Many of us experience feeling trapped in our minds.

Our thoughts and beliefs determine,

and often limit, how we feel, what we do and what we think is possible.

In my work I’ve discovered that while our imprisoning beliefs show up and play out in
unique ways, there are some common mental prisons that contribute to suffering.

Ultimately, freedom requires hope, which I define in two ways: the awareness that
suffering, however terrible, is temporary; and the curiosity to discover what happens next.

Hope allows us to live in the present instead of the past, and to unlock the doors of our
mental prisons.

I don’t want people to read my story and think: ‘There’s no way my suffering compares to
hers.’ I want people to hear my story and think: ‘If she can do it, so can I!’

The Choice
The Gift, to turn all the lessons I learned into a gift I offer you now: the opportunity to decide what
kind of life you want to have and to free yourself from what’s holding you back.
Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis (Times are changing, and we are changing with them).

We aren’t stuck in the past or stuck in our old patterns and behaviours. We’re here now,
in the present, and it’s up to us what we hold on to, what we let go, and what we reach
for.

EXERCISE: For one day, keep track of every time you say ‘I can’t’, ‘I need’, ‘I should’ and
‘I’m trying’. Eliminate this language of fear from your vocabulary and replace it with
something else: ‘I can’, ‘I want’, ‘I’m willing’, ‘I choose’, ‘I am’.

BREAK FREE FROM . . . FIGHTING WITH A LOVER

 The biggest disruptor of intimacy is low-level, chronic anger and irritation. It’s what
happens when all the usual intrusions of life — stress over money, work, children,
extended family or illness — build up into worry and hurt because the couple lacks the
time or the tools to resolve them together.

Before two people know it, they’re living separate lives.

I harboured resentment toward my husband Béla, the son of a prominent family in

Prešov, Czechoslovakia, whom I married after the war, at the age of 19.

I thought him impatient, quick to anger, stuck in the past, and those feelings festered for
so many years, I thought the only way to be free was to divorce him.

It was only after we’d split and disrupted our children’s lives that I realised my
disappointment and anger had little to do with Béla and everything to do with my own
unfinished emotional business and unresolved grief.
Instead of finding freedom by discovering my own genuine purpose and direction in life, I
decided that freedom meant being away from Béla.

When we’re angry, it’s often because there’s a gap between our expectations and reality.

Often, we marry (like Romeo and Juliet) without really knowing each other. We fall in love
with love, or with an image of a person to whom we’ve assigned all the traits and
characteristics we crave, or with someone with whom we can repeat the familiar patterns
we learned in our families of origin.

Or we present a false self, seeking love and a secure relationship by giving up who we
really are.

Falling in love is a chemical high. It feels amazing, and it’s temporary. When the feeling
fades, we’re left with a lost dream, with a sense of loss over the partner or relationship we
never had in the first place. So many salvageable relationships are abandoned in despair.

But love isn’t what you feel. It’s what you do. There’s no going back to the early days of a
relationship, to the time before you became angry and disappointed and cut off. There’s
something better: a renaissance.

Many couples have a three-step dance, a cycle of conflict they keep repeating. Step one
is frustration. It’s left to fester, and pretty soon they move on to step two: fighting. They
yell or rage until they’re tired, and fall into step three: making up. (Never have sex after a
fight. It just reinforces the fighting!)

Making up seems like the end of the conflict, but it’s a continuation of the cycle. The initial
frustration hasn’t been resolved. You’ve just set yourselves up for another round.

Two years after our divorce, Béla and I remarried. But we didn’t return to the same
marriage we’d had before. We weren’t resigned to each other, we’d chosen each other
anew, and this time without the distorted lens of resentment and unmet expectations.

EXERCISE: Change the dance steps. Next time frustration brews, decide on one thing to
do differently. If your partner is irritable or cross, ask yourself: ‘Whose problem is it?’
Unless you caused the problem, you’re not responsible.

Say: ‘Sounds like you’re in a tricky position. Sounds like you’re cross about that.’

When he tries to make his feelings about you, give the feelings back to him. They’re his
feelings to face — stop rescuing him. Take note of how it went and celebrate any change.

BREAK FREE FROM . . . THE CURSE OF BUSY-NESS

I often say that love is a four-letter word spelled T-I-M-E. While our inner resources are
limitless, our time and energy are limited. They run out.
If you work, have children, a relationship and friends, volunteer, exercise and care for an
ageing parent or someone with medical or special needs, how do you structure your time
so you don’t neglect yourself? How do you create a balance between working, loving and
playing? I am no longer in the habit of denying myself, emotionally or physically. I’m proud
to be a high-maintenance woman! My wellness regimen includes acupuncture and
massage. I do regular beauty treatments that aren’t necessary, but feel good. I have
facials. I go to the department store make-up counter and experiment with new ways of
doing my eyes.

If I hadn’t learned to develop my inner confidence and sense of self-worth, no amount of

pampering on the outside could change the way I feel about myself. But now that I hold
myself in high esteem, now that I love myself, I know that taking care of myself on the
inside can include taking care of myself on the outside, too — treating myself to nice
things without suffering guilt; letting my appearance be an avenue for self-expression.

And I’ve learned to accept a compliment. When someone says: ‘I like your scarf,’ I say,
‘Thank you. I like it, too.’

EXERCISE: Make a chart that shows your waking hours each day of the week. Label the
time you spend every day working, loving and playing. (Some activities might fit in more
than one category.) Then add up the total hours you spend working, loving and playing in
a typical week. Are the three categories roughly in balance? How could you structure your
days differently so you do more of whatever is currently receiving the least of your time?

BREAK FREE FROM . . . COMPULSIVE HABITS

When I’m trying to help a patient get at the patterns of behaviour they might have learned
as a child, I often ask: ‘Is there anything you do in excess?’

We often use substances and behaviours to medicate our wounds: food, sugar, alcohol,
shopping, gambling, sex.

We can even do healthy things in excess. We can become addicted to work or exercise
or restrictive diets. But when we’re hungry for affection, attention and approval, nothing is
going to fill the need. Many of us didn’t have the loving and caring parents we desired and
deserved. Maybe they were preoccupied, angry, worried, depressed. Maybe we were
born at the wrong time, in a season of friction, loss or financial strain.

The problem is, by overeating or drinking too much, we’re going to the wrong place to fill
the void.

EXERCISE: Think of a moment in childhood or adolescence when you felt hurt by

another’s actions. Imagine the moment as though you are reliving it. Pay attention to
sights, sounds, smells, tastes, physical sensations.

Then picture yourself as you are now. See yourself enter the past moment and take your
past self by the hand. Guide yourself out of the place where you were hurt, out of the
past. Tell yourself: ‘Here I am. I’m going to take care of you.’
 The Gift: 12 Lessons To Save Your Life, by Edith Eger (£14.99, Rider), to be published on
September 3. © Edith Eger, 2020.