Setup – Punchline

Pictures showing a group of men forcing an opossum to drink beer, kissing it and
dumping it in a trash can have caused fury after spreading online. 

The images, taken in Pennsylvania, show the marsupial being abused as the men
look on and laugh.

It was found in a trash can by the group before being captured and abused. 

Now it has emerged one man in the group is a student at Bloomsburg University
in Pennsylvania. 

The college said it had received a number of calls from people distressed by the
images and was taking the matter 'very seriously' by launching an investigation,
WNEP reported.

Pennsylvania Game Commission is also investigating, with those involved facing

charges that come with fines of up to $1,700 and three months in prison.

Officer William Williams, a Game Commission spokesman, told Penn Live the men
in the pictures will be brought to account.

He said: 'People have found these images disturbing and so have we.'

Williams added that three suspects will be held accountable under the
Pennsylvania Game and Wildlife Code, with charges of disturbing wildlife and
unlawful taking of wildlife expected.

He would not, however, reveal their names.

The opossum is believed to have survived the abuse by either escaping or being
let loose.                        
Setup
Three Pennsylvania men were arrested and charged with disturbing wildlife
because they posted photos on Facebook of them kissing a possum and giving it
beer.

Angle?

Associations
Dating/Social media: bars, std’s, beer culture, consent, Tinder, Facebook, Grindr,
like button, Bumble…

Opossums: they have a pouch, they eat garbage, parasites, play dead, smell, are
nocturnal…

Punchline
Imagine those guys calling their girlfriends. No baby - I don’t know how you got
rabies. Oh, you’re on Facebook right now? Uhhhhhhhhhh…

That story inspired a new flavor from Anheiser Busch. It’s called Bud Garbage.

And I thought those “feet on a beach” photos were awful.

That kind of harassment is terrible. [Screeching sound] means no, gentlemen.

[Screeching sound] means no.

Is there is a Facebook button for Ewww?

So I guess instead of duckface – the trend will now be possum face.

The men agreed it’s time to get those beer goggles adjusted to human.
#1
ERO BEACH, Fla. (WPEC) -- A Florida woman wasn't loving it when she was
arrested on New Years Day because she couldn't get her desired dipping sauces,
according to the Indian River County Sheriff’s office.

Maguire Marie McLaughlin,19, of Vero Beach, was arrested after threatening to

rob a McDonalds at the corner of 20th street and 58th avenue in Vero Beach.

According to the police report, after getting her food, McLaughlin requested extra
dipping sauce with her order. The employee told McLaughlin that extra dipping
sauces were 25 cents, at which point an argument ensued.

McLaughlin further stated that she will be getting the sauce by whatever means
necessary. However, she didn't specify what she meant by that, according to the
report.

McLaughlin allegedly was yelling profanities at several employees stating that she
would "rob" the establishment if she didn't get her dipping sauce.

McLaughlin was taken into custody for disorderly conduct. She needed to be
placed into mechanical restraints by the arresting officers because she kept
“locking her legs, refusing to walk forward," according to the report.

She was transported to the Indian River County Jail for processing.

Ice cream machine

Happy meal
She could’ve just dipped
She is now sharing a cell with the hamburgler
New years resolutions
19-year-olds – will overthrow the government, threaten to rob a mcdonalds, but
not make their own doctor’s appointments

#2
ESCAMBIA COUNTY, Fla. (WVLT/WEAR) - A Florida man is accused of threatening
grocery store employees with an ax after he was asked to wear mask.

WEAR reported that Michael Bevans, 42, of Pensacola, is charged with two counts
of aggravated assault after the incident at Grocery Advantage Monday around
4:30 p.m.

According to a report from the Escambia County Sheriff’s Office, an employee of

the store asked Bevans and a woman he was with to wear a mask inside the store,
but they refused.

After they refused, the employee told police she asked them to leave the store
and Bevans became “belligerent” and started yelling racial slurs.

The report says Bevans continued to argue with employees and then reached for
an ax, making employees believe he was going to hit them with it.

Bevans was arrested and booked in the Escambia County Jail on $5,000 bond.

Posing the question of why bringing an axe to a store was more convenient than
a piece of cloth with some strings on the end.

Axe body spray – surprisingly pleased to learn that he threated with an actual
axe and not the tear gas used by 13 year old boys

Stumped

Axe-i-dental

Axeault

He should’ve cut it out

Grocery advantage –

To make things worse, he

#3
ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. – A man is facing trespassing charges after security found
him camping on Walt Disney World’s Discovery Island, according to the Orange
County Sheriff’s Office.

Deputies said they were called to 4301 N. World Drive Thursday after Richard
McGuire, 42, was spotted on the Disney-owned property, which is currently
closed to the public.

Orange County deputies searched for McGuire on foot, by helicopter, and by boat
before finally making contact with him, according to an arrest report.

When deputies told McGuire they had been using a loud speaker to address him,
he said he didn’t hear them because he was sleeping inside one of the buildings
on the island, which he referred to as a “tropical paradise,” according to the
report.

According to an arrest report, McGuire told deputies he was not aware that the
property was off limits and that he had been camping there since Monday or
Tuesday and planned to stay for about a week.

Discovery Island, which was a zoological attraction before Disney’s Animal

Kingdom park opened, has been closed since 1999. All of Disney’s Orlando-area
theme parks are also currently closed due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic.

McGuire was arrested and charged with trespassing on posted property and was
also ordered not to return to any additional Walt Disney World properties,
according to the report.

Happiest place on earth

Since 1999 – didn’t know about coronavirus or cellphones

#4
LARGO, Fla. - A Largo woman has been accused of texting 911 to ask for divorce
advice, police said.

Largo police arrested 68-year-old Sylvia Shumaker on Friday. She faces a charge of
misusing the 911 system.

Investigators said she texted 911 dispatchers six times from her personal cell
phone. Police said they had already responded to her home to address her
complaint about her husband, which was a non-criminal incident.

They said she continued to text 911 multiple times and gave permission for an
officer to see the text thread on her phone. Police said she asked for a counselor
and advice on how to file for divorce.

According to Shumaker’s arrest affidavit, “911 told her multiple times it was not a
911 matter.”

Police said during their second visit to the home, she made no criminal complaint
to the officers.

Police said Shumaker told them 911 texted her “out of the blue” and she
appeared to be “highly intoxicated.”

Texting to 911 is a service that became available in 2018 for Pinellas County
residents.

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#5
FLAGLER COUNTY, Fla. — Flagler County deputies arrested a woman they said
placed Easter eggs with explicit images in strangers’ mailboxes.
Deputies were alerted to the behavior of 42-year-old Abril Cestoni Wednesday
evening after they received multiple calls that she was allegedly placing the eggs
in mailboxes.

She later admitted to placing the images in the mailboxes and said she was
educating people, according to the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office.
Content Continues Below

“Our team did a great job in tracking this deranged offender down and taking her
into custody,” said Sheriff Rick Staly. “Thankfully she did not appear to be sick
with COVID-19 symptoms, but she certainly needs some help.”

Investigators said Cestoni told them she gave out more than 400 pamphlets
recently.

The eggs were found to have a cracker in the shape of a fish, one sheet of toilet
paper, a powdered drink mix, and a crumpled up piece of paper containing
pornographic images, according to officials.

Cestoni was arrested and charged with 11 counts of distributing obscene material.

Additional charges may be pending as the investigation continues.

#6
Last December someone spent $120K on a banana duct-taped to a wall at Miami’s
Art Basel, so it shouldn’t be much of a shocker that a Florida woman is now selling
a manatee-shaped chicken tender for $5K on Facebook Marketplace.

Posted yesterday by Riverview resident Melinda Britt Disbrow under “Antiques

and Collectibles,” the high-priced poultry piece, which is called “Tender,” is still in
“new” condition.

“It was a hectic work day back at the dental office after the holidays,” said
Disbrow in a message to Creative Loafing Tampa Bay. “I needed a little fuel to get
me through my day. There is a Culver’s just across the street from our practice. I
thought chicken tenders would hit the spot! I was thrilled to see my special
tender as the last one remaining.”

Disbrow also mentioned that “Tender” was purchased from the Culver’s on Big
Bend Road, which is coincidentally the same road that leads to the Manatee
Viewing Center in Apollo Beach.

As you can see in the listing, compared to actual manatees the chicken collectible
clearly does resemble the aquatic mammal to almost a near-perfect anatomic
level; plus it can be either displayed or eaten.

A true Florida Christmas miracle.

Other listings in the group include ----

#7
MIAMI, Florida -- A Miami woman counted herself lucky after doctors told her she
had suffered a graze wound in a shooting, only later, she discovered she had been
walking around with a bullet lodged in her head.
Shakena Jefferson, 42, and her wife, Janet Medley, were heading to the grocery
store when bullets started to fly outside their home.

Suffering a head wound, Jefferson was taken to the hospital.

She claims the doctor applied some band-aids and sent her home with antibiotics.

Three days later, her wife took her to a different hospital when she continued to
complain about pain.

Doctors there did an X-ray and discovered the bullet in Jefferson's skull.

It was worth a shot

Although her first doctor’s visit was unsuccessful, she gave it her best shot.

Hamilton duel

Abraham Lincoln is pissed

#8

SANFORD, Fla. - Millions of Americans are checking their bank accounts on

Tuesday as they anxiously await the arrival of their coronavirus stimulus check.

On Tuesday, Diana Lagulli sent in a photo of her latest ATM receipt to only FOX 35
News. She said that she was withdrawing part of her coronavirus stimulus
payment at a Wawa in Sanford when she spotted the remaining balance at $8.5
million.
"I laughed and told our son, look, your parents are millionaires," she told FOX 35
News. However, the $8.5 million was not actually in the account when she
checked with the bank.

Apparently, this was not the first time this has happened to her either. On
Monday, after withdrawing funds from an ATM, the account's balance was at $3.5
million. Again, the money was not actually there.

A similar incident happened to a man in Indiana. A report said that after

withdrawing money from his account, his remaining account balance was $8.2
million. However, by the time he called his bank to tell them the news, the money
was gone.

According to a senior Treasury official, the majority of eligible Americans will

receive their coronavirus aid payments no later than April 15. Individuals will get
$1,200 and married couples will get $2,400. Adults will also get $500 for each
child who qualifies. Those who filed federal income tax returns in 2018 and 2019,
as well as most seniors and retirees, will have their payments directly deposited
into their bank accounts. Those who do not have direct deposit set up will receive
a check.

Jeff Bezos also experienced an error with his bank accounts, as

Exploiting workers

#9

ERO BEACH, Fla. (WPEC) -- A Florida woman wasn't loving it when she was
arrested on New Years Day because she couldn't get her desired dipping sauces,
according to the Indian River County Sheriffs office.
Maguire Marie McLaughlin,19, of Vero Beach, was arrested after threatening to
rob a McDonalds at the corner of 20th street and 58th avenue in Vero Beach.

According to the police report, after getting her food, McLaughlin requested extra
dipping sauce with her order. The employee told McLaughlin that extra dipping
sauces were 25 cents, at which point an argument ensued.

McLaughlin further stated that she will be getting the sauce by whatever means
necessary. However, she didn't specify what she meant by that, according to the
report.

McLaughlin allegedly was yelling profanities at several employees stating that she
would "rob" the establishment if she didn't get her dipping sauce.

McLaughlin was taken into custody for disorderly conduct. She needed to be
placed into mechanical restraints by the arresting officers because she kept
“locking her legs, refusing to walk forward," according to the report.

She was transported to the Indian River County Jail for processing.
#10
Palm Beach, Fl. -- Crises can bring out the worst in people — or maybe they just
bring out the worst people. That's certainly been the case with the outbreak of
the novel coronavirus, which has been illuminating in the same way as flicking on
the light switch in a filthy kitchen — you get a glimpse of the roaches before they
scatter.

While much of Florida faces shortages of basic goods such as paper towels and
toilet paper, there's been no shortage of hucksters and hoarders stockpiling more
supplies than one person could ever need. One recent example is a Florida
woman who apparently bought every last package of toilet paper, paper towels,
and napkins from a Dollar Tree in Pompano Beach. The video, which went viral
this weekend, begins with the woman standing on the curb, loading dozens of
boxes of paper products into the back of a black truck with the help of a man
standing in the truck's bed. A woman filming the incident narrated as the loading
continued.

"Look at this wonderful woman who just told me to f— myself and mind my own
f-ing business, who just bought the entire store out of paper towels, toilet paper,
so that nobody else can have any. It's really lovely," the woman filming says.

While the hoarder continues loading boxes into the truck, the woman narrating
complains that such hoarding shouldn't be allowed. She then accuses the hoarder
of being a supporter of President Donald Trump, to which the hoarder replies:
"Donald Trump! Go Donald Trump!"

"I knew it! Honey, I knew it! I knew it. I had you pegged right away," the
camerawoman says.

The video was posted on Twitter, where it's already received nearly 50,000
retweets. Predictably, Twitter users did not take kindly to the hoarder's behavior.
Many users criticized the Dollar Tree location for allowing such a large purchase
during the crisis. A spokesperson for Dollar Tree tells New Times the company is
aware of the incident and says it violated the chain's policy.

Meanwhile Donald Trump is sitting on his golden toilet