginia Noyes stinks.” You could hear a pin drop when she said it. “Virginia Noyes stinks.” Do I, Peter? Do I stink?DPS Published script 53 B65 PETER (He embraces her.) You were wonderful — everything I could have asked for and more. VIRGINIA, I know you took a chance on me when not many people would have. I love our play. It’s bold, it’s beautiful. I wanted to be a part of it. But above all, I didn’t want to let you down, you of all people. I'd never forgive myself. PETER ‘You could never let me down. You were my first and only choice for this, part. VIRGINIA I’m feeling very fragile right now. JULIA Peter’s right, you were wonderful, darling. No matter what happens with the critics, you must never forget that, you were wonderful. VIRGINIA Do I know you? JULIA It’s Julia, darling, your producer. VIRGINIA Oh, yeah, right, hi, thanks. You want a hit? JULIA Don’t ask silly questions. Of course I want a hit. Everyone at this party does. ‘VIRGINIA, Ihave definitely earned one. Wicker? (JAMES gives her the cocaine.)DPS Published script s4 8/6/15 JAMES It’s not what you're thinking, Julia. VIRGINIA (This time as she prepares another line of coke we can see the ankle monitor underneath her long skirt.) It sort of threw me when my ankle bracelet went off during my big monologue. I didn’t want to pretend it wasn’t happening -say what you will about me, cunt on TV, I’m an honest actress — so I made it a part of the scene. That's why I started twitching my leg before I went into that sort of a dance. Jack looked completely startled, of course. He likes everything set and rehearsed. That is so boring. I have to be in the moment. The nani- second, I call it. It’s where I live as an actress. If they ever let me drive again, I’m going to have one of those custom license plates: Act Free or Die. (She does the line.) You don’t know what you're missing. What's the matter, Peter? PETER Nothing. VIRGINIA I know that look from the rehearsal room. You want to say something about my performance. PETER It’s a good thing I’m not an actor -- I have no subtext. Okay... VIRGINIA What? PETER It’s so small. VIRGINIA Tell me. PETER I'm sure I’m the only one who noticed.DPS Published script 55 8/6/15 JULIA I think Peter means when you dropped the bottle. VIRGINIA I didn’t drop the fucking bottle. It fucking slipped. PETER In the calico quilt speech, you said “could” twice instead of would and then could just once. VIRGINIA What should I have said? PETER Actually what I wrote was “would” first and then “could” with the slightest inflection on “could”. The “would” allows the “could” in her emotional progression. Would, could. You hear the difference? VIRGINIA Jesus H. Christ! You going to bring me up on Equity charges? PETER Jimmy never changed one word of my text and he completely respected my punctuation. VIRGINIA ‘You want a parrot or a performance? PETER I want both. JAMES Iwas never a parrot. (There is the muffled sound of a window breaking from behind the closed drapes.) JAMES What was that?DPS Published script 56 8/6/15 JULIA It sounded like the window. (They rush to the open window and pull back the drapes. There is a broken pane, shattered glass, and a snowball.) Do you see anyone? JAMES Across the street. There are kids throwing snowballs. VIRGINIA This would never happen in California. JAMES (Yelling at them.) What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy? This is a private home! PETER Who are they? Street toughs? JULIA It’s the cast of Matilda. JAMES Now can we please go downstairs and eat? (FRANK enters. He is draped in a black shroud.) PETER There he is! My genius director. We all see you under there, Your famous Japanese Noh Theatre techniques aren’t working, Sir Frank! FRANK Who is James Franco and why is he sexting me? VIRGINIA. James Franco sexts everyone. JAMES He thinks he’s invisible under that?DPS Published script ST 8/6/15 JULIA He sat like that for days in rehearsal. Brilliant. After a while it was like he actually wasn’t there. PETER I'm difficult to work with and you're close to impossible. It’s a marriage made in Heaven and I’m sending you my next play. (He pulls the shroud off FRANK and hugs him.) FRANK If one more person tells me I’m a genius, Ill punch them, Julia! JULIA But you are a genius, darling, that’s why we hired you. FRANK ‘You hired me because I always get good reviews. JAMES That’s a pretty good reason. FRANK I don’t know what I’m doing but you wait and see: I'll win a Tony for this. JULIA I certainly hope so. FRANK I’ve had 14 hits in a row in London, I’ve won 12 Olivier and 4 Evening Standard Awards. I want a flop. I need a flop. Somebody, tell me: when is it my tum to fail? I can’t go on like this ~ the critics’ darling. JULIA Try to hold on just one more night. FRANK 1am in despair, people. The Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes! I’m a fake. My work is a fake. I make this shit up as I go along. I don’t know what I'mDPS Published seript 58 8/6/15 doing half the time and when I do, it terrifies me it’s so bad. I'm no good. You've got to believe me, I’m no good. JAMES, I believe you. Can we go down now, Julia? JULIA We can’t leave him like this. FRANK The only flops I've ever had were at drama school. Nobody liked my production of anything. My Space Age Oedipus Rex. My spoken La Boheme. My gay Waiting For Godot. But what got me expelled was my Titus Andronicus. 1 did the whole thing in mime. No dialogue. No poetry. No Shakespeare. VIRGINIA What did it have? FRANK Blood bags. Every time somebody walked on stage: splat! They got hit with a big blood bag. God, it was gross VIRGINIA. It sounds fantastic. FRANK Itwas terrible. But at least everyone said it was terrible. I'm pulling the same stunts in New York and everybody says it’s brilliant. VIRGINIA It is brilliant. FRANK Thate it! God I miss RADA. JULIA. (Always helpful.) The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.DPS Published script 59 8/6/15 JAMES I'm sure RADA misses you. Does anybody remember what food tastes like? Julia, I'll die if I don’t eat something. FRANK (Emptying his pockets.) I don’t want these things. Please don’t leave them around. JULIA Sir Frank, that’s my sterling silver pepper shaker. My priceless bud vase. Little Elliot’s bronzed baby shoes! (Everyone is amazed at the size and diversity of FRANK’s haul.) JAMES You don’t happen to have a sandwich in there, do you? JULIA (Reading an engraving.) “To Mildred Sturgeon from Mandy Patinkin”. Who’s Mildred Sturgeon? FRANK My therapist. She’s supposed to be helping me! You know what she tells me? “Put it back, Frank.” JULIA She’s right! Put it back, Frank. FRANK Three hundred dollars an hour and that’s all I get? “Put it back Frank!” I want to know why I pick it up in the first place. VIRGINIA You shouldn’t be alone tonight, baby. PETER None of us should. We'll order up, James. Here we go, people! Everybody, shush! (PETER quickly turns up the sound on the muted television.)DPS Published script 60 8/6/15 TV ANNOUNCER In breaking news: A Roosevelt Island cable car packed with school children plunged into the East River---. PETER. False alarm. (PETER mutes TV again.) JAMES, Gus, we're all starving, See what you can rustle up for us down there, will you? GUS Sure thing, petal. (He goes.) PETER This looks more like it (He un-mutes the TV) TV ANNOUNCER Legendary, singer/actress Barbra Streisand was found-—. (PETER mutes the television and picks up a ringing phone.) JAMES Something about Barbra! PETER (Into the phone.) Hello, Buzz. Thank God for that rave from New York 1. JAMES, Something happened to Barbra Streisand!DPS Published script 61 8/6/15 JULIA That wasn’t a rave, Peter. It was “good solid theatre.” JAMES, Doesn’t anybody care? PETER What do you want, Julia, blood? JAMES Have you people lost all humanity? JULIA Buzz promised me the moon! PETER (Into phone.) ‘What are you telling this woman, Buzz? The Times is an out and out rave? You're sure? Have you actually seen it? The moment you get it-— (To others.) The Times is a rave, all the majors are. He says this play is proof you can still write a serious play for Broadway and have a house in the Hamptons as. well. If [have a smash hit on my hands, I hope I can handle it. (FRANK makes a retching noise.) Better than you anyway. Stop the presses! He’s got new quotes. “Hats off and Hallelujah, Peter Austin has written the best American play since Broken Dishes. Virginia Noyes lights up Broadway.” VIRGINIA You bet your fucking A I do! PETER “Sir Frank Finger’s direction is superb, taut, and just plain perfect.” FRANK That’s it? PETER “Along with Stephen Karam, Gina Gionfriddo, Sarah Ruhl, Tarell Alvin McCraney, the Adams Boys ~- Bock and Rapp, Itamar Moses, BrandenDPS Published script 62 8/6/15 Jacobs-Jenkins, Lisa Kron, Theresa Rebeck, Annie Baker, Lucy Thurber, Young Jean Lee, John Logan, Samuel D. Hunter, Amy Herzog, Bruce Norris, Christopher Shinn, Julia Cho, Robert Askins, Will Eno, Ayad Akhtar, Monica Lewinsky and Hugh Golden, Peter Austin is in that small handfal of promising young American Dramatists.” JAMES That’s a wonderful review, Peter. PETER Not if you’re Stephen Karam, Gina Gionfriddo, Sarah Ruhl, Tarell Alvin... JULIA Who is Hugh Golden? Why wasn’t I told about him? I would have produced him. I’m really very cross about this. PETER Thanks, Buzz. How much longer before we get the Times? This is agony. (He hangs up.) We're a smash in Newark. (There is commotion from downstairs.) PETER Now what? JULIA It sounds like a brawl. IRA (Off.) Leave me alone! (GUS enters.) Gus You'd better get down there. Somebody took a poke at that Ira Drew fellow, and then everybody started hitting him.DPS Published script 63 86/15 JULIA All I did was produce a new American play on Broadway and give an opening night party. (IRA DREW enters. He is holding a bloody handkerchief to his lip. Someone has dumped a plate of food over his head.) IRA Is there a bathroom in here? JULIA Over there, Mr. Drew. Are you all right? IRA Of course I’m not all right! In here, you say? (IRA goes into the bathroom.) JULIA Yes. I mean, no! FRANK Is that who I think it is? (TORCH sets upon IRA. A terrible hue and ery from wit! JULIA Just let him sniff you, Mr. Drew! (There is the sound of a gunshot. JULIA screams.) FRANK What was that? JULIA Torch! Nooooo! (The bathroom door opens. IRA comes out. His pants are in shreds. He carries a pistol.)DPS Published script 64 8/6/15 IRA I suppose that’s your dog. JULIA, Murderer! Mur-der-er! (She hurls herself at IRA and beats him with her fists. This is a side of JULIA we haven’t seen before.) IRA I didn’t shoot him. JAMES Hey, hey! Easy, Julia. IRA He's perfectly all right. JULIA He'd better be. Let me see him! (She goes into the bathroom.) Torch! Darling Torch! IRA Darling? It’s the last remaining Hound of the Baskervilles. VIRGINIA Is that thing real? IRA It’s loaded with blanks. I had to start carrying one after my review of Julie Andrews. FRANK May I? (IRA lets FRANK examine his revolver. He will never see it again.)DPS Published script 65 8/6/15, IRA However, I enjoyed your performance Miss Noyes. Real star quality. It’s what our theatre needs. I liked your work, too, Sir Finger. FRANK It’s Sir Frank. IRA But then I always do. JAMES. What happened to you down there? The plate of lasagna was Patti LuPone, the split lip was the president of the Dramatists Guild. VIRGINIA He took a swing at you? IRA She took several swings at me. The next thing I knew I was on the floor and Alec Baldwin was kicking me. (JULIA comes out of the bathroom.) JULIA I don’t understand. He’s never turned on anyone before tonight. VIRGINIA He smells blood like everyone else. JULIA Thope this won't affect your review of Peter’s play. IRA Critics can’t afford to hold petty grudges. Besides, waiting for Ben Brantley and the New York Times is what tonight is all about. Who cares what a non- entity like me thinks?DPS Published script 66 8/6/15 JULIA You're not a non-entity and you're very well thought of. VIRGINIA You're also the most vicious critic in New York. IRA Throw that in my face. VIRGINIA “She reminds me of nothing so much as a female impersonator in search of a female to impersonate.” JULIA What a dreadful thing to say about anyone, even a female impersonator. IRA I said that about the Baby June in the Cape May Playhouse production of Gypsy years ago. It’s curious you should remember it. VIRGINIA Iwas the Baby June in the Cape May Playhouse production of Gypsy. IRA You changed your name? VIRGINIA After your review, I changed my face. Cosmetic surgery fora 14-year old. PETER The stakes are so high for a new American play on Broadway, I think we're all alittle over the top tonight. Hi, I'm Peter Austen. IRA Thaven’t written my review yet. (PETER puts his hand out and shakes hands with IRA.)DPS Published script 67 8/6/15 PETER Just as I’m entitled to writing my plays, you're entitled to your opinion of them. IRA (As they shake hands.) Fair enough. PETER Fortunately for me, my parents didn’t take your advice and smother me in my crib. IRA I'm very glad they didn’t, I love the theatre; it’s what people are doing to it T can’t stand. PETER It’s not on purpose, Mr. Drew. IRA It’s Ira, please. JULIA I'm so glad to see you two getting along. IRA It’s the funniest thing, I like you personally. JAMES We all do. IRA It’s just your work I can’t stand. (PETER drops to his knees in prayer.) PETER Hear a playwright’s prayer, Oh Lord. Listen to the humble plea of thy servant, Peter, descendant of Aeschylus, Shakespeare, Moliere, Ibsen and Chekhov.DPS Published script 68 8/6/15 FRANK What the hell is he doing? PETER Bless me and my meager skills with which I’ve only tried to amuse, intrigue, provoke, stimulate, and move an audience while creating believable characters in true-to-life situations which somehow illuminate the human experience. JULIA (Touched.) Oh, Peter! PETER Bless thy humble producer-servant Julia. JULIA (Sinking to her knees.) How lovely! PETER Bless all producers who put our plays on and keep them running, even when it means enormous financial sacrifice for their husbands and puts their children’s future at risk. JULIA I don’t care about that, Peter, you know I don’t. PETER Bless thy humble actress servant, Virginia, who gave the performance of a lifetime tonight. Bless her courage for coming back to live theatre after the safety of the silver screen. JULIA Get down, Virginia! (VIRGINIA kneels.)DPS Published script 69 B/6IIS PETER Bless her unique timing, her wonderful voice. Bless her for being almost letter perfect in her part. VIRGINIA, You try acting with a fucking ankle bracelet that goes off! PETER Bless thy humble director servant, Sir Frank Finger, who ~ rumor has it -- is soon to be Lord Finger. FRANK (Self-conscious.) ‘You didn’t hear it from me. (But he kneels anyway.) PETER Bless him for returning my iPad, which mysteriously vanished the second day of rehearsal. Bless him for his unbroken string of successes. Bless all directors with an unbroken string of successes. JAMES Amen. That was beautiful. Can we go downstairs now? PETER Bless my friend, James, thy humble television series star-servant, who had to turn my play down and so we came up with Jack, for whom everyone says there is a definite Tony nomination, if not award, in this. Bless Jack and his Tony nomination, if not award. Also bless James’ series which is rumored to be going off the air. JAMES Where did you hear that? VIRGINIA New York Post, Page Six. (JAMES quickly kneels at the thought of this.DPS Published script 70 8/6/15 Only IRA is still standing. He is clearly opposed to joining the others on the floor but PETER is really putting him on the spot.) PETER Bless thy humble critic-servant Ira. Bless all critics who are really failed playwrights or actors and who become critics out of desperation but who mean well and are only trying to uphold the standards of the theatre without knowing how truly hard it is to write a play. Shower them with the same mercy they deny others. And bless the theatre in which we all serve. Bless this ancient art form which is so superior to the movies and television. (At some point during this IRA will put on his yarmulke and kneel with the others.) JULIA The theatre, yes! (GUS has come upstairs and entered the bedroom.) Gus What's going on, dudes? JULIA Get down, Gus! Gus I'm supposed to be getting Lady Gaga her coat. (He finds an outrageous coat in the pile on JULIA’s bed. It could only belong to Lady Gaga.) PETER Bless thy humble servant-servant...what’s your name, love? GUS Gus PETER Gus, who is bringing Lady Gaga’s coat down to her. Bless Lady Gaga.DPS Published script mW 8/6/15 (That name brings GUS to his knees. Everyone is on the floor now.) Bless all those people down there whose happiness and approval means so much to me. And finally, Lord, bless Julia’s cell phone with it’s special ringtone with the Times review half an hour before anyone else. (An audible shiver of excitement runs through the kneeling group.) Bless this review. JULIA Amen! PETER Amen. (Everyone’s knees are killing them by now. They are ready to get up and go downstairs to the party.) ALL Amen, PETER (He won’t let them.) Lord! In our hour of greatest need, give us...you who have given me the greatest gift of all, the gift to realize that no matter what happens tonight, it’s only a play....give us just one more thing. It’s not much. When you consider the problems you've unleashed on the world: wars and famines and hurricanes and oil spills, surely you can give us a hit tonight. If you can’t give us unanimous raves, we'll settle for the Times. The rest are negotiable. That is my prayer to you, Lord. That is every playwright’s prayer. JULIA Amen. ‘THE OTHERS (Muttered.) Amen.DPS Published script n 8/6/15 PETER Do you hear me, Lord, may I hope for some sign? (In the silence, there is a curious buzzing, rasping sound.) GUS That was quick. (VIRGINIA has started to twitch and leap about. It is her ankle bracelet. It makes her dance in a spastic, convulsive way.) JULIA Not now, Virginia, we're all very tense. VIRGINIA You're tense? I’ve got a fucking lobster on my ankle. FRANK I'm keeping this in the play, Ginny. JULIA Quiet! All of you. (A cell phone is heard ringing. The Ringtone is the Overture to William Tell. This is the moment they have all been waiting for.) JULIA That's it, the very special ring! It’s our press agent with the review! Where is my cell phone? Frank! FRANK I didn’t take it! VIRGINIA It’s under the coats. (There is a mad search for the source of the ringing cell phone. VIRGINIA is dealing with her ankle bracelet.)DPS Published script B 8/6/15 PETER Try under the sofa cushions. (They are destroying the room in their frantic efforts to find the ringing cell phone. Even IRA DREW has joined in the search.) JULIA Stop! (Everyone freezes. They all turn to the bathroom door. They have isolated the source of the ringing cell phone.) PETER goes to the bathroom.) PETER Don’t even think about it, Torch. (He enters bathroom and returns a moment later with JULIA’s still ringing cell phone. All the land-line phones have begun to ring. PETER is busy taking them all off the hook.) Until we finish, there will be no interruptions. JAMES Don’t be so dramatic, Peter. PETER Drama is my business. TRA You could have fooled me. PETER Who said that? Who the fuck said that? (He looks at the phone.) It’s a text message. (He hands the phone to JULIA.) You read it, Julia, I’m too nervous.DPS Published seript 4 8/615 JULIA (Reading the text message.) “With the opening of The Golden Egg at the Barrymore last night..." 1 can’t. PETER Virginia? Frank? Gus Pil read it. I’m the only objective one here. PETER He's right. (GUS takes the cell phone from JULIA.) Gus This is exciting. Can we do a Selfie first? Have a record of this historic moment? (They all pose for GUS’s Selfie. Then he sits and reads the review as they wait.) PETER Well? cus I’m reading, I’m reading. PETER Out loud! (PETER grabs the cell phone from GUS.) All right, settle down. This is it. (As he begins to read, the lights start to fade.) “With the opening of THE GOLDEN EGG at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre last night, Peter Austin makes his eagerly awaited Broadway debut.”DPS Published script 75 8/6/15 (He looks up.) It’s going to be a rave. (BLACKOUT) END OF ACT O!DPS Published script 76 8/6/15 ACT TWO At rise: The same as Act One, a few moments later. PETER, focused on the text message on JULIA’s cell phone; the others surround him in various stages of excitement, dread or anxiety. We should sense that not one of them has moved since we last saw them at the end of Act One. PETER “With the opening of THE GOLDEN EGG at the Ethel Barrymore Theatre last night, Peter Austin makes his eagerly awaited Broadway debut. Would that he hadn't.” (He looks up.) It’s going to be mixed. (He resumes.) “This is the kind of play that gives playwriting a bad name and deals the theatre, already a somewhat endangered species, something very close to a death blow.” (He looks up.) I don’t think he liked it. JULIA Peter. PETER I'm okay, Julia, I’m okay. (He resumes.) “Tt tarnishes the reputation of everyone connected with it, not permanently perhaps, but certainly within their lifetime.” JULIA That sentence doesn’t even make sense. What’s more permanent than your lifetime? PETER “Even the usherettes and the concessionaires at the Barrymore should be walking with lowered heads today and for at least another season to come. Shame, ladies and gentlemen of the cloakroom, shame.”DPS Published script 7 8/6/15 JAMES When they go for the ushers! That's gotta be a first. PETER I'm going to be sick. JULIA That’s enough, Peter. PETER Tbegan and I'll finish it. (Perhaps a wild howl escapes from him at this point. Anyway.) “Any play that calls itself The Golden Egg is just asking for it.” The title is a metaphor, an ironic metaphor. JULIA Any fool could see that. I did. PETER ith such a title, I must confess that I arrived at the playhouse with my critical hackles already up.” JULIA He’s admitting he was prejudiced. PETER “After ten minutes of Mr. Austin’s play, they were so up the woman behind me complained she couldn't see. IRA Lucky lady. PETER “Lucky lady.” (He stops.) You think this is easy? (He resumes.)DPS Published script B 8/6/15 “If The Golden Egg is not the worst American play since Pinched Nerve, it is not for Mr. Austin’s lack of trying. Better luck next time.” Would you think any less of me if I burst into tears? (He puts the phone down as JULIA comforts him. IRA snatches it up.) JULIA My darling Peter. FRANK I wish I could say I know how you feel, man, VIRGINIA That’s it? He didn’t even mention me. IRA “It is dismaying to remember that Mr. Austin...” JULIA Please, Mr. Drew! PETER It’s all right, Julia. JULIA You're only tormenting yourself. PETER If you can’t stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. IRA “...to remember that Mr. Austin was the author of Flashes, which I praised to the skies along with my colleagues with the single exception of Ira Drew, who I generally find the least perceptive and the most prejudiced of the New York critics.” (He stops.) That’s a little dig. (He resumes.)DPS Published script i) 8/6/15 “Were we all wrong? Was Mr. Drew a prophet crying in the wilderness? I think so now and my apologies to Mr. Drew...” (He looks up from the review.) He’s trying to make it up to me now. Too little too late, Benita. (He resumes.) ...apologies to Mr. Drew whom I still regard as the least perceptive, most prejudiced, physically unappetizing and generally creepy drama critic in New York.” (He stops and looks up again.) I knew Ben didn’t like me but the extent! JAMES Are you going to finish that review or not? IRA (Resuming.) “The plot of Mr. Austin’s debacle...” JAMES We know all that. VIRGINIA Get to the acting. IRA “Lan be more cheerful about the acting.” PETER Here you go, Ginny. IRA “But not much. Only Jack Nimble, as the unlucky Tamburini, a role that was clearly tailored for James Wacker. JAMES Wicker! IRA It says Wacker, (He resumes.)DPS Published script 80 8/615 “emerges with distinction. If there is any justice in our theatre, and | am becoming less and less convinced that there is — How can there be, when plays like this get produced?” PETER Leave me alone, goddammit! TRA “Then Mr. Nimble is a shoo-in for this season’s Best Actor Tony Award.” JAMES You've got to be kidding, IRA “As for Mr. Wicker—.” They got it right this time. JAMES What did I do? IRA “who is chiefly remembered hereabouts for his somewhat over-praised performance in Mr. Austin’s Flashes-~” JAMES For my what? JULIA (Trying to be helpful.) Somewhat over-praised performance, darling. IRA “Certainly I preferred his replacement, Harvey Fierstein, who brought a more masculine presence and yet strangely cutting sensitivity to the role...” JAMES Who brought a whar? JULIA ‘A more masculine presence and yet a strangely cutting—DPS Published script 81 8/6/15 JAMES ‘Shut up, Julia, I heard what he said. IRA “...Mr. Wicker should count himself lucky to be out of this turkey due to his commitments to his enormously popular television series. (I must admit I'm mad for it but don’t tell my colleagues.) Out On A Lamb.” JAMES, “Limb,” damnit, “Limb.” IRA It says “Lamb.” JAMES Give me that! (He furiously snatches the cell phone.) VIRGINIA That’s funny, I thought I was the star of this thing. JAMES Don’t worry honey, he'll get to you, he went bananas tonight. (He reads.) “Virginia Noyes, making a welcome return to the New York stage.....” PETER Yes! JAMES “..after a tabloid-stained stint in Hollywood including an Oscar for her controversial performance as an autistic social worker in Bed/Stuy Sunset...” VIRGINIA ‘She wasn’t autistic.DPS Published script 82 8/6/15 JAMES [personally would have preferred the award going to Hillary Swank for her work in just about anything, (the thought of her coming back to Broadway in David Hare’s new play, Die America, I Hate Your Stupid Guts, Capitalist Pigs, which I caught at the Donmar Warehouse last spring has me practically tumescent) ---but I digress. Back to Miss Noyes.” FRANK Here you go, Virginia. JAMES “She wears out her welcome in her very first scene.” VIRGINIA I don’t have a scene, it’s three lines. JAMES, “After that, it’s downhill all the way. She reminds me of nothing so much as a female impersonator in search of a female to impersonate.” IRA That’s out and out plagiarism JAMES “At one point, when she went into sort of a dance, my theatre-going companion said “My God, this is worse than genital herpes.” IRA That's going too far. Even I wouldn't. JAMES “I hope by the time she reads this, she is headed back to Acting Rehab. Bon voyage and good riddance, Miss Noyes. (He looks up.) Why that’s terrible, just terrible. VIRGINIA He didn’t even say I was pretty. I always get “pretty” at least. Even when wasn’t very good, I was pretty. Now I stink and I’m not pretty. And people wonder why people do drugs. This is why they O-D. You're all waiting forDPS Published script 83 8/6/15 me to. Aren’t you? Guess what? I’m not. I won’t give him the satisfaction. Fuck him. Yeah, fuck him. Just fucking fuck fuck him. Fuck him where it hurts. PETER That was beautifully said, Virginia. VIRGINIA Fucking right, it was. JULIA T wouldn’t be an actor for anything in the world. JAMES “The rest of the cast is outstanding.” PETER There’s a quote, Julia! JAMES “Considering what these valiant troopers have been asked to perform, I'm only surprised they haven’t marched on the producer’s house and stoned it.” JULIA 1 got off easy! JAMES “As for the producer, one Julia Budder, and I urge you to remember that name, Julia Budder, remember it well, Julia Budder—* JULIA. Stop, this is inhuman! JAMES “The Playbill tells us that this is her first independent production after many years as an extremely successful investor.” JULIA Itwas time to step out from the crowd and be counted as a producer.DPS Published script 84 8/6/15 JAMES, “With the money she has made from these other shows, Mrs. Budder should have done something worthwhile: such as open a mental hospital in which to have her head examined.” JULIA Thave opened hospitals. I’ve done a lot for charity. JAMES “When one thinks of the plays Mrs. Budder could have produced, a Hugh Golden, for example” JULIA Who is this Hugh Golden? I said I would do him. JAMES “...instead of Mr. Austin’s dreck, the mind boggles.” (He stops.) Does anyone want to take over? (He resumes.) “Not only was her decision to mount this play imbecilic, it was also immoral. What possessed you, Mrs. udder?” JULIA What possessed any of us? JAMES “What possessed any of you? Have I left anyone out?” PETER Everyone’s favorite director. JAMES “Oh, yes, the direction of Frank Finger.” FRANK I've been waiting for this. It’s been a long time coming. Go ahead, I’m ready.DPS Published script 85 8/6/15 JAMES “Long the most brilliant of our younger directors (his production of Titus Andronicus at RADA has attained legendary status in certain circles; wretched me, I didn’t sce it), Lord Finger (I know I’m jumping the gun with his Investiture but what the hell!) gives us another stunning production. He makes poetry on a tilted dise. The actors could have stood on it all night for this Finger-phile.” PETER Congratulations, Sir Frank. JULIA Bravo, darling, bravo. FRANK Finger-phile! Finger his! Inever heard such bullshit. VIRGINIA You want to trade? FRANK Is it my looks? Do they all want to have wild sex with me and are blind to the work? Is it my personality? I can’t help it: I was born charismatic. JAMES “L hope this review will not make you want to rush to the Barrymore Theatre. Besides, I bet they’re striking the scenery this very moment.” JULIA Why would they be striking the scenery? It didn’t do anything. Gus It means, taking it down. JAMES “Unless, of course, it hasn’t already collapsed out of sheer embarrassment. Oh well, onwards and upwards with the Arts. (Short pause.) That's it.DPS Published script 86 8/6/15 (He puts the phone down and sits. No one moves. There is a long gloomy pause.) PETER I think it's important that we all love one another very, very much right now. VIRGINIA What was I thinking, doing a play? What do they call those people at Starbucks? Baristas? They always look happy JAMES (He will never really get over this.) Harvey Fierstein? TRA Seeing you people like this, the genuine hurt...I’m sorry more critics can’t share this experience with me. JULIA Oh, fuck off, Mr. Drew. I’m sorry, but please! Gus Back home, you write something like that about people, you're gonna get your ass whupped. I'll be happy to stomp that pecker’s butt good for him, Mrs. Budder, just say the word. JULIA Thank you, Gus, it's a lovely thought but we don’t do things like that in the theatre. PETER We don’t do anything. We pretend nothing happened. And then we suck up to the same people all over again. (There is a burst of applause from downstairs.) VIRGINIA Popular Mechanics just came in. They loved us. We got two hammers and a screw.DPS Published script 87 8/6/15 JAMES Harvey Fierstein? PETER When you think about it, there’s no way he could have liked this play. JULIA ‘There isn’t? PETER But that’s okay. I can think of lots of shows that made it without a good review from the Times. GUS You can, honey? PETER Who is this person? It never fails! Every opening night, some total stranger manages to penetrate the inner sanctum, Opening night of Flashes it was an accountant from Long Island. Everybody thought he was with somebody else. It turned out he hadn’t even seen the play. Remember, Jimmy? JAMES Nathan Lane I could accept but Harvey Fierstein? FRANK This play threatens a lot of people, Peter. JULIA Now you tell me. FRANK People don’t want to see themselves as they are. VIRGINIA You'd have to be a psychotic, narcissistic, masochistic idiot to be an actor.DPS Published script 88 8/6/15 IRA Did you hear the one about the actor who was playing Hamlet. He'd barely begun “To be or not to be” when the audience started booing. He couldn’t hear himself. Finally, he stepped forward and said “I didn’t write this shit.” (This time he can’t control his laughter. The others look at him with much loathing.) “I didn’t write this shit.” (He is writhing with laughter. Finally he is aware of the silence in the room and that he is at the center of it.) But seriously, weren’t you aware something like this might happen? Didn't your preview audiences....? VIRGINIA We had two and a half weeks of senior citizens -- all on freebies and headsets, “What did she say?” “Huh?” “What did she say?” “What did who say?” “That actress who used to be good.” JULIA Don't be bitter, Virginia. It doesn’t become you. Gus Are you a straight play or a comedy? PETER We're a comedy with serious overtones. GUS You mean like Moliere or more like Neil Simon? PETER I mean like me. JULIA You'd better see about the party, Gus. GUS I'm sorry, Mrs. Budder, I was just trying to help. JAMES ‘And bring some food up with you!DPS Published script 89 8/6/15 (GUS goes.) PETER What about our word of mouth? VIRGINIA We've got hoof and mouth! JULIA, Virginia! [hate pessimism. I hate it in real life and I hate it in the theatre That’s why I’m a producer. FRANK Are you okay, Ginny? VIRGINIA For someone who wore out her welcome in her first scene, I’m great. FRANK You're a wonderful actress. VIRGINIA I couldn't even book an A.A. meeting in L.A. “Put me ina film again. It doesn’t have to be the lead, it just has to be good.” Nothing doing. Movies are a cruel business in a cruel town. They deserve one other. You're only as good as what you gross. There is a there there and it’s heartless. I was ina supermarket on Santa Monica, looking at myself on the cover of one of the rags — “Virginia Noyes: Trading Oscar for Drugs?” ~ which is so not true it’s not fanny when I saw the announcement for your play, Peter. FRANK We couldn’t believe it when we heard you were coming in to read for us. VIRGINIA This play was going to turn everything around for me. I didn’t know someone sitting out there thought otherwise. I’m going down there and look every one of those mother-fuckers in the face. I’m an actress, a damn good one. (She goes.)DPS Published script 90 8/6/15 FRANK Ask me if I'd cast her again—in a second. Virginia! (He goes.) PETER Just remember your promise to me, Julia. One good quote, you said, you'll put up a fight for this show. JULIA One good quote, Peter, and Ill put up the biggest fight anybody ever saw. Like that wonderful song says, Mr. Drew, if I can make it here, I can make it there. PETER You might be needing that blimp yet. IRA What blimp? JULIA Our press agent hired the Goodyear blimp with quotes for the play. IRA What’s he going to quote? PETER Our good reviews. And here they come! (Almost all the phones have started ringing again, PETER snatches one up.) Budder residence, Mission Control, this is the Playwright speaking. Who is this? JULIA Who is it? PETER Caryl Churchill from London. She’s worried you're not going to produce her new play now.DPS Published script oO 8/6/15 (Into phone.) You've got a National Theatre. Leave ours alone. (He hands the phone to JULIA.) JULIA Peter! PETER If I weren't a playwright I'd be a very nice person! (GUS returns with a bundle of scripts and a copy of the New York Times as well.) Gus Hugh Golden read the Times review and bicycled his plays over. PETER In this weather? How ambitious can you get? Gus T brought the Times up, too. JAMES T'll take one of those. (He takes it and turns at once to the Entertainment section.) JULIA (Finishing up her phone calls.) Do some re-writes, Caryl. I don’t want another tonight on my hands. (She hangs up.) I don’t think the British really like us. I think it’s a terrible idea to move the Tony Awards to London to save them the trip. JAMES What do you know! The Phantom of the Opera is closing. GUS No fair! I haven’t seen it yet.DPS Published script 92 8/6/15 JAMES You better hurry. “Positively last ten years” it says. (GUS goes.) PETER There’s still hope, Julia. I had a Mass said for the critics. I sent them each a Mass card. IRA ‘A Mass card! Now I’ve heard everything. What wouldn't you do for a good review? PETER Put a bag over your head and I’d fuck you for one. IRA I can see that, but a Mass card? JAMES (Aghast at what he’s reading.) “ABC Announces Four Cancellations; Out On A Limb Among Them.” PETER That's terrible, Jimmy, just terrible. JAMES We never had a chance. PETER You had nine years with it. JAMES Not with our writers. PETER You never have to work again. JAMES Not in our time slot.DPS Published script 93 8/6/15 PETER You can do theatre now. JAMES Not with her for a co-star. It was like kissing Bin Laden every week. (He has gone to the telephone.) PETER What are you doing? JAMES, (Already dialing.) There are other things in the world besides your play. PETER Not tonight there are not. JAMES (Into phone.) Hello, ABC? I want to protest the cancellation of — (PETER breaks the connection.) PETER You're not going to make my opening about you. I need that phone. JAMES You could stuff an elephant with the egos in this room. PETER (As he dials a number.) Do they know the financial sacrifices I made to write this play? Pilots, movies of the week. A mini-series on the life of Anthony Wiener. (Into phone.) Hello, Did I wake you? Good! This is James Wicker. JAMES What are you doing?DPS Published script 94 6/15 PETER I just read your review of the new Peter Austin play and I think you're a pretentious, diva-worshipping, British-ass-kissing twat and no wonder no one likes you. (He hangs up.) That’s telling him, JAMES Who was that? PETER Ben Brantley. JAMES Ben Brantley? PETER You see what this business is driving me to? JAMES Ben Brantley?? How did you get his number? PETER Thave all the critics” numbers. JAMES You listen to me. You call him right back and tell him that wasn’t me. Dial. Dial! PETER Where’s your famous sense of humor? JAMES Dial! (To anyone who will listen.) He called Ben Brantley a pretentious, diva-worshipping, British-ass-kissing twat and no wonder no one likes him and said it was me!DPS Published script 95 8/6/15 PETER (Into phone.) Hello, Mr. Brantley? That wasn’t James Wicker who just woke you up and said you were a pretentious, diva-worshippping, British-ass-kissing twat and no wonder no one likes you. JAMES Thank you, Peter, now give me that. (Takes phone.) It was me, Harvey Fierstein. (He hangs up. They are both exhausted from all this.) JULIA Shame on you both. IRA Mrs. Budder, about Bluestocking. JULIA Not now, Mr. Drew. JAMES Grow up, Peter, face facts. Your play is a flop. (Realizes what he’s said.) I mean--! PETER You've been waiting to use the F word all evening. JAMES That's not true. PETER ‘You're frothing at the mouth. There’s foam on your lips. JAMES, This is ridiculous.DPS Published script 96 8/6/15 PETER Say it again, say flop. JAMES: Idon’t have to. PETER What does that mean? JAMES A lot of other people are saying it for me. PETER Who? Name one. JAMES Ben Brantley for openers. PETER Flop, if that isn’t the ugliest word in the English language, I'd like to know what is. JAMES: How about wishing someone and his fucking series a sudden and violent death? PETER It would be the best thing that ever happened to you. JAMES I'll be the judge of that. PETER You can do theatre again. JAMES You've turned into a theatre snob.DPS Published script 97 8/6/15 PETER Proud of it! To see your best friend, a great actor, making a fool of himself, week after week, year after year...! JAMES, I knew you never liked my series. PETER After the pilot, I never watched it. JAMES I wish I could say the same thing about your play. PETER You told me you loved it. JAMES. I turned it down. When do I ever turn anything down? I did Dancing With The Stars. Do the math! PETER To think I made youa star! JAMES Made me a what? PETER You were on a streetcar named oblivion before my play. JAMES Funny, the first thing people talk about is my performance. PETER I think you should revive it and salvage what’s left of your reputation. JULIA Grown men! JAMES Revive it with someone with a more masculine presence who cuts deeper.DPS Published script 98, 8/6/15 PETER You know something? Harvey did. JAMES, Funny how it closed three weeks after I left and Harvey went in. PETER It wasn’t Harvey’s fault, there was a big strike on at the time. JAMES UPS, for Christ’s sake. Next thing you'll be telling us is this one failed because it opened on Flag Day. You wrote a turkey, Peter. A big fat turkey Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. (He does his flapping wings imitation. PETER remembers it all now: the intermission, Bernadette Peter’s laughter.) PETER This is a wrap for our friendship. JAMES Total. PETER It should have happened five years ago. JAMES Ten. JULIA I'd rather not have produced this play than to see this. (The phone rings. PETER darts for it.) PETER Buzz? JULIA, If | had a best friend, I’d treasure him.DPS Published script 99 8/6/15 PETER (Handing the phone to JULIA.) It’s the Shuberts, those vultures. Close this play, Julia—! JULIA Who said anything about closing? PETER It’s crossed your mind, don’t deny it. JULIA Well of course it has, No one’s that stupid. (Taking phone.) I dread this. (Into the phone.) Hello, Mr. Shubert... Well if your name isn’t Shubert why does everyone call you the Shuberts?...Don’t raise your voice to me, Mr. Wankel, I produced this play and I can close it... PETER That’s my Julia. JULIA That’s a little more like it. Listen, darling, whoever you are, we're in an absolute state of shock about the Times but I haven’t thrown in the towel. I'ma fighter. I'd like to find a way to lower our weekly operating costs. Do we need all those stagehands? Our set doesn’t move. We don’t even have a curtain to raise and lower. I know that’s a good question: I thought you might be able'to answer it. And what about those men playing poker in the basement? I know they're musicians -- but we're not a musical. JAMES You don’t want to go messing with the unions. JULIA Well, if your hands are tied, what about mine?...I see... see... see. Of course I don’t want that on my conscience. (She hangs up.) If we close tonight, they'll give the Barrymore to Riverdance 11.DPS Published script 100 8/6/15 PETER I'd hate to be in your shoes tonight, Julia. JULIA They're your shoes, too, Peter, they’re everyone’s. (GUS, VIRGINIA and FRANK return, GUS has a new armful of coats.) VIRGINIA ‘Are we gonna run? PETER We're still waiting for the rest of the reviews. Gus The cast of The Iceman Cometh just got here. It’s a very long play. (The phone rings. GUS answers it.) PETER This'll be Buzz. JULIA All we need is one strong quote and I'll run this play forever. GUS Hello? (They all seem to sense that this is “it.”) It’s your press agent with the rest of the reviews. JULIA (Shaking her head.) James? (JAMES reluctantly starts for the phone.)DPS Published script 101 8/6/15 PETER The moment he’s been waiting for, Julia. JAMES, (Genuine.) That’s not true, Peter. JULIA He doesn’t mean that, James. (JAMES takes the phone. JULIA, PETER, VIRGINIA, GUS and FRANK hold hands.) JAMES, (Into phone.) Buzz, Jimmy Wicker... Thank you, I’m sorry, too. It was a good ride while it lasted. Listen, I hope you've got some good news for us. That review in the Times was a shaft out of left field. You were double-crossed? How do you think they felt? Okay, let’s go. Fuck the Times. GUS (Helpfully.) Itake shorthand....? (JULIA nods. GUS takes up pencil and paper.) JAMES. (He will listen and repeat the following.) “In the final analysis, Mr. Austin’s new play falls just short enough of the mark to fail utterly, however honorably.” The Daily News. PETER Tove you, too. JAMES “If and when the great American play is written, Peter Austin could be its author, but not with this one.” FRANK ‘You hear that, mate?DPS Published script 102 8/6/15 VIRGINIA A review like that would keep me going for at least the rest of my life JAMES “Virginia Noyes is a luminescent actress. She brings a touching dignity and emotional honesty to the role that is a huge step forward from her screen persona. Welcome back to the theatre, Miss Noyes.” VIRGINIA That sounds good. FRANK It’s bloody brilliant. JAMES, “Sir Frank Finger’s direction...” FRANK Don’t even bother. JAMES “. ,escapes me, the play and the production.” FRANK You want to repeat that? JAMES “Long the most over-rated talent I know (the Queen was clearly having a Senior Moment when she put him on her Honor’s List), Mr. Finger is one emperor who isn’t wearing any clothes. Will somebody take away this man’s Green Card and send him back to Mother England? We fought a Revolution to rid ourselves of assholes like him.” The New York Post. JULIA Congratulations, Sir Frank, bravo. FRANK Thanks.DPS Published script 103 8/6/15 PETER I'm very happy for you, Frank. VIRGINIA Are you okay? FRANK I'm fine. I feel good. Really really good. Thank you New York Post. 1 finally got what I wanted. [hate it. Who does he think he is anyway? My father? “Good boy! Bad boy! Go play some rugby with your mates, ‘stead of playing with bleeding puppets.” “But I love me puppets, Daddy.” “I'll show you what I think of your little toy theatre. (FRANK smashes his little toy theatre to smithereens.) That's what I think of it! Think you’re better than your old man, don’t you?” “I don’t, Daddy!” “Going off to Oxford to read literature when your dad can't even read his own name.” “He can’t read his own name.” “I know!” “The biggest mistake of me entire life was taking you to that bloody Christmas panto.” “I want to be Peter Pan, daddy. I want to fly.” “I’ll teach you to fly, you little lump of nothing.” (FRANK proceeds to give himself a good physical beating. He is having a breakthrough: psychic fireworks abound. Finally, he grows still.) Okay. That was great. I’ve got an appointment with Mildred tomorrow Here. I don’t need these anymore. (He unloads more purloined goods. The amount and variety of them will astonish us.) JULIA My gym membership. IRA My gun. VIRGINIA My Quaaludes.DPS Published script 104 8/6/15 JAMES: A meatball hero. (Back into phone.) Yes, we're still here, Buzz. Did you hear all that? You've made one person very happy. (PETER drapes FRANK in his black shroud.) PETER Rest, rest perturbed spirit. FRANK Thank you, mate. (We sense a new FRANK after this catharsis.) PETER What about the weeklies? JAMES (Quoting Buzz.) Time magazine doesn’t review shows that already closed. PETER We haven’t closed! JAMES Time Out left after the first act. New York left during the first act. PETER Get the New Yorker. They've always been good to me. JAMES They're coming the second night, if there is one. (They all look at JULIA. She shakes her head and weeps.) Should he cancel the blimp? (JULIA nods.) I guess that’s the ball game, Buzz.DPS Published script 105 8/6/15 JULIA Tell him I’m very disappointed in his services. JAMES (Hanging up.) He just told me he quit. Gus For what it’s worth: in the out-of-town tryout, the original Harvey was a giraffe. JULIA I can’t deal with a remark like that. GUS Changing him to an invisible rabbit happened walking across the Boston Common after a Saturday matinee. JULIA No more theatre lore, Gus, please. want you to go downstairs and ask everyone to leave. Tell them the party’s over. GUS You heard Mr. Brantley: onwards and upwards. (He goes.) PETER Pll tell you one thing, Mr. Drew. God punishes people who do plays on Broadway. He punishes them good. IRA That’s why He invented regional theatre. PETER New York is my regional theatre. It’s the only one I have. I don’t know what people want in a play anymore. I mean, besides 90 minutes with no intermission and someone they’ve been told is a star?DPS Published script 106, 8/6/15 JULIA Life — lots and lots of life. We want to laugh. We want to cry. We want to feel something about who we are. Take us somewhere. We'll go with you. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. PETER You make it sound easy. JAMES When I'd get discouraged, my father used to say “It’s only a play, Jimbo, it’s only a play.” Only he said it in Italian. “E solo una commedia, Jimbo, & solo una commedia.” He never saw me make it JULIA Elliot always says, “It’s your money, honey. You sure you want to throw it away like this?” (GUS returns.) Gus It’s breaking up down there. Everybody's real disappointed. The cast was wondering if there’s going to be a second night. JULIA That’s up to Peter. PETER What'd be the point? (He turns away.) Gus They said to thank you for being the nicest producer they've ever worked with. And they want to wish you a merry Christmas. (The phones have started to ring again. No one has the heart to answer them this time.) PETER No more calls.DPS Published script 107 8/6/15 Gus Hello? (To PETER.) It’s for you. PETER Who is it? GUS Corpus Christi, Texas (PETER walks to the phone. It is the longest mile. GUS. leaves with an armful of the departing guests’ coats.) PETER Hi, Dad. How are you feeling? They fit great. I gota lot of compliments...Hi, Mom... The reviews are pretty good. Not great but.... No, not as good as Flashes. Yes, he’s here, he came all the way. I'll give him your love. Listen, can I get back to you? I don’t want to tie this phone up--...I love you, too. (He hangs up. To JAMES.) They sent you their love (He is crying. He breaks down. Now it is JULIA who breaks down and sobs.) JULIA It’s all my fault. That turntable did matter. I’ll never forgive myself. (The tears are contagious. Now it is VIRGINIA who breaks down and sobs.) VIRGINIA It’s my fault. Everybody was staring at the goddamn ankle bracelet and then, when it went off....! JAMES You're right, Peter, it’s my fault. Your play never had a chance without me.DPS Published script 108 8/6/15 FRANK It’s my fault. I wanted to fail and I brought you and your play down instead! PETER It’s all my fault. I wrote it. (He, too, breaks down and cries and joins the others in a tearful huddle of mutual comforting and stroking. The stage is awash in tears, real tears, Even TORCH joins in with a heart-rending howl from the bathroom.) JULIA. Torch! (GUS has returned . When he sees the wailing group he begins to sing. He has a sweet, clear, true voice. He sings “Defying Gravity” from Wicked.) GUS Just a little something to cheer you up. JULIA Thank you, Gus. That's the spirit. Here’s to your next one, Peter. PETER After tonight, who’d want to produce it? JULIA certainly would. Why do you think I produced this one? PETER A tax loss? JULIA Peter! PETER You really liked it?DPS Published script 109 8/6/15 JULIA And I thought a lot of other people would, too. Of course there were things wrong with your play. I wish I could have helped you fix them but I don’t have your genius for the moments that did work. We just didn’t have quite enough of them tonight. But the sight of Virginia in her big speech: the way that Sir Frank had her standing, her hair, the costume, the lighting, your beautiful words...you could hear a pin drop. (We see FRANK “frame” VIRGINIA with his hands as if he were directing the moments JULIA is describing.) VIRGINIA “I would dream of Persia and flying carpets and every far-off place I'd ever read of. I could dream of them under my quilt with the calico patches.” PETER That was perfect, Virginia, just perfect! Thank you. Gus Sounds like I missed something. JULIA You did, Gus. And I produced it. Anyone can come up with a tax loss. It takes a very special maniac to produce a play. (There is a final cadenza of tears and sniffles from this surrogate “family”. Only IRA has been excluded from this grouping.) TRA I don’t understand you people. One minute you’re at each other’s throats, the next you’re going to do another play together. JAMES It’s called theatre. What is it you don’t understand? IRA I'm in the theatre, too, you know. VIRGINIA On the outside looking in, on the outside looking in.DPS Published script 110 8/6/15 IRA I'm sorry but I feel in. VIRGINIA You're not. (And now it is IRA’s turn to break down and sob. At once, he is the center of their attention as their cares and woes are temporarily forgotten.) IRA I can’t live with it anymore! I've got to tell someone. I am Caroline Comstock. ALL Who? IRA The author of Bluestocking. Caroline Comstock is my nom de plume. 1 didn’t want to unduly influence anyone because of my position as a critic I've written 38 plays. That's two more than Shakespeare, 33 more than Chekhov. All I ever wanted was to see one of them produced. | felt'such a pang of envy when the lights came up this evening. It’s as if that set had been designed for Bluestocking. I won't call Bluestocking another King Lear butit’s no Riverdance 1/ either. It’s the best American play in years. On top of everything else, it only has one set and two characters. JULIA You already mentioned that. PETER They all want to be playwrights. It’s a noble profession. Well, dream on, Mr. Drew. I wrote my first play in high school, the life of George Gershwin. I got all my information from the back of record jackets. In the first scene, young George gets thrown out of a music publisher's office. The secretary consoles him and shyly confesses she is a budding lyricist. What's your name?” George asks her. “Ira,” she answers. I think my career has been downhill ever since.DPS Published script Mm 8/6/15 GUS Td better get the rest of these coats downstairs. (GUS exits.) PETER Bar Centrale, everybody. Or Joe Allen, if we can’t get in. Come on, everyone, it’s on me. You, too, Mr. Drew, what the hell. Ginny? VIRGINIA ‘You wrote Bluestocking for Meryl What’s-Her-Face, I suppose? IRA Actually, Miss Noyes, you'd be wonderful for the role of Cubby. VIRGINIA Cubby. IRA Cubby Blunt. She’s sort of an Everywoman figure. Down to earth, basic, warm, very vital. FRANK Your play could be done on Peter’s disc, you say? IRA With only the slightest of modifications. JULIA The load out/load in costs are exorbitant but they couldn’t charge either one: we're already there. PETER. Ginny? Frank? Julia? Let’s go. James? JAMES Talk to me about the man’s role. IRA His name is Fred Brown.DPS Published script 12 8/6/15 JAMES, Fred Brown? IRA But that could be changed, along with the title. JULIA Clap of Doom! I've always wanted to produce something called Clap of Doom. JAMES like Fred Brown. It’s strong, nothing wishy-washy. JULIA. I like Tucker. IRA Tucker is marvelous. Anyway, Tucker, Fred is down to earth, great humor, lots of warmth. JAMES Virile? IRA Extremely. JULIA Elliot will like that. He’s bullish in that department. What do you think, Frank? VIRGINIA He’s working. Don’t go near him (Indeed, FRANK has been furiously thrashing about in his mind ((and body)) ever since he looked at IRA’s script.)DPS Published script M3 8/6/15 FRANK Okay, I've got a concept. It’s something that’s never been attempted before and it scares the shit out of me. Are you ready to be frightened? Check this out for kamikaze theatre. Two actors on a bare dise. Somebody enters... (GUS enters.) GUS That's about it down there. FRANK ...and puts a script in their hands. (He hands GUS a script.) No rehearsal, no previews, nothing. Instant theatre. We could open tomorrow. VIRGINIA You know me and lines, Frank. FRANK I don’t like my actors getting stale. JAMES I don’t get stale, I ripen. VIRGINIA Ibuy it. JAMES. love it. JULIA It’s brilliant, Sir Frank. But that’s exactly the idea behind Bluestocking. The play is set ina rehearsal situation. The actors are meant to be carrying their scripts. It's part of my concept.DPS Published script 4 8/6/15 FRANK ‘Your concept? Who’s directing this play? We need more scripts. IRA They’re right downstairs. (He dashes out of the room.) JULIA. Tell the rest of the staff, Gus, we're not to be disturbed. GUS Okay, but that’s it, darling. I’m in rehearsal. (He goes.) PETER What do you think you're doing, Julia? JULIA All 'm thinking, Peter, is that with Bluestocking, Virginia, Frank and now James will be right back to work, Gus will get to Broadway, and the Ethel Barrymore will be blazing with a new American play instead of those dreadful dancing Irish people. PETER You'll be the laughing stock of Broadway JULIA After tonight, I already am VIRGINIA The sooner you get back up on that high wire, Peter, the better. PETER Et tu, Brute? JAMES You can’t write every play.DPS Published script 1S 8/6/15 PETER No, but I can want to. JULIA Start writing your next play. PETER Plays don’t pop us like toast. JULIA This time I think you should write a love story. PETER This one was a love story, only nobody noticed. (IRA returns with a briefcase full of scripts.) IRA Sorry I took so long. (He starts distributing scripts.) PETER You're too late. She’s reviving Moose Murders. (GUS returns and joins the others ready to read.) GUS They've all gone down there. JAMES It’s been so long, I hope I haven’t forgotten how to do this. PETER I thought you all loved me. JULIA We do, darling, but we love the theatre more. FRANK Bluestocking, a new play by Caroline Comstock.DPS Published script 116 8/6/15 TRA Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear those words? FRANK “Atrise: nothing.” JAMES We'll see about that. FRANK “Ten seconds of this. The lights come up ona green chair. It is empty. A woman screams in the distance.” (VIRGINIA screams.) “Oris it a woman?” (JAMES screams.) “An ineffable sound.” GUS Me? FRANK (Of course him.) No, Julia. (JULIA screams.) Yes, you! (GUS screams. A star is born!) Where have you been all my life? (He gives GUS a big kiss.) IRA This is exciting FRANK What do all these dots mean? IRA Hesitations, pauses.DPS Published script 17 8/6/15 FRANK I don’t do dots. JAMES, Neither do I. VIRGINIA Me either. GUS Pinter uses dots. FRANK Fuck Pinter. (He rips pages from IRA’s script. JAMES, VIRGINIA and GUS. follow suit. The phone begins to ring. GUS answers it.) GUS Heartbreak House. (To JULIA.) It’s the Shuberts. They want to know if you're closing, Mrs. Budder. JULIA I don’t know what I want to do anymore, PETER When I saw our marquee go dark tonight, I thought: It’s important those lights keep burning. New York without the theatre is Newark. Did I give Julia the best play I could? Was Virginia’s part as good as she was? Why dida’t I write a part Jimmy couldn’t turn down? Jack’s good but he’s not you, Jimmy. Frank, if we ever work together again, I’m going to ask you to respect every damn word and comma of my text and return my iPhone. FRANK. Here. PETER Thank you.DPS Published script 118 8/6/15 JULIA (Still holding the receiver.) Peter? PETER You want some life? Lots and lots of life? Okay, how’s this? “Julia Budder presents James Wicker and Virginia Noyes in It's Only A Play by Peter Austin featuring Gus. Entire production conceived and directed by Sir Frank Finger. JULIA That’s a marquee, we need a play. PETER I'll give you your play. I’ve been writing it my whole life. I've lived it. We all have. It’s about a leading man who’s forgotten how good he can be and a best friend who makes me the best writer | can be. It’s about an actress who is her own natural high, who can make the largest theatre a room in which you can hear a pin drop because everyone’s stopped breathing. It’s about a producer who trusts us to give her the best we can and who can raise money and not give us too many notes because of it. It’s about a director who’s smart enough to keep us all on the same page and will maybe lead us to where there is glory. Everything I need or want is in this room. Even you, Mr. Drew. JULIA (Into phone.) I’m staying put, Mr. Shubert, or whatever the hell your name is. I'm putting my finger in the dyke and holding back the night. The Barrymore is not available. Budder’s back in business. (She hangs up.) Now let’s get crackin’. IRA ‘What happened to my play? GUS The second act needs work.DPS Published script 119 8/6/15 IRA How do you know? JAMES, He’s right. I flipped ahead cus Every second act needs work. That’s the first thing they taught us. JULIA Sorry to get your hopes up, Mr. Drew. PETER Allright: “We are in the bedroom of a townhouse on Manhattan's East Side. Downstairs an opening night party is in progress. We hear laughter and music wafting up the stairs.” Gus “Wafting!” I can do wafting. (He watts.) JULIA like it better already. VIRGINIA Can you imagine going from one play right into another? JAMES What about going from a cancelled series right into the lead of a new play? ‘There must be a name for something like that. PETER “Coup du theatre.” VIRGINIA Coup du fucking fabulous. IRA ‘You can’t write a play in one night, Mr. Austin.DPS Published seript 120 8/6/15 PETER I can with this one. VIRGINIA I want a personal assistant and a trainer this time, Julia. PETER “A young man enters carrying coats. He is moony-eyed and star struck, like every one of us at our first opening night party.” Gus Ican do that. JULIA You're so young to be so talented. Gus Thank you, ma’am PETER “A dapper, funny, big-hearted beloved star of the theatre enters. He is handsome and flush in his designer tuxedo. The audience applauds wildly.” JAMES No one writes for me like you, Peter. Is this my first monologue? PETER “With him is a beautiful, sexy, sophisticated woman, There is a standing ovation at her entrance.” VIRGINIA This is so much better already, Peter. PETER “A dog barks stage right.” (TORCH accommodates him from offstage in the bathroom stage left.)DPS Published script 121 R615 All right, Torch, stage left, have it your way! FRANK No dog PETER There has to be a dog. FRANK T won't work with animals, children or F. Murray Abraham. JULIA He’s right, people love dogs, darling. I’m not sure about F. Murray Abraham. IRA A play about an opening night party! Theatre people! F. Murray Abraham! Who cares about them? JULIA I certainly do, IRA Well of course you do. I’m talking about the audience. PETER They can decide for themselves. IRA That’s my job! (They are all eager for PETER to begin, even IRA, who has whipped out his trusty pad and pencil, ready to criticize. PETER is their Pied Piper now. They all depend on him and will follow him anywhere.) PETER At rise...and if those aren’t the two most exciting words in the English language, I’d like to know what are,DPS Published script 122 8/6/15 IRA (Writing on his pad.) Sentimental claptrap. (The lights are beginning to fade.) PETER The house has gone to dark.... JULIA I’m...what’s the word? Somebody Jewish help me...I’m kerplunkt. PETER ... the actors are in place... (JAMES and VIRGINIA take hands. Her ankle bracelet goes off again. She doesn’t even bother with it this time.) VIRGINIA You'll get used to it. PETER . all is in readiness... (IRA stops taking notes and listens. He, too, is caught up.) ...the play can begin. JULIA This is when I look at the audience and wonder where do all these people come from? PETER How do you like it so far, Jimmy? JAMES Wonderful, just wonderful. PETER Cue lights.DPS Published script 123, 8/6/15 FRANK Go. PETER And curtain! (He gestures with both arms for the curtain to rise. At the same time, our curtain falls. The play is over.) THE END (IMPORTANT NOTE: The first curtain call is taken by TORCH. He comes out of the bathroom. He is an adorable Beagle.)