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A B S U R D I T y

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 MASTER OF METAPHOR

Here are some additional thoughts I have about absurdity and absurd metaphors
because this concept is THAT important.

Absurdity is as important as remembering to wear your pants in the morning when

you leave the house, and on most days, it s even more important than that.
'

Why is absurdity a superpower among superpowers, kind of like how Superman is

among all the other superheroes?

In my opinion, absurdity is powerful because people remember ridiculous things

more readily than things that are more straightforward. When you entertain, shock,
or make something humorous, it becomes that much more memorable and
powerful.

So, I have had people ask me how to make a metaphor absurd. Unfortunately, it s '

much easier bottling spilled baby food. See what I did there?
( )

So, here are four reliable ways to make a metaphor absurd:

1. Impossibility

I have a friend from England who hates to watch American football who knew his (

definition of football isn t the same as mine? . Yesterday, I asked him whether he
" " ' )

wanted to come to my Super Bowl party and he declined in a funny way by ( )

saying he s going to be washing his hair .

' " "

His answer is extremely absurd because he s actually bald!

'

I also gave this metaphor example earlier of the basketball coach who didn t know '

to leave his best player in the game:

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His personnel decisions were so inane that even Stevie Wonder and Jose
"

Feliciano would have known to leave X in the game! "

Finally, here s one last example:

'

A reader of mine asked me recently how to tweak what he could say to a female
salesperson about her seductive voice: I bet your voice could charm squirrels out
"

of a tree . Not bad at all, but not amazing.

"

Here was my suggestion for making a metaphor about her charming voice
absurd: I love that voice of yours. It s so seductive, even a deaf, brain dead, gay
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man couldn t resist it.

' "

Now, what is the common thread between all of these examples?

The common thread is that the premise suggested by the metaphor is impossible!
The impossibility of the above metaphors is what makes them so absurd and
hilarious.

2. Difficulty

Now, another way to create absurd metaphors is creating a metaphor where the
premise is extremely difficult...to such an extent that it would be absolutely absurd
to even try. This is similar to impossibility, but with a twist.

Remember the metaphor I used above about bottling spilled baby food? Yes, you
can put spilled baby food back into a bottle, but it s difficult and therefore, ludicrous
'

to try.

No one would ever think to do that, so that s why the metaphor is absurd and
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hilarious!

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3. Mixed Metaphor

The final way to reliably create an absurd metaphor is to create what s called a
'

mixed metaphor .
" "

Mixed metaphors are the result of a somewhat inappropriate merging of two

common metaphors.

Here s an example:
'

For example, the metaphor, wake up and smell the coffee , suggests you to be
“ ”

more alert about something.

And, read the writing on the wall , means to see the bad news which is already
" ”

explicit.

If you mixed these two metaphors, you would have Wake up and smell the coffee
"

on the wall . This is funny because it plays with expectations, i.e. you don t expect
" '

to hear that at the end of that obvious metaphor.

Here are some other examples of mixed metaphors:

Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a hot knife slicing through
"

butter. "

"We are playing with fire in the belly."

A rolling stone gathers no bird in the hand.

" "

That's some bullshit in a china shop.

" "

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The easiest kind of mixed metaphor to put together is one where the end of one
metaphor is the same word as a metaphor that has that word at the beginning.

The key to creating mixed metaphors is for the mixed metaphor to take on the
meaning of the first metaphor instead of the second metaphor in the chain.

4. Polar Opposites

Creating a contrast by using words that are complete opposites can also create an
absurd metaphor.

Here is a conversation I recently had with my friend talking about my former boss,
who has a photographic memory:

Friend: His brain is like a vacuum.

" "

Me: I know, I'm so jealous. As soon as I hear something, I forget it. If his brain is like a
"

vacuum, then mine is like a leaf blower. "

Friend: "Hahaha! "

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