What to do if your child is being bullied

No parent likes to think about their child being bullied or, even worse, being a bully but the fact is, more than
half of all children are involved – either as a perpetrator, victim or witness. So, there’s a good chance you’ll
have to deal with it at some point. If your child is being bullied there are things you can do to help them.
Tips to help your child

"Listen without getting angry or upset," says Sandra Hiller, Family Lives. "Put your own feelings aside, sit down
and actually listen to what your child is telling you – then show you have done so by ‘playing back’ to them what
you hear. Ask your child: "How do you want me to take this forward?" rather than just taking over so they don’t
feel excluded from deciding what to do or end up even more stressed/worried than they were already.

Reassure your child it’s not their fault. There’s still a stigma attached to bullying and some children feel they’ve
brought it upon themselves. Remind them that many celebrities have been bullied too. Being bullied isn't about
being weak and being a bully isn't about being strong. "Encourage your child to try to appear confident - even if
they don’t feel it," says Sue Atkins, former deputy head and parenting coach. Body language and tone of voice
speak volumes.

Sometimes people say nasty things because they want a certain reaction or to cause upset, so if your child
gives them the impression they’re not bothered, the bullies are more likely to stop. Role-play bullying scenarios
and practice your child’s responses. Talk about how our voices, bodies and faces send messages just the
same way our words do.

Don’t let the bullying dominate their life. Help your child develop new skills in a new area, says Rob Parsons,
international speaker on family life and author of Teenagers! What Every Parent Has to Know (Hodder &
Stoughton, £7.99). This might mean encouraging them to join a club or activity like drama or self-defence. This
builds confidence, helps keep the problem in perspective and offers a chance to make new friends. Ease up on
pressure in other less-important areas like nagging about an untidy bedroom.
Things to avoid

Don’t charge off demanding to see the head teacher, the bully or the bully’s parents. This is usually the very
reaction children dread and, according to ChildLine’s counsellors, can cause bullying to get worse."Never tell
your child to hit or shout names back," says Sandra Hiller. "It simply doesn’t solve the problem and, if your child
is under-confident (and most bullied children are) then it just adds to their stress and anxiety."

Never dismiss their experience: If your child has plucked up the courage to tell you about bullying, it’s crushing
to be told to "sort it out yourself" or "it’s all part of growing up." Don’t tell them to ignore it, warns Lyndall Horton-
James, Bullying Prevention Education Consultant and author of 'Raising Bullywise Kids'. This only teaches
them that bullying has to be tolerated, rather than stopped – and sets them up for further bullying in the future.
Dealing with your feelings

"You may feel anger, hurt, guilt, helplessness or fear," explains Sue Atkins. "Your own memories of being a
child may help you empathise and find solutions but they can also get in the way. Think about how you feel
before reacting – or you may not be able to help as much as you want."

Be honest, advises Lyndall Horton-James, "Be prepared to admit that you don’t know something and offer to
help find an answer by searching the internet, calling a helpline, asking their school or by visiting the library
together.

"Doing everyday tasks together provides ideal opportunities to chat casually about bullying," says Lyndall. "But
don’t expect a once-only message to stick: Research shows that around 40% of children, whose parents had
talked to them about bullying, couldn’t recall what their parents had said."
Don’t be upset if your child wants to talk to other adults and friends about the problem. You, also, may find it
helpful to discuss the matter confidentially with your friends – though preferably not with those whose children
go to the same school.

Getting support from the school

All schools are legally required to have an anti-bullying policy. Many also offer different forms of peer
support where certain children are trained in active listening or mediation skills to help bullied children. In
secondary schools they may be called peer mentors, supporters, counsellors, listeners or mediators while in
primary schools, they might be called friendship or playground buddies, playtime pals or peacemakers. Lyndall
Horton-James, Bullying Prevention and Education Consultant offers the following tips:

 Before you approach the school, list all the facts: what happened, who was
involved, when it occurred, who witnessed it, anything your child did that may
have provoked the incident, whether it was a one-off or series of events.

 Don’t arrive at the school unexpectedly: Make an appointment with the class
teacher or head of year.

 Aim to work together with the school and make it clear that you are seeking the
school's help in finding a solution.

 Avoid accusing the school: Remember that teachers are usually the last to find
out that bullying is happening at school. The sequence is "friends first, then
parents, lastly schools".

 Be patient: Allow the school time to deal with the problem but stay in touch with
them and arrange a follow up meeting to see how the situation is being resolved.
THE education ministry’s submission of a policy draft on the prevention of bullying at school, treating it as an offence, to
the High Court Division is welcome in that a staggering 35 per cent of students aged between 13 and 15 years are reported
being bullied in Bangladesh, as a UNICEF report which was based on incidents in 2014 said in September 2018. The
ministry submitted the draft on Monday against the backdrop of a student of Viqarunnisa Noon School committing suicide
in December 2018 after the school authorities summoned her guardians and scolded her in their presence for cheating in
examinations, and the court is expected to pass further order on the issue in June. The draft which has defined bullying of
three types — verbal, which is saying or writing something to mock someone or swearing at or threatening someone;
physical, which is hitting someone with something, slapping, kicking, pushing, poking, spitting, snatching away or
breaking someone’s belongings and making indecent and impolite gesture; and social, which is severing relationship with
someone or provoking someone to stop being friends with someone because of social status or religious identity, etc —
has also talked about responsibilities of guardians and family to prevent bullying.
Bullying can affect the well-being of students. Targeted children can suffer from poor performance in school, sleep issues,
anxiety and depression and students doing the bullying could be at risk for a host of issues that could extend into
adulthood, ranging from violent behaviour to substance abuse. The policy draft, in such a context, envisages that the
bullied should be given mental support while teachers and other staff would play a major role in dealing with bullying
incidents, including the recording of statements of the bully and witnesses. It further proposes the institution of bullying
prevention committees which will speak to the bully and the bullied separately or together. While there should, of course,
be a policy framework in place to prevent bullying at school, only policy and legal instruments would not be able to
eliminate the menace. Teachers should instil empathy, the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes, and kindness in
students from the earliest ages and foster a sense of community in classrooms so that students feel connected to their peers
to make students better able to prevent bullying and to cope with being bullied.
While all this is welcome, certain failures of the past give rise to scepticism. The government acting on a 2010 court ruling
banned corporal punishment in schools which then led to its criminalisation in 2011, but corporal punishment, despite a
declining incidence, is reported to have been widely in practice. A Shishu Adhikar Forum report in January listed 1,079
incidents in January 2012–November 2018. The High Court Division in May 2009 ordered the formation of sexual
harassment prevention committees in all institutions, public and private, including educational institutions, but reports
show that the order has yet to be noticeably complied with. It is expected that no such indolence should hold back the issue
at hand as it did in cases of corporal punishment and sexual harassment prevention.
Helping Kids

If your child tells you about being bullied, listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to
tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that it's happening, or worry that their
parents will be disappointed, upset, angry, or reactive.

Sometimes kids feel like it's their own fault, that if they looked or acted differently it wouldn't be happening.
Sometimes they're scared that if the bully finds out that they told, it will get worse. Others are worried that their
parents won't believe them or do anything about it. Or kids worry that their parents will urge them to fight back
when they're scared to.

Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you about it. Remind your child that he or she isn't alone
— a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that it's the bully who is behaving badly — not your
child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.

Let someone at school (the principal, school nurse, or a counselor or teacher) know about the situation. They
are often in a position to monitor and take steps to prevent further problems.

Because the term "bullying" might be used to describe such a wide range of situations, there's no one-size-fits
all approach. What is advisable in one situation may not be appropriate in another. Many factors — such as the
age of the kids involved, the severity of the situation, and the specific type of bullying behaviors — will help
determine the best course of action.

Take it seriously if you hear that the bullying will get worse if the bully finds out that your child told or if threats
of physical harm are involved. Sometimes it's useful to approach the bully's parents. But in most cases,
teachers or counselors are the best ones to contact first. If you've tried those methods and still want to speak to
the bullying child's parents, it's best to do so in a context where a school official, such as a counselor, can
mediate.

Most schools have bullying policies and anti-bullying programs. In addition, many states have bullying laws and
policies. Find out about the laws in your community. In certain cases, if you have serious concerns about your
child's safety, you may need to contact legal authorities.

Advice for Kids

Parents can help kids learn how to deal with bullying if it happens. For some parents, it may be tempting to tell
a kid to fight back. After all, you're angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to "stand up for
 yourself" when you were young. Or you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the
bully, and think that fighting back is the only way to put a bully in his or her place.

But it's important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate
into violence, trouble, and someone getting injured. Instead, it's best to walk away from the situation, hang out
with others, and tell an adult.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel
better:

 Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is
nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone
with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the
hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.
 Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on.
It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It
takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find
it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry
words, taking deep breaths, or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to
wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the
bully).
 Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop,
then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting
someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care.
Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
 Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all
help stop bullying.
 Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling,
or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it
may help you feel a little less alone.

Restoring Confidence

Dealing with bullying can erode a child's confidence. To help restore it, encourage your kids to spend time with
friends who have a positive influence. Participation in clubs, sports, or other enjoyable activities builds strength
and friendships.
Provide a listening ear about difficult situations, but encourage your kids to also tell you about the good parts of
their day, and listen equally attentively. Make sure they know you believe in them and that you'll do what you
can to address any bullying that occurs.